My last blog wrote about how in my life the lack of answer wounds. Well, I'm now in this time where God has been opening my eyes to those specific wounds. Some have been closed over for a while, providing temporary relief, and it's now that God's opening them up fully in order that He may heal them properly.
Be praying for me over the next couple of days. I'm going to need it.
You know sometimes I wish
You would take the cover off my eyes
It’s been fun for a while, this follow the leader
But now it seems like we should finally be here
Be where we were always meaning to go
You know sometimes I wish
You would take Your hand off my eyes
I want to see beyond the world masked with dark
To see the destination as it is in the light
See what I was always dreaming to see
I’m trying to walk in the dark
and trust You by my side
The hazardous path makes wounds I continue to bear
But now I’m tired, weary of the consistent pain
That You told me would not be suffered in vain
I’m trying to walk in the dark
and trust You by my side
This path has been winding a long time
Seems it’s the long way we’re going
Just wanna get to where I’m supposed to be
But You open up these wounds
And make me see the light
These sources of pain that I bear
Are to be cleansed outright
But now it stings a while
and I must trust You
in this time You hold me tight
I’m trying to feel the comfort
of Your hand over my eyes
Knowing You know what I can see now
And from what I still need to hide
In Your presence tightly wrapped in Your arms
I’m trying to feel the comfort
of Your hand always in my life
Bringing to light what needs change
To one day possess a brighter light
Yet for now, it still does sting a while
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
The Lack of Answer
I finally sat down tonight and did something I’ve needed to do for a long while. I went through old journal entries in certain time frames God brought up: 2.5 years ago, 2 years ago, and 1.5 years ago. I’ve been avoiding reminiscing and reflecting for some time…it’s as if I was scared of the pain that may arise from doing so. In reading tonight, there was some pain brought up but greater so, a great floodlight of God’s love on these things showing me He has either redeemed or is redeeming.
So much has happened…and it’s going to take some good time to truly sit down and allow God to continue to bring His light into these areas I haven’t seen for a while. But tonight a lot of pieces came together in one fundamental aspect of my character that I haven’t been able to pinpoint. It has affected me more than I ever knew. In my life…
The lack of answer wounds.
There’s three main, big areas in my life where I see this largely in play. I don’t feel the necessity to state them outright, but there is a pattern that has happened in each one.
-I catch the vision/promise/faith/love and it becomes a fervent passion and pursuit in my life.
-There were these long periods of waiting in which I wasn’t seeing the results of the vision/promise/faith/love.
-It brings up many questions, insecurities, doubts, as I seek and await an answer or manifestation.
-The longer I am waiting, the harder it gets to retain the vision/promise/faith/love I had in the first place, what got me started on that journey
-The lack of answer wounds.
I’m amazed at what a fundamental aspect of my character this is and how it applies to so many things in my life. It’s like I seek out answers to avoid being hurt. It’s why I want to know things. It’s why I want to be reassured and reaffirmed, as if the knowledge and answer will make everything all right. When I don’t have any of those things, I feel like something is wrong.
These wounds have run deep…I was reminded of that today. It is good for me to recognize that they are there. But it was also a reminder and given insight in how God has redeemed a lot of these wounds along the way and continues to in a greater degree now.
It’s ironic that I have this time of waiting, this time of a lack of answer, in order to learn how not to let the lack of answer wound me. It’s God being very thorough in the redemptive process.
In my head, I’ve come to understand that there are often times of waiting and silence, and it does not necessarily mean things are wrong. It does not have to be fought against and be consisting of a clinging act of searching for an answer.
My heart is getting to the point of understanding that. It’s not quite there yet. There are some wounds that are still being healed and learning to trust God fully with. Remembering that He holds me, knows me, loves me.
I honestly have a really hard time retaining the same amount of vision/promise/faith/love when there is a lack of manifestation and answer.
An answer is not given to me in how that can be changed, except with the reminder that I received tonight.
God does it. Only Him. And I probably will not see it along the way, but it will be there. He is always, always faithful. I have to recall the times of old and remember His faithfulness to remember He is worthy of my trust in the present and future. I need Him to restore my hope and delight in the waiting, remain steadfast in the present, and rejoice in the answers given in the future.
“Behold, blessed is the one whom God reproves; therefore despise not the discipline of the Almighty. For he wounds, but he binds up; he shatters, but his hands heal. He will deliver you from six troubles; in seven no evil shall touch you. In famine he will redeem you from death, and in war from the power of the sword. You shall be hidden from the lash of the tongue, and shall not fear destruction when it comes. At destruction and famine you shall laugh, and shall not fear the beasts of the earth. For you shall be in league with the stones of the field, and the beasts of the field shall be at peace with you. You shall know that your tent is at peace, and you shall inspect your fold and miss nothing. You shall know also that your offspring shall be many, and your descendants as the grass of the earth. You shall come to your grave in ripe old age, like a sheaf gathered up in its season. Behold, this we have searched out; it is true. Hear, and know it for your good." Job 5:17-27
So much has happened…and it’s going to take some good time to truly sit down and allow God to continue to bring His light into these areas I haven’t seen for a while. But tonight a lot of pieces came together in one fundamental aspect of my character that I haven’t been able to pinpoint. It has affected me more than I ever knew. In my life…
The lack of answer wounds.
There’s three main, big areas in my life where I see this largely in play. I don’t feel the necessity to state them outright, but there is a pattern that has happened in each one.
-I catch the vision/promise/faith/love and it becomes a fervent passion and pursuit in my life.
-There were these long periods of waiting in which I wasn’t seeing the results of the vision/promise/faith/love.
-It brings up many questions, insecurities, doubts, as I seek and await an answer or manifestation.
-The longer I am waiting, the harder it gets to retain the vision/promise/faith/love I had in the first place, what got me started on that journey
-The lack of answer wounds.
I’m amazed at what a fundamental aspect of my character this is and how it applies to so many things in my life. It’s like I seek out answers to avoid being hurt. It’s why I want to know things. It’s why I want to be reassured and reaffirmed, as if the knowledge and answer will make everything all right. When I don’t have any of those things, I feel like something is wrong.
These wounds have run deep…I was reminded of that today. It is good for me to recognize that they are there. But it was also a reminder and given insight in how God has redeemed a lot of these wounds along the way and continues to in a greater degree now.
It’s ironic that I have this time of waiting, this time of a lack of answer, in order to learn how not to let the lack of answer wound me. It’s God being very thorough in the redemptive process.
In my head, I’ve come to understand that there are often times of waiting and silence, and it does not necessarily mean things are wrong. It does not have to be fought against and be consisting of a clinging act of searching for an answer.
My heart is getting to the point of understanding that. It’s not quite there yet. There are some wounds that are still being healed and learning to trust God fully with. Remembering that He holds me, knows me, loves me.
I honestly have a really hard time retaining the same amount of vision/promise/faith/love when there is a lack of manifestation and answer.
An answer is not given to me in how that can be changed, except with the reminder that I received tonight.
God does it. Only Him. And I probably will not see it along the way, but it will be there. He is always, always faithful. I have to recall the times of old and remember His faithfulness to remember He is worthy of my trust in the present and future. I need Him to restore my hope and delight in the waiting, remain steadfast in the present, and rejoice in the answers given in the future.
“Behold, blessed is the one whom God reproves; therefore despise not the discipline of the Almighty. For he wounds, but he binds up; he shatters, but his hands heal. He will deliver you from six troubles; in seven no evil shall touch you. In famine he will redeem you from death, and in war from the power of the sword. You shall be hidden from the lash of the tongue, and shall not fear destruction when it comes. At destruction and famine you shall laugh, and shall not fear the beasts of the earth. For you shall be in league with the stones of the field, and the beasts of the field shall be at peace with you. You shall know that your tent is at peace, and you shall inspect your fold and miss nothing. You shall know also that your offspring shall be many, and your descendants as the grass of the earth. You shall come to your grave in ripe old age, like a sheaf gathered up in its season. Behold, this we have searched out; it is true. Hear, and know it for your good." Job 5:17-27
Saturday, February 07, 2009
All I have is Yours and all You have is mine
John 17:10, Luke 22:39-47
In reading these passages today along with others, I was so struck by John 17:10, in which Jesus is praying and states "all I have is Yours and all You have is mine." It's a meditation of sorts for me for a while, but I wanted to spend some time in the first part of that verse. It also brought the picture of the mentioned passage in Luke to mind as well. Lately I seem to be gaining more from writing in a more abstract manner and allowing God to speak to me through that manner; hence, the poems and lyrics.
All I have is Yours and all You have is mine
The act of always giving but also to receive
Wonder what true love could really bring
Outright deny the cries deep inside
Of the flesh that wishes to fight
And not walk on, numb to it all
All I have is Yours and all You have is mine
The act of both laying down a life
I’ve fallen asleep under the tree
The one I love has been crying out for me
A cold hardened heart that has yet to see
As I walk on, numb to it all
All I have is Yours and all You have is mine
An act of redemption giving sacrifice
Yes, there’s a love that fights
One that cries deep inside
Wishing to break free of the flesh that restrains
And run the risk of a broken heart
All I have is Yours and all You have is mine
An act of giving up control and letting go
Wondering how to learn nothing is mine
Yet I find there’s a freedom in loving
Of living a life of sacrifice
I’ll run the risk of a broken heart
All I have is Yours and all You have is mine
What a precious reward for giving up a life
In reading these passages today along with others, I was so struck by John 17:10, in which Jesus is praying and states "all I have is Yours and all You have is mine." It's a meditation of sorts for me for a while, but I wanted to spend some time in the first part of that verse. It also brought the picture of the mentioned passage in Luke to mind as well. Lately I seem to be gaining more from writing in a more abstract manner and allowing God to speak to me through that manner; hence, the poems and lyrics.
All I have is Yours and all You have is mine
The act of always giving but also to receive
Wonder what true love could really bring
Outright deny the cries deep inside
Of the flesh that wishes to fight
And not walk on, numb to it all
All I have is Yours and all You have is mine
The act of both laying down a life
I’ve fallen asleep under the tree
The one I love has been crying out for me
A cold hardened heart that has yet to see
As I walk on, numb to it all
All I have is Yours and all You have is mine
An act of redemption giving sacrifice
Yes, there’s a love that fights
One that cries deep inside
Wishing to break free of the flesh that restrains
And run the risk of a broken heart
All I have is Yours and all You have is mine
An act of giving up control and letting go
Wondering how to learn nothing is mine
Yet I find there’s a freedom in loving
Of living a life of sacrifice
I’ll run the risk of a broken heart
All I have is Yours and all You have is mine
What a precious reward for giving up a life
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Chord
I don't even know how to classify this. These are words that came together when I was sitting in quiet letting God reveal my heart to me. I've been all over the place, to be honest. Yet, it is interesting to find in these words how what I have experienced in the capacity of daughter, child, lover, adult, etc. in both my relationship with God and the men in my life influence me greatly. These words cannot be interpreted to just one meaning or one type of relationship. It's a chord of sorts that comes together to reveal a whole bunch of notes that make a distinct sound. It's not as clean as just one note. Yet; hopefully the chord is playing correctly to reveal the intent of the artist, and in time the other notes and chords will come. For now, I'm learning one chord at a time. Here is one.
You say I’m your daughter
You call me to be Yours
To fill me with laughter
and a love that’s joyfully pure
With one hand You twirl me around
curls from around my face bounce
and with the other You bring me back
into Your arms
Daddy’s little girl
Still remember it just like yesterday
Daddy’s little girl
Used to hang on to every word he would say
Daddy’s little girl
He was the only man in my eyes
Daddy’s little girl
And He always says I’m His
Why does it seem now I’m walking away
Walking on, learning to walk alone
Yeah, sure I’m learning to stand on my own
Face the world with the confidence you have shown
Yet why does it seem to difficult to learn?
Maybe it’s because the best dads know
that it’s better to let her go
and let her find within her love to return
You speak Your word over me
Your wisdom always pours forth
to guide me out with truth
and the knowledge I can learn
With one hand You squeeze me tighter
like it’s the last hug for a while
and with the other You finally let go
and send me out
Daddy’s little girl
It now seems like so long ago
Daddy’s little girl
Sometimes He’s now harder to know
Daddy’s little girl
Wish He could be the only man in my eyes still
Daddy’s little girl
Because I’m always going to be his
Sometimes I wish I could return to the innocent bliss
Carefree, just a life of simplicity
Yeah, I know I’ve always wanted to grow
To go and make my own way
Yet why do I now want to return?
Maybe it’s because of the love
The kind that made her grow
And now has set her out on her own
You say I’m your lover
You beckon me to be Yours
to fill me with passion
and a love that’s joyfully pure
With one hand You take me in
My breathing slows
and with the other You bring me closer
into Your arms
You say I’m your daughter
You call me to be Yours
To fill me with laughter
and a love that’s joyfully pure
With one hand You twirl me around
curls from around my face bounce
and with the other You bring me back
into Your arms
Daddy’s little girl
Still remember it just like yesterday
Daddy’s little girl
Used to hang on to every word he would say
Daddy’s little girl
He was the only man in my eyes
Daddy’s little girl
And He always says I’m His
Why does it seem now I’m walking away
Walking on, learning to walk alone
Yeah, sure I’m learning to stand on my own
Face the world with the confidence you have shown
Yet why does it seem to difficult to learn?
Maybe it’s because the best dads know
that it’s better to let her go
and let her find within her love to return
You speak Your word over me
Your wisdom always pours forth
to guide me out with truth
and the knowledge I can learn
With one hand You squeeze me tighter
like it’s the last hug for a while
and with the other You finally let go
and send me out
Daddy’s little girl
It now seems like so long ago
Daddy’s little girl
Sometimes He’s now harder to know
Daddy’s little girl
Wish He could be the only man in my eyes still
Daddy’s little girl
Because I’m always going to be his
Sometimes I wish I could return to the innocent bliss
Carefree, just a life of simplicity
Yeah, I know I’ve always wanted to grow
To go and make my own way
Yet why do I now want to return?
Maybe it’s because of the love
The kind that made her grow
And now has set her out on her own
You say I’m your lover
You beckon me to be Yours
to fill me with passion
and a love that’s joyfully pure
With one hand You take me in
My breathing slows
and with the other You bring me closer
into Your arms
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