Mustard Seed Revisited

It was weird. Tonight I got done with the things I needed to do and wanted to set off to have some down time with God, but for once, I didn’t know what to do. Normally I have some inkling or leading one way or another, but I was actually at a loss. I found myself going to my room to see what God would lead me to do. As I was sitting on my floor, I looked at the very bottom shelf of my bookcase that has all of my handwritten journals. My fingers ran over them as I picked out my green leather one. I couldn’t remember when I started it, but I opened the pages regardless. Out of it fell a clump of papers. I have many of these clumps of papers together, as I type a lot of things out on my computer and then print them to read it later. I was even looking at many of the clumps I have up by my bed the other night. I had forgotten this clump of papers though.

What I found were my notes for speaking at Summer Crusade this past summer, August 15, 2007. God led me to speak on faith that night, and the main passage He gave me was Matthew 17:14-21:
When they came to the crowd, a man approached Jesus and knelt before him. “Lord, have mercy on my son,” he said. “He has seizures and is suffering greatly. He often falls into the fire or into the water. I brought him to your disciples but they could not heal him.” “O unbelieving and perverse generation,” Jesus replied, “how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy here to me.” Jesus rebuked the demon and it came out of the boy, and he was healed from that moment. Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, “why couldn’t we drive it out?” He replied, “because you have so little faith, I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

With this passage, God led me to share my own testimony of faith that has been a common theme throughout my life, that being of having a hearing loss and trusting God for the healing of it. Last summer was the time God began speaking tremendously to me specifically about the healing of my hearing loss. He began to bring something into fruition I had come to know two years prior when my eyes were first opened to the passage of The Boy Born Blind in John 9. He began to open up my ears for the first times. I remember the music that night at the Mill as I heard with Jesus’ ears, not my own. He began to show me what it was to ask boldly in His name, trusting that He hears. He began to fulfill prophecy manifested in my life, such as Isaiah 35:3-5: “Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way, say to those with fearful hearts, “Be strong, do not fear, your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you.” Then the eyes of the blind will be opened and the ears of the deaf unstopped.” He started me on the path of beginning to leave behind everything I have known in my life with my hearing loss, and walking onward in faith. He brought me back to His purpose not just in this healing, but in my entire life: that I may know Him more and love Him more, and regardless of anything that did or did not happen, that I may be able to walk onward and praise Him. I began praying with the elders of my church, calling upon the truth in James 5: Is anyone of you sick? He should call on the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. He began these intermittent times of open ears. He began so many things last summer. I spoke of these lessons and what God had been doing in my life as an example of learning how to have faith like a mustard seed.

The mustard seed concept really struck me anew again tonight though. As I continued to read through journals up until now, I began to see clearly.

I’ve been particularly fascinated with the process of death/growth as I see it around me in nature this year. I have watched the old die away, the chaff burn, as it did this summer in the hills of SLO. I have watched the rains come and bring about grass sprouting from the ground, little peeks of green in a sea of old chaff. I have watched the old chaff completely fall away in order to allow the new green grass to flourish. I have seen the vibrancy of spring green. And as of late, I have seen the wildflowers, such as the mustard seed flowers, in bloom. This year I’ve been so struck at the concept of God making all things new. He certainly does, in His timing and His ordering. There is a process that exists and each is interdependent upon one another.

At the very beginning of last summer, the mustard seed flowers that had been in bloom all spring were dying or gone. They had fallen to the ground and died in order to bring a new crop in its own time. It was back to the beginning of the cycle, if you will, the tiny little seed. You couldn’t really see the visible fruit of the seed, as it was only that at the time: a seed. Yet though the seeds were tiny, they possessed enormous potential for growth in its proper time. It was this concept I was so struck by this summer, that if we have faith as small as a mustard seed, we can move mountains. I was amazed that the mustard seed is the smallest of seeds yet can produce one of the biggest crops. I wondered what it would look like if I had that same kind of faith, as God was largely walking me into such a time with my hearing.

Tonight as I looked upon these writings and remembered that time, I was amazed at where I stood then and what God was doing and teaching me. I was humbled to remember the scriptures He has spoken throughout this process and how He is ever faithful to answer them. It was sweet to remember the first times of God opening up my ears. But then I remembered and saw something very important that has been easy for me to neglect: I was still wearing both of my hearing aids at that time.

Last night I had a strange leading to look at the calendar and see how long it has been since I took out my last hearing aid. It’s been 18 weeks. Over 4 months.

And tonight I needed to remember where I was then in order to truly see how far He’s brought me since then.

I wore hearing aids then.

I don’t now.

To some degree I still have a hearing loss right now. But the dynamics of that? Changed. Branded by it? No longer.

I have stopped trying to classify it and explain it in words because it simply is. God has not changed from the time those promises were spoken into light. He is still ever faithful. And regardless of how my hearing continues to change, it’s really not the point. It never was. The miracle is never greater than the Giver. The aspect of hearing in the flesh is never greater than hearing of the Spirit.

And this miracle He’s been bringing has really come a long way, longer than I realized. It’s truly hard to grasp that just 8 months ago, I was wearing both hearing aids. It’s hard to grasp that I haven’t worn any for the last 4 months. In light of both of those facts, I’m amazed at how much truly has changed in that time. What appears small and insignificant on the surface has been monumental. Is there still a ways to go? Yes. But He continues to bring about what He said He would do.

Because like I said, it’s still not the biggest thing.

In my notes from speaking at Crusade, I had this one blip of a bullet point statement that said “need to embrace my weakness in order to embrace Jesus’ strength.”

In many ways, I think that’s the point. In every aspect and every way, I must embrace my weakness as a human of the flesh in order to embrace Jesus’ strength and power of the Divine. He must become greater, I must become less.

It’s springtime in SLO right now, and though the grass is falling away, the mustard seed is in full bloom. That’s what brings me back to the mustard seed-the seed that was just a seed this summer has grown and is in full bloom. I’ve been through some fields of these flowers lately and they are taller than me, and dense as could be. The mustard seed has stayed true to its qualities, and has come about in its proper time.

I find myself wondering as I reminisce about wandering through these fields as of late if my faith truly has bloomed in the way that these mustard seeds have. As I’ve read through these various things tonight, I am awed and humbled by the growth God has brought about this year, as He truly has done amazing things. In many ways, I now see the growth of faith. But if I were to say that I have arrived at where I am supposed to be; that is, that my faith has bloomed in the way the mustard seed plants have, it would not be true. Is there ever a day in this life where I will truly attain the likeness of Christ? No, because as long as I am bound to this world there will still be an imperfection. It is only on that glorious day when I return home that I will be fully redeemed. But we are still to strive all the while to attain His righteousness. I see the same with my faith. There will always be a deeper level and stronger measure I can strive to attain, that through knowing Him and the promise of His word, I may see them come into fruition. Just like earlier, dare I reduce the limits of Creator to that of creature? My faith, in all its “perfection” it could attain, would still be lesser.

The mustard seed flower flourishes right now, but soon it will die once again and be reduced to seed. Why does the mustard seed grow and die in an endless cycle? Because there is this process of death that brings growth. There’s this process of dying to ourselves and our limits over and over again that brings about new growth. I think the surrender to dying becomes easier with time, because we have been through enough cycles to know that God is always faithful. I think the actual deaths to which we die each time become more difficult, because harder ground has to be broken to bring about more growth. It has to get deeper. Yet we can cling to the fact that it will always bring about a time of flourishing and growth, and the levels of depth of which we know God will continue to increase.

Yet the mustard seed will always be what it is and have what it does: the potential for something great. I remember that tonight. I remember the aspect of faith as a mustard seed having the power to move mountains.

And all that’s really required is that we seek and believe.

There is tremendous power in that.

May we always remember it is by Jesus name we are bought, called, and saved, and through Him, nothing is impossible.

The Greatest Song of Them All

When the time comes to pen these words
May they be thrown away
because the greatest song has already been written
It's the crashing of the waves
The fluttering of flowers in the breeze
The chirps of birds carried through the air
The clapping of the trees
It's Your creation, Lord
Singing the greatest song of all
They know nothing else but to move to the rhythm of Your voice
to respond to the grip of Your hand
Do they need words? They dare not
Because words mask out the music around
It's always in tune, every part
And dare I sit here
and not let Your creation move my heart?
So here I sit in Your presence, my words silent
As I listen to the greatest song of them all

Precarious Mountaintop

I found this poem in my sketchbook tonight. I had forgotten about it. I wrote it over Spring Break when I was having a really difficult time with the implication of what it means to run after God and my position in that. Thought I would share it here.

March 24, 2008
They say if I climb to the tallest of mountains
I would surely find you there
The words are ringing true as I'm climbing
straining, running out of air
For at the top it's just you and me there now
I stand firmly upon the rock
that before me has been set
Yet the prince of the air circles about
waiting to try his luck just yet
And I wonder why this place you have brought me
is the firmest but most precarious yet
For it is nearer to the Heavens I am now
but to the elements of the air I'm fully exposed
Can You understand my reservation, my hesitation
to the results of obedience's path that has led?
You have not yet called me home
and still in this world I reside
The path of seeking righteousness brings about toils and troubles
that the flesh so easily caves
Dear Lord, You know I have taken up Your cross
and to all it brings I will humbly obey
Yet I pray upon this precarious mountaintop
You tether me to Your arms
So when the things of this world and prince of this air come about
causing me to say, I will not fall
Because if left alone, I surely may
You are my cornerstone. Only You.
And You alone.
You must be my all in all.
You alone.

Lamentation

I'm broken before the Lord, seeing the many ways in which I have sinned and grieved Him. The tears have been flowing for a while now as I see and realize the ways I have acted, taking things into my own hands that never should've been. This passage speaks near and dear to my heart in this time...

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end
they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.
"The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."
The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.
It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.
It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth.
Let him sit alone in silence when it is laid upon him;
let him put his mouth in the dust--there may yet be hope;
let him give his cheek to the one who strikes, and let him be filled with insults.
For the Lord will not cast off forever,
but though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love,
for he does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men...
Who has spoken and it came to pass, unless the Lord has commanded it?
Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that good and bad come?
Why should a living man complain, a man, about the punishment of his sins?
Let us test and examine our ways and return to the Lord!

Lamentations 3:21-33, 37-40

One Who Sticks Closer than a Brother

“A man of too many companions comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” Proverbs 18:24

I don’t think I’ve ever quite experienced having two different emotions at the same time that on the surface contradict each other, but in reality perfectly complement one another. But it is possible, I am learning.

For those of you who don’t know, my best friend is going on a year-long missions trip next year to East Asia with Campus Crusade for Christ. The time for her to go is nearing more and more each day, moreso in the reality that this quarter is ending and we are each respectively going home for the summer. I will see her before her training time before she leaves the country in August though.

It’s been coming together for a while now, but it really all started to hit me tonight at our weekly Campus Crusade meeting when they were talking about the team that is currently there. She will be part of the team “taking over” that team. I could include more practical details about it, but that’s really not the point of this entry.

I looked over at her as they were playing the slideshow of the current team and talking about them, and she was steady as can be while I was trying to keep it together. In looking at her, I
was completely overwhelmed with everything. The woman who I am humbled to call my best friend is one of incredible strength and grace. In looking at her tonight, it was as if I remembered the three years of lessons, trials, joys and sorrows she has been through all in one. And she has never been more ready to go than now. I’m overwhelmed at the measure of God’s hand working in her life to bring her to this point. She was apologizing to me the other day for a conversation we had over the weekend, in which she thought she was “messy.” Perhaps the words were, but the heart was not. There is this remarkable full surrender in her life that is more tangible than she knows. She is no longer holding anything on her own. And she has never been more ready to go than now.

Yesterday we sat in the exact same spot on campus in which we had our first long, serious talk our Freshman year. I remember that girl well. I remember her being guarded, both timid and prideful at the same time. I remember her attempting to learn what it meant to give and receive love with the people around her, allowing others to come in. But still then, God had His hand in her, as He always does. Her walls started coming down. She started embracing the freedom found in our Lord. She started to learn what it meant to truly step out in faith and let God move. She started learning what it looks like to fall in love with God, not simply just know Him through the mind.

That was when I first came to know her. It would take me days upon end to write of what God has done in her and with her in the last two years since Freshman year. But in reality, I think where she stands now says enough, for it is through those lessons learned that she stands where she is now.

I see a woman beyond description. I see one fully branded with the mark and love of God that sets her apart. I see one whose love for God flows out to all those around her, as she understands her love is not her own. I see one who is bearing fruit in every area of her life, especially as of late, because of her full surrender to Him. I see her family challenged and changed by the character God has given her. I see one who is a faithful and trusted confidant of more people than one could imagine. I see one who always pursues our Lord, no matter what the cost. I see one who is strong because she is now realizing her strength is not her own. I see one full of grace because she receives it from the source. I see one fully humble because she is understanding nothing is her own. I see one whose love for truth only pushes her further. I see one fully at rest, a contradiction to who she normally is. I see all of this and so much more, and it is through her complete surrender to the Lord that these things are.

And when I see this and think about the path that God has led her on throughout her life, but particularly the last couple of years to bring her to this point, I am overwhelmed. She has never been more ready to go than now. I cannot tell you what happens inside of me when I think about what God is going to do in her and around her this next year. She is truly being anointed with the Spirit of the Sovereign Lord to bring the good news and so much more. That’s what excites me the most, because she herself, will not be doing or accomplishing anything, but only the Spirit through her will. The possibilities are endless. When one does not place any limit upon what God can do with him/her, one opens up the expanse of all infinite power of our God to move. The Creator has His way in His creature. That is the way it should be, but so few get it. She does.

The complementary emotion comes with me realizing what a friend and blessing I have in her. I think I am overwhelmed both at what I have been given in her and in the reality of her not being here next year. She truly is my “right-hand woman.” She is one of few people in my life that knows me, fully and completely. She is one in whom I can find rest, and for me, those people are few. Some would say we are inseparable, and to some extent we are. However, I think people miss something deeper. There is a bond between us that I know is inseparable even across an entire ocean, because we are bonded together by the Spirit. That can never be severed. And though I know we won’t be in the same physical place next year, I know our friendship is firmly built upon the rock of Christ. But that isn’t to say that I won’t miss her. Because I will. Quite a bit.

She’s told me many times over the years what my friendship means to her. I don’t think I’ve told her fully or enough what hers means to me. Perhaps part of that is due to the fact I haven’t had quite a full understanding of it until now. In so many ways I’ve taken her for granted. She has loved me fully and unconditionally. She has pursued me unlike anyone I’ve ever known. She has been the most steady presence in my life over the past three years. She has laughed with me, cried with me, listened like no other, and has rejoiced with me. She has always let me be who I am to the fullest. I don’t think I’ve felt quite that same freedom with anyone else.
I’ve often told her that if people want to learn how to best love me in the way I communicate and receive love, they should look to her. And I still stand by that statement.

She is much more than just a friend. She’s my confidant, my accountability, my sister, my best friend. One who sticks closer than a brother.

And I’ve never been more thankful for her than now.

Quickening

The beating of my heart measures the pace of the silence
It’s quickening
It’s where words cease and the Spirit moves
It’s quickening
The flesh learns the act of decaying to bring about something beautiful
It’s quickening
A new melody plays setting the tune on the path to walk
It’s quickening
The days longer and nights shorter yet still governed in its own
It’s quickening
Flowers pushing forth through dried up dirt
It’s quickening
The elements of creation displaying the revolution stirring
It’s quickening
It’s what cannot be explained and where words always fail
It’s quickening
There’s a restoration in the midst of eternal breaking
It’s quickening
The beating of my heart aligns with the pace of God’s moving
It’s quickening
God has been ever sovereign still, the ordainer of all time
But my heart quickens
Because I am learning to see and respond
That's quickening

There's No Time Like the Present

"There is no time like the present..."
That statement is true in many ways, but possesses extreme danger if we take the liberty that statement gives and use it in the wrong way. I heard this statement said tonight in regards to being in college and the ministry field we have around us as students. We were exhorted to make the most out of the opportunity we have now. And for the first time in my many times of hearing this, I see the grave danger in this statement. In all the previous times hearing this statement, I have responded to some degree or another, desiring to go out and make the most out of the present time and the people around me, wanting to be more effective for the Gospel, because after all, "there is no time like the present," right? But every time I have done so, it has failed. And I understand why now. Nothing can be accomplished without the Holy Spirit, and so little can happen without the filling of the Holy Spirit.

Look at Peter. He had the best of intentions and one of the greatest hearts, but he so often rushed ahead of Jesus' timing. He was quick to respond to walk on water but the lack of full knowledge and faith in Jesus caused him to start sinking. This is just one example of many. Over time, he learned these valuable lessons. Jesus later asked him the the same question three times, "Peter, do you love me?" and in that time, Peter had started to get it. Not until after Pentecost came and he received the Holy Spirit did the ministry Jesus gave to him fully start and came into fruition. The keys to the Kingdom of Heaven Jesus promised to give were given and used. But not without a right understanding of who Jesus is or the filling of the Holy Spirit was this done. We can do all we want before this happens, but it is so dangerous. We wonder why as Christians we are often ineffective. We don't see that we don't understand who Jesus is and the importance of the Holy Spirit. We don't understand the authority the Father has given us through them. And we keep wondering why we keep missing the point.

Up until now, I have missed that point, but I will do so no longer. Nothing good or effective can be birthed out of us; it is only through the Father's love, the Redemption of the Son, and the indwelling and filling of the Spirit. And that's where the truth of the statement "there is no time like the present" comes in--because there is no time like the present to earnestly seek out and learn these things. It is not only our Spiritual health and well-being that depends on it, but all the lives of others around us as well. And though our culture does not say to wait, Jesus does, and we must trust in His sovereignty in all people and all circumstances that as we wait upon Him and learn what we must, He is working. He is not dependent upon us to get His will done on this earth. We must not reduce Creator to the limits of creature. But He has given us the gift of participating in His grand scheme in this world and the filling of power in order to do so.

But that must first come with a right understanding of Father, Son, and Spirit, and a change of heart in obedience and surrender as a result. An easy task? No. But He will reveal Himself to the hearts of men who seek Him out. And for that?

There's no time like the present.