The Gray Scale

“Lord, thou hast said that the believer should enter a land where he would be as a fountain flowing, a land which is crossed on a narrow way. Lead me on in it I ask, for Jesus’ sake.” –Jim Elliot

I’ve been reading a lot of different things lately. I’ve been watching a lot of different things too. In the last couple days, I realized the need to step back to objectively assess what it is I am taking in, how it is influencing me, and why.

My parents were joking last night that my generation is going to develop some kind of thumb disorder due to the amount we use them-in texting, video games, computer, and more. It was a different angle of an observation made by the older generation upon my own—we are inundated with media and technology, and it raises the question of how beneficial or detrimental it all is. I understand my place well in this-I’m on my computer a heck of a lot, doing everything from working, communicating, life’s chores, and more. I would say about 3/4s of the day yesterday was devoted to my computer. Everything I had to do I had to do on that. And of course I’m in the texting generation—more out of need than want, I think. Being home in the summertime with the parents lends itself to more TV than desired…and makes me thankful I don’t have cable at school.

My mom had taped a Bachelorette “After the Final Rose” special. I’ve never really been much to watch that show, but I know how popular it is among non-believers and believers alike. As I watched it with my mom, I can’t tell you how many problems I saw with it. The girl was to pick the person she wanted to marry, and then once she did, then he would get down on one knee and propose. Wow. Talk about putting the man in a passive and submissive position. On either the Bachelor or Bachelorette, they go on all kinds of dates with all the potential suitors. The Bachelorette last night stated that because of these circumstances, she feels like she has already been through life with her now fiancé. Really? It’s a “reality” TV show, and reality TV shows these days are pretty far from reality. Last major observation-there was a question from the audience asking the now engaged Bachelorette and her fiancé how things were going in the bedroom and if there were any complications. Um, strike three. A relationship based on that…?

Perhaps I sound cynical, but I would rather run that line than be one to blindly accept these views as okay. This is just one example of countless things surrounding us that we allow to influence us in a detrimental way. The more we expose ourselves to these things without a sound and objective mind, the more we begin to settle and lose sight of what is truly holy and pure.

To be perfectly honest, I think there has been some frustration in me this summer with the culture I live in, as I know and truly desire to be counter-cultural, but in being inundated in it have felt myself confused as to what is good and what is not. I’ve been confused with myself, my decisions, who I am, what I should be doing. It has led to a time of ridiculous indecisiveness. I realize that as I get older, the world seems a bit more gray. However, what is easy to forget is that gray (in its pure form) is the product of black and white mixed. And that means that those two extremes must exist for gray to be possible. I think the problem lies in that it is easier and more palatable to accept a world that is gray, because we too, can “mix” our own destiny, decide what shade of gray to be, and satisfy our desire to be at least a “little bit distinct” when in reality, we barely differ from the norm.

I can remember my color theory project in which we had to reproduce a gray scale. To get a very light gray, you had to use a TON of white and a teeny tiny bit of black. To get gradually grayer, continue increasing the black. In doing this, I can say from experience that black is a heck of a lot more potent than white. Continuing with the earlier analogy, as Christians we are called to be pure (white). But, it is easy to dabble in sin (black), whether that be in the mind, soul, body, or spirit. It makes the white gray. And once that gray starts, it’s easy to continue adding a teeny bit of black at a time, because it seems like it won’t make that big a difference. But after a while, you’re at the complete dark gray near black. The reality is that once that black gets in, you can never get it fully white again. The only way to do that is to scrap the paint and start over with a new batch of white. Thankfully, we have that promise of redemption through Christ in which He promises to make our sins as white as snow. Yet, we should never take grace as an excuse to keep on sinning.

But we do. And our culture deems it acceptable. We, as believers, have allowed ourselves to buy into the philosophy that we choose our own standards and way. We start to settle for the fact that being radical (white) is hard, and we don’t really have to shoot that high.

I’ve been wrestling with the gray for a while, in wondering how can the extreme of white and black be possible and visible in our culture. We do not want to call sin “sin,” and we set the bar lower for purity than what it actually calls for and requires. I’ve been wondering how in the world I am to be and model these extremes, and in a world of gray, I was honestly wondering if it is really possible…

Yet I’ve also been reading some books. One is The Journals of Jim Elliot, another is Finding God at Harvard, and I recently finished Crazy Love. Ecclesiastes has been a solid comfort to me. In reading things that nourish my spirit and soul, I am reminded again of one of the greatest challenges to me as a believer, and that is what it is to live a radical, counter-cultural life while still engaging the culture around me fully. To do that involves testing our minds and hearts of everything we allow to come in. In a media-inundated culture, it proves a challenge, but not an impossible one…and I think one of the important steps is testing what we see and read against what we know to be true, good, and holy.

I’ve also received letters and emails from friends by whom I am greatly encouraged. One, upon finishing a year of ministry abroad, stated that her hardest lesson this year was learning that God often cares more about our holiness than using our gifts. I cried upon reading that statement because it was nourishment to my thirsty spirit. There was so much truth in that statement and also, what I felt like for the first time in a while, a shared understanding and fellowship in striving after what the Lord asks and requires.

I still have so many thoughts to process through…but in the meantime, what I am coming to remember and understand are these things: our world and culture is so much further gone and in need of redemption than it could ever possibly realize on its own; there is a necessity to objectively test and observe what it is we read, see, and think about against what we know to be true, good and holy; that we are called to be white in a world of gray and we have no excuses not to be; and most of all…

I am not alone in this quest and thirst for God’s holiness not just in my life, but in this world. There are countless others who share the same passion, and thankfully, others who have gone before and led a life in such a way that God has used them tremendously. I am not alone or naïve in hoping for such things, because He who is holy is with me and desires it more than I do. And lastly, all my striving, questioning, seeking, and doing is nothing if not fully surrendered to Him and Him as the source and driver of it all. It is not up to me to do or to be; it is up to me to seek, and let all these things be added as well. He must become greater and I less.

When words fail, use pictures

Well... words fail me tonight to describe how I'm feeling. I'm wrestling with what is called and asked of us as believers-ultimately my heart's desire- and what that looks like in a broken world. So, I turn to a picture instead. I would say I feel a lot like that flower right now. And that's all I have to say tonight.

Searching for Nuggets of Wisdom

I wrote last about the period of time I am currently in: ‘But Not Yet.’ Around and since then, I have been desperately craving wisdom as to what to do, think, and feel. There are times I feel utterly lost in it, and all I can do is press on, trusting my Lord in the steps He has or doesn’t have me take yet.

My nature tends to be a very practical one. I am logical, like to solve problems, have a plan, think of all the alternatives, etc. That is what I tend to revert to in most situations, because logic, rather than emotion, has a better history of handling things. Yet, over the last couple of months, God’s been helping me learn what it means to ebb, meaning going along with the “waves of life,” as they can be up and down. It’s been an interesting process for me, as I’ve been learning that the ups and downs are normal, and that emotion outright is not necessarily a bad thing.

Because, as practical and logical as I am, there is a side of me coupled with intense passion and dreams. They are incredibly strong; yet because of the degree of them, I seldom know what to do with them. There’s currently a disconnect between the logic and passion, but as I’ve been praying, I hope the rift between the two is growing smaller.

You can imagine how I am in this season. I’m wanting to revert to my practical and logical nature. Out of that, I’ve been searching for nuggets of wisdom from people who have been through this same season of life I am currently in. I finally got the questions out to my parents last night. My parents, usually one with lots of advice, didn’t have much to say, other than that it is a strange transition time and I will get through it. That answer drew an internal “figures” response, because of course I’m still not getting an answer. I want to be wise and handle things the best I can…but sometimes logic fails.

Now, often times, emotion is overtaking me. I find myself welling up with tears at so many different things or thoughts, sometimes even crying before I sleep. Some of it is a sad crying, but a lot of it is just emotion. A lot of it is the response derived from me in that things are changing, and will continue to drastically. I wept severely the other night at the realization that my relationship with my parents will never be the same again. That will continue to grow and change, but the days of childhood are past, even in their eyes. Other times, I don’t even know so much of why I am crying. Yet, it seems to be part of this rite of passage I am going through this summer, and I am attempting to embrace it, especially because logic does not seem to be winning lately.

I read through Ecclesiastes, the book of the search of wisdom, last night after John and I talked about a passage from it the other night. I can’t tell you what a comfort I found in it. I found a kindred soul in Solomon, as he examined the world and how we fit within it through many different acts and searches of wisdom. He endeavored to find the meaning of life in so many different ways, but comes back to the fact that God is in the center, and when we look to Him, then and there we are satisfied and fulfilled, and there we find meaning. It doesn’t come from searching around us, as all of those end up being “meaningless!”

I read through Kate’s blogs today from my current season in her life, and there too, I was comforted. This season is one that just “is.” It is one that is filled with varying emotion and one we get through somehow…but I was greatly encouraged by the fact that in waiting, beautiful things do come. The waiting is fruitful if we allow it to be, and the waiting isn’t forever. We walk through this unfamiliar season in trusting and holding fast to the One who is familiar and constant. And, a fact I realized in reading her blogs that I need to become better with is that for the next several years, there’s going to be an infinite amount of change. That’s reality…and my logic will only be able to carry me so far in it. It’s going to be laced with a lot of emotion. Instead of striving to figure it out as much as I can and leaning on the Lord for the rest, I pray that I will develop the habit of leaning on Him wholly and ultimately.

This has long been a favorite verse of mine from Ecclesiastes, and I will state it again here: “I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him” (vs 3:14). It is always relevant to whatever season of life I am in, and always a comfort. In this season, it is a reminder that no matter where I am, how much I have figured out, or rather, how little I can, these things are not dependent upon me. What God chooses to do in this season and with me is up to Him. All that He does, is, and forever will be is so I can respond and worship Him. This season, the one that makes little sense to me, is purposeful, and may I continue to draw nearer to Him with a thankful and worshipful heart. I don’t need a specific reason or thing in my life to draw near to Him. The fact that He IS is more than enough. And there, I pray that emotion would overtake me as well…

"But Not Yet"

“But not yet.”

I’ve been pretty frustrated the past couple of days. It’s been more of an internal frustration coming from finally having the chance to be still, being somewhat frustrated with that itself, and fighting against what the stillness can bring. I’m again amazed at what stillness can reveal. There were/are some pretty pertinent things I need to work out with the Lord and lies I need to dispel. Yet, tonight, the Lord is good to reveal where my primary frustration lies.

“But not yet.”

To retrace my steps a bit, God’s had me in this season of waiting for a long time. It’s been probably over a year now. It’s been an incredibly valuable and fruitful time to teach me of what it means to be in the present moment and allow Him to move and work in it. That’s a really broad statement for all this has contained, but it’ll suffice for now.

And now, this season of waiting is changing and on the brink of ending. Some of these timetables I know; others I don’t. Elise has been gone for close to a year now. I’ll get to see her and live with her in about a month and a half. I’ve been largely content in where each one of us has been in this year, but now that the time is closer “but not yet” here, it brings about an impatience that wasn’t previously there. I’ve finished four years of college, and feel ready to move on, “but not yet.” I still have a year to finish. John and I are closer to the future and all it brings than we ever have been, “but not yet,” we are not yet there either. There’s a lot of things coming up in the near future to either start or complete; those too, “but not yet.”

I realize now that waiting is a pretty constant reality. John can testify to this. The “but not yet” is a changing reality. It implies that something is coming, but is not yet here. It’s being stuck in the middle of the transition. I find it interesting that this frustrates me more.

I’m remembering who I am at nature, specifically in my childhood. I can’t think of certain examples, but I remember being told “not yet” would just make me want to start or do it even more. “Not yet” is like a challenge to me, one of which my stubbornness wants to fight against. It’s like I take that “not yet” and try to turn it into “well why not now? Let me try.” I am a person that very rarely responds with passivity; I respond with passion instead, and whether that passion is constructive or not depends on the situation.

My flesh so desperately wants to do, wants the change to “just happen already,” but the Lord is reminding me, “but not yet.” In searching for that phrase within the bible, I see how there were so many times in Jesus’ ministry and life the times of “not yet” were still purposeful. It’s in the times of “not yet” that it’s really hard to see the purpose because it’s easy to gravitate towards what is to come or what is to happen, but in retrospect, the “not yet” times are necessary.

Tonight, as I feel so stuck in the transition, I need remember that the Lord will and is using this time of “but not yet.” I may not see it now because the sight of what is to come often overshadows it, but I can trust Him to be purposeful in it. And, I can pray that He soften my heart to learn to embrace these times of “but not yet,” just as He did so in my long season of waiting.