Stretching of the Heart

“The Lord spoke thus to me with a strong hand . . .” (Isaiah 8:11). There is no escape when our Lord speaks. He always comes using His authority and taking hold of our understanding. Has the voice of God come to you directly? If it has, you cannot mistake the intimate insistence with which it has spoken to you. God speaks in the language you know best— not through your ears, but through your circumstances.” –Oswald Chambers, January 29th, My Utmost for His Highest

Over this last week, my heart has felt more stretched than it has in a while. It is full of emotion, dreams, love, passion, and longing. A lot of this stretching is due to the circumstances God has me in currently, and He knows this is the language I know best.

He has provided with a full-time job currently, with the Denver Broncos/Invesco Field. I am currently commuting up to Denver, which is 45 minutes to an hour away depending on where I start. I am doing things I enjoy and love, in an environment that is conducive to who I am: “In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent.” There is a lot of trust of me even after just a couple of weeks. It is certainly provisional.

Before this job came through, John and I were praying about possibly moving to NYC by May. We still do feel the Lord’s leading in going there, and He continues to confirm it through small circumstances. On my first day of work, I was excited, but also feeling a little bad with the thought that I may not be at this job very long. My supervisor told me on the first day that I wouldn’t be working the 0-10 hours a week as was mentioned in the interview, but rather 40 hours a week if I was able. I will be doing that through March, until come April, when all part-time hours are to be cut completely due to the NFL Lockdown. I was and am amazed at how clear such an answer can be by the Lord. On the first day, He is providing with quadruple the hours (for the purpose of saving and working), and that was to be cut in April, to be reinstated in May to some degree. The Lord surely seems to have spoken through circumstance there.

A week after I started, John went up to Fort Collins to visit Kate and Chris (sister and bro-in-law) who are in the process of buying their first home. This home needs work to become what they wish it to be, and John has those gifts and talents of doing so. Chris would be doing the work over the summer time, and John was thinking it could be very good for us to move up there temporarily and help them out with that, spend time with them, and put off New York for a couple more months, unless a job offer comes through there first. That also seemed to be the Lord speaking through circumstance. Perhaps we are to stay here a little bit longer than May. The time with Kate and Chris would be wonderful. One of our best friends, Kyle Fletcher, will be in Fort Collins this summer for staff training. We would be able to spend more time in SLO in the middle of June for Landon’s wedding, which John is the best man of. If we don’t have anything concrete for New York yet at that point, then why wouldn’t we do this?

In these possible realities though, I feel my heart stretching a bit. I told John the other night that I feel more in limbo than ever. I am now working a full-time job, which is something I didn’t think would happen until we moved someplace else. Yet, we are now stretched between four different places. Castle Rock (where John’s parents are and we live part of the time), Colorado Springs (where my parents are and we live part of the time), New York (where we are trying to get jobs and eventually live), and now Fort Collins with the possibility of living up there for a bit to help out Kate and Chris with their new house. I am also investing 40 hours of the week with work in Denver. I am trying to invest in each of these places right now, because I believe that’s where and what God has me to do. It is a little bit tiring and depleting though. I don’t feel like John and I have our home, but rather a home in each of these places where we can lay our head for a bit. I want a home for John and I. I want to nest and establish our lives somewhere. It feels it has been a long time coming.

This is magnified even more this weekend when John and I are home alone together while his parents are celebrating their 30th anniversary in the Bahamas. We have four days alone together, which has only happened once since we have been here in Colorado for the last 6 months. I can’t express how my heart has been over these last couple of days…it is so incredibly full and overflowing with love and thankfulness for John and the fact that we are married. We are having a chance to cleave to one another independently from our families for a few days. I didn’t realize just how significant being here has hindered that from happening, because I do enjoy our families and they are blessings. But, they also have to be taken into consideration all the time when you are living with them. Though I will miss them much when we do leave, I am ready to resume what John and I somewhat started when we were in SLO for a month after we were married. I am ready to start “our” family in the context of just the two of us.

I am heartsick for a home. On Friday, I sat in the Denver Broncos stadium having lunch, and it was just the most glorious, sun-filled, warm day. It struck a chord with me in remembering that’s the kind of weather and life we had in SLO. I miss it so much. I miss it for the place it is, the people it has, and the life God gave us there. I find myself longing for it almost every day. I know it is the only home I’ve experienced on my own away from my childhood, and so there is that sentimentality attached to it. I’ve asked myself if I would be missing SLO as much if we establish a home somewhere else. I know I will always miss it to some level, but I think not as much as I am now.

So, my heart is stretched in God’s speaking through circumstances. Yet, in all of these possible realities and others that I do not know of yet, I see Him. I see His hand and provision in all of them. I am so thankful for that. My heart just does not yet know how to handle it completely. I hold fast to the fact that He will lead and He is leading us. I have no question in my mind about it. I just wonder how and when, for the reasons of anticipation and also fatigue in living so fully moment-to-moment without any planning.

"As servants of God, we must learn to make room for Him-to give God “elbow room.” We plan and figure and predict that this or that will happen, but we forget to make room for God to come in as He chooses. Would we be surprised if God came into our meeting or into our preaching in a way we had never expected Him to come? Do not look for God to come in a particular way, but do look for Him. The way to make room for Him is to expect Him to come, but not in a certain way. No matter how well we may know God, the great lesson to learn is that He may break in at any minute. We tend to overlook this element of surprise, yet God never works in any other way. Suddenly—God meets our life “. . . when it pleased God . . . .” Keep your life so constantly in touch with God that His surprising power can break through at any point. Live in a constant state of expectancy, and leave room for God to come in as He decides.” –Oswald Chambers, January 25, 2011, My Utmost for His Highest

I do want to know what will happen next and when, but that is not what God has in these circumstances. He wants me to continue to listen. He wants me to give Him elbow room to allow Him to come in as He decides. I imagine the realities that I mentioned as possibilities today still will not happen in the way I might expect them to or at all. He will continue to work.

Shepherds Abiding

“And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, ‘Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.’ Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, ‘Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.’ When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, ‘Let’s go to Bethlemen to see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.’ So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.” Luke 2:8-20

I’ve been thinking about the groaning of creation in waiting for what was promised, a dear Savior that would redeem all. Since the beginning of time, they waited, and they waited a few thousand years before it would actually come to pass. How glorious was it for those who got to see it first hand, tangibly experiencing the deliverance of a promise so long waited for?

In meditating on the Christmas story this year, I was really struck by the fact God had the angel tell the shepherds first of the Savior’s birth.

I think about the Shepherds and what they did every day and night. Their flock was dependent upon them, and so it was the same mundane day after day in so many ways. They took turns keeping watch at night, three hours at a time. Around Passover every year and also during the time that Jesus was born, the sheep were sent out to the desert. The shepherds watched them in their vulnerable state as they wished to preserve them from the beasts of prey such as wolves. It wasn’t until the end of the first rain that they would reign their sheep back in again from the desert. That is a lot of diligent watching. That is a lot of understanding of the nature of the flock under their care. That is a lot of wisdom and discernment in what to do and when.

Yet, I imagine they were faithful to it. I imagine they accepted that it was their lot and went about doing it. I wonder if during it, they were consciously waiting for a miracle or a sign from God in the midst of the seemingly mundane. I wonder if they had a realization that the very things they were doing every day were shaping them in such a way that they would properly respond and act when their whole world would be changed by the appearing of an angel.

When the angel appeared to them, did it take them completely by surprise? Surely they had heard of the promise of a Savior, because the revelation by the angel that the Savior was born was not a complete surprise to them. We are told that they responded in fear. They feared that they were the subjects of heavenly rebuke. Proverbs 1:7 states that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of all wisdom. These shepherds immediately knew and recognized what was before them, and I imagine they were in the right kind of fear. It only begins to show the wisdom that they soon displayed.

The angel was appearing to tell of good news. He first tells them not to be afraid, but to know that they were the first bearers of “good news of great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.” Vs 11

What would it be like to be the first people told of the fulfillment of a promise so long awaited for? To be entrusted with such knowledge and opportunity to witness? And what is it to know God in such a way that as soon as this happens, they immediately believed, responded and went to go see…?

And once they were there, to see it fulfilled…how glorious to see a promise delivered in such a humble state, but exactly as it was proclaimed to them by the angel: “a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger, [this is the sign to you].” Upon seeing this sight, they declared and proclaimed what the angel had told them, confirming the faith of a virgin mother and husband in believing that what was said to pass now had. The shepherds were instrumental in the heart of Mary and Joseph, and Mary treasures their words as confirmation of hers and God’s son truly born before them in the flesh.

The Shepherds responded out of a proper fear of God, obedience, and reverence. The angel gave them exactly where they needed to go, what they needed to see, and the words they needed to say. They thus became the first proclaimers of the new Gospel and Christ the Lord. Among the presence of Mary and Joseph, they proclaimed the very thing the angel said to them: “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.”

Wow. What an experience. What a privilege to be seemingly ordinary men and shepherds singled out by God to be the first to see and proclaim the fulfillment of a long awaited promise. It seems like the story should end here with the shepherds. But, it doesn’t.

“The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things hey had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.” –vs 20

Yes. The shepherds return to their fields and flocks after seeing this sight. They glorified God for what had been told to them through the prophets and gospel history. And as shepherds in the fields, they were able to carry this message and experience forth for all those among them to hear. They had no opportunity for wavering conviction in such belief, as they were granted the privilege to see it firsthand. They become instruments of the gospel, exactly where they are at.
A seemingly mundane existence as a shepherd. But a glorious purpose in doing that very task. God had them exactly where they needed to be before the angel appeared to them, using their earthly duties to shape them in such a way that they would properly respond. And he doesn’t release them from their earthly duties after they experienced what they did. He had them return to the fields…because that’s where it was best. Though it would be easy to be resigned at this fact, the shepherds went forth praising the Lord for the privilege to bear such a message. And they carried it forth into the fields…exactly the place where they began.

May we not underestimate the daily duties before us, and trust that God has purpose in them. May we grow in our fear and reverence of the Lord and thus grow in wisdom. May we be ready to respond and act when He does intersect our daily path with something unexpected but of Him. May we treasure in our hearts what is given in those times, and carry them back with us to the “daily grind,” worshipping, glorifying, and praising Him all the more.

It is not a punishment or a neglecting of us on the Lord’s part to place us in what we deem ordinary circumstances. Rather, the circumstances are instrumental in preparing us for those extraordinary times when He deems us ready. Therefore, may we be diligent in the ordinary, allowing Him to shape us, lead us and teach us. And when the moment of the extraordinary does come and then comes to pass, may we then treasure what has been given to us and give it to others. We are always blessed…ordinary or extraordinary, for we are Known.