A Good God...

On the sunset train ride from LA back to SLO...

Urban Landscape

While in Phoenix for Spring Break, my parents and I ventured downtown to a museum. The route that we took to get us there took us through the outskirts of downtown before we reached the middle of the city. I can't fully describe what captivated me there, but it was enough that my mom and I ventured back so that I could take pictures of some of the things I saw. Having some time to meditate upon the experience today, these are the words that came forth.

Shattered Glass. Boarded windows.
Graffitied walls. Abandoned rooms.
The hush of silence. The remembrance of despair.
This is all that's left in a place left to wallow in its remains.
Broken dreams. Neglected lives.
Lack of hope. Crying for love.
The ringing of emptiness. The echo of stillness.
This is all that's left in the lives left to wallow in their pain,


Stories are left untold but their legacies are preserved within the walls
Physical presence of people has ceased but their spirits live on
For such a place has carved out their destinies
From brighter days ahead or an even bleaker dawn
Their faces play on like a slideshow never seen but fully known
Beckoning one to forget but crying out to be seen
For too often these faces are the picture of an urban landscape
Fully real human lives that we choose not to know

And all that's left with any form of life
Proves to be a child's swing swaying in the breeze
Abandoned behind barbed wire fences
Living in the midst of growing weeds
This is the breath of life in a place of death
A shining light in the face of neglect
The chains jingle like a voice speaking in the city
To open one's eyes, fully absorb, and to never forget

This is the urban landscape hardly acknowledged but commonly seen
An uncomfortable presence but a known reality
We choose to ignore the voices and look past what remains
For we deem the price to be changed one too heavy to pay
Yet as long and as hard as we try to escape
These lives will still remain at the end of the day
Dare we to break the common barriers existing
And venture to change this urban landscape?

Sovereign God Revisited

This is part of my journal entry written on a drive back to Phoenix from Sedona, Arizona. My words haven't been aplenty this week, and they are not coming in many different forms such as journal, blog, emails, so on and so forth. Perhaps there's a transparency God is bringing me to expose, and thus, in that, I choose to include this on my blog. Maybe it's nothing complex or profound, but it's a simple truth revisited in a new way in my life, a simple truth that I must cling to. Therefore, Sovereign God Revisited.

I’m looking out at the landscape right now and at this time, it’s very hilly, rocky, and green. We are about to descend into the desert of Phoenix. Lord, it has been so beautiful today. I love seeing new places because it reminds me of the diversity and vastness of You; it is not confined to my little bubble of a world I live in.

I have long been an adventurer to one degree or another. My family has always traveled quite a deal, and because of that, I have seen a great deal of landscape and places in the United States. Yet at times in the adventures, I can clam up, uncertain of what is to come next, because for whatever reason, the safety and comfort I had previously had in the situation vanished. That thought is striking me strongly now, as I think perhaps that has been the realization and struggle of this week.

I’ve been reading The Dangerous Act of Worship and one part speaks about the safety in which we would like to have, but as we pursue You, it becomes less and less in the forms we are so accustomed to. And I would have to agree. The scenery, situations, people, dynamics, so on and so forth, are ever changing, and there is very little constant. Something that has been pressed upon my mind and heart over the last several months is that You are a sovereign God over all circumstance. I think I’ve been realizing that has become a mantra of sorts for me, and I believe it wholeheartedly most of the time. However, as mantras can become normal and commonplace, I think perhaps that has happened with me. There was a drastic change this week in being back with my parents and away from everything familiar. Though in my head I knew the importance and significance of this week, I allowed Satan to intimidate me with it and forgot to let the fact that You are fully sovereign over circumstance rule my heart. I wrote last week about how I believe You are bringing me and others to a time and place of learning what faith is in the things unseen, especially in regards to my hearing loss. I didn’t realize what a tough lesson that would be for me. Elise spoke so much wisdom in her statement that several months ago, we had no idea I’d be in this position I am in. That is so true my Lord. Where I fail to see progress in my immediate situation, I forget the progress that has happened since, the progress that has gone before in order to bring me where I am now. I forget the ebbing motion of the ocean in that there are times in which the waves crash hard on the shore, and there are other times in which the water seems to gently flow to your feet. Regardless of the force and strength, it is always moving, just as You are.

John reminded me of the importance of being still, and I’ve been thinking about that as well. I realize in my own efforts of moving, I can’t have an accurate view of Yours because I do not move at Your pace on my own. It’s like two people dancing with one another, each to a different dance, but each doesn’t know the other person’s dance. They keep moving to their own, trying to figure out the others, but it just doesn’t work that way. One must stop and observe and see the steps of the other, in order that they may move together. There’s not many greater feelings than two people dancing together in harmony, moving to the music and with one another. And in my life Lord, You are my leader, and I must stop and dance to Your steps. When I do so, I find a beauty unspeakable because I see the world through Your eyes, through Your steps, in Your time.

There hasn’t been a lot of thought as to next quarter and what that holds. And perhaps in thinking that there needed to be, I was falling into an old pattern that I am not to return to, at least not in this time. So much of this year has been the day to day, moment to moment, all orchestrated in Your grand scheme of things. That won’t change. You know my tendency for control and how it is far more valuable to me to simply be and trust, living in the Spirit and discerning accordingly. It surely gives You much more room to move, because even in the thinking about a new quarter what it will bring, dreaming You to do the grandest things of all, it still puts You in a box. Lord, we only know and see in part, and as long as we are here on this earth, that fact will not change. Instead of being at unrest every time we do not know or understand what is going on, we should accept it, because it is simply a known reality in an unknown world. Our comfort comes from You alone being sovereign over all, regardless of what is happening. We set our hope on You alone, not on circumstance. In the circumstances surrounding us, we must remember that.

So for now, I will fully be in the moment as You have dictated me to be. I actually have that blessing this week, and I think it is one I need to take accordingly. So often I have to be planning and thinking ahead, but I don’t right now. I will let it rest. I will continue to trust in You, my sovereign God, over all things and all circumstance.

Things Unseen

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things unseen." Hebrews 11:1

May this be true to my heart regardless of any circumstance...

My Heavenly

I found the lyrics to this song in one of my journal entries from earlier this quarter. I have listened to it many times since, and it has been putting something into words that I have been unable to as of late. What that is, I don't exactly know, but here they are. I'd encourage you to listen to the song as well, because the way it is done is simply beautiful. Unlike many songs I have heard before. Perhaps that's part of the reason it speaks to me so much, because it is a new sound in a new time...More to come on that soon.

Let the wind fall wild across my path
Even though we barely move, there's no turning back
There is a river, there is a road, place of holy riches untold
It's where I'm supposed to be... my heavenly

I know it never feels right to let go of the safety we're used to holding so tight
But there's a lion underneath these skies
Though love cries, love will rise... my, my, my heavenly

So fly me higher, higher, hope fill me, keep me here
Love lion, my, my...

So when I'm lonely or when I'm old, life is more behind me
All the stories have been told
I can fix my gaze up through the clouds
Where I'm gonna be, where I'm gonna be... my heavenly
My, my heavenly
My heavenly

from Who We Are Instead, by Jars of Clay

The Question of "What if?"

I'm not going to say that "what if..." is a bad question to be asked. But I think I've realized over the past couple of days that it's a question that needs to be carefully discerned and asked only for the benefit of a situation. "What if" is often a thought pattern that implores all possibilities and is subject to the constantly changing, fleeting nature of this world. I think before "what if" is asked, we need to ask the question, "what do we know?" I know that God is unchanging in a constantly changing world. I know that God is faithful to His word. I know that God will never fail to be less than Himself in every way. And that's all I truly need to know to keep me going.

I am one to love the question "what if" as I am a strategizer and like to plan. However, I need to carefully discern when I ask that question that it is asked in my own benefit and in others. So often those "what if" thoughts and questions I entertain never come to be. On the other side of it, sometimes being asked "what if" can be a tricky position to be in. I'm thankful for the ways in which it challenges my faith because it requires me to give an answer for the hope that I have. I do pray that my brothers and sisters in Christ would discern the best time and place to ask these questions for the benefit of everyone involved...

On the last note, let us always probe the mysteries of the triune Godhead! Let us devote ourselves to that mystery and allow Himself to reveal things we do not see at the present. Let us seek Him and His will and ask in accordance to that. Those are much more beneficial and have much more sustenance than any fleeting "what if" thoughts can bear.

The Mark

Cold and alone, foreign and unknown
These seem to be the lives we have known
Stumbling and falling, crying and calling
Into the dark where no one hears or sees
Holding so tight, scared in the night
We held the pieces of our lives
Until our own grip caused it all to fall apart
We were left to pick up the pieces
Stumbling before we ever knew where to start

What is it about the mark we all seem to think we bear
It’s like the scarlet letter branded for all to see
It’s been bonded so deep into our hearts and minds
Scarred for life, that we see no way of being set free
We hold our lives like we grip the edges of glass
And all we have to show are the scars it leaves
Our own blood we spill, and a trail of shards

And it all falls apart…

We lay on the floor surrounded by our tears of despair
The strength to pick ourselves up once again is no longer there
In the midst of tattered clothes, lives, and dreams
The scarlet letter remains branded upon the breast

Until the unthinkable happens next…

It was like looking in a mirror and seeing ourselves covered with blood
The scarlet letter had covered us from head to toe
And as quickly as it came, so quickly it went away
Upon the face and hands of One we seemed to know
He had taken the mark of shame upon Himself
And had washed us white as snow

Learning to walk, beginning to talk
Gaining strength to stand in the midst of the fall
Finding healing in places, drinking of His graces
Experiencing the life of the redeemed
By the mark of His name, we no longer bear shame
of the scarlet letter we always knew
Eyes to look around, ears to hear the sound
Of the One who’s always been calling
The One once familiar now becomes our Savior
Finding Him endless in power and in grace
And looking into the mirror, we begin to see Him face to face

This is the One whom we have been destined to know

Remembering the Attributes of God

Felt led to post journal from tonight...may it bless you as it did me.

Dear Lord,

I praise You for this day though it has been an interesting one. I’m reminded so much of where the attitude and practice of thanksgiving comes into play and how it affects my view upon things. I think so often I forget that thanksgiving needs to not be just a time, but an attitude of life. The tide of lessons being learned and refining in the process will always be about, but You are always constant. You are always the same, true to Your character and every aspect about You. I can easily forget that and think that thanksgiving comes in the times when I see You move, or when something good or amazing happens, or when I simply feel like being thankful. In that, I neglect that I have been bought at a price that You didn’t deem too heavy to pay, and because of that I am constantly in Your arms. That alone is more than enough to be thankful for.

I think that in the times of this steadiness and resilient faith You have been bringing me through as of late, I tend to forget. I tend to forget that I can shout for joy or weep. I tend to forget that I can stand to lift my hands up high to You or bow down low to kneel at Your feet. I tend to neglect showing emotion when it comes to You, though my heart is so moved inside. I tend to forget that I can respond in the way that comes most natural to me at the given time, because in that, I glorify You by acting according to the way You have created me. I am the work of Your hand, and may I never be ashamed or reserved about that. May every aspect of this personality and heart that You have shown come forth.

I was reminded of that tonight in which we had a time of encouragement at our servant team meeting. I realize that I am very transparent with a smaller number of people, and it’s amazing to see how God uses that. Yet, I feel the call to be transparent with more. We hid under paper bags tonight as we wrote encouragement to one another. May I not hide my light under a paper bag. Lord, it is one thing to boast in myself; it is another to boast in who You are and what You are doing. My life is not my own and the things You are doing in it I must never claim possession of. It’s like this picture I am drawing for class, in which a little girl is holding the tail of a butterfly that is much larger than her. The head of the butterfly becomes a flower and a section of the wing opens up to a view of the ocean. The premise of the drawing is basically how all of creation is connected, though we may not see it or it may not make sense. That being said, I am connected to the people around me in some way or another, regardless of whether I see it or not. But if I don’t see it, let me not neglect what I could share with them, because who knows how You could use it.

I told John tonight that I felt tired and ready for things to come in its fullness; particularly with my hearing. At times I feel weary in the race. In that, I forget simple things. I forget to do what it is that You have asked me to: to listen and surrender. The process of growth of any kind cannot be carried fully or even partially on my own shoulders. I cannot handle the load. But thanks be to You whom I can present my requests to, knowing You hear them full well. And tonight was yet another reminder of that. Tonight I heard louder once again. Today is just one step in the process. This time is a refining of my faith and trust, and facilitates a time in which I can lean upon and love You more than ever before. This time is a process. There are easier days and harder days. But again, You are the constant. Again, You never change. And always, You are faithful, regardless if I choose to recognize it at the present or not.

Lord, may I realize I do not run this race on my own strength or alone. Lord, may I realize that You are faithful to carry me when I grow weary. May I remember that as I wait upon You, You renew my strength. May I remember simply to wait upon you. You will surely carry me in every way until the day I return home and see You face to face. And that is a promise upon which I can surely wait.