Be Gentle to this Raging Heart

Be gentle to this raging heart of mine
Dear Father, ordain it still
Let this force that will not be diminished
Soon be fulfilled
O that this is of You I know full well
Stated by Your Word
Kindled by Your loving kindness ever more
Passionately it burns
Be gentle to this raging heart of mine
That within You stir
Let this consummation that runneth over
Be given its birth
O that this is of You I know full well
I see before my eyes
Kindled by Your Holy Spirit ever more
Passionately it burns
Be gentle to this raging heart of mine
Dear Father, that you know so well
Let its rebirth in purity take its root
Farthest from the depths of hell
O that this is of You in everything I cling
Knowing it is not of me
Kindled by Your Heavenly passion ever more
Passionately it burns
Be gentle to this raging heart of mine
I need You so much still

The Last of Reflection

The last of my reflection…I am packed and ready to head home, and I take with me a heart overflowing with praise…for how GOOD is my Lord, words can never give Him the praise and description He deserves!

It’s been such a sweet day, meditating on Psalm 105:1-5, each verse individually and at different parts of the day…so amazing! This is what I did:
Psalm 105:1: Give thanks-Praises and Thanksgiving, meditation, prayer
Psalm 105:2: Sing praise-worship time
Psalm 105:5: Remember His acts-reflection on past two weeks, pray and journal
Psalm 105:4: Look to Him and seek His strength- prepare/pray for upcoming future
Psalm 105:3: Glory in His name, rejoice-rejoice in Him, journal about future, pray

Oh how God has met me today and wrapped up this reflection time and prepared to send me out, to home, school, and abroad!

I stand amazed at this summer and past year…goodness how God has worked, and I still only understand part.

Oh what He has in store…I can only imagine, and it won’t even be close to the actual things!

And oh, I can’t describe what I feel now…I stand speechless at the feet of my Lord, only able to look up at His face through my tears of joy and offer myself to Him…

I stand speechless and amazed, at an utter loss for words…

He is good, so good, beyond good…!

A Heart for the Nations

Dear Lord,

I know You are calling me to write about this tonight, especially after the conversations I’ve had in the past two days with Shelley and John, but I don’t even know where to begin. I pray You will speak through me and lead me, letting all words flow from the Spirit.

I was talking with each John and Shelley about the fact that it seems like so many people are being called to international missions in some way, including me. We were discussing where these callings are coming from and how You are leading us in it. And I must look back on this summer, search my heart, and see where You have led me in it.

In October at Crusade is when You first revealed to me You were calling me into international missions at and for some point of my life. There were a few other things You gave me in that, but were somewhat vague at the time and I knew You were to continue to develop them in Your timing. In this, You confirmed it with Your word, expressing the desire I felt and had in Romans 8.

Throughout this year I have known the call but I hadn’t truly felt it. In a lot of ways You continued to pull me from my earthly ties and show me how I am a stranger on earth, and am only a citizen of You. Because of being born and growing up in the same town for 18 years, I am used to having very strong roots. Yet, through college and Summer Project and the time I have here in Hollywood, You are showing me that I am only to put down roots in You, and also leading me to what I believe is going to be a life of much transition. That is completely different than anything I have ever known, and through that, O Lord, I know that I will have to rely solely on You and not on my own strength, because my own strength will not carry me through.

Shortly after speaking to me about my missions call, You were beckoning me to apply for summer project. Santa Monica was the last place I picked; I picked it as an afterthought, but through all of the circumstances regarding my application and recommendation, that is where You led me, and now I so beautifully see why.

From the beginning of project, I was met with a diversity of people that I have never been around in one place before. To say that Santa Monica is a melting pot of sorts seems to be an understatement. Never before had I walked among peoples from every nation and tongue and state of life imaginable it seemed. In the first week I talked to people from probably 6 or 7 different countries, and that boggled my mind! Needless to say, Colorado Springs and SLO aren’t exactly the most diverse of places. So what a change it was to see and be confronted with all of these people.

And from the beginning when we went out sharing, quickly You broke my heart for the lost. As I was writing about the other night, I finally saw that we are all united as Your people, in the fact that we all need You so desperately, regardless of who we are.

Yet as I continued to talk with these international people over the course of the first few weeks, I found myself fascinated with their beliefs and the roots of such from their countries. I think in other countries one finds roots, systems, practices, and rituals in such a structure that you would never find here in the United States. For example, I talked to so many Catholics from Europe and Mexico for the most part, and yet they didn’t understand or grasp the Gospel. So often the reason why they were “Catholics” is because that was the church of the country or the practice of the family.

With people from the United States, I think I saw the most new-age and post-modernists beliefs, in general anyway. But I think a large majority of the international people I talked to, when asking their spiritual background, answered with the name of a current religion, whether it be Islam, Judaism, Catholicism, Buddhism, etc. Yet so often I also found that these people had very little idea of their own religious belief systems or why they “believed” it.

One girl I talked to on the SMC campus with Kathryn stands out in my mind right now. Such a sweet girl…we talked to her and she said she was Muslim but not practicing. That is her family’s belief system though they’re not practicing either. We talked with her about why she says she is Muslim when she doesn’t believe it or isn’t practicing it, and got into a good discussion about that.

I think I am seeing that it seems like there are two extremes with international people. The first being that there is a belief system in place, they profess to follow a religion, but know little about it. It’s about the practice of religion, and the relationship with You is missing. The second, which I wasn’t directly acquainted with this summer, being that they have never heard of the Gospel and don’t really have any form of religion, and the relationship with You is also missing.

Regardless of what these are, it comes back to the fact the relationship with You is missing. What a blessing it was to share that with these people this summer, and I found them more open to having spiritual conversation and hearing the gospel than people from the United States were.

I think we have so much information and input being thrust in our faces constantly in the United States that this new information is losing its appeal…it seems like it’s something we’ve heard of before or something that has happened before or something someone else has done before. Needless to say in sharing with them, I didn’t see quite the same response with the gospel as I did with international people.

A lot of this is me thinking out loud, O Lord, and I pray You continue to lead this…

I’m reminded of the Great Commission: Matthew 28:19-20: “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the Name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you.”

I’m also reminded of Acts 1:8: “But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth." And a sidenote with this: Jerusalem is the birthplace of the church, the hometown in a sense. Judea and Samaria are the neighboring lands of Jerusalem. The ends of the earth is self-explanatory. In speaking through this O Lord, You are calling us to first be Your witnesses in our “hometowns,” and then in our “neighboring lands” and then to the ends of the earth. I think this is a model I need to follow.

The scripture that was key this summer O Lord was Matthew 24:14: “And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.”

Jamie explained this so well, in stating that the condition for the end to come is that the Gospel will first be preached to all the nations in the whole world. This fascinated me, O Lord, and as I continued to meditate on this, what You did in my heart…

The night of the international dinner, I was not assigned to a country to go and eat their food and practice their customs; but rather, You placed me in the 10-40 window group. How You were there with me in such an amazingly profound way…there were many things You were doing at that present time as for choices I needed to make, but You brought this choice above them all: will I choose to accept the calling You have for me in international missions, and all that comes with it, or would I not accept it and go the other way? For two hours we sat in silence in a hot, cramped room, and during that time we read all about the 10-40 window, from general information to specific profiles of different countries. We prayed and meditated on this in silence, and how You moved my heart in a way that You never have before with all of this…

I was for the first time being confronted with all of the statistics and nature of what these countries were like. I read of their government, the demographics, the religious environment, so on and so forth. A majority of this was rather grim. Yet You swelled in my heart that these people have never heard of You…never heard that You love them, have never heard the gospel…and I found and still find myself heartbroken at that. Oh that these people have never experienced the joy, hope, salvation, purpose, and redemption that I have in You! Oh how they are missing out on the source of life itself…

And I can’t not go…I must tell these people of You…I must. They need to hear of the One whom I love more than anyone or anything that could ever exist…YOU. You enabled me to accept all that comes with this calling and realize that all that I count as loss for the sake of glorifying and preaching Your name…to the nations, O Lord. And how I will be able to participate in the end to come, for I will go and preach the gospel to the nations, O Lord.

How graciously You are providing in that aspect, and have so much in store for it. I eagerly await Your leading in it, and know Your timing is best…

And also, how scared and timid I am about this, but I know You are so much greater and stronger, for You have overcome the world. You are the rock I cling to and my trust will remain in You.

Tonight You’re speaking to me about how we are led as to where to go. I think I finally see something…I think often times we can have a heart for a region and place for missions, but with that, and foremost, we need to have a heart for the people there. We are not going to preach to mountains and sea, to buildings and farms, to cars, buses, or trains, but we are going to preach and show Your love to the people. In having a heart for missions, I think we need to have a heart for the people above all else, and ask You for that first and foremost. I pray that You will continue to break mine and others hearts for the lost people of this world, and then lead us to those people that break ours the most, whom we are compelled to share with.

I know for me, You led me a bit with this aspect this summer. I planned the outreach for Chinatown with Ben, and went sharing there with Derek. There weren’t just Chinese people there; it was largely the Asian population. In the conversations we had, I found a common thing…that people were largely Buddhist because of family ties, because that is how they have been raised. Granted there are other factors such as government, but that surprisingly wasn’t brought up, probably because we were in America. I still don’t know what the true nature is like in Asia with freedom of religion and all. But through these conversations, I found myself thinking back to my own background and seeing how You put Your grip on my life regardless of what my family religion and beliefs were. I think so often people feel confined to believe what their family does, and accepts that without seeking on their own. Lord, it was beautiful in that time to be able to communicate how You are a personal God who desires a relationship with every person, and that it doesn’t have to be decided by family, just a choice to seek after You personally. And Lord, how I desire to communicate this to people…that You are a personal God who changes lives through a relationship with you…and seeing how the Asian culture in large part has strong family ties, I see these lining up.

And obviously, there will be the most leading in how You lead me with my husband…because I know I am called to serve alongside him in international missions; that is a huge portion of what You spoke to me about in the initial missions call.

This is kind of a lot of different things within the theme of a heart for the nations, but Lord, I praise You in how You began to foster that with me in a huge way this summer and will continue to. Lord how I desire to see all peoples of the world enter into a relationship with You, and in order for that to happen, “this gospel of the kingdom will be [and must be] preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.”

A Night Just for Me

I know most of you are used to me updating every day for the past 2 weeks, but tonight is just for God and me. However, I wanted to post some amazing quotes from the new book I’m reading: The Journals of Jim Elliot.

“Your speech betrays you.’ (Genesis 27) However clearly I may cover my hands, do acts which make me seem someone I am not, and deceive by the gifts my hand might provide, the ultimate test for who I am is by my voice. ‘That voice is Jacob’s voice’—that could not be doubted. Out of a heart that is full of either sweet water or bitter springs, the fountain at my tongue and who or what I really am is at my heart. Clear out the source and fill it with Thy love that my speech may be sound and uncondemned—today!”

“(Genesis 31) Rachel and Leah manifest an attitude toward the family which I would have toward earthly ties. There is now no longer an inheritance for me down here. I’ve been bought by the labors of that great Shepherd who came from afar to gain me as His bride. Lead on Lord, I am now ready to go. Jacob’s leading away from Laban would see the world’s countenance different toward me than before. It has smiled and shown itself congenial, but now that Thou hast blessed me above measure, it can only be envious of me as it was of You, Lord Jesus.”

“(Genesis 35) Lord, that I would recenter my spiritual life as Jacob does in this portion. Instead of Beth-el, he centers his experience on El Beth-el—not the house of God but the God of that house. Often I feel compassion for Thy Church, because it is visivle and can be physically apprehended, but I would not have that be my concern any longer. Lord, I want to be centering my interest on Thee, the God of God’s house. Be then revealed to me that my desires might be fixed on the primary thing. Christ, the Son of sorry, has now become the Son of His right hand. Praise God, the Savior is exalted in heaven and there given His deserved place. ‘As in Heaven, so in earth.’ Even so, come, Lord Jesus!”

“God I pray, light these idle sticks of my life and may I burn up for Thee. Consume my life, my God, for it is Thine. I seek not a long life but a full one like Yours, Lord Jesus. As I came our of Harper’s study, several were enjoying a social time, and I had thoughts of self-righteousness as I turned away. But God knows my heart. To that soul which has tasted of Christ, the jaunty laugh, the taunting music of mingled voices, and the haunting appeal of smiling eyes—all these lack flavor—and I would drink deeply of Him. Fill me, O Spirit of Christ, with all the fullness of God.”

“(Genesis 40) Lord, I confess to Thee that now that it is well with me I have not remembered Thee aright. Thou knowest how it is easy to get into service after release from chains and to be so active that it is possible to forget the One who ministered when there was no hope of escape. I would remember Thee, Lord Jesus, because of the seven famine years coming upon earth—the future of the entire peoples depends upon my not forgetting to make mention of Thy Name. Show me, I pray, the difference between budding and blossoming worship and service (the vine) and those ‘prepared’ foods. In worship of the Great Kind, I would know how to press into Thy hand the fresh juice of living worship, not the hardened dead meat which is only in my head and quickly plucked away by the Plunderer. I would put Thy truth to practice—in the hand; not only have it for display—on the head. Not as the baker, but as the butler. O God, save me from a life of barrenness, following a formal pattern of ethics called Theism and give instead that vital contact of the soul with Thy divine life that fruit may be produced and Life-abundant living may be known again as the final proof for Christ’s message and work!”

Heart for the Lost

I’m reminded of how apathetic I was to sharing my faith and to the lost in general before this summer, O Lord. Sure, there was my family and a couple of close friends whom I really wanted to come to know You, but that was probably the extent of it. For some reason I always neglected how You transformed my life and how amazing that is in spurring me on to tell others about You. I think for so long, I have been afraid to share my faith because of the fear of pushing others away, like what happened with my parents. I think I also subconsciously took on my parents’ philosophy for a long time: what one believes is best for them, regardless of what it is.

Over the 6 years I’ve been a Christian, I had a lot of spiritual conversations with non-believers. I loved to encourage them that You love them and have a plan for their life, and I also loved to share about what You were doing in mine. Yet I think the only time I have really shared the gospel prior to project was in bits and pieces to my parents. Now looking back, that ASTOUNDS me.

From the first day we went sharing on the Promenade, I asked You to give me a heart for Your people. O Lord, how You responded! You allowed me to see people through Your eyes and to hear their hearts, and to realize how truly lost people are. Oh that the universal need, regardless of nation or tongue, is that we need You, our Dear Savior!

It’s so difficult for me to put this into words…and I know that’s why I haven’t written on it thus far. Lord, how my heart has broken for Your people…and how I pray I will never forget what You have done this summer with that. After hundreds of conversations with people from every place and state imaginable, I have been changed…

Lord, to see the people who are too prideful to accept they need a savior…the people who were too apathetic to care…the people who relied on their own intelligence to think they were good enough…the people who mixed their own religion like a drink in a blender and that was enough for them…the people who were completely against any spiritual belief…the people who were angry with the fact that there is a God out there who loves them…the people who have bought into lies of other religions and philosophies…the people scarred by years of hurt by the church and have since left…the people who have never heard of Christ…the people who are stuck in the ways of family traditions and beliefs…the people who worship idols…the people consumed by the temporal world…the people old, the people young, the people male, the people female, the people from every tongue and every nation….

These are the people I saw this summer. And these are Your people, O Lord. And these are also the people who don’t know You. That breaks my heart…

For how can we not look in the eyes of those who are lost and see the brokenness inside? How can we not see the longing that only You can fulfill? How can we not see the scars upon them by years of hurt, abuse, or despair? How can we not hear the pain laced in their voices when they speak of their past? How can we not realize the comfort so many people place themselves in that keeps them from believing in You? How can we not see the universal need of You?

So often this summer, O Lord, You allowed me to see who these people I was talking to truly were. Regardless of who they were, I think in every person I saw the child within them…the one that possessed true joy, naivety, and a desire to trust someone greater than themselves. I saw the ones that wanted to run into daddy’s arms, knowing they would be safe and sound and loved. I saw the ones who would believe in anything they were told, because they had that childlike faith that everything was right in the world...

And somewhere over the years, this child has left…either hurt, moved on, grown up, or something else. And somewhere over the years they have either left the idea of knowing You personally, have never been confronted with it, or have found some other way…and years down the road, they still don’t know You.

Over and over it boggled my mind that they didn’t know You…that for some, it was the first time hearing the Gospel, for some the millionth. Some chose to listen, others shrugged it off.

Yet after this summer I can’t not believe that all of these people desire to be in Daddy’s arms…desire to be innocent, forgiven, and naïve, able to place all their cares and wants in someone greater than themselves…the thing that can only be found through You…

And how could I have been silent this long…!?! Oh how I have grieved You in not sharing before this summer! How can I hold back, for some people, the only opportunity to hear the gospel? How can I be apathetic to Your people when all around me, I am surrounded by their breaking hearts that only You can mend?

How can I not tell them?

I can’t.

I saw the joy in leading one to You this summer. I saw the change in her eyes and heart visibly before me in a way so beautiful that can only be orchestrated by Your Holy Spirit. I saw my mother, who has been completely redeemed, who asked me, “how can people not live for something bigger than themselves?”

That is You, O Lord, changer of lives and changer of hearts.

And that is the power of the Gospel, the universal story of love, hope, and redemption.

Oh how I pray that I will never ever water down the Gospel and never once again, pass by an opportunity to share it!

And O Lord, I pray that my heart remain broken for Your people, until every single one of them has had the chance to hear the gospel!

The need is too great for me to ignore it any longer…

These are Your people O Lord…

And these are the people who so desperately need You.

Prayer

I think I have been neglecting the power of prayer, O Lord. Or perhaps prayer is taking a different form with me. Lord, we prayed a lot this summer with sharing and outreaches and meetings and all of that stuff, but my prayer life wasn’t the same as it used to be. You taught me so much about intercessory prayer this summer and how I saw You work through that in amazing ways! As for my personal prayer life, I know those prayers I prayed You heard and answered in amazing ways, but I believe I could’ve tapped into it more on an individual basis.

Yet I also find myself in closer communion with You than I ever have before. In my thoughts I am conversing with You…it’s not really a conscious choice but something that is happening naturally. And I wonder if this is a facet of prayer for me, in one that I don’t have to be concentrating diligently on it and set aside time to do it, but that it’s becoming a lifestyle. To pray ceaselessly is Your command, O Lord. Is that taking shape in me?

I find You speaking clearly to me when I am conversing with You and realizing that You speak through Your word so clearly and beautifully, O Lord. In the silence I hear Your voice, and that is something You revealed to me today. I can’t run or hide from You, for You are always with me.

I think the solitude I had so often this summer You used in order to teach me this. In being alone with my thoughts, I am alone with You. I learned to be content in the solitude of the world and be in Your presence at the same time. You taught me how to go to the quiet place
no matter where I am at.

I remember one of our outreaches in which I went sharing with Ben. We were talking to these two guys in Marina del Rey and a family passed by, the mom the last one. She heard Ben sharing the gospel and asked him what it was he was talking about. Ben told her, and she pulled her family back, in particular, her son, and told them they must stay and hear what Ben was saying. Her son was extremely uncooperative and kept trying to leave. She held him firmly and told him that it was time for the devil to leave him, that he was going to hear what he once believed and what had changed his life. There was a shouting match of sorts going on, and when allowed to do so, Ben went through the gospel, expressing its main points while the mom forcefully held her son to listen. About halfway through the gospel, the family started pulling away, telling the mom that they had to go, and so the mom asked us to walk with them and keep talking. So off we went in a frenzy and Ben kept going. He got through the gospel and the mom and family thanked us and went off on their way.

Some remarkable things happened during this time. One, that it was an ordained encounter that we were to be there. Another, that I was praying during this time while Ben was talking, and how I prayed to You that the mom would show him love and not the apparent anger she was. I prayed that he would believe in You because You captured his heart, not because of a family thing. And Lord, I prayed that You would give me an opportunity to show him You. The next thing I knew, he turned to me, and started saying how this was all bogus crap and stuff, and I just looked deep into his eyes and I don’t even remember what You said through me, but instantly he changed. The devil was pushed aside for a split second and I saw Your light being manifested in him. He looked at me in amazement, wondering what it was, and I know it was You. That was incredible, O Lord. I saw a glimpse of what Your power is like if we choose to take hold of it. But it was through prayer that I took hold of it.

I honestly don’t know where my prayer life is at right now. I know it has grown in a lot of ways, and has changed a bit as well. I think the question on my mind right now is the fact that You are sovereign…so how do our prayers add to anything You do? I’m not very articulate in stating this question, but I know it is crucial I pray, and will continue to. I pray You will show me the significance of it. I pray You will continue to reveal Yourself through these prayers as You have been in such beautiful ways. And Lord, my last question is, what should my prayer life look like when I’m in such close communion with Your spirit? I thank You for allowing us to converse with You so intimately, O Lord!

Clear Glass

A remembrance of who I was
A realization of who I’ve become
The utter workings of Your mighty hand
Leave me speechless and stunned
O who am I to deserve the grace You’ve given
And the blessings You have bestowed?
Still willingly and freely You give
Beckoning me to be Your own
O that I once considered the price too great
To deny myself and follow after You
Praises ceaselessly roll off my tongue
That the old is gone, and at last You bring the new
O that my words will never be enough
To declare the wonders You have done
Surrendered lives laid at the throne of righteousness
Now walking in the light of Your Son
O how beautiful is the sight my eyes now behold
To see the promises that through You abound
The covenants You have made and will fulfill
Through my ears will ring a heavenly sound
O how my heart wells in fervent joy
Because of the richness of Your love
I weep tears of sweetness for You
O Father in Heaven, who Thou art above

Living Word

“For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12

“All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” 2 Timothy 3:16-17

I think for the first time in my life I am finally realizing the power of the Word and how You speak through it, O Lord. Lord, the Bible is overwhelming to me because every time I open it, there is a new deep, amazing truth to be read and discovered. Everything I need is in there, all answers, hope, and truth. For so long I have neglected seeking out the truth in the Word. I just read it on the surface in an attempt for it to fit what I was thinking about that day. How I should be seeking You out every single time I open it, allowing You to reveal what it is You wish! It is not I who determines what I am to learn, but the Holy Spirit, the giver of all wisdom!

It was said to me that I bring people back to the word when talking to them. I point them to the Bible and what You are saying. I remember a couple of times in that, O Lord, but I don’t really think I do, at least not in the way I should be. Everything I say needs to come back to the Word and needs to come from it. For so long I have relied on my own philosophies and ideas, and this summer, You showed me some of those which are completely wrong. You have created me with an intellectual and philosophical mind, but that is to be used to seek out You and Your truths, not to try to fit You within my own ideas. How much I put You in a box when I do that! And how I did that this summer in talking with Chase and then Paul, in which one of the things I have long held onto completely ignored the fact that You are sovereign and are all powerful!

I can be quite hasty with my words. I need to heed what Solomon said in Ecclesiastes 5:1-7: “Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools, who do not know that they do wrong. Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few. As a dream comes when there are many cares, so the speech of a fool when there are many words. When you make a vow to God, do not delay in fulfilling it. He has no pleasure in fools; fulfill your vow. It is better not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it. Do not let your mouth lead you into sin. And do not protest to the temple messenger, ‘My vow was a mistake.’ Why should God be angry at what you say and destroy the work of your hands? Much dreaming and many words are meaningless. Therefore, stand in awe of God.” Now that is convicting, O Lord, for I feel it was written just for me. It’s so easy for me to let my mouth take off without being purposeful and spoken by You. It needs to be the Holy Spirit leading me in what to say. I also need to remember that rather than saying things just to say them, it is better not to say anything at all. I don’t want to lead people or myself astray by my mouth, and must be careful in doing so. It’s one of those things in which the greater potential for good, the greater potential for evil.

I praise You for this summer in which You taught me that my words are inadequate, and how You took away my writing for quite some time so I could stand in awe of You and let my words be few. It was difficult, O Lord, because writing is very much an outlet and way for me to connect with You, but it was so good to learn to connect with You in spirit.

I can’t even begin to express how Your word filled me this summer and continues to. It fulfills everything I need. Yet Lord, I don’t feel I know the Word. I feel like I am lacking so much when it comes to knowledge of it all. I want to learn what Proverbs 1 means when it states that “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of all wisdom.” I don’t think I truly understand that.

Lord, I pray that You will continue to reveal Your truths to me. I pray that in everything I say that it will be rooted in the word and come from it. Let me not neglect it any longer, but continue to seek it out with the hunger that You bestowed in me this summer!

Some Passages from this Summer

“Hear, O LORD, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Guard my life, for I am devoted to you. You are my God; save your servant who trusts in you. Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to you all day long. Bring joy to your servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you. Hear my prayer, O LORD; listen to my cry for mercy. In the day of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me. Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord; no deeds can compare with yours. All the nations you have made will come and worship before you, O Lord; they will bring glory to your name. For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God. Teach me your way, O LORD , and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.” Psalm 86:1-13

This was on the first day of project in which I was wondering what the heck I had gotten myself into by deciding to come on project. I had such a divided heart between wanting to be there and wanting to be at home and have an easy summer. It was my prayer to You for You to recognize I was poor and needy in every way, and I asked you to guard my life and give me joy.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-7

This was the first night Mike spoke and I found You comforting me so much through this passage, because I saw that You were a giver of comfort in our present sufferings. You used this throughout the summer for me to turn to You and receive comfort, peace as the world does not give (John 14:27). In addition, Paul Carbajal used this passage to encourage me to comfort others, reach out to women, because You have comforted me.

"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters - yes, even his own life - he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.” Luke 14:26-27

I used to always have a problem with this passage. I didn’t understand why in loving You, we would have to hate everyone else, even our own family and those closest to us. Yet DJ explained it so well. He said that our love for You should be so strong and distinct that our love for everyone else looks like hate. That is how much we are called and should love You, O Lord.

“For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline... Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage--with great patience and careful instruction. For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths. But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry." 2 Timothy 1:6-7, 4:2-5

This, along with all of 2 Timothy, came during Pick Up Your rock week, in which we were evangelizing like crazy. I had 27 spiritual conversations that week, about 10 of which I was able to share the gospel. Lord, how You used the words of Paul to light my fire, knowing that I do not have the spirit of fear but one of power. And Lord, what prophecy I also saw in these words of the current state of Santa Monica. You spoke to me that I must always be prepared to preach the Gospel and to fulfill my ministry. Through this You laid a foundation not just for the summer, but for the rest of my life…and that is incredible!

“Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us.” 2 Corinthians 1:9-10

Oh how this rang true for me this summer, for me to quit relying on myself and solely on You! How beautiful it was to see this fulfilled in my life to know that You deliver me from anything I face! I praise You for showing me that You are more than sufficient and I no longer have to rely on myself!

"For no matter how many promises God has made, they are "Yes" in Christ. And so through him the "Amen" is spoken by us to the glory of God. Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.” 2 Corinthians 1:20-22

This was an anchor of this summer, in me holding onto this passage and what You speak through it. I needed to remember Your promises and know that You will fulfill them, and that You make me stand firm. Amen to Your words and works!

“But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life.” 1 Timothy 1:16

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” Galatians 2:20

It’s as simple as this. I am sin, You are righteousness alone. All I am is You and You living through me.

“Do not put out the Spirit’s fire.” 1 Thessalonians 5:19

Oh how You used John in speaking this verse to me. Lord, this was at the…2/3 mark of project and how I was beginning to try to do too much too soon and run the risk of burning out. But with this You also spoke to me through candles before me, in showing me that the flame needs to burn steadily on its source before the wax melts and sends out its rippling effects. I don’t need to rush anything. I need to be diligent in seeking You out and responding to the moving of the Holy Spirit. Things should never be of me but fully of You. This verse became a huge theme for project for me.

Jesus left the temple and was walking away when his disciples came up to him to call his attention to its buildings. "Do you see all these things?" he asked. "I tell you the truth, not one stone here will be left on another; every one will be thrown down. As Jesus was sitting on the Mount of Olives, the disciples came to him privately. "Tell us," they said, "when will this happen, and what will be the sign of your coming and of the end of the age? Jesus answered: "Watch out that no one deceives you. For many will come in my name, claiming, 'I am the Christ, and will deceive many. You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of birth pains. Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me. At that time many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other, and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people. Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved. And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come. So when you see standing in the holy place 'the abomination that causes desolation, spoken of through the prophet Daniel--let the reader understand-- then let those who are in Judea flee to the mountains. Let no one on the roof of his house go down to take anything out of the house. Let no one in the field go back to get his cloak. How dreadful it will be in those days for pregnant women and nursing mothers! Pray that your flight will not take place in winter or on the Sabbath. For then there will be great distress, unequaled from the beginning of the world until now--and never to be equaled again. If those days had not been cut short, no one would survive, but for the sake of the elect those days will be shortened. At that time if anyone says to you, 'Look, here is the Christ!' or, 'There he is!' do not believe it. For false Christs and false prophets will appear and perform great signs and miracles to deceive even the elect--if that were possible. See, I have told you ahead of time. "So if anyone tells you, 'There he is, out in the desert,' do not go out; or, 'Here he is, in the inner rooms,' do not believe it. For as lightning that comes from the east is visible even in the west, so will be the coming of the Son of Man. Wherever there is a carcass, there the vultures will gather. Immediately after the distress of those days the sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light; the stars will fall from the sky, and the heavenly bodies will be shaken. "At that time the sign of the Son of Man will appear in the sky, and all the nations of the earth will mourn. They will see the Son of Man coming on the clouds of the sky, with power and great glory. And he will send his angels with a loud trumpet call, and they will gather his elect from the four winds, from one end of the heavens to the other. Now learn this lesson from the fig tree: As soon as its twigs get tender and its leaves come out, you know that summer is near. Even so, when you see all these things, you know that it is near, right at the door. I tell you the truth, this generation will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened. Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away. "No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. As it was in the days of Noah, so it will be at the coming of the Son of Man. For in the days before the flood, people were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, up to the day Noah entered the ark; and they knew nothing about what would happen until the flood came and took them all away. That is how it will be at the coming of the Son of Man. Two men will be in the field; one will be taken and the other left. Two women will be grinding with a hand mill; one will be taken and the other left. Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come. But understand this: If the owner of the house had known at what time of night the thief was coming, he would have kept watch and would not have let his house be broken into. So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him. "Who then is the faithful and wise servant, whom the master has put in charge of the servants in his household to give them their food at the proper time? It will be good for that servant whose master finds him doing so when he returns. I tell you the truth, he will put him in charge of all his possessions. But suppose that servant is wicked and says to himself, 'My master is staying away a long time,' and he then begins to beat his fellow servants and to eat and drink with drunkards. The master of that servant will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour he is not aware of. He will cut him to pieces and assign him a place with the hypocrites, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.” Matthew 24

This was officially the passage that freaked me out the most this summer. See, I had never fully come to grips with the fact that You could very well come in my lifetime. It was disturbing in a sense to read of the realities that could be fulfilled. I had been meditating on verse 14 for some time, about preaching the gospel to all the nations, in how You used that to lead me to missions, but I, for some time, ignored the last part, and then the end will come. Oh Lord, how You used this and are using this to teach me to always desire the eternal above the temporal, and to look forward to seeing Your Kingdom here on earth. There’s so much with this, O Lord, but this is also a key example of true power through Your word.

“I am fully convinced, dear brothers and sisters, that you are full of goodness. You know these things so well that you are able to teach others all about them. Even so, I have been bold enough to emphasize some of these points, knowing that all you need is this reminder from me. For I am, by God's grace, a special messenger from Christ Jesus to you Gentiles. I bring you the Good News and offer you up as a fragrant sacrifice to God so that you might be pure and pleasing to him by the Holy Spirit. So it is right for me to be enthusiastic about all Christ Jesus has done through me in my service to God. I dare not boast of anything else. I have brought the Gentiles to God by my message and by the way I lived before them. I have won them over by the miracles done through me as signs from God—all by the power of God's Spirit. In this way, I have fully presented the Good News of Christ all the way from Jerusalem clear over into Illyricum. My ambition has always been to preach the Good News where the name of Christ has never been heard, rather than where a church has already been started by someone else.” Romans 15:14-21

“Wake up, wake up, O Zion! Clothe yourselves with strength. Put on your beautiful clothes, O holy city of Jerusalem, for unclean and godless people will no longer enter your gates. The LORD will demonstrate his holy power before the eyes of all the nations. The ends of the earth will see the salvation of our God. Go now, leave your bonds and slavery. Put Babylon behind you, with everything it represents, for it is unclean to you. You are the LORD's holy people. Purify yourselves, you who carry home the vessels of the LORD. You will not leave in a hurry, running for your lives. For the LORD will go ahead of you, and the God of Israel will protect you from behind.” Isaiah 52:1, 10-12

“I, even I, am the one who comforts you. So why are you afraid of mere humans, who wither like the grass and disappear? Yet you have forgotten the LORD, your Creator, the one who put the stars in the sky and established the earth. Will you remain in constant dread of human oppression? Will you continue to fear the anger of your enemies from morning till night? Soon all you captives will be released! Imprisonment, starvation, and death will not be your fate! For I am the LORD your God, who stirs up the sea, causing its waves to roar. My name is the LORD Almighty. And I have put my words in your mouth and hidden you safely within my hand. I set all the stars in space and established the earth. I am the one who says to Israel, 'You are mine!” Isaiah 51:12-16

Lord how You used all three of these passages in ways I am still unable to articulate. This was in my quiet time before my last trip to Venice. How You showed me how living and active Your word is and how it fights battles. How You spoke so clearly about my calling into missions and the path You have laid before me. I thank You so much for these passages.

“Give thanks to the LORD and proclaim his greatness. Let the whole world know what he has done. Sing to him; yes, sing his praises. Tell everyone about his miracles. Exult in his holy name; O worshipers of the LORD, rejoice! Search for the LORD and for his strength, and keep on searching. Think of the wonderful works he has done, the miracles and the judgments he handed down, O children of Abraham, God's servant, O descendants of Jacob, God's chosen one. He is the LORD our God. His rule is seen throughout the land.” Psalm 105:1-7

This is so beautiful in me reflecting over this summer O Lord, in realizing all of the things You have done and taught me. Yet there is a key verse in this passage, telling me to search for You and Your strength and to keep on searching. Though at this time I am reflecting and remembering all You have done, I am to always keep searching for You.
And so I will, O Lord. My life-long adventure into the Word is just beginning. O Lord I pray You will continue to make it living and active to me, bringing life to my heart and bones, realizing that You are God! Thank You for the precious gift You have given in Your Word!

Spiritual Warfare

I’ve been reeling and recovering from this spiritual attack of last night and today. Lord, You are so much stronger, I praise and thank You so much.

I’ve been thinking today and asking myself why was this one so intense? It was one of the most intense ones I have had in some time…not just at the time of the attack but its effects afterward. There were a lot of things that set it off, such as me reading through my journals of this past summer and seeing what gains have been made in my walk with You. I think after reading those journals I also saw what happens and is happening when I begin to truly take hold of the power that is of You. Extremely significant things happened this summer, from what You did and what You have been teaching me. As a result of this I am so much more confident in what You have done in me and who You are shaping me to be.

Yet there is a bitter, bitter enemy to my heart and soul. I stepped into dangerous territory last night, into the realization of what is happening as I embrace and fully surrender to You. There’s some damage happening in the kingdom of darkness because of this. Satan will do whatever he can to pull me away from doing such. And so often, Satan pulls me back to the beginning of where I was, in making me feel inferior and unworthy, bringing me back to the darkness I once knew before knowing You and in my earlier years.

I find it interesting in the fact that I struggle so much with pride with You, O Lord, and that Satan attacks me on the opposite spectrum, making me feel so inferior. I wonder why it is that Satan is attacking me to make me feel the opposite of my struggle? Somewhere in the middle there is a humility but confidence. I pray You will continue to lead me there.

I’ve been thinking about something John said a while ago in one of our conversations. We were talking about spiritual warfare and he said something such as “I imagine it will only get harder from this point forward.” I’ve been thinking about that a lot, O Lord, and what that means. I believe there will be harder and more intense battles as advances are made in our spiritual walks with you, but I also come back to the fact that we have Your power at our disposal if we choose to take hold of it. Do these battles always have to happen? Luke 10:19 states that “I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you." You have given us authority, O Lord, and I believe that we can overcome all the power of the enemy.

However, believing and putting it into practice can be two different things. Lord, I am so weak and powerless myself, You know that full well. Sometimes I am drained and exhausted that I have a hard time fighting these battles, and I know You have to step in. You do. Show me what is within my control to ward off these battles.

As I somewhat slept late this morning, I had all of these vivid dreams…my sleep has been so weird lately. I think for once I am seeing the battlefield in which I am entering in letting the Holy Spirit move me in reaching this world for You. I see all of these lost souls in the background and I try so hard to get to them, but I have this horrendous devil screaming in my face, doing whatever he can to deter me. Lord, it wasn’t pretty and it was daunting…but that is a reality. This is what I will continue to encounter as I become more and more like You.

On a bit of a sidenote, I also remember Venice from this summer, O Lord, in what I think my closest encounter to a living Hell truly is. On the surface, Venice is a really interesting and neat place, lots of culture and a variety of people and some amazing artistic endeavors. But when we went there the first time, I truly saw it through Your eyes and saw a living Hell. I have never seen Satan have such a strong presence in one place and in so many people, and for the first time, I saw the devil in one lady. It was intense to say the least. That day I walked smack up to the front line of the spiritual battle, completely unprepared. Needless to say, I was chewed up and spit out, spiritually broken as a result of that day. I remember sitting on the beach and weeping at the sight before me and seeing how people were angry at the fact they were confronted with a God who loves them. Never before had my heart truly broken for the lost. But You taught me something crucial that day, O Lord. You taught me the necessity of being prepared for the battleground in which we walk. You reminded me of the necessity of prayer and Your word in fighting these battles.

And I felt You calling me to go back there before project was over. I really didn’t want to, but knew I needed to. For a few weeks I pondered this. On the day I was to go, I went back and forth between going and not. But Lord, I went and had a long quiet time with You, asking You to prepare me for going back there, and how You did! Your Word was so living and active in that. Isaiah 51 and 52 told me of how I was to not fear what mortal men could do to me for I am Yours, and for this world to wake up and come to You, among much else. It was such an incredible quiet time, O Lord. And so we went back to Venice and it was a night and day difference. I was prepared, and able to allow Your Holy Spirit to flow through me, revealing its power. I was on the front line of the battlefield once again, but this time, I was participating in fighting it. How amazing was that, O Lord, and what an example of the necessity of being prepared for battle.

In addition, the chosen path, seeking after You, is not the easiest one, but by far the most rewarding. For how would we understand the necessity of salvation if Hell weren’t real? How would we understand the brilliance of Your light without being captured by the darkness? How would we understand grace without seeing how filthy we are in our own sin? We wouldn’t without the duality that exists between You and Satan, with a battle to escape the darkness and remain in Your marvelous light.

And I find myself tonight in such earnest thanks to You O Lord. I thank You for making hell so real so I can begin to truly understand the wonderfulness of Your love and Kingdom! And Lord, though today has been such a hard day, I realize the need to remain persistent. To walk in the path You have laid out before me pretty much guarantees spiritual warfare, but I walk on that path to YOU, to seek out Your will, Word, and power. That’s where advancements for the Kingdom are made, when I count the consequences as loss and truly lift my eyes to You. My Dear Lord, You have overcome everything, must I fear anything? I also finally realize how I have been struggling to understand how much I have grown over this summer and year, and through this, I see now. I am changed, Dear Lord. I am no longer the same. I am a threat to the Devil, one much more than I ever have been before. I pray I will begin to consider these spiritual attacks as blessings, for they show me where I have been, where I am, and the gains made. But above all, let me always take hold of Your power!

Time

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to give away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace…He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end…I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him. Whatever is has already been, and what will be has been before, and God will call the past into account...I thought in my heart, God will bring to judgment both the righteous and the wicked, for there will be a time for every activity, a time for every deed.” Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 11, 14-15, 17.

I’ve been pondering time a lot lately, especially since You put it on my heart today. I was thinking about how fast summer project went by, when at the beginning it went so slow. I was thinking about the time I have left here in Hollywood before the time I go home. I was then thinking about the time at home and then the time going to school. I thought about what I would do in the time of today. And altogether, I realized I spend way too much time thinking about time…I only said that word eight times (now nine) in the last paragraph...can I say it’s a bit of an obsession of mine at times?

Ah Lord, it’s hard to break free from it. Lord I find it interesting that my concept of time is changing so much, as I give it up to You. The above passage from Ecclesiastes was one You used a lot over this summer, O Lord. The first thing that jumps out to me is in the first verse, saying that there is a time and season for everything under heaven. I believe this to mean time is ordained by You, by the Heavens. In all of this time, we cannot fathom all You have done, because You have set eternity in our hearts.

I think I am finding the more Your Holy Spirit is moving within and around me the faster time goes. That time can’t be measured accurately by a clock or a calendar, because You don’t fit within that system. And also, as this time of “silence” and intense focus only on You begins to change, I keep thinking, “oh gosh, I have to make sure I am finished” when in actuality, I need to remain in tune to Your Holy Spirit and how it’s moving. It will be done when it’s supposed to be done. Besides, is it ever truly finished? No, because on this earth, we will always be in the process of sanctification, of becoming like you! There will always be more to learn and do. I can’t keep putting myself on the timetable of this world. I am not of the world, so I shouldn’t define my time the way the world does.

Time is not measured by the ticking of a clock, the passing of a day, or by the weeks or years of a calendar. I believe time is measured through You, through Your Holy Spirit. There are times that Your Holy Spirit moves quickly and rapidly, such as it did this summer, and there are times it moves slower. Lord, You are sovereign, and that includes time! I must always look to You for everything.

Another aspect of time that I’ve been dealing with is my selfishness with my “own” time. When I have things I need to do or want to do, it’s very hard for me to deal with and accept any form of interruption. I’m focused, and at times too focused. I subconsciously resent people taking my time when I am busy. However, when it’s on my schedule, I have really no problem offering my time to them, and enjoy doing so. But how possessive I am of my own time, when in actuality, time is not mine! Nothing is, Dear Lord, everything is of You! I need to be willing to live a life of interruptions. I can’t be so rigid in my own schedule and things to do that I miss out on when Your Holy Spirit is moving because I make myself blind to it!

I found this yesterday with Jessica coming over. We agreed on around 1. I was thinking that this would be perfect because then we could hang out for a few hours and she could head home before traffic got too bad, and then I’d have the rest of the night to myself. Yet she ended up getting here around 3 o’clock. Around 2:30 or so I was about ready to forget the whole thing because it was too late. I became frustrated and agitated, when that was so dumb! Lord, You have placed her in my life so I can minister to her and lead her back to You. Yesterday was a blessing in the fact we were able to meet one on one away from school and enjoy the summertime. Yet, I viewed it as an inconvenience. How retarded is that?? That I would take one of Your blessings and put that spin on it? There’s a major change that needs to go on and is happening there. I found myself asking the question “is it really a big deal that she is late and will probably stay later?” The answer was no. Once I let go of my claim to time and allowed You to move through it, it was so much better. We spent 5 hours together yesterday, which was amazing and so wonderful. For the first time I really felt that I enjoyed her, because I viewed her through Your eyes and not my own and allowed You to dictate the time. Now that’s the way to receive a blessing.

As I head into the school year soon and things become busy, I can’t forget the importance of being available and living a life of interruptions. Lord, You are sovereign, and that is over all things, even small things such as me and the things I think I have to get done. When I come before You in Heaven, what will matter more-the fact that I was efficient and accomplished a lot, or the fact that I lived a life fully surrendered to You, allowing Your Holy Spirit to move me at whatever whim? I know it’s the latter. I also know that this is the life of fulfillment, because it comes from You. What a blessing it is to participate in Your Kingdom coming down. How trifle are the things I think I’m productive and efficient in.

Lord, I pray You will continue to teach me that time is ordained by You, and not by the world. I pray You will continue to break me of any claim I believe I have to it, when in fact, I have none! Break my rigid schedule and let me move on a whim…Lord, that’s going to be hard for me, but let me let You move me whenever and wherever You wish!

Shining Light

“Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord rises upon you. See, darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples, but the Lord rises upon you and his glory appears over you. Nations will come to your light and kings to the brightness of your dawn. Lift up your eyes and look about you: all assemble and come to you, your sons from afar, and your daughters are carried on the arm. Then you will look and be radiant, your heart will throb and swell with joy; the wealth on the seas will be brought to you, to you the riches of the nations will come.” Isaiah 60:1-5

Dear Lord, this passage has been speaking to me for quite some time and I’ve been coming back to it for various reasons and at different times, and I came back to it once again today. I went down to the market again this afternoon and the same guy who was captivated with me last time was working again. I really didn’t want to go, because I didn’t want to deal with the whole deal of him flirting and taking my friendly nature to be flirting. I find myself in this position a lot, and did this summer with one of my guy friends in particular. It’s as if I’m hesitant to be myself, the woman You have created me to be, because I don’t want to hurt someone or make them think the wrong thing.

And there’s times this summer, quite a lot, in which I would be shopping or at some kind of public place and I would genuinely smile at someone. They were baffled when I did such! The fact that I could be making such a gesture of friendship and love to a complete stranger was a foreign language to them in so many ways. It’s as if it was running through their heads, “what is this person doing? Does she really mean it? Why is she smiling at me?...” and so on.

It’s said that love is the universal language. Well Lord, if You are love, then You must be the universal language…and I think that’s pretty sweet. It all comes back to every person in the world being united in the same fact that we all need You, no matter what nation or tongue.

Yet I think at times, as Christians, we are intimidated by the language barrier. I remember going down to Chinatown for one of our outreaches. I went sharing with Derek, who is from China, and so he was able to speak a bit of Chinese with some people who spoke broken English. But Lord, the amazing thing that day was that the gospel was not communicated solely through words, but through love. It was communicated to them that we were willing to sit down with them and share our time with them, and tell them of something meaningful to us and to share it with them as well. There was light in those people’s eyes as a result of us being there and talking with them.

Obviously, I have my own communication barrier at times, especially with people with accents or English as their second language. This intimidated me at times while sharing this summer for I wondered how I would keep a conversation going if I couldn’t understand. But oh Lord, how much greater You are than that and how You overcome! That is nothing for me to worry about!

And there is nothing for me to worry about in communicating the gospel. I first and foremost show love. Love transcends all languages and all barriers; moreover, You transcend all languages and all barriers. In showing them the gospel, I show them You first.

As in the passage from Isaiah above states, I am to arise and shine, for my light has come. I believe it has, O Lord. As you mold me more and more like You, I find within myself this light and love that keeps bursting at the seams and I can’t hold it inside! I see others drawn to that in such a way that it is not me. It is You revealing Yourself to them through me. I am but a mere vessel, O Lord. And I must not be so prideful to think it is me and try to hold back because I don’t want to hurt people or whatever. It is You they see, let me shine that ablaze! Must I grieve You in not being who You have created me to be, a daughter of the light? No, not now, and not ever! There is thick darkness in the earth and over the peoples, and I must not hide Your light, because it is through that light people will come to You. It is that light that is You manifested in me and continue to shine brighter as time passes.

Lord, my heart swells with joy at this simple truth now realized in my life! Your spirit is working in infinite ways and I need to fully surrender to it. How selfish would I be to hold back any longer…let the smile that remains on my face as a result of Your goodness and the joy in my heart that overflows shine brightly before all men! It is You they are drawn to, because You are the only good thing in me. I have no claim to myself and the ways You choose to use me, and therefore, I fully, completely surrender!

Ohhhh God is so amazingly, so wonderfully, incredibly
GOOD!!
I'm in love with my Savior!

Glimpses of Gifts

For a long time I wondered what it would be like to see people through Your eyes, and pondered such over this last year. Dear Lord, You know how when I see some kind of mystery within someone that I desire to know what it is. I desire to know a person fully and completely, and get past all of the surface antics that seem to be so commonplace nowadays.

This time last year I was beginning to get a glimpse of something You have bestowed in me, which is an uncanny ability to read people very well. My friends in high school hated it at times when they would try to hide something from me but were unable to. Yet I was persistent in getting them to talk and be open and honest, and later found out that it made a difference in their lives. Some of my friends were going through some really tough things in high school, and at the end of high school they told me that it meant the world to them that I always knew what was going on and asked them about it, even when they didn’t want to talk. Others said they didn’t know what they would’ve done without me doing such. It was then I began to realize that You have gifted me in some way with people, O Lord.

Throughout this past school year, I experienced it again in a lot of different ways with different people. It was different because I knew them only in the context of college and the dorm, whereas my high school friends I knew a lot more about. Lord, You did a lot in me learning how to trust the Holy Spirit and the wisdom You bring through that, and then to act on it. It was different because with people I didn’t know as well, I doubted myself reading the Holy Spirit correctly. Yet over time, O Lord, You increased my confidence in heeding the Holy Spirit and acting upon it. It’s hard for me to say exactly which times because one, I don’t remember all of them, and two, it’s easy for me to think that it was me and not You. I need to have confidence in the way You move, and also have confidence in what You are doing.

I think there’s two encounters with Colin that outline Your gift the best. They happened closely to the same time. Colin and I went skydiving, and we had a talk the night before about our upcoming fears heading into the summer. The next day, the day we were to go skydiving, Colin was majorly attacked by Satan. Lord You allowed me to see this, and even before I went to pray for him after he asked me to. I saw the fear manifesting itself through skydiving, and how Satan was trying to take away even the skydiving in an attack to diminish all his confidence in facing any fear inside of him. You have given Colin such a warrior’s heart and there is great attack in that. His adventurous side was being greatly attacked by Satan and was about to prevent him from jumping because he felt sick. The whole time he talked to me I barely heard any words he said because I could see the war inside of him, stemming from what we talked about the day before. After praying about it and heeding Your spirit more, I went back and told him before we left that You were telling me to tell him to jump, that it was going to be a concrete example of facing all of his fears, to jump fully into them and allow You to conquer them. He told me he wasn’t afraid of jumping, and I knew that wasn’t it. However, Satan is a master deceiver and did so that day with Colin. After that whole day Colin told me that You used that conversation with him in a significant way. As a result of that Lord, I began to clearly see what it is that You are gifting me with.

Another time with Colin was just when we were in the study lounge and he was reading something on his computer, and I was across the room and knew exactly what it was and what he was doing before even approaching him. He couldn’t believe it, and frankly, I was surprised too. It was so instantaneous, a glimpse given by You. Things like that have happened with a lot of other people as well.

In addition, there’s been one or two times with John this summer in which You spoke clearly to me about his situation he was in at the time. Granted, You have woven us so closely and tightly together that it happens both ways and will continue to, but I was really struck by it one time in particular, at the beginning of project. John was venting his frustrations with being home and as he talked, You spoke to me, and You told me exactly what to tell him about walking blindly into the spirit and embracing the silence. It was amazing to see what You did with that, and also, more amazing, that it came at the beginning of project before all of the growth that has occurred.

Shelley as well, O Lord. Oh Lord, how You’ve blessed me with Shelley and how she is a mystery that will never completely been solved. But Lord, it was so beautiful to see what You did in our friendship over this past year because she was so guarded and so difficult to get to know. You spoke to me so many times about her and what it was that needed to be spoken and there’s so much more light in her now. We’re experiencing a friendship that wouldn’t have been experienced otherwise, without the wisdom of Your Holy Spirit that You gave to me about her.

And there’s so many more, O Lord, from this year. From this summer however, I found it remarkable of being able to speak utter truth to people that I barely knew or talked to over project. There were times I said exactly what they needed to hear without me trying to do that at all. That was Your Holy Spirit, O Lord, I know that full well. There were so many conversations with Kristin that You spoke through, and especially one time in encouraging her through what You gifted me to see. It’s hard to put all of it into words, because I don’t want to violate people’s trust, but You know all I am talking about.

I’m also receiving visions in some different forms. Lord, You know that dream You gave me the other night as project was ending and I was praying for my mom and dad before bed. Lord, I dreamed that my dad had fully awaken to You and realized that all that he has believed for so long was just a bunch of rubbish and that he had been so blind for so long. He told me “the veil is lifted, I don’t know why I didn’t see it all along!” He was passionate, fully on fire for You, and he and my mom were passionately seeking You out and worshipping You together. It was so incredibly beautiful, and so amazingly real. It took me about half of the day to realize it happened in my sleep and not during my waking hours. Such clarity is only done by You, and I think it was the second vision, the conclusion to the first one about my parents You gave me a while ago. How incredible that is, O Lord! It was one of the most beautiful things You have given me. And Lord, what’s amazing is I have full confidence You will fulfill that, because it was such a promise given by You! You are going to move when I am home, and will continue to!

You also know of Your promise You have foretold with my ears, O Lord, and the healing of such. That is something to happen in the future, but something You spoke to me before it is to happen, to tell me Your divine will in that. There’s so much more to say…

Lord, what is it that causes me to see so much within people and for people? It’s Your Holy Spirit, I know that full well. I’ve been hesitant to put a name to it for such a long time, but Lord, is this prophecy in the form with people? I’m looking at Webster’s dictionary and the definition for prophecy is: “The inspired utterance of a prophet, viewed as a declaration of divine will, such a revelation transmitted orally or in writing.” And prophesy is: “to reveal by divine inspiration, to reveal the will or message of God.”
That sounds like what it is, O Lord, and I believe it is what You are revealing and doing in me. And Lord, You know there’s so many cases of prophecy in the Bible, I mean, the Bible basically is prophecy and the fulfillment of it! I know it’s biblical! That’s a gift, O Lord, and one I must not take lightly. It’s been incredible to see what You have done as a result of that.

There’s a huge part with this I can’t neglect, and that is the necessity of prayer and staying in Your word. Satan is out to deceive and twist around truth, and I need to make sure I am always rooted in it. There is great power from You in this, and I need to make sure I handle it well. Another thing is that I need to use prayer in an effort to see more. I think there’s a lot I’m not tapping into yet that You are willing to show me and do.

I pray You will lead me by Your Holy Spirit in all of this. Dear Lord, with this I pray I will always let Your Holy Spirit lead me as to what and when to speak. I pray I will bring back all of these things to the Word. Let it always be for the purpose of Your will and glory. Continue to reveal to me what this gift is and what it needs to entail, O Lord. I’m not worthy of such a gift, but if this is one of the gifts You have given me to glorify You and build up the body, then let me do such! It’s fully You, my Dear Lord!

Lessons of the Palm

I remember my first day and night at the Palm Motel this summer. Before I got there, I didn’t think it would be too bad; after all, I had lived in a dorm for a year, right? Well, Lord, I was wrong. When we first drove in we were greeted by a large band of pigeons that I had never been acquainted with in such a small area before. There were cats everywhere and I saw that paint was largely covering a multitude of sins within the structure and condition of that building and its rooms. I got out of the car and was greeted by Mike Berk, who then told me about the pigeon coop, which was this owner’s retreat in the middle that had been taken over by the birds. At this point, O Lord, I was wondering what I had gotten myself into.

I remember our first drive to the church quite well. We passed a lot of areas that I hadn’t experienced in depth before. First there was the cemetery right across the street that was about 3 blocks long and wide. Next there was the highway, then a lot of warehouses, car dealerships, and gas stations, and then, finally, we started to enter what my definition of a “nice” neighborhood was. The church left me with a sigh of relief, for it was somewhat what I expected.

I remember unpacking that night and not wanting to walk around barefoot too much on the carpet because it was…questionable. Same goes for outside. I remember placing the plastic bags in which I packed things underneath my suitcases just for that extra “security” if you will. Spending the night with Amber in a very small bed the first night wasn’t easy.

Lord, it took me a while to adjust and be able to call the Palm “home.” As Mike said the first day we were there, the Palm was a place for people who are just above being homeless. It was humbling being there, but so good, O Lord. Through this summer, I learned that I really don’t need much in the area of basic comforts. We are so spoiled and privileged as an American society, especially the middle and upper class, that we forget what poverty is really like.

And for so long I never fully grasped the meaning or application of understanding that You are more than sufficient for my every need and desire. I have long since clung onto what I thought were my basic human “rights” and needs, but all of those are rubbish. What is it that truly makes me live, O Lord, that makes me wake and breathe and serve and praise? Only You, my Dear Lord, for I find without You I cease to live, that I am dead, living a life with no purpose or meaning. I don’t need people, I don’t need 300 thread count sheets, I don’t need a roof over my head, all, and I mean all I need is You. Why should I ever think I can claim rights to myself or the things I think I need, when above all, I have You, and I don’t even deserve that? If You are the provider of all things, I must worship You and leave my life and needs and wants in Your hands, and trust that You will provide me with what You wish.

How sweet is it to be broken of the reliance upon these worldly things on which we so often find ourselves possessing! How sweet is it to come to Your very feet and find it is You who satisfies and fulfills more than anything on this earth! How sweet it is to know and experience with You a life broken of these things that I so often relied on and to find a love more tempting and sweet and fulfilling, beyond anything I could’ve ever dreamed! O Lord, You fulfill my every desire and every need! You are sufficient and You are more, so much more, than enough.

Dear Lord, a lot comes with this that You have been developing for a while and something I find myself in now as well. You know what a transition it was for me to go from being in the dorms to the Palm in less than 24 hours, and now going from the Palm to Hollywood to home to SLO in about 6 weeks. Lord, I will never be able to put down “roots” that I am used to in one place ever again, I don’t believe. College will be a temporary place, but You have that call on me for missions which will come after that. But Lord, I am finding that my roots are not meant to be put in earthly dwellings, not even temporary ones. Not for a long time, and not for a short time either. I’ve been grasping this for a while, but I think for so long I have felt like a tree pulled up from the ground with roots bare, wondering where it is I am supposed to put my roots. See, like a tree, the roots are the source of its survival, where it is placed in the solid ground, able to take its water and nutrients in order to flourish. Lord, I’ve been wondering where it is that I am supposed to put these roots because I feel so bare without a solid ground.

I find myself so stunned at the fact that You are our solid ground, of which we place our roots into, and we find a flourishing life beyond anything we could imagine. You are the one who bears my roots, Dear Lord, You are my source of life and everything I could desire or need. No longer must I scurry about attempting to settle down or find a rooting place, because I am rooted. I am rooted in Your grace, Your redemption, Your truth, and Your love. That is all I need and that is something I will carry with me for the rest of my life, for all eternity!

Now what is it that I am to do in the coming future O Lord? I find myself longing to be home so much right now because it has been so long and there’s so much there for me. Lord, I have been experiencing a contentment in my surroundings and situation like I have never experienced before, not in this way. My spirit has been quieted and stilled. It’s incredible. Yet though I am content knowing I will be here for a week and a half, and am so excited for what You will do in that time, I can’t wait to be home.

But even my concept of home is changing and is so different. What is it that I should call home, O Lord? Should I call it the place where I was born and raised, Colorado Springs? That’s what I have been. Yet I think this is ignoring the eternal perspective and living in the temporal. When my life is over and passed or when You return, Colorado Springs will cease to be my home. Shouldn’t it cease to be my home now? Shouldn’t I fully embrace being a citizen of Heaven and know that that is my home above all else? If You are everything to me, shouldn’t I embrace Your dwelling place as where I should be? I believe I should.

If I am living for eternity…I should embrace this truth from 2 Peter 3:
Since everything will be destroyed in this way, what kind of people ought you to be? You ought to live holy and godly lives as you look forward to the day of God and speed its coming. That day will bring about the destruction of the heavens by fire, and the elements will melt in the heat. But in keeping with his promise we are looking forward to a new heaven and a new earth, the home of righteousness.

I should also embrace this truth spoken by Paul in Philippians 3: For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.

I think for so long I have allowed this world to define everything for me, even what my relationship with You should be like. How often do we go to other people and books and other things in an effort to be Holy, to be with You? Why don’t we go directly to You? If it is truly You we are seeking out and desire to get closer to, we should no longer attempt to get You by any other means, but instead come into Your presence and ask! You are the giver of all things, You are above all and in all! What would my walk with You be like if I sought You and Your word out only and above all else? It would be richer and more fulfilling than anything I could ever imagine! What would my life be like if I was fully surrendered to You and living for an audience of One; You alone? It would be one doing serious damage for the Kingdom of Heaven!

Lord, continue to change my heart in this! Let me take all that I have learned this summer and put it into practice with this theme of no longer having any rights to myself, and knowing You are the solid ground upon which I place my roots! Lord, I desire to be branded by You alone and when the world looks at me, I desire for everything I am to scream out to them, “I am the Lord’s, and there is no other!”

Serving Women

Part two of Santa Monica Summer Project Reflection
Dear Lord, I have for some time had the heart to raise up women of You, passionate and confident, bold and beautiful, and not afraid to proclaim the gospel. That has been my “ministry” in a lot of forms over these past couple of years, and going into this summer I wanted to see what You would do with it. I declined being a bible study leader this year because I didn’t want to do what I have always done; rather I wished You to lead me in what it was You desired me to do.

In high school I was so close with a ton of girls. I had many many more close girl friends than guy friends. These girls were awesome, because they were so open and vulnerable, and even those that weren’t, became so. I loved how almost every conversation was of the heart and meaningful, for You know that is the conversation I love. I suck at small talk, You know that full well. It was such a blessing to encourage so many in high school and have them encourage me. There was a surplus of edifying friendships You blessed me with.

Yet, coming out to California, I found the girls much different, with exceptions of course…in a way I was unable to figure out for a while. I now know that girls here are much more guarded and it’s hard for them to be real. Perhaps it’s the California culture; I am rather confident it is in a lot of cases after spending a summer in Santa Monica. Goodness how people are turned off by any attempt at being real or honest, it’s incredible! But anyways, I found it very difficult to form the meaningful friendships with girls that I was used to at home, and after a while, I stopped trying really hard. You definitely brought some key girls into my life that have been amazing, such as Elise, Amy, Shelley, Jess, Kirsten, Mina, Jess, and more. I praise You for those friendships.

Looking back at the school year and especially with being in the dorms, I think I missed a lot of opportunities to really get to know the girls. I’m not sure what those opportunities were though. Lord, I think that I neglected to seek You out with those girls and allow You to reveal the best way to get to know them. I tried to do it on my own efforts and was stumped so often, but You are the giver of knowledge. Why didn’t I go to You and ask You to reveal how to reach them and befriend them? That is what I missed last year. I should’ve been relying on Your Holy Spirit in that so much more. At the same time I do realize that I am not supposed to reach every girl; that is why we are the body of Christ. Yet I need to seek You out in who it is I am supposed to minister to and allow You to move me in that. This is yet another example of how key prayer is in everything, O Lord! I must not neglect that!

Last year You blessed me so much with deep friendships with guys that I had never really had before. Of course there was the leadership team for FCA in high school, but our friendship was mainly based on FCA. Yet living with my brothers in Christ allowed for a deeper, stronger bond. The conversations and good times I had over the year and this summer were incredible. Whether it be Colin, John, Kyle, JR, Chase, Paul, Ben, and more, You did so much through so many of these conversations and fellowship. I thoroughly enjoy talking to my brothers because of the way they think. I finally understand why though Lord. You have made me much more rational and logical than most girls tend to be. I view things objectively and I rarely allow my emotions to sway what I think, because I know feelings can be deceiving. I love to think through things and I love to think deeply and philosophically, which one doesn’t often find with girls, at least not in the same way. Girls tend to operate off the heart first and then logic second. I know I can do this so often and so that is why I am very quick to make sure I am being rational. I’ve seen so many girls get hurt because they jump into things because of their feelings instead of thinking it through first and praying about it. I hate seeing this, and I have learned from them. In addition, guys are usually so much easier to read and are much more real upfront. I hate games, Lord. Why should we deceive each other? Why can’t people be upfront with each other? This is part of the reason why I love hanging out with guys and talking with them, and there are many others. The guys are amazing, and true blessings.

But You convicted me through a letter Paul wrote me at the end of project to encourage me. Paul talked of the wisdom beyond my years You have given me, and encouraged me to pursue women more. He spoke of 2 Corinthians one in which it states those You comfort can comfort others, and he said that I have been comforted, which is so true. Lord, how this spoke to my heart! I realized that I am hesitant to dive into girls lives at times because it is harder…harder to develop and maintain that relationship. I realized the things about my brothers that I stated earlier. Yet I am realizing a lot. You didn’t create me as a woman by chance, and You didn’t just happen to give me the gifts I have. They were intentional, created for Your purposes and glory! Must I continue to neglect them? The answer is no. The things that are the hardest often bring the most reward. You gave me glimpses of that this summer and reminded me of how important it is to dive into my sisters lives, because I have been comforted. How wonderful are the works You have done in my life, O Lord, and how I can spur them on to the same thing! How my love for You can overflow to them and only bring them closer to You! I saw this with my bible study this summer and it was amazing, O Lord. It comes back to being willing to be vulnerable and to take that step. If I’ve learned one thing with women lately, it’s that I usually have to be the initiator of those friendships, and be the one asking them to talk or do things. Elise is a wonderful exception, O Lord, it’s been such a blessing to have her seek me out, thank You!

O Lord, all of this comes back to my desire to raise up passionate women of You…I see where I have neglected things and where I need to focus for the future. I am so excited to be able to pour into their lives and enrich them. Lord, if I can bless them and lead them closer to You, that would be incredible and fully to Your glory! You have created me in this way, let me fully pursue it!

In another note tied with this somewhat, You have taught me this summer how much I love to lead. I love to lead because I am operating out of the gifts You have given me. But Lord, I found another interesting twist with that this summer. I found that I love helping others to lead. I thank You so much for allowing me to help my sisters with women’s time and the banquets because I found I love being behind the scenes and using the wisdom You have given me in order to lift them up and allow them to lead. It’s so amazing to see them embrace their own gifts and use those for Your glory! I love it so much!

With all of this, I am finding within me a heart for discipleship…which is walking alongside women and leading them into a deeper, richer, fuller relationship with You, and then preparing them to be sent out, to lead and embrace the gifts You have so willingly bestowed upon them! Lord, that they would have no fear and find their identity completely in You is a cry of my heart. Lord, that they would find their full worth in You and know that they are a treasure in Your eyes! Lord that they would no longer listen to the lies of this world that bring them down, but hold fast to Your truth and Your Word, and know that it is a double-edged sword! Lord, that they would no longer attempt to find satisfaction in relationships but realize You are the only One who truly satisfies! Lord, that they would be content in what You are doing and not attempt to rush things and know that Your timing is perfect! Lord, that they would no longer worry or analyze but always come back to the fact that You are good and You are sovereign! I pray they will realize these truths, and Lord, if You are willing, use me as a messenger of these truths. Let me show them the God I know, and how You are better than life itself! I am willing, Dear Lord. Send me.

Vulnerability

It’s rather interesting that the first thing God brings me to write about in reflecting over this summer is about vulnerability. After reading this it will probably make more sense to you as to why this is. I feel led to post my journal entries about all of these reflections…perhaps in an effort to be vulnerable with you all and allow God to move through it, as such has been a theme of this summer. So here’s the first of several blogs…I pray God will use these in some way.

Over this summer You have taught me so much about vulnerability, Dear Lord. I think of this stick my cousin and I were peeling the bark off of to reveal its colors underneath, and am reminded of the process that You have brought me through this summer. Like the branch, the exterior was cracking in its beginnings to show its true beauty, with all the weathered and worn parts broken off and cast aside. I think that at the beginning of this summer I was this branch that was beginning to crack, and now so many of the pieces are discarded, leaving me bare and showing the true beauty You have created in me.

Lord, I always thought I was rather vulnerable and honest. However, as You taught me, I found myself to be honest and vulnerable only in the things I was comfortable in doing so. I wasn’t practicing the true meaning of honesty. You prepared me with a lot of different things going into project, in which I was beginning to find the true meaning of it. I think that often times I was dishonest with myself and You in trying to not acknowledge things or to push them aside. Lord, how I must confront these things and bring them to Your feet!

It comes back to me, for a long time, feeling that I have to be the strong one. It is something I still struggle with at times, but I am finding that Your strength is far greater than mine and the true thing on which I rely. After all that happened my junior year of high school, with my brother and my family with him and his girlfriend being pregnant and me having to hold the family together because I was the sole one who had the hope of You, I have long since struggled with feeling the need to be strong. I was the glue in the family at that time, and have since then, been viewed as much more of an equal with my parents, rather than their daughter. There were so many times that they were about to lose it all because they had been stretched to their breaking point, and some times, past it. Because I had the hope of You, I felt the responsibility to “keep the family together.” During that time, I kept so much hidden inside because I didn’t feel I could be weak, and I have since then, had the susceptibility to continue to do so. I find it easy to talk about the things that are going well rather than the things that aren’t.

Yet Lord, You broke me of this this summer. Steadily but surely You gave me opportunities for complete honesty, in particular, with my bible study. How much of a blessing they were, Dear Lord! To tell them my full testimony from the very beginning and start off the entire project with full honesty was incredible. However, I felt my flesh so resistant to doing such. The subconscious question ran through my mind “what will happen if you tell them, if you let down your guard, if you show a sign that you are not as strong as you appear?” Looking back I now realize that it was Satan keeping me from fully giving You all the glory and relying on You alone. What lies those are, O Lord!

Vulnerability comes with a risk. It comes with a risk that others may reject or not accept me for who I am. Do I really care about that, O Lord? I find myself finally answering that question with a resounding NO! I am who I am in You, and that is more than enough. Any mark or brand this world puts on me is one that will never stick, because I am Your bondservant, all of my days. Who cares if I’m viewed as not being strong? The fact is that I am not, You are my strength alone! Praise be to You that Your strength is far, far greater than my own!

Then came some of the practical application, O Lord. In praying and listening for Your Holy Spirit to guide me, I was able to share all that You’ve done with John and me with my bible study, and that was incredible. In doing that, You called me to be extremely vulnerable about my past and all that entails, because it is the renewal and restoration of the past that makes a significant part of what You’ve done with me and John reveal Your glory. I laid it all out before them, O Lord, and how You moved…so beautifully. How Your Holy Spirit spoke through me in communicating how important it is to wait, and let things be completely of You. We must not take those matters or any matters into our own hands. The question remains with every person, in particular with my bible study, “can we trust You with every detail of our lives, even the ones that mean the most and our deepest desires, and trust that You will fulfill those in a way far better than we ever could?” Lord, through that night I believe they are much more closer to answering “yes” to that previous question. Praise be to You. That night was only the beginning of many nights and talks of vulnerability, all of which became easier because it was You working through it, not me.

With John You’ve also called me to be more vulnerable with him, which hasn’t been the easiest thing. But Lord, through that, You are revealing so much beauty and so much grace. I praise You for him and how You are revealing Yourself so much through him. I thank You for stripping away my layers with him and revealing to both him and me the beauty You have created in me, O Lord. I praise You for him accepting me just as I am, as the sinner yet the redeemed because of Your grace. I pray we will continue down that path, as hard as it may be.

There are many other examples, but those are the two key ones that stick out in my mind. Dear Lord, as I reflect upon these I realize that in not being vulnerable and honest about what You are doing and who I am in You, I am holding back glory that is due to You! May I never again grieve You in that way, my dear dear Lord! May I always be real and submissive to when Your Holy Spirit is moving me to speak and act in these acts of honesty and vulnerability, and may I never again possess any claim to myself!