Fight for Joy

There are so many words I wish to express right now and I have honestly no idea as to how this will end up. Yet, I feel God leading me to blog on what I have been going through in the last two weeks, and so I will let Him lead me in what I say.

I have been in a fight…a clawing, gnashing, relentless fight…but I have also been in a surrender…a broken, weeping, submissive surrender...

These last two weeks are weeks in which one generally wouldn’t want to remember, because of how tough it has been. Yet, I know I must, and be inclined to, because it has been such of two weeks that has been changing and transforming things I didn’t realize needed to be or were there. It has been two weeks of resistance to something so hauntingly foreign. It has been two weeks of bland apathy. It has been two weeks of terrifying anxiety and fear. It has been two weeks of weeping brokenness.

But, overall, it has been two weeks of grace magnified…

Be careful to obey every command I am giving you today, so that you may live and increase and may enter and possess the land that the Lord promised on oath to your forefathers. Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Your clothes did not wear our and your feet did not swell during these forty years. Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you. Observe the commands of the Lord your God, walking in his ways and revering him. For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills, a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey, a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills. When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the Lord Your God for the good land he has given you. Be careful that you do not forget the Lord Your God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day” (Deuteronomy 8:1-11)

I have been going through about 4 chapters of Deuteronomy in the last month and a half or so. I first read this chapter and passage about 2 weeks ago. It’s so interesting to go back and reread this passage and my initial reactions to it, because I was so wrong the first time around! I have possessed so much pride and self confidence, that I think that I have been through these “desert times” when in reality, I have not! I am not a completed work nor will I ever be close to being one. When I first read this passage, I skipped over the whole humility and desert years, a testing of our hearts by God. I figured I had been through this already, but the reality is, I have never been to the extent I have been in the last two weeks.

I realize now how I put myself on a pedestal so often. I have often thought that because I have been blessed and received favor from the Lord, that I was further along the road than most. I have been looking to what can I teach others and not thinking that I could truly receive something from them far greater than anything I could give them. I have been self-reliant and prideful in so many ways.

Yet in the last two weeks when God chose to strip me of everything I have ever known, including my joy, my world has changed and has been rocked by Him. I have found myself stripped bare, naked at the foot of His throne, in incredible sorrow and in need of so much grace. How hauntingly foreign this has been, and one of, if not the most difficult thing I have ever been through.

You see, I have absolutely no reason not to be joyful. God is alive and ever present in my life, especially as of late. That’s the kicker, but also a key…

All good things come from our Father in Heaven; He alone is the source and giver of everything, including this joy of which I have been fighting for. Must my eyes be so haughty to look upon him riddled in my own pride? They have been.

Laid bare in desperate need at the foot of the throne makes me not only remember, but extravagantly experience that I am nothing apart from Him.

For a while now, God has been breaking down my defenses and my indignant nature to be the strong one in every situation. It has been ingrained in me for so long that it has kept me from being real; in particular, with my struggles and weaknesses. I think for so long people have looked up to me as a leader and one of quiet strength and bold faith, in that people have not had a complete honest perception of me. God has been giving me many opportunities and calling me to be vulnerable. When living the heart of the Gospel, I am not to put on this picture of a perfect little happy woman who’s got it all together. For if I do, why would I need a Savior?

And the fact is ever so present that I am in desperate need of a Savior. That He came to take my place, overcame this world and lived a life without sin…that is something I will never ever be able to claim any rights to. Instead of living a façade of a pillar of strength, I need to display my need for grace and God’s abundance in providing.

Throughout this fight I have found it interesting in the fact that the more honest and open I am about what I am struggling with, the more ground is gained in the fight. Truth needs to be spoken in every way, and it needs to be lived. It has been forcing me to exercise a level of vulnerability I have never approached before, and Satan has been present in that. Praise be to my God that He is so much stronger.

I had a friend come to us completely broken and in fear last night. He does not know the Lord. As I listened to him speak through heaving sobs and saw and felt the anguish he was going through, I could relate to a lot of his emotions because of what God has brought me through in the last two weeks. Yet, I found myself so overwhelmed that God would magnify what other people go through personally in me so I would gain such a greater appreciation for grace. See, the difference between me and him is that I have him and he doesn’t. And that makes all the difference. My pain is bearable, because I live in fear of Him, who is good, while he just lives in fear. Like all things, He is greater than just myself. As I was so struck by his sobbing and mourning and his pain, I found myself torn at how he was feeling, but also realizing how can I not have peace and especially joy? What hope and joy I have in the Lord…so much. I am to bring Him joy.

As I was in Crusade on Wednesday night listening to the body worship, I was overwhelmed at the unity and beauty of it all. I was able to remember that my trials are but a mere part of what is going on in the body and how God is moving. God is so much bigger than myself and the trials I go through. And God has been using these past two weeks, difficult means, to prepare me for what is to come.

Such a fight for joy…

And one ending in myself, a beggar and sinner, filthy at the throne of Righteousness, realizing my desperate need of my Savior’s grace…

And abundant grace He gives.

“I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lighted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be astounded. They will put their trust in the Lord. Oh the joys of those who trust the Lord, who have no confidence in the proud, or in those who worship idols. O Lord my God, you have done many miracles for us. Your plans are too numerous to list. If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds, I would never come to the end of them…but may all who search for you be filled with joy and gladness. May those who love your salvation repeatedly shout, ‘The Lord be exalted!’ Psalm 40:1-5, 16

Joy Reborn in Circumstance

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:28-31

In the stillness of this place
Quietly now I come and wait
In the midst of this mournful attitude I possess
Let me draw near to rest
And come to find once again
The joy reborn in circumstance

Weary I am but knowing You restore
Strength again will come once more
In time possessing diligence let me find
A renewal of my heart and mind
Knowing I am fully blessed
Fixing my eyes upon You who knows me best

In the stillness of this place
Quietly now I come and wait
In the midst of this heart swelling in praise
Let me give You a banner raised
And come to find once again
The joy reborn in circumstance

Songs Speaking to My Heart tonight

Jars of Clay Redemption Songs

I Need Thee Every Hour
I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford
I need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby
Temptations lose their power
When Thou art nigh
I need thee, oh, I need thee, every hour I need Thee
I need thee, I need thee, I need Thee every hour
I need Thee every hour in joy or pain
Come quickly and abide or life is in vain
I need Thee, oh, I need Thee, every hour I need Thee
I need Thee, I need Thee, I need Thee every hour
I need Thee, I need Thee, I need Thee every hour
Oh, bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee
Oh, bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee
I need Thee every hour, teach me Thy will
And Thy rich promises in me fulfill
I need Thee, oh, I need Thee
Oh I need Thee every hour
I need Thee, I need Thee, I need Thee every hour
I need Thee, I need Thee, I need Thee every hour
Oh, bless me now, my Savior, I come to Thee

God Will Lift Up Your Head
Give to the wind your fear
Hope and be undismayed
God hears your sighs and counts your tears
God will lift up, God will lift up, lift up your head
Chorus:God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
Lift up your head
Leave to His sovereign sway
To choose and to command
Then shall we wandering on His way
Know how wise and how strong
How wise and how strong
Chorus
Through waves and clouds and storms,He gently clears the way
Wait because in His time, so shall this night
Soon end in joy, soon end in joy Soon end in joy, soon end in joy Soon end in joy, soon end in joy Soon end in joy, soon end in joy Soon end in joy, soon end in joy

Hiding Place
Amidst the sorrows of the way
Lord Jesus, teach my soul to pray
Let me taste Thy special grace
And run to Christ, my hiding place
You know the vileness of my heart
So prone to act the rebel's part
And when You veil Your lovely face
How can I find a hiding place
Hiding place, hiding place
Lord, guide my wandering feet
Draw me to Thy mercy seat
I've nought to trust but sovereign grace
Thou only art my hiding place
How unstable is my heart
Sometimes I take the tempter's part
And slight the tokens of Thy grace
And seem to want no hiding place
Hiding place, hiding place
But when Thy spirit shines within
Makes me feel the plague of sin
And how I long to see Thy face
'Tis then I want a hiding place
Lord Jesus, shine and then I can
Feel sweetness in salvation's plan
And as a sinner plead for grace
Christ, the sinner's hiding place
And as a sinner plead for grace
Christ, the sinner's hiding place

Lately...

I am learning that I am very much in need of a Savior...

On the Move

When the Spirit is moving, it is such a beautiful thing…how blessed we are to walk in the Spirit and allow it to move through us and to guide us…remarkable.

I stand astounded tonight at the power of the Spirit and what has happened over the last day or so, as well as the past three weeks being home.

A fire has been lit inside me and continues to be honed and centered true to the source, my Heavenly Father. And as the flame finds its roots and center, how it is beginning to make impressions on others in ways only the Spirit can do.

I find myself learning the compassion of my Savior, in which He welcomed the little ones into His arms, and humbled himself to serve others. How I look upon my sisters around me and how my heart is going out to them in ways I haven’t felt it being pulled before. How I desire to love them like Christ loves me, and to let His love flow through me. How I desire my life to be a reflection of Him who has redeemed my every sin and mistake, covering me with His blood and washing me anew.

I am beginning to see through my Father’s eyes and the plans He has for those around me. How I pray that they will see His passionate pursuit after their hearts! I pray they will find their identity in Christ alone, not in the eyes of this world or in a relationship. I pray they will know that they are precious treasures in His eyes and are irreplaceable!

I find my role developing and also taking on new aspects in pursuing women. As of late, I find God placing me in an intercessor role, not just in prayer, but in giving and sharing wisdom in order to repair relationships that have been broken and scarred. God has given me the gift of being able to see things from different perspectives, while remaining steadfast to the truth. I’m amazed at how He used that today. In addition, I find God giving me so many opportunities to speak truth into other’s lives, and holy cow, what happens when the Spirit takes over…wow.

I find myself filled in a way I haven’t been before when I am able to serve them in the way Christ served. I am filled with joy when I am able to encourage them and spur them on to the One who loves them more than this world ever can offer them.

How true is it becoming that when I truly begin to fear the Lord, that it is the beginning of all wisdom…lately wisdom has been pouring out in a way that is not of me, but only of the Spirit.

I’m also learning that sometimes the greatest sign of love is a rebuke, not an easy one, but necessary. For what kind of love are we showing our brothers and sisters if we let them remain in sin and pretend that everything is fine? We are commanded to pull our brothers and sisters out of sin, and that is showing them love!

And how I am finding how contrary I am to this world and often to those around me, because of the person God has created me to be. I am beginning to see how the road He has set before me is a road less embarked on, a road less traditional and expected, but one so necessary for me to go on. I am beginning to see how God is intending for me to be a pioneer of sorts, blazing a new trail and leading the way for others. I also see how God is going to use my circumstances and relationships in order to bring people into a kind of relationship with Christ that is uncommonly seen this day. Jesus said, “I have come so they may have life and have it to the full” (John 10:10). Do we see this anymore? I rarely do. I desire for others to experience life to the full as I have! It isn’t an easy road, but it is surely blessed!

God is truly setting me apart into the individual He desires me to be. How I desire for that to always bring Him glory! I pray that I will never grieve the Spirit and take things into my own hands, but always be willing and ready to act whenever He moves. And I pray that by the grace of God, I can be used to be one to lead others into the fullest, richest, most rewarding lives that God has intended for us to receive! And how I praise Him that it is fully of Him and not of me, for I am sin and He is righteousness alone!

O the power of the Father’s Love, of the Savior’s Blood, and the Spirit’s power to change hearts and lives! To Him be the glory forever and ever!

Inclined to Obey

As I look upon all You've given
A heart of worship the source of praise
Let me turn my eyes upon You, Jesus
And come to fear You so I will obey

As I remember all You've done
Eyes in wonder of what they behold
Let me open my mouth to sing to You, Father
And come to worship You with all the songs of old

Bridge
You brought me out of slavery, triune Godhead, three in one
Signs and wonders leading to the Promised Land

Chorus
I am chosen not because I am worthy but because of Your love
All righteousness not of me but solely Your own
Let my heart fear and worship and always be inclined to obey

As I look upon what You're bringing
Hands open in order to receive
Let me walk only by You, Spirit
And come to have more reason to sing

Covenants and Majesty

“This is a time of seeing and singing, this is a time of breathing you in, and breathing out your praise. Our hearts respond to your revelation, all you are showing, all we have seen, commands a life of praise” (Matt Redman).

What a whirlwind it has been to be home. I find myself wanting to say so much but being unable to at many times. I feel myself as the above, in a time of breathing in God and breathing out His praise.

Being back in Colorado and out of the city has reminded me once again of God’s sheer majesty. Everywhere I go here, I am surrounded by majestic mountains, endless rolling green fields, countless clouds, trickling waterfalls, and stars galore. I find myself at a place I used to be so often while growing up here, and in one I took for granted so much. God’s creation beckons me into His presence, because through it all it commands His praise. How can I not look at what surrounds me and offer up praise to the One so much greater than myself? I can’t. In the mountains this weekend, I went up to 12,000 feet and all I could see were these peaks and valleys that display majesty beyond any words. I found myself on the drive home from Denver last night just watching the progression of the sunset and seeing its splendor as it darkened and faded into the evening sky, a blanket of stars above, while worship music blared into my ears in an attempt to satisfy this desire I have to cry out to God and worship Him, for He is so worthy!!! It has been an unsatisfying contentment…irony there, I know, because I find myself unbelievably content being in His presence; yet I also find myself unsatisfied because I am unable to praise Him in the way I wish to or in the way He deserves. I think perhaps that is good. Will my words ever be enough? No.

I find myself back in my childhood home and place after a summer that has changed my life. It’s interesting coming back to all I’ve known with knowledge and experiences I did not have at this time last year. God is so unbelievably FAITHFUL! What He has done in me and around me no words can fully express. It has been incredibly sweet to see the fruits of prayer being revealed right before my eyes, in which God has been revealing Himself to me in so many ways.

”When you heard the voice out of the darkness, while the mountain was ablaze with fire, all the leading men of your tribes and your elders came to me. And you said, ‘The Lord our God has shown us his glory and his majesty, and we have heard his voice from the fire. Today we have seen that a man can live even if God speaks with him. But now, why should we die? This great fire will consume us, and we will die if we hear the voice of the Lord our God any longer. For what mortal man has ever heard the voice of the living God speaking out of fire, as we have, and survived? Go near and listen to all that the Lord our God says. Then tell us whatever the Lord our God tells you. We will listen and obey.’ The Lord heard you when you spoke to me and the Lord said to me, ‘I have heard what this people said to you. Everything they said was good. Oh that their hearts would be inclined to fear me and keep all my commands always so that it might go well with them and their children forever!” Deuteronomy 5:23-29.

One of those ways is through the Word. I’ve been studying Deuteronomy 5 and 6, which is a recount of God speaking to Moses through the fire and giving the 10 commandments, along with the greatest commandment. Yet, that hasn’t been the primary thing in which God has spoken to me about. In chapter 5 in particular, it speaks of the fear of the Lord, in which beckons us to obey. The people saw the majesty of God and saw him speak through the fire and became afraid, for they were sure if it happened again, they would die. They asked God not to do it again and to tell them what to do, for they would surely obey. When I first read this, I was thinking that the people were running away from the way in which God revealed Himself to them, but then His response puzzled me. He said that the people were right, and said that if their hearts were always inclined to fear Him and to obey. The key in this I was missing and I think have missed for some time is a true, healthy fear of the Lord. He has definitely been working in that. For once I feel everything is out of my hands, which is so good. At times I fear His power, for it is infinitely great. Over and over again in the Word it talks about fear of the Lord. Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised, etc. I’ve been asking myself, “do I really have a healthy fear of God?” And I think I’m realizing that when I truly fear God, I find myself on my knees in prayer ever more. Such has been the past couple of weeks at times. Why don’t I truly fear Him? He commands it. I pray this will continue to be developed in me.

“Hear O Israel, and be careful to obey, so that it may go well with you and that you may increase gently in a land flowing with milk and honey, just as the Lord, the God of your fathers, promised you. Hear O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord you God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts…When the Lord your God brings you into the land he swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to give you—a land with large, flourishing cities you did not build, houses filled with all kinds of good things you did not provide, wells you did not dig, and vineyards and olive groves you did not plant—then when you eat and are satisfied, be careful that you do not forget the Lord, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. Fear the Lord your God, serve him only and take your oaths in his name…Do what is right and good in the Lord’s sight, so that it may go well with you and you may go on and take over the good land that the Lord promised on oath to your forefathers” (Deuteronomy 6:3-6, 10-13, 18).

This chapter has spoken to me in a personal way over this week. God set up the stage in chapter 5 with fearing the Lord and the 10 commandments being the foundation, but He chose to bring me to expound on it. In reading this chapter I see God beginning to fulfill His covenant with Israel and leading them into the Promised Land. God is about to give them everything they could ever need in the land but commands them not to forget the One who brought them out of slavery.

I think of the “covenants” of sorts He has placed in my life, one in particular. I think of what He has and is beginning to fulfill with John and me. The Lord spoke to us both about what was and is to come, and we waited, much like Israel, for God to lead us into the “promised land.” In that time we waited, God redeemed us from slavery in so many ways. After that time of waiting elapsed, God has begun to lead us into the Promised Land in our relationship, and we have been experiencing tremendous blessing. Yesterday morning after journaling, I was in sheer awe of how God orchestrates it all in a way so complex and beautiful that no mortal hand or mind could ever rival. That it is not of us, let us praise Him fully! And much like God commanded Israel as they entered into the Promised Land, we are not to forget what He has done, and we are to love and fear the Lord our God and serve Him only. Oh that this is what He deserves! Oh that we are not worthy of such a blessing but God has chosen to give it! It is my prayer that through this relationship we will live not for ourselves but for Him. I pray we will not hold back any glory due to Him! I pray that this relationship will reek of the goodness of our Father and only draw others closer to Him!

Lastly, I have been struck since being home at how much God answers prayer, and in the best ways. I have been praying specific, detailed prayers, and goodness, it has brought me to realize God’s faithfulness on an entirely new level. That the Lord’s majesty is so great that He also reveals it in prayer in incredible ways! So let us present our requests to God in prayer with thanksgiving, and through that, He will guard our hearts and minds (Phil 4:6-7). That is good. That is my God. And that reeks of majesty.