Time

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to give away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace…He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end…I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him. Whatever is has already been, and what will be has been before, and God will call the past into account...I thought in my heart, God will bring to judgment both the righteous and the wicked, for there will be a time for every activity, a time for every deed.” Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 11, 14-15, 17.

I’ve been pondering time a lot lately, especially since You put it on my heart today. I was thinking about how fast summer project went by, when at the beginning it went so slow. I was thinking about the time I have left here in Hollywood before the time I go home. I was then thinking about the time at home and then the time going to school. I thought about what I would do in the time of today. And altogether, I realized I spend way too much time thinking about time…I only said that word eight times (now nine) in the last paragraph...can I say it’s a bit of an obsession of mine at times?

Ah Lord, it’s hard to break free from it. Lord I find it interesting that my concept of time is changing so much, as I give it up to You. The above passage from Ecclesiastes was one You used a lot over this summer, O Lord. The first thing that jumps out to me is in the first verse, saying that there is a time and season for everything under heaven. I believe this to mean time is ordained by You, by the Heavens. In all of this time, we cannot fathom all You have done, because You have set eternity in our hearts.

I think I am finding the more Your Holy Spirit is moving within and around me the faster time goes. That time can’t be measured accurately by a clock or a calendar, because You don’t fit within that system. And also, as this time of “silence” and intense focus only on You begins to change, I keep thinking, “oh gosh, I have to make sure I am finished” when in actuality, I need to remain in tune to Your Holy Spirit and how it’s moving. It will be done when it’s supposed to be done. Besides, is it ever truly finished? No, because on this earth, we will always be in the process of sanctification, of becoming like you! There will always be more to learn and do. I can’t keep putting myself on the timetable of this world. I am not of the world, so I shouldn’t define my time the way the world does.

Time is not measured by the ticking of a clock, the passing of a day, or by the weeks or years of a calendar. I believe time is measured through You, through Your Holy Spirit. There are times that Your Holy Spirit moves quickly and rapidly, such as it did this summer, and there are times it moves slower. Lord, You are sovereign, and that includes time! I must always look to You for everything.

Another aspect of time that I’ve been dealing with is my selfishness with my “own” time. When I have things I need to do or want to do, it’s very hard for me to deal with and accept any form of interruption. I’m focused, and at times too focused. I subconsciously resent people taking my time when I am busy. However, when it’s on my schedule, I have really no problem offering my time to them, and enjoy doing so. But how possessive I am of my own time, when in actuality, time is not mine! Nothing is, Dear Lord, everything is of You! I need to be willing to live a life of interruptions. I can’t be so rigid in my own schedule and things to do that I miss out on when Your Holy Spirit is moving because I make myself blind to it!

I found this yesterday with Jessica coming over. We agreed on around 1. I was thinking that this would be perfect because then we could hang out for a few hours and she could head home before traffic got too bad, and then I’d have the rest of the night to myself. Yet she ended up getting here around 3 o’clock. Around 2:30 or so I was about ready to forget the whole thing because it was too late. I became frustrated and agitated, when that was so dumb! Lord, You have placed her in my life so I can minister to her and lead her back to You. Yesterday was a blessing in the fact we were able to meet one on one away from school and enjoy the summertime. Yet, I viewed it as an inconvenience. How retarded is that?? That I would take one of Your blessings and put that spin on it? There’s a major change that needs to go on and is happening there. I found myself asking the question “is it really a big deal that she is late and will probably stay later?” The answer was no. Once I let go of my claim to time and allowed You to move through it, it was so much better. We spent 5 hours together yesterday, which was amazing and so wonderful. For the first time I really felt that I enjoyed her, because I viewed her through Your eyes and not my own and allowed You to dictate the time. Now that’s the way to receive a blessing.

As I head into the school year soon and things become busy, I can’t forget the importance of being available and living a life of interruptions. Lord, You are sovereign, and that is over all things, even small things such as me and the things I think I have to get done. When I come before You in Heaven, what will matter more-the fact that I was efficient and accomplished a lot, or the fact that I lived a life fully surrendered to You, allowing Your Holy Spirit to move me at whatever whim? I know it’s the latter. I also know that this is the life of fulfillment, because it comes from You. What a blessing it is to participate in Your Kingdom coming down. How trifle are the things I think I’m productive and efficient in.

Lord, I pray You will continue to teach me that time is ordained by You, and not by the world. I pray You will continue to break me of any claim I believe I have to it, when in fact, I have none! Break my rigid schedule and let me move on a whim…Lord, that’s going to be hard for me, but let me let You move me whenever and wherever You wish!

Shining Light

“Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord rises upon you. See, darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples, but the Lord rises upon you and his glory appears over you. Nations will come to your light and kings to the brightness of your dawn. Lift up your eyes and look about you: all assemble and come to you, your sons from afar, and your daughters are carried on the arm. Then you will look and be radiant, your heart will throb and swell with joy; the wealth on the seas will be brought to you, to you the riches of the nations will come.” Isaiah 60:1-5

Dear Lord, this passage has been speaking to me for quite some time and I’ve been coming back to it for various reasons and at different times, and I came back to it once again today. I went down to the market again this afternoon and the same guy who was captivated with me last time was working again. I really didn’t want to go, because I didn’t want to deal with the whole deal of him flirting and taking my friendly nature to be flirting. I find myself in this position a lot, and did this summer with one of my guy friends in particular. It’s as if I’m hesitant to be myself, the woman You have created me to be, because I don’t want to hurt someone or make them think the wrong thing.

And there’s times this summer, quite a lot, in which I would be shopping or at some kind of public place and I would genuinely smile at someone. They were baffled when I did such! The fact that I could be making such a gesture of friendship and love to a complete stranger was a foreign language to them in so many ways. It’s as if it was running through their heads, “what is this person doing? Does she really mean it? Why is she smiling at me?...” and so on.

It’s said that love is the universal language. Well Lord, if You are love, then You must be the universal language…and I think that’s pretty sweet. It all comes back to every person in the world being united in the same fact that we all need You, no matter what nation or tongue.

Yet I think at times, as Christians, we are intimidated by the language barrier. I remember going down to Chinatown for one of our outreaches. I went sharing with Derek, who is from China, and so he was able to speak a bit of Chinese with some people who spoke broken English. But Lord, the amazing thing that day was that the gospel was not communicated solely through words, but through love. It was communicated to them that we were willing to sit down with them and share our time with them, and tell them of something meaningful to us and to share it with them as well. There was light in those people’s eyes as a result of us being there and talking with them.

Obviously, I have my own communication barrier at times, especially with people with accents or English as their second language. This intimidated me at times while sharing this summer for I wondered how I would keep a conversation going if I couldn’t understand. But oh Lord, how much greater You are than that and how You overcome! That is nothing for me to worry about!

And there is nothing for me to worry about in communicating the gospel. I first and foremost show love. Love transcends all languages and all barriers; moreover, You transcend all languages and all barriers. In showing them the gospel, I show them You first.

As in the passage from Isaiah above states, I am to arise and shine, for my light has come. I believe it has, O Lord. As you mold me more and more like You, I find within myself this light and love that keeps bursting at the seams and I can’t hold it inside! I see others drawn to that in such a way that it is not me. It is You revealing Yourself to them through me. I am but a mere vessel, O Lord. And I must not be so prideful to think it is me and try to hold back because I don’t want to hurt people or whatever. It is You they see, let me shine that ablaze! Must I grieve You in not being who You have created me to be, a daughter of the light? No, not now, and not ever! There is thick darkness in the earth and over the peoples, and I must not hide Your light, because it is through that light people will come to You. It is that light that is You manifested in me and continue to shine brighter as time passes.

Lord, my heart swells with joy at this simple truth now realized in my life! Your spirit is working in infinite ways and I need to fully surrender to it. How selfish would I be to hold back any longer…let the smile that remains on my face as a result of Your goodness and the joy in my heart that overflows shine brightly before all men! It is You they are drawn to, because You are the only good thing in me. I have no claim to myself and the ways You choose to use me, and therefore, I fully, completely surrender!

Ohhhh God is so amazingly, so wonderfully, incredibly
GOOD!!
I'm in love with my Savior!

Glimpses of Gifts

For a long time I wondered what it would be like to see people through Your eyes, and pondered such over this last year. Dear Lord, You know how when I see some kind of mystery within someone that I desire to know what it is. I desire to know a person fully and completely, and get past all of the surface antics that seem to be so commonplace nowadays.

This time last year I was beginning to get a glimpse of something You have bestowed in me, which is an uncanny ability to read people very well. My friends in high school hated it at times when they would try to hide something from me but were unable to. Yet I was persistent in getting them to talk and be open and honest, and later found out that it made a difference in their lives. Some of my friends were going through some really tough things in high school, and at the end of high school they told me that it meant the world to them that I always knew what was going on and asked them about it, even when they didn’t want to talk. Others said they didn’t know what they would’ve done without me doing such. It was then I began to realize that You have gifted me in some way with people, O Lord.

Throughout this past school year, I experienced it again in a lot of different ways with different people. It was different because I knew them only in the context of college and the dorm, whereas my high school friends I knew a lot more about. Lord, You did a lot in me learning how to trust the Holy Spirit and the wisdom You bring through that, and then to act on it. It was different because with people I didn’t know as well, I doubted myself reading the Holy Spirit correctly. Yet over time, O Lord, You increased my confidence in heeding the Holy Spirit and acting upon it. It’s hard for me to say exactly which times because one, I don’t remember all of them, and two, it’s easy for me to think that it was me and not You. I need to have confidence in the way You move, and also have confidence in what You are doing.

I think there’s two encounters with Colin that outline Your gift the best. They happened closely to the same time. Colin and I went skydiving, and we had a talk the night before about our upcoming fears heading into the summer. The next day, the day we were to go skydiving, Colin was majorly attacked by Satan. Lord You allowed me to see this, and even before I went to pray for him after he asked me to. I saw the fear manifesting itself through skydiving, and how Satan was trying to take away even the skydiving in an attack to diminish all his confidence in facing any fear inside of him. You have given Colin such a warrior’s heart and there is great attack in that. His adventurous side was being greatly attacked by Satan and was about to prevent him from jumping because he felt sick. The whole time he talked to me I barely heard any words he said because I could see the war inside of him, stemming from what we talked about the day before. After praying about it and heeding Your spirit more, I went back and told him before we left that You were telling me to tell him to jump, that it was going to be a concrete example of facing all of his fears, to jump fully into them and allow You to conquer them. He told me he wasn’t afraid of jumping, and I knew that wasn’t it. However, Satan is a master deceiver and did so that day with Colin. After that whole day Colin told me that You used that conversation with him in a significant way. As a result of that Lord, I began to clearly see what it is that You are gifting me with.

Another time with Colin was just when we were in the study lounge and he was reading something on his computer, and I was across the room and knew exactly what it was and what he was doing before even approaching him. He couldn’t believe it, and frankly, I was surprised too. It was so instantaneous, a glimpse given by You. Things like that have happened with a lot of other people as well.

In addition, there’s been one or two times with John this summer in which You spoke clearly to me about his situation he was in at the time. Granted, You have woven us so closely and tightly together that it happens both ways and will continue to, but I was really struck by it one time in particular, at the beginning of project. John was venting his frustrations with being home and as he talked, You spoke to me, and You told me exactly what to tell him about walking blindly into the spirit and embracing the silence. It was amazing to see what You did with that, and also, more amazing, that it came at the beginning of project before all of the growth that has occurred.

Shelley as well, O Lord. Oh Lord, how You’ve blessed me with Shelley and how she is a mystery that will never completely been solved. But Lord, it was so beautiful to see what You did in our friendship over this past year because she was so guarded and so difficult to get to know. You spoke to me so many times about her and what it was that needed to be spoken and there’s so much more light in her now. We’re experiencing a friendship that wouldn’t have been experienced otherwise, without the wisdom of Your Holy Spirit that You gave to me about her.

And there’s so many more, O Lord, from this year. From this summer however, I found it remarkable of being able to speak utter truth to people that I barely knew or talked to over project. There were times I said exactly what they needed to hear without me trying to do that at all. That was Your Holy Spirit, O Lord, I know that full well. There were so many conversations with Kristin that You spoke through, and especially one time in encouraging her through what You gifted me to see. It’s hard to put all of it into words, because I don’t want to violate people’s trust, but You know all I am talking about.

I’m also receiving visions in some different forms. Lord, You know that dream You gave me the other night as project was ending and I was praying for my mom and dad before bed. Lord, I dreamed that my dad had fully awaken to You and realized that all that he has believed for so long was just a bunch of rubbish and that he had been so blind for so long. He told me “the veil is lifted, I don’t know why I didn’t see it all along!” He was passionate, fully on fire for You, and he and my mom were passionately seeking You out and worshipping You together. It was so incredibly beautiful, and so amazingly real. It took me about half of the day to realize it happened in my sleep and not during my waking hours. Such clarity is only done by You, and I think it was the second vision, the conclusion to the first one about my parents You gave me a while ago. How incredible that is, O Lord! It was one of the most beautiful things You have given me. And Lord, what’s amazing is I have full confidence You will fulfill that, because it was such a promise given by You! You are going to move when I am home, and will continue to!

You also know of Your promise You have foretold with my ears, O Lord, and the healing of such. That is something to happen in the future, but something You spoke to me before it is to happen, to tell me Your divine will in that. There’s so much more to say…

Lord, what is it that causes me to see so much within people and for people? It’s Your Holy Spirit, I know that full well. I’ve been hesitant to put a name to it for such a long time, but Lord, is this prophecy in the form with people? I’m looking at Webster’s dictionary and the definition for prophecy is: “The inspired utterance of a prophet, viewed as a declaration of divine will, such a revelation transmitted orally or in writing.” And prophesy is: “to reveal by divine inspiration, to reveal the will or message of God.”
That sounds like what it is, O Lord, and I believe it is what You are revealing and doing in me. And Lord, You know there’s so many cases of prophecy in the Bible, I mean, the Bible basically is prophecy and the fulfillment of it! I know it’s biblical! That’s a gift, O Lord, and one I must not take lightly. It’s been incredible to see what You have done as a result of that.

There’s a huge part with this I can’t neglect, and that is the necessity of prayer and staying in Your word. Satan is out to deceive and twist around truth, and I need to make sure I am always rooted in it. There is great power from You in this, and I need to make sure I handle it well. Another thing is that I need to use prayer in an effort to see more. I think there’s a lot I’m not tapping into yet that You are willing to show me and do.

I pray You will lead me by Your Holy Spirit in all of this. Dear Lord, with this I pray I will always let Your Holy Spirit lead me as to what and when to speak. I pray I will bring back all of these things to the Word. Let it always be for the purpose of Your will and glory. Continue to reveal to me what this gift is and what it needs to entail, O Lord. I’m not worthy of such a gift, but if this is one of the gifts You have given me to glorify You and build up the body, then let me do such! It’s fully You, my Dear Lord!

Lessons of the Palm

I remember my first day and night at the Palm Motel this summer. Before I got there, I didn’t think it would be too bad; after all, I had lived in a dorm for a year, right? Well, Lord, I was wrong. When we first drove in we were greeted by a large band of pigeons that I had never been acquainted with in such a small area before. There were cats everywhere and I saw that paint was largely covering a multitude of sins within the structure and condition of that building and its rooms. I got out of the car and was greeted by Mike Berk, who then told me about the pigeon coop, which was this owner’s retreat in the middle that had been taken over by the birds. At this point, O Lord, I was wondering what I had gotten myself into.

I remember our first drive to the church quite well. We passed a lot of areas that I hadn’t experienced in depth before. First there was the cemetery right across the street that was about 3 blocks long and wide. Next there was the highway, then a lot of warehouses, car dealerships, and gas stations, and then, finally, we started to enter what my definition of a “nice” neighborhood was. The church left me with a sigh of relief, for it was somewhat what I expected.

I remember unpacking that night and not wanting to walk around barefoot too much on the carpet because it was…questionable. Same goes for outside. I remember placing the plastic bags in which I packed things underneath my suitcases just for that extra “security” if you will. Spending the night with Amber in a very small bed the first night wasn’t easy.

Lord, it took me a while to adjust and be able to call the Palm “home.” As Mike said the first day we were there, the Palm was a place for people who are just above being homeless. It was humbling being there, but so good, O Lord. Through this summer, I learned that I really don’t need much in the area of basic comforts. We are so spoiled and privileged as an American society, especially the middle and upper class, that we forget what poverty is really like.

And for so long I never fully grasped the meaning or application of understanding that You are more than sufficient for my every need and desire. I have long since clung onto what I thought were my basic human “rights” and needs, but all of those are rubbish. What is it that truly makes me live, O Lord, that makes me wake and breathe and serve and praise? Only You, my Dear Lord, for I find without You I cease to live, that I am dead, living a life with no purpose or meaning. I don’t need people, I don’t need 300 thread count sheets, I don’t need a roof over my head, all, and I mean all I need is You. Why should I ever think I can claim rights to myself or the things I think I need, when above all, I have You, and I don’t even deserve that? If You are the provider of all things, I must worship You and leave my life and needs and wants in Your hands, and trust that You will provide me with what You wish.

How sweet is it to be broken of the reliance upon these worldly things on which we so often find ourselves possessing! How sweet is it to come to Your very feet and find it is You who satisfies and fulfills more than anything on this earth! How sweet it is to know and experience with You a life broken of these things that I so often relied on and to find a love more tempting and sweet and fulfilling, beyond anything I could’ve ever dreamed! O Lord, You fulfill my every desire and every need! You are sufficient and You are more, so much more, than enough.

Dear Lord, a lot comes with this that You have been developing for a while and something I find myself in now as well. You know what a transition it was for me to go from being in the dorms to the Palm in less than 24 hours, and now going from the Palm to Hollywood to home to SLO in about 6 weeks. Lord, I will never be able to put down “roots” that I am used to in one place ever again, I don’t believe. College will be a temporary place, but You have that call on me for missions which will come after that. But Lord, I am finding that my roots are not meant to be put in earthly dwellings, not even temporary ones. Not for a long time, and not for a short time either. I’ve been grasping this for a while, but I think for so long I have felt like a tree pulled up from the ground with roots bare, wondering where it is I am supposed to put my roots. See, like a tree, the roots are the source of its survival, where it is placed in the solid ground, able to take its water and nutrients in order to flourish. Lord, I’ve been wondering where it is that I am supposed to put these roots because I feel so bare without a solid ground.

I find myself so stunned at the fact that You are our solid ground, of which we place our roots into, and we find a flourishing life beyond anything we could imagine. You are the one who bears my roots, Dear Lord, You are my source of life and everything I could desire or need. No longer must I scurry about attempting to settle down or find a rooting place, because I am rooted. I am rooted in Your grace, Your redemption, Your truth, and Your love. That is all I need and that is something I will carry with me for the rest of my life, for all eternity!

Now what is it that I am to do in the coming future O Lord? I find myself longing to be home so much right now because it has been so long and there’s so much there for me. Lord, I have been experiencing a contentment in my surroundings and situation like I have never experienced before, not in this way. My spirit has been quieted and stilled. It’s incredible. Yet though I am content knowing I will be here for a week and a half, and am so excited for what You will do in that time, I can’t wait to be home.

But even my concept of home is changing and is so different. What is it that I should call home, O Lord? Should I call it the place where I was born and raised, Colorado Springs? That’s what I have been. Yet I think this is ignoring the eternal perspective and living in the temporal. When my life is over and passed or when You return, Colorado Springs will cease to be my home. Shouldn’t it cease to be my home now? Shouldn’t I fully embrace being a citizen of Heaven and know that that is my home above all else? If You are everything to me, shouldn’t I embrace Your dwelling place as where I should be? I believe I should.

If I am living for eternity…I should embrace this truth from 2 Peter 3:
Since everything will be destroyed in this way, what kind of people ought you to be? You ought to live holy and godly lives as you look forward to the day of God and speed its coming. That day will bring about the destruction of the heavens by fire, and the elements will melt in the heat. But in keeping with his promise we are looking forward to a new heaven and a new earth, the home of righteousness.

I should also embrace this truth spoken by Paul in Philippians 3: For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.

I think for so long I have allowed this world to define everything for me, even what my relationship with You should be like. How often do we go to other people and books and other things in an effort to be Holy, to be with You? Why don’t we go directly to You? If it is truly You we are seeking out and desire to get closer to, we should no longer attempt to get You by any other means, but instead come into Your presence and ask! You are the giver of all things, You are above all and in all! What would my walk with You be like if I sought You and Your word out only and above all else? It would be richer and more fulfilling than anything I could ever imagine! What would my life be like if I was fully surrendered to You and living for an audience of One; You alone? It would be one doing serious damage for the Kingdom of Heaven!

Lord, continue to change my heart in this! Let me take all that I have learned this summer and put it into practice with this theme of no longer having any rights to myself, and knowing You are the solid ground upon which I place my roots! Lord, I desire to be branded by You alone and when the world looks at me, I desire for everything I am to scream out to them, “I am the Lord’s, and there is no other!”

Serving Women

Part two of Santa Monica Summer Project Reflection
Dear Lord, I have for some time had the heart to raise up women of You, passionate and confident, bold and beautiful, and not afraid to proclaim the gospel. That has been my “ministry” in a lot of forms over these past couple of years, and going into this summer I wanted to see what You would do with it. I declined being a bible study leader this year because I didn’t want to do what I have always done; rather I wished You to lead me in what it was You desired me to do.

In high school I was so close with a ton of girls. I had many many more close girl friends than guy friends. These girls were awesome, because they were so open and vulnerable, and even those that weren’t, became so. I loved how almost every conversation was of the heart and meaningful, for You know that is the conversation I love. I suck at small talk, You know that full well. It was such a blessing to encourage so many in high school and have them encourage me. There was a surplus of edifying friendships You blessed me with.

Yet, coming out to California, I found the girls much different, with exceptions of course…in a way I was unable to figure out for a while. I now know that girls here are much more guarded and it’s hard for them to be real. Perhaps it’s the California culture; I am rather confident it is in a lot of cases after spending a summer in Santa Monica. Goodness how people are turned off by any attempt at being real or honest, it’s incredible! But anyways, I found it very difficult to form the meaningful friendships with girls that I was used to at home, and after a while, I stopped trying really hard. You definitely brought some key girls into my life that have been amazing, such as Elise, Amy, Shelley, Jess, Kirsten, Mina, Jess, and more. I praise You for those friendships.

Looking back at the school year and especially with being in the dorms, I think I missed a lot of opportunities to really get to know the girls. I’m not sure what those opportunities were though. Lord, I think that I neglected to seek You out with those girls and allow You to reveal the best way to get to know them. I tried to do it on my own efforts and was stumped so often, but You are the giver of knowledge. Why didn’t I go to You and ask You to reveal how to reach them and befriend them? That is what I missed last year. I should’ve been relying on Your Holy Spirit in that so much more. At the same time I do realize that I am not supposed to reach every girl; that is why we are the body of Christ. Yet I need to seek You out in who it is I am supposed to minister to and allow You to move me in that. This is yet another example of how key prayer is in everything, O Lord! I must not neglect that!

Last year You blessed me so much with deep friendships with guys that I had never really had before. Of course there was the leadership team for FCA in high school, but our friendship was mainly based on FCA. Yet living with my brothers in Christ allowed for a deeper, stronger bond. The conversations and good times I had over the year and this summer were incredible. Whether it be Colin, John, Kyle, JR, Chase, Paul, Ben, and more, You did so much through so many of these conversations and fellowship. I thoroughly enjoy talking to my brothers because of the way they think. I finally understand why though Lord. You have made me much more rational and logical than most girls tend to be. I view things objectively and I rarely allow my emotions to sway what I think, because I know feelings can be deceiving. I love to think through things and I love to think deeply and philosophically, which one doesn’t often find with girls, at least not in the same way. Girls tend to operate off the heart first and then logic second. I know I can do this so often and so that is why I am very quick to make sure I am being rational. I’ve seen so many girls get hurt because they jump into things because of their feelings instead of thinking it through first and praying about it. I hate seeing this, and I have learned from them. In addition, guys are usually so much easier to read and are much more real upfront. I hate games, Lord. Why should we deceive each other? Why can’t people be upfront with each other? This is part of the reason why I love hanging out with guys and talking with them, and there are many others. The guys are amazing, and true blessings.

But You convicted me through a letter Paul wrote me at the end of project to encourage me. Paul talked of the wisdom beyond my years You have given me, and encouraged me to pursue women more. He spoke of 2 Corinthians one in which it states those You comfort can comfort others, and he said that I have been comforted, which is so true. Lord, how this spoke to my heart! I realized that I am hesitant to dive into girls lives at times because it is harder…harder to develop and maintain that relationship. I realized the things about my brothers that I stated earlier. Yet I am realizing a lot. You didn’t create me as a woman by chance, and You didn’t just happen to give me the gifts I have. They were intentional, created for Your purposes and glory! Must I continue to neglect them? The answer is no. The things that are the hardest often bring the most reward. You gave me glimpses of that this summer and reminded me of how important it is to dive into my sisters lives, because I have been comforted. How wonderful are the works You have done in my life, O Lord, and how I can spur them on to the same thing! How my love for You can overflow to them and only bring them closer to You! I saw this with my bible study this summer and it was amazing, O Lord. It comes back to being willing to be vulnerable and to take that step. If I’ve learned one thing with women lately, it’s that I usually have to be the initiator of those friendships, and be the one asking them to talk or do things. Elise is a wonderful exception, O Lord, it’s been such a blessing to have her seek me out, thank You!

O Lord, all of this comes back to my desire to raise up passionate women of You…I see where I have neglected things and where I need to focus for the future. I am so excited to be able to pour into their lives and enrich them. Lord, if I can bless them and lead them closer to You, that would be incredible and fully to Your glory! You have created me in this way, let me fully pursue it!

In another note tied with this somewhat, You have taught me this summer how much I love to lead. I love to lead because I am operating out of the gifts You have given me. But Lord, I found another interesting twist with that this summer. I found that I love helping others to lead. I thank You so much for allowing me to help my sisters with women’s time and the banquets because I found I love being behind the scenes and using the wisdom You have given me in order to lift them up and allow them to lead. It’s so amazing to see them embrace their own gifts and use those for Your glory! I love it so much!

With all of this, I am finding within me a heart for discipleship…which is walking alongside women and leading them into a deeper, richer, fuller relationship with You, and then preparing them to be sent out, to lead and embrace the gifts You have so willingly bestowed upon them! Lord, that they would have no fear and find their identity completely in You is a cry of my heart. Lord, that they would find their full worth in You and know that they are a treasure in Your eyes! Lord that they would no longer listen to the lies of this world that bring them down, but hold fast to Your truth and Your Word, and know that it is a double-edged sword! Lord, that they would no longer attempt to find satisfaction in relationships but realize You are the only One who truly satisfies! Lord, that they would be content in what You are doing and not attempt to rush things and know that Your timing is perfect! Lord, that they would no longer worry or analyze but always come back to the fact that You are good and You are sovereign! I pray they will realize these truths, and Lord, if You are willing, use me as a messenger of these truths. Let me show them the God I know, and how You are better than life itself! I am willing, Dear Lord. Send me.

Vulnerability

It’s rather interesting that the first thing God brings me to write about in reflecting over this summer is about vulnerability. After reading this it will probably make more sense to you as to why this is. I feel led to post my journal entries about all of these reflections…perhaps in an effort to be vulnerable with you all and allow God to move through it, as such has been a theme of this summer. So here’s the first of several blogs…I pray God will use these in some way.

Over this summer You have taught me so much about vulnerability, Dear Lord. I think of this stick my cousin and I were peeling the bark off of to reveal its colors underneath, and am reminded of the process that You have brought me through this summer. Like the branch, the exterior was cracking in its beginnings to show its true beauty, with all the weathered and worn parts broken off and cast aside. I think that at the beginning of this summer I was this branch that was beginning to crack, and now so many of the pieces are discarded, leaving me bare and showing the true beauty You have created in me.

Lord, I always thought I was rather vulnerable and honest. However, as You taught me, I found myself to be honest and vulnerable only in the things I was comfortable in doing so. I wasn’t practicing the true meaning of honesty. You prepared me with a lot of different things going into project, in which I was beginning to find the true meaning of it. I think that often times I was dishonest with myself and You in trying to not acknowledge things or to push them aside. Lord, how I must confront these things and bring them to Your feet!

It comes back to me, for a long time, feeling that I have to be the strong one. It is something I still struggle with at times, but I am finding that Your strength is far greater than mine and the true thing on which I rely. After all that happened my junior year of high school, with my brother and my family with him and his girlfriend being pregnant and me having to hold the family together because I was the sole one who had the hope of You, I have long since struggled with feeling the need to be strong. I was the glue in the family at that time, and have since then, been viewed as much more of an equal with my parents, rather than their daughter. There were so many times that they were about to lose it all because they had been stretched to their breaking point, and some times, past it. Because I had the hope of You, I felt the responsibility to “keep the family together.” During that time, I kept so much hidden inside because I didn’t feel I could be weak, and I have since then, had the susceptibility to continue to do so. I find it easy to talk about the things that are going well rather than the things that aren’t.

Yet Lord, You broke me of this this summer. Steadily but surely You gave me opportunities for complete honesty, in particular, with my bible study. How much of a blessing they were, Dear Lord! To tell them my full testimony from the very beginning and start off the entire project with full honesty was incredible. However, I felt my flesh so resistant to doing such. The subconscious question ran through my mind “what will happen if you tell them, if you let down your guard, if you show a sign that you are not as strong as you appear?” Looking back I now realize that it was Satan keeping me from fully giving You all the glory and relying on You alone. What lies those are, O Lord!

Vulnerability comes with a risk. It comes with a risk that others may reject or not accept me for who I am. Do I really care about that, O Lord? I find myself finally answering that question with a resounding NO! I am who I am in You, and that is more than enough. Any mark or brand this world puts on me is one that will never stick, because I am Your bondservant, all of my days. Who cares if I’m viewed as not being strong? The fact is that I am not, You are my strength alone! Praise be to You that Your strength is far, far greater than my own!

Then came some of the practical application, O Lord. In praying and listening for Your Holy Spirit to guide me, I was able to share all that You’ve done with John and me with my bible study, and that was incredible. In doing that, You called me to be extremely vulnerable about my past and all that entails, because it is the renewal and restoration of the past that makes a significant part of what You’ve done with me and John reveal Your glory. I laid it all out before them, O Lord, and how You moved…so beautifully. How Your Holy Spirit spoke through me in communicating how important it is to wait, and let things be completely of You. We must not take those matters or any matters into our own hands. The question remains with every person, in particular with my bible study, “can we trust You with every detail of our lives, even the ones that mean the most and our deepest desires, and trust that You will fulfill those in a way far better than we ever could?” Lord, through that night I believe they are much more closer to answering “yes” to that previous question. Praise be to You. That night was only the beginning of many nights and talks of vulnerability, all of which became easier because it was You working through it, not me.

With John You’ve also called me to be more vulnerable with him, which hasn’t been the easiest thing. But Lord, through that, You are revealing so much beauty and so much grace. I praise You for him and how You are revealing Yourself so much through him. I thank You for stripping away my layers with him and revealing to both him and me the beauty You have created in me, O Lord. I praise You for him accepting me just as I am, as the sinner yet the redeemed because of Your grace. I pray we will continue down that path, as hard as it may be.

There are many other examples, but those are the two key ones that stick out in my mind. Dear Lord, as I reflect upon these I realize that in not being vulnerable and honest about what You are doing and who I am in You, I am holding back glory that is due to You! May I never again grieve You in that way, my dear dear Lord! May I always be real and submissive to when Your Holy Spirit is moving me to speak and act in these acts of honesty and vulnerability, and may I never again possess any claim to myself!

Beginnings of Reflection

Give thanks to the LORD and proclaim his greatness. Let the whole world know what he has done. Sing to him; yes, sing his praises. Tell everyone about his miracles. Exult in his holy name; O worshipers of the LORD, rejoice! Search for the LORD and for his strength, and keep on searching. Think of the wonderful works he has done, the miracles and the judgments he handed down, O children of Abraham, God's servant, O descendants of Jacob, God's chosen one. He is the LORD our God. His rule is seen throughout the land. Psalm 105:1-7 (NLT).

The end of project and where I am at now leaves me in a mix of emotions. It's bittersweet project is over, yet I was ready for it to be so. I really desire to be home but need these two weeks for rest. However, I am not a slave to my feelings. Instead, I turn to the Word and allow it to guide me and lead me. I love this Psalm as it describes what I am doing now and am setting out to do in particular over these next two weeks.

I am ready to be home now, but know that these next two weeks will only prepare me more for that time. Praise be to God who has "paused" my life for two weeks in order that I may reflect and remember all that God has done...oh the infinitude of that! I can't wait to reflect on all of this so I can take all that God has taught me and done in me this summer with me into what lies in store!

I will attempt to blog on some of the key themes over the next two weeks, but it's all in God's hands. God is so good, so sovereign, and so worthy of all our praise!

Six Years Old

Six years ago on this day, I chose the better way...to open my heart and let Christ in.

And six years later on this day, I still choose the better way...to open my hands and serve the way Christ did.

Oh how glorious the gifts our Father gives are! I was graced with the presence and conversation with Larry, who attended our community barbeque tonight. Larry is homeless, and without much. Throughout much of the barbeque, Larry paced around, extremely nervous and anxious, and for some reason I was drawn to him. I brushed it aside altogether too easily, but God is sovereign and there was much more to be done.

Larry approached me at the end of the night asking me how he could help out with the cleanup. That began a conversation in which he was talking about how he was surrounded by extreme beauty in all of the women there tonight, and how he would give his life for any one of us. I wasn't sure where the conversation was going, for he first talked about his background. He's originally from South Carolina, and came out here for the movie business. There was a bit of resentment there, and deep sorrow in the fact the last time he went home, there was nothing there for him and no one left, and he vows he will never go back except for getting married and having his ashes scattered there. As we continued to talk, he took off his jacket and rolled up his sleeves to show me his tattoo, in which there was a cross. He spoke of how the Cross represented God and how He is everything to him, and then the four points represented life, love, justice, and peace. He spoke of how all of these things are worth fighting for, and he talked about Christ and how that sacrifice is everything in his life. He talked of how these things are greater than anything the world can do and is. He talked of his current struggles and how he's working on being around people because it's hard for him.

But in all of this, he holds fast to the promise of Christ and that God is sovereign in his life. Though his present troubles are great and magnified, he still has so much hope and faith in God.

I've been asking myself the question lately being surrounded and spending time with the homeless here in Santa Monica why is it that I am blessed with so much when others have so little? I know the basic answer to that question, but I believe there is more to it, that through this situation God will speak to me about a world vision. That remains to come.

But how humbling it was tonight for Larry to give me all that he had to give...encouragement to stand firm, to wait for my "soulmate" that God has for me, to know that I am beautiful, and left me with a hug and kiss on my hand.

Have I ever met such a gentleman whom I had never met before said he would die for me, to protect my beauty? Have I ever met such a gentleman who gave me his everything?

I did tonight in Larry.

But six years ago I did when I received Christ. He is the one who died for me, to protect my beauty, who gave me His everything.

How beautiful it was to see Christ manifested in Larry...

Oh how precious is grace...that I can fall at His feet and He'll wipe the tears off my face...that despite all my shortcomings He still loves me the same.

And oh how beautiful are the things God has in store...six years have passed by and eternity awaits. This is the source of my true joy and for which I long for.

Six years old in the Lord!

A Revolution Begin With Me!

What is wrong with me tonight? The selfish ambition of holding onto my rights. Not letting go of my pride.

What is stirring deep inside? The Holy Spirit I live by. To be released is my cry.

And in all this You are glorious. And in all I know You are above, I am below. Humbly before You I’m letting go…

What is the world’s expectation of me? To be quiet and weak. To be passive in the things I seek.

What is it to which You lead? To know You are all I need. To give up my everything.

And today You call me to obey. And I lay my life down to receive the crown. Tip the scales of balance a radical show is in store.

O the time You ordain so perfectly! Leaves me in awestruck worshipping. The flame steadily burning.

O the things of which You speak! To know what You are to bring. That you are the solid link.

And the bitter enemy of my soul no longer has a hold. The fight is over, the Son has won. I will not look back or ever give in, I press on in this race which I wish to win.

He clothes me as His own in order that His glory be shown. A surrendered life so foreign to this world. A song of righteousness renowned.

Start with me here and now, all I am to be poured out. No claim to this earth for there’s a rebirth. O Lord, a revolution begin with me!

No Wonder People Everywhere Fear Him

"Look, God is all-powerful. Who is a teacher like him? No one can tell him what to do. No one can say to him, 'You have done wrong.' Instead, glorify his mighty works, singing songs of praise. Everyone has seen these things, but only from a distance.

"Look, God is exalted beyond what we can understand. His years are without number. He draws up the water vapor and then distills it into rain. The rain pours down from the clouds, and everyone benefits from it. Can anyone really understand the spreading of the clouds and the thunder that rolls forth from heaven? See how he spreads the lightning around him and how it lights up the depths of the sea. By his mighty acts he governs the people, giving them food in abundance. He fills his hands with lightning bolts. He hurls each at its target. The thunder announces his presence; the storm announces his indignant anger. "My heart pounds as I think of this. It leaps within me. Listen carefully to the thunder of God's voice as it rolls from his mouth. It rolls across the heavens, and his lightning flashes out in every direction. Then comes the roaring of the thunder—the tremendous voice of his majesty. He does not restrain the thunder when he speaks. God's voice is glorious in the thunder. We cannot comprehend the greatness of his power.

"He directs the snow to fall on the earth and tells the rain to pour down. Everyone stops working at such a time so they can recognize his power. The wild animals hide in the rocks or in their dens. The stormy wind comes from its chamber, and the driving winds bring the cold. God's breath sends the ice, freezing wide expanses of water. He loads the clouds with moisture, and they flash with his lightning. The clouds turn around and around under his direction. They do whatever he commands throughout the earth. He causes things to happen on earth, either as a punishment or as a sign of his unfailing love.

"Listen, Job; stop and consider the wonderful miracles of God! Do you know how God controls the storm and causes the lightning to flash forth from his clouds? Do you understand how he balances the clouds with wonderful perfection and skill? When you are sweltering in your clothes and the south wind dies down and everything is still, he makes the skies reflect the heat like a giant mirror. Can you do that?

"You think you know so much, so teach the rest of us what to say to God. We are too ignorant to make our own arguments. Should God be told that I want to speak? Can we speak when we are confused? We cannot look at the sun, for it shines brightly in the sky when the wind clears away the clouds. Golden splendor comes from the mountain of God. He is clothed in dazzling splendor. We cannot imagine the power of the Almighty, yet he is so just and merciful that he does not oppress us. No wonder people everywhere fear him. People who are truly wise show him reverence."

Job 36:26-33, 37:1- 24 (New Living Translation)

Sifting Continued

For some reason I feel compelled to share my heart on what God is “sifting” through me right now. I’ve spent the past two days in a lot of silent prayer and reflection, but I really feel the call to write about it and share it…Bear with me in this, I don’t know how fluent or how much sense this will all make. I’m just going to allow God to go through this.

A large part of being in Santa Monica means being surrounded by the temporal things that consume our society, and I see just about every form here. Yesterday I wanted to scream. I felt so confined by this world that has been fabricated around me, a world that is toiling after nothing in an effort to fulfill their deepest desire only Christ can. Yet at the same time I’m still in the midst of this city, in the midst of all of these people, and my heart breaks for them because they don’t know the reality of knowing Christ and how He fulfills every need. However, the God of this world has blinded the unbelievers to such an extent that they are apathetic or angry or defensive or many other things, so that they don’t want to hear of a Savior; the “Savior(s)” they have “created” or “formulated” for themselves is sufficient. Anyways that’s a whole other tangent for another time, but basically it’s a world full of idols and sin...and I am no longer bound to this world or desire any of this! Praise the Lord for doing this revolution in my heart!

Over this summer Matthew 24:14 has been referred to quite a bit. “And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all the nations, and then the end will come.” This has been such an exciting verse to me, and has been one that God has used in part to strengthen my heart and call to missions…that I can take an active part in this!? How sweet is that!?! I desire that, to make an impact on this world for Christ in ways I can only dream of now. This verse came to mind in our bible study on Tuesday, for what reason I don’t remember right now, but I read the context surrounding it. All of Matthew 24 is part of this, but the selected part is:

4Jesus answered: "Watch out that no one deceives you. 5For many will come in my name, claiming, 'I am the Christ,F104 ' and will deceive many. 6You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. 7Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. 8All these are the beginning of birth pains. 9"Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me. 10At that time many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other, 11and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people. 12Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, 13but he who stands firm to the end will be saved. 14And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.

I see signs of this. Prophecies and the whole starting to be fulfilled. On the surface…it’s exciting, amazing, wonderful…deep within…it’s uncomfortable, terrifying perhaps.

God has been asking me, “what do you truly desire?” and “what are you really waiting for?” After doing a hard heart evaluation, I found my answer to be that I no longer desire the temporal things of this world, man, I am ready to be out of America. But in this I asked myself, if I don’t desire the temporal, do I truly desire the eternal, above all else? Do I truly desire to see all of these things fulfilled in my lifetime?

It’s been a hard answer. I think that to some extent I do desire these things because I know eternity is lasting and is far far better than the temporal, but I also think that I desire the eternal on a condition: that it won’t affect the “blessings” God has for me here on earth.

See, I want to passionately pursue Him and live my life completely soled out for Him; He’s only strengthened that this summer. With this, I know God will bring blessings for that’s the kind of God He is! He blesses those who choose Him and choose His ways—not because He has to but because He desires to!

But I think so often I live for those blessings He has more than the eternal.

I have never been fully comfortable or willing to accept the fact that Christ could return in my lifetime. I’ve wanted life to the full here, as He promises it when we seek Him (John 10:10), but have I truly set eternity in my heart, knowing it is infinitely better than anything He has to offer on earth?

Yet, as Matthew 24:14 continues to resonate throughout project, I find more and more that this is what God is calling me for: that I will participate in preaching the gospel to all the nations, and then the end will come.

Notice that last part? It’s contingent on the first. If I’m to be participating in preaching the gospel to all the nations, shouldn’t I be more than willing to accept its result? Shouldn’t that be what I desire above all else, to see all that has been talked and preached about forever fulfilled? To see the end come, Christ in full power?

I don’t know why it scares me so much. In my head I know that eternity and Heaven and the returning of Christ is infinitely better than anything on earth…but I’ve never gotten that into my heart. I think it’s been one of those situations in which I’ve been using the art of ignorance in an effort to push the issue aside in an attempt to deal with it later.

God says the time to deal with it is now.

So many of my desires are good, God-given desires…this I know. I just can’t let these desires for blessings overtake the desire to see and embrace eternity, to fully live for it alone! There needs to be a certain order there. For so long God has been teaching me to seek Him first and then the rest will flow.

I need to desire eternity above all else…to live that life knowing I am taking an active part in the end coming, and let that be the source of my flame. And I need to do it with a smile on my face, peace in my heart, feet ready to move, and hands willing to serve. I need to leave my fears and ignorance behind.

Steadily God is changing this and will continue to do so, this I know and hold fast to. It’s not a change I can do on my own. It’s not an easy one either, but I praise the Lord that He is so faithful and willing to ceaselessly shape me so I can be the woman He desires me to be, one that will be ready to participate in the fulfilling of Matthew 24:14.

Um yeah…I just feel the need to be honest before you all about this. I trust that God is using this in some way, I know He is at least for me.

John, perhaps this helps shed some light about what is going on…I think that I can talk with you more in detail about it when God so ordains it. There’s a lot to say right now that God’s laying on my heart, but I’ll wait on His timing.

I’m in His grip no matter where I am, I’m in His arms and that’s where I will remain.

Sifting

Sifting through the sands to reveal the treasure hidden within
A movement to dispel the unnecessary grains
Bringing it to the source of where true beauty lies
In all that remains

Sifting through my heart to reveal its deepest desires within
A movement to dispel the assumed needs
Bringing it to the source of where true beauty is found
In only One I see

In this, my Dear Lord, You are asking of me
What is your deepest desire
And what should it really be?
I ask for the sifting to persist as hard as it is
I ask for this revolution in my heart so it may be fully pleasing to You

Inadequate

O Lord, my words are inadequate
Unable to depict the yearnings residing deep within
That I will never be able to grasp the infinitude of You
Yet glimpses are given as a gift to see what is to come
Indescribable, incomparable, astonishing beauty
Leaves me lingering in its presence forevermore
Compelled by the light I venture forth into uncertainty
But remarkable brilliance displaying splendor
O wonderful maker, beautiful Savior
Whose marvelous works are displayed for all to see
Before my Lord, I desire to dance passionately
Sing songs of endless praise to my King
Fulfill the promises You have set before me
That through it to You all glory will be due
O Lord, my words are inadequate
Bring beautiful melodies to my ears
O Lord, my words are inadequate
Unable to depict the fullness of You

Steady Flame

John was talking to me yesterday, rather it was God speaking through him, and he brought up a verse from 2 Thessalonians 5:19, stating "do not put out the spirit's fire." He went on to say that a fire can be put out two ways; one by extinguishing it with water or something similar, and the other, by putting too much fuel on it too fast, not allowing a flame to develop. I went to church pondering this and what it meant for me.

I was wondering if I was trying to put too much fuel on the fire too soon, for I knew I wasn’t trying to put it out with water. There were these candles on the floor in the prayer room and I was watching them burn, fixated on the flame, asking God to reveal what it was I needed to learn from this. These flames were rather steady. Of course, there were times they were tousled about a bit, but they remained rooted to their wick, its source and presence. There was a candle next to me. I watched that one for a bit, until I decided to pull it closer for a better look. As I did, the wax contained in that tube, melted and liquefied, sloshed about, and then I saw it so clearly…

The flame is ignited by something outside of itself, the outpouring of the spirit when we accept Christ into our lives. It is contained on the wick, the foundation we have in the Word and all of God’s truths. It is a flame burning above all of this wax which is below it. The wax is hard at the beginning, but as the flame persists, the wax begins to soften and then liquefy. As we grow in our walk with God and keep the flame steady, then in time, those around us will be affected by us, and as time elapses, will become more and more so. Then either the pool of liquid wax at the top overflows or is shaken about, causing the wax to spill over, sending forth a rushing only to land someplace and harden. Once the wax is hardened, it leaves a lasting impression on wherever it landed. One looks around at all of these drops of hardened wax and sees that it came as a result of the flame.

None of this can happen without a steady flame. It takes time for the wax to soften and then liquefy. We can’t rush the Spirit and we can’t try to make the wax stir when it is not ready. If we try to move the candle too much, the flame will extinguish itself as a result of too much activity. We must be diligent in keeping our flame steady and only move it when the Spirit is calling. It is the steady flame that causes the eventual outpouring of the wax that leaves a lasting impression wherever it lands. It is our steady persistence in seeking after God that will cause the eventual outpouring of our gifts, affecting others and sending them out to leave a lasting impression.

And lastly, a flame can be transferred to another wick without diminishing its strength. From one flame can come another, and both can burn equally strong. Such is the picture of discipleship. Let us light many candles.

Hear My Cry, O Lord

Lord I pray You will stir a fire in all of us, that we will be willing to break free of these mediocre lives we are living! Let us desire to seek after You earnestly, with reckless abandon, with consuming passion! Lord, I desire to see You move in ways I never could’ve dreamed were possible, that as the skies display the work of Your hand, that Your people will show the work of redemption and be ministers of reconciliation. I am not satisfied and I want more for my brothers and sisters! In a life where we possess the eternal let us cease living for the temporary but always desire the eternal. I pray that You will reveal to us that any riches here on earth are rubbish compared to Your everlasting Kingdom. And Lord, I ask that You put on their hearts the question, “do I desire to be branded with the mark of my Lord? Do I desire to live a life of complete sacrifice and declare the glory from above?” Lord, let their answer be a resounding yes! Let us run forth as the body into the marvelous light, the wonderful light, and never turn back. I want more, Dear Lord, and I can’t help but be discouraged. Show me how I can spur my brothers and sisters on to this, O Lord. It’s fully You, completely You, always You. To you be the glory forever and ever. Amen.

I Am Sin, He is Righteousness Alone

Passages taken from Tozer's I Talk Back to the Devil

"O Lord, Thou art my righteousness, I am Thy sin!"

"Every time you take a new step forward for God, the devil will have some means of communicating to you that God is proud of you-and that You are wonderful. As soon as he can get you interested enough to say, 'yes, I guess that is true,' you have had it brother!"

"It is good for us to remember how strong He is--and how weak we are."

"Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselevs to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God." 2 Corinthians 3:4

This describes perfectly the humbling week I have had. I knew it was coming and though it's been extremely difficult at times, I praise God for it. I am sin, He is righteousness alone. Over this project I have grown so much and God has done so much with it all, but I was struggling with pride in that. For how do we have confidence in what Christ has done in us and created us to be and not be prideful? Throughout this week I've been learning so much of what it is to boast in Christ alone. I am nothing, nothing apart from Him! I have no right or anything to boast in myself! I think for a while, I was like, "well it's God working through me, but it's me allowing myself to be a vessel for Him." That's all wrong! Who is the one who paid my ransom when I was in the miry pit? Who has been the one who has taken me from sin and brought me into the marvelous light? ONLY him, ONLY! I have nothing to do with it except complete surrender and give Him all the glory! We have confidence in Christ, not ourselves. We boast in Him alone.

"Now Lord, if I do the things I know I should do, and if I say what I know in my heart I should say, I will be in trouble with people and groups, but there is no other way! Not only will I be in trouble for taking my stand in faith and honesty, but I will certainly be in a situation where I will be seriously tempted by the devil! Almighty Lord, I accept this with my eyes open! I know the facts and I know what may happen, but I accept it. I will not run. I will not hide. I will not crawl under a rug. I will danre to stand up and fight because I am on your side-and I
know that when I am weak, then I am strong!"

"Therefore since we have such a hope, we are very bold...Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God. And even if our gosepl is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. The god of this age has blinded the minds of unvelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gosepl of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side but not crushed; perplexed but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that His life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. It is written: 'I believed, therefore i have spoken.' With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. Therfore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs theym all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is uneseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 3:12,17-18, 4:1-18

I have seen a transformation in my heart this summer in the fact that I am becoming much more bold. It still scares me out of my mind at times to ask God for certain things, but He's been putting the question on my heart, "dare I ask?" "Dare I ask to see God's glory fully revealed in my life?" And with such a boldness comes a lack of understanding at times from those around me. However, I am no longer satisfied with the mediocre Christian life...there is so infinitely more if we are willing to claim it! We are being transformed into the likeness of Christ? Is that enough to put our hope in, to be bold? More than enough!

So often as we go out sharing the gospel here in Santa Monica and Los Angeles it becomes so apparent that the God of this world has blinded the minds of unbelievers. It's been getting to me quite a bit, and that's something that I will have to speak more on in time.

And no matter what my circumstances are or what they entail, wheteher I am hard pressed, perplexed, persecutred, or struck down, I have this treasure in jars of clay that shows the power of God! It is from Him and not from us! No matter what my circumstances are, they are light and momentary troubles. I fix my eyes on the unseen, the eternal...I have seen the temporary world in an extreme light this summer and it leaves me with such a longing for the eternal, the unseen.

With all of this comes a lot of spiritual warfare. But as I found myself in prayer the other night, I found myself accepting this with my eyes open. I prayed in earnest for God to continue to stretch me and mold me and break me, no matter how difficult it will be. I know it will be, but we are called to maturity in Christ! I want all that Christ has for me, and it doesn't matter what means He uses to do so. Above all, He is sovereign, and that is enough!

There's so much I want to write about because I have learned so much this summer, but due to the current circumstances, I wlll have to wait until after project. I am so looking forward to the 2 weeks of solitude I will have at my aunts house to be able to process all that has happened not just this summer, but this year! It's been a time of living in the moment in light of eternity. It's been a time of plunging head-first into every situation and walking by faith. But how GOOD it has been! How good! I can't wait to see what He has for me in these next 5 weeks before I go home because I know there are many more lessons and transformations of heart to occur. And when I do go home, how sweet it will be to tell of what God has done and experience the fruitful blessings He has in store...I'm really excited because God is the author of our lives and writes it far better than I ever could!

Blessings to all, and continue to seek out Christ for who He is! He is good! He is sovereign!

Of all these sinners, the worst is me
Selfish ambition to hold back the glory due
Consumed with rights and all my pride
The dictator of how I spend my time
A harsh lesson in humility
And still my praises must flow

To the One everlasting, steady and unchanging
Who is the same eternally
That for my sins He gave His life, paid the price
Laid down His everything
Now He opens my eyes and allows me to see
I am sin, He is righteousness alone

Did you know...

that in the Jewish language/culture there is no word for spiritual, because everything is viewed as spiritual?

I think that's pretty sweet...

Cockroaches and Moths

I know the title doesn't sound overly appealing...but read on. Trust me, God's in this.

About a week or so, Mike, our head staff project guy, gave a talk about 2 Corinthians (it's what we studied with the staff here) and the fragrance of God either being appealing or not to people. He then used the analogy that we are the light of Christ, and people are either like moths, drawn to the light, or like cockroaches, dispelled by the light. This metaphor has been on my heart for a while and I've been praying for God to reveal Himself in this. He is...

As for the cockroach story...it's a bit unpleasant, but like everything, God uses it and speaks through it if you listen. I woke up this morning for class and pulled back the sheets to find about half of a squashed cockroach uncomfortably close to my leg. I pulled back the sheets more to find another portion of it closer, and then was wondering where and how he got squashed, only to find the remains on the back of my pj bottoms...basically it was creepy and disgusting and my bed mate and I got rid of those sheets in record time. As I and Amber were sleeping, this cockroach was probably crawling all over us, without us being aware. We woke up shocked at the remains of what had been happening all night and the light exposed what happened in the darkness. As I walked to class and relived the experience, I thought about these cockroaches being creatures of the darkness. How much this experience is an analogy for what Satan does with us. Satan attempts to catch us off guard, while we are "sleeping" in our spiritual walks, and then crawls all over us without us being aware. During the time we are unaware of such actions, but then when light is shed on the darkness, we are shocked at the fact that this was going on without any knowledge on our parts. How often do we do this, how often are we unaware of Satan's schemes because we are resting and not on our guard for his attacks? And then when light is shed, why are we so surprised? When God is at work in our lives and the Holy Spirit's power is displayed, we need to expect these attacks and not be blind to them! And as my behind crushed the cockroach at some point last night, we must realize that we always have Someone stronger on our side, Jesus Christ! He has overcome all and possesses all the victory! So let us flee the things of the darkness and walk fully into the light!

As for the moth analogy goes, it has definitely been something developing this summer. God has been showing me how contagious the light of Christ within us is. He has shown and is showing me how that draws people in and they desire to know what it is. It leaves people in awe of its beauty and they seek after it. Christ is my #1 consummation and all things are of Him, not me! I hate the sinner I am, how selfish I am, but Christ has overcome it all! It's been amazing to experience and go on the path God is leading me, to be in the refining fire and come out pure silver...knowing that it is all Him and not me. I have begun to understand that God is going to use His beauty within me to draw others to Him in significant ways. I am not worthy, but God is still choosing to do so! People are like moths to me, attracted only to the light of Christ within me. This is good, in the fact they can be around the flame, experiencing its warmth and light and know that it is good, desiring more of it for themselves. It is one of the cries of my heart that people would see Christ within me and it would only draw them more to Christ.

Yet, as I think about this analogy, I think about when the moths get too close. Their wings or feet get caught in the flame and it injures them. In one situation I feel that I burned someone and caused him pain. I find myself thinking that I don't want to hurt people, so therefore, either they can't get too close or I need to change something. Here's the thing though-it is Christ within me, not myself! The question I've been asking myself is how do I fully allow Christ to live within me and impact others without them "getting too close and getting burned?" I don't want any other guys attracted to me because I don't want to burn them. The path before me is clear and I'm not going to waver in that. I have full confidence that I did what God called me to do and know that and hold fast to that; I just don't like the fact that pain was inflicted as a result. I was talking to one of my friends here on project tonight about this and he said that perhaps I am getting a taste of what God feels and goes through. Sometimes in growing closer to God there is pain. Sometimes there are trials that injure us and we don't understand. God knows what is best for us and knows that these things help us to grow; that is why He doesn't prevent them. It breaks His heart that we are sinners and must go through this, but it's all necessary to know Him! Perhaps this is the situation now. Perhaps it was necessary that in showing him Christ he was burned, because this will only make him stronger. This is my prayer!

Let us choose to walk in the light, regardless of any consequences or any creatures of the darkness trying to pull us back. We must always press on to His glory!

The Angels are Rejoicing!!!

Because my mom is a BELIEVER!!! Oh my goodness, how amazing it is!!!!!!!!!!!! That God is so faithful to His promises and His word and everything, that the power of prayer has been realized and put into action and oh my goodness!!!!!

I knew, I knew that having my mom come out here in the middle of summer project was going to be amazing and that God was going to use it in big ways...and He has! We had a great day, driving up to Malibu and spending time there and just sightseeing throughout the morning and then talking all afternoon and evening. My mom wanted to know so much of what I've been doing here and what God has been teaching me, and so I told her about just about everything as of late, and it was really good...I could see in that she was trying to understand everything and so I started asking her questions and found out that she prayed the prayer to receive Christ at the Easter production (the Thorn) and has been believing since then. In all of the training and everything I've learned and God has taught me this summer, I talked to her about the Gospel and all of the points of Christianity; for a while now I've felt the Holy Spirit leading me to do so. I went over it all to see where she was at and to see if it was genuine and she agreed with it all and there's definitely been a change in heart with her...it's so sweet. We talked about the implications of it all and where to go from here and oh my gosh, I'm so excited!!!

That God is so faithful to His promises and everything!!!! Please be in prayer for my dad though, as he doesn't believe yet and my mom hasn't talked to him yet about her decision. But God has it all ordained so perfectly and prayers for 6 years and of so many people have been answered! Praise the Lord!!!

Mystery

In the vast seas lies a mystery
astoundingly deep is His love
ever present throughout all time
limitless, held by no bounds
and the ocean sways and it swells
giving an indication of what is to come
captivated by the infinite mystery
of the Father's love in which to dwell
held afloat by no other strength but His
and the ocean rises and the ocean stirs
bringing about remarkable change
purest of water leading to rebirth
speechless of the infinite mystery
of the Father's presence which enraptures
when struggling to breathe and survive
the sinner's heart He captures
and the ocean gathers and it breaks
sending forth a rushing of power
beyond the depths of hell and grips of man
astounded by the infinite mystery
of the Father's strength beyond any other
carrying on and carrying forth onward to shore
propelled by the force set in motion, time will reveal
the infinite treasures of the deep that lie in store

Times of Silence

Times of silence prove necessary in our growth and diligence in seeking after God, for in those times God is at work in a way we are seemingly unaware of, only to have it revealed in time. It was so wonderful to talk to my best friend from SLO today after almost a month of basically silence. How faithful God was in that time and how sweet it was to talk to her! We were in silence for quite a while because we didn't know where to begin with what God is doing and has done! The question was asked, "what has God been doing?" and we found the appropriate question to be "What hasn't God been doing?" Our God is a mighty God doing amazing things!

I think one of the biggest lessons for me this summer and in particular right now is to wait in those times of silence and hold fast to truth, combating all spiritual warfare that may come my way in that time. By God's strength it is doable! And how much more blessed are things in His perfect, untainted, beautiful timing!

"Be silent before me, you islands! Let the nations renew their strength! Let them come forward and speak; let us meet together at the place of judgment. Who has stirred up one from the east, calling him in righteousness to his service? He hands nations over to them and subdues kings before him. he turns them to dust with his sword, with windblown chaff with his bow. He pursues them and moves on unscathed, by a path his feet have not traveled before. Who has done this and carried it through, calling forth the generations from the beginning? I, the Lord, with the first of them and with the last--I am He. I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, You are my servant; I have chosen you and not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:1-4, 9-10

Choices

I've never seen things so clear yet somewhat blurry at the same time...

A choice between comfort and security, and against complete abandon

A choice between one steady and one passionate

A choice to stay and a choice to go

A choice to live on the safe side or a choice to dive deep in

A choice to follow the standard expectations or one to break free

A choice to no longer be of myself but fully His

It's funny how God brings things full circle, with so many similarities but one distinct difference: God wasn't in one, God is in the other.

And amazing how He redeems us and gives us a second chance...

And oh, my words do such injustice to Him!

Truth

"For no matter how many promises God has made, they are "Yes" in Christ. And so through him the Amen is spoken by us to the glory of God. Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set His seal of ownership upon us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come." 2 Corinthians 1:20-22

I sit amazed at how God provides abundantly and reveals Himself through the Word. The Word is living and active, a sword to any falsehood or deceit we face from the world and our bitterest enemy, Satan.

For all of God's promises will be fulfilled through Christ...that no matter what the devil attempts to do to try to foil it, we know that he will never win. We hold onto the promise that all promises will be fulfilled, and know that is to come.

The "amen" comes at the end of an offering of prayer or praise, and is given by us to the glory of God...we say Amen because of what He has done, and so I tell you, the streets should resound with cries of Amen because of all that He's done and all He has yet to do! Let us fully give Him the glory!

Only in Christ can we stand firm...it is by His strength, not our own.

Anointed is such a cool word...meaning "spiritual endowment given for serving God." We have been anointed so we can preach the good news! It's a deliberate act by God, as all are, in a part of His beautiful plan!

God has set His seal of ownership upon us...we are branded by His name, called His children, fully His own! Who else would I rather be?

He has placed the Holy Spirit in our hearts so that we may serve Him, and it serves as a deposit that guarantees what is to come. Guaranteed! AMAZING!

And lastly a passage from Tozer..."But some of us want God's blessing and God's stirring and God's best for our lives at any cost! We have the Savior's Word that the Holy Spirit has come to us in our present world. He is mine and He is yours, our sweet possession! No man can set up the rules as to how much you can have of God. The Lord Himself has promise that as far as He is concerned He is willing to keep the candles of your soul brightly burning."

Like a Dream

Sometimes life seems like a dream...and it seems to be becoming more and more so...

Where I am, who I am becoming, what God is doing, who is around me, why I am here...the beauty and goodness of it all words fail to describe.

Circumstances are only the beginning of the intricate plan He is executing and has in store.

How good it is to know I have a God who is for me and not against me, and that His grace and mercy do not depend on my actions; they always exist and are always abundant.

How good it is to know the Gospel and to make it the cornerstone of which I live and breathe...that the Cross, the greatest act of love and redemption of all time, may be at the center of my life.

How blissful is communion with our Savior and how full His blessings are...and to know this is only the beginning...

May I never awaken from such a state...!

The Question

This summer has been much about redefinition in a lot of ways and seeking out my Savior first and foremost, to set a level path beneath my feet for what lies ahead of me. It's been a summer in which I haven't been seeking out friendships but seeking Him only and allowing Him to bring those friendships He wishes. He definitely has in a lot of ways.

I see all of these circumstances in which God has placed me in, with the way my day is spent. Much of my day is spent in solitude, though surrounded by people. I go to class in the morning and listen to a two-hour lecture, come back, plan meals, go get lunch, shop for food, cook, serve dinner, listen to meeting for the night, and then at this point I am exhausted from the day. Throughout the day I am surrounded by people, whether at the grocery store or in class or whatever, and God has placed me in this time of intentional conversation, so I may have no distractions whatsoever from Him. I love it. I feel this is my time to be a spiritual weed and grow exponentially, by going straight to the Source of the living water I seek. I know I have grown so much just over the last three weeks. Throughout the day I have limited but good time to spend with people here on project, but the key social time, after our meetings at night, I'm exhausted, so I am often in my room journaling and reading the word. This is what fills me up. Do I feel that I am missing out on friendships? Perhaps. But do I feel that overall, I am missing out? Not at all!...for my God is more than sufficient and I love not relying on people at all, and only on my Father; how wonderful it is that He is all we need!

I read these two passages from Tozer last night and it spoke so much to me, for this is where I am at.
“Bretheren, when we finally have our meeting with God, it has to be alone in the depths of our being. We will be alone even if we are surrounded by a crowd…I know that people do not want to be alone with God, but if your longing heart ever finds the living water, it will be alone. We humans want to help each other and that is good insofar as we can, but God wants us to press through to His presence where there is no natural or artificial help…He asks that we come with a naked intent unto God. We must want God Himself—and nothing more!”
“ In our day there are still the crowds and the meetings and opportunities to reach out to Jesus in simple faith and love. But we have meetings where people revel in the crowd—and ignore the Lord. In the midst of our assemblies, isn’t Jesus always waiting for someone to disregard the crowd and the circumstances and the traditions—and to push through in love and in faith to touch Him for His healing wholeness?”

This week is Ohana week, in which we focus on community and family. It was a hard night because I felt so conflicted--do I go with the norm, dictated by spiritual leaders and authority God has placed? Or do I go with the knowledge my Savior has graced me with, in realizing and knowing that I am to be radically different?

The question. Is there more in those friendships that I need to be pursuing? I know God has gifted me with much wisdom and grace that I can share with other women and lift them up, and I know I haven’t been doing that in the way I can. I did have the opportunity to do that with Amber tonight and it was so good, for God spoke through me to encourage her and say what needed to be said. Yet there is a time to act and a time not to. Is it time that I take the initiative or not? I know God can use me in amazing ways with these girls but do I seek that out or allow God to bring those opportunities? Am I being selfish in just desiring God and not giving of myself to these girls around me?

Yet, at the same time, I am giving a lot of myself this summer in a different way, with cooking. I know I am operating out of my gifts in a different way; I am not neglecting them by any means. I feel this summer is one of redefinition, in which I don’t do the same thing I’ve done just because it’s what I’ve done, but instead, let God define and dictate what I am to do. This is a season, and I’ve felt so clear on what has been expected of it, but now I’m questioning a bit, with this whole Ohana week. Do I do what I know I’m capable of doing?

Tonight we had these cards that we had others fill out about us stating what our strengths and obstacles were in communion. Amber filled one out for me, on obstacles, and she stated this: “I see a lot of compassion and wisdom in you. I’d like to see you share it in pursuing other women more. You also need to teach me how to pray in the Spirit like you do!" Here’s the irony here. She’s encouraging me to pursue other women to share in my wisdom, and in that, talks about having me teach her how to pray in the Spirit. The reason why I pray in the Spirit is because of the communion I have with my Lord! I’m in tune with Him and the Spirit because I am alone with Him!

So because God has gifted us with gifts to be used for His glory, do we always have the responsibility to use those, and must do so? Or is it when God calls us to use those gifts that we use it solely then? Are there times we should...hold back, in a sense? I'm so much about being Spirit-led. To be Spirit-led we must be Spirit-filled.

I keep going around in circles with this. O Lord, I pray You reveal to me what it is You wish me to do!

God's Provision

Just have to share this:

About half of the project went out to dinner tonight for one of the girls' birthdays in Westwood, about 20 min away. I drove and we found a good parking spot on the street so we just had to pay the meter for 2 hours, instead of 5+ dollars. We went and enjoyed a good dinner and then it had been past two hours and so we're hightailing it back to my car so I won't get a ticket. Well on the way back, I realized I didn't have my keys; I couldn't find them, for they weren't in my purse, and I figured they had to have been dropped somewhere. We kept walking back because we would at least put more money in the meter so I wouldn't get a ticket and praying my keys would show up somewhere. We get back to my car, and I looked inside to see if they had been locked in and they weren't; I looked around to see if they had been dropped and didn't see anything, and then I look to my windshield. There, tucked under my wipers, were my keys. I must've dropped them by my car and someone found them and put them there. My car could've easily been stolen in the two hours we were gone, but God totally watched out for me.

It comes back to something God's been teaching me as of late: don't concern yourself with trifle things, for God is bigger, more sufficient, and will always provide. He always does!

How good it is to be the child of a Father who watches out for us constantly! :-)