The Ordinary rather than Extraordinary

I was driving up I-25 today and was hit with a medley of profound thoughts as to what God has been leading me and teaching me as of late…

I am so used to the extraordinary. My life has been full of it in many different aspects. I’ve been reminded so much of something John said to me at the end of the summer in that I expect the extraordinary out of every moment when some moments are just meant to be ordinary. And it’s so true. I could get into some examples of that, but I won’t tonight.

With that, I think I have been focused on reaching the ends of the earth before fully reaching my Jerusalem, Judea and Samaria. And part of that has been for a purpose. I believe over the last quarter God opened my eyes to what it looks like to go to the ends of the earth and did a heck of a lot of character refinement in me in order to bring me to the end of myself and to a point in which I willingly say “yes” to whatever God has in it. I needed to learn what it looks like to be willing to forsake all comfort purely for the sake of the Gospel and serving my Lord simply out of the overflow of my heart’s love for Him. I needed to learn what His exclamation of “if You love me, You will obey my commands” truly looks like.

But as of late, I find a new question God is asking me, and that is am I willing to serve Him in the ordinary? I’ve been learning so much about this over break especially in serving my family in the little things. It is something I struggle a lot in as I am so independent and want to do my own thing, but I prayed last week that God would give me a servant’s heart towards my family. It has been one of the sweetest things…my brother has been in and out of the hospital with bad kidney stones and in the midst of holidays, there was certainly a lot to do. And at times I wondered what the purpose of it was.

I was reading the last chapter of The Pursuit of God and Tozer talks about how we so often separate the spiritual from the secular when it should not be so. He talks of how things should all be spiritual, as we can glorify God in everything we do, even the most common of things. Certainly there are things in life that are more important than others and that should be taken into consideration, but if we drive ourselves to divide spiritual from secular, we miss the point. I’ve been so thankful for this chapter and book over the last 3 months as God has spoken largely through it…

And with the serving my family thing, I realized that the best thing I could be doing this week was baking the cookies for my mom, wrapping the presents under the tree, cleaning the house, picking up my aunt, all of those little things that I always used to pass over. I didn’t realize how much of a blessing it was to her until God broke me of my selfish nature and poured through me allowing me to do such things. The ordinary has so much to teach me…so much…

I’ve always been the one doing the latest and greatest thing, and I think it’s become something that I have come to expect of myself and others expect of me. However, this should not be. The only expectation I should have is to simply follow the Lord and allow Him to lead as He wishes. And I think it’s an interesting time the Lord is bringing me into, and that is simply being in the ordinary. That means doing something most people will probably not quite understand, while others will understand greatly. That means that instead of going abroad to serve the Lord sometime in the next year, I may perhaps be going home to CO and simply being there. That’s the ordinary, not the extraordinary…but that doesn’t mean something is to be overlooked…

See, God is doing a great work in my heart in breaking it for my family. As my brother was in immense pain Sunday night, I was with him and stroked his head in an attempt to calm him down, and my heart broke for him for the first time. For the first time I saw him through God’s eyes and not my own. God is so gracious to allow us the opportunity to begin a relationship that we have never had before. I feel such a strong pull towards my dad, and I know God is doing a revolutionary work in his heart, which is far too complicated to explain here. I see my mom’s curiosity and growth in the Lord which needs someone to walk alongside in. And I see myself and how for the first time I feel a strong pull towards my family instead of away from it in my independent nature. I simply broke in this as I was driving in Denver today, and realized it’s a change only God can do…I realized that there is a role in my family that God has placed me in that only I can fulfill. And perhaps it’s time to accept the common thing and walk into it.

John was showing me the back of his new book today and it mentioned something that stood out to me tremendously, as I know I do this. It spoke of something to the effect that in our worship of God we completely neglect those around us. It’s like our worship to God and focus on Him becomes an excuse not to open our eyes to our surroundings. It’s so true, and I’m thankful God’s opened my eyes to this.

I say this all tonight not as a declaration of what God is going to do and how He is going to lead, for I do not know such things. I say this as an observation of what God has done and perhaps where He may be leading based on Scripture and what He’s done in my heart. The only declaration I dare make is that God is on the move, and His spirit will blow in the direction He chooses, regardless of whether I know it or not. What is required of me is a willing obedience to do whatever it is He has.

And for me at least in this time, it’s to do the common thing. It’s to live in the ordinary rather than the extraordinary.

Not of Conformity

When we are immersed in our culture to the point where we can't see creation anymore, then we must have an incorrect view of God. We forget that our God is a God of creation and not a God fabricated by culture. He will not conform Himself to the world's ways, but rather makes the world conform to His. There is such a danger of being blinded by our culture that we lose sight of who God really is. We must be in the world but not of it, as we belong to the Kingdom of Heaven. We must remember that He is faithful in every way, a God of longsuffering love.

Understanding an Act of Three Years Ago

I look at the wall of my room right now where I placed a huge white cross on the wall covering up all of my sports photos. That came at a time my senior year of high school in which I had just quit my final sport, basketball, in final obedience to what God had been calling me to do for so long. It took me several months to finally obey God in what He had told me to do for so long, and when I did, I felt like I had lost everything. Because at that time, I had. My entire identity was found in that I was Elise, the athlete, and I seemed to live for the next game or practice or newspaper article and stats which could feed my pride in a way it didn’t need to be, as it was surely hungry enough already. I remember the night I put that cross up. I was wrestling so much with God and myself in this ‘lost’ identity I had suffered. In my heart I knew I wanted and needed Christ to reign supreme, but as I looked at all of the photos of 8 years of sports, my life, it left such a bitter taste in my mouth and I was grieving. I knew I had to do something in order to bring about change and remind me daily of why I had made that decision. So I grabbed the roll of paper that had been in my closet for several years, got my chair, and made a cross the entire height of my wall, the center covering up the first athletic letter I received playing basketball. It was a tangible way to remember every single time I looked at that wall, that though I didn’t understand why God had me make such a decision, it was purposeful and I had to learn to trust Him in it. It still remains up to this day. I have never taken it down, and have never been able to fully do so.

But as I sit in my room tonight, I am so thankful for such a reminder. That time in my life has come up so much over the past couple of months as I remember that what I thought was eventual obedience to God was really disobedience. I inflicted so much upon myself that didn’t need to be. God is not one to be bargained with as I thought at that time. He has surely far more sway than I ever will. Who was I to make my life my own when He is the source? Who was I to wrong God in that way? But through that process, I remember, and I am not so casual with my obedience to God as I was then. I am learning the importance of what it truly means to heed the Spirit the instant it changes direction. I am learning what it means to make my yes be yes and my no be no. I am learning that I must never possess anything, for nothing is mine to possess. I could so easily say I have learned these things already, as God has taught me a great deal already. Yet I won’t. For for me to say that would be saying I’ve already reached the goal and received the prize. My journey is not yet done. There are still lessons I continue to learn and will be refined in over time, and even still, new ones will always come. But I am thankful that God brings these stepping stones along the way, so I can remember what happened then so I may choose a different way now. I’m thankful that nothing is lost in His sight, but that every single incident in our life is purposeful. It’s been over 3 years since I put up that cross. In a lot of ways, it has taken 3 years to understand its purpose.

I understand it now. And for that I am eternally grateful. Praise be to my God who ordains all things…!

Put in my Place

I think so often I look for or expect the profound in every moment...that somehow I will continue to unearth the deep mysteries of God and myself and His movings. I think that as of late as my words and thoughts have been few, I feel I'm not learning or growing in a way that I should be. I've been forgetting that perhaps the reason why I feel so blind as to what is happening is that God's been directing my focus to Him. And in that gaze, I realize that His ways are inscrutable (Rom 11:33).

I don't want to be in a place where I am complacent and not seeking Him in the way I should. Yet I think I see that in my searching for what results are coming from my seeking after the Lord, I miss that the means really are the results. One example is worrying about not being complacent shows that I am not complacent, otherwise it wouldn't come across my mind. In so many ways, the season God has me in now is so contrary to who I am and have always been to some degree, and I try to measure this season based on last season's standards. Yet in this time, the standard is different. The Lord is doing a new thing, and I must choose to acknowledge that, whether or not I perceive it yet. Things are surely changing, as God is on the move...it's pretty exciting! Despite the excitement, it is my prayer that I don't miss out on what God is doing in each moment.

Things will come and go, but God will always remain; He is the true constant.

I guess I've been put in my place if you will; that God is God in heaven and I am here on earth. Therefore I will let my words be few (Ecc 5:2).

He is surely good!
(I took these pictures over Utah/Colorado when I was flying home for break)

New Life! (and not just the church either...)

I've been wanting for a couple of days now to write my thoughts on what God has revealed to me in the midst of what many would call tragedy at New Life Church in Colorado Springs. For those of you who don't know, I was born and raised in Colorado Springs, and this church is less than 5 minutes away from where my parents live and where I lived in high school. I've been to many of their services over the years; in particular, their student services, and I still have many, many friends and people I know that belong to this church. News from there hits pretty close to home. When the news of former pastor Ted Haggard hit over a year ago, I wrote these thoughts on it which you can find at this link:


And over a year later and a shooting occurring at that church last week, God has once opened my eyes to what He is doing in it, and also what He has been doing over the last year. It amazes me what these things are, but even further still, it amazes me that what I see only scratches the surface.

I was still in San Luis Obispo when the shooting happened and heard about it from John and also my best friend at home who is heavily involved in this church. It was interesting because if I had been on a normal holiday schedule for coming home, I probably would've been at that church that day. However, I wasn't, and I do understand some of the reasons why now, but those I won't get into. When I arrived home last Wednesday, I was hearing things firsthand from people and also was placed into the environment in which this event happened. But it really wasn't that clear until I was driving to do some holiday shopping one day and drove by another church, on which they had their marquee "New Life, we are praying for you!"

I broke into tears when I saw that, completely overwhelmed at it and it came to me that God is uniting the Body of Christ in this event. It's not just in Colorado Springs, but so much further than that. I think in our human tendencies as American churches we get caught up in pride and identify ourselves with the name of a church and the things that are happening there, when above all, we should be identifying ourselves with the Body of Christ. The Body of Christ surpasses all church walls and all divisions that we impose upon it. I see that happening with this, and it's an incredible thing to see.

As I meditated on this, I realized something else. What many would consider a tragedy, I believe God is using it as restoration for a wound suffered a year ago by the falling of Pastor Ted. After that event, New Life was thrust into the limelight not for what it truly is, a part of the Body of Christ that looks to Him alone as a leader, but rather another American church that had a leader doing immoral things, showing hypocrisy. Sure, people seemed to give praise to how the church staff handled it, but for the past year, that is largely what New Life has been known for. The shooting that occurred last week seemed to begin to thrust that out of the limelight, and the press has something else to focus on. Yet God remains sovereign over all, and in the midst of all of this press coverage, people are seeing a church that truly seeks out Christ and Christ alone. People are seeing something real, not a religion that tries to act or hide, but a people deeply in love with their Savior and looking to Him alone. They are seeing a humble leader in the new pastor, Brady Boyd. They are seeing a people respond by praising and forgiving, not out of fear or hatred towards the event.

And as I spoke with my Godmother who attends this church about this, she said that the theme of the church over the last year has been "Overcome." God has laid this on their hearts for quite some time, and they are overcoming in tremendous ways.

I went to New Life on Sunday with John and found myself taken away by the presence of God in that place. This church and this part of the body of Christ are overcoming because they are and have been looking to the One who overcame first, the One who says that we would have troubles in this world but to take heart for He has overcome it. Surely He reigns supreme! I believe that Christ has made Himself and is the center of that church, and with that said, all glory be to Him!

I strongly encourage you to watch this, at least the first 5-10 minutes of it. It is a video of the service on Sunday and reeks of the Spirit. Witness for yourself what God is doing and who He is!
Glory be to Him!

A Greater Thing Unseen

I think I’ve seen so much
The things that come or go or stay
All linger with my Creator’s touch
That the moments I experience
I drink deeper from the fount of love
Because my eyes open and I see
The intricate workings of my God

For what can I say of the beauty of it all?
Of the great things seen, a redemption of the fall
The hearts of men come into tune and respond
To Your grace and love of You Holy Lord, the Unspeakable One

But a deeper drink from the fount
Leaves an unquenched thirst
And then my mind wonders of the
things unseen and my heart comes
to sing of the mystery
that I haven’t seen anything yet

For what can I say of the beauty of it all?
Of a greater thing unseen, a further display of your love
The hearts of men come into praise to worship and fall
into Your grace and love of You Holy Lord, the Unspeakable One

For what can I say of the beauty of it all?
Of a greater thing unseen, the intricate workings of my God?

Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable His ways! For WHO HAS KNOWN THE MIND OF THE LORD, OR WHO BECAME HIS COUNSELOR? Or WHO HAS FIRST GIVEN TO HIM THAT IT MIGHT BE PAID BACK TO HIM AGAIN? For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen. Romans 11: 33-36

Pause...

Remembering...it is something that always happens around this time of the year and at the end of the quarter, that it seems almost a natural occurrence. It didn't come as naturally for me today as it has in the past, but it came.  Earlier on this week I decided that I would take a drive up Highway 1 sometime before I went home to Colorado for Christmas.  I needed to get away from the things that have seemed to numb my mind as of late and be stimulated once again...and be ushered into the presence of God that surrounds me constantly, whether I am aware of it or not...

It was a beautiful day, starting out mostly cloudy making for the most spectacular light over the ocean.  Time ceased to exist as I drank in the sights I saw around each bend.  I got out from time to time to take pictures, and with each opening of the car door I was greeted by a strong wind and a smell of freshness and abundance that brings new life to the soul.  It was a cold day on the coast, except up high on the cliffs where I was sheltered from the wind and warmed by the sun.   I drove for three hours barely thinking, just listening to worship music and living fully in the moment.  

My turnaround point I had made for myself before I started so I wouldn't drive past what I could handle in one day by myself was the town of Big Sur.  I approached it and drove through it, and it was as if I were in a foreign land compared to where I'd been for the past couple of hours.  The ocean vanished from view and I was surrounded by greenery and trees that touched the sky, a beautiful sight, but one completely unexpected.  I was intimidated by it because it changed so drastically, but then I remembered the words of David, saying "surely You are in the valley and I knew it not."  I was comforted by that fact and my fears ceased because my God is there from the highest of heights to the depths of the sea, from the mountain tops to the valley low.  There is nowhere I can go or flee from His presence. He is everywhere I will ever be...it is my choice to allow Him to manifest His presence to me that I may not only know that truth, but experience it in every moment.

I went back to the cliffs and pulled off the road and stopped to eat lunch I had made that morning.  I simply sat and watched the water move.  For a long time, I have loved the ocean because it's so vast yet intimate at the same time with the waves crashing on the shore beckoning us into its presence.  It has long been a personal metaphor of my relationship with God, in how there's level of depths I have yet to see and understand, but He pursues me relentlessly with the waves always coming onto shore, beckoning me to go in.  But I saw something else with it today.  I've never been that close to the ocean and that high up at the same time.  The ocean is constantly moving, and there's an order and rhythm to it that is seldom seen because of the perspective we have as humans.  Our sight is so limited because we are the ones on the shore.  We see the waves one, maybe two or three at a time, and we only understand each wave and what it entails as it develops.  We didn't see what swelled it up under the surface or exactly how hard or soft it will crash.  Based on past observations, we may be able to guess, but each wave is as unique as each grain of sand on the shore.  And we don't know what is coming much farther out than two or three waves at a time.  Yet, they are ordained, and they are in the perfect order they need to be.  God is constantly on the move in a scale bigger than we can comprehend.  We must know that, whether we can see it or not.  It is a necessity.

After lunch, I got back in my car and started my way back, or more so, the second half of my journey.  I started praying out loud, mixed with singing, mixed with laughter, mixed with tears...mixed with so many different things that only the presence of God can bring.  And I remembered that He is the One who has softened this heart of mine in such a way that the tears come so effortlessly now.  This girl who could barely cry a year and a half ago has been changed.  It's been done only by One.  There is only One who can raise me to the heights He does, to cause the tears flow as He does, to move me in the way He will.  And as the waves have carved away the cliffs of the rugged California coast, so it has been with me...my walls are down.  My defense is gone.  What has taken so long to be stripped away is finally leaving.  God beckons and calls me deeper still.  

And surely the God of which I saw today is capable of doing majestic things within me!  They must be so small in His eyes, yet I make it so big.  I found myself remembering that He doesn't make promises He doesn't intend to fulfill.  He will, and He IS.  I remembered that He doesn't need me to get His will done here on the earth, but I found myself praying that I may take a part in it.  May He be glorified in me in every way, intimately and powerful. 

I find myself in a peace and rest I haven't had in some time now.  I find myself fully resting and praising God for the fact that He simply IS.  I don't have to know or understand the deep truths of everything to simply worship Him because He IS.  May I recognize what is before me and praise Him accordingly.  But above all, may I see how every aspect of my life has been a pursuit of me created according to my needs, who I am, and who I need to be.  My Lord knows me.  He knows every part of me.  He knows when I rise and fall, what is in my heart and my mind before I speak. He knows me, and He loves me the same.  That is surely enough reason for praise.  I praise Him.  

Glory in the highest.  

A Stranger in Stranger's Shoes

It's taken a while for the words to flow, and still to some degree and in some aspects, they don't. I've been realizing that's fully where I was supposed to be. I would say that silence has been my song, and will continue to over the next week. Sometimes I feel like when I don't have anything to say or can't write, then that means I am being apathetic...and sometimes that is the case. But in this, things have changed so much that I don't have the words to describe it. Things are different to the extent I feel like I need a new language invented. I've had the concept of the above picture in my head for a couple of days now because it's the idea that I'm bringing myself into focus. I can see myself in the mirror and I know I am there, but it simply doesn't look like me. I have to allow the new lighting conditions and environment to create this new picture of myself, and then when it's fully in focus I can see it for what it truly is.

Redefining the gaze could be a good way to describe it overall. Over the past few months, circumstances changed drastically in different ways in that God could shape my character through it. There's been a refining after the chaff has been burned away to bring me to the person I am today...and I don't recognize that person at all. It seems so often I am looking a stranger in the mirror or thinking a stranger's thoughts because I feel so detached from who I am. Yet at the same time I know that the air I breathe is the same, the eyes I see through are the same, and these hands that type are the same. Nothing physical on the outside has changed...but that even seems impossible when I am understanding the magnitude to which everything else about me has changed or at least shifted.

Or perhaps it's finding the raw essence of myself. Perhaps all of the fluff and masks and words and activities I used to hide behind have been stripped away. Perhaps my armor and self-defense is finally gone in such a way that only God alone can shape me and I am able to respond. How can one fight a battle when he or she has no weapons of self-defense and has placed them all in the One who stands before him/her? It is greater than simply losing the battle, but choosing to lose it by giving up the weapons possessed. It is recognizing the fact that there is One before self that is far greater and not one we are to conquer; instead, the other is supposed to conquer us. It's the Other that brings the light that allows us to finally see ourselves for how ridiculous we are and how big we have made ourselves to be. It's the Other's shield in which we can see the reflection of ourself for how small we really are. It's in the presence of the Other that we realize it's truly been a battle against ourself and not choosing to surrender in the presence of something greater.

I see now that I've been coming before my God in this way as of late...and I simply surrender at the presence of something greater. No words need to be said...I am simply to lay down my fight and acknowledge the One who is greater...for He will always be.

The battles I used to wage are far gone now, because I know those battles are not my own. They never were. Even the battles I used to wage against myself are gone because I know now that there's simply no point in fighting my Creator's grip. I know not what to do or what to say or how to live, all of that is lived and breathed by the Spirit alone. He is my guide and source of life, dare I heed it? I dare say I will...

Because though I feel a stranger in stranger's shoes, I know that it is still myself, and I am created in the way my Father knows I ought to be. My understanding is frail and small and will always be. I am a finite creature, and God is doing an infinite work within me. That will never change. I must simply respond by laying down my armor and seeing the light of One who is far greater than myself. There is nothing else I need to know about myself other than I am His. He has conquered me.

Fully Yourself

I feel led to post my journal entry from tonight...normally I don't do such things, but perhaps the honesty in which God has been dealing with me in is meant to speak to You as well. May we always look to Him to be fully who He is.

Dear Lord,

Here we are in the middle of November, just a week before Thanksgiving. It’s been so hard for me to come here and simply sit and journal, rest in You, be in the moment. Life is busy with the end of the quarter wrapping up and I have let myself get caught up in that pace in pretty much every moment of my life. I look back to freshman year in which I was journaling about an hour every day because of the fullness of life, and I also knew the necessity of it. I lived and breathed it. Life was simpler than then it is now, but it’s not to say that life isn’t or shouldn’t be simple now. Lord, all that is required of me is that I seek You out and love You. It is as simple as that if I choose to let it be. I look at the adult pressures and responsibilities that are beginning to become more of a reality as time goes by and I see how much of a burden they are. There’s so little freedom in it and so many things holding one back. Kate and I talked about this yesterday in that it is easier and more natural for younger people to go because they don’t have these ties in life holding them down. Yet Lord, it is my prayer that no matter how old I get or how much life changes, that there be only one thing I am tied to-the chains of which that bond me in serving You, my Lord. That is all that is needed and wanted. May there be nothing that holds me down. This life is but a breath in the sight of Heaven my Lord, and when it comes down to the things that really matter, the worldly “burdens” do not. Help me to always see that. Help me to be diligent with those things You have given me to do as I am in the world but not of it, and with that, may these things never become a part of me.

I look at this quarter and much of what has happened and changed and…I don’t know. It’s hard to get into it right now, and I don’t think I am supposed to fully yet. I have been convicted of the many ways in which I have fallen short of the things You have given me to do and the person I am to be. Though these things are difficult for me to swallow, I thank You that You have given me such a clear picture of how I will always fall short…in every aspect of my life; in particular, with leadership this quarter. I am in utter need of Your grace, not just now in this moment, but always. I ask that I be dependent on You in such a way that I am as a baby looking to You for my every need and desire. Surely my Lord, You will carry me and lead me ever so. I do not walk on my own. When I do so, I always stumble and fall. One cannot see without the light. Lord I pray that Your light always be upon me and shine through me in every moment. Lately I don’t see the manifestation of such…in that Your light would shine through me and penetrate others. Lord, I desire that You make Yourself known in and through me, and with that always requires an end of myself. May I die to myself in every moment. May I live in full surrender to You.

Lord, I trust that You are moving ever so, with or without me. I am not required or needed to get Your will done here on this earth. You are fully sovereign, and all of Your wills and desires come from the overflow of who You are, fully sufficient in only Yourself. We are sinful and always fall short. Praise be to You that You are not dependent on us, and knew us before we ever came to be. Praise be to You who sent Your son before creation ever began, fully sovereign in Your plan of salvation and restoration of Your people. Lord, that we would know You as the One true God, that is my prayer. Lord, that we may be made “small and wise” as Brittany has been praying. Lord, that “we may decrease and You may increase,” as John the Baptist stated. Lord, that Your truth would sanctify us in every moment, as You prayed for us. Lord, that regardless of how we feel or act, we would ever know and be fully devoted in the commitment we have in You. You give us nothing less than Your all. May we strive for such.

The literal seasons change my Lord, and so do the spiritual seasons; at least they evolve. May I never cling so tightly to a particular season that I am either not willing to let it go or move on, or that I fail to be fully in the moment. As I said earlier, this life is but a breath. How I must not concern myself or put my hopes in tomorrow because You surely lead as the wind blows. I remember writing a poem this time last year about the leaves falling and bringing a regeneration. I was reminded of this over this week walking on campus and seeing the trees that have either not changed, are changing colors, or have lost most of their leaves completely. I also remember saying something a while back about there being a beauty in death. I wish I had a picture of the pinecone I had earlier today as it reminds me of this so well. But Lord, there is such a beauty in death. When we truly die to ourselves and every aspect of it, it only allows You full room to move and restore. Surely You will bring about more beautiful things that cannot come from the flesh of ours that we so willingly abide in. I am convicted so much lately in how I do not truly crucify my flesh. How easy it is to be distracted and make excuses when we choose to be governed by that instead of by Your truths and Your word.

I seldom know what tomorrow brings, and though it is strange and unfamiliar for me, it is an altogether good place to be. Today is where I am. This is the moment You have for me to be in. I pray I be fully here, fully on my knees giving You praise in the way that You deserve. Your promises ever remain and will be fulfilled in Your timing and Your plans alone. May I never look to those in itself, but rather as an opportunity, no, beckoning call to surrender all to You. Your will be done, my Lord. You know what I ask for. You know that I know You hear me. I expect nothing less of You than to be fully Yourself in every way…

You are fully and wholly Yourself. I cannot pick just one or a couple of attributes here because it would be slighting every aspect of who You are! So Lord, I leave here tonight praising You, the God who calls Yourself, “I am who I am.” That is all that needs to be said and known. Amen.

as surely as the Spirit blows

John 3:8
as surely as the wind blows
so may it be with me
a lack of tethers holding me down
simply flying free
oh that I may hear its sound
and follow it ever so
with what is granted to me
and all that I may know
be prepared to stay
or in a moment go
so may it be
as surely as the wind blows

Bridge
As surely as the spirit blows and carries me into the wind
I fall on my knees and praise and give it all back again

Chorus
To You alone…highly exalted
To You alone…wholly sovereign
To You alone…fully faithful
Fully gracious, fully merciful
In every way
With this heart’s response I lift my voice
To open up and sing
Would You carry it off in the wind and let it be
A spirit-led song of praise?

as surely as the wind blows
so may it be with me
wholly wrapped up in Your love
that sweeps me off of my feet
oh that I may feel Your embrace
and ever before You lay low
with what has been given to me
and all that I may know
live my life down at your feet
may I never let You go
so may it always be
as surely as the wind blows

So may it always be
As surely as the wind blows
So may it always be
As surely as the Spirit blows

Unconditional

It's always interesting to see where God takes the course of my day or night when I allow Him to do so. It's been such a blessing to have an entire day when there is nothing I HAD to do. It's been incredibly restful and needed...

Tonight I sat down with the intention of writing my parents a letter about God's leading in the future and the shaping and desires for such. However, that did not come. Instead, I ended up reading old blogs for about an hour. There are times I will go back and read through my journals, but I don't read through my blogs very often. I thank God for providing them in tonight's time, for there is something so beautiful about reading and remembering all that He has done and who He always is. I can't write about the future in its fullness until I see and remember God's fullness in the past and present. There is such a need to reflect and remember...

And I am blown away by it all. Could I really be here, 21 years old, in my third year of college, in the position I am in now? My roots are ever so present yet they are incredibly distant at the same time. Was it over 2 years ago that I started college and so many things began? And even still, college was not the beginning of my life. My Creator has had my days ordained before I ever came to be. Could it be that this year is a transition year in a lot of ways? I think perhaps, but more so after reading tonight, I think that in so many ways it is a new beginning, a new walking upon truths I am finally beginning to grasp. It may be a transition more so in the place I am. I find myself amazed that ever still I will come upon new mysteries of my God of which He gives me in order that I may constantly probe my faith to make it stronger and deeper. I praise Him that He will continue to take my breath away in so many moments...

Like today at the beach. My good friends from the dorm 2 years ago and I got together to play volleyball for a post-humus birthday celebration. It was raining quite a bit at the beach, but we didn't let that stop us. I was blessed tremendously by it for so many different reasons. One was that I was able to look upon these people I have known for over two years now and see the ways in which we have grown up..such a strange reality but one nevertheless. As we played the rain streamed steadily down and from time to time we shook our hair and wiped our brows. But the presence of God was ever there. And lastly, I found myself completely taken aback by the birds taking flight all at once, hundreds, maybe thousands, rising up. It was breathtaking. I can't even wrap my mind around what my heart wants to say in response to that...

Perhaps I am taken aback in the passing of time and what it brings. It seems like yesterday that that same group that gathered today to play volleyball in the rain gathered during WOW week our freshman year to play volleyball at the rec center. How incredibly different we all were and still are; yet there's a bond of friendship that has kept us coming back together over the years. These aren't my closest friends, but they are some of my most treasured. No matter how long it has been since we have seen one another or talked or anything, we still come back together. It is a friendship that is unconditional on time...

How God is incredibly unconditional on time...regardless of where I have been or where I am at, He has met me there. He has led me and taught me according to what I could bear, no matter how long the time would take. And though it's natural to classify things into years and ages, it is also sweet to see it as a big picture. God has been shaping me and leading me since before I was born.

My name was picked by my parents off of an 80's tv show they liked. When it was picked by them, they had no idea what the meaning of the name was: "consecrated to God." God has named me not for who I originally was but for who I would become and am becoming. Just as Jesus renamed Peter for that same reason, so God has done so with me. How incredibly beautiful that is...and how true it resounds over the years as God has knit me more and more into the folds of His arms and heart that I may be consecrated to him in every way...I love that word and am excited to see what other ways it will come into play later on in my life.

I am thankful that God has brought me back to remember before I pursue the future. The letter, among with so many other things, will come in time, but there's such a necessity in remembering the preparation of heart that God has done in the past for such things in the future. And upon the reflection as of tonight, I am clearly seeing that He certainly directs paths we are unaware of, and in His beautiful timing He makes them straight and clear. I have seen so much...yet it's nothing in comparison for what will come. That is my God, fully Himself in every way...unspeakably beautiful.

Expose to Ephphatha

Expose.
My heart. Yours.
Just You and me dear Lord.
What is deep within?
This way. I am
Created.
Yet You refine me like silver
A constant molding never ending
You say
Choose the better way.
If only there were words to express
This work that You do ever still
It would be simpler.
Not just a torrent in heart but
Words written on a page.
Somewhat clear. Maybe concise.
A means to understand
Yet it all remains within
A dialogue and interaction
With only You. My Lord.
You know the love I profess
This devotion of mine
The all I give to You.
But there is a lack. Still.
For You require nothing less.
Oh to love You but hate man
This cry You beat upon my breast
It is my response that You subdue or eliminate
All those that from my love for You
They pull away
Yet what a strange thing You call us to be
In the presence of man, Your creation
A jealous God You are
Desiring all our love and devotion alone
But You also say we love You
by the love we give others
Don’t our fickle hearts pull us away?
To walk the line. Show me how
To do so with grace and not fall
My heart. Yours.
This is deep within
Nothing simple. Complex
Expose.

I wrote this two weeks ago during a time in which God truly began exposing my heart before myself in His light. What a journey it has been and continues to shape into…that my heart would be known to me in its fullness, from the mushy sides to the more firm, from the ghastly to the somewhat presentable, from the shallowness and to the depths. How incredibly humbling it is to me to see where I stand just in that on my own.

But there’s a far greater purpose to this, and that is though my heart may be known for what it is, may it be known in the light of God’s redemption and grace. That is the journey I continue on in.

I haven’t been able to speak nor think in the way I am used to because of the intense refining being done, because in that refining, I have been losing those very things. My words nor my thoughts are to be my own…and even still as I come to write this tonight, I struggle with depicting what God has been doing and teaching me, as it is a profound work in so many ways. I say this not to glorify myself in any way, but to fully bring praise to my God. See, it is only Him and I that truly know where my heart has laid and how it reasoned, dreamed, thought, loved…and it is only Him and I that know the fullness of which it has needed and continues to need redemption. This is the work of only my God.

What a ghastly sin it is to think I have any right to anything that is not my own. I was bought at the most precious price and still I think I am entitled to something? No, it must never be so. For how can I demand something more of a Savior who has already given me His all? That is infinite and will ever be enough, until this fleshly heart becomes unsatisfied, eating and drinking of something other than the bread and blood of life He came to give that we may never hunger nor thirst again. The fact that I am here living and breathing, able to praise my Savior should be more than enough for me. And when one looks upon all that I have been given by my God in incredible excess of that, my mouth should never cease of praising Him and it’s as if I should die on the spot because of the sheer excess! I have been given abundantly more than I could ever need or want. This excess could very well be a distraction and hindrance if I allow it to be so, but the purpose of it is that I may know my Lord ever more! The problem comes when I begin to possess these things He has given me. They become mine, in which I exercise ownership and control over. They become something in which I think I am entitled to and deserve. They become something subject to my own emotions and expectations, and when those are not catered to or met, then it is me that has been wronged. I become so blind in this plight of self ownership and entitlement of things that were never mine to begin with that I horrendously lose sight of the wrong I am doing to my Savior. In making anything I have or anything I have been given, I am no better than those who spit on Him as He walked through the crowd on His way to Calvary. In that, I am saying that the prospect of You dying and giving up Your life for my sake is pointless because I don’t need to be bought. And if I were to be bought, it would be at a much higher price than one of a simple “man.” The act of self-ownership seems rather simple and not incredibly “bad” (in the terms of the world) but what ruins it can bring to the heart and how it can lead it astray. For how can I expect to live fully for my Savior when I am living in any way for myself? There is no way to do so. It requires the complete denial of self and any self entitlement, any expectations and desires I have other than for the Lord Himself.

Another thing I so often fail to realize is that when I look at the Lord Himself, all else fades…nothing remains. If I were to look fully into His eyes and let His gaze pierce my heart, I’d be past the point of no return. There would be no question of wanting to leave or escape. If I were to allow Him to pull me aside from the crowd and put His hands on my face, I would realize how long I have been trying to escape His grip. It’s in that intimate act of Him grabbing my face that I would have to look into His eyes…and with that simple act, everything would change and nothing would remain. It’s an expose in every way. I remember growing up and even still to this day, when my dad would want me to hear him fully, he would do this very thing. He always knew when my heart was hurting or when I wasn’t able to hear or understand the truth until it was said perfectly clear in front of me with no distractions. He’d first pull me by the shoulders to get closer to him that I may not resist him any longer. Once I somewhat relented, he’d pull me closer still. I knew his gaze was ever upon me, piercing me still. It was never a gaze of anger or condemnation, but one of the purest love a father can have for his daughter. I resisted this gaze so adamantly so. I didn’t want to look into his eyes for I knew what it would bring. It would mean that I would have to leave the whole aspect of looking at myself in whatever way I was and to see myself in the way that he saw me. This is why he would put his hands on my face and bring my head up so I would have to look at him. My eyes would still avert him but he would continue to lure me in with his piercing gaze. He’d continue to soothe me until I could trust him that his gaze would not bring about something I couldn’t bear. Slowly my eyes would look him in his. And there he would always be, smiling, looking at me with the purest gaze of love I’ve seen, and speak the truth over me that needed to be said. He’d pull me out of the trap of self I was in when I was in too deep. He would speak to me and look at me until being in his arms and in his gaze was no longer an uncomfortable thing but an altogether natural one, one in which I could rest in the truth of his love for me. The love of a father for his children is incredibly unspeakable, and until just now I didn’t realize how beautiful of a picture God has given me growing up of His love for me…oh how He desires to pull my face in His hands that I may see His piercing gaze and know who I am in Him and nothing else! Unspeakably beautiful…

But as amazing as these pictures and common life experiences God speaks through to teach us things such as this, we must never take them to be the real thing. If we think that we can learn things of Christ through a common world experience without having any encounter with Him, we are incredibly wrong! There has been so much talk and thought lately about relationships and marriage. There is such an eagerness about to get engaged or be married, which I don’t believe is a bad thing in itself. The problem lies with other things pertaining to that; namely, that it hardly ever exists by itself. It comes with a plethora of other things because we are not content on waiting on God’s timing and preparation. We put ourselves in places we are not meant to be in. There are excuses made such as “we are in this place in order that God may stretch us” when it’s just a smokescreen for blindfolding oneself and walking into a trap known full well before the blindfold was chosen to be put on. We rush ahead of God and then wonder why He’s not rushing behind us in order to catch up. Our God is never early or late; He is not on our timetables. And surely He will not change Himself because we fail to be faithful. Rather, we must go through the probably painful process of being pulled back to where we should’ve been in the first place. We have to learn to walk in the correct pace again, with God as the leader and us as the followers. He leads. We follow. If that is in place, then everything changes. In that, we may then be lead into something that will stretch us; and the difference is that He led us…He led us, and we didn’t lead ourselves into it.

I was sitting for about four hours today in Solvang while my mom and her friend shopped. I sat outside watching people pass me by, and over and over again, I saw couples, either dating or married or whatever. To watch their interactions fascinated me. There’s such a variety in them that is only the result of our Creator God. But there was something greater that pulled at me. It is that it is created to be that there is male and female and that they are to be together. There’s such a beautiful union between two people in which they each come together in order to be one. We are made for these roles. It is something that I haven’t been doubting but rather questioning over the past couple of weeks. I see clearly now that the way God has created it to be is good. Granted, there aren’t a lot of good real life examples of such, but we look to creation.

In this there are two other things though. The couples I saw today in large part were married. There’s a commitment there and a union that has been made. Two parts have become one. That’s what happens as a result of marriage, and something that can only happen as a result of marriage. Without that vow and commitment, two parts cannot fully become one. I think we so often fool ourselves in “playing marriage,” and I think this definition needs to be expanded far beyond the traditional sense of living together before marriage. It’s when two people who are not married and are dating lose the individuality that God has given them because they try to become one unit before the time is right. It comes when they spend too much time together and lose sight of community. It comes when they become so in love and enamored with one another that they forget the love that Christ has first given them. Our love for others needs to look like hate in comparison to the love we have for God. It needs to look like hate in comparison to the love we have for God. I repeat this twice because it needs to be said more than once. We don’t get it, not just because it’s a hard concept to grasp, but because we aren’t willing to be taught. We aren’t willing to allow that gap to be made in learning what it means to love on those levels and in that way. If that isn’t learned before marriage, then how is it supposed to be learned during? There is such an urgency in the necessity of learning it before! We are forever bonded to Christ alone. Must we also neglect the fact that marriage is the picture of the love Christ has for the church? Marriage is so far greater than simply the love between two people given into a covenant, but it is a means in which God teaches our human hearts to understand one of the most divine mysteries. Let us not reduce it to human terms and limits. We are forever married to God.

There are many things such as marriage in which God gives us a picture in our lives to understand His divine mysteries better. The problem comes when we look to those pictures of things for all of the answers rather than to Christ alone. Though things such as marriage can teach us such incredible things about those divine mysteries, we can so easily neglect the fact that we can learn far more from the teacher. Would you learn more about the creation of the telephone and how it works from reading a book by Alexander Graham Bell or by talking to him in person, hearing his intent and creation straight from his mouth and mind? Such is true with Christ. To learn the lessons in which He desires to teach us, there is no better place to look to than to the teacher. Let us not underestimate those real life examples that He gives us, but let us surely not overestimate them either. In all things, let us look fully to our Lord.

The stretching is certainly not easy, but if we are firmly rooted, looking fully into the Lord, we will be able to do so… Today on the same bench as I watched the couples pass by, I was looking at the bushel of pansies sitting next to me when I saw a yellow caterpillar about an inch and a half long. He was crawling up the stems onto the yellow pansies when I first found him I took some pictures of him (which are to later be posted) and watched him a while. I was awed as God gave me a picture of what He’s been doing in me over this time. As the yellow caterpillar stretched himself precariously from the yellow flower to get to the purple one that laid in the distance, he had to trust that what he was clinging to would not fail him. Surely it didn’t, as his grip was steady and sure that he was able to stretch out further. He knew what he was clinging to.

And so am I in this time, similar to this yellow caterpillar. Oh how I am both being stretched and stretching myself in order that I may reach what God has for me both in this time and in the future. So often it seems precarious because there is absolutely nothing but God that can catch me if I fall, but that is the safest place to be. I know firmly what I am clinging to. I am confident that in the stretching God will catch me if when I fall. And how I praise Him that He is not dependant on my successes or my failures or anything of me that I could bring. Rather, He desires me to stretch and be stretched in order that I may know Him better and love Him more.

Such are the lofty prayers and inner workings of heart that have been occurring as of late…God is doing His work in the full in every way. Oh praise be to the One who has opened my eyes to see that He is the One and the Only! That I have no right to anything but everything is a gift given by Him! Though how piercing the light has been upon my heart, I praise Him that He is refining it into such that I love Him more…that He is pursuing me as a Father who desires me to know only His love for me…and that He is pursuing me as a Savior who desires me to know only His truth, only His way, only His presence, and only His miracles. For surely He pulls me away from the crowd to pull my face in His hands that I may see Him fully, that His commands may bring about full fruition. May His work be done in every way…

Ephphatha.

"The Art of Losing Myself"

"You above all else, my purpose remains. The art of losing myself to bring You praise. Everlasting. Your light will shine when all else fades..." From the Inside Out, Hillsong.

The art of losing myself... a strange thing to call an art, but it is one nevertheless. There's such an intricacy woven into the art of losing oneself in the presence of God. To possess nothing of his/her own but to truly and fully be His in this moment and forever. It is such a complex thing that I cannot wrap my mind about the work that God is doing within me as of late. I see the change and feel the change. I think on the outside it may appear subtle, but I know the measure to which God has been changing it because it's been solely me and Him. It's been Him getting to and refining the areas of which only He sees, knows, and understands. There's something drastic in it all.

But there is no preparation for no purpose. I know there's such a tremendous purpose in this all and I await to see what it entails...

"I am Yours wholly and completely, Dear Lord. May the art of losing myself to bring You praise remain the cry of my heart and the end to which I pursue. I have been predestined by You, called by name...'Consecrated to God.' May I be forever consecrated to You. May the purposes You have for me be fulfilled. May You be forever revealed and revered."

Emotional Creature

I was at work today sitting down at one of the computers when two flies continued to circle my head and body as they circled one another. It seemed a game of sorts, like tag between flies. However, this aspect I realized in retrospect. Both flies landed and I swiftly killed one with a clipboard and the other left. I didn't see that one again, at least, he didn't bother me anymore. It was a temporary satisfaction until the thought of the fact I perhaps killed the living fly's playmate or something saddened me and filled me with regret. I told one of the guys I work with that thought, and he replied that the flies only live for a week so it can't really be lonely. I then remembered that the flies don't have the brains we do among many other things...

I remember something my Art History professor said a couple of weeks ago quite clearly. She believes in some principles of Buddhism if not all of it, and was talking about how in her past lives, she believes she was an abuser of animals because in her present life she can't bear to see any animal even touched in a harmful way. In the midst of the fly incident, I thought of her and what her reaction would've been. When she told us that a couple of weeks ago, I empathied greatly with the aspect of not bearing to see any harm come to animals or people of any kind.

It amazes me how God created us with such emotions and thoughts that we have. The intensity of which I feel the plethora of emotions in my life has always struck me. I think because of that intensity, I parallel other creatures to have the same thinking process and emotional response I do, even things as ridiculous as flies. They certainly do not have the same functions we do in that capacity. Humans are the only creatures who can emotionally process and think in the way that we do. Jesus came to save the human race, not the race of the flies or any other animal. We are the only creatures who are able to relate and experience God in the closest fullness possible.

My best friend Elise said something really wise to me last week. God has placed things and people in our lives in order that through them we would know Him and love Him better. I think I even wrote about this in my last blog. It's such a profound thought to me that I continue to try to wrap my mind around it. God continues to open my eyes to such things it entails. And today I find myself thinking about how through our emotions and responses, I am better able to see and experience God's heart. Through the intensity of which He has created me as an emotional creature, I am able to know Him better and love Him more. That is cool.

And though the fruit flies are nothing in comparison to the creation God has done in humans, I think next time I will thinki twice about killing them simply because they are an annoyance. Though rationally I know they don't have the same intellect or heart I do, it still hits me a bit...because of who God has created me to be, I just can't simply kill a fly because I don't like it...there's a deeper sense and awareness there in me... that fly had a friend. I empathize too greatly with the principle of the thing rather than the fact of the matter. Sometimes that can be a downfall, but in all essence, it is how my Creator made me, and I will regard it as such.

Though there are times in which the intensity of emotion I feel seems too much to bear, I praise God that I may know Him better in it all...that I may draw near to His heart. He is more than adequate to carry it for me.

But here's my rational thought for the night: "Lord, I am glad I am a human, and not a fly."

That I May Know Him More...

I went to Montana de Oro this afternoon for a needed getaway to be still before my God. This has always been a place where I have run to in some way or another but also a place where every time I leave I walk away firmer in God's grip than I was when I first got there. The same was true of today.

I sat there for over an hour doing absolutely nothing but sitting in the presence of my Lord. The torrent of time that has had me in its grasp as of late seemed to slip away even if just for a bit. The odd thing is that I know I am fully where I need to be in the pace of time in this season; yet what a blessing it is to be able to be still before the One who has created me.

I've been unable to describe how I've been as of late in typical terms. But in all actuality, the answer is really as simple as this: I am firmly in my Father's grasp which is exactly where I need to be. I am one who is being refined like silver in the fire; constantly being shaped and molded. Life is never easy anymore. Every moment requires me to give more and more of myself, leading to my all. There's nothing better than that, but definitely nothing harder. I'm so incredibly thankful that through all of this He may be glorified. The things I do and what I am learning is nothing of myself; my flesh is futile. I'm also incredibly thankful that through all circumstances God brings me through, I may be able to know Him better...

Isn't that the point of this life here on Earth anyway? That I may know Him better and love Him more? Through those things my actions will be motivated to such a point in which I am glorifying Him without a conscious action; it is simply flowing as an overflow of the Spirit.

I've been learning that over this past week. I've also been in such a place when I have questioned why I am in the place I am in and if those things keep me from being in the right position with God. This includes people, ministry, school, etc. It's easy to forget and neglect the fact that these things were created and given by God in order that we may in that, know Him better as well. I recognize the fact that my God is a jealous God, desiring my love and affection...but I now realize that I do love Him through other people and the things I do. If done with a heart of praise and worship, may I glorify Him and grow to love Him more.

Because isn't that the point?

Coming to Fruition

"...You are Israel's teacher," said Jesus, "and do you not understand these things? 11 I tell you the truth, we speak of what we know, and we testify to what we have seen, but still you people do not accept our testimony. 12 I have spoken to you of earthly things and you do not believe; how then will you believe if I speak of heavenly things?" (John 3:10-12).

This morning I was continuing my study of John and found that this above passage struck me in a new way. Jesus is speaking to one of the head Pharisees about what it means to be born again, and still the Pharisee doesn't understand. Though he was brought up with a knowledge of the Word and the prophecies in which Jesus fulfilled, still he didn't get it or understand, or perhaps didn't readily accept it. I was convicted of the fact that we so often forget what God has said He would do or has done. The Pharisee didn't understand that prophecy had been fulfilled through Jesus and the Spirit, even though it should've been clear to him as it was right in front of his eyes.

Our God is incredibly big. All that we have seen is just a sliver of what He will do. And still we forget that. I know I do. And when the time comes that God speaks of big things and begins to fulfill them, it's like I am hesistant to believe to some degree because it either is past my level of present comprehension or it seems too good to be true. There is no reason for me not to believe that these things could come into fruition. God has never not been fully Himself in every aspect. God is always bigger than any box that I may currently try to keep Him in. I should always understand that my God will be fully Himself in every way...and that is incredible!

The things that God speaks come to fruition if we are willing to lay down ourselves and what we think best, possible, or able to do. All of those will surely be surpassed. Just as God spoke to Joshua numerous times to "be strong and courageous," so those commands came into fruition as he later commands it of his people. God is surely faithful in preparation for what He wishes to bring about and do, and His influence extends far beyond one man. The result of God speaking to Joshua influenced all the men of Israel, as he passed on what God had spoken to his men, and the result of that affected entire Kingdoms, and then onward to the entire world and all time. I'm amazed that it only took the obedience of one man to heed the words God spoke to affect an infinite amount of people and purposes. Things that seem impassable God does command, but He clears the way. Our God fights for us, and is with us wherever we go.

May we be willing to heed what He speaks to us, trusting that it will come about in full fruition. God speaks what we see and what we know.

"Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. 7 Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. 8 Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. 9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go" (Joshua 1:6-9).

"Joshua said to them, "Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Be strong and courageous." (Joshua 10:25).

Great God, Be Glorified

I don't know exactly when it started. I can't pinpoint an exact moment of the day, or even my life for that matter when this change was brought about. Yet it has been becoming in its fullness more and more today. Perhaps it was the walking under a tree swaying in the breeze as its leaves fell upon me that fully opened my eyes that there's a change...the old must fall away in order for the new to come. As God ordains the seasons of nature, the days of the year, and the moments of which He is fully in (we do it injustice by calling it a minute of time), so He ordains the present and the future.

All around me I see these two extremes of people forgetting and people remembering. I see these extremes of people fully surrendering and others frozen in their lack of faith. I see it in myself so often too. Why do we forget those things that God has boldly declared? Why do we stand frozen unwilling to facilitate the means for God to move? God is fully faithful...He has never shown Himself otherwise. What He said He would bring about, He will do!

It was roughly 3 months ago when God began healing my hearing loss. Since that day, God has moved in so many tremendous ways with it. Lately, I have been reminded of how fickle the flesh is and how it is nothing of myself that brings this about. There have been people in my life who have believed since the beginning that God is fully capable of doing this and will do so. There are others in which God has changed their heart to see what He is doing. Others include ones in which they hear but their lack of faith holds them back. And there are others who may not be capable of understanding such a thing at this time, yet God is doing His great work in them. I am greatly encouraged daily by the ones who still believe, challenging me to continue to walk in faith in prayer and petition asking God for healing in its fullness. Yet I find myself saddened tonight to see that some are beginning to or have already forgotten. We do not wait on the Lord in our own timing; it is fully His. Our Lord never leaves any prayer unanswered; instead, we fail to believe.

Lord, help our unbelief!

"Oh Great God, be glorified. Our lives laid down, Yours magnified..."

There is nothing stronger in me that desires to see God glorified to the fullest. God healing my ears is not about me in the least. It's about Him awakening our eyes and hearts to see Him for who He fully is, despite our lack of trust and our unbelief. It's about Him fulfilling what He said He would do. It's about bringing His people to see Him in His full splendor, grace, and power.

What sin is in our lives that keeps us from receiving Him in the fullest? Where are the areas in which we lack to surrender? Where do we lack faith still?

Could it be that our hunger for God becomes satisfied and we feel content to sit back? Could it be that we are not desperate enough for Him, and we feel rich with what the world has to give?

These are the questions I continue to ask of myself, and I now ask aloud.

But Oh Great God!!!

Be GLORIFIED!

That is the cry of my heart...

Song of a Messenger

I’m here to tell you of the greatest love story of all time
It surpasses human comprehension including my own
I’m here to listen to your heart and your life
That you may call me friend
I’m here to show you the greatest love I can give
To no longer keep what is not my own

Let me tell who this man named Jesus is
Let me tell you what He’s done for me
Let me tell you He is who He says He is
Let me tell you what He can do for you

Can you see the tunnel of which I am walking through
There’s a light at the end that you can’t see because darkness is all you’ve known
You think that if you’d look and open up your eyes
The magnitude of which you see would leave you blind
Take away the comfort of the life that’s been all you’ve known
Yet blindness is all you know now

Sometimes it seems easier to stumble around in the dark
There’s secrets and hurts that can be hidden, never exposed to the light
You think that if they were exposed your heart would be broken and grow cold
The pain caused by it would be greater than the knife in the dark
Empty tears rolling down a stoic face never exposed to the light
But your heart has already grown cold

I’m here to tell you now that there’s a greater hope
I can promise you it surpasses anything you know
Would you stay and listen a while, hear me sing

There’s no other name but Jesus
There’s no other love like His
There’s no other friend like Jesus
There is no one like Him
There is none like Jesus

Walk alongside me a while and hear the whispers of His name
Open up your eyes and see the light that takes away Your pain
See that the darkness is not your domain
Your heart is slippery to hold on your own, let Him carry it on
Release the life you know now, let Him heal it to the full
And turn your ears to hear Him calling you home

“There’s no other name but mine
There’s no other love like this
I’m the one that’s by your side
I’m the one of which there is no other
There is none like me”

Do you hear who this man named Jesus is
Do you hear what He’s done for you
Do you see that He is who He says He is
Do you know what He can do for you?

All other ground is sinking sand...

"On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand."

All other ground is sinking sand...it is only upon Christ on which we stand.

How true this rings to me as I sit tonight on the last official night of summer before classes start, thinking and journaling about many different things.

Over the past week, God has been opening my eyes in incredible ways to see so many of the ways He has been faithful. I have been realizing the shaping and refining He has been doing in me and in so many around me. I think that so often we get caught up with the necessary process of growing and advancing that we forget where we've been and where we've come from. It is easy to get discouraged in the midst of pursuing righteousness if we never open our eyes and see the ways in which God has been refining and shaping us. The need for reflection is key. Our pursuing righteousness should always be the goal, and in every moment we should be striving and seeking to become more like Christ, who set the model for us. Yet, at the same time, we should never become so consumed with that goal that we forget the reason why (the love of Christ) the means given (the strength of Christ) and the growth made (the grace of Christ).

I think back to where I was at this time last year, and I think about the ground I was standing on. I was standing on sinking sand, attempting to pull myself up onto the rock, but it was such a struggle to do so. The past year has been a refining of my faith in God, bringing me back to the question, "do I trust Him or not?" in every way. It has been a refining of my character and motives in which I do things. I need to do things because of the love of Christ overflowing out of me, not for any selfish gain or ulterior motives, or even simply "because I should." I have been learning what it means to be a leader and how it's really so little of what I used to think it was. Christ in humility and boldness set the example, and that is the end to which I strive. I have learned what it means in even deeper and more profound ways what it means to truly walk alongside people and love on them. It is definitely a stretching and challenging thing, but one in which I receive so much blessing from.

I have been learning, through the grace of God and grace of others, what it means to be a "woman of Christ," one with a gentle and quiet spirit, slow to speak yet endued with wisdom because she is quick to listen to her Lord. It is a role that I have seldom understood or accepted, but how I find such a beauty and peace within it, because every day and in every step I take, I fall more and more into who God has created me to be. Creation was not complete until Eve was made. The creation of man was not mentioned until it was both male and female. The role of a woman is one I have slighted tremendously, but grace be to God who has opened my eyes to the necessity of such in this world. I am an integral part of creation, just as man is. We are each endowed with our own gifts given to us by the Lord, and it is within those that I need to delight in and develop. And for the first time in my life, I can honestly say how much I love being a woman.

But more than all of these things, I have encountered God more and more with each passing day. As I come to the feet of my Savior and surrender all upon Him, I see the results of what it means to give it all up for Him. It is truly amazing, but even greater still than that, it's still nothing compared to knowing my Savior deeper, greater, and fuller than never before. I can say with full confidence and joy in my heart that He is the One...He is the One of which I desire to profess my love for, rest in His arms, praise ever more. There is none like Him. There is no other love and intimacy quite like it. And that blows my mind. I think about my relationship with John and how incredibly blessed it is as God continues to bring us closer together, man and woman, and the intimacy that grows in that relationship...it is incredible. There is really no blessing in the world like it, but it still pales in comparison to the intimacy found in the Lord. There is such a marked difference in walking by faith and not by sight...in trusting in the One whom you don't see in human manifestation but upon the opening of eyes and hearts is seen in every aspect of the world. There is an incredible thing in our God in that He is incredibly intimate yet incredibly glorious. He knows my heart fully yet He also knows the world. He is the One of whom I will always stand forever in awe of. He is the One who reaches down from Heaven touching which is weak and broken in order to heal fully. He always does and He always will. He is the One, He is my God.

"On Christ, the solid rock I stand...all other ground is sinking sand."

I write this tonight realizing that I am stronger than I ever have been. This isn't anything I have gained on my own; rather, it has been everything I have lost. I stand stronger than I ever have been today because I realize that my strength is nothing. God's is fully everything. Christ is the solid rock on which I stand.

And I can't even begin to speak, comprehend, or fathom what is in store for this year...I know it's a time in which I have been fully prepared and trained for, yet am still completely inadequate in. It's a time of the present yet training for the future. What the means are and how it will all play out remains to be seen.

But I know this:

God is fully in it. I trust in nothing else.

That's more than enough!

"My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name."

He is the One

"For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him" (2 Chronicles 16:9)

I was talking to Brittany the other day and she spoke of how she found her life verse, referring to a bible verse that seems to speak the theme of her life. It was really interesting she brought this up because the night before, I was reading this book of scripture and was struck by the verse above and i couldn't get it out of my head. When she said "life verse," I realized that perhaps I have found mine...

No matter where I go, what I am doing, I desire to go for the sake of knowing my Lord deeper and stronger than ever before. That is not an easy path but it is surely worth it...How amazing is it to know that His eyes follow me wherever I go, giving me strength as I seek to be fully commited to Him in every way.

In the midst of reflection and preparation over the past couple of weeks, my thoughts have been so many. I've been having such a desire to write and tell of these incredible things that God is doing...and the words are somewhat coming, but honestly, they fail miserably. I still can't do it justice and never will be able to. Yet, i can't keep silent about this God of mine!

He is the One who proclaims bold promises and fulfills them.

He is the One who hears all cries of prayer and never delays in answering them.

He is the One who has given the gift of healing and fulfills it.

He is the One who creates and shapes beauty beyond compare.

He is the One who understands the divine mystery and beauty of man and woman.

He is the One who gives and anoints us with gifts that we can love Him more through.

He is the One who gives peace as the world does not give.

He is the One to whom I can look for all things.

He is the One, the Only, my God...

The Weight of Choices

In the midst of spiritual warfare over the past couple of days, I've found myself pondering it in a different way than I have before. I am clearly seeing that the choices I make and the things I do have an effect no matter what it is. That is a given. It's been interesting over the past couple of days thinking about the choices I make out of obedience and love for God and how those choices aren't an easy road. There are many paths that I can take, but always one that is the highest that God ordains. Because I have chosen that path before, it's next to impossible to choose anything other than that. It's tasting and seeing that the Lord is good on that path though difficult. Sometimes this is seen during the time and others in hindsight. Yet in the times I have chosen the path God has ordained, I always look back and see what God has done, leaving me with no regrets of choosing such a path though it was incredibly difficult at the time And that's what I must remember in the midst of difficult paths.

Because it comes back to something incredibly simple: my choices have an effect no matter what they are. The choices out of obedience and love to God provide a richer, fuller path that I will surely see Him in, even though the battle with Satan and flesh is tough. The choices I make because of my flesh, being tired or not wanting to journey on that difficult path, Satan surely gets his foothold in me and either eats me up or makes me incredibly apathetic. In that I am distant from God because of my lack of obedience, or moreso, love and trust that He knows best regardless of how difficult the path is.

You know, so often it's easy to look at becoming a Christian as something we signed up for, like we joined a club and it should be all fun and games. And sometimes it's definitely tempting to want that. But I've been coming back to the fact that being a Christian means being just that: a follower of Christ. In that, we are to lay our lives down for His sake. It is not an easy task, but we should be reassured that He has been there in every way in our place. He's not telling us to do something He doesn't know full well what it entails. He's telling us to do the same as He did because He's been there-and even more so, He knows what obedience's results bear. I believe it is better to walk blindly in the light of our salvation rather than blindly in the darkness when who knows what could cause us to stumble.

This life does not bear easy things or situations or lessons, regardless of who you are. It's going to be difficult no matter what. But this life does bear a choice: to walk with God or not to. We can choose the light or darkness. When I come back to this in the midst of the choices I make and the impact it bears, I find that regardless, it is still better to be in the light, because it is there I have God on my side. It is better to be obedient because He has been there. It is better because in the light, there is full presence of love, and in the darkness, there is none of this at all.

As believers, we are promised trials and tribulations, and never received a promise that this life would be easy.

But we have the promise of Christ through the Father...and that should always be more than enough.

The Path We Have Chosen

In the pursuing hard after You
We find ourselves looking back at what You’ve done
Stand in awe and wonder, fully amazed
And yet unknown realities at what is to come
To walk blind by faith, trusting You in every step
Is surely the path we have chosen before You now
We do not know the means nor the way
The necessity to hold on that You will provide
For how can two hearts be quenched that are full of love
For You our Father and for each other?
We ask that we pursue righteousness in every moment
And that these fires inside will steadily burn
In the pursuing hard after You
We look and see that You have always been faithful
And know that You will always ever be so
We do not know what all will come
But we will walk blind by faith, trusting You in every step
For that is the path we have chosen before You now

Lessons from Yosemite Part 2: The End of Self

After having a couple of days to think about the hike I took last week, I'm able to see it from a fresh perspective. Praise God that He opens my eyes because I wasn't.

Going into Friday's hike I was utterly exhausted in every way: physically, mentally, and emotionally. I was not prepared for the hike by any means. I was thinking about the valley metaphor, and how in the valley there are many different trails to choose from; yet there are some we are predestined to take. God strongly leads us there, and does so for our own benefit. That's how this trail and hike was for me. I didn't choose it, but I was supposed to be there for the things God would teach me in that time.

The day was very hot and we didn't have enough water. We were all sweating profusely as our bodies tried to cool themselves down. I felt sick at the beginning and my muscles didn't take long to get tired. All of these things seemed to point to this hike not being a good idea for me personally, and yeah, my attitude reflected it too. I didn't want to be there, and I didn't want to be doing that hike. I wanted to sit in a meadow with flowers and take pretty pictures and admire this face of granite we were climbing to the top of from afar. I wanted a day of rest. I got exactly the opposite of that. As we were climbing to the top, I was talking with God telling Him, "this isn't what I bargained for." He reminded me of this quote I read from Jim Eliot a couple of weeks ago: "the will of God is more than we bargain for, but we can trust that it is always good and always perfect." How true that is. I decided to at least try to push myself, and most of all, not ruin the day for the other people with me.

We stopped for lunch and Elise and I were content to stop at that point and not climb higher. We had our fill. For a little bit, we all agreed until John wanted to go to the top. Slowly, we all agreed to go with him. About 3/4s of the way up, John shot off to the top and Kyle and Elise and I died. We were out of water and cramping up. We went back and forth between going all the way to the top or waiting for John to come back down. God provided us with water refills with the people coming down and we decided to go to the top, and finally made it.

I was exhausted upon reaching the top. I spent seemingly all of my energy just to get up there and then I knew we still had four miles downhill to get back to the car. We were just halfway done. I was dehydrated as my muscles cramped up and the thought of actually jumping off the top was rational to me. I was not fully there. I tried to drink in the spectacular sights of the valley but the thoughts of how exhausted I was kept filling my mind. I was trying to mentally prepare myself for getting down because I knew it would not be an easy task.

After about a half an hour at the top, we began to venture down. It was slippery with the dirt on all of the granite and every step needed to be taken cautiously. My knee had stiffen up while at the top and wasn't wanting to cooperate with coming down. We stopped a few times and my legs were shaking. I just wanted to get down at this point so the hike would be over. We stopped at the stream we saw on the way up and decided that we didn't have much to lose in filling up our water bottles and drinking it. God provided with that immensely.

As we got to the bottom half of the hike, it got a little easier as the end was somewhat in sight. The trail wasn't as difficult, and we were walking alongside one another which helped greatly. We finally got to the bottom and walked in the valley back to our car. Looking up at what we had climbed to the top of brought me both awe and hatred at the time. It was really cool that we all got up there together and got to share in that, but at the same time, I was hating myself for agreeing to do it. I knew I wasn't up for it. It was more than I bargained for.

Since walking on that valley floor, we went back to Kyle's house and then back to SLO and I then flew home to CO. Since, I have been flooded with memories and lessons of that hike that I couldn't obtain at the time. The sore muscles and joints reminded me of what my body went through at that time. The water I drink reminds me of the dehydration and how it was the source of life, the living water. The pictures remind me of the sweet fellowship I had on the hike, both in my sister walking alongside me and my brothers leading and pushing me. And over and over again, God uses this hike as a metaphor for so many of the things I have been learning over the past couple of months...

I had to come to the end of myself. This hike forced that. Of course, I did it very begrudgingly and let my flesh overtake me and fight against the surrender. But there was a point of sheer exhaustion of fighting for my limits to be held and God breaking them down that broke me. I could fight no longer.

People have commented to me before that I know myself well. My bible study leader last summer admired that as I was able to have limits for myself, such as knowing when the time for fellowship and when the time for quiet was. This is not a bad thing. However, it's not a good thing either, because sometimes I know and hold onto these limits so tightly that I don't allow God to stretch those, to make me stronger.

This summer...?

So many of my limits have been stretched. God has been refining me and moreso, training me for what is to come. How can the fullness of God be reached when there is any part of me in the equation? God has surely been answering the prayer I prayed a while back that there would be nothing of me and everything of Him. Not an easy end to come to.

Yet, what happens when the end of self is reached? I have been finding that there's something so beautiful in the surrender. God never tires of waiting for us, and that's something I have a hard time comprehending. If I were Him watching myself in this long process eventually ending in surrender, I think I'd tell myself something such as, "it's about TIME!" Thankfully God is in no part flesh like me!

I can't begin to tell of how refreshing coming to the end of myself is. God's able to move in ways I didn't allow Him to before. What He's done in this short time is incredible, and I'm able to see Him in it all. Him, whose plans are so much bigger than my own, whose strength is so much stronger than mine, whose love is so much fuller than mine...How beautiful it is to not find self but to find God in His fullness!

And everyday, I must take up the Cross and not myself. Everyday must continue to be a surrender fully to God and a casting aside of self. What better motivation do I have than tasting and seeing of the One who is infintely good?

Yeah. It's worth it.