My mental capacity has been stretched to the max lately, leaving me little room to write anything that would be of merit here. What I can say right now, however, is that I am continually being reminded and taught of God's grace, sovereignty, and provision. He is so good to go before us in all things, and so good to make Himself known.
I was reading my journal entries from around this time last year tonight, and was struck by this one. This entry seems to capture so much of the season that last year was, and provides a wonderful perspective to how faithful God has been to bring me where I am in the here and now. He is my hope, joy, and delight. He is my right hand, my rock upon which I stand.
I pray that in some way this bring encouragement to those who read it...the waiting season is often difficult, hard, and sometimes painful, as this journal entry reflects. Yet, I can testify that God does bring us through it, and all in His perfect time. He is fully sovereign, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
10/25/08
Dear Lord,
I have been reading through journal entries from this summer this morning. I’ve only gotten to the beginning of August today, but there is so much in just that month and a half I have read.
Lord, You know how You convicted me last night that I needed to do this, and how I really didn’t want to. As I’m here now, it’s definitely been uncomfortable to some extent, but it has been opening up my eyes in a way they need to be. Lord, I don’t have any answers or conclusions from reading this, more just thoughts from it.
Am I really that girl of the writing that I was reading? The one who has an intimate relationship with You that is beautiful?
Who am I now? Who am I now in light of this summer? I don’t really know, just that my heart is tired, and I’m not exactly sure why. This summer “waiting” was a resonating theme, and that was to wait unconditionally for as long as I needed to. It was that the wait could often be difficult and painful, but in it I come to know You more, Your heart more.
And Lord, I think that’s what I have forgotten over the past couple of weeks. I’ve been emotionally drained and have been unable to find hope and joy in the midst of circumstance; something You taught me well over the summer. Life is hard. But You are still my right hand, my rock upon which I stand. You are unchanging in the midst of so much changing circumstance.
You know me. You know every part of me, even all the intricacies and confusion of where my heart is now.
Lord, I don’t know where I am or what I am to do hardly at all right now. But if there was one specific thing that really stood out to me in this morning’s readings, it’s that I can’t despair in these times and take things into my own hands. When there is a lack of physical manifestation, it doesn’t necessarily mean that things aren’t where they should be at.
I don’t know if things are where they should be at right now, but I do know that I have nothing to really give or bring to You; I’ve just been having to rest in You alone.
People have said that my faith and relationship with God is inspiring to them and gives them hope. And as I read my own journal entries this morning, I felt as if I were reading them from the outside. They were amazing…they really were.
Maybe I am to be inspired by my own faith and my own relationship with God once again.
I see this season lasting at least a little longer.
But may I find my hope, my joy, and my delight in You once again. That is surely enough to stand upon and wait.
