Show Me How to Walk

There is so much that weighs heavily on my heart...

Could it be that I am running ahead
Or could it be that I am crawling behind
When you have called me to simply walk?
I see the beginning of the path you have laid
But I don’t know how to walk this road
I look to you, my saving grace
And pray You will show me to walk in the way You desire
Lord I am fully broken and unable
These tears that roll down my face testify so
I desire Your holiness and fullness above all else
But I keep looking around
I don’t know how to count all but loss for the sake of knowing You
And not leave any severe ramifications behind
So foreign is everything You are calling me to do
Nothing is the same
You have called me to trust in You and let You ordain
And I know I have not fully surrendered
I fear You.
I fear what You will do in the full surrender
I fear the unexpected and uncertainty of walking by faith
I am not to feel the weight of the world upon my shoulders
I am not to bear the sins of others
For that is what You came to do
How do I shun this responsibility that I’ve always bore
And have no worries that You are more than sufficient for bearing it all?
Lord I am fully broken and unable
These tears that roll down my face testify so.
I am lost and fully alone without You to guide my heart
Without You to light my path
I see the beginning of this path
But I don’t know how to walk this road
I cry out to You, my everything
And pray You will show me how to walk this road

Memories, Images, and Glimpses

I know what it is to run and I know what it is to hide
I know what it is to hurt and I know how it is to cry
I know what it is to fail and I know how to retreat inside

But these are memories of a distant life

I know what it is to trip and I know how it is to fall
I know what it is to stretch and I know how to call
I know what it is to hold on and I know what it is to surrender my all

But these are memories of a passing life

I know what it is to speak and I’m learning how to be still
I know how it is to be empty and I’m learning how to be filled
I know how to trust in God and I’m learning to surrender to His sovereign will

Yet these are images of a present life

I’m learning not to be in control and I will learn to fully yield
I’m learning of His healing and I will learn that it will consume me still
I’m learning to fall in love and I will learn the deepness of His love that completely fills

Yet these are images of a future life

I will learn what it is to go and I will see His people returned
I will learn what it is to worship and I will see a love that burns
I will learn what it is to be His and I will find a passion that yearns

And these are glimpses of eternity

Won't You Give In?

You dream of things bigger than life itself
Yet come to find that life has let you down
You lift your hands in desperation
Only to find that in your misery you drown

I can see that you’re beginning to look at the light
I can see that the truth is washing you inside
I can see a man beginning to surrender
Surrender his whole life

He is beckoning, drawing you in
To a place more tempting and sweet than you’ve ever been
Light and love are coming, Christ is penetrating within
Won’t You give in?
Come to know the One who bore our sin?

Your arguments that once were aplenty now are few
The resilience in denying is beginning to fade
You are beginning to accept the cost of love itself
You’re getting a touch of endless grace

I can see that you’re no longer condemning
I can see that you know you’ve tried
I can see a fire beginning to stir so deep
So deep inside

He is beckoning, drawing you in
To a place more tempting and sweet than you’ve ever been
Light and love are coming, Christ is penetrating within
Won’t You give in?
Come to know the One who bore our sin?

Bridge: Look to His face, be washed in the marvelous light. Hold your breath, you’re going deep inside. Out you will come washed clean, and there you will see. In His face, endless grace, love such a mystery

Audience of One

You know...I was going to blog tonight. But it is not the question of whether or not to blog, I find it to be who am I writing for? Am I writing for an audience of One, or for many?

I am not supposed to answer those questions tonight. God is quiet in His love, and I will rest in Him, as I have been. It's sweet. It's simple.

Even in the midst of thoughts, that's how it should be. I will rest in Him alone, and let my quietness speak until and if He dictates otherwise.

He alone is worthy, and He deserves my audience. Praise be to Him alone.

"14 Shout for joy, O daughter of Zion! Shout in triumph, O Israel! Rejoice and exult with all your heart, O daughter of Jerusalem! 15 The LORD has taken away His judgments against you, He has cleared away your enemies. The King of Israel, the LORD, is in your midst; You will fear disaster no more. 16 In that day it will be said to Jerusalem: "Do not be afraid, O Zion; Do not let your hands fall limp. 17 "The LORD your God is in your midst, A victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy. 18 "I will gather those who grieve about the appointed feasts-- They came from you, O Zion; The reproach of exile is a burden on them. 19 "Behold, I am going to deal at that time With all your oppressors, I will save the lame And gather the outcast, And I will turn their shame into praise and renown In all the earth. 20 "At that time I will bring you in, Even at the time when I gather you together; Indeed, I will give you renown and praise Among all the peoples of the earth, When I restore your fortunes before your eyes," Says the LORD." Zephaniah 3:14-20

View from Above

Oh Lord, my God, You reign forever
In the highest of heights and depths of the sea
Your love envelopes my heart
Like a blanket of fog embracing the mighty oceans
From the peaceful hues of blues to the penetrating crimson red
Your majesty is displayed for all to see
The hills roll on while the seas roar on
While still humbled by your splendor
Oh Lord my God, You are in Heaven
And I am but a mere speck on earth
Your presence moves me beyond comprehension
Stirs up my heart into one of praise
Therefore I will bow down and worship you
And humble my heart so my words may be few
Oh Lord my God, there is none like You

Roots

"Yet suffer me to speak unto Thy mercy, me, dust, and ashes. Yet suffer me to speak, since I speak to Thy mercy, and not to scornful man. Thou too, perhaps, despisest me, yet wilt Thou return and have compassion upon me. For what would I say, O Lord my God, but that I know not whence I came into this dying life (shall I call it?) or living death. Then immediately did the comforts of Thy compassion take me up, as I heard (for I remember it not) from the parents of my flesh, out of whose substance Thou didst sometime fashion me. Thus there received me the comforts of woman's milk. For neither my mother nor my nurses stored their own breasts for me; but Thou didst bestow the food of my infancy through them, according to Thine ordinace, wherby Thou distributest Thy riches through the hidden springs of all things. Thou also gavest to me to desire no more than what Thou gavest; and to my nurses willingly to give me what Thou gavest them. For they, with a heaven taught affection, willingly gave me, what they abounded with from Thee. For this my good from them, was good for them. Nor, indeed, from them was it, but through them; for from Thee, O God, are all good things, and from God is all my health. This I since learned, Thou, through these Thy gifts, within me and without, proclaiming Thyself unto me. For then I knew but to suck; to repose in what pleased, and cry at what offended my flesh, and nothing more.

Afterwards I began to smile; first in sleep, then waking; for so it was told of me of myself, and I believed it; for we see the like in other infants, though of myself I remember it not. Thus, little by little, I became conscious where I was; and to have a wish to express my wishes to those who could content them, and I could not; for the wishes were within me, and they without; nor could they by any sense of theirs enter within my spirit. So I flung about at random limbs and voice, making the few signs I could, and such as I could, like, though in truth very little like, what I wished. And when I was not presently obeyed, (my wishes being hurtful or unintelligible,) then I was indignant with my elders for not submitting to me, with those owing me no service, for not serving me; and avenged myself on them by tears. Such have I learnt infants to be from observing them; and, that I was myself such, they, all unconscious, have shwen me better than my nurses who knew it.

And lo! My infancy died long since, and I live. But Thou, Lord, who for ever livest, and in whom nothing dies; for before the foundation of the worlds, and before all that can be called 'before,' Thou art, and art God and Lord of all which Thou has created: in Thee abide, fixed forever, the first causes of all things unabiding; and of all things changeable, the springs abide in Thee unchangeable; and in Thee live the eternal reasons of all things unreasoning and temporal. Say, Lord, to me, Thy suppliant; say, all pitying, to me, Thy pitiable one; say, did my infancy succeed another age of mine that died before it? Was it that which I spent within my mother's womb? for of that i have heard somewhat, and have myself seen women with child? And what before that life again, O God my joy, was I any where or any body? For this have I none to tell me, neither father nor mother, nor experience of others, nor mine own memory. Dost Thou mock me for asking this, and bid me praise Thee and acknowledge Thee, for that I do know?

I acknowledge Thee, Lord of heaven and earth, and praise Thee for my first rudiments of being, and my infancy, whereof I remember nothing; for Thou hast appointed that man should from others guess much as to himself; and believe much on the strength of weak females. Even then I had being and life, and (at my infancy's close) I could seek for signs, wherby to make known to others my sensations. Whence could such a being be, save from Thee, Lord? Shall any be his own artificer? Or can there elsewhere be derived any vein, which may stream essence and life into us, save from Thee, O Lord, in whom essence and life are one? For Thou thyself art supremely essence and life. For Thou art most high and art not changed, neither in Thee doth today come to a close; yet in Thee doth it come to a close; because all such things also are in Thee. For they had no way to pass away, unless Thou upheldes them. And since Thy years fail not, Thy years are one today. How many of ours and our father's years have flowed away through Thy today, and from it received the measure and the mould of such being as they had; and still others shall flow away, and so receive the mold of their degree of being. Thou art still the same, and all things of tomorrow, and all beyond, and all of yesterday, and all behind it, thou has done today. What is it to me, though any comprehend not this? Let him also rejoice and say, 'what thing is this?' Let him rejoice even thus; and be content rather by not discovering to discover thee, than by discovering not to discover thee."

St. Augustine's Confessions 7-10

Carrying in the Silence

So Won't You Let Him Carry You
I can feel the pain of your soul in anguish
Fighting so hard against the truth
And into your desolation you sink further deeper
You lie there in the shadows, covered by a robe
In the darkness you linger still

You've heard that grace is knocking at your door
You find yourself empty looking for more
You can hide inside as long as you desire
But look at yourself, see you're weary and tired
And if you won't open the door now
Would you take a look through the peephole and see who is waiting for you?

In Christ alone can all things be found
He is abundant for every want and need
In only Him can peace be found
He is more than enough if you will choose to see

So won't you let Him carry you
Carry you away from the depths of your angst
So won't you let Him carry you
Carry you from the presence of your pain
So won't you let Him carry you
Carry you away
So won't you let Him carry you
Carry you away?


I wrote these words as I was in the emergency room with one of my friends, Kalen. The Spirit poured from me as I wrote, describing everything I was feeling during that time. As I felt part of his battle as he slept while letting the pain medicine kick in, I found myself amazed at what people go and put themselves through without Christ. I have not been as exhausted as I am now in a very long time. This is what he has been going through day in and out. I pray that he will surrender and find in Christ a peace that can only be found in Him. It's so hard to watch him keep fighting and refusing grace.

And overall, I find myself so utterly thankful and in praise for what God is doing and how faithful He is in every aspect. He has answered every prayer in the best way. I look back to the past couple of months and realize I missed the ways He was faithful because I didn't choose to look. He is faithful over and over again. I am so utterly blessed. I don't have to go on this road that we call life alone; I have Him by my side!

I praise Him for this newfound simplicity in my life. My words are becoming much fewer. That is good. It is due time for me to be quiet and let Him work! All praise and glory go to Him, and it has nothing to do with myself. That is so good. After all, as my friend Paul puts it, I am a "foolish, frivolous, and forgiven failure found-in-Christ." I like it that way. God is in Heaven, I am on earth. I will let my words be few.

For Your Glory

There is a time to live, there is a time to die
there is a time to laugh, there is a time to cry
there is a time to dance, a time for joy's embrace
and in all seasons God, we humbly seek Your face
This is our offering to You
This is our offering

Chorus
Everything I am is for Your glory
Everything I am for You alone
Everything I am is for Your glory
Everything I am for You alone

There is a time to sow, there is a time to reap
A time for victory, a time to claim defeat
a time to be renewed, a time to be reborn
And in all seasons God, we bow before Your throne

Bridge
The earth stands still without You
And we could only move because You made us to
The world is nothing without You
And we could only love because You made us to

Matt Maher, 2006, Performed by Phillips, Craig and Dean

Looking for Love?

“May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Proverbs 5:18).

I would say that the last two months or so have been rather quiet in writing and thinking somewhat. God has been teaching me much about the heart—mine, His, and others’. In the quietness of late I have been learning to be still and simply be in His presence, without a multitude of thoughts running rampant through my mind. Though these can be edifying, they also have the potential to be distracting. I’ve been learning that my wisdom is not my own by any means; it is fully and completely from God. God has taken it away to an extent, and only at such times like tonight do I feel led to write. It is good to know that it is not of myself and only of Him. Because I am being led to write, I will do so. I pray these words are not of me and solely of Him.

For as long as I can remember, I have had such a desire and longing to be married to the man of my dreams. I am confident it is a God-given desire. However, for a long time also, I thought that once I was in a relationship or was married, there would be a completion to my life, to who I am. God brought John into my life last year in a complete yet utterly wonderful surprise. Our friendship grew quickly and deeply last year as well as our affection for one another. Towards the end of the school year, he voiced to me that God was leading him to pursue a relationship with me, and I echoed that sentiment. The timing of that I was blind to at the time and attempted to understand, for I was going on Summer Project with Crusade in Santa Monica for two and a half months, which meant I wouldn’t see him for that duration of time as well. Looking back I now understand that it was necessary for God to give me a glimpse of what was to come before one of the critical lessons He would teach me that summer.

That lesson is that I don’t need John. I don’t need him. What I thought would be this beautiful completion to my life actually happened apart from him. Through His beautiful ways, God showed me that He is abundantly more than I could ever want and need, and all my completion is found in Christ. The relationship with John that God was bringing is not the end of everything important in my life, because it is not the final puzzle piece put in place. Rather, it is the beginning of a life-long journey in which God chooses to provide in amazing ways through John and to mirror His own pursuit of us. If I chose or choose to look to John to provide in ways that only Christ can, he will crumble under the pressure and I will be left empty, for there are some things only Christ can do. Such is the necessity of living by the Spirit to determine these things.

After summer project and returning home, John voiced his intention to pursue me and the relationship that God was calling us to wait on until after project. And thus, “the relationship” began. Would I say that the past almost three months have been easy? I would not. God has stripped each of us bare of everything we have known individually, so we have been dealing with that and trying to build our relationship on top of that. There have been struggles, tears, and hard lessons seemingly piled on top of one another. But I look to it as the refining fire that God brings us through, in which the grass, chaff, and jewels are thrown in. The things that are temporary such as the chaff and grass burn away, but the jewels are refined and come out more beautiful than before. I’ve been seeing the beginning glances of jewels and it’s quite beautiful. And as hard as this time has been in a lot of ways, I remain in full praise for it. It is through this time that we have found Christ to be the foundation of both our individual lives and our life together.

Yet, it is still so interesting in what God chooses to teach in the midst of this. Many times before have I read Paul’s words about celibacy and have never understood them until now. Now that I am in a relationship, I do understand them.

“I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs-how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and Spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:32-35).

As followers of Christ, our only concern should ideally be how we can please Him. The last thing I would say is that I have displayed this at some point in my life, because I haven’t. As I said earlier, I have always had a longing to be married. But is it easier to be devoted to the Lord if you are single? I would say yes. In the time that I have known John, his presence in my life has increased, especially his presence in my mind and heart. I would even venture to say that that fact has been a bit scary at times. About a month ago, God strongly convicted me to be continually praying that my relationship with Him and my relationship with John would each have their proper places in my life. I am no longer single, and with that, my attention is divided between John and the Lord.

And I will be very honest here: I regret how I spent my time being single. I was consumed with the prospect of marriage long before I ever should have been. In the time in which I could’ve been solely devoted to the Lord and had an undivided interest in Him, I wasn’t. I was constantly consumed by what was to come in the future that I missed out on the level of intimacy I could’ve had with Him in the present. It also comes back to the seemingly unending struggle to embrace the current season and not to play the waiting game, looking to what is to come. I missed out. That isn’t something I can get back in the same way now.

But do I regret no longer being single? I don’t. Do I feel guilty for not being single? To that, no also. For as Paul also explains, celibacy is a spiritual gift, and few have it.

“I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: it is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am” (1 Cor 7:7-8).

Each man has his own gift from God, and sometimes celibacy is one of them, as Paul had. Yet it is not one that everyone, or even many people have. God calls few to a life of celibacy, for it requires voluntarily being single without regret and being able to serve the Lord without distraction. Paul also says that “each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him” (1 Cor 7:17). That means embracing what God has called us to do and the circumstances He has placed us in, and for me, that means a life with marriage. I praise God that I will one day be married, because I can’t imagine a life without a man, namely John, by my side. I am thankful I don’t have to go on this road alone. There is great purpose in me no longer being single. However, I am also thankful that God has allowed me to see what an unwavering devotion to Him should look like, and how there is so much truth in what Paul wrote.


In our society today, there is definitely a warped view of what relationships look like and are. So often I find myself grieving at these statements, beliefs, and actions, because what is not realized is how much is being missed out on. If God is the giver of greatest blessings, why don’t we wait on Him and allow Him to give when He sees it fit? If He knows us better than we know ourselves, why do we take the timing and people of relationships into our own hands, thinking that we can put a square peg through a round hole, and that somehow, it will work? I could go on and on about this, but I will refrain. Basically after seeing and experiencing how good a relationship is because it’s of God makes me grieve for those who don’t or aren’t willing to wait on Him. People let themselves be completely consumed by a significant other and make their entire world revolve around that person rather than Christ. So often it sets them up to fall and be scarred in the process. We are a dynamic people, called to do different things. As Christians, we must not neglect the ministry we have in our lives because we are looking to “a one” rather than “The One.” As I will explain later on, there is so much we can learn from the pursuit of one another in a romantic relationship, one leading to marriage. Yet, I would think that anyone would honestly say that they desire their relationships to be the best they can be, three-dimensional rather than two. I find that through my other relationships with people and the things I do apart from my relationship with John only teaches me more in how to love him and most importantly, point to Christ.

John and I continue to find our relationship contrary to the world, and that is what we desire.

“He who finds a wife finds what is good, and receives favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22).
This verse, along with so many others I have read, only solidifies the fact that this relationship is good. God did a major overhaul in both of us for us to accept and enter this relationship with one another. To put it simply, it is completely from and of God that we are together, and not of ourselves. It is good that we are together. I believe God is smiling upon it. When God is the consummation of our hearts, we are able to love each other more and most importantly, love Him more.

“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his flesh. This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (1 Corinthians 5:22-33).

Now here comes a verse in which I think possesses so much of God’s heart in human relationships. A male and female relationship is only to be a mirror of Christ’s relationship with His bride, the Church. As we submit to Christ, so women should submit to their husbands, for they are to be the head, just as Christ is the head of the Church. One thing I want to make clear in my study of this passage is that Christ’s relationship is not the mirror of our human relationships. He is the source, and all things come from Him and point back to Him, every aspect of our lives. One thing I know women have so much of a problem with is the aspect of being commanded to be submissive to our husbands. I think the thing that is missed so much in this passage is that we are to be submissive to them, but they are to love us as they love themselves and Christ loved the church. They are to give themselves up for us to make us holy and present us in that way. It goes both ways. I believe if we truly heed the Word and desire to do what it speaks of, we will find ourselves living the Spirit-filled life with extreme blessing. But, we must be willing. We must be willing to let the truth transform our hearts and lives, and rely not on what we see in the world and what other things we may think to be true.

And what a blessing it has been to begin to walk in this truth. For those of you who know me well, you know that I am a natural leader and am used to being strong or at least putting on the appearance of it. A huge thing I have been learning over the last few months is how to be truly vulnerable and submissive. It has been difficult to say the least, because I have been much more vulnerable to spiritual attack with that. I have been learning it in two different aspects; one with John and the other with Christ. They have been very closely parallel to one another. Yet all difficult things that are of Christ bring beauty, and I have been finding that with this lesson as well. It has been sweet to not be a leader for once and learn how to truly let Christ as well as John lead. I am a woman, and I desire that John may be won over by my “submission to him so that he may be won over without words by my behavior when he sees the purity and reverence of my life…when my beauty does not come from outward adornment but of my inner self, a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight” (1 Peter 3:1-4 paraphrase). I also pray that it is not just John who is “won” over by this in a sense, because those qualities are the ones of a Christ-filled woman. How great can her influence be to those around her, especially those hurting, perishing, or dying…and this has been a lesson of learning to not just be a Godly person, but a Godly woman... “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life” (Prov 31:10-12).

I praise God for being the consummation of my heart. His love is better than life! In the midst of this consummation I also find my love for John growing stronger. In many prayers for him and about this relationship I find myself praying that God will continue to teach me how to be submissive and how to serve John in the way that he needs. I pray that I will continue to learn and practice selfless love, and be the prayer warrior for him that he needs. One of my prayers for him has been that God would teach him what it is to be a leader in every aspect, and to take initiative in the way that Christ pursues us. Prayers for us include that we would learn so much more about Christ’s pursuit for us through our relationship, as well as every aspect of our relationship bringing others and glory to God.

See, I strongly believe the point of relationships is only to point back to the Creator. I can’t emphasize this enough. This proves the necessity of letting Christ ordain them. We are created for relationships in all aspects with other people, but most importantly, with Christ. Christ gives us a bigger picture of Himself through them, and we have the privilege of gaining an understanding of how He pursues us, if we are willing to fulfill those roles He has called us to do and created us to be. And as we embark on those relationships of all kinds, especially those leading to marriage, we must remember that we are all still human and fall short. There will be times we fail or are disappointed, and times that we cause hurt to another. Yet as Christ has covered us with His blood to cover our sin, He covers us with His love and pursuit over the wounds of the hearts. As beautiful as my relationship is and will continue to be with John, I will always remember this fact: Christ is our ultimate pursuer. In any area that we may fall, hurt, or fail one another, Christ fills. We look to Him for the ultimate pursuit, not to man. Our relationships with one another here on earth are just a fraction as good as the one with Him, our Savior and best friend.

“Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. In that day, declares the Lord, you will call me my husband, you will no longer call me my master. I will bethroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord” (Hosea 2:14-16, 19-20).

OVERwhelmed, UNDERtaking, OVERly blessed, UN[DER] deserving

Overwhelmed, Undertaking, Overly blessed, and Un(der) deserving...some key words that are writ upon my heart and mind as of late.

I'm overwhelmed...

With what God chooses to do and is doing around me. For the first time in a while I have been able to look behind me to what God did in the last six months of my life, and also have been able to look ahead to what He has in store. I'm overwhelmed at the extent in which He has and is transforming my heart and life. I'm reading over my three to four hundred pages of typed journal entries over the last eight months and am stunned by what has happened and where God has brought me. To say that His plans are beautifully orchestrated and planned is to in a sense, give God so much injustice. He is worthy of so much more praise than any words can give. I am overwhelmed at the fact that my praise will always be so inadequate to what He deserves. I look and see what He is doing in and with me personally right now and what He is preparing me for, and I am overwhelmed to know in the smallest part what the implications of what He wishes to do will be. That He would choose to do these things...it is not for me by any means. It is solely for His glory.

I'm undertaking...

So many different things at the present, yet I feel that I am being lazy. It's a weird thing. I find myself undertaking a new ministry that I haven't had before in my job at the warehouse. God has been so good in providing with that. I find myself undertaking friendships that are different than what I expect. I find myself beginning to undertake a new major and career path. I find myself undertaking the things to which God has entrusted to me to be a good steward of. I am amazed at the girls that God has placed in my life to whom He can minister to through me. I don't understand why me, but I'm not supposed to. One thing remains constant as of late though; the call by God to wait on certain aspects and be patient. I finally understood this clearly tonight. As I was having my date night with Jesus, I was printing out eight months of journal entries. I ran out of ink, and so I went to open the evil Costco packaging with an exacto knife in my room because I was too impatient to go get the scissors out in the living room. So I used my exacto knife to cut it open, and cut away from myself mind you, but my hand was still in the way. Deeply it went in and gushing out it came. My roomies came and helped patch me up. I was annoyed with myself for doing this once again, as it seems I do things like this a lot. Yet God made it clear to me tonight. So often when dealing with a present task, I am so anxious and frantic to get it done so I may move onto the next. This attitude leads me to do things in unorthodox and often, rather stupid ways, when I need to take the little more fraction of a time and do it correctly. I know I am and will continue to be radical, but I must do it in a proper way in which I don't wound myself or others. There is purpose in doing things in the correct order. There is purpose in me stepping away from things a bit this quarter. I need to learn to do things properly, and that is going to take a little bit of extra time. So I am undertaking a new way of walking with Christ than I have before...being diligent, but walking slowly and fully embracing what He has for me.

I am overly blessed...

In every way. I look at my life and it's ridiculously blessed. Even in the trials and hard times, the blessings are so present. I am blessed by being here in San Luis Obispo, going to school at the place of my dreams. I am blessed with amazing roommates, who challenge me to grow daily. I am blessed with a wonderful family, in which there is so much love despite many difficult years growing up. I am blessed with incredible friends here, one of whom has come to be so dear to me. The dates we have on Tuesday nights watching Gilmore Girls and pouring out our hearts has been a a sign of her constant encouragement and extreme blessing in my life. I am so blessed with a man who loves and accepts me unconditionally, showing Christ to me in every way. That God would choose to give me to such a man is incredible...and I can thoroughly and honestly say that there are so few blessings that compare to being in love with the love of my life...it's unbelievably good. He is incredible in every way. And today I was also more thoroughly blessed by his sister asking me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I consider that an extreme honor and amazing gift, for she has blessed me in so many ways. The list can go on and on...but I am so blessed.

Yet I am un(der)deserving...

I don't deserve any of this. I don't deserve anything. The greatest gift of all is Christ on the Cross taking my place for my sins. I am covered in filth and all sanctification is done by Him. I find this season to be a lesson in humility more than ever before, in the fact that I feel I have nothing to offer, yet Christ still works in and through me. The humility hasn't been an easy lesson and never will be, but I love the place I am in now: knowing that nothing is of me, and everything is of Him. I come to the realization that He does nothing solely for me, it is all for His glory. Oh that I may always be a temple for Him to be displayed! That what people are drawn to will always be Him and not me! Everything is of Him and nothing is of me. If any good is seen in me, it is Christ. I am a fragile jar of clay, easily pressed and broken, but He is the kiln, the refining fire who makes me firm in Him. He is my strength, He is my God, and He is my praise.

Learning to Laugh Again

Learning to laugh again...

This season has been a fight for joy and an uphill road. I have in weeks past, regained the ability to smile, but today I think was the first time I have really laughed as a result of joy in such a while.

It's quite interesting how God chose to orchestrate it as well...symbolic of course, as it seems to be with me often. Two of my roommates and I went on a shopping trip tonight, mainly to the grocery store. We were unloading, and as I was carrying bags up to the elevator, I found out the hard way that we had packed too many cans into one plastic bag, and so the handle broke and some rolled out. I left those and went and put the others in the elevator where Kirsten was holding it for me. I came back and got the last of the groceries and then collected the torn bag of cans. I was able to pick it up as its own entity without the handle and carry it to the elevator. We put the bags down once again until we got to our floor. I went to pick up the bags again, along with the other...8 I was carrying (if you don't know me, I am very stubborn with certain things, and that includes not making more trips than is literally, physically possible). I succeeded except for when I tried to walk out of the elevator with the bag of cans. It proceeded to tear more, and then I found myself straddling the entrance of the elevator, not able to move because it would have been a literal avalanche of cans. I lost it and burst out laughing as did Kirsten, something we have not been able to do together in quite some time. She helped me and we just kept laughing and Laura came to help too. Luckily we barely made it to our apartment, all cans intact.

Why did I find such a thing so amusing? Perhaps for once I was able to also laugh at myself in a more metaphorical way. I attempt to carry much more than I should only to find that it is stupid for me to do so. I do this in my own life instead of letting God carry those burdens, and only taking as many as He has called me to carry. I knew the bag would probably tear but I persisted, to the point in which it did. I had to stop dead in my tracks for these cans not to fall, straddling the line of the elevator. How often do I stop in my tracks of what I am doing in my life, knowing that my burden is too heavy, and allow Him to carry those? I wait until the last second before they fall or until after they fall, and then I have to face the consequences. I straddled a thin line tonight, as thin as the one in the elevator I was standing in. I could've chosen to be stubborn and tried to go on it on my own, unsuccessfully like I had been, or I could've relented like I did, laughing at myself and the situation. For once I saw how truly ridiculous I am and can be, for it was obvious the burden was too much for me to carry, and all I could do was laugh at myself and the situation. I found joy in the fact that I was able to give these cans to my sisters and my burdens to God, marking a significant change in the day.

I am so stubborn and stupid and silly so often...I should be laughing at myself, it's ridiculous. Yet I also laugh once again at finding a newfound joy in God who loves me, stuck in the elevator, spilling cans and all.

And as the statement in the sand in the above picture states, God is good. Though the waves may wash that away from the sand in time, that fact will never wash away from my heart.

Learning to laugh again...it feels good.

Blessings

God is so unbelievably good and faithful, no matter what the circumstances...and I am finding that when I choose to go about my day and my life focusing on that very thing, joy abounds. I am unbelievably blessed. I may not be blessed in all of the ways I would choose to be, but I am blessed by my Father in Heaven, and that is better than all. I am so unworthy of any blessings He bestows upon me, and so it is tonight and from now on that I will receive and look upon these blessings with a humble and grateful heart.

"Fear the Lord your God and serve Him. Hold fast to Him and take your oaths in His name. He is your praise, He is your God, who performed for you those good and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes." Deuteronomy 10:20-21

Beautiful Surrender

Beautiful surrender, let us fall on our knees
Beautiful surrender, all we are we yield
Beautiful surrender, in You our hearts we keep
Beautiful surrender, Your spirit let us receive
Beautiful surrender, all to You, our beautiful King

Every tear that falls down your face still
Won’t you surrender, let Him it wipe it away
Hurt lingers and is ever present I know
but His grace is more than enough to fill
Will you let go?

In the desert parched for thirst and love
Won’t you surrender, let Him lead you to the water
A longing persists and is ever present I know
But He pursues you in the way You desire
Will you let him heal?

Beautiful surrender, let us fall on our knees
Beautiful surrender, all we are we yield
Beautiful surrender, in You our hearts we keep
Beautiful surrender, Your spirit let us receive
Beautiful surrender, all to You, our beautiful King

Every prayer that is prayed reaches the heavens
Every cry that escapes touches His heart
Every love we bear comes from the source
Every note in this melodious praise of worship resounds beautifully still
Surrender to His sovereign will
Surrender and be filled

Won’t you know that you’re not on this way alone
Won’t you see that I’m here right beside you
Won’t you know that I am your colaborer
And beside you, surrender I will

Beautiful surrender, let us fall on our knees
Beautiful surrender, all we are we yield
Beautiful surrender, in You our hearts we keep
Beautiful surrender, your spirit let us receive
Beautiful surrender, all to You, our beautiful King

Fallen

The fact that we are all fallen and fall so short of the glory of God is resonating in my heart tonight...from the lowest peasant servant to those in the highest positions whom everyone is observing.

I just received the news about Ted Haggard and his fall. It disheartens me so much to hear of how a man who fought the demons for Colorado Springs and abroad has lost to his own personal battle with Satan. I am reminded of something God has been teaching me and others lately: the fact that if we are not focused with God on the vertical plane, the horizontal plane can cause us to fall. So often we get burdened with others and the people around us and situations that are happening, and we take those upon our own shoulders. We attempt to carry a burden that we can never carry; the burden of other's lives and souls. We are not meant to carry those burdens. Christ told us to give our burdens to Him because His yoke is light. He is the only one sufficient...yet we so often neglect and forget that, and by doing so, it causes us to stumble, perhaps a slight one at first, but then a great fall.

There is an ever present enemy to our souls. It lurks in the darkness and within things and has a presense we are often unaware of. If we don't realize that and are aware of it, we will continue to fall over and over again. We can't let Satan employ clever schemes, blinding us where the Spirit should be.

We can't neglect the fact that we all fall short of the glory of God. We can't forget that we are all jars of clay, fragile and easily broken. We can't forget that we are nothing apart from Him.

If we do, we are certain to fall...

And until we realize that, we will fall over and over again, into the same trap, because we are so blinded.

I think something that is disturbing me greatly about a lot of this right now is a conversation I had with my dad before coming out to school. We were talking about Ted Haggard and other previous prominent Evangelicals and pastors, and my dad made the statement, "it wouldn't be surprising if he fell just like the others." I defended Ted Haggard, saying that it wouldn't, because he was different than those.

But the fact is, he is no different than you and me. He is in just as desperate need of God and His abundant grace and mercy. He just had a much more visible fall due to his position.

I find myself coming back to that conversation over and over again with my dad thinking about how my dad will probably use this opportunity to say, "yep, there's another hypocritical Christian, living a dual life." And this breaks me because I don't want something else to deter him from coming to know Christ. Yet I must remember that God is working in spite of all of this, and perhaps this will lead to a conversation about grace and how we are all in need of it.

So I leave tonight with this prayer. To my fellow brothers and sisters, let us not neglect the fact that Satan is out there lurking and is looking for any way to get us to fall. "If we think we are standing firm, be careful that we don't fall" (1 Corinthians 10:12). Be reminded of how we are all sinners and all fall short, whether those falls are visible or hidden, they are ever present still. And come back to the One who gives us grace and mercy so endlessly. Don't take on a burden that you are not meant to carry. Leave it all in Christ's hands. He is the only one sufficient.

To those still searching...I pray that this example with Ted Haggard will not further taint your image of Christians and Christianity. I pray that we as Christians will come before you just as we are, broken and in need of God's grace. We are so far from being perfect even though we may often put on fronts that we are or attempt to be. I am sorry that we do not represent God in the way we should. I am sorry that we are hypocrites. I pray that we will be real with you, and show you the God who so graciously loves us, though we don't deserve it.

The Good Kind of Secrets

I was telling John the other day that I love secrets...but not necessarily the kind that are never revealed. I love the ones that you don't know for the time being and immediate future, but you know it will be revealed sometime in the future. It's fun not to know everything at the present time but still have the knowledge that it will be revealed, and the suspense that has built up as a result of waiting only makes the reveal all the better.

Hmm...God has given me a secret of sorts...and it's sweet. For once in my life I like not telling anyone about this, at least not in full part, and just wait on God to continue to do what He wishes in regard to this secret of His and mine. A contented sigh escapes my mouth as I write this because it is good, so good, and I can't wait to see what God does with this!

Until the eventual reveal...in quietness I will wait.

Regeneration

The morn' of November
A crisp chill lingering in the stillness
Can you feel the season of change?
A regeneration
Old leaves fall and the new ones will come
Yet it's all in its own time
Ordained by the Creator of all
One must be tossed and turned about
Eager to escape its stem, root of life
But ever more, must cling stronger still
Are we so adamant to hang on to what is dying?
Or do we desire a rebirth
A regeneration
Blossoms on the brink but hearts must mend
In this season of winter to come
Finding a new joy in the creator of all
The morn' of November and season of winter very soon shall pass
On the brink of the revival of spring
Can you feel the season of change?
A regeneration?

Abundance of Joy

abundance of joy
caressing my heart
washing cares away
beautiful One sing
a new melody
new song in my life
a composition
of praise to the One
who deserves my all
abundance of joy
in You will I find
love that is deeper
and consumes my life

If...

by Amy Carmichael...AMAZING book! Here are some excerpts, more will probably come later.

If I do not feel far more for the grieved Savior than for my worried self when troublesome things occur, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If in dealing with one who does not respond, I weary of the strain, and slip from under the burden, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I cannot catch the sound of noise of rain (1 Kings 18:41) long before the rain falls, and, going to some hilltop of the spirit, as near to my God as I can, have not faith to wait there with my face between my knees, though six or sixty times I am told "there is nothing," till at last "there arises a cloud out of the sea," then I know nothing of Calvary love.

Disoriented

Disoriented describes lately the best of all the words I can think of right now...

I seem to get thrown curveball after curveball lately, when things are not what I expected at all. Things, at least in part, can be so prophetically clear yet so vague at the same time.

Since coming back to school in particular, I find myself in one of the hardest places I have personally ever been. Life seems so radically different in every way, with no constant except for God.

I see the things I do. I see the things I should do. I see so much more than I ever have before in my surroundings and in people. Yet at the same time, I find myself feeling completely blind and unaware of so much.

In my car tonight I was worshipping at the top of my lungs because God is so good, even in the midst of this disorientation and difficulties. During that time I was thinking about what I have grown in since coming back to school in particular.

And right now, I have no idea.

It feels like so much has changed yet so much hasn't. It seems I am living in two different worlds; what those are, I don't know right now. I really don't know what exactly I should be doing right now, yet I do.

God answers prayers in extraordinary ways. Ever since the second to last week of project, in which I prayed in earnest for God to do whatever He desired in me to bring me closer to Him, no matter how hard it would be, He has answered to the fullest. It's been a seemingly endless stretching with so many different things.

But here are the keys that I must remember tonight: God answers prayer in extraordinary ways. God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. God will never give me more than I can bear. God knows my inmost being and heart. God is faithful. God is a giver of extraordinary blessing. God weaves together things that I find myself astounded to see. God is...fully sovereign, as He displays it day in and out. And that's the thing...God just is. He is the I AM.

And I know that things have changed, I just can't see it yet. I know that in this disorientation, God is the constant. I know that this is achieving for me a glory that will outweigh these present "troubles."

And above all, I know that in this season, God is continually bringing me to a place where I can only rely on Him, and enter into a deeper, fuller, more abundant relationship with Him.

That is good.

Constant

When all around me seems to be stirring, still, crazy, unpredictable, uncertain, and unexpected, how much I desire a constant in my life...

Praise be to Christ who is that constant, being the "same yesterday, today, and forever."

What would I do without a Savior?

In the Path of Moses

Not just to sympathize, but to empathize...
to feel the pain of another...
to be placed in their shoes in an attempt for me to understand
And pull them deeper into a relationship with the One who pursues them first

But this hurt...
this pain...
proves almost too difficult to bear
Where do I go
and what do I say?
How do I keep walking on
In light of their pain?

In the path of Moses
who answers His call
So afraid and feeling unable
But "I AM" leads the way

Through the desert leads the way to the Promised Land

Compelled

Dare I try to give this justice?
Try to describe it through my mere words
I know my words will fail
But try I must
For I am compelled
To go beyond the limits of what I see now
Reaching for infinitude that can never fully be grasped
I stretch out my open hand
A mere portion to which I cling
Yet just a glimpse proves better than life
The sands of time slide through my fingers
Bringing an ever-changing season
I can’t stop here for that would fail even more
Faces becoming more vivid still
A world so different than the one I know now
A revolution about to emerge
The tribes coming together in adulation
Every tongue dripping with praise
I come today
Ready to answer the call
I know my efforts will fail
But try I must
To go beyond the limits of what I do now
Doing the things that answer the call of eternity
I stretch out my open heart
A mere portion of which I see
Yet just a feeling proves better than life

Reaching to His Grasp

Sweetness of a song
To which we move and sing along
Caught up in the melody that refrains
Yet in fully praising we often abstain
Could it be that the words we hear
Can ring true to our hearts and push away fear
Why do we remain in the background still
Knowing the pursuer of our hearts and His sovereign will
What is it that makes us abstain
Are we content to live in apathy evermore
These chains that riddle us and pull us down
Keep us in twisting efforts to freely abound
Yet these chains we must break free and fly
Open our mouths and leave the sighs behind
The enemy of our souls prowls to make us fall
Let us overcome and answer the call
Our God is glorious, praise is more than due
Oh Father in Heaven, we come to worship You

Thoughts to be continued...

I'm learning that...

An abundance of time equals an abundance of thoughts, which in turn equals a lot to write about the abundant amount of things God is teaching me and doing...

Yeah.

But for now, how often do we struggle to be content in where and what situations God has placed us in? How often do we let present troubles, doubts, and fears keep our head down from viewing and fully experiencing the marvelous light of Christ? Why is it that we must experience the bad in order to truly appreciate the good? And why is it that there will always be questions and always a search for answers?

How I pray tonight that though I desire and want these answers because I know I will gain a greater understanding of His will, that this quest for wisdom will never keep me from coming before God just as I am, an ignorant woman who fails in many things, and worshipping Him with all the praise I have to give...

Though often it seems like my life is a series of questions and answers, I must not forget what it should truly and always be...

A life of Worship.

Die Trying You Cauldron of Glass

A poem written by my friend Ben from Summer Project...I think it's beautiful.

Die Trying You Cauldron of Glass
Raise my fist and shout to the sky
“Die trying” will be my exit
To fall in flames of battle is
better then unfrayed on the sidelines
A rescue mission is better with a
full boat then a solo on shore
So crash me waves and make me
drown, just as long as I grab
a hand on my way sinking
Die trying will be my anthem. For it
is better then I kept MYself safe

For it is better then one clean jar
inside and out.
That can be seen through and respected
but problem of the lid remains
Twist till it pops and it is ready to
receive all that need an open-clean friend.
Hold them till they are clean, then send them
to the world uncapped and ready to
take in another who’s drowning.

Capped with the lid tight will
stay a float for a time
One day the glass will crack and
the jar will die floating
Not much of a requiem to sing;
not much left behind
But to die trying on a rescue mission
how great are the efforts,
How great the heart of the jar that let the Savior in first
Die Trying You Cauldron of Glass,
Die Trying

Beautiful Sister

Oh the beauty of which I see
Of your transforming heart
The freedom that you are beginning to receive

Oh the beauty of which I see
Of your branching ways
The confidence in Him you are beginning to receive

Beautiful sister, it’s your time
Spread your wings and leave your cares behind
Beautiful sister, it’s your time
Trust His strength and begin to fly

Oh the joy of which you bring
Through your gracious serve
The embracing of Him you are beginning to know

Oh the joy of which you bring
Through your genuine nature
The love of Christ in You fully beginning to flow

Beautiful sister, it’s your time
Spread your wings and leave your cares behind
Beautiful sister, it’s your time
Trust His strength and begin to fly

Oh the beauty of which I see
Of your transforming heart
The freedom that you are beginning to receive

Fight for Joy

There are so many words I wish to express right now and I have honestly no idea as to how this will end up. Yet, I feel God leading me to blog on what I have been going through in the last two weeks, and so I will let Him lead me in what I say.

I have been in a fight…a clawing, gnashing, relentless fight…but I have also been in a surrender…a broken, weeping, submissive surrender...

These last two weeks are weeks in which one generally wouldn’t want to remember, because of how tough it has been. Yet, I know I must, and be inclined to, because it has been such of two weeks that has been changing and transforming things I didn’t realize needed to be or were there. It has been two weeks of resistance to something so hauntingly foreign. It has been two weeks of bland apathy. It has been two weeks of terrifying anxiety and fear. It has been two weeks of weeping brokenness.

But, overall, it has been two weeks of grace magnified…

Be careful to obey every command I am giving you today, so that you may live and increase and may enter and possess the land that the Lord promised on oath to your forefathers. Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Your clothes did not wear our and your feet did not swell during these forty years. Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you. Observe the commands of the Lord your God, walking in his ways and revering him. For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills, a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey, a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills. When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the Lord Your God for the good land he has given you. Be careful that you do not forget the Lord Your God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day” (Deuteronomy 8:1-11)

I have been going through about 4 chapters of Deuteronomy in the last month and a half or so. I first read this chapter and passage about 2 weeks ago. It’s so interesting to go back and reread this passage and my initial reactions to it, because I was so wrong the first time around! I have possessed so much pride and self confidence, that I think that I have been through these “desert times” when in reality, I have not! I am not a completed work nor will I ever be close to being one. When I first read this passage, I skipped over the whole humility and desert years, a testing of our hearts by God. I figured I had been through this already, but the reality is, I have never been to the extent I have been in the last two weeks.

I realize now how I put myself on a pedestal so often. I have often thought that because I have been blessed and received favor from the Lord, that I was further along the road than most. I have been looking to what can I teach others and not thinking that I could truly receive something from them far greater than anything I could give them. I have been self-reliant and prideful in so many ways.

Yet in the last two weeks when God chose to strip me of everything I have ever known, including my joy, my world has changed and has been rocked by Him. I have found myself stripped bare, naked at the foot of His throne, in incredible sorrow and in need of so much grace. How hauntingly foreign this has been, and one of, if not the most difficult thing I have ever been through.

You see, I have absolutely no reason not to be joyful. God is alive and ever present in my life, especially as of late. That’s the kicker, but also a key…

All good things come from our Father in Heaven; He alone is the source and giver of everything, including this joy of which I have been fighting for. Must my eyes be so haughty to look upon him riddled in my own pride? They have been.

Laid bare in desperate need at the foot of the throne makes me not only remember, but extravagantly experience that I am nothing apart from Him.

For a while now, God has been breaking down my defenses and my indignant nature to be the strong one in every situation. It has been ingrained in me for so long that it has kept me from being real; in particular, with my struggles and weaknesses. I think for so long people have looked up to me as a leader and one of quiet strength and bold faith, in that people have not had a complete honest perception of me. God has been giving me many opportunities and calling me to be vulnerable. When living the heart of the Gospel, I am not to put on this picture of a perfect little happy woman who’s got it all together. For if I do, why would I need a Savior?

And the fact is ever so present that I am in desperate need of a Savior. That He came to take my place, overcame this world and lived a life without sin…that is something I will never ever be able to claim any rights to. Instead of living a façade of a pillar of strength, I need to display my need for grace and God’s abundance in providing.

Throughout this fight I have found it interesting in the fact that the more honest and open I am about what I am struggling with, the more ground is gained in the fight. Truth needs to be spoken in every way, and it needs to be lived. It has been forcing me to exercise a level of vulnerability I have never approached before, and Satan has been present in that. Praise be to my God that He is so much stronger.

I had a friend come to us completely broken and in fear last night. He does not know the Lord. As I listened to him speak through heaving sobs and saw and felt the anguish he was going through, I could relate to a lot of his emotions because of what God has brought me through in the last two weeks. Yet, I found myself so overwhelmed that God would magnify what other people go through personally in me so I would gain such a greater appreciation for grace. See, the difference between me and him is that I have him and he doesn’t. And that makes all the difference. My pain is bearable, because I live in fear of Him, who is good, while he just lives in fear. Like all things, He is greater than just myself. As I was so struck by his sobbing and mourning and his pain, I found myself torn at how he was feeling, but also realizing how can I not have peace and especially joy? What hope and joy I have in the Lord…so much. I am to bring Him joy.

As I was in Crusade on Wednesday night listening to the body worship, I was overwhelmed at the unity and beauty of it all. I was able to remember that my trials are but a mere part of what is going on in the body and how God is moving. God is so much bigger than myself and the trials I go through. And God has been using these past two weeks, difficult means, to prepare me for what is to come.

Such a fight for joy…

And one ending in myself, a beggar and sinner, filthy at the throne of Righteousness, realizing my desperate need of my Savior’s grace…

And abundant grace He gives.

“I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lighted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be astounded. They will put their trust in the Lord. Oh the joys of those who trust the Lord, who have no confidence in the proud, or in those who worship idols. O Lord my God, you have done many miracles for us. Your plans are too numerous to list. If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds, I would never come to the end of them…but may all who search for you be filled with joy and gladness. May those who love your salvation repeatedly shout, ‘The Lord be exalted!’ Psalm 40:1-5, 16

Joy Reborn in Circumstance

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:28-31

In the stillness of this place
Quietly now I come and wait
In the midst of this mournful attitude I possess
Let me draw near to rest
And come to find once again
The joy reborn in circumstance

Weary I am but knowing You restore
Strength again will come once more
In time possessing diligence let me find
A renewal of my heart and mind
Knowing I am fully blessed
Fixing my eyes upon You who knows me best

In the stillness of this place
Quietly now I come and wait
In the midst of this heart swelling in praise
Let me give You a banner raised
And come to find once again
The joy reborn in circumstance

Songs Speaking to My Heart tonight

Jars of Clay Redemption Songs

I Need Thee Every Hour
I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford
I need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby
Temptations lose their power
When Thou art nigh
I need thee, oh, I need thee, every hour I need Thee
I need thee, I need thee, I need Thee every hour
I need Thee every hour in joy or pain
Come quickly and abide or life is in vain
I need Thee, oh, I need Thee, every hour I need Thee
I need Thee, I need Thee, I need Thee every hour
I need Thee, I need Thee, I need Thee every hour
Oh, bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee
Oh, bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee
I need Thee every hour, teach me Thy will
And Thy rich promises in me fulfill
I need Thee, oh, I need Thee
Oh I need Thee every hour
I need Thee, I need Thee, I need Thee every hour
I need Thee, I need Thee, I need Thee every hour
Oh, bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee

God Will Lift Up Your Head
Give to the wind your fear
Hope and be undismayed
God hears your sighs and counts your tears
God will lift up, God will lift up, lift up your head
Chorus:God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
Lift up your head
Leave to His sovereign sway
To choose and to command
Then shall we wandering on His way
Know how wise and how strong
How wise and how strong
Chorus
Through waves and clouds and storms,He gently clears the way
Wait because in His time, so shall this night
Soon end in joy, soon end in joy Soon end in joy, soon end in joy Soon end in joy, soon end in joy Soon end in joy, soon end in joy Soon end in joy, soon end in joy

Hiding Place
Amidst the sorrows of the way
Lord Jesus, teach my soul to pray
Let me taste Thy special grace
And run to Christ, my hiding place
You know the vileness of my heart
So prone to act the rebel's part
And when You veil Your lovely face
How can I find a hiding place
Hiding place, hiding place
Lord, guide my wandering feet
Draw me to Thy mercy seat
I've nought to trust but sovereign grace
Thou only art my hiding place
How unstable is my heart
Sometimes I take the tempter's part
And slight the tokens of Thy grace
And seem to want no hiding place
Hiding place, hiding place
But when Thy spirit shines within
Makes me feel the plague of sin
And how I long to see Thy face
'Tis then I want a hiding place
Lord Jesus, shine and then I can
Feel sweetness in salvation's plan
And as a sinner plead for grace
Christ, the sinner's hiding place
And as a sinner plead for grace
Christ, the sinner's hiding place

Lately...

I am learning that I am very much in need of a Savior...

On the Move

When the Spirit is moving, it is such a beautiful thing…how blessed we are to walk in the Spirit and allow it to move through us and to guide us…remarkable.

I stand astounded tonight at the power of the Spirit and what has happened over the last day or so, as well as the past three weeks being home.

A fire has been lit inside me and continues to be honed and centered true to the source, my Heavenly Father. And as the flame finds its roots and center, how it is beginning to make impressions on others in ways only the Spirit can do.

I find myself learning the compassion of my Savior, in which He welcomed the little ones into His arms, and humbled himself to serve others. How I look upon my sisters around me and how my heart is going out to them in ways I haven’t felt it being pulled before. How I desire to love them like Christ loves me, and to let His love flow through me. How I desire my life to be a reflection of Him who has redeemed my every sin and mistake, covering me with His blood and washing me anew.

I am beginning to see through my Father’s eyes and the plans He has for those around me. How I pray that they will see His passionate pursuit after their hearts! I pray they will find their identity in Christ alone, not in the eyes of this world or in a relationship. I pray they will know that they are precious treasures in His eyes and are irreplaceable!

I find my role developing and also taking on new aspects in pursuing women. As of late, I find God placing me in an intercessor role, not just in prayer, but in giving and sharing wisdom in order to repair relationships that have been broken and scarred. God has given me the gift of being able to see things from different perspectives, while remaining steadfast to the truth. I’m amazed at how He used that today. In addition, I find God giving me so many opportunities to speak truth into other’s lives, and holy cow, what happens when the Spirit takes over…wow.

I find myself filled in a way I haven’t been before when I am able to serve them in the way Christ served. I am filled with joy when I am able to encourage them and spur them on to the One who loves them more than this world ever can offer them.

How true is it becoming that when I truly begin to fear the Lord, that it is the beginning of all wisdom…lately wisdom has been pouring out in a way that is not of me, but only of the Spirit.

I’m also learning that sometimes the greatest sign of love is a rebuke, not an easy one, but necessary. For what kind of love are we showing our brothers and sisters if we let them remain in sin and pretend that everything is fine? We are commanded to pull our brothers and sisters out of sin, and that is showing them love!

And how I am finding how contrary I am to this world and often to those around me, because of the person God has created me to be. I am beginning to see how the road He has set before me is a road less embarked on, a road less traditional and expected, but one so necessary for me to go on. I am beginning to see how God is intending for me to be a pioneer of sorts, blazing a new trail and leading the way for others. I also see how God is going to use my circumstances and relationships in order to bring people into a kind of relationship with Christ that is uncommonly seen this day. Jesus said, “I have come so they may have life and have it to the full” (John 10:10). Do we see this anymore? I rarely do. I desire for others to experience life to the full as I have! It isn’t an easy road, but it is surely blessed!

God is truly setting me apart into the individual He desires me to be. How I desire for that to always bring Him glory! I pray that I will never grieve the Spirit and take things into my own hands, but always be willing and ready to act whenever He moves. And I pray that by the grace of God, I can be used to be one to lead others into the fullest, richest, most rewarding lives that God has intended for us to receive! And how I praise Him that it is fully of Him and not of me, for I am sin and He is righteousness alone!

O the power of the Father’s Love, of the Savior’s Blood, and the Spirit’s power to change hearts and lives! To Him be the glory forever and ever!

Inclined to Obey

As I look upon all You've given
A heart of worship the source of praise
Let me turn my eyes upon You, Jesus
And come to fear You so I will obey

As I remember all You've done
Eyes in wonder of what they behold
Let me open my mouth to sing to You, Father
And come to worship You with all the songs of old

Bridge
You brought me out of slavery, triune Godhead, three in one
Signs and wonders leading to the Promised Land

Chorus
I am chosen not because I am worthy but because of Your love
All righteousness not of me but solely Your own
Let my heart fear and worship and always be inclined to obey

As I look upon what You're bringing
Hands open in order to receive
Let me walk only by You, Spirit
And come to have more reason to sing

Covenants and Majesty

“This is a time of seeing and singing, this is a time of breathing you in, and breathing out your praise. Our hearts respond to your revelation, all you are showing, all we have seen, commands a life of praise” (Matt Redman).

What a whirlwind it has been to be home. I find myself wanting to say so much but being unable to at many times. I feel myself as the above, in a time of breathing in God and breathing out His praise.

Being back in Colorado and out of the city has reminded me once again of God’s sheer majesty. Everywhere I go here, I am surrounded by majestic mountains, endless rolling green fields, countless clouds, trickling waterfalls, and stars galore. I find myself at a place I used to be so often while growing up here, and in one I took for granted so much. God’s creation beckons me into His presence, because through it all it commands His praise. How can I not look at what surrounds me and offer up praise to the One so much greater than myself? I can’t. In the mountains this weekend, I went up to 12,000 feet and all I could see were these peaks and valleys that display majesty beyond any words. I found myself on the drive home from Denver last night just watching the progression of the sunset and seeing its splendor as it darkened and faded into the evening sky, a blanket of stars above, while worship music blared into my ears in an attempt to satisfy this desire I have to cry out to God and worship Him, for He is so worthy!!! It has been an unsatisfying contentment…irony there, I know, because I find myself unbelievably content being in His presence; yet I also find myself unsatisfied because I am unable to praise Him in the way I wish to or in the way He deserves. I think perhaps that is good. Will my words ever be enough? No.

I find myself back in my childhood home and place after a summer that has changed my life. It’s interesting coming back to all I’ve known with knowledge and experiences I did not have at this time last year. God is so unbelievably FAITHFUL! What He has done in me and around me no words can fully express. It has been incredibly sweet to see the fruits of prayer being revealed right before my eyes, in which God has been revealing Himself to me in so many ways.

”When you heard the voice out of the darkness, while the mountain was ablaze with fire, all the leading men of your tribes and your elders came to me. And you said, ‘The Lord our God has shown us his glory and his majesty, and we have heard his voice from the fire. Today we have seen that a man can live even if God speaks with him. But now, why should we die? This great fire will consume us, and we will die if we hear the voice of the Lord our God any longer. For what mortal man has ever heard the voice of the living God speaking out of fire, as we have, and survived? Go near and listen to all that the Lord our God says. Then tell us whatever the Lord our God tells you. We will listen and obey.’ The Lord heard you when you spoke to me and the Lord said to me, ‘I have heard what this people said to you. Everything they said was good. Oh that their hearts would be inclined to fear me and keep all my commands always so that it might go well with them and their children forever!” Deuteronomy 5:23-29.

One of those ways is through the Word. I’ve been studying Deuteronomy 5 and 6, which is a recount of God speaking to Moses through the fire and giving the 10 commandments, along with the greatest commandment. Yet, that hasn’t been the primary thing in which God has spoken to me about. In chapter 5 in particular, it speaks of the fear of the Lord, in which beckons us to obey. The people saw the majesty of God and saw him speak through the fire and became afraid, for they were sure if it happened again, they would die. They asked God not to do it again and to tell them what to do, for they would surely obey. When I first read this, I was thinking that the people were running away from the way in which God revealed Himself to them, but then His response puzzled me. He said that the people were right, and said that if their hearts were always inclined to fear Him and to obey. The key in this I was missing and I think have missed for some time is a true, healthy fear of the Lord. He has definitely been working in that. For once I feel everything is out of my hands, which is so good. At times I fear His power, for it is infinitely great. Over and over again in the Word it talks about fear of the Lord. Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised, etc. I’ve been asking myself, “do I really have a healthy fear of God?” And I think I’m realizing that when I truly fear God, I find myself on my knees in prayer ever more. Such has been the past couple of weeks at times. Why don’t I truly fear Him? He commands it. I pray this will continue to be developed in me.

“Hear O Israel, and be careful to obey, so that it may go well with you and that you may increase gently in a land flowing with milk and honey, just as the Lord, the God of your fathers, promised you. Hear O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord you God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts…When the Lord your God brings you into the land he swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to give you—a land with large, flourishing cities you did not build, houses filled with all kinds of good things you did not provide, wells you did not dig, and vineyards and olive groves you did not plant—then when you eat and are satisfied, be careful that you do not forget the Lord, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. Fear the Lord your God, serve him only and take your oaths in his name…Do what is right and good in the Lord’s sight, so that it may go well with you and you may go on and take over the good land that the Lord promised on oath to your forefathers” (Deuteronomy 6:3-6, 10-13, 18).

This chapter has spoken to me in a personal way over this week. God set up the stage in chapter 5 with fearing the Lord and the 10 commandments being the foundation, but He chose to bring me to expound on it. In reading this chapter I see God beginning to fulfill His covenant with Israel and leading them into the Promised Land. God is about to give them everything they could ever need in the land but commands them not to forget the One who brought them out of slavery.

I think of the “covenants” of sorts He has placed in my life, one in particular. I think of what He has and is beginning to fulfill with John and me. The Lord spoke to us both about what was and is to come, and we waited, much like Israel, for God to lead us into the “promised land.” In that time we waited, God redeemed us from slavery in so many ways. After that time of waiting elapsed, God has begun to lead us into the Promised Land in our relationship, and we have been experiencing tremendous blessing. Yesterday morning after journaling, I was in sheer awe of how God orchestrates it all in a way so complex and beautiful that no mortal hand or mind could ever rival. That it is not of us, let us praise Him fully! And much like God commanded Israel as they entered into the Promised Land, we are not to forget what He has done, and we are to love and fear the Lord our God and serve Him only. Oh that this is what He deserves! Oh that we are not worthy of such a blessing but God has chosen to give it! It is my prayer that through this relationship we will live not for ourselves but for Him. I pray we will not hold back any glory due to Him! I pray that this relationship will reek of the goodness of our Father and only draw others closer to Him!

Lastly, I have been struck since being home at how much God answers prayer, and in the best ways. I have been praying specific, detailed prayers, and goodness, it has brought me to realize God’s faithfulness on an entirely new level. That the Lord’s majesty is so great that He also reveals it in prayer in incredible ways! So let us present our requests to God in prayer with thanksgiving, and through that, He will guard our hearts and minds (Phil 4:6-7). That is good. That is my God. And that reeks of majesty.

Be Gentle to this Raging Heart

Be gentle to this raging heart of mine
Dear Father, ordain it still
Let this force that will not be diminished
Soon be fulfilled
O that this is of You I know full well
Stated by Your Word
Kindled by Your loving kindness ever more
Passionately it burns
Be gentle to this raging heart of mine
That within You stir
Let this consummation that runneth over
Be given its birth
O that this is of You I know full well
I see before my eyes
Kindled by Your Holy Spirit ever more
Passionately it burns
Be gentle to this raging heart of mine
Dear Father, that you know so well
Let its rebirth in purity take its root
Farthest from the depths of hell
O that this is of You in everything I cling
Knowing it is not of me
Kindled by Your Heavenly passion ever more
Passionately it burns
Be gentle to this raging heart of mine
I need You so much still

The Last of Reflection

The last of my reflection…I am packed and ready to head home, and I take with me a heart overflowing with praise…for how GOOD is my Lord, words can never give Him the praise and description He deserves!

It’s been such a sweet day, meditating on Psalm 105:1-5, each verse individually and at different parts of the day…so amazing! This is what I did:
Psalm 105:1: Give thanks-Praises and Thanksgiving, meditation, prayer
Psalm 105:2: Sing praise-worship time
Psalm 105:5: Remember His acts-reflection on past two weeks, pray and journal
Psalm 105:4: Look to Him and seek His strength- prepare/pray for upcoming future
Psalm 105:3: Glory in His name, rejoice-rejoice in Him, journal about future, pray

Oh how God has met me today and wrapped up this reflection time and prepared to send me out, to home, school, and abroad!

I stand amazed at this summer and past year…goodness how God has worked, and I still only understand part.

Oh what He has in store…I can only imagine, and it won’t even be close to the actual things!

And oh, I can’t describe what I feel now…I stand speechless at the feet of my Lord, only able to look up at His face through my tears of joy and offer myself to Him…

I stand speechless and amazed, at an utter loss for words…

He is good, so good, beyond good…!

A Heart for the Nations

Dear Lord,

I know You are calling me to write about this tonight, especially after the conversations I’ve had in the past two days with Shelley and John, but I don’t even know where to begin. I pray You will speak through me and lead me, letting all words flow from the Spirit.

I was talking with each John and Shelley about the fact that it seems like so many people are being called to international missions in some way, including me. We were discussing where these callings are coming from and how You are leading us in it. And I must look back on this summer, search my heart, and see where You have led me in it.

In October at Crusade is when You first revealed to me You were calling me into international missions at and for some point of my life. There were a few other things You gave me in that, but were somewhat vague at the time and I knew You were to continue to develop them in Your timing. In this, You confirmed it with Your word, expressing the desire I felt and had in Romans 8.

Throughout this year I have known the call but I hadn’t truly felt it. In a lot of ways You continued to pull me from my earthly ties and show me how I am a stranger on earth, and am only a citizen of You. Because of being born and growing up in the same town for 18 years, I am used to having very strong roots. Yet, through college and Summer Project and the time I have here in Hollywood, You are showing me that I am only to put down roots in You, and also leading me to what I believe is going to be a life of much transition. That is completely different than anything I have ever known, and through that, O Lord, I know that I will have to rely solely on You and not on my own strength, because my own strength will not carry me through.

Shortly after speaking to me about my missions call, You were beckoning me to apply for summer project. Santa Monica was the last place I picked; I picked it as an afterthought, but through all of the circumstances regarding my application and recommendation, that is where You led me, and now I so beautifully see why.

From the beginning of project, I was met with a diversity of people that I have never been around in one place before. To say that Santa Monica is a melting pot of sorts seems to be an understatement. Never before had I walked among peoples from every nation and tongue and state of life imaginable it seemed. In the first week I talked to people from probably 6 or 7 different countries, and that boggled my mind! Needless to say, Colorado Springs and SLO aren’t exactly the most diverse of places. So what a change it was to see and be confronted with all of these people.

And from the beginning when we went out sharing, quickly You broke my heart for the lost. As I was writing about the other night, I finally saw that we are all united as Your people, in the fact that we all need You so desperately, regardless of who we are.

Yet as I continued to talk with these international people over the course of the first few weeks, I found myself fascinated with their beliefs and the roots of such from their countries. I think in other countries one finds roots, systems, practices, and rituals in such a structure that you would never find here in the United States. For example, I talked to so many Catholics from Europe and Mexico for the most part, and yet they didn’t understand or grasp the Gospel. So often the reason why they were “Catholics” is because that was the church of the country or the practice of the family.

With people from the United States, I think I saw the most new-age and post-modernists beliefs, in general anyway. But I think a large majority of the international people I talked to, when asking their spiritual background, answered with the name of a current religion, whether it be Islam, Judaism, Catholicism, Buddhism, etc. Yet so often I also found that these people had very little idea of their own religious belief systems or why they “believed” it.

One girl I talked to on the SMC campus with Kathryn stands out in my mind right now. Such a sweet girl…we talked to her and she said she was Muslim but not practicing. That is her family’s belief system though they’re not practicing either. We talked with her about why she says she is Muslim when she doesn’t believe it or isn’t practicing it, and got into a good discussion about that.

I think I am seeing that it seems like there are two extremes with international people. The first being that there is a belief system in place, they profess to follow a religion, but know little about it. It’s about the practice of religion, and the relationship with You is missing. The second, which I wasn’t directly acquainted with this summer, being that they have never heard of the Gospel and don’t really have any form of religion, and the relationship with You is also missing.

Regardless of what these are, it comes back to the fact the relationship with You is missing. What a blessing it was to share that with these people this summer, and I found them more open to having spiritual conversation and hearing the gospel than people from the United States were.

I think we have so much information and input being thrust in our faces constantly in the United States that this new information is losing its appeal…it seems like it’s something we’ve heard of before or something that has happened before or something someone else has done before. Needless to say in sharing with them, I didn’t see quite the same response with the gospel as I did with international people.

A lot of this is me thinking out loud, O Lord, and I pray You continue to lead this…

I’m reminded of the Great Commission: Matthew 28:19-20: “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the Name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you.”

I’m also reminded of Acts 1:8: “But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth." And a sidenote with this: Jerusalem is the birthplace of the church, the hometown in a sense. Judea and Samaria are the neighboring lands of Jerusalem. The ends of the earth is self-explanatory. In speaking through this O Lord, You are calling us to first be Your witnesses in our “hometowns,” and then in our “neighboring lands” and then to the ends of the earth. I think this is a model I need to follow.

The scripture that was key this summer O Lord was Matthew 24:14: “And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.”

Jamie explained this so well, in stating that the condition for the end to come is that the Gospel will first be preached to all the nations in the whole world. This fascinated me, O Lord, and as I continued to meditate on this, what You did in my heart…

The night of the international dinner, I was not assigned to a country to go and eat their food and practice their customs; but rather, You placed me in the 10-40 window group. How You were there with me in such an amazingly profound way…there were many things You were doing at that present time as for choices I needed to make, but You brought this choice above them all: will I choose to accept the calling You have for me in international missions, and all that comes with it, or would I not accept it and go the other way? For two hours we sat in silence in a hot, cramped room, and during that time we read all about the 10-40 window, from general information to specific profiles of different countries. We prayed and meditated on this in silence, and how You moved my heart in a way that You never have before with all of this…

I was for the first time being confronted with all of the statistics and nature of what these countries were like. I read of their government, the demographics, the religious environment, so on and so forth. A majority of this was rather grim. Yet You swelled in my heart that these people have never heard of You…never heard that You love them, have never heard the gospel…and I found and still find myself heartbroken at that. Oh that these people have never experienced the joy, hope, salvation, purpose, and redemption that I have in You! Oh how they are missing out on the source of life itself…

And I can’t not go…I must tell these people of You…I must. They need to hear of the One whom I love more than anyone or anything that could ever exist…YOU. You enabled me to accept all that comes with this calling and realize that all that I count as loss for the sake of glorifying and preaching Your name…to the nations, O Lord. And how I will be able to participate in the end to come, for I will go and preach the gospel to the nations, O Lord.

How graciously You are providing in that aspect, and have so much in store for it. I eagerly await Your leading in it, and know Your timing is best…

And also, how scared and timid I am about this, but I know You are so much greater and stronger, for You have overcome the world. You are the rock I cling to and my trust will remain in You.

Tonight You’re speaking to me about how we are led as to where to go. I think I finally see something…I think often times we can have a heart for a region and place for missions, but with that, and foremost, we need to have a heart for the people there. We are not going to preach to mountains and sea, to buildings and farms, to cars, buses, or trains, but we are going to preach and show Your love to the people. In having a heart for missions, I think we need to have a heart for the people above all else, and ask You for that first and foremost. I pray that You will continue to break mine and others hearts for the lost people of this world, and then lead us to those people that break ours the most, whom we are compelled to share with.

I know for me, You led me a bit with this aspect this summer. I planned the outreach for Chinatown with Ben, and went sharing there with Derek. There weren’t just Chinese people there; it was largely the Asian population. In the conversations we had, I found a common thing…that people were largely Buddhist because of family ties, because that is how they have been raised. Granted there are other factors such as government, but that surprisingly wasn’t brought up, probably because we were in America. I still don’t know what the true nature is like in Asia with freedom of religion and all. But through these conversations, I found myself thinking back to my own background and seeing how You put Your grip on my life regardless of what my family religion and beliefs were. I think so often people feel confined to believe what their family does, and accepts that without seeking on their own. Lord, it was beautiful in that time to be able to communicate how You are a personal God who desires a relationship with every person, and that it doesn’t have to be decided by family, just a choice to seek after You personally. And Lord, how I desire to communicate this to people…that You are a personal God who changes lives through a relationship with you…and seeing how the Asian culture in large part has strong family ties, I see these lining up.

And obviously, there will be the most leading in how You lead me with my husband…because I know I am called to serve alongside him in international missions; that is a huge portion of what You spoke to me about in the initial missions call.

This is kind of a lot of different things within the theme of a heart for the nations, but Lord, I praise You in how You began to foster that with me in a huge way this summer and will continue to. Lord how I desire to see all peoples of the world enter into a relationship with You, and in order for that to happen, “this gospel of the kingdom will be [and must be] preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.”