Lessons from Yosemite Part 2: The End of Self

After having a couple of days to think about the hike I took last week, I'm able to see it from a fresh perspective. Praise God that He opens my eyes because I wasn't.

Going into Friday's hike I was utterly exhausted in every way: physically, mentally, and emotionally. I was not prepared for the hike by any means. I was thinking about the valley metaphor, and how in the valley there are many different trails to choose from; yet there are some we are predestined to take. God strongly leads us there, and does so for our own benefit. That's how this trail and hike was for me. I didn't choose it, but I was supposed to be there for the things God would teach me in that time.

The day was very hot and we didn't have enough water. We were all sweating profusely as our bodies tried to cool themselves down. I felt sick at the beginning and my muscles didn't take long to get tired. All of these things seemed to point to this hike not being a good idea for me personally, and yeah, my attitude reflected it too. I didn't want to be there, and I didn't want to be doing that hike. I wanted to sit in a meadow with flowers and take pretty pictures and admire this face of granite we were climbing to the top of from afar. I wanted a day of rest. I got exactly the opposite of that. As we were climbing to the top, I was talking with God telling Him, "this isn't what I bargained for." He reminded me of this quote I read from Jim Eliot a couple of weeks ago: "the will of God is more than we bargain for, but we can trust that it is always good and always perfect." How true that is. I decided to at least try to push myself, and most of all, not ruin the day for the other people with me.

We stopped for lunch and Elise and I were content to stop at that point and not climb higher. We had our fill. For a little bit, we all agreed until John wanted to go to the top. Slowly, we all agreed to go with him. About 3/4s of the way up, John shot off to the top and Kyle and Elise and I died. We were out of water and cramping up. We went back and forth between going all the way to the top or waiting for John to come back down. God provided us with water refills with the people coming down and we decided to go to the top, and finally made it.

I was exhausted upon reaching the top. I spent seemingly all of my energy just to get up there and then I knew we still had four miles downhill to get back to the car. We were just halfway done. I was dehydrated as my muscles cramped up and the thought of actually jumping off the top was rational to me. I was not fully there. I tried to drink in the spectacular sights of the valley but the thoughts of how exhausted I was kept filling my mind. I was trying to mentally prepare myself for getting down because I knew it would not be an easy task.

After about a half an hour at the top, we began to venture down. It was slippery with the dirt on all of the granite and every step needed to be taken cautiously. My knee had stiffen up while at the top and wasn't wanting to cooperate with coming down. We stopped a few times and my legs were shaking. I just wanted to get down at this point so the hike would be over. We stopped at the stream we saw on the way up and decided that we didn't have much to lose in filling up our water bottles and drinking it. God provided with that immensely.

As we got to the bottom half of the hike, it got a little easier as the end was somewhat in sight. The trail wasn't as difficult, and we were walking alongside one another which helped greatly. We finally got to the bottom and walked in the valley back to our car. Looking up at what we had climbed to the top of brought me both awe and hatred at the time. It was really cool that we all got up there together and got to share in that, but at the same time, I was hating myself for agreeing to do it. I knew I wasn't up for it. It was more than I bargained for.

Since walking on that valley floor, we went back to Kyle's house and then back to SLO and I then flew home to CO. Since, I have been flooded with memories and lessons of that hike that I couldn't obtain at the time. The sore muscles and joints reminded me of what my body went through at that time. The water I drink reminds me of the dehydration and how it was the source of life, the living water. The pictures remind me of the sweet fellowship I had on the hike, both in my sister walking alongside me and my brothers leading and pushing me. And over and over again, God uses this hike as a metaphor for so many of the things I have been learning over the past couple of months...

I had to come to the end of myself. This hike forced that. Of course, I did it very begrudgingly and let my flesh overtake me and fight against the surrender. But there was a point of sheer exhaustion of fighting for my limits to be held and God breaking them down that broke me. I could fight no longer.

People have commented to me before that I know myself well. My bible study leader last summer admired that as I was able to have limits for myself, such as knowing when the time for fellowship and when the time for quiet was. This is not a bad thing. However, it's not a good thing either, because sometimes I know and hold onto these limits so tightly that I don't allow God to stretch those, to make me stronger.

This summer...?

So many of my limits have been stretched. God has been refining me and moreso, training me for what is to come. How can the fullness of God be reached when there is any part of me in the equation? God has surely been answering the prayer I prayed a while back that there would be nothing of me and everything of Him. Not an easy end to come to.

Yet, what happens when the end of self is reached? I have been finding that there's something so beautiful in the surrender. God never tires of waiting for us, and that's something I have a hard time comprehending. If I were Him watching myself in this long process eventually ending in surrender, I think I'd tell myself something such as, "it's about TIME!" Thankfully God is in no part flesh like me!

I can't begin to tell of how refreshing coming to the end of myself is. God's able to move in ways I didn't allow Him to before. What He's done in this short time is incredible, and I'm able to see Him in it all. Him, whose plans are so much bigger than my own, whose strength is so much stronger than mine, whose love is so much fuller than mine...How beautiful it is to not find self but to find God in His fullness!

And everyday, I must take up the Cross and not myself. Everyday must continue to be a surrender fully to God and a casting aside of self. What better motivation do I have than tasting and seeing of the One who is infintely good?

Yeah. It's worth it.

Sovereign Lord

Beaten, broken, beyond my control
Cast aside this pursuit of self that has rotted me for long
Surrender one by one, knees then hands then face to the ground
The taste of the dirt shows that the end of self has come
What better can I find than Your hands around my life
Holding everything I’ve dropped or ceased to let go before
How beautiful is being found in You, my Sovereign Lord

Can I say the flittering of my heart is like the leaves in the wind
Moved by the Spirit’s breath and rooted to the source
The night is past and the morn has rose
Your flood of light penetrates me so
How can I keep this heart of mine from singing
Revelation come to bring you praise
Sovereign Lord, I fully find You in this place

It is You to whom I wake
It is You upon whom I wait
It is Your cross of which I take
It is Your life that I embrace
It is fully You, Sovereign Lord, in this place

Lessons from Yosemite Part 1:The Valley

There's many things that God did in my trip to Yosemite that speak clearly to many things He's been teaching me as of late. I am going to touch on them at different times; therefore, this is part one.

The voice of God speaks in so many ways...as I write I am sitting up in the mountains back home in COlistening to a stream crash down over rocks and flow. The voice of God telling me to quiet down and prepare my heart...there is much to process and pray about, which will come soon.

Yet the past couple of days I can't get out what my best friend Elise was telling me while we were up at Yosemite this weekend...

She and I along with John and Kyle went to Yosemite Friday and did a hike. I learned many things from it, but I wish to focus on this right now. Our hike was beautiful and brutal at the same time. Going into the day, I was exhausted in many different ways. The hike we ended up doing was a ~2700 ft elevation gain in 3.5 miles. I was not prepared for this in any way...physically, mentally, and emotionally. We started out looking for the trail for a while and then when we found it, began to trek up it. Switchback after switchback came and we continued to climb. The heat of the day came and it scorched us every time we were in the sun, and seemed to rub in my face that I was utterly weak. Elise and I were content to stop halfway where we had lunch, but John wanted to go to the top so we all ventured up with him. Many times I was hating myself for not saying no. We got to the top after a long while and took in the views of the valley below and the mountains parallel with our eyes. And then it was time to head back down. Pretty much all of my strength and willpower was used to get to the top. I was drained, and the prospect of heading down was daunting, especially with my knees that can't take a whole lot anymore. Through the strength of God and the encouragement of those around me, I was able to make it down without hurting myself. We walked along the valley floor looking up at what we accomplished. In hindsight, I am able to appreciate it much more than I did that day, thanks be to God. He revealed and did so much in that time...

Later on that night I was talking with Elise about what we learned that day. God poured forth wisdom through her as I saw a truth for the first time. She spoke of principles and metaphors we have heard before, but saw it in a new light.

In our realization that our spiritual lives are a constant of climbing and descending, trekking and resting, she spoke of how when we are on mountaintops, the sights are beautiful and we are on a high. We are able to see things from the perspective of God and attempt to drink in His splendor. But if we are to stay on the mountaintop for long, we will surely die from the elements. Our bodies are not able to withstand such things; we can only do so temporarily. God allows us to trek up to these mountains for what He can show us and do in those times, but we so often neglect the valley. We so often think that when we are in the valley, we are not where we are supposed be, or that we should be on the mountaintop, at least higher. But without the valley, we never understand or comprehend what the heights truly are. A mountaintop would be nothing without the valley below. There is purpose in both. As she and I walked back to the car and talked, we looked up at the summit we reached, realizing how high we had truly gone. Without the valley, we never would've been able to comprehend it as such.

The valley shows us both what we have done and where we have been, along with what we are to prepare for and where we are to go. God is with us to the heights of heights and the depths of seas and in the flatness of the valleys. We can't always climb and we can't always descend, and we can't stay on the mountaintop forever. Yet we can always walk through the valley knowing full well our God is with us...and that the valley is crucial to us. It is through those times we are able to be restored and refreshed and prepare for what is to come next. We can find God just as near to us in the valleys as on the mountaintops, even though the perspective is different. We can't neglect the importance of the valley...

In a lot of different ways I am in a valley of sorts. I'm looking around and all that I've been climbing and descending, able to comprehend and see where it is I've been. I've been climbing and descending for a while, and my body and soul needs its rest...to find rest in God alone, for He is my strength and refuge. Walking in the valley for this time will draw me ever nearer to Him...and I'm not going to neglect the importance of this valley in this time.

The Need of Lack to Understand Gain?

"But now I am going away to the one who has sent me...there is so much more I want to tell you, but you can't bear it now. When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not be presenting his own ideas; he will be telling you what he has heard. He will tell you about the future. He will bring me glory by revealing to you whatever he receives from me. All that the Father has is mine; this is what I mean when I say that the Spirit will reveal to you whatever he receives from me. In just a little while I will be gone, and you won't see me anymore...Truly you will weep and mourn over what is going to happen to me, but the world will rejoice. You will grieve, but your grief will suddenly turn to wonderful joy when you see me again. It will be like a woman experiencing the pains of labor. When her child is born, her anguish gives place to joy because she has brought a new person into the world. You have sorrow now, but I will see you again; then you will rejoice, and no one can rob you of that joy. At that time, you won't need to ask me for anything. The truth is, you can go directly to the Father and ask him, and he will grant your request because you use my name. Ask, using my name, and you will receive, and you will have abundant joy..." John 16: 5, 12-16, 20-24

I encourage all to read this entire chapter, as it fills in the gaps I didn't include here. I'm struck by many different things in this passage...

The disciples didn't seem to fully realize what they had in Jesus until He told them he was going to leave. I find myself thinking about how we are as humans and how we are exactly the same as the disciples today. We don't realize the fullness of something or someone until we have a lack of him/her/it or it is gone. Our eyes and hearts are blinded when we have things or people in our midst in the search for what is better. We forget so much to look at what we have in the present in our search for something better.

I find it interesting that over and over again, Jesus had to tell his disciples he was leaving but in that, reassure them that He was coming back and it would be better. They wanted the comfort and security of Jesus around. Jesus knew it was far better for them if He left them because they would learn to grow and receive the Holy Spirit. Jesus leaving opened up the path between mankind and the Father; without His leaving and fulfilling His mission, this would not be true.

Since reading this passage, I've been asking the question of why does one have to leave in order for those who know that person to realize what they have in him/her? Why do we have to have such lacks in order to know what we have? I wish we could open our eyes in the moments we live and experience and fully embrace what they possess...that in each moment, instead of looking for something different and better, realizing what we have and pursuing the development of that. We fail utterly at that, and it must go back to the root of mankind. The disciples struggled with it just as we do.

I look at how the disciples had to lose Jesus in order to find Him again and find Him more abundantly so, and I think perhaps this is His remedy for our flesh, His divine intervention in showing us what we truly have. We have to weep and mourn at what we have personally lost in order to gain something greater. Through the grace of Jesus, that weeping turns to joy...

We also have the power of Jesus on our side, His redemption that opened the path from us to the Father. I find myself thinking about what do I truly ask for from the Father in the name of Jesus. I realize that with some things for some reason, I have not prayed for them in specifics. Perhaps I felt it "taboo" or something to pray for these things specifically, but I must possess the confidence in my Father in Heaven that He hears whatever it is I ask for, and that I can ask for anything in His name. Anything less than that would not be exercising the gift of my salvation and His saving grace. So often I do not have because I do not ask. We are able to approach the throne in confidence that He hears us...I need to remember that not just in the things that are easier to ask for, but in all things.

So with that tonight, I find myself asking that we as believers would open our eyes to what we have in our lives at the present time. Let us be thankful for them. Let us not be satisified with mediocricy or stagnation in them, but always pursue them to make them better. Jesus is on our side. Let us go to Him, and go to the Father through Him, never hesistating to ask.

In Wonder

So much wonder
carved in your coral seas
shaded by ancient trees
I consider all that your hands have made
Every newborn's eyes, every new sunrise
No power can tame your presence
No light can match your radiance

Let all creation sing in wonder
Every sea, every creature, every star
You opened my eyes to wonder
What a vision, what a wonder you are

Such a wonder
Ordering time and tide
Such a wonder
Bridging the great divide
I consider all that you had, all that you gave
And all that You endured
From this rebel world
What a wondrous cross you chose to bear
What a wonder you would even care

Chorus

Let every rock cry out
Let every knee bow down
You opened my heart to wonder
What love, what a wonder You are

No power can tame your presence
No light can match your radiance
Such a wonder...
Such a wonder...

Newsboys: "In Wonder" 2006.

The Way of the Cross

"The will of God is always a bigger thing than we bargain for, but we must believe that whatever it involves, it is good, acceptable, and perfect." -Jim Elliot

"So many purposes come into existence when one works the will of God, that there is no excuse for laziness or wasted time. He is redeeming our lives, as well as our souls." -Jim Elliot

I've been reading The Shadow of the Almighty for some time now, and every time I read it, God speaks clearly through it, either bringing something new or confirming something else. What wisdom Jim Elliot possessed, and what an intimacy with the Lord he bore.

I've been incredibly humbled over the last two days or so. I look at my God and myself and I see how holy, just, and loving He is, and what filth I am. In some ways, I've felt like a dog with his tail in between his legs, looking up at His master waiting for the sign of love and forgiveness only He can give. The thing is, I know He's given it...however, it's been hard for me to receive it. I look at myself and see how unworthy I am and I ask God, "why? Why do you choose me? Why do you love me in this way?"

His will is so much bigger than I bargained for, as Jim Elliot says, but I know that it is good. There are so many times when I fail and fall short. I keep coming back to the fact that humility is making nothing of yourself and everything of God...and I praise God for that fact. I praise Him that through these past couple of days, He may be magnified...that I may see His sovereignty in every way.

It's not about me. It never was and never is and never will be. All the filth of me has been paid by the way of the Cross. All of my weaknesses are made perfect in His strength, given by the way of the Cross. And in all my shortcomings, His grace is magnified in the light of the Cross.

He is faithful in every way I am not. He redeems and restores things that I have dropped the responsibility of carrying. He picks up my cross for me where I have laid it down and tells me to follow Him. His path is steady though uncertain. He asks for my devotion. He asks for my love. And He asks for my belief in Him in every way-that He has redeemed me, forgiven me, and will lead me onwards, pursuing eternity and His Kingdom come from this day forward.

I get overwhelmed by His presence in my life, because He's not just some person far off in the distance to whom I can never get closer. He's the One in whose arms I rest and fall, whose voice I hear, whose love I feel, and whose strength allows me to stand and walk again. My God is not impersonal in one bit-He is altogether intimate! There is no place I can go from His presence; He is always with me.

And there are so many purposes in living in the will of God, purposes that I cannot accomplish on my own and that I know have a tremendous impact...and surely, my flesh will fail me in doing so. May I always choose to go to my God for strength, wisdom and clarity. May I always believe and walk on the way He's prepared.

It is by the way of the Cross I find myself again tonight, humbled, needing to receive what I have not earned. The way of the Cross has paid my ransom...and I must take it as such.

The Eve of Seven Years

I've kept rather quiet as of late, I know. But I would rather not be hasty with my mouth and instead let my words be few before my Lord, and also to let my words be few with others. There's such a beauty in choosing one's words carefully; in other words, being silent until/if God prompts one to speak.

And besides, God has spoken..."I am the LORD," he says, "and there is no other. I publicly proclaim bold promises. I do not whisper obscurities in some dark corner so no one can understand what I mean. And I did not tell the people of Israel to ask me for something I did not plan to give. I, the LORD, speak only what is true and right" Isaiah 45:18-19.

I remain in such perfect peace with this promise of my God. I know He will never leave nor forsake me nor disappoint me. How great is the hope of those who wait on the Lord. He surely renews their strength.

I see so many things before my very eyes as well as promises of what is to come. With those promises, I already see things being manifested. Or perhaps hear things being manifested is a better way to describe it! And oh, I feel them too.!

There are so many times when I'm completely taken aback by my God and His power and love. There is none like it. No one nor nothing will ever compare. I know He is faithful and will remain so. I know that all the work He is doing and will do will be fulfilled. I see it in the hearts of so many around me as well as in my own. Oh how my Lord desires to make Himself known!

As for tonight, it is the eve of my seventh spiritual birthday. Tomorrow I will be seven years old in the Lord. That age comes with so much significance, I know, but I haven't been able to pinpoint it down yet. What I do know is that the time periods of seven days, seven weeks, and seven years appears more than any other quantitative time period in the Bible. The stories, references, and commands including such are countless. And you know, I rejoice in the fact that I don't completely know what the exact significance is of the seventh year just yet. That's good, because it leaves me in anticipation for what my God is going to do! I know His time is not for any of us to know, but I know this seventh year will be significant...much so.

It's been seven years of walking with Him in a life restored in unimaginable ways. It has been seven years of being able to praise my Creator and Savior...and I have eternity left to sing His praise!

It seems it’s the end of a time for a new to come

A slumber in the night to awake in the morn

Only to find that all has been restored

In what would be seven years, no less, no more

Seven years of redemption in the Lord