Thought of Longsuffering

From my journal entry:
The hardest thing about longsuffering is the waiting on promises to be realized amidst the threatening thought that it never will be.

It is Beautiful

As I was driving today, I was thinking about the story and life of Jesus, particularly the description found in Isaiah 53. It made me ponder the reality that Jesus’ life was a difficult one, not without persecution, suffering, or difficulties. Though He was fully God, He was also fully man and in His life here on this earth, subject to the very same things I am.

Yet, in knowing His story, life, and message, it cannot be denied that it was a beautiful one. It cannot be easily ignored that with the suffering came redemption and restoration. What makes His story so beautiful could be the pairing of stark contrasts that we seldom could not see paired otherwise, such as: “The punishment that brought us peace was upon Him” (Isaiah 53:5). It goes on to say He was a lamb led to the slaughter, and it brings the picture of pure white wool stained with the blood that came.

But there was redemption. There was purpose in the very slaughter. “It was the Lord’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer, and though the Lord makes his life a guilt offering, he will see his offspring and prolong his days, and the will of the Lord will prosper in his hand. After the suffering of his soul, he will see the light of life and be satisfied; by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many, and he will bear their iniquities” (Isaiah 53:10-11). And ultimately, there was hope.

On the eve of the birth of my Savior, I find there to be a lyric sung at church this morning that captures an irony well: “why would He send a little baby…?” Looking at that statement alone, it makes no sense. Yet, in the whole picture, it is a beautiful thing and understood.

I am finding great comfort in the life of my Savior. It makes the realities of mine make more sense, as my Savior lives through me. My life is not one without difficulties, and I am subject to things of this world. In many ways, I relate to that lyric sung this morning, “why would He send a little baby?” So often I feel like a baby with such lofty purpose and plans put upon me that in that context, do not make sense. But I am reminded of the contrasts and how they are beautiful. I am reminded of looking at the whole picture and seeing it as purposeful. That is true for me. My Savior lives in me, and just as I am subject to the realities of this world, I am more so subject to the life of Him, full of redemption and purpose, full of mercy and love. Just as the life He lived was not an easy one, so too, is mine.

But it is purposeful.

And ultimately, it is beautiful.

Elise gave me this quote tonight...not sure who it is from, but something in need of remembering and putting into action in my life right now.

“Walking in the power of the Holy Spirit in ministry means peacefully, happily trusting God in the midst of leaving things undone.”

In Drink

Seems like it’s a long, dry road I’ve been walking
An exhaustion of the body and soul and spirit
Pressing on despite the difficulties that reside
Still trusting that You are good.
Still knowing that You are sovereign.
Yet wondering where it is this road leads and why
The elements haven’t helped the exhaustion
Nor the questions
Sometimes tired eyes squint so hard to see what the next step is
And that can prove to be too much.
It becomes one foot after the other
Trudging forth out of sheer will that seems deplete
derived from knowing You are still there in it all
And You will never leave.

But it’s so easy to forget in the midst of a dry road
to drink of living water
the unending fount
I forget the providence You bring
I don’t walk on my own
You are sustenance.
You always provide.
May I fall so then I can be carried
Not rely on stubborn self-will
Need I drink
Need I rest to survive
Need I find the fount of water that multiplies
Beyond my greatest need
But in drink
May I delight.
To know You are the source of life.

Getting Free from Entanglement

There are some lessons in life that one cannot venture to explain the nature of it for some time. It’s like a journey so deep into a forest, which is purposeful in itself, but there is no way to connect with those outside the forest and explain what it is like unless you are there outside or they are with you within. My nature is to explain what I am going through with people, in an attempt to understand better what I am going through (I’m a verbal processor) and also that they may share in it as well. I believe strongly in the power of community and the measure of accountability that can come from it, but that in itself I have been learning is not absolute.

There’s a lot I have been going through lately. A lot of the things in my life that were once so black and white became increasingly gray and I’ve been attempting to understand why. I’ve been trying to reason through many of these things, hoping that once it made at least some sense in my mind that things would fall into place. But what I have found is that is not really true. The mind is an amazing faculty and gift given to us by God, but I also see it as one of the easiest things for Satan to deceive. He wants us to try to wrap our minds around intangible things to make them tangible to us, to try to have an answer for those things that simply don’t have answers, and to get us so concerned with the aspect of understanding why we believe what we do with specific things that we get away from the whole point of faith. We are to walk by faith, not by sight. There’s a reason many things and aspects of God are called mysteries. There’s a reason why we don’t understand, and it is that we are finite while He is infinite. And in all our struggle to gain an infinite understanding of the reasons to have faith, whether conscious or unconscious, the process of attempting to do so proves our earthly wisdom to be more finite than ever.

We don’t live in a cookie-cutter world, though sometimes that looks appealing. Sometimes it would be nice to have set criteria for what we are to do and who we are to be. It would make things simpler. It would make the quest for the right answer an achievable task. But as tempting as that is sometimes, I do realize that it makes our lives about achieving the “right” answer, doing the “right” thing, being the “right” person, all judged by uniform criteria that realistically, cannot be applied to such a diverse world. It becomes about achievements and works rather than a journey of faith, a journey of learning and failing and learning again. It would make our character a “right” or “wrong” thing rather than one in which it needs to evolve and be refined over time. We would miss the point of our life being a journey of faith that evolves and ideally strengthens.

It’s hard to classify specifically what I’ve been wrestling with, but I think it has to do with understanding the difference between aspects of God’s sovereignty and aspects of choices on my part. The prime example I can think of a demonstration of God’s sovereignty is that He sent His son Jesus to die, a one-time act that bought the pardon of all and could not be changed, subtracted from or added to. Yet, there is a choice on the part of every human being to accept the pardon or to reject it. The act of God’s sovereignty never changes, but there is still a response and choice to be made to the sovereignty.

I can’t tell of how many examples there have been in my life of this condition in the last few months, and how many remain. I would say I am really similar to Job in that I know God, I know His truths (though I can always know more), but I have questioned His motives and ways in doing what He is doing. I have forgotten to rest in the fact that He is sovereign and who He is. It’s almost like I’ve had a cynical faith. I’ve also had this harsh dose of reality over the past couple of months in that the world is broken. It seems like the dreams that once seemed so realistically and easily dreamed when I was younger now seem too lofty, and that saddens me. It shows me where I’ve forgotten to hold onto faith and not to tangible realities.

John and I talked about Romans 8 the other night, and it spoke a lot of truth. What I took away from our conversation is that we cannot change that which is sovereign and those things that only God can do. Fighting against it proves useless. However, there are aspects of our character (mentioned in Colossians 3) that we are to take an active part in correcting, doing away with, and refining. That process helps us yield to God’s sovereignty, because we are actively seeking to be holy, seeking the higher way rather than the conditions of this world and our flesh. We are to “put on the new man” (Col 3:10), and that requires action on our part. We are called to obey His commands, and the act of doing so is an act of love on our part towards God.

I think we often forget that that very process, though usually difficult and uncomfortable, is for our benefit. It enables the freedom for things to come about that couldn’t easily before. We cannot receive unless our hands and hearts are open to do so and aren’t previously occupied. We cannot yield to God’s sovereignty if we don’t see the need to do so.

I’m sure I’m off on a tangent here, but I think our efforts need to be in understanding the big picture and abstract concept of what God requires of us instead of analyzing things to a concrete detail that we miss the point. Instead of trying to understand every single part of why God is doing a specific thing, we need to instead focus on the fact that God is doing a specific thing, and we can trust Him to be who He is in doing that very thing. We don’t ask the right questions, and we often ask too many.

I heard it said a while ago that there is a reason Jesus talked in parables instead of bullet points. It is that there is a general meaning and concept behind the message He gives, but to make everything a point-by-point map would diminish the need for faith. It would surely become about works instead. We have some very clear directions that we should take as just that: clear commands to respond to such as in Colossians 3, and concerning our salvation through Jesus alone, such as in Acts 4:11-12. We should not try to make those clear concepts ambiguous, but to respond to them accordingly. Yet at the same time, there are many things, such as the aspect of hope that we are called to, that is much more abstract. The general idea of it is consistent, and we are all called to it, but how it is applied varies. There’s not a clear-cut pattern as to how we are to do it, and we should not think it is such.

I cannot change or bring about what is sovereign, but I can yield myself to it.

The ironic thing about writing this is that in one aspect, I’m trying to explain the answer I’ve been receiving in the state I’ve been in as of late. However, the answer is that I am seeking out answers that I cannot reach or are not there. I’m asking too many questions. I need to yield myself to that which is sovereign and have faith, one that endures and bears the fruit of longsuffering. I also need to actively pursue doing the commands that have been specifically mentioned.

I’ve let too many things that were/are black and white become gray. I may not understand why such a thing is black or white, but it simply is what it is. I can’t muddle black and white together intentionally to make gray. If you’ve ever mixed paint, you will understand that black and white are pure colors, and once you start mixing them, they are forever tainted and you cannot get back to the pure white or black. It will just be varying shades of gray. Thankfully, our faith is not like that, and the muddled gray can be redeemed to its purity. Yet, I think it should be a strong example of the danger that can come in questioning the wrong things. It’s hard to recover.

I will leave it with this: God surely has used this process and overall it has been beneficial because it has shown me the extreme finite nature of my mind. Yet, I allowed Satan a foothold in asking questions I didn’t need to, and those need to be redeemed. I’m thankful that He does so. Here is a quote from The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis that concludes it well. (The enemy is God, and it is spoken from Satan’s and the devil’s perspectives.)

“My dear Wormwood, I note what you say about guiding your patient’s reading and taking care that he sees a good deal of his materialist friend. But are you not being a trifle naïve? It sounds as if you supposed argument was the way to keep him out of the enemy’s (God’s) clutches. That might have been so if he lived a few centuries earlier. At that time the humans still knew pretty well when a thing was proved and when it was not; and if it was proved, they really believed it. They still connected thinking with doing and were prepared to alter their life as the result of a chain of reasoning. But with the weekly press and other such weapons, we have largely altered that. Your man has been accustomed, ever since he was a boy, to have a dozen incompatible philosophies dancing about together in his head. He doesn’t think of doctrines as primarily ‘true’ or ‘false,’ but as ‘academic’ or ‘practical,’ ‘outworn’ or ‘contemporary,’ ‘conventional’ or ‘ruthless.’ Jargon, not argument, is your best ally in keeping him from the church.”

"I Still Believe" lyrics, by Jeremy Camp

Scattered words and empty thoughts
seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
seems I don't know where to start
but it's now that I feel Your grace falls like rain
from every fingertip, washing away my pain

[Chorus:]
I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
even when I don't see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
with promises I still seem to bear
even when answers slowly unwind
it's my heart I see You prepare
but its now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
from every finger tip, washing away my pain

[Chorus]

The only place I can go is into your arms
where I throw to you my feeble prayers
in brokenness I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know You are near

One Day At a Time

I wrote in class yesterday, "Lord, You ask of me a strength that I do not have...in order that Yours may be manifested instead." And it has been. I look back on the past couple of months and it has been a hard couple of months. But it hasn't crushed me like it would've in the past. I see more and more that the times of trials and difficulties I go through reveal the true substance of my faith in God; it asks the question 'how much He is my strength?' because He is more than substantial. His strength carries me, one day at a time. I empathize a lot with the lyrics below especially in the conditions of this world but how "I can feel [His] fullness in my life." I'm amazed at how though I still live in a largely broken world, still He can heal and redeem, especially within me. And I will continue to walk one day at a time.

One Day At A Time lyrics by Jeremy Camp

One day at a time I will walk this road I've traveled so far
One day at a time well I know I will carry on
One day at a time I can see you took my life this far
One day at a time I will take this faith along

All this hope I breathe is given by the hand that carries me
Until I'm complete and I'll take all I will
To understand this plan you have for me, for me

I've been shut up, shut down, held out, held down
In ways I never knew I would
I can feel your fullness in my life
Well I've been burned out, broken down, torn out, torn down
In ways I never knew I would
I can feel your fullness in my life

One day at a time I will take these words you've given me
One day at a time I will rest in knowing you
One day at a time I will share this gift you've given me
One day at a time I will walk these valleys through

All I know is that I see how much my heart
Is longing to be cradled by your side
And I'll give all I can to one day soon
Be held by your hand, by your hand

In all these things I will press on
I'll be with you I know it wont be long

I See These Glimpses of Glory

I was in a coffee shop this afternoon getting some work done while there was a local musician playing his songs. He was not known, but full of zeal and enthusiasm which I appreciated. I looked forward to having some music accompany my design work, but I gained something much more than I expected: the observation of a tangible, beautiful reality; and it translated into another "glimpse of glory" that I keep getting time after time again lately in the midst of this broken world. It's those moments in which you see a picture of how things were intended to be. It's something that gives hope in the midst of brokenness. It was simple, but beautiful...
_______________________________________________


In a coffee shop on a crisp fall afternoon
There was a man in a corner, guitar in hand
singing his songs to the few who had come to hear
Most tarried around him occupied with the things they had come to do
But there was a woman standing in a corner
Watching him play like she had never heard music before
In the midst of a chord, he caught her eye
Smiled through the people and just wouldn’t let her pass by

I see these glimpses of glory
little fractures of light on the edge of brokenness
The picture of beauty that I see
makes me wonder just how and when
this broken world before us
left standing in the glass that shattered
can finally allow the redemption within

He played a little longer and she kept moving a little closer
waiting for the moment the song was to end
He put the guitar down with one hand and embraced her with the other
Turns out she’s his biggest fan
They shared a moment in the midst of the little café
Delighted in one another because the beginnings of a dream had come true
This was his night and time to shine
and she only had eyes for him

I see these glimpses of glory
little fractures of light on the edge of brokenness
The picture of beauty that I see
gives me hope and makes me wonder
when this broken world that lays at my feet
and my heart that lies within
can be bound up and healed

But he only had eyes for her too
a little while later he invited her to the front of the room
He wanted her to join in his last song
She pulled up a chair next to him and together they sang along
And by the looks of them, they were the only people in the room
Here was him and here was her and that was more than enough
in the midst of a night of sparse applause it was her love that carried him through
But oh, how he loved her too
If I had the chance, I would tell her
He had only eyes for you

I see these glimpses of glory
little fractures of light on the edge of brokenness
The picture of beauty that I see
is what carries me through
in my hope in a God who redeems
Because though the world is broken and shattered
it’s not what it was intended to be
and what carries me through
is my hope in a God who redeems
The pictures of beauty that I see
little fractures of light on the edge of brokenness
I see these glimpses of glory

"What are human beings that you make so much of them, that you give them so much attention, that you examine them every morning and test them every moment? Will you never look away from me, or let me alone even for an instant?" Job 7:17-19

A true thought in the fact that we can never escape His presence or hand, and that is not always an easy reality. However, it is coupled with great hope in that we can never escape His presence or hand, and thus, always reside in His sovereign grace. May our heart's response go from the above to the below:

"When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars, which You have ordained; what is man that You take thought of him, and the son of man that You care for him? Yet You have made him a little lower than God, and You crown him with glory and majesty!" Psalm 8:3-5

Kites After 21

I tried to fly a kite alone today. It didn’t really work.

The conditions seemed to be favorable. A steady wind was blowing and I was at the top of Perfumo Canyon at sunset. I had panoramic views all around me of the hills, the ocean, and the evening fog rolling in from the bay into the valley. It was so warm that I was happy in shorts and a t-shirt, which is a rarity of Central Coast nights.

I have long wanted to fly a kite again, especially at the beach. I was at the grocery store today and they had their random clearance boxes out. In them was an assortment of cloth kites, mostly Barbie and Princess kites, marked down to $2.50. I elected for the butterfly kite instead and was excited about my purchase. I left it in my car today thinking that sometime soon I might get a good chance to fly it.

I was doing homework this afternoon when I got the inkling to go up to Perfumo Canyon. It’s been a special place for me largely because of the two different people I shared the discovery with last year, but I haven’t been back since. I waited until about 45 minutes before sunset to drive up.

It was a beautiful drive. I had my camera and bible in tow and was greatly looking forward to the opportunity to enjoy my God’s creation and His presence. I stopped at the top where one can see Morro Bay and basically have a 360-degree view. I got my camera and bible out and went to go sit on the top of my car when I saw my kite in the back, and with the wind, I got really excited. Flying a kite at the “top of the world” (at least in SLO county) seemed amazing. I crossed the road into an open field and started my many attempts.

Like I said earlier, it didn’t really work. The butterfly kite was suspended in the wind, but was tossing about and turning, usually just a couple of feet above the ground. It kept turning backwards and fighting the wind rather than having its wings open and letting the wind suspend it. I tried a couple of different ways to set it off myself, but they didn’t work.

I knew it pretty much from the beginning—that I wasn’t going to be able to fly it alone—but I tried it for a while anyway. I didn’t want to waste such a beautiful night and not try.

But there are just some things that can’t be done alone.

I was talking to Kate today and she talked about lives merging. She was saying that in coming together, things are not the same as one was as an individual. But she said that there is a different happiness found in the merging, that some things get cut out, but the end result is incredible.

It reminded me of the necessity and benefit of sacrifice in relationship, not just with people, but with my dear Lord.

After my failed attempts, I drove down the hill a little ways and watched the remainder of the sunset from the top of my car. I talked to God during it, and found myself in amazement in how so many things have changed. Life is incredibly different now. I turned 22 yesterday, which is odd for many different reasons. As I sat on my car and thought about these things and more tonight, I firmly realized I am not a kid at all anymore. In some ways, I’m really not the same person I have been in the past, as I’ve “grown up.” I find myself increasingly thankful for the unchangeable character of God in the midst of so much changing circumstance.

There is so much I don’t understand.

There is so much that I have no idea how it will come about.

But I know the hope that I cling firmly to…and that outweighs it all.

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God (Psalm 62:5-7).

(Sur[real)ity]

I’m not sure why I am writing on a night in which my brain is fried (for a multitude of reasons), but perhaps it gets it out of the way to allow my heart to do the speaking instead.

This morning I got an email from the Art Department informing me (and all the other art students) that I needed to complete my annual advising, filling out a contract for the next 5 quarters of the classes I plan on taking. I’ve done this the past 2 years, and so it’s been familiar.
However, as I opened it this morning, it took me by surprise. It listed the next 5 quarters, as always, but the last quarter listed was the Spring of 2010, which is also my time of graduation.

That occurrence brought a new, stark reality to life—that graduation is actually, for the first time, in sight. It coupled with the fact that time has been flying by in a brazen, somewhat frenzied pace lately, and time seems to continue to speed up.

I’ve had a few discussions with friends of mine about the fact that our entire lives, up to this point, have consisted of only faint views of adulthood and what it looks like. It was always the prospect of the future, but one far off, intangible, and one that seems like it will never come. Yet, now, for the first time in our lives, it is no longer a prospect, but now a reality. And it’s the reality for the rest of our lives.

The days of innocence and carefree bliss that we associate with childhood are passing. Our eyes are coming into a truer view of this broken world, and we wonder and ponder what God’s role for us in it is. The aspect of going home one day to our Father is more and more enticing—perhaps, because there, we could avoid the realities that are seeming to plummet upon us.

I’m not trying to make this out to be a bad thing. Because it’s not, really. We are to move on from the elementary ways and onto the mature, and that is good. Even though we want to be Peter Pan and never grow up, growing up is good. It means many of the long held, highly regarded dreams of our youth can come into fruition now. Just about every girl has long dreamed of her wedding day and walking down the aisle to her groom. Just about every girl “couldn’t wait” to have kids of her own, even if she was 8 at the time. I know boys have dreams of this nature, though their content I do not know. I think we are coming to understand that though life isn’t the fairy tale we always dreamed it would be, in slow motion and with beautiful panning shots and a vignette blur around the edges, we understand that God has a far better story written. We’ve been walking in it from day one of our lives, but now just seems more real and tangible, because now, these things can actually happen, and are happening to those we know.

But I’ve had a strange occurrence in the midst of this stark reality…and that’s that life seems surreal to me. It doesn’t feel like I am fully here. My appetite for things is changing to some degree. I’m longing more and more the presence of my Lord rather than the blessings He’s given on this earth. It’s surely a lot of prayer answered, as I used to struggle otherwise. But it reminds me ever so, that this life, is transitory. That though, God manifests Himself tremendously on this earth, there still must be more than this.

A passage from the book The Shack talked about Heaven, stating “our final destiny is not the picture of Heaven that we have stuck in our heads, the image of pearly gates and gold stuff; instead, it’s a new cleansing of the universe” (pg 177).

Whatever Heaven may be, I do not know, but I eagerly await. This earth that I reside on now is my lot that God has cast. I attempt to embrace it wholeheartedly, as I am coming to understand that not just this present reality and the lessons with it, but also all of the future ones as well, are just preparation for that day I return home. As for now, may I become more and more like my Savior, resemble the image of my Creator, and live by the Holy Spirit indwelling within.

Male and Female

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them" (Genesis 1:27).

I've been thinking about a book I read lately that has an important truth to be remembered. It refers to the above verse and talks about how male and female were created in God's image. With that being said, each gender bears specific attributes of God that the other does not. God is a multifaceted being and has not limited a resemblance of himself in one part of his Creation.

That being said, in seeking to know and understand not just ourselves and our own gender characteristics, but also those of the opposite gender, we should consider it a blessing to enter in and understand attributes of God that we do not possess. When we journey into understanding the opposite gender, we also journey into understanding aspects of God that we may hear of, but do not necessarily understand.

Though it's complex and difficult, it is good, because there's much more purpose than just trying to understand the opposite gender. The creation of male and female is yet another example of a providence given by God on this earth to journey to understand the divine mysteries of Him Himself. That is purposeful and good, and surely worth journeying on.

With Me Tonight

I see you across the dance floor in the corner of the room
your presence catches my attention
Standing there seemingly watching me with your gaze
I can’t help myself, I fidget a little as I don’t know what to do
Wondering what you’re thinking as you watch me the way you do
And I wonder if you’ve come to be with me tonight

Even across the room I look into your eyes
It’s a familiar gaze I’ve looked into before
and I see one I seem to know so well
But with your advance I find my heart quickens
As there’s still a mystery I seldom know
And I wonder if you’ve come to be with me tonight

Are you going to dance with me?
Are you going to be with me tonight?
I want you to know the rhythm of my heart
and know the joy I have inside
Seems like I am seldom, hardly known
for who I wanna be in your eyes
Are you going to dance with me
and are you going to be with me tonight?
Are you going to love me
and call me precious in your sight?

You’re so much closer now
and yet your face is harder to recognize
But still I can’t forget the piercing
of the gaze that comes with those eyes
Where do I know you from
and why have you come to be with me tonight?

You ask for my hand and then there’s scars I finally recognize
It’s the holes in your hands and the gash in your side
You’re not who I was expecting you would be
from across the room but now you’re here with me
Your love is what I’ve known and what I’m looking for
and once again, You beckon me to come forth

Into Your arms, there I fall
Within Your eyes, there I’m known
And not just in this moment but for all of my days
I can’t forget the piercing
of the gaze that comes with those eyes
Because it’s the look of love that has pursued me my entire life

So would You dance with me?
Would You be with me tonight?
I want You to know the rhythm of my heart
and know the joy I have inside
Seems like I am seldom, hardly known
for who I wanna be in Your eyes
So would You dance with me
and would You be with me tonight?
Would You love me
and call me precious in Your sight?

The Seemingly Impossible

I’ve been dwelling on the fact of the seemingly impossible as of late. I feel like there’s a lot of circumstances in my life right now that on the surface, seem impossible for them to come into being or to be carried out. Examples of this include trying to end the academic quarter 2 to 2.5 weeks early, planning a large scale week-long conference for the campus in January, engagements with friends and fellowship, learning difficult lessons in a relationship, and more.
I look at all these things and each of them in themselves seem impossible, and all of them together is another story.

Yes, there are times I feel overwhelmed, and I hope I’d be the first to admit that. But I’m also finding something uncharacteristic of me in this situation, and that is learning to delight in the impossible…

Hebrews 6 talks about the progress of moving from an elementary to mature faith. We are to remember the doctrine we have been taught, and the goodness of God which we have tasted thus far, and yet still press on. It refers to promises such as those that God promised to Abraham, and what it means to inherit those. We are to be sure of better things (vs 9) and be earnest in holding fast and fully to the hope we have until the end (vs 11), because then we are imitators of those who have come before and inherited the promises God has spoken.

We are to be like Abraham and patiently wait for said promises. We are to have faith, not in something as finite as ourselves and the works of our feeble hands, but in Someone infinite. Someone greater than ourselves (vs 16).

We so often want confirmation for what we hope for. Often times we wait and hope without seeing tangible fruit of said thing, but in His own promises, God gives us an oath sworn by his unchangeable self, that we may hold fast to the hope we have before us (vs 17-18). The oath that God has sworn by Himself is the surest and most steadfast anchor, as Jesus is the One binding the Covenant between ourselves and God. He is the forerunner on our behalf, our priest in the inner courts (vs 19-20), and through salvation in Him, we are able to receive all the Father has promised.

God laid the foundation again for me this summer, reminded me and taught me thoroughly the elementary things of my faith, such as who He is according to His word. It is good that I move on to the mature things, regardless of how difficult they are. When we truly know and understand knowledge, I believe it penetrates our heart and floods through our actions. With that, I believe that when we come into a better and fuller understanding of God, it penetrates our hearts and floods our actions.

In these seemingly impossible things, I am being covered with the truth of the knowledge I know and hold fast to. I am being reminded that my own strivings are folly. I’m remembering that I truly can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I’m remembering that He must become greater, and I must become less. I’m remembering that it is of more value to believe without seeing. I’m remembering that even when I, a youth, grow tired and weary, the Lord will renew my strength. I’m overwhelmed with the peace that comes with the knowledge that God is always faithful. His ways are not my own, but I can surely trust Him to work out things on His own accord, and for the good of His children.

I’m incredibly thankful that these seemingly impossible lessons and circumstances only bring me back not just daily, but in every moment, to His feet, realizing that I am truly nothing and He is everything. I cannot live on my own. When I place myself at His feet and under His care I find Him in immeasurable ways that I only could’ve imagined or dreamed of before. The relationship I have with Him is much more than anything that can be found or described here on this earth, as His character is a profound mystery…

But I am not a mystery to my dear Father. In His eyes, these seemingly impossible things before me are things He has set before me in order that I may be refined, move on towards maturity, and above all, know Him more, love Him more. His ways have already come to be, and all of my days are already written in His book, even as I live into His story for me moment by moment.

I live in the light of a divine mystery, that of the Father’s love for us and everything that results from it. There are so many things I don’t understand right now about the things I am in and the circumstances that surround me, but I rest in the knowledge that He does. I will continue to walk in this divine mystery, realizing that I now see in a mirror dimly, but one day I will see clearly; now I only know in part, but then I shall know fully, as I am fully known by my Father (1 Cor 13:12).

That is surely enough to hope in.

In the Whisper

I have long heard John refer to 1 Kings 19 and how Elijah did not hear God in the wind, fire, or earthquake, but rather in the whisper. And it’s honestly a little strange for me to be writing about this personally because I feel as if I’m stealing his lesson from him or something, but I do see how God has used the lesson He’s been teaching John to help me recognize it as well. So therefore, I will write about it.

It was about a week and a half ago that I was driving home at night on a two-lane highway from John’s house and our anniversary date we had just had. After about probably 15 minutes of driving, I saw a moth come up through the vents by my windshield, the ones that defog your windshield. This may not seem like that big a deal, but for those of you who don’t know, moths are my #1 detested, skittish creature. It has to do with a time about 10 years ago when a moth flew into my mouth and I couldn’t get it out speedily. Needless to say, I’ve been somewhat traumatized by them and detest them since that time. So when I saw the moth crawl out from that vent, I was disgusted and tensing up more and more by the second. I don’t like them in themselves, and then to have one in a dark, enclosed car while moving ~70 mph on a two-lane highway at night is just a bad situation.

I was already having a bit of a rough time on my drive home before the moth appeared. The moth was really the last thing I needed or wanted. It was still on the dashboard for a while and I was able to tolerate it. However I was realizing that if it started flying around, it would be a really bad thing because I cannot control my reaction to moths. I freak out, literally. I decided to pull off the road before an accident happened and get the moth out of my car. It took a little bit of effort, but I succeeded.

Or so I thought. About two minutes later, a moth started flying all around my head and I lost it. It made me angry, upset, frustrated, tense, and also released a lot of pent-up emotions. I decided to drive the last 20 minutes home with all the windows open so that one, either the moth would fly out, or two, the wind would keep me from knowing it was touching me. Needless to say, I got home cold, tense, and exhausted.

But there’s more to the story. The moth was the whisper. I had been texting John during the drive and pretty soon after I first saw the moth, I texted him “For some weird God thing right now there is a moth in my car, and I believe it’s God reminding me to trust Him in the unexpected movements that I want to see. I wish God wouldn’t remind me through a moth in my enclosed car that won’t get out…ugh!! But I must let Him do what He may.” I realized the lesson pretty quick for once.

The last two weeks have been very full of unexpected movements that I want to see but find myself having and needing to trust God in it altogether. There are times like this and lessons like these that are uncomfortable like the moth makes me. Yet I’ve been reminded that it’s usually the uncomfortable times that bring the most refining of our faith because it strips it down raw to expose what it really is and what it is lacking. These times are so purposeful, but they are purposeful if we allow God to make them so; in other words, hearing the whisper, drawing near to Him, and allowing Him to do what He may. I think the more and longer I walk behind my Lord I see that we have the choice to be as near or as far to God as we desire and the choice to receive as much or as little as we choose. I see these things to be true. Where I think we often get confused is that we think those truths to be true on our own conditions and in our own ways and means, and they simply are not. His ways are not ours. And thank Him for that!

The situation of the moth definitely exposes where I still would love to see and have control over, as I found myself praying that night “God thank you for this lesson, but do you really have to teach me through a MOTH???” It’s kind of a stupid question in hindsight because I don’t think I would’ve gotten it in any other medium. God knew. His way was not my own. And so often it is not. But His way is always better.

It brings me back to the necessity of hearing God in the whisper. I think we can easily expose and endanger ourselves to the wind, fire and earthquake in a desperate attempt to hear God when in reality, we need to be still and listen to the ways in which He’s already speaking. John said in his blog the other night “God is God. He doesn't communicate like us. He hardly ever speaks in audible words in the way we think of communication and so it is with the Spirit. He communicates without them often times.” There is much truth in that.

This summer has reminded me of what it’s like to hear God in the quiet. It’s taught me greater depths of what it is to hear Him in the whisper. I so often forget in the midst of what He’s been doing and teaching me in regards to my hearing that one of His purposes in me not hearing the world is that I may hear Him, in the quiet, without the roar and distraction that surrounds so many others. That is never to change regardless of where my physical hearing is at. That should be the “hearing” that I tirelessly seek to refine, improve, and listen, for the ways He speaks are of eternal value and will never fall away. This is not to say that I don’t eagerly await the redemption of “broken physical ears” and await His gift in it, but I’m finally getting it into my thick skull that that is not the main point. The test remains in how I hold fast to that truth in the midst of changing circumstance. I am thankful for God laying the foundation now and reminding me of the sweetness of His voice, even if it may bring about difficult things.

We need to remember that God knows us. He knows our every thought, joy, struggle, triumph, and defeat. He has predestined us and knew us before we ever came to be. He loves us with a love unlike any other. God is for us, who can be against us? And what good is it for a man to gain the whole world but forfeit his soul? Those who save their life will lose it but those who lose it will find it. It is not only wise to heed how He speaks and what He says, but a joy and privilege to do so.

He is not in the wind, fire, or earthquake, but in the whisper.

(Matthew 16:24-28), (1 Kings 19)

A Photo Library of Memories

On my computer my screen saver is set to my iPhoto library, playing pictures at random. Needless to say, there’s a very large variety of pictures within it; taken over the course of the last few years from anywhere and everywhere. My screen saver is often playing, especially when I have my computer at work and have taken a few moments to do something else. A few minutes ago as I was attempting to journal and articulate something of the millions of things that are swirling around in my mind and heart, I stopped typing, and after a few minutes, the screen saver started up.

I remember almost every photo I take. I remember where and when I took it, and more than that, the emotional connotation and the context of it. I have grown to love photography so much because of all the meaning it can contain within a single image. As this random slideshow of my own pictures, and namely my life over the last 4 years played tonight, a range of emotion washed over me. I remembered each moment of those pictures, and some seem so long ago, my freshman year of college, though it’s only been 3 years. I remembered the people I’ve known and how we have all changed and grown, and life has surely taken its course.

I’ve been saying for a while now that everything is about to change, and nothing will be the same again. Well, that reality has finally hit. Perhaps it’s the fact that it’s my last week here in Colorado Springs before heading back to school next week after being home for what should be my last summer here. Or maybe it’s the fact that yesterday I talked to my best friend over Skype at 7 in the morning my time and 10 pm hers, as she is walking into a new adventure in her life. It might’ve been a text I sent last week that ended up being rather prophetic in nature. It could also be the fact that I said good-bye to Tine’s little sister today who I have known since she was 7 and is heading off to college in a couple weeks. Or maybe it was the conversation I had with my brother today at his apartment, hanging out like we never have before.

But really, it’s not just one of those many things (and many more) that has happened to set reality into motion. In many ways, to classify one of those things to set reality in motion is like looking at one picture in a medley in my slideshow, thinking “that’s when things changed.” A picture is just what it is often coined as, a “snapshot,” referring to one moment captured in time. With as much connotation it can carry, it’s not the full view. But when pictures are compiled upon one another and continue to grow in number, you start to get an accurate picture of the change over a period of time.

There may be pictures from several years ago that remind us of sweet or bitter things. In themselves, they are powerful memories, either moments of bliss or wounds opened. They may remind us of things we do not want to remember. But I think this memory serves us well, because it opens our eyes to what was and if we have allowed things to be healed and changed. They may remind us of hope, an innocence of earlier days that perhaps we have lost sight of in the present yet wish to carry into the future. Memories in themselves are powerful things, just as a snapshot can convey.

But where I believe character is truly shown is over time, over the years. The years reveal what we have learned or haven’t learned, the lessons of God that have brought us through and remain our foundation or the ones we still forget. I believe it exposes our history of inaction or action. I believe it really exposes who we believe God to be, not just in a season or even multiple ones, but in every moment of our lives past, present, and future. I believe that as time progresses, so should we.

It’s why I find myself taking pictures and continue to. It’s why I find myself looking at past ones and remembering. The slideshow of pictures of the past show how little or far we have come and perhaps wakens our eyes to the present and future. The picture-taking adventures I set out on in the present and future occur because I understand that no matter how amazing or memorable the past pictures have been, I know God has more in store, more beauty to reveal, more memories to create, and I would feel I was missing out if I didn’t pursue it to the fullest. I’ve had some memorable picture taking journeys, some smarter than the others, but don’t regret one moment of it. It’s one of my ways of living life to the fullest, or perhaps better said, a metaphor of the act of doing so.

I believe God’s sovereignty to be an incredibly powerful thing, one in which we should always remember and hold fast to. But at the same time, I am coming to understand that His sovereignty is not a reason or excuse not to take action in the very ways He has commanded us to do so. We abuse it then. We don’t hold fast to what He has given and remain good stewards of it. And I know that’s one of the last things I want to do in this life He has given me, to say “Yes Lord, I choose You and Your ways” and then never set out to walk in them or walk in them fully.

It’s not just the iPhoto slideshow that is flooding me with memories. I have so much swirling around in my mind and heart as of the past few days that I can never articulate on my own efforts. God is flooding me with memories, flooding me with truth, flooding me with promises, flooding me with vision, and flooding me with longsuffering hope. Remembering the past, what has shaped me, encouraged me, or even hurt me, helps me to move forward, because it magnifies both what God has done and what I still have yet to let Him fully redeem. Sometimes we have to look back in order to be able to move forward. Sometimes we have to remember the things of the past, whether sweet or difficult, to understand how we can walk into the future. And a lot of the times we have to be reminded of the progression of pictures, the very character we have developed, to realize that over time things do change and we have to walk in them accordingly.

As I started to say earlier, everything isn’t simply going to change, everything already is. There’s been a wave of relative consistency in my life over the last 21 years. There’s a new wave coming. It surely requires me to trust God in ways I haven’t before and see Him move in ways I wouldn’t expect. But the old wave has brought a stronger belief and steadiness in my dear Lord that carries me into the future…that though I may not know, I may not understand, He surely does, and His right hand holds me fast. There is nothing I need doubt of His character or who He is in my life, because He surely works all things out for good, even the most difficult ones. I don’t think this new wave is going to be easy, but I hold so strongly to the belief that God is going to blow me away. The very pictures He has set in place in order to show us the greater mysteries of Him and His love are beckoning me to dive deep within. I want this new wave to show God to be who I know He is and forever will be, and continue to shatter the love and knowledge I have for Him. The Lord is my Keeper. I know my cries are heard, and I know He answers. I know my faith in Him is not in vain. I hold fast to see what He will do in this new wave.

In time, new photos will be added to the library, both holding meaning on its own and building on the medley that shows my life and where God has brought me.

As He has in the past, so He will in the future-He will always lead me through.

"While I cannot be there right next to you to hold
you as you walk through the field, I am 
carrying you even from here, and I am laying 
you in the hands of our saviour who loves you 
so very dearly and will guide you through and 
make sure that you are whole in Him in the end."

From my beautiful best friend across an entire ocean...
her words say more than enough

Field of Lies

Out in a field seemingly untainted and pure
I drink in the beauty that surrounds
Breathe in the air deep and take it all in
It’s moments like this that remind me of who God is
And I find myself in perfect peace drinking it all in

I go to walk through it, to experience it more
Making myself vulnerable to the things uncontrolled
For this is the field reminding me of the Lord
Therefore, I go forth, but then I forget
To watch my step for what lies underneath

Because before I know it, I’ve stepped on a mine
The once pure field has become one of lies
Narrowly escaped the aspect of death
I find myself reeling from the pain
And wonder why this place has become defiled

I forget that in the midst of beauty there’s still an enemy who resides
One who lays traps and runs and hides
Leaving those ignorant to their own demise
He hates all things good and pure
And bitterly opposes the battle in my own heart

Though in this the greater battle has already been won
There are still so many mines and lies
And each step forth, though closer to the end
Makes me take caution with every move
When all I want to do is to simply be free

I can’t keep walking on mines
I can’t keep narrowly escaping
only to have to pick myself up once again
Trying to ignore the pain and lies
And once again cling to the hope for which I fight

In this world they seldom send soldiers out to battle on their own
No, together they fight
And when one’s down the other carries him over his shoulder
To lift him up and keep him from demise
They cling to the cause of which they fight
Believing firm in the hope that they will prevail
Yet to win the battle, they are stronger when side by side

I’m walking in this field of beauty
Trying to drink in God’s presence and romance
But there is an enemy still that I must fight
And maybe one day I’ll better understand the pattern of the mines
But for now, I have to fight the lies

Everything

On this blog as of late, there are seldom times in which I write about something not from a first-person perspective, or for the purpose of speaking to people rather than sharing with people. I was thinking about that today and wondering why such a change has occurred in me. The thing that I've been able to pull away from that thought is that when it comes down to it, I am no different than anyone else out there in the world, from those who know me the most intimately to those who will never have any idea that I exist. I, like everyone else on this earth, am a sinner that falls so incredibly short of the glory of God. I, like everyone else on this earth, am seeking to find purpose in this life and to make it meaningful, even daring to dream that perhaps, in some way, my life could make a difference.

This being said, it may sound purposeless to blog or even share what it is that I am going through, learning, or thinking about. What brings me back to it, however, is the fact that in my own search for purpose, in my search for meaning, in my lofty dreams that my life could make a difference, I am finding One who is truly set apart from all of us here on this earth. I am finding One who calls me intimately into His presence in order that He may redeem me, sanctify me, and set me apart by the mark of His blood. My search has ended with the beginning of a journey, and that is one of coming to know and understand One who is so infinitely unlike me, and unlike anyone I will ever find here on this earth. My search has culminated in the beginning of this journey, because I have come to understand that the things I have always sought after or dared to dream can only be found within this path. It brings a purpose to my life that wasn't there before. But more so, it brings reason for breathing, reason for singing, reason for living, because I am on the journey of knowing One greater than myself, greater than my life, greater than anything that could ever be imagined. It is within Him that everything can truly be found. In my seeking of Him and losing everything else, it is then I truly gain.

And perhaps that's the purpose of this blog...because though I am so like everyone else here on this earth by nature, there has been and is One who shows me what it means to be set apart. There's this journey He has me on, and while it is intimately personal and tailored to who I am and what He desires me to become; the fact is the prospect of the journey is open to everyone. It comes at a price, yes, the very blood of Jesus Christ, but He deemed us worthy of it. It comes with the aspect of learning what it means to lose our life so we can truly find it. It doesn't come with anything easy, but it is more than worth it. And that's why I share. I share my journey in hopes that others will be beckoned to the One I know, and either begin their own journey with Him or continue to follow hard after Him, renewed by the joy of His presence and an understanding of His immeasurable grace. This is the goal of my life, that those who know me would ultimately know Him, because He's far better than I ever will be.

And with that, I share what God's been doing in my heart and life as of late, giving you my journal entry from tonight. May you be blessed by His presence, and may He speak to you through the words of a sinner such as myself as He so chooses.



Dear Lord,
I haven’t journaled for a week. That keeps becoming more and more of a normal occurrence, which I never would have imagined it would, due to how much I have written in the past. However, it is perfectly in the season You have me in, as I say over and over again.

I have just found myself completely overwhelmed with who You are, my dear Lord. I was driving to meet Emily today and I was just tearing up immediately in the car as I thought of You. And Lord, it’s still so true. I find myself more in love with you than ever before. I find myself in Your presence more than ever before, and with it all comes so much peace and knowledge of who You are. I find the truths I have come to know over the 8 years I have known You really fully taking root. Your words just flood my brain as I think about such things and find myself in different situations. There’s this steadiness that only You can bring.

The book I read and have been reading, In the Meantime, has been one of the biggest blessings of this summer. You have helped me to see how there is tremendous purpose in the waiting, in the things that may seem monotonous in the present. Lord, though I can’t see it fully yet, I can understand how what You have been bringing me through especially this summer are preparing me so much.

I’ve been praying about the bible study/gig in the art department the last couple weeks. And Lord, I believe You have just now given Your answer. Lord, the fact is, I know how to do a bible study. I know how to lead a group of people. I know how to disciple. With the exception of discipling and pouring into those who You call me to pour into, I need to not focus on structured things that I can control. The fact is, I don’t know how to be mission-minded in every moment. I don’t know how to let You minister through me without me knowing it in those types of situations. I don’t know how to be intentional with the Gospel in my relationships with non-believers in a way that’s not trying to convert them or appearing to have that mindset. Lord, I know how to do ministry. And I know how to do friendship. Though there will always be more to learn on that end, I don’t know how to combine the two. And the fact is, that is what people are looking for first and foremost. Believers who will be real. People who will love and accept them. Christians who walk the walk and live in this world but not of it. Lovers of God who will enter their world and show them something greater. There is far too much structure in how we reach people and it’s turning people off more than winning. I believe there is a greater need and focus in how we allow You to move, rather than there being a systematic approach.

It’s interesting that this is coming from my hands, but I do believe it to be something You have been showing me this summer. A great picture of that is this morning. We went to church for the first time this summer. The Paauws invited us because Mr. Paauw was preaching. My dad came. You know how much I have been praying this summer for those kinds of opportunities for my parents to see You and know You more, and for my dad to turn to You. Yet Lord, still You have commanded me to wait and not take action in the ways I normally would. And Lord, today it was so clear why. What was spoken about this morning was the beauty of the gospel, why it is good news, how it has been advancing and prophesized since the beginning of all time, and how even the disciples didn’t get the full implication of what it means. In every way, it made the gospel relevant to every human being and also showed it as the incredible redeeming love and grace it possesses. I couldn’t pick anything better for my dad to hear, and I couldn’t have picked a better time, place, or person for him to hear it from. You met him where he is at, because You know where he’s at. I wasn’t to play a part in it this time. Same with my mom. She needs to take these actions on her own, and not because it’s simply something I do. She needs to seek after You because of who You are. I’m so thankful for this morning, because I truly believe it did something far greater in an hour and a half than I could’ve done on my own efforts in this entire summer.

That’s where it gets hard sometimes, because we are inclined to do the opposite of what we should actually be doing in a situation. When we are told to take action, we stand still, and when we are told to wait, we rush forward. It’s this sinful flesh that still opposes the things of You and must continue to be sanctified and redeemed. It is so much in those situations that we have to come to You and die to ourselves in order that Your will, not our own, be done. It’s in those beautiful moments such as this morning that remind us of Your sovereign control and how You know far better than we do. It’s in the moments in between that we must hold fast to the knowledge we have of You, trusting and knowing that Your ways surely are better than our own.
That’s where I’ve found myself overwhelmed. Lord, there has been nothing of me this summer because You have stripped it all away. You have been bringing me to the place where I hold fast to You alone and love You because of who You are, nothing else. Lord, You know at the beginning I felt raw and exposed, because there was no longer things that I fabricate for myself to hide behind. But as I stand still in moments You give me, I find myself tearing up in tears of praise because Lord, You are so much better. You are so much greater.

It’s like everything of You is water in a crystal clear lake. Left alone and in its purity, there is nothing else that compares. We have the blessing of observing it and letting it be what it is, and when You choose to pour it out upon us, You will. I see two ways we could interact with this situation. One being that we are in complete ignorance of how dirty we are and in an attempt to be part of your plans, we jump in without Your consent and defile the purity of what You are doing. Another being that we wait on You, knowing that we, by our own means and ways, have no right ourselves to interact with such pure things. If we are chosen by You to interact with pure things such as water, it must be in the manner of being cleansed by it, being baptized by it, being in full knowledge of our defilement and Your purity. We cannot ever think ourselves of the same nature You are. Therefore, we on our own, do not have the right to associate or immerse ourselves in things of You. We can only do so when we realize we have been bought at a price and that we are part of Your grand plan only by grace. We treat these matters with so little regard and we wonder why we continue to fall on our face, why these things seemingly of God never seem to quite work out…

And that’s where we must know that there is nothing of ourselves that can bring any more worth to who You already are. We must live our lives seeing through eyes of humility, humbly accepting who we are. It is when we realize that we are nothing, You can fully be everything. When we allow You to bring us to that place where we truly experience and taste it, we finally come to understand at least in part that You are God in Heaven and we are here on earth. We finally come to understand that there is such a deep mystery in our relation with You and how that is possible and then allow that to become even more of a mystery. It becomes a romance, in which things seem new every morning and one feels more alive than they ever have before. It becomes something that is beyond words and better manifested in tears and silence. It becomes all of these things we have never dreamed of experiencing because we have never before understood what it means to get out of the way. It becomes, for the first time, a truly unhindered communion with You, because we have begun to understand this place You have us on this earth while we dwell in Your presence, awaiting the Kingdom to come that has been advancing since the days of John the Baptist. It becomes all of these things that You have forever created it and destined it to be, because we finally understand not only what it is to be truly nothing, but to rejoice in that very fact. It has been a long time of breaking, and will continue to be a daily death to self, but is the beginning of what it means…

…to let You be everything.

Night Lightning

Something Profound

When it’s hard to put words together in a literary composition of sorts to convey what one is learning or going through, it’s time for the writer to write from the heart. Sometimes things are just too profound for it to be tangibly grasped and written from the mind. That is where I have found myself as of late, and particularly now. It’s time to write from the heart.

I said goodbye to my best friend two days ago. I won’t get to see her again for another year. The experience itself and all that has come with it has been incredibly profound to me. She was here for a couple of days prior to that as I got to show her around Colorado and we had the blessing of each other’s presence. Yet the goodbye at the airport is probably one of the hardest I have been through for many reasons. As we prayed together before that, I found myself realizing that the tremendous blessing we have been given in each other’s friendship is what made it so hard to say goodbye. The level of depth we have attained in our friendship has created such a love and respect for one another, forging a bond that I think many people would envy. I’m reminded of the story of Jonathan and David when Jonathan stripped his armor and gave it to David. He loved David as himself. In many ways, I believe this to be a good picture of our friendship, because Elise knows me in so many ways and depths that others don’t. Her love has stripped my armor and I have been able to give it to her. God has brought us such comfort and edification through one another.

I realized later on that night that I have been focusing on the big picture of her leaving and the reality that brings for so long that I never allowed myself to see what I will miss and grieve. Throughout the whole process of God leading her to East Asia, I have been blown away by His workings in it all, from the grandest to the simplest. In the past several months I have had the blessing of seeing how God opens doors and leads His people through them, blessing and challenging them along the way. In this coming year I am so excited to see what He does with her; both around and through her, as well as within. I’m so excited to have my eyes be enlarged through her experience. I’m excited to see what God will do with our friendship as we will experience it in a different context and way than we have before. But the aspect of the different context really hit me the past couple of days, particularly when she was here. Because this next year, I am losing who has been my greatest companion to date. I am losing the one who has sought out my presence like no one else in my life has done before. I am losing the physical presence of one who knows me and understands me tremendously. I am losing the physical presence of my best friend.

I found myself thinking the other night about when our friendship really plummeted into the depth that it exists within today. And I realize now that the principle of loss in order to gain is prevalent. My friendship with Elise blossomed when I stopped trying to find what God was giving through her with John. It was when I finally let go and allowed God to bring what He wished in the friendship. It was finally accepting the blessing that God had placed on the table for about a year at that point. It was when I lost my own definition of what I believed should be found in particular relationships and friendships and let God define them instead. And God chose to bring us through a time of carrying each other’s burdens, teaching us about the greatest form of love in laying down one’s life for another. And God chose to bring us through a time in which we learned what it is like to walk alongside another in all aspects of life: from the joys to sorrows; the simple to complex; the everyday to monumental; preparing each of us for our next big eventual step in what it means to walk alongside a man. God has chosen to use our friendship to teach us and bring us through so many aspects and lessons of life that we have had the safety and security of learning with one another. Our friendship has been so great because God has been the driving force, the giver and sustainer, and the giver of blessings. We have experienced the depth of the love that Phileo can bring.

Yet the principle of loss in order to gain now comes into play in a reverse way. In many ways, I have to lose what I have in our friendship in order to gain something else. And it’s tremendously bittersweet. It’s part of this passage of life that I have long known has been impending, but now that it’s here upon me, it’s surreal. It’s like I feel the full immensity of loss and gain as well as being numb to it at the same time. Everything is changing. Everything is evolving in the ways that God has it set to, but being in the thick of it right now leaves me going through something profound.

I find the words I have spoken to Elise on occasion over the past couple of months to speak tremendously to me now. It’s that the changes and different situations in life bring us opportunity to know God better and in different ways than we have before. It’s an opportunity to propel deeper into the depths of who He is. It’s an opportunity to see His continued faithfulness not just in the situations familiar to us, but in unfamiliar, unwalked territory. It brings us back to every aspect of who He is. Change breaks us of the knowledge we have previously attained in other situations, propelling us into a situation in which we must wait and learn, an opportunity to come to His feet. It’s an opportunity to fully recognize and understand God to be the same yesterday, today, and forever, even in the midst of ever-evolving circumstance.

There’s so much interlaced in every moment God has me in, and the profundity of it is opening my eyes and heart to the greatness of Him. It’s such a mystery to be found in His greatness yet see His intimacy in bringing me through the things He is in order that I may know and love Him more. I can’t define “how I am.” I’m going through something profound.

And like I prayed with Elise in our goodbyes, often times what makes things hard is because they are good.

Clarity in the Ambiguous

I haven't written for a while most simply because I haven't really known what or had anything to say. That's different.

I've been in this highly ambiguous time in my life, if you will. It's not necessarily that it's ambiguous in itself (though I believe it is) but more so, that where God has me is highly ambiguous to myself. Even explaining it or trying to understand it as a whole seems to bring more ambiguity to something already ambiguous.

But God has been bringing so many elements of this ambiguous whole into clarity that allows me to see that it is all purposeful. One of those elements is that things are supposed to be ambiguous (tired of this word yet? ;-)) at least to some extent.

My faith cannot depend on the foundation of what I understand.

It cannot be about what I do.

It cannot be about the ways I find him in the ways I normally do.

My faith has to be rested on the foundation, love, and trust I have of God to be who He is when everything familiar in every way is stripped away. It has to be raw.

I think so often we take the things God places in our lives as reason to have faith, when instead, they should just be examples of the faithfulness we should already know.

That faith is that He is God, and we are not. That He has rescued us, redeemed us, loved us for who we are (sinners) and in spite of who we are not. That He never changes even in our perpetual fickleness towards him. His character alone displays all the faithfulness we should ever need to believe in Him.

Yet we have to choose to see it.

For me it's been this aspect of waiting and being still. It's highly ambiguous to me as it's contrary to who I myself am, but it's stripping me away of all the ways I do and experience things, simply because I am not doing them. It's leaving me with this raw essence of God and exposes my faith to be what it truly is. That is not always an easy thing, but it has been an incredible blessing. When I allow the foundation to be built that was always designed to be in place, it provides the structure for everything else. Nothing else wavers. Nothing else falls. Any question of faith or difficult things that is posed can stand on the foundation of who I know God to be. It's raw, exposed, just like concrete poured into a hole in the ground to make a basement or the foundation for the rest of the house.

Builders never start building anything else until that is set. Shouldn't we do the same?



I have written about waiting in many different forms this summer that sometimes it seems repetitive. God's showing me that it is thorough instead. There are many more things I could write about with all of it, but that too...

is to wait.

Down this Road

There’s no greater pain I’ve known
a wrenching of the heart and a crippling of the throat
as I lie here in wait of Your deliverance
and Your promise be all I can hold
if I were to bottle it up for all time
it would surely explode
Yet in wait I continue to find
the journey of knowing You down this road

They spat on You, tore you down
cross on Your back, made thorns Your crown
Still they jeered as the nails went into Your feet
and celebrated when Your head finally went down
the love you gave they did not receive
eyes so blinded by the world of deceit
they turned their back on what You came to give
And caused You a greater pain than they would ever know

In this road, in this pain
I come to find You in wait
Showing me the love You give
And Your life You gave
In carrying my own cross I find the weight of yours
I feel the pain You own
With what it’s like to love
and have them never know

I lay in wait of Your deliverance
Yet in the pain I bear I’ve come to know
the life You gave in the love You’ve shown
and how we fail to make that our own
We can never be justified
in rejecting the One we know
because the greatest love You’ve given
is through the promise of knowing You down this road

A Needed Message

A message much needed tonight, from The Letters of Samuel Rutherford

Madam, when you are come to the other side of the water and have set down your foot on the shore of glorious eternity, and look back again to the waters and to your wearisome journey, and shall see in that clear glass of endless glory nearer to the bottom of God’s wisdom, you shall then be forced to say, “if God had done otherwise with me than he hath done, I had never come to the enjoying of this crown of glory.” It is your part now to believe, and suffer, and hope, and wait on: for I protest in the presence of that all-discerning eye who knoweth what I write and what I think, that I would not want the sweet experience of the consolations of God for all the bitterness of affliction; nay, whether God come to his children with a rod or a crown, if he come himself with it, it is well. Welcome, welcome Jesus, whatever way soever thou shall come, if we can get a sight of thee.

Pause

Main Entry:
pause
Function:
verb
Inflected Form(s):
paused; paus·ing
Date:
15th century
intransitive verb 1 : to stop temporarily 2 : to linger for a time

Though I know words can never fully define the movements and workings of God, if I were forced to pick a word that describes what He has me doing this summer, it would be the word Pause. I find it amazing that something I have so often prayed and hoped for, yet thought was unrealistic to do so, has actually come into fruition this summer. In so many ways, my life has paused while time keeps on playing simultaneously. It is a bizarre experience.

Yet there is so much purpose in it. God has physically put me in a place where I can rest fully, in the physical and spiritual terms of the word. I have needed it tremendously. I see it clearly now as I’ve been able to look back on the lessons He has taught me in the last couple of years, this last one in particular. A steep learning curve would be an understatement. The usage of the word lessons is really an understatement as well. It implies an act in which one obtains knowledge. I don’t underestimate the value of lessons, and I know God doesn’t either. But if we were to focus purely on the lessons we learn, we would only be focusing on one aspect the way we were created to live and act-coming to know and love God through our mind. In some ways I wonder if that is why I have craved time to reflect on said lessons in the past, because through that time I was able to tangibly grasp it through the processing of my mind. God has been doing something far greater over the last year-and that is through the “lessons” He has brought, He has been bringing me to love Him fully; with every aspect of my being. We were created with so many facilities to experience Him and the life He has given us; to limit the things He brings to just one aspect seems to belittle creation.

Obviously, the greatest commandment is “to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength.” I find it interesting just now as I look it up in my bible and when the command mind comes in, it comes in the Gospels when the Pharisees asked Jesus what the greatest commandment is. He replied “to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength.” However, mind is never mentioned in the cross references to that very passage in my bible. It comes from the Lord speaking to Moses to Israel, and all that is mentioned throughout the old testament is to “love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and strength.” Mind isn’t mentioned there. I’m not going to get into a theological exposition here and now, but it does strike my curiosity greatly.

Lately I have been finding myself overwhelmed at His character in every way. For the first time in my life one day last week, I wrote a one-sentence journal entry. It read, “Dear Lord, You are overwhelmingly beautiful…” That was all I could bring myself to say, all that my words could utter though my heart was overwhelmed with His presence. That has been one of the tremendous blessings of time pausing. For once I’m not so blinded by the burdens and responsibilities of everyday life that I so often let hinder me from the presence of God. With this pause, He is teaching me what it is to find Him, and find Him fully. I’m allowing Him to take my breath away because for once I am stopped from hindering the presence of God. The responsibility is not His to bring us into His presence; He is omnipresent. The responsibility is ours to strip away or push aside what hinders or holds us back from it. So often we are childlike not in our faith, but in how we handle what has been given to us. We are desperate to make excuses, to do anything that would keep the burden of responsibility on someone or something else. We also make blessings burdens. May we never do this injustice.

Time has paused in the place of my childhood and youth. I knew very clearly that I was to be home this summer several months ago, and one of those reasons is clear. I’m in this time in my life in between childhood/youth and the beginnings of adult life beckoning. In this pause, I have been able to see clearly what has laid behind me. Being back in the same environment in which I grew up in causes me to fall into old habits and ways of doing things. The main thing is my lack of vulnerability with my parents. There was a lot of stuff that happened in my childhood with my older brother, a long story in itself. My way of handling it or my response to it was to not let anything affect me. It was to force myself to be a steady, unwavering presence in my family, learning to work through things on my own or with my closest friend(s). My parents had so much on their plate already and the house was usually in more than enough turmoil that there simply wasn’t any room for me to be anything but steady. This way of being became so ingrained in my character over my childhood and youth, and God has had to largely break it over the past couple of years in college. Praise be to Him that He has. Yet, there has been more breaking, in a lot of ways, the final breaking, to happen here. I am to break this way of being in the very place it began. It is a tangible aspect of breaking one of the bondages of childhood and moving onto adulthood. I have been praying for opportunities for this to happen this summer. It came out of the blue last night. In a conversation with my parents about a lot of things to come, God broke me and helped me to be fully vulnerable with my parents. I can’t tell you what happened in it. It blessed all of us in so many unexpected ways. Fully beautiful, fully Him. I am home this summer to bring a closure to this aspect of my life, childhood, that hasn’t had a chance to be yet. More than that, I’m home to let God redeem these things of my childhood in order that I may move forward in what He has next.

It is good…but it is strange too. A perfect example is seeing a good friend of mine from high school get married yesterday. I have known her for seven years, since freshman year of high school. We wrote notes incessantly that first year we knew each other, and I read through the ones I have before her wedding. I found myself amazed at how much has changed since then. In reading those notes, it was like going back into time and fully understanding what life was like then for the first time. It made me appreciate all the more where we stand today, especially seeing her yesterday ready in every way to be married, to be a wife. God has shaped her in beautiful ways, many of which were unexpected to me. I am blessed to call her my friend, and I love that in many ways, we grew up together. Yet it is strange that I am at this age in my life where these things are happening, where people I know right around my age are getting engaged, married, even some having babies. In so many ways, that is the epitome of adult life to me. It encompasses all the challenges and blessings of that time. It has been so weird to have my life in pause while time has been playing around me. I see these people I have known since my youth entering full-fledged adulthood, ready to take on full responsibility, but more than that, ultimately, the fullest form of love shown on this earth, and that is to become one flesh with another. That is to enter a covenant of laying down your rights, entitlements, desires, wants, etc., for the better of another person. It is the ultimate form of love, and I find myself in this amazed wonder at how God has chosen this very love to show a picture of the love He has for us. It is so utterly profound. It is a mystery that we learn and walk in for the rest of our lives on this earth. It is no coincidence or mistake that God has designed this covenant between man and woman to be one of forever, through trials, blessings, pain, joy, all the things that life can bring-because that is the covenant we have with Him.

In this pause I am finding a contentment and joy that is contradictory. It is found equally in the past, present, and future. I see the foundation of the past, the joy of the present, and the promise of the future. It is all perfectly intertwined together, meant to be experienced as a unit rather than separate entities. It all perfectly bears the work and mark of our dear Creator, loving Father, precious Lord. It is strange, and it is foreign, because it is not of this world. But it’s where I’m supposed to be, and I rejoice in that. This overflow of my heart in this pause leaves me in no place to doubt, but to fully love, and that is the greatest commandment-to love. “To LOVE the Lord Your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.” We love Him in many different ways and should love Him in all ways, but we must remember our acts of doing are for the purpose to love…and that is the greatest of all.