There is a time to live, there is a time to die
there is a time to laugh, there is a time to cry
there is a time to dance, a time for joy's embrace
and in all seasons God, we humbly seek Your face
This is our offering to You
This is our offering
Chorus
Everything I am is for Your glory
Everything I am for You alone
Everything I am is for Your glory
Everything I am for You alone
There is a time to sow, there is a time to reap
A time for victory, a time to claim defeat
a time to be renewed, a time to be reborn
And in all seasons God, we bow before Your throne
Bridge
The earth stands still without You
And we could only move because You made us to
The world is nothing without You
And we could only love because You made us to
Matt Maher, 2006, Performed by Phillips, Craig and Dean
Monday, November 27, 2006
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Looking for Love?
“May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Proverbs 5:18).
I would say that the last two months or so have been rather quiet in writing and thinking somewhat. God has been teaching me much about the heart—mine, His, and others’. In the quietness of late I have been learning to be still and simply be in His presence, without a multitude of thoughts running rampant through my mind. Though these can be edifying, they also have the potential to be distracting. I’ve been learning that my wisdom is not my own by any means; it is fully and completely from God. God has taken it away to an extent, and only at such times like tonight do I feel led to write. It is good to know that it is not of myself and only of Him. Because I am being led to write, I will do so. I pray these words are not of me and solely of Him.
For as long as I can remember, I have had such a desire and longing to be married to the man of my dreams. I am confident it is a God-given desire. However, for a long time also, I thought that once I was in a relationship or was married, there would be a completion to my life, to who I am. God brought John into my life last year in a complete yet utterly wonderful surprise. Our friendship grew quickly and deeply last year as well as our affection for one another. Towards the end of the school year, he voiced to me that God was leading him to pursue a relationship with me, and I echoed that sentiment. The timing of that I was blind to at the time and attempted to understand, for I was going on Summer Project with Crusade in Santa Monica for two and a half months, which meant I wouldn’t see him for that duration of time as well. Looking back I now understand that it was necessary for God to give me a glimpse of what was to come before one of the critical lessons He would teach me that summer.
That lesson is that I don’t need John. I don’t need him. What I thought would be this beautiful completion to my life actually happened apart from him. Through His beautiful ways, God showed me that He is abundantly more than I could ever want and need, and all my completion is found in Christ. The relationship with John that God was bringing is not the end of everything important in my life, because it is not the final puzzle piece put in place. Rather, it is the beginning of a life-long journey in which God chooses to provide in amazing ways through John and to mirror His own pursuit of us. If I chose or choose to look to John to provide in ways that only Christ can, he will crumble under the pressure and I will be left empty, for there are some things only Christ can do. Such is the necessity of living by the Spirit to determine these things.
After summer project and returning home, John voiced his intention to pursue me and the relationship that God was calling us to wait on until after project. And thus, “the relationship” began. Would I say that the past almost three months have been easy? I would not. God has stripped each of us bare of everything we have known individually, so we have been dealing with that and trying to build our relationship on top of that. There have been struggles, tears, and hard lessons seemingly piled on top of one another. But I look to it as the refining fire that God brings us through, in which the grass, chaff, and jewels are thrown in. The things that are temporary such as the chaff and grass burn away, but the jewels are refined and come out more beautiful than before. I’ve been seeing the beginning glances of jewels and it’s quite beautiful. And as hard as this time has been in a lot of ways, I remain in full praise for it. It is through this time that we have found Christ to be the foundation of both our individual lives and our life together.
Yet, it is still so interesting in what God chooses to teach in the midst of this. Many times before have I read Paul’s words about celibacy and have never understood them until now. Now that I am in a relationship, I do understand them.
“I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs-how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and Spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:32-35).
As followers of Christ, our only concern should ideally be how we can please Him. The last thing I would say is that I have displayed this at some point in my life, because I haven’t. As I said earlier, I have always had a longing to be married. But is it easier to be devoted to the Lord if you are single? I would say yes. In the time that I have known John, his presence in my life has increased, especially his presence in my mind and heart. I would even venture to say that that fact has been a bit scary at times. About a month ago, God strongly convicted me to be continually praying that my relationship with Him and my relationship with John would each have their proper places in my life. I am no longer single, and with that, my attention is divided between John and the Lord.
And I will be very honest here: I regret how I spent my time being single. I was consumed with the prospect of marriage long before I ever should have been. In the time in which I could’ve been solely devoted to the Lord and had an undivided interest in Him, I wasn’t. I was constantly consumed by what was to come in the future that I missed out on the level of intimacy I could’ve had with Him in the present. It also comes back to the seemingly unending struggle to embrace the current season and not to play the waiting game, looking to what is to come. I missed out. That isn’t something I can get back in the same way now.
But do I regret no longer being single? I don’t. Do I feel guilty for not being single? To that, no also. For as Paul also explains, celibacy is a spiritual gift, and few have it.
“I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: it is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am” (1 Cor 7:7-8).
Each man has his own gift from God, and sometimes celibacy is one of them, as Paul had. Yet it is not one that everyone, or even many people have. God calls few to a life of celibacy, for it requires voluntarily being single without regret and being able to serve the Lord without distraction. Paul also says that “each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him” (1 Cor 7:17). That means embracing what God has called us to do and the circumstances He has placed us in, and for me, that means a life with marriage. I praise God that I will one day be married, because I can’t imagine a life without a man, namely John, by my side. I am thankful I don’t have to go on this road alone. There is great purpose in me no longer being single. However, I am also thankful that God has allowed me to see what an unwavering devotion to Him should look like, and how there is so much truth in what Paul wrote.
In our society today, there is definitely a warped view of what relationships look like and are. So often I find myself grieving at these statements, beliefs, and actions, because what is not realized is how much is being missed out on. If God is the giver of greatest blessings, why don’t we wait on Him and allow Him to give when He sees it fit? If He knows us better than we know ourselves, why do we take the timing and people of relationships into our own hands, thinking that we can put a square peg through a round hole, and that somehow, it will work? I could go on and on about this, but I will refrain. Basically after seeing and experiencing how good a relationship is because it’s of God makes me grieve for those who don’t or aren’t willing to wait on Him. People let themselves be completely consumed by a significant other and make their entire world revolve around that person rather than Christ. So often it sets them up to fall and be scarred in the process. We are a dynamic people, called to do different things. As Christians, we must not neglect the ministry we have in our lives because we are looking to “a one” rather than “The One.” As I will explain later on, there is so much we can learn from the pursuit of one another in a romantic relationship, one leading to marriage. Yet, I would think that anyone would honestly say that they desire their relationships to be the best they can be, three-dimensional rather than two. I find that through my other relationships with people and the things I do apart from my relationship with John only teaches me more in how to love him and most importantly, point to Christ.
John and I continue to find our relationship contrary to the world, and that is what we desire.
“He who finds a wife finds what is good, and receives favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22).
This verse, along with so many others I have read, only solidifies the fact that this relationship is good. God did a major overhaul in both of us for us to accept and enter this relationship with one another. To put it simply, it is completely from and of God that we are together, and not of ourselves. It is good that we are together. I believe God is smiling upon it. When God is the consummation of our hearts, we are able to love each other more and most importantly, love Him more.
“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his flesh. This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (1 Corinthians 5:22-33).
Now here comes a verse in which I think possesses so much of God’s heart in human relationships. A male and female relationship is only to be a mirror of Christ’s relationship with His bride, the Church. As we submit to Christ, so women should submit to their husbands, for they are to be the head, just as Christ is the head of the Church. One thing I want to make clear in my study of this passage is that Christ’s relationship is not the mirror of our human relationships. He is the source, and all things come from Him and point back to Him, every aspect of our lives. One thing I know women have so much of a problem with is the aspect of being commanded to be submissive to our husbands. I think the thing that is missed so much in this passage is that we are to be submissive to them, but they are to love us as they love themselves and Christ loved the church. They are to give themselves up for us to make us holy and present us in that way. It goes both ways. I believe if we truly heed the Word and desire to do what it speaks of, we will find ourselves living the Spirit-filled life with extreme blessing. But, we must be willing. We must be willing to let the truth transform our hearts and lives, and rely not on what we see in the world and what other things we may think to be true.
And what a blessing it has been to begin to walk in this truth. For those of you who know me well, you know that I am a natural leader and am used to being strong or at least putting on the appearance of it. A huge thing I have been learning over the last few months is how to be truly vulnerable and submissive. It has been difficult to say the least, because I have been much more vulnerable to spiritual attack with that. I have been learning it in two different aspects; one with John and the other with Christ. They have been very closely parallel to one another. Yet all difficult things that are of Christ bring beauty, and I have been finding that with this lesson as well. It has been sweet to not be a leader for once and learn how to truly let Christ as well as John lead. I am a woman, and I desire that John may be won over by my “submission to him so that he may be won over without words by my behavior when he sees the purity and reverence of my life…when my beauty does not come from outward adornment but of my inner self, a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight” (1 Peter 3:1-4 paraphrase). I also pray that it is not just John who is “won” over by this in a sense, because those qualities are the ones of a Christ-filled woman. How great can her influence be to those around her, especially those hurting, perishing, or dying…and this has been a lesson of learning to not just be a Godly person, but a Godly woman... “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life” (Prov 31:10-12).
I praise God for being the consummation of my heart. His love is better than life! In the midst of this consummation I also find my love for John growing stronger. In many prayers for him and about this relationship I find myself praying that God will continue to teach me how to be submissive and how to serve John in the way that he needs. I pray that I will continue to learn and practice selfless love, and be the prayer warrior for him that he needs. One of my prayers for him has been that God would teach him what it is to be a leader in every aspect, and to take initiative in the way that Christ pursues us. Prayers for us include that we would learn so much more about Christ’s pursuit for us through our relationship, as well as every aspect of our relationship bringing others and glory to God.
See, I strongly believe the point of relationships is only to point back to the Creator. I can’t emphasize this enough. This proves the necessity of letting Christ ordain them. We are created for relationships in all aspects with other people, but most importantly, with Christ. Christ gives us a bigger picture of Himself through them, and we have the privilege of gaining an understanding of how He pursues us, if we are willing to fulfill those roles He has called us to do and created us to be. And as we embark on those relationships of all kinds, especially those leading to marriage, we must remember that we are all still human and fall short. There will be times we fail or are disappointed, and times that we cause hurt to another. Yet as Christ has covered us with His blood to cover our sin, He covers us with His love and pursuit over the wounds of the hearts. As beautiful as my relationship is and will continue to be with John, I will always remember this fact: Christ is our ultimate pursuer. In any area that we may fall, hurt, or fail one another, Christ fills. We look to Him for the ultimate pursuit, not to man. Our relationships with one another here on earth are just a fraction as good as the one with Him, our Savior and best friend.
“Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. In that day, declares the Lord, you will call me my husband, you will no longer call me my master. I will bethroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord” (Hosea 2:14-16, 19-20).
I would say that the last two months or so have been rather quiet in writing and thinking somewhat. God has been teaching me much about the heart—mine, His, and others’. In the quietness of late I have been learning to be still and simply be in His presence, without a multitude of thoughts running rampant through my mind. Though these can be edifying, they also have the potential to be distracting. I’ve been learning that my wisdom is not my own by any means; it is fully and completely from God. God has taken it away to an extent, and only at such times like tonight do I feel led to write. It is good to know that it is not of myself and only of Him. Because I am being led to write, I will do so. I pray these words are not of me and solely of Him.
For as long as I can remember, I have had such a desire and longing to be married to the man of my dreams. I am confident it is a God-given desire. However, for a long time also, I thought that once I was in a relationship or was married, there would be a completion to my life, to who I am. God brought John into my life last year in a complete yet utterly wonderful surprise. Our friendship grew quickly and deeply last year as well as our affection for one another. Towards the end of the school year, he voiced to me that God was leading him to pursue a relationship with me, and I echoed that sentiment. The timing of that I was blind to at the time and attempted to understand, for I was going on Summer Project with Crusade in Santa Monica for two and a half months, which meant I wouldn’t see him for that duration of time as well. Looking back I now understand that it was necessary for God to give me a glimpse of what was to come before one of the critical lessons He would teach me that summer.
That lesson is that I don’t need John. I don’t need him. What I thought would be this beautiful completion to my life actually happened apart from him. Through His beautiful ways, God showed me that He is abundantly more than I could ever want and need, and all my completion is found in Christ. The relationship with John that God was bringing is not the end of everything important in my life, because it is not the final puzzle piece put in place. Rather, it is the beginning of a life-long journey in which God chooses to provide in amazing ways through John and to mirror His own pursuit of us. If I chose or choose to look to John to provide in ways that only Christ can, he will crumble under the pressure and I will be left empty, for there are some things only Christ can do. Such is the necessity of living by the Spirit to determine these things.
After summer project and returning home, John voiced his intention to pursue me and the relationship that God was calling us to wait on until after project. And thus, “the relationship” began. Would I say that the past almost three months have been easy? I would not. God has stripped each of us bare of everything we have known individually, so we have been dealing with that and trying to build our relationship on top of that. There have been struggles, tears, and hard lessons seemingly piled on top of one another. But I look to it as the refining fire that God brings us through, in which the grass, chaff, and jewels are thrown in. The things that are temporary such as the chaff and grass burn away, but the jewels are refined and come out more beautiful than before. I’ve been seeing the beginning glances of jewels and it’s quite beautiful. And as hard as this time has been in a lot of ways, I remain in full praise for it. It is through this time that we have found Christ to be the foundation of both our individual lives and our life together.
Yet, it is still so interesting in what God chooses to teach in the midst of this. Many times before have I read Paul’s words about celibacy and have never understood them until now. Now that I am in a relationship, I do understand them.
“I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs-how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and Spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:32-35).
As followers of Christ, our only concern should ideally be how we can please Him. The last thing I would say is that I have displayed this at some point in my life, because I haven’t. As I said earlier, I have always had a longing to be married. But is it easier to be devoted to the Lord if you are single? I would say yes. In the time that I have known John, his presence in my life has increased, especially his presence in my mind and heart. I would even venture to say that that fact has been a bit scary at times. About a month ago, God strongly convicted me to be continually praying that my relationship with Him and my relationship with John would each have their proper places in my life. I am no longer single, and with that, my attention is divided between John and the Lord.
And I will be very honest here: I regret how I spent my time being single. I was consumed with the prospect of marriage long before I ever should have been. In the time in which I could’ve been solely devoted to the Lord and had an undivided interest in Him, I wasn’t. I was constantly consumed by what was to come in the future that I missed out on the level of intimacy I could’ve had with Him in the present. It also comes back to the seemingly unending struggle to embrace the current season and not to play the waiting game, looking to what is to come. I missed out. That isn’t something I can get back in the same way now.
But do I regret no longer being single? I don’t. Do I feel guilty for not being single? To that, no also. For as Paul also explains, celibacy is a spiritual gift, and few have it.
“I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: it is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am” (1 Cor 7:7-8).
Each man has his own gift from God, and sometimes celibacy is one of them, as Paul had. Yet it is not one that everyone, or even many people have. God calls few to a life of celibacy, for it requires voluntarily being single without regret and being able to serve the Lord without distraction. Paul also says that “each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him” (1 Cor 7:17). That means embracing what God has called us to do and the circumstances He has placed us in, and for me, that means a life with marriage. I praise God that I will one day be married, because I can’t imagine a life without a man, namely John, by my side. I am thankful I don’t have to go on this road alone. There is great purpose in me no longer being single. However, I am also thankful that God has allowed me to see what an unwavering devotion to Him should look like, and how there is so much truth in what Paul wrote.
In our society today, there is definitely a warped view of what relationships look like and are. So often I find myself grieving at these statements, beliefs, and actions, because what is not realized is how much is being missed out on. If God is the giver of greatest blessings, why don’t we wait on Him and allow Him to give when He sees it fit? If He knows us better than we know ourselves, why do we take the timing and people of relationships into our own hands, thinking that we can put a square peg through a round hole, and that somehow, it will work? I could go on and on about this, but I will refrain. Basically after seeing and experiencing how good a relationship is because it’s of God makes me grieve for those who don’t or aren’t willing to wait on Him. People let themselves be completely consumed by a significant other and make their entire world revolve around that person rather than Christ. So often it sets them up to fall and be scarred in the process. We are a dynamic people, called to do different things. As Christians, we must not neglect the ministry we have in our lives because we are looking to “a one” rather than “The One.” As I will explain later on, there is so much we can learn from the pursuit of one another in a romantic relationship, one leading to marriage. Yet, I would think that anyone would honestly say that they desire their relationships to be the best they can be, three-dimensional rather than two. I find that through my other relationships with people and the things I do apart from my relationship with John only teaches me more in how to love him and most importantly, point to Christ.
John and I continue to find our relationship contrary to the world, and that is what we desire.
“He who finds a wife finds what is good, and receives favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22).
This verse, along with so many others I have read, only solidifies the fact that this relationship is good. God did a major overhaul in both of us for us to accept and enter this relationship with one another. To put it simply, it is completely from and of God that we are together, and not of ourselves. It is good that we are together. I believe God is smiling upon it. When God is the consummation of our hearts, we are able to love each other more and most importantly, love Him more.
“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his flesh. This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (1 Corinthians 5:22-33).
Now here comes a verse in which I think possesses so much of God’s heart in human relationships. A male and female relationship is only to be a mirror of Christ’s relationship with His bride, the Church. As we submit to Christ, so women should submit to their husbands, for they are to be the head, just as Christ is the head of the Church. One thing I want to make clear in my study of this passage is that Christ’s relationship is not the mirror of our human relationships. He is the source, and all things come from Him and point back to Him, every aspect of our lives. One thing I know women have so much of a problem with is the aspect of being commanded to be submissive to our husbands. I think the thing that is missed so much in this passage is that we are to be submissive to them, but they are to love us as they love themselves and Christ loved the church. They are to give themselves up for us to make us holy and present us in that way. It goes both ways. I believe if we truly heed the Word and desire to do what it speaks of, we will find ourselves living the Spirit-filled life with extreme blessing. But, we must be willing. We must be willing to let the truth transform our hearts and lives, and rely not on what we see in the world and what other things we may think to be true.
And what a blessing it has been to begin to walk in this truth. For those of you who know me well, you know that I am a natural leader and am used to being strong or at least putting on the appearance of it. A huge thing I have been learning over the last few months is how to be truly vulnerable and submissive. It has been difficult to say the least, because I have been much more vulnerable to spiritual attack with that. I have been learning it in two different aspects; one with John and the other with Christ. They have been very closely parallel to one another. Yet all difficult things that are of Christ bring beauty, and I have been finding that with this lesson as well. It has been sweet to not be a leader for once and learn how to truly let Christ as well as John lead. I am a woman, and I desire that John may be won over by my “submission to him so that he may be won over without words by my behavior when he sees the purity and reverence of my life…when my beauty does not come from outward adornment but of my inner self, a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight” (1 Peter 3:1-4 paraphrase). I also pray that it is not just John who is “won” over by this in a sense, because those qualities are the ones of a Christ-filled woman. How great can her influence be to those around her, especially those hurting, perishing, or dying…and this has been a lesson of learning to not just be a Godly person, but a Godly woman... “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life” (Prov 31:10-12).
I praise God for being the consummation of my heart. His love is better than life! In the midst of this consummation I also find my love for John growing stronger. In many prayers for him and about this relationship I find myself praying that God will continue to teach me how to be submissive and how to serve John in the way that he needs. I pray that I will continue to learn and practice selfless love, and be the prayer warrior for him that he needs. One of my prayers for him has been that God would teach him what it is to be a leader in every aspect, and to take initiative in the way that Christ pursues us. Prayers for us include that we would learn so much more about Christ’s pursuit for us through our relationship, as well as every aspect of our relationship bringing others and glory to God.
See, I strongly believe the point of relationships is only to point back to the Creator. I can’t emphasize this enough. This proves the necessity of letting Christ ordain them. We are created for relationships in all aspects with other people, but most importantly, with Christ. Christ gives us a bigger picture of Himself through them, and we have the privilege of gaining an understanding of how He pursues us, if we are willing to fulfill those roles He has called us to do and created us to be. And as we embark on those relationships of all kinds, especially those leading to marriage, we must remember that we are all still human and fall short. There will be times we fail or are disappointed, and times that we cause hurt to another. Yet as Christ has covered us with His blood to cover our sin, He covers us with His love and pursuit over the wounds of the hearts. As beautiful as my relationship is and will continue to be with John, I will always remember this fact: Christ is our ultimate pursuer. In any area that we may fall, hurt, or fail one another, Christ fills. We look to Him for the ultimate pursuit, not to man. Our relationships with one another here on earth are just a fraction as good as the one with Him, our Savior and best friend.
“Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. In that day, declares the Lord, you will call me my husband, you will no longer call me my master. I will bethroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord” (Hosea 2:14-16, 19-20).
Friday, November 17, 2006
OVERwhelmed, UNDERtaking, OVERly blessed, UN[DER] deserving
Overwhelmed, Undertaking, Overly blessed, and Un(der) deserving...some key words that are writ upon my heart and mind as of late.
I'm overwhelmed...With what God chooses to do and is doing around me. For the first time in a while I have been able to look behind me to what God did in the last six months of my life, and also have been able to look ahead to what He has in store. I'm overwhelmed at the extent in which He has and is transforming my heart and life. I'm reading over my three to four hundred pages of typed journal entries over the last eight months and am stunned by what has happened and where God has brought me. To say that His plans are beautifully orchestrated and planned is to in a sense, give God so much injustice. He is worthy of so much more praise than any words can give. I am overwhelmed at the fact that my praise will always be so inadequate to what He deserves. I look and see what He is doing in and with me personally right now and what He is preparing me for, and I am overwhelmed to know in the smallest part what the implications of what He wishes to do will be. That He would choose to do these things...it is not for me by any means. It is solely for His glory.
I'm undertaking...So many different things at the present, yet I feel that I am being lazy. It's a weird thing. I find myself undertaking a new ministry that I haven't had before in my job at the warehouse. God has been so good in providing with that. I find myself undertaking friendships that are different than what I expect. I find myself beginning to undertake a new major and career path. I find myself undertaking the things to which God has entrusted to me to be a good steward of. I am amazed at the girls that God has placed in my life to whom He can minister to through me. I don't understand why me, but I'm not supposed to. One thing remains constant as of late though; the call by God to wait on certain aspects and be patient. I finally understood this clearly tonight. As I was having my date night with Jesus, I was printing out eight months of journal entries. I ran out of ink, and so I went to open the evil Costco packaging with an exacto knife in my room because I was too impatient to go get the scissors out in the living room. So I used my exacto knife to cut it open, and cut away from myself mind you, but my hand was still in the way. Deeply it went in and gushing out it came. My roomies came and helped patch me up. I was annoyed with myself for doing this once again, as it seems I do things like this a lot. Yet God made it clear to me tonight. So often when dealing with a present task, I am so anxious and frantic to get it done so I may move onto the next. This attitude leads me to do things in unorthodox and often, rather stupid ways, when I need to take the little more fraction of a time and do it correctly. I know I am and will continue to be radical, but I must do it in a proper way in which I don't wound myself or others. There is purpose in doing things in the correct order. There is purpose in me stepping away from things a bit this quarter. I need to learn to do things properly, and that is going to take a little bit of extra time. So I am undertaking a new way of walking with Christ than I have before...being diligent, but walking slowly and fully embracing what He has for me.
I am overly blessed...In every way. I look at my life and it's ridiculously blessed. Even in the trials and hard times, the blessings are so present. I am blessed by being here in San Luis Obispo, going to school at the place of my dreams. I am blessed with amazing roommates, who challenge me to grow daily. I am blessed with a wonderful family, in which there is so much love despite many difficult years growing up. I am blessed with incredible friends here, one of whom has come to be so dear to me. The dates we have on Tuesday nights watching Gilmore Girls and pouring out our hearts has been a a sign of her constant encouragement and extreme blessing in my life. I am so blessed with a man who loves and accepts me unconditionally, showing Christ to me in every way. That God would choose to give me to such a man is incredible...and I can thoroughly and honestly say that there are so few blessings that compare to being in love with the love of my life...it's unbelievably good. He is incredible in every way. And today I was also more thoroughly blessed by his sister asking me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I consider that an extreme honor and amazing gift, for she has blessed me in so many ways. The list can go on and on...but I am so blessed.
Yet I am un(der)deserving...I don't deserve any of this. I don't deserve anything. The greatest gift of all is Christ on the Cross taking my place for my sins. I am covered in filth and all sanctification is done by Him. I find this season to be a lesson in humility more than ever before, in the fact that I feel I have nothing to offer, yet Christ still works in and through me. The humility hasn't been an easy lesson and never will be, but I love the place I am in now: knowing that nothing is of me, and everything is of Him. I come to the realization that He does nothing solely for me, it is all for His glory. Oh that I may always be a temple for Him to be displayed! That what people are drawn to will always be Him and not me! Everything is of Him and nothing is of me. If any good is seen in me, it is Christ. I am a fragile jar of clay, easily pressed and broken, but He is the kiln, the refining fire who makes me firm in Him. He is my strength, He is my God, and He is my praise.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Learning to Laugh Again
Learning to laugh again...This season has been a fight for joy and an uphill road. I have in weeks past, regained the ability to smile, but today I think was the first time I have really laughed as a result of joy in such a while.
It's quite interesting how God chose to orchestrate it as well...symbolic of course, as it seems to be with me often. Two of my roommates and I went on a shopping trip tonight, mainly to the grocery store. We were unloading, and as I was carrying bags up to the elevator, I found out the hard way that we had packed too many cans into one plastic bag, and so the handle broke and some rolled out. I left those and went and put the others in the elevator where Kirsten was holding it for me. I came back and got the last of the groceries and then collected the torn bag of cans. I was able to pick it up as its own entity without the handle and carry it to the elevator. We put the bags down once again until we got to our floor. I went to pick up the bags again, along with the other...8 I was carrying (if you don't know me, I am very stubborn with certain things, and that includes not making more trips than is literally, physically possible). I succeeded except for when I tried to walk out of the elevator with the bag of cans. It proceeded to tear more, and then I found myself straddling the entrance of the elevator, not able to move because it would have been a literal avalanche of cans. I lost it and burst out laughing as did Kirsten, something we have not been able to do together in quite some time. She helped me and we just kept laughing and Laura came to help too. Luckily we barely made it to our apartment, all cans intact.
Why did I find such a thing so amusing? Perhaps for once I was able to also laugh at myself in a more metaphorical way. I attempt to carry much more than I should only to find that it is stupid for me to do so. I do this in my own life instead of letting God carry those burdens, and only taking as many as He has called me to carry. I knew the bag would probably tear but I persisted, to the point in which it did. I had to stop dead in my tracks for these cans not to fall, straddling the line of the elevator. How often do I stop in my tracks of what I am doing in my life, knowing that my burden is too heavy, and allow Him to carry those? I wait until the last second before they fall or until after they fall, and then I have to face the consequences. I straddled a thin line tonight, as thin as the one in the elevator I was standing in. I could've chosen to be stubborn and tried to go on it on my own, unsuccessfully like I had been, or I could've relented like I did, laughing at myself and the situation. For once I saw how truly ridiculous I am and can be, for it was obvious the burden was too much for me to carry, and all I could do was laugh at myself and the situation. I found joy in the fact that I was able to give these cans to my sisters and my burdens to God, marking a significant change in the day.
I am so stubborn and stupid and silly so often...I should be laughing at myself, it's ridiculous. Yet I also laugh once again at finding a newfound joy in God who loves me, stuck in the elevator, spilling cans and all.
And as the statement in the sand in the above picture states, God is good. Though the waves may wash that away from the sand in time, that fact will never wash away from my heart.
Learning to laugh again...it feels good.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Blessings
God is so unbelievably good and faithful, no matter what the circumstances...and I am finding that when I choose to go about my day and my life focusing on that very thing, joy abounds. I am unbelievably blessed. I may not be blessed in all of the ways I would choose to be, but I am blessed by my Father in Heaven, and that is better than all. I am so unworthy of any blessings He bestows upon me, and so it is tonight and from now on that I will receive and look upon these blessings with a humble and grateful heart.
"Fear the Lord your God and serve Him. Hold fast to Him and take your oaths in His name. He is your praise, He is your God, who performed for you those good and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes." Deuteronomy 10:20-21
"Fear the Lord your God and serve Him. Hold fast to Him and take your oaths in His name. He is your praise, He is your God, who performed for you those good and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes." Deuteronomy 10:20-21
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Beautiful Surrender
Beautiful surrender, let us fall on our knees
Beautiful surrender, all we are we yield
Beautiful surrender, in You our hearts we keep
Beautiful surrender, Your spirit let us receive
Beautiful surrender, all to You, our beautiful King
Every tear that falls down your face still
Won’t you surrender, let Him it wipe it away
Hurt lingers and is ever present I know
but His grace is more than enough to fill
Will you let go?
In the desert parched for thirst and love
Won’t you surrender, let Him lead you to the water
A longing persists and is ever present I know
But He pursues you in the way You desire
Will you let him heal?
Beautiful surrender, let us fall on our knees
Beautiful surrender, all we are we yield
Beautiful surrender, in You our hearts we keep
Beautiful surrender, Your spirit let us receive
Beautiful surrender, all to You, our beautiful King
Every prayer that is prayed reaches the heavens
Every cry that escapes touches His heart
Every love we bear comes from the source
Every note in this melodious praise of worship resounds beautifully still
Surrender to His sovereign will
Surrender and be filled
Won’t you know that you’re not on this way alone
Won’t you see that I’m here right beside you
Won’t you know that I am your colaborer
And beside you, surrender I will
Beautiful surrender, let us fall on our knees
Beautiful surrender, all we are we yield
Beautiful surrender, in You our hearts we keep
Beautiful surrender, your spirit let us receive
Beautiful surrender, all to You, our beautiful King
Beautiful surrender, all we are we yield
Beautiful surrender, in You our hearts we keep
Beautiful surrender, Your spirit let us receive
Beautiful surrender, all to You, our beautiful King
Every tear that falls down your face still
Won’t you surrender, let Him it wipe it away
Hurt lingers and is ever present I know
but His grace is more than enough to fill
Will you let go?
In the desert parched for thirst and love
Won’t you surrender, let Him lead you to the water
A longing persists and is ever present I know
But He pursues you in the way You desire
Will you let him heal?
Beautiful surrender, let us fall on our knees
Beautiful surrender, all we are we yield
Beautiful surrender, in You our hearts we keep
Beautiful surrender, Your spirit let us receive
Beautiful surrender, all to You, our beautiful King
Every prayer that is prayed reaches the heavens
Every cry that escapes touches His heart
Every love we bear comes from the source
Every note in this melodious praise of worship resounds beautifully still
Surrender to His sovereign will
Surrender and be filled
Won’t you know that you’re not on this way alone
Won’t you see that I’m here right beside you
Won’t you know that I am your colaborer
And beside you, surrender I will
Beautiful surrender, let us fall on our knees
Beautiful surrender, all we are we yield
Beautiful surrender, in You our hearts we keep
Beautiful surrender, your spirit let us receive
Beautiful surrender, all to You, our beautiful King
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Fallen
The fact that we are all fallen and fall so short of the glory of God is resonating in my heart tonight...from the lowest peasant servant to those in the highest positions whom everyone is observing.
I just received the news about Ted Haggard and his fall. It disheartens me so much to hear of how a man who fought the demons for Colorado Springs and abroad has lost to his own personal battle with Satan. I am reminded of something God has been teaching me and others lately: the fact that if we are not focused with God on the vertical plane, the horizontal plane can cause us to fall. So often we get burdened with others and the people around us and situations that are happening, and we take those upon our own shoulders. We attempt to carry a burden that we can never carry; the burden of other's lives and souls. We are not meant to carry those burdens. Christ told us to give our burdens to Him because His yoke is light. He is the only one sufficient...yet we so often neglect and forget that, and by doing so, it causes us to stumble, perhaps a slight one at first, but then a great fall.
There is an ever present enemy to our souls. It lurks in the darkness and within things and has a presense we are often unaware of. If we don't realize that and are aware of it, we will continue to fall over and over again. We can't let Satan employ clever schemes, blinding us where the Spirit should be.
We can't neglect the fact that we all fall short of the glory of God. We can't forget that we are all jars of clay, fragile and easily broken. We can't forget that we are nothing apart from Him.
If we do, we are certain to fall...
And until we realize that, we will fall over and over again, into the same trap, because we are so blinded.
I think something that is disturbing me greatly about a lot of this right now is a conversation I had with my dad before coming out to school. We were talking about Ted Haggard and other previous prominent Evangelicals and pastors, and my dad made the statement, "it wouldn't be surprising if he fell just like the others." I defended Ted Haggard, saying that it wouldn't, because he was different than those.
But the fact is, he is no different than you and me. He is in just as desperate need of God and His abundant grace and mercy. He just had a much more visible fall due to his position.
I find myself coming back to that conversation over and over again with my dad thinking about how my dad will probably use this opportunity to say, "yep, there's another hypocritical Christian, living a dual life." And this breaks me because I don't want something else to deter him from coming to know Christ. Yet I must remember that God is working in spite of all of this, and perhaps this will lead to a conversation about grace and how we are all in need of it.
So I leave tonight with this prayer. To my fellow brothers and sisters, let us not neglect the fact that Satan is out there lurking and is looking for any way to get us to fall. "If we think we are standing firm, be careful that we don't fall" (1 Corinthians 10:12). Be reminded of how we are all sinners and all fall short, whether those falls are visible or hidden, they are ever present still. And come back to the One who gives us grace and mercy so endlessly. Don't take on a burden that you are not meant to carry. Leave it all in Christ's hands. He is the only one sufficient.
To those still searching...I pray that this example with Ted Haggard will not further taint your image of Christians and Christianity. I pray that we as Christians will come before you just as we are, broken and in need of God's grace. We are so far from being perfect even though we may often put on fronts that we are or attempt to be. I am sorry that we do not represent God in the way we should. I am sorry that we are hypocrites. I pray that we will be real with you, and show you the God who so graciously loves us, though we don't deserve it.
I just received the news about Ted Haggard and his fall. It disheartens me so much to hear of how a man who fought the demons for Colorado Springs and abroad has lost to his own personal battle with Satan. I am reminded of something God has been teaching me and others lately: the fact that if we are not focused with God on the vertical plane, the horizontal plane can cause us to fall. So often we get burdened with others and the people around us and situations that are happening, and we take those upon our own shoulders. We attempt to carry a burden that we can never carry; the burden of other's lives and souls. We are not meant to carry those burdens. Christ told us to give our burdens to Him because His yoke is light. He is the only one sufficient...yet we so often neglect and forget that, and by doing so, it causes us to stumble, perhaps a slight one at first, but then a great fall.
There is an ever present enemy to our souls. It lurks in the darkness and within things and has a presense we are often unaware of. If we don't realize that and are aware of it, we will continue to fall over and over again. We can't let Satan employ clever schemes, blinding us where the Spirit should be.
We can't neglect the fact that we all fall short of the glory of God. We can't forget that we are all jars of clay, fragile and easily broken. We can't forget that we are nothing apart from Him.
If we do, we are certain to fall...
And until we realize that, we will fall over and over again, into the same trap, because we are so blinded.
I think something that is disturbing me greatly about a lot of this right now is a conversation I had with my dad before coming out to school. We were talking about Ted Haggard and other previous prominent Evangelicals and pastors, and my dad made the statement, "it wouldn't be surprising if he fell just like the others." I defended Ted Haggard, saying that it wouldn't, because he was different than those.
But the fact is, he is no different than you and me. He is in just as desperate need of God and His abundant grace and mercy. He just had a much more visible fall due to his position.
I find myself coming back to that conversation over and over again with my dad thinking about how my dad will probably use this opportunity to say, "yep, there's another hypocritical Christian, living a dual life." And this breaks me because I don't want something else to deter him from coming to know Christ. Yet I must remember that God is working in spite of all of this, and perhaps this will lead to a conversation about grace and how we are all in need of it.
So I leave tonight with this prayer. To my fellow brothers and sisters, let us not neglect the fact that Satan is out there lurking and is looking for any way to get us to fall. "If we think we are standing firm, be careful that we don't fall" (1 Corinthians 10:12). Be reminded of how we are all sinners and all fall short, whether those falls are visible or hidden, they are ever present still. And come back to the One who gives us grace and mercy so endlessly. Don't take on a burden that you are not meant to carry. Leave it all in Christ's hands. He is the only one sufficient.
To those still searching...I pray that this example with Ted Haggard will not further taint your image of Christians and Christianity. I pray that we as Christians will come before you just as we are, broken and in need of God's grace. We are so far from being perfect even though we may often put on fronts that we are or attempt to be. I am sorry that we do not represent God in the way we should. I am sorry that we are hypocrites. I pray that we will be real with you, and show you the God who so graciously loves us, though we don't deserve it.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
The Good Kind of Secrets
I was telling John the other day that I love secrets...but not necessarily the kind that are never revealed. I love the ones that you don't know for the time being and immediate future, but you know it will be revealed sometime in the future. It's fun not to know everything at the present time but still have the knowledge that it will be revealed, and the suspense that has built up as a result of waiting only makes the reveal all the better.
Hmm...God has given me a secret of sorts...and it's sweet. For once in my life I like not telling anyone about this, at least not in full part, and just wait on God to continue to do what He wishes in regard to this secret of His and mine. A contented sigh escapes my mouth as I write this because it is good, so good, and I can't wait to see what God does with this!
Until the eventual reveal...in quietness I will wait.
Hmm...God has given me a secret of sorts...and it's sweet. For once in my life I like not telling anyone about this, at least not in full part, and just wait on God to continue to do what He wishes in regard to this secret of His and mine. A contented sigh escapes my mouth as I write this because it is good, so good, and I can't wait to see what God does with this!
Until the eventual reveal...in quietness I will wait.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Regeneration
The morn' of November
A crisp chill lingering in the stillness
Can you feel the season of change?
A regeneration
Old leaves fall and the new ones will come
Yet it's all in its own time
Ordained by the Creator of all
One must be tossed and turned about
Eager to escape its stem, root of life
But ever more, must cling stronger still
Are we so adamant to hang on to what is dying?
Or do we desire a rebirth
A regeneration
Blossoms on the brink but hearts must mend
In this season of winter to come
Finding a new joy in the creator of all
The morn' of November and season of winter very soon shall pass
On the brink of the revival of spring
Can you feel the season of change?
A regeneration?
A crisp chill lingering in the stillness
Can you feel the season of change?
A regeneration
Old leaves fall and the new ones will come
Yet it's all in its own time
Ordained by the Creator of all
One must be tossed and turned about
Eager to escape its stem, root of life
But ever more, must cling stronger still
Are we so adamant to hang on to what is dying?
Or do we desire a rebirth
A regeneration
Blossoms on the brink but hearts must mend
In this season of winter to come
Finding a new joy in the creator of all
The morn' of November and season of winter very soon shall pass
On the brink of the revival of spring
Can you feel the season of change?
A regeneration?
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