Flies of the Mind

“Strange place, this soul of mine…and I think, it is more place than person. It rings with whatever enters, be it high thoughts of the seated Christ or idle rhymes from any poet. The soul does not seem to mind what it is occupied with, but only cares that it be kept occupied. It is passive as to choice. I choose, my soul responds, with ringing laughter, emotional incitement, or pure worship. It is a tool, not a craftsman, and must be controlled. It is as amoral as a bed, yet beds can become instruments of illegitimate activity. Son of God, purger of the inner parts, discerner of my sittings down, my risings, wilt Though Hallow this soul of mine? The choice is mine, You say? Ah, yes, the choice is mine.” -Jim Elliot, April 14, 1948

This was the last passage I read before going to sleep last night, and it resounded deeply within me. In a week of moving into a new apartment, there have been all kinds of things peppering about my head and therefore my heart too; many of them practical but worldly things. I have noticed my mind swirling with these thoughts and have been fighting rather unsuccessfully to get them back to an eternal perspective.

This week exemplifies a key character trait I have, and that is that I can be very task oriented and efficient. I am of the mind that I like to have things completed so I can be done move onto something else. However, that is growing more and more impractical the older I get. Once something gets done, it’s as if three more things take its place. There will always be things to do and things to think about. The real discipline lies in being able to train the mind to be efficient and to think in an eternal perspective constantly. There are certain “obligations” and “responsibilities” of this world, but I need not be governed by them-only by Christ alone. As He is my source, He will give me the means to complete what lies before me, but only by His means and His time. I need look to Him.

As we are having the annual beginning of September heat wave this week, I decided to go to the beach this morning to get away from “responsibilities” and focus before the Lord. It was a beautiful day at the beach-perfect tanning weather while reading. However, after about 5 minutes of being there, I forgot what I always seem to forget: when the beach is hot, the flies are out in massive numbers, and they just love to land on people, at least me apparently. As I was trying to relax and focus, I was immensely distracted by every tactile sensation by every fly landing and going in various places all over my body. It started really frustrating me. But then, I decided to pray and see what the Lord might have to teach me in it.

It seems my thoughts have resembled these flies lately: abounding in number, little in substance, and uncommitted ponderings. This is what I have subjected myself to lately. I’ve gone away with the flies in my thinking. What I needed to learn to do today was to be so focused in just one thing-reading and journaling, that the flies wouldn’t even phase me.

As I was journaling some of these thoughts, a man and woman walked by and the woman picked up something by my chair and gave it to me. It was a whole sand dollar. I was struck by it because I have never found a whole sand dollar on the SLO coast before. It seems they always break. As the picture above shows, this sand dollar is beautiful; whole and durable. It is unlike any other fragments I’ve ever found, but in reality, the fragments cannot be compared to a whole. This sand dollar made such an impression upon me because of its wholeness and its purity. It hadn’t been broken down and scattered about. It provided a beautiful picture to me as to what my mind should look like. My mind needs to be whole and not fragmented. It needs to be rare, a treasure that is ruled and governed by the Lord so that people who come into contact with it see the Lord fully in it. It needs to be the Lord’s tool, not my own.

My mind has such potential to be used for great things-but there is a discipline on my part to allow it to be so. I need not fill it up with things that hardly matter, and I need to be discerning in what I allow to reside within. As Jim Elliot says, “the choice is mine.”

There is such a necessity to learn this here and now as I grow up more. Life will continue to be and get busier with more and more possible thoughts and obligations. It is now that it must be refined to a tool that can serve a good purpose. My first practical step was buying a little moleskin like notebook today. My hope is that when I do have thoughts, particularly of things to remember, I will have the notebook with me and write them down as soon as I can. Then, once they are on paper, I can purge them from my thoughts until I need it again. I try to remember too much in my head. I want to think about other things. I’m weary of thinking about things that will eventually fade, and fade sooner rather than later. I want to spend my days thinking and concerning myself chiefly with my sole delight, my Dear Lord, from which all good things flow. What I fill myself up with will overflow, and it is my desire that I not be known by my tasks or what I do, but by a life surrendered and governed by the Lord Himself.

Your Love is More than Enough

Nothing can be something
and something everything with You
for You take this heart of mine
and possessions so few
Multiply it with Your love
and cleanse it all the way through
Would You take these hands of mine
and glorify You fully true

Your love is a song where I want to sing along
dance to the beat and move my feet to Your melody
Your love causes me to sit in peace at Your speech
awed to be still and desire the will of my King
Your love cannot stay in only one way
everywhere I bound it heavenly surrounds and fills me

Lord, Your love is better than life
this I know, yes I do
Honey on my tongue
sweetness to speak back to You
Where my heart once ran dry
Living waters have come through
I awake in the morning
to be refreshed by Your morning dew

Your love is a song where I want to sing along
dance to the beat and move my feet to Your melody
Your love causes me to sit in peace at Your speech
awed to be still and desire the will of my King
Your love cannot stay in only one way
everywhere I bound it heavenly surrounds and fills me

Your love...
Your love...
my dear Jesus.
You are more than enough.

Releasing Grasp

“Father, let me be weak that I might lose my clutch on everything temporal. My life, my reputation, my possessions. Lord, let me loose the tension of a grasping hand. Even, Father, would I lose the love of fondling—how oft I have released grasp only to retain what I prized by ‘harmless longing,’ the fondling touch. Rather, open my hand to receive the nail of Calvary—as Christ’s was opened—that I, releasing all, might be released, unleashed from all that binds me here. He thought heaven—yea, equality with God—not a thing to be clutched at…so let me release my grasp.” –Jim Elliot, July 11, 1948.

In the late night of my last day in Colorado Springs before heading back to SLO, I find myself caught up in the midst of change…yet again. In looking over recent times, it is interesting to note how there has always been change in some way or measure. It may not have been in every area of my life (most often not), but it is there in some way or another. One example of this would be that I have moved so ridiculously much in the last four years:

September 2005: Colorado Springs to SLO-Sequoia Dorms.
June 2006: SLO to Santa Monica, CA
September 2006: Basically Santa Monica to SLO-Cerro Vista, with a 2 week hiatus in Hollywood and a 3 week hiatus in Colorado Springs
June 2007: SLO-Cerro Vista to 1st house
June 2008: 1st house to Colorado Springs
September 2008: Colorado Springs to SLO-2nd house
June 2009: 2nd house to Colorado Springs
August 2009: Colorado Springs to 2nd house temporarily before 1st apartment

I give this example because it’s the most concrete out of all of the other changes. This comes from a girl who lived in the same five-mile radius in Colorado Springs her entire life, in 2 houses she remembers. And now…it’s a whole new story.

I didn’t use to like change very much. That is because it shatters any possession or perception of control. Yet, my college years have been full of change, and a LOT of it. Little by little, situation by situation, trait by trait, God’s been teaching me over the years to relinquish my control, and where I would put my trust in myself, to place it in Him instead.

It is funny to me now how easily people can fight for control in areas where they really have none. I can see this of myself too. There have been times this summer where I try to take control in areas where I shouldn’t, but I have been thankful to see progress on the long road of sanctification in this. God has been thorough in it, that’s for sure.

So, what are my thoughts as I head back to SLO once again, and to move yet again? They echo what Jim states in the passage above. It is so easy to cling to what is temporal, but in this change I need something, Someone more than that. Someone who is the same yesterday, today, and forever in the midst of a constantly changing reality. My life is temporal. Oh Lord, that I might cling to Thee and thee alone. And in this change, let me grow in not fondling-in not still remaining connected to things through a touch. There is no good in indulgence when things must be abstained from completely. Lord, that my heart and focus may be on You and You alone, experiencing the blessing that only comes from relationship with You.

They say the heart is the wellspring of life, and from a spring waters overflow. I pray that I be filled with Thee in order that You and all that is good and worthy of praise be manifested through me. As Jim also says, “out of a heart that is full of either sweet water or bitter springs, the fountain at my tongue and who or what I really am is at my heart. Clear out the source and fill it with Thy love that my speech may be sound and uncondemned—today!” –February 21, 1948

My life is not my own, and I must lay no claim to it. All that is good within it must spring forth a response of praise on my part to the Giver of it all. And all that is hard or difficult must also spring forth a response of praise and a choice for joy because in it, I know that through it, I may become closer to Him. Through the pain and difficulty, I may understand what it means to count all as loss for the sake of knowing Him-even all ideal circumstances in this temporal life on earth. If I am called to eternity, then my life be best to start living through His eternal perspective today…in the midst of change yet again that releases my grasp.

Would You?

There seems to be the promise of it one day changing
And one day changing sometime soon
You see, it’s been a long road getting to here
holding onto hope that things will be fulfilled
Lord, You tell me to hold on, wait and believe
Disregard what everyone else seems to see

Do You really think I am that strong?
Do You really think I can last that long?
Is there really something beyond what I can see?
I’m walking blind, trying to trust Your sight
and not be alone with these tears tonight
Would You be merciful to me?

There seems to be a cry for freedom within me
and within me in great need
You see, it’s been a long road getting to here
waiting for the things I desire to receive
Lord, You tell me to hold on, wait and believe
Downplay what I want to go and seek

Why do You think I am that strong?
Why do you ask me to last so long?
Is there something vain in what I seek?
I’m walking alone, trying to let You be known
and not doubt Your grace that has been shown
Would You be tender to me?

There seems to be an impulse to shut down
Shut down what brings me here again
You see, it’s been a long road getting to here
being vulnerable and transparent under my skin
Lord, You tell me to hold on, wait and believe
Desire to see the better things

Would You not ask me to be so strong?
Would You not ask me to last so long?
Is that something You could grant to me?
I’m walking weary, needing You to be near
and release me from unending heartache I fear
Would You be gracious to me?

Nine

Today is my ninth birthday in the Lord. God was good to remind me of the day last night, as last year it passed me by rather quickly with me not remembering. I don’t have a lot of profound thoughts tonight, but I did want to write…

I spent the last two days with my mom up in the mountains. It was a mini-vacation for us. Over the last couple of weeks particularly, I’ve been thinking about the relationship I have with my parents and how ridiculously blessed I am by them. They may not understand who I am perfectly, but they understand me pretty darn well for parents. I’ve been thinking as to why that is. I think part of it is attributed to how intentional and well my family communicates. It’s part of the reason I talk and process a lot! But with that, they also listen incredibly well. Even if they do not understand, they make the effort to try to understand where I am coming from and why.

It is incredible the impact that our relationships with our parents have on us. I won’t go into all the different ways why here. On my end, though the Lord was so gracious to pursue me to bring me to be the first in my family that came to know Him, the Lord was also gracious in providing me with the parents He has. In part, I believe that my relationship with the Lord is what it is because of the parental influence I've had. Even in the midst of so many times of brokenness in our family, love, grace, and forgiveness have always prevailed. They modeled so many facets of my Heavenly Father and Savior without fully knowing Him--I still don’t understand it. God’s grace in them has been tremendous.

I realize I am in the minority. I don’t think there’s a lot of people out there that have what they would call great and fulfilling relationships with their parents. Yet, over the years, my parents have remained steadfast in so many of the things they did well in my childhood-supporting me, believing in me, caring for me, being a constant presence, etc. And more so, they’ve grown into some of my greatest friends. I am deeply humbled and thankful for them.

In my high school years particularly, I was incredibly blessed with a “second family,” Christine’s family. Her parents really became my spiritual parents in rearing me up in the Lord. I developed a very close relationship with her mom during that time because she is so full of God’s wisdom, grace, and humility. She was able to be there in a way my parents weren’t able to at the time. There was a lot going on with my brother that my parents were more occupied with. God provided for my greatest need at the time with her. I know that relationship with her was hard for my mom at times, because while she was thankful for that relationship, she wondered why I couldn’t have that same relationship with her.

Three years ago, my mom came to know the Lord. It was a huge answer to prayer and praise. Over that time, I’ve been cautious in how I pursue the spiritual relationship with her because I want her to be fully in love with Jesus first and foremost. I didn’t want her to seek a relationship with the Lord in an attempt to gain a closer relationship with me. I want her to be able to stand upon Him now and forever because I am not a constant. There has been a lot of prayer over the last three years. In ways where I’ve wanted to pursue, or thought I should pursue, God’s held me back. That was hard sometimes.

But over the past two days, I realize there is a shift that has happened…a beautiful, subtle, but profound one. I found my mom and I conversing so freely about so many things, and I saw and felt the connection and mutual understanding in her fellowship. The same spirit that has dwelled in me the last nine years dwells in her now too, and the Holy Spirit forms bonds that cannot be broken. What a blessing fellowship in the Lord is. What a blessing to have a dear God who pursues the hearts of men and changes them from the inside out. And what a blessing it is to receive this blessing as no result of myself. I am deeply humbled and grateful for His work and answered prayers in my mom and her life. What a gift on the day of the ninth year.