“The word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord: "Arise, and go down to the potter's house, and there I will let you hear my words." So I went down to the potter's house, and there he was working at his wheel. And the vessel he was making of clay was spoiled in the potter's hand, and he reworked it into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to do. Then the word of the Lord came to me: "O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter has done? declares the Lord. Behold, like the clay in the potter's hand, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel.” –Jeremiah 18:1-6
A struggle of mine this year has been being able to intrinsically understand what is going on within myself…what is the Lord teaching me? What is it that I am thinking about and pondering? What is it that I need to set my mind and my heart to do in order to pursue Him more? Am I where I should be with Him at this point in my life?
Amidst these questions, there have been countless moments of clear joy and thankfulness, even though what John and I hoped would happen or what we hoped we might do or where we might be wasn’t manifesting itself right away. In the absence of thought I am used to having, it has been sweet to truly see and appreciate what is precious, the things, people, and situations given by God’s grace. I wonder if those sweet moments of thankfulness have been because my mind has been unable to form many complex thoughts. Whatever the case, I have been thankful for the change in my heart and disposition to see these things more clearly and simply.
Yet, I’ve wondered. Wondered if the level of self-awareness I have become so accustomed to bearing was diminishing or changing for the future. I’ve wondered if it was diminishing simply due to the circumstances of this season and would return in time. I’ve wondered if perhaps in marriage, my definition and knowledge of myself has changed, as I have changed.
Many times in the last year I have felt like clay on the potter’s wheel. I have been placed and centered on the wheel itself, but I have been morphing clay. At times I have felt strong and sturdy, ready to withstand anything. Other times, I have felt stretched thin to where I am trying to maintain my balance so I do not fall. But overall, I feel that my shape of who I might be and am has been morphing and changing. Sometimes I am a vase. Sometimes I am a glass. Sometimes I am a bowl. Sometimes I am a plate. Sometimes I am something unrecognizable. I have never really seemed to know with certainty what I am going to look like and be in this season.
Yet the wonderful thing about being clay centered on the potter’s wheel is that the form itself can change. The master knows how to create. He knows when to let the clay dry out a bit for more stability, and he knows when to add water to it all to allow it to once again be soft for the shaping. He knows exactly what he is doing and how to get an unassuming lump of clay to be something dramatically different in time.
I still don’t really know what form I am taking on the potter’s wheel. But I know I am centered and that my base is sturdy. And above all, I know that I have an opening at my top, always ready and willing to receive. What my purpose will be, I do not always know, but I know that I am purposeful because of the way my Master has been creating and shaping me.
This past week, I have had the opportunity to be back with some of my closest friends, the people I have lived life with so thoroughly over the last few years. It has been humbling to see and remember how well I am known by each of them, despite having been in a different state in the last 10 months. Right now, I feel as if they know me better than I know myself…and that is a very unusual place for me to be. It’s as if they’ve had an inside view in the potter’s studio and have watched as I have been taking form. I am too close to myself to see or know, but they have the beautiful thing of objective perspective. They reassure me that it is good, that I am taking shape, that I am where I need to be. They watch and observe with peace, not because of who I am, but because they see the potter and know him. And, it is the most bewildering thing that when I look at each of them, I see them as their own lump of clay, centered on the wheel and taking form as the potter shapes them.
Those outside of ourselves can see much more clearly. And it is with this week that I am seeing for the first time that I truly “know myself better” when I am in a community that knows me and has walked through life with me. This community did not magically develop. It became what it is today because of many years of walking through life together and making the conscious choice to be willing to see into each other’s hearts and souls. And on the brink of a move to NYC, I am so thankful for this reminder where I will have to actively participate in building another community again. It is worth it. It is so worth it.
Dare I might guess that we are all in the same place? That we all are uncertain to one degree or another of what we ourselves are supposed to look like, and what our function is supposed to be? Praise be to the Potter who knows from beginning to end, and for the gift of those in our lives who see us more clearly than we see ourselves.
