Confession: Delayed Obedience

On this blog, I sometimes feel led to post my direct communication with the Lord, rather than the typical blog entry types of mine. Tonight is one of those nights. I desire to be honest and confess my shortcomings.

My Dear Lord,

I am overwhelmingly convicted, heavy, and downcast.

There has been so much delayed obedience on my part, which is disobedience. And I feel and see the repercussions of it now. Things that I have been waiting so long to do, people to contact, things to start…I’ve been waiting until “later.”

And now, I feel as if something is going to happen…whether that’s me falling face down before you, confessing my sin, or also something else I do not yet know of. I feel this overwhelming sense of grief.

Lord, I confess my sin before You…in that I choose to do what I want to do or think is best in the moment, and I have been dictating our relationship so much. I seek to listen, but on my own terms. I seek to do, but on my own time. Lord, I am not Your master—You are mine.

I confess the grieving of Your Holy Spirit, particularly in drawing from it to minister to others without allowing You to minister to me through it first.

I confess the things that I have not done, though you have laid them on my heart for a long time. This, sending of my songs to someone. This, a discipline of writing to allow You to do with it what You will. This, a willingness to serve others while denying myself. This, a willingness to see this place around me with open eyes and open heart, ready and willing to engage in relationship, rather than of selfish preservation of self.

Lord, why do I guard myself? Why do I hold my best interests of myself in my heart and mind? Why do I think they are aligned with Yours, when I’m not even aligning myself to You?

Lately, there has been relationship with You. There have also been sweet times of communion and prayer. But, it has been self-serving and self-needing, rather than an act of worship to You.

I am so thankful for the words of others, of fellow saint-sinners. In recent written words of theirs, they said things mulling within myself that I have not been able to fully articulate or understand. Some of those include:

• Our chief end should be to do what You command.
• We should always see with open eyes, ready to do
• The body of Christ must not be neglected.
• There is a need to remember our sinful state, confess it before You, and receive Your grace and forgiveness, not abusing it or taking it for granted.
• We should always prepare for loss in order that it may be found fully.

There is an enemy to my heart and soul, and in this world. Satan has power, and it is apparent. The suicide of a 16-year old girl. Sin abounding in others. Depressive thoughts and reigning selfishness.

Yet Lord, we are Yours, and in all things, we can trust that You allow for Your purposes.

In this sinful state I am in, I am overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed at how far I am from where I should be, face on the ground before You, and then You ask me to arise, to know that I am forgiven and healed, and then set forth in this world to be one of Your followers, one of Your ministers of grace…

And it couldn’t have been more starkly apparent than when I saw the homeless man that I see almost every day on my way to work today. I saw him from afar—he hadn’t been there this week—and I grabbed a dollar from my wallet before I approached him. There he was on the corner, standing with his hunched back, his glassy eyes turning and watching and pleading to all who walked by. If I were to speak in human terms, he is one of the more intimidating homeless people to encounter. You can tell that things have happened to him that are probably very difficult to mention.

The crowd dispersed from the corners as I approached, and his head resigned and he went back to not looking. When I got there, he wasn’t looking at me and his back was turned. I touched him on the shoulder gently to get his attention, so I could hand him a meager dollar. He spun around and I addressed him. I told him good morning, like I try to do every time I see him, and gave him the dollar in my hand while my other remained on his shoulder. I told him I hoped he could use this to get something to eat or drink. His face was covered with sores and crumbs of some kind today. But, the look in his eyes as he felt my touch was overwhelming…eyes that normally appear completely glassed over to the world, showed emotion and feeling. They showed a bewildering thankfulness that I had touched him, that I had seen him, that I had recognized his need, and moreso, recognized him as a fellow person.

It was such a small act but had such an overwhelming sense of healing. I realized…he has probably not been touched for a very long time.

And this, this one act of obedience, this that I have needed to do again for a while, has completely upended me.

It is things like this that show me what it is to be a light in this world, particularly in this city, and it overwhelms me.

I am overwhelmed by my delayed obedience, my disobedience, and how sinful I am. Yet, I am also overwhelmed at the prospect of being Your servant and what that looks like and means here.

I know I will be changed. And I know, deep down, that I want that. But, I fear. I am scared at what it looks like. And I know You are worthy of my trust, and that I want Your will for my life. I’m just balking at the cost.

All of me, is required for surrender, my dear Lord. All of me. Show me what that looks like in a world of responsibilities, and a world of needs. Show me again what it is to abide in You and bear much fruit, fruit that will bless and serve others without completely draining myself as I sinfully attempt to operate out of self-sufficiency.

I need You so, my Lord. I know this. May I act upon it and receive.

Thank You for receiving a wretched sinner like me.

Truly, truly

I walk these city streets, seeking
The ways I can find You here, being
called to know and grow and go
forth today, tomorrow, and into eternity
These eyes of mine, You grant them seeing
and time and time again, I’m overwhelmed with feeling

My heart is so full it could explode
not from a lovely high but instead a heavy load
And I wonder how, here and now
with so much and little I seem to know
that You would send me forth to go
with a message of healing

For I see him there, hungry on the corner
Body and soul in need of feeding
For I see him there, thirsty under the tree
Voice and mind in need of replenishing
For I see him there, clothes barely existing
Dignity and pride in need of restoring
For I see him there, no one beside him
Hope and love in need of receiving
And I see him there, prisoned in his circumstances
A seeking need of freedom, desperately hoping to be granted

Truly, truly, am I seeing?
And truly, truly, am I willing?

I ponder these avenues of heart, seeking
The ways I can find You here, being
called to know and grow and go
forth today, tomorrow, and into eternity
These eyes of mine, You grant them seeing
and time and time again, I’m overwhelmed with feeling

My eyes are so full they could explode
not from a lovely sight but instead a heavy load
And I wonder how, here and now
with how much and little I seem to see
that You would send me forth to be
a messenger of healing

For I see You there, hungry in the corner
Your body and soul given to be a feeding
For I see You there, thirsty upon the tree
Your voice and mind in need of repeating
For I see You there, clothes barely existing
Your dignity and humility in need of glorifying
For I see You there, thieves only beside You
Yet Your hope and love ever flowing
And I see You there, embracing your circumstances
A giving up of freedom, all to be gracious
To bring those who do not know
to You

Truly, truly, do I see?
And truly, truly, will I meet Your plea?

Oh dear Shepherd, may I be
Willing to give it all
Lay it down for Your needs
For You to send out with Your call
All that I am and can be
Oh dear Savior, may I know
that in those I see, I see You too
And what I do for them, I do also to You

I walk these city streets, seeking
The ways I can find You here, being
called to know and grow and go
forth today, tomorrow, and into eternity
These eyes of mine, You grant them seeing
and time and time again, I’m overwhelmed with feeling

"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on his glorious throne. Before him will be gathered all the nations, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on the left. hen the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.' Then the righteous will answer him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?' And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.' "Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.' Then they also will answer, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?' Then he will answer them, saying, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.' And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life." Matthew 10:31-46

Stepping Stones Invisible

Let me peer through the gates, over the edge…
Let me mark the path’s stones that
lie on the way—
from one to another, to another again.

I see the soil in between
A seed, so small, yet a beacon
For what can be rather than what cannot.
Then, buried beneath to bear the fate of the eventual
roots visible and unseen, strength
and weakness.
Let me not trample the latter. May I
tend them carefully; let me not block
rays of light that will nourish to bring about a flourishing.

How strange is it that falling is necessary—
the falling of rain, the bowing beneath—
In reception. In surrender. Its time not dictated
by self, but by a greater
One unseen, but known.
Invisibility of sovereignty—
it does not change the fact that He exists and will
ordain graciously,
majestically,
tenderly.

Perhaps not now, or not soon, but
one day, this process will appear; its location will be marked
between the stepping stones visible.