It's always interesting to see where God takes the course of my day or night when I allow Him to do so. It's been such a blessing to have an entire day when there is nothing I HAD to do. It's been incredibly restful and needed...
Tonight I sat down with the intention of writing my parents a letter about God's leading in the future and the shaping and desires for such. However, that did not come. Instead, I ended up reading old blogs for about an hour. There are times I will go back and read through my journals, but I don't read through my blogs very often. I thank God for providing them in tonight's time, for there is something so beautiful about reading and remembering all that He has done and who He always is. I can't write about the future in its fullness until I see and remember God's fullness in the past and present. There is such a need to reflect and remember...
And I am blown away by it all. Could I really be here, 21 years old, in my third year of college, in the position I am in now? My roots are ever so present yet they are incredibly distant at the same time. Was it over 2 years ago that I started college and so many things began? And even still, college was not the beginning of my life. My Creator has had my days ordained before I ever came to be. Could it be that this year is a transition year in a lot of ways? I think perhaps, but more so after reading tonight, I think that in so many ways it is a new beginning, a new walking upon truths I am finally beginning to grasp. It may be a transition more so in the place I am. I find myself amazed that ever still I will come upon new mysteries of my God of which He gives me in order that I may constantly probe my faith to make it stronger and deeper. I praise Him that He will continue to take my breath away in so many moments...
Like today at the beach. My good friends from the dorm 2 years ago and I got together to play volleyball for a post-humus birthday celebration. It was raining quite a bit at the beach, but we didn't let that stop us. I was blessed tremendously by it for so many different reasons. One was that I was able to look upon these people I have known for over two years now and see the ways in which we have grown up..such a strange reality but one nevertheless. As we played the rain streamed steadily down and from time to time we shook our hair and wiped our brows. But the presence of God was ever there. And lastly, I found myself completely taken aback by the birds taking flight all at once, hundreds, maybe thousands, rising up. It was breathtaking. I can't even wrap my mind around what my heart wants to say in response to that...
Perhaps I am taken aback in the passing of time and what it brings. It seems like yesterday that that same group that gathered today to play volleyball in the rain gathered during WOW week our freshman year to play volleyball at the rec center. How incredibly different we all were and still are; yet there's a bond of friendship that has kept us coming back together over the years. These aren't my closest friends, but they are some of my most treasured. No matter how long it has been since we have seen one another or talked or anything, we still come back together. It is a friendship that is unconditional on time...
How God is incredibly unconditional on time...regardless of where I have been or where I am at, He has met me there. He has led me and taught me according to what I could bear, no matter how long the time would take. And though it's natural to classify things into years and ages, it is also sweet to see it as a big picture. God has been shaping me and leading me since before I was born.
My name was picked by my parents off of an 80's tv show they liked. When it was picked by them, they had no idea what the meaning of the name was: "consecrated to God." God has named me not for who I originally was but for who I would become and am becoming. Just as Jesus renamed Peter for that same reason, so God has done so with me. How incredibly beautiful that is...and how true it resounds over the years as God has knit me more and more into the folds of His arms and heart that I may be consecrated to him in every way...I love that word and am excited to see what other ways it will come into play later on in my life.
I am thankful that God has brought me back to remember before I pursue the future. The letter, among with so many other things, will come in time, but there's such a necessity in remembering the preparation of heart that God has done in the past for such things in the future. And upon the reflection as of tonight, I am clearly seeing that He certainly directs paths we are unaware of, and in His beautiful timing He makes them straight and clear. I have seen so much...yet it's nothing in comparison for what will come. That is my God, fully Himself in every way...unspeakably beautiful.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Expose to Ephphatha
Expose.
My heart. Yours.
Just You and me dear Lord.
What is deep within?
This way. I am
Created.
Yet You refine me like silver
A constant molding never ending
You say
Choose the better way.
If only there were words to express
This work that You do ever still
It would be simpler.
Not just a torrent in heart but
Words written on a page.
Somewhat clear. Maybe concise.
A means to understand
Yet it all remains within
A dialogue and interaction
With only You. My Lord.
You know the love I profess
This devotion of mine
The all I give to You.
But there is a lack. Still.
For You require nothing less.
Oh to love You but hate man
This cry You beat upon my breast
It is my response that You subdue or eliminate
All those that from my love for You
They pull away
Yet what a strange thing You call us to be
In the presence of man, Your creation
A jealous God You are
Desiring all our love and devotion alone
But You also say we love You
by the love we give others
Don’t our fickle hearts pull us away?
To walk the line. Show me how
To do so with grace and not fall
My heart. Yours.
This is deep within
Nothing simple. Complex
Expose.
I wrote this two weeks ago during a time in which God truly began exposing my heart before myself in His light. What a journey it has been and continues to shape into…that my heart would be known to me in its fullness, from the mushy sides to the more firm, from the ghastly to the somewhat presentable, from the shallowness and to the depths. How incredibly humbling it is to me to see where I stand just in that on my own.
But there’s a far greater purpose to this, and that is though my heart may be known for what it is, may it be known in the light of God’s redemption and grace. That is the journey I continue on in.
I haven’t been able to speak nor think in the way I am used to because of the intense refining being done, because in that refining, I have been losing those very things. My words nor my thoughts are to be my own…and even still as I come to write this tonight, I struggle with depicting what God has been doing and teaching me, as it is a profound work in so many ways. I say this not to glorify myself in any way, but to fully bring praise to my God. See, it is only Him and I that truly know where my heart has laid and how it reasoned, dreamed, thought, loved…and it is only Him and I that know the fullness of which it has needed and continues to need redemption. This is the work of only my God.
What a ghastly sin it is to think I have any right to anything that is not my own. I was bought at the most precious price and still I think I am entitled to something? No, it must never be so. For how can I demand something more of a Savior who has already given me His all? That is infinite and will ever be enough, until this fleshly heart becomes unsatisfied, eating and drinking of something other than the bread and blood of life He came to give that we may never hunger nor thirst again. The fact that I am here living and breathing, able to praise my Savior should be more than enough for me. And when one looks upon all that I have been given by my God in incredible excess of that, my mouth should never cease of praising Him and it’s as if I should die on the spot because of the sheer excess! I have been given abundantly more than I could ever need or want. This excess could very well be a distraction and hindrance if I allow it to be so, but the purpose of it is that I may know my Lord ever more! The problem comes when I begin to possess these things He has given me. They become mine, in which I exercise ownership and control over. They become something in which I think I am entitled to and deserve. They become something subject to my own emotions and expectations, and when those are not catered to or met, then it is me that has been wronged. I become so blind in this plight of self ownership and entitlement of things that were never mine to begin with that I horrendously lose sight of the wrong I am doing to my Savior. In making anything I have or anything I have been given, I am no better than those who spit on Him as He walked through the crowd on His way to Calvary. In that, I am saying that the prospect of You dying and giving up Your life for my sake is pointless because I don’t need to be bought. And if I were to be bought, it would be at a much higher price than one of a simple “man.” The act of self-ownership seems rather simple and not incredibly “bad” (in the terms of the world) but what ruins it can bring to the heart and how it can lead it astray. For how can I expect to live fully for my Savior when I am living in any way for myself? There is no way to do so. It requires the complete denial of self and any self entitlement, any expectations and desires I have other than for the Lord Himself.
Another thing I so often fail to realize is that when I look at the Lord Himself, all else fades…nothing remains. If I were to look fully into His eyes and let His gaze pierce my heart, I’d be past the point of no return. There would be no question of wanting to leave or escape. If I were to allow Him to pull me aside from the crowd and put His hands on my face, I would realize how long I have been trying to escape His grip. It’s in that intimate act of Him grabbing my face that I would have to look into His eyes…and with that simple act, everything would change and nothing would remain. It’s an expose in every way. I remember growing up and even still to this day, when my dad would want me to hear him fully, he would do this very thing. He always knew when my heart was hurting or when I wasn’t able to hear or understand the truth until it was said perfectly clear in front of me with no distractions. He’d first pull me by the shoulders to get closer to him that I may not resist him any longer. Once I somewhat relented, he’d pull me closer still. I knew his gaze was ever upon me, piercing me still. It was never a gaze of anger or condemnation, but one of the purest love a father can have for his daughter. I resisted this gaze so adamantly so. I didn’t want to look into his eyes for I knew what it would bring. It would mean that I would have to leave the whole aspect of looking at myself in whatever way I was and to see myself in the way that he saw me. This is why he would put his hands on my face and bring my head up so I would have to look at him. My eyes would still avert him but he would continue to lure me in with his piercing gaze. He’d continue to soothe me until I could trust him that his gaze would not bring about something I couldn’t bear. Slowly my eyes would look him in his. And there he would always be, smiling, looking at me with the purest gaze of love I’ve seen, and speak the truth over me that needed to be said. He’d pull me out of the trap of self I was in when I was in too deep. He would speak to me and look at me until being in his arms and in his gaze was no longer an uncomfortable thing but an altogether natural one, one in which I could rest in the truth of his love for me. The love of a father for his children is incredibly unspeakable, and until just now I didn’t realize how beautiful of a picture God has given me growing up of His love for me…oh how He desires to pull my face in His hands that I may see His piercing gaze and know who I am in Him and nothing else! Unspeakably beautiful…
But as amazing as these pictures and common life experiences God speaks through to teach us things such as this, we must never take them to be the real thing. If we think that we can learn things of Christ through a common world experience without having any encounter with Him, we are incredibly wrong! There has been so much talk and thought lately about relationships and marriage. There is such an eagerness about to get engaged or be married, which I don’t believe is a bad thing in itself. The problem lies with other things pertaining to that; namely, that it hardly ever exists by itself. It comes with a plethora of other things because we are not content on waiting on God’s timing and preparation. We put ourselves in places we are not meant to be in. There are excuses made such as “we are in this place in order that God may stretch us” when it’s just a smokescreen for blindfolding oneself and walking into a trap known full well before the blindfold was chosen to be put on. We rush ahead of God and then wonder why He’s not rushing behind us in order to catch up. Our God is never early or late; He is not on our timetables. And surely He will not change Himself because we fail to be faithful. Rather, we must go through the probably painful process of being pulled back to where we should’ve been in the first place. We have to learn to walk in the correct pace again, with God as the leader and us as the followers. He leads. We follow. If that is in place, then everything changes. In that, we may then be lead into something that will stretch us; and the difference is that He led us…He led us, and we didn’t lead ourselves into it.
I was sitting for about four hours today in Solvang while my mom and her friend shopped. I sat outside watching people pass me by, and over and over again, I saw couples, either dating or married or whatever. To watch their interactions fascinated me. There’s such a variety in them that is only the result of our Creator God. But there was something greater that pulled at me. It is that it is created to be that there is male and female and that they are to be together. There’s such a beautiful union between two people in which they each come together in order to be one. We are made for these roles. It is something that I haven’t been doubting but rather questioning over the past couple of weeks. I see clearly now that the way God has created it to be is good. Granted, there aren’t a lot of good real life examples of such, but we look to creation.
In this there are two other things though. The couples I saw today in large part were married. There’s a commitment there and a union that has been made. Two parts have become one. That’s what happens as a result of marriage, and something that can only happen as a result of marriage. Without that vow and commitment, two parts cannot fully become one. I think we so often fool ourselves in “playing marriage,” and I think this definition needs to be expanded far beyond the traditional sense of living together before marriage. It’s when two people who are not married and are dating lose the individuality that God has given them because they try to become one unit before the time is right. It comes when they spend too much time together and lose sight of community. It comes when they become so in love and enamored with one another that they forget the love that Christ has first given them. Our love for others needs to look like hate in comparison to the love we have for God. It needs to look like hate in comparison to the love we have for God. I repeat this twice because it needs to be said more than once. We don’t get it, not just because it’s a hard concept to grasp, but because we aren’t willing to be taught. We aren’t willing to allow that gap to be made in learning what it means to love on those levels and in that way. If that isn’t learned before marriage, then how is it supposed to be learned during? There is such an urgency in the necessity of learning it before! We are forever bonded to Christ alone. Must we also neglect the fact that marriage is the picture of the love Christ has for the church? Marriage is so far greater than simply the love between two people given into a covenant, but it is a means in which God teaches our human hearts to understand one of the most divine mysteries. Let us not reduce it to human terms and limits. We are forever married to God.
There are many things such as marriage in which God gives us a picture in our lives to understand His divine mysteries better. The problem comes when we look to those pictures of things for all of the answers rather than to Christ alone. Though things such as marriage can teach us such incredible things about those divine mysteries, we can so easily neglect the fact that we can learn far more from the teacher. Would you learn more about the creation of the telephone and how it works from reading a book by Alexander Graham Bell or by talking to him in person, hearing his intent and creation straight from his mouth and mind? Such is true with Christ. To learn the lessons in which He desires to teach us, there is no better place to look to than to the teacher. Let us not underestimate those real life examples that He gives us, but let us surely not overestimate them either. In all things, let us look fully to our Lord.
The stretching is certainly not easy, but if we are firmly rooted, looking fully into the Lord, we will be able to do so… Today on the same bench as I watched the couples pass by, I was looking at the bushel of pansies sitting next to me when I saw a yellow caterpillar about an inch and a half long. He was crawling up the stems onto the yellow pansies when I first found him I took some pictures of him (which are to later be posted) and watched him a while. I was awed as God gave me a picture of what He’s been doing in me over this time. As the yellow caterpillar stretched himself precariously from the yellow flower to get to the purple one that laid in the distance, he had to trust that what he was clinging to would not fail him. Surely it didn’t, as his grip was steady and sure that he was able to stretch out further. He knew what he was clinging to.
And so am I in this time, similar to this yellow caterpillar. Oh how I am both being stretched and stretching myself in order that I may reach what God has for me both in this time and in the future. So often it seems precarious because there is absolutely nothing but God that can catch me if I fall, but that is the safest place to be. I know firmly what I am clinging to. I am confident that in the stretching God will catch me if when I fall. And how I praise Him that He is not dependant on my successes or my failures or anything of me that I could bring. Rather, He desires me to stretch and be stretched in order that I may know Him better and love Him more.
Such are the lofty prayers and inner workings of heart that have been occurring as of late…God is doing His work in the full in every way. Oh praise be to the One who has opened my eyes to see that He is the One and the Only! That I have no right to anything but everything is a gift given by Him! Though how piercing the light has been upon my heart, I praise Him that He is refining it into such that I love Him more…that He is pursuing me as a Father who desires me to know only His love for me…and that He is pursuing me as a Savior who desires me to know only His truth, only His way, only His presence, and only His miracles. For surely He pulls me away from the crowd to pull my face in His hands that I may see Him fully, that His commands may bring about full fruition. May His work be done in every way…
Ephphatha.
My heart. Yours.
Just You and me dear Lord.
What is deep within?
This way. I am
Created.
Yet You refine me like silver
A constant molding never ending
You say
Choose the better way.
If only there were words to express
This work that You do ever still
It would be simpler.
Not just a torrent in heart but
Words written on a page.
Somewhat clear. Maybe concise.
A means to understand
Yet it all remains within
A dialogue and interaction
With only You. My Lord.
You know the love I profess
This devotion of mine
The all I give to You.
But there is a lack. Still.
For You require nothing less.
Oh to love You but hate man
This cry You beat upon my breast
It is my response that You subdue or eliminate
All those that from my love for You
They pull away
Yet what a strange thing You call us to be
In the presence of man, Your creation
A jealous God You are
Desiring all our love and devotion alone
But You also say we love You
by the love we give others
Don’t our fickle hearts pull us away?
To walk the line. Show me how
To do so with grace and not fall
My heart. Yours.
This is deep within
Nothing simple. Complex
Expose.
I wrote this two weeks ago during a time in which God truly began exposing my heart before myself in His light. What a journey it has been and continues to shape into…that my heart would be known to me in its fullness, from the mushy sides to the more firm, from the ghastly to the somewhat presentable, from the shallowness and to the depths. How incredibly humbling it is to me to see where I stand just in that on my own.
But there’s a far greater purpose to this, and that is though my heart may be known for what it is, may it be known in the light of God’s redemption and grace. That is the journey I continue on in.
I haven’t been able to speak nor think in the way I am used to because of the intense refining being done, because in that refining, I have been losing those very things. My words nor my thoughts are to be my own…and even still as I come to write this tonight, I struggle with depicting what God has been doing and teaching me, as it is a profound work in so many ways. I say this not to glorify myself in any way, but to fully bring praise to my God. See, it is only Him and I that truly know where my heart has laid and how it reasoned, dreamed, thought, loved…and it is only Him and I that know the fullness of which it has needed and continues to need redemption. This is the work of only my God.
What a ghastly sin it is to think I have any right to anything that is not my own. I was bought at the most precious price and still I think I am entitled to something? No, it must never be so. For how can I demand something more of a Savior who has already given me His all? That is infinite and will ever be enough, until this fleshly heart becomes unsatisfied, eating and drinking of something other than the bread and blood of life He came to give that we may never hunger nor thirst again. The fact that I am here living and breathing, able to praise my Savior should be more than enough for me. And when one looks upon all that I have been given by my God in incredible excess of that, my mouth should never cease of praising Him and it’s as if I should die on the spot because of the sheer excess! I have been given abundantly more than I could ever need or want. This excess could very well be a distraction and hindrance if I allow it to be so, but the purpose of it is that I may know my Lord ever more! The problem comes when I begin to possess these things He has given me. They become mine, in which I exercise ownership and control over. They become something in which I think I am entitled to and deserve. They become something subject to my own emotions and expectations, and when those are not catered to or met, then it is me that has been wronged. I become so blind in this plight of self ownership and entitlement of things that were never mine to begin with that I horrendously lose sight of the wrong I am doing to my Savior. In making anything I have or anything I have been given, I am no better than those who spit on Him as He walked through the crowd on His way to Calvary. In that, I am saying that the prospect of You dying and giving up Your life for my sake is pointless because I don’t need to be bought. And if I were to be bought, it would be at a much higher price than one of a simple “man.” The act of self-ownership seems rather simple and not incredibly “bad” (in the terms of the world) but what ruins it can bring to the heart and how it can lead it astray. For how can I expect to live fully for my Savior when I am living in any way for myself? There is no way to do so. It requires the complete denial of self and any self entitlement, any expectations and desires I have other than for the Lord Himself.
Another thing I so often fail to realize is that when I look at the Lord Himself, all else fades…nothing remains. If I were to look fully into His eyes and let His gaze pierce my heart, I’d be past the point of no return. There would be no question of wanting to leave or escape. If I were to allow Him to pull me aside from the crowd and put His hands on my face, I would realize how long I have been trying to escape His grip. It’s in that intimate act of Him grabbing my face that I would have to look into His eyes…and with that simple act, everything would change and nothing would remain. It’s an expose in every way. I remember growing up and even still to this day, when my dad would want me to hear him fully, he would do this very thing. He always knew when my heart was hurting or when I wasn’t able to hear or understand the truth until it was said perfectly clear in front of me with no distractions. He’d first pull me by the shoulders to get closer to him that I may not resist him any longer. Once I somewhat relented, he’d pull me closer still. I knew his gaze was ever upon me, piercing me still. It was never a gaze of anger or condemnation, but one of the purest love a father can have for his daughter. I resisted this gaze so adamantly so. I didn’t want to look into his eyes for I knew what it would bring. It would mean that I would have to leave the whole aspect of looking at myself in whatever way I was and to see myself in the way that he saw me. This is why he would put his hands on my face and bring my head up so I would have to look at him. My eyes would still avert him but he would continue to lure me in with his piercing gaze. He’d continue to soothe me until I could trust him that his gaze would not bring about something I couldn’t bear. Slowly my eyes would look him in his. And there he would always be, smiling, looking at me with the purest gaze of love I’ve seen, and speak the truth over me that needed to be said. He’d pull me out of the trap of self I was in when I was in too deep. He would speak to me and look at me until being in his arms and in his gaze was no longer an uncomfortable thing but an altogether natural one, one in which I could rest in the truth of his love for me. The love of a father for his children is incredibly unspeakable, and until just now I didn’t realize how beautiful of a picture God has given me growing up of His love for me…oh how He desires to pull my face in His hands that I may see His piercing gaze and know who I am in Him and nothing else! Unspeakably beautiful…
But as amazing as these pictures and common life experiences God speaks through to teach us things such as this, we must never take them to be the real thing. If we think that we can learn things of Christ through a common world experience without having any encounter with Him, we are incredibly wrong! There has been so much talk and thought lately about relationships and marriage. There is such an eagerness about to get engaged or be married, which I don’t believe is a bad thing in itself. The problem lies with other things pertaining to that; namely, that it hardly ever exists by itself. It comes with a plethora of other things because we are not content on waiting on God’s timing and preparation. We put ourselves in places we are not meant to be in. There are excuses made such as “we are in this place in order that God may stretch us” when it’s just a smokescreen for blindfolding oneself and walking into a trap known full well before the blindfold was chosen to be put on. We rush ahead of God and then wonder why He’s not rushing behind us in order to catch up. Our God is never early or late; He is not on our timetables. And surely He will not change Himself because we fail to be faithful. Rather, we must go through the probably painful process of being pulled back to where we should’ve been in the first place. We have to learn to walk in the correct pace again, with God as the leader and us as the followers. He leads. We follow. If that is in place, then everything changes. In that, we may then be lead into something that will stretch us; and the difference is that He led us…He led us, and we didn’t lead ourselves into it.
I was sitting for about four hours today in Solvang while my mom and her friend shopped. I sat outside watching people pass me by, and over and over again, I saw couples, either dating or married or whatever. To watch their interactions fascinated me. There’s such a variety in them that is only the result of our Creator God. But there was something greater that pulled at me. It is that it is created to be that there is male and female and that they are to be together. There’s such a beautiful union between two people in which they each come together in order to be one. We are made for these roles. It is something that I haven’t been doubting but rather questioning over the past couple of weeks. I see clearly now that the way God has created it to be is good. Granted, there aren’t a lot of good real life examples of such, but we look to creation.
In this there are two other things though. The couples I saw today in large part were married. There’s a commitment there and a union that has been made. Two parts have become one. That’s what happens as a result of marriage, and something that can only happen as a result of marriage. Without that vow and commitment, two parts cannot fully become one. I think we so often fool ourselves in “playing marriage,” and I think this definition needs to be expanded far beyond the traditional sense of living together before marriage. It’s when two people who are not married and are dating lose the individuality that God has given them because they try to become one unit before the time is right. It comes when they spend too much time together and lose sight of community. It comes when they become so in love and enamored with one another that they forget the love that Christ has first given them. Our love for others needs to look like hate in comparison to the love we have for God. It needs to look like hate in comparison to the love we have for God. I repeat this twice because it needs to be said more than once. We don’t get it, not just because it’s a hard concept to grasp, but because we aren’t willing to be taught. We aren’t willing to allow that gap to be made in learning what it means to love on those levels and in that way. If that isn’t learned before marriage, then how is it supposed to be learned during? There is such an urgency in the necessity of learning it before! We are forever bonded to Christ alone. Must we also neglect the fact that marriage is the picture of the love Christ has for the church? Marriage is so far greater than simply the love between two people given into a covenant, but it is a means in which God teaches our human hearts to understand one of the most divine mysteries. Let us not reduce it to human terms and limits. We are forever married to God.
There are many things such as marriage in which God gives us a picture in our lives to understand His divine mysteries better. The problem comes when we look to those pictures of things for all of the answers rather than to Christ alone. Though things such as marriage can teach us such incredible things about those divine mysteries, we can so easily neglect the fact that we can learn far more from the teacher. Would you learn more about the creation of the telephone and how it works from reading a book by Alexander Graham Bell or by talking to him in person, hearing his intent and creation straight from his mouth and mind? Such is true with Christ. To learn the lessons in which He desires to teach us, there is no better place to look to than to the teacher. Let us not underestimate those real life examples that He gives us, but let us surely not overestimate them either. In all things, let us look fully to our Lord.
The stretching is certainly not easy, but if we are firmly rooted, looking fully into the Lord, we will be able to do so… Today on the same bench as I watched the couples pass by, I was looking at the bushel of pansies sitting next to me when I saw a yellow caterpillar about an inch and a half long. He was crawling up the stems onto the yellow pansies when I first found him I took some pictures of him (which are to later be posted) and watched him a while. I was awed as God gave me a picture of what He’s been doing in me over this time. As the yellow caterpillar stretched himself precariously from the yellow flower to get to the purple one that laid in the distance, he had to trust that what he was clinging to would not fail him. Surely it didn’t, as his grip was steady and sure that he was able to stretch out further. He knew what he was clinging to.
And so am I in this time, similar to this yellow caterpillar. Oh how I am both being stretched and stretching myself in order that I may reach what God has for me both in this time and in the future. So often it seems precarious because there is absolutely nothing but God that can catch me if I fall, but that is the safest place to be. I know firmly what I am clinging to. I am confident that in the stretching God will catch me if when I fall. And how I praise Him that He is not dependant on my successes or my failures or anything of me that I could bring. Rather, He desires me to stretch and be stretched in order that I may know Him better and love Him more.
Such are the lofty prayers and inner workings of heart that have been occurring as of late…God is doing His work in the full in every way. Oh praise be to the One who has opened my eyes to see that He is the One and the Only! That I have no right to anything but everything is a gift given by Him! Though how piercing the light has been upon my heart, I praise Him that He is refining it into such that I love Him more…that He is pursuing me as a Father who desires me to know only His love for me…and that He is pursuing me as a Savior who desires me to know only His truth, only His way, only His presence, and only His miracles. For surely He pulls me away from the crowd to pull my face in His hands that I may see Him fully, that His commands may bring about full fruition. May His work be done in every way…
Ephphatha.
Monday, October 15, 2007
"The Art of Losing Myself"
"You above all else, my purpose remains. The art of losing myself to bring You praise. Everlasting. Your light will shine when all else fades..." From the Inside Out, Hillsong.
The art of losing myself... a strange thing to call an art, but it is one nevertheless. There's such an intricacy woven into the art of losing oneself in the presence of God. To possess nothing of his/her own but to truly and fully be His in this moment and forever. It is such a complex thing that I cannot wrap my mind about the work that God is doing within me as of late. I see the change and feel the change. I think on the outside it may appear subtle, but I know the measure to which God has been changing it because it's been solely me and Him. It's been Him getting to and refining the areas of which only He sees, knows, and understands. There's something drastic in it all.
But there is no preparation for no purpose. I know there's such a tremendous purpose in this all and I await to see what it entails...
"I am Yours wholly and completely, Dear Lord. May the art of losing myself to bring You praise remain the cry of my heart and the end to which I pursue. I have been predestined by You, called by name...'Consecrated to God.' May I be forever consecrated to You. May the purposes You have for me be fulfilled. May You be forever revealed and revered."
The art of losing myself... a strange thing to call an art, but it is one nevertheless. There's such an intricacy woven into the art of losing oneself in the presence of God. To possess nothing of his/her own but to truly and fully be His in this moment and forever. It is such a complex thing that I cannot wrap my mind about the work that God is doing within me as of late. I see the change and feel the change. I think on the outside it may appear subtle, but I know the measure to which God has been changing it because it's been solely me and Him. It's been Him getting to and refining the areas of which only He sees, knows, and understands. There's something drastic in it all.
But there is no preparation for no purpose. I know there's such a tremendous purpose in this all and I await to see what it entails...
"I am Yours wholly and completely, Dear Lord. May the art of losing myself to bring You praise remain the cry of my heart and the end to which I pursue. I have been predestined by You, called by name...'Consecrated to God.' May I be forever consecrated to You. May the purposes You have for me be fulfilled. May You be forever revealed and revered."
Friday, October 12, 2007
Emotional Creature
I was at work today sitting down at one of the computers when two flies continued to circle my head and body as they circled one another. It seemed a game of sorts, like tag between flies. However, this aspect I realized in retrospect. Both flies landed and I swiftly killed one with a clipboard and the other left. I didn't see that one again, at least, he didn't bother me anymore. It was a temporary satisfaction until the thought of the fact I perhaps killed the living fly's playmate or something saddened me and filled me with regret. I told one of the guys I work with that thought, and he replied that the flies only live for a week so it can't really be lonely. I then remembered that the flies don't have the brains we do among many other things...
I remember something my Art History professor said a couple of weeks ago quite clearly. She believes in some principles of Buddhism if not all of it, and was talking about how in her past lives, she believes she was an abuser of animals because in her present life she can't bear to see any animal even touched in a harmful way. In the midst of the fly incident, I thought of her and what her reaction would've been. When she told us that a couple of weeks ago, I empathied greatly with the aspect of not bearing to see any harm come to animals or people of any kind.
It amazes me how God created us with such emotions and thoughts that we have. The intensity of which I feel the plethora of emotions in my life has always struck me. I think because of that intensity, I parallel other creatures to have the same thinking process and emotional response I do, even things as ridiculous as flies. They certainly do not have the same functions we do in that capacity. Humans are the only creatures who can emotionally process and think in the way that we do. Jesus came to save the human race, not the race of the flies or any other animal. We are the only creatures who are able to relate and experience God in the closest fullness possible.
My best friend Elise said something really wise to me last week. God has placed things and people in our lives in order that through them we would know Him and love Him better. I think I even wrote about this in my last blog. It's such a profound thought to me that I continue to try to wrap my mind around it. God continues to open my eyes to such things it entails. And today I find myself thinking about how through our emotions and responses, I am better able to see and experience God's heart. Through the intensity of which He has created me as an emotional creature, I am able to know Him better and love Him more. That is cool.
And though the fruit flies are nothing in comparison to the creation God has done in humans, I think next time I will thinki twice about killing them simply because they are an annoyance. Though rationally I know they don't have the same intellect or heart I do, it still hits me a bit...because of who God has created me to be, I just can't simply kill a fly because I don't like it...there's a deeper sense and awareness there in me... that fly had a friend. I empathize too greatly with the principle of the thing rather than the fact of the matter. Sometimes that can be a downfall, but in all essence, it is how my Creator made me, and I will regard it as such.
Though there are times in which the intensity of emotion I feel seems too much to bear, I praise God that I may know Him better in it all...that I may draw near to His heart. He is more than adequate to carry it for me.
But here's my rational thought for the night: "Lord, I am glad I am a human, and not a fly."
I remember something my Art History professor said a couple of weeks ago quite clearly. She believes in some principles of Buddhism if not all of it, and was talking about how in her past lives, she believes she was an abuser of animals because in her present life she can't bear to see any animal even touched in a harmful way. In the midst of the fly incident, I thought of her and what her reaction would've been. When she told us that a couple of weeks ago, I empathied greatly with the aspect of not bearing to see any harm come to animals or people of any kind.
It amazes me how God created us with such emotions and thoughts that we have. The intensity of which I feel the plethora of emotions in my life has always struck me. I think because of that intensity, I parallel other creatures to have the same thinking process and emotional response I do, even things as ridiculous as flies. They certainly do not have the same functions we do in that capacity. Humans are the only creatures who can emotionally process and think in the way that we do. Jesus came to save the human race, not the race of the flies or any other animal. We are the only creatures who are able to relate and experience God in the closest fullness possible.
My best friend Elise said something really wise to me last week. God has placed things and people in our lives in order that through them we would know Him and love Him better. I think I even wrote about this in my last blog. It's such a profound thought to me that I continue to try to wrap my mind around it. God continues to open my eyes to such things it entails. And today I find myself thinking about how through our emotions and responses, I am better able to see and experience God's heart. Through the intensity of which He has created me as an emotional creature, I am able to know Him better and love Him more. That is cool.
And though the fruit flies are nothing in comparison to the creation God has done in humans, I think next time I will thinki twice about killing them simply because they are an annoyance. Though rationally I know they don't have the same intellect or heart I do, it still hits me a bit...because of who God has created me to be, I just can't simply kill a fly because I don't like it...there's a deeper sense and awareness there in me... that fly had a friend. I empathize too greatly with the principle of the thing rather than the fact of the matter. Sometimes that can be a downfall, but in all essence, it is how my Creator made me, and I will regard it as such.
Though there are times in which the intensity of emotion I feel seems too much to bear, I praise God that I may know Him better in it all...that I may draw near to His heart. He is more than adequate to carry it for me.
But here's my rational thought for the night: "Lord, I am glad I am a human, and not a fly."
Sunday, October 07, 2007
That I May Know Him More...
I went to Montana de Oro this afternoon for a needed getaway to be still before my God. This has always been a place where I have run to in some way or another but also a place where every time I leave I walk away firmer in God's grip than I was when I first got there. The same was true of today.
I sat there for over an hour doing absolutely nothing but sitting in the presence of my Lord. The torrent of time that has had me in its grasp as of late seemed to slip away even if just for a bit. The odd thing is that I know I am fully where I need to be in the pace of time in this season; yet what a blessing it is to be able to be still before the One who has created me.
I've been unable to describe how I've been as of late in typical terms. But in all actuality, the answer is really as simple as this: I am firmly in my Father's grasp which is exactly where I need to be. I am one who is being refined like silver in the fire; constantly being shaped and molded. Life is never easy anymore. Every moment requires me to give more and more of myself, leading to my all. There's nothing better than that, but definitely nothing harder. I'm so incredibly thankful that through all of this He may be glorified. The things I do and what I am learning is nothing of myself; my flesh is futile. I'm also incredibly thankful that through all circumstances God brings me through, I may be able to know Him better...
Isn't that the point of this life here on Earth anyway? That I may know Him better and love Him more? Through those things my actions will be motivated to such a point in which I am glorifying Him without a conscious action; it is simply flowing as an overflow of the Spirit.
I've been learning that over this past week. I've also been in such a place when I have questioned why I am in the place I am in and if those things keep me from being in the right position with God. This includes people, ministry, school, etc. It's easy to forget and neglect the fact that these things were created and given by God in order that we may in that, know Him better as well. I recognize the fact that my God is a jealous God, desiring my love and affection...but I now realize that I do love Him through other people and the things I do. If done with a heart of praise and worship, may I glorify Him and grow to love Him more.
Because isn't that the point?
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Coming to Fruition
"...You are Israel's teacher," said Jesus, "and do you not understand these things? 11 I tell you the truth, we speak of what we know, and we testify to what we have seen, but still you people do not accept our testimony. 12 I have spoken to you of earthly things and you do not believe; how then will you believe if I speak of heavenly things?" (John 3:10-12).
This morning I was continuing my study of John and found that this above passage struck me in a new way. Jesus is speaking to one of the head Pharisees about what it means to be born again, and still the Pharisee doesn't understand. Though he was brought up with a knowledge of the Word and the prophecies in which Jesus fulfilled, still he didn't get it or understand, or perhaps didn't readily accept it. I was convicted of the fact that we so often forget what God has said He would do or has done. The Pharisee didn't understand that prophecy had been fulfilled through Jesus and the Spirit, even though it should've been clear to him as it was right in front of his eyes.
Our God is incredibly big. All that we have seen is just a sliver of what He will do. And still we forget that. I know I do. And when the time comes that God speaks of big things and begins to fulfill them, it's like I am hesistant to believe to some degree because it either is past my level of present comprehension or it seems too good to be true. There is no reason for me not to believe that these things could come into fruition. God has never not been fully Himself in every aspect. God is always bigger than any box that I may currently try to keep Him in. I should always understand that my God will be fully Himself in every way...and that is incredible!
The things that God speaks come to fruition if we are willing to lay down ourselves and what we think best, possible, or able to do. All of those will surely be surpassed. Just as God spoke to Joshua numerous times to "be strong and courageous," so those commands came into fruition as he later commands it of his people. God is surely faithful in preparation for what He wishes to bring about and do, and His influence extends far beyond one man. The result of God speaking to Joshua influenced all the men of Israel, as he passed on what God had spoken to his men, and the result of that affected entire Kingdoms, and then onward to the entire world and all time. I'm amazed that it only took the obedience of one man to heed the words God spoke to affect an infinite amount of people and purposes. Things that seem impassable God does command, but He clears the way. Our God fights for us, and is with us wherever we go.
May we be willing to heed what He speaks to us, trusting that it will come about in full fruition. God speaks what we see and what we know.
"Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. 7 Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. 8 Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. 9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go" (Joshua 1:6-9).
"Joshua said to them, "Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Be strong and courageous." (Joshua 10:25).
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