Vulnerability

It’s rather interesting that the first thing God brings me to write about in reflecting over this summer is about vulnerability. After reading this it will probably make more sense to you as to why this is. I feel led to post my journal entries about all of these reflections…perhaps in an effort to be vulnerable with you all and allow God to move through it, as such has been a theme of this summer. So here’s the first of several blogs…I pray God will use these in some way.

Over this summer You have taught me so much about vulnerability, Dear Lord. I think of this stick my cousin and I were peeling the bark off of to reveal its colors underneath, and am reminded of the process that You have brought me through this summer. Like the branch, the exterior was cracking in its beginnings to show its true beauty, with all the weathered and worn parts broken off and cast aside. I think that at the beginning of this summer I was this branch that was beginning to crack, and now so many of the pieces are discarded, leaving me bare and showing the true beauty You have created in me.

Lord, I always thought I was rather vulnerable and honest. However, as You taught me, I found myself to be honest and vulnerable only in the things I was comfortable in doing so. I wasn’t practicing the true meaning of honesty. You prepared me with a lot of different things going into project, in which I was beginning to find the true meaning of it. I think that often times I was dishonest with myself and You in trying to not acknowledge things or to push them aside. Lord, how I must confront these things and bring them to Your feet!

It comes back to me, for a long time, feeling that I have to be the strong one. It is something I still struggle with at times, but I am finding that Your strength is far greater than mine and the true thing on which I rely. After all that happened my junior year of high school, with my brother and my family with him and his girlfriend being pregnant and me having to hold the family together because I was the sole one who had the hope of You, I have long since struggled with feeling the need to be strong. I was the glue in the family at that time, and have since then, been viewed as much more of an equal with my parents, rather than their daughter. There were so many times that they were about to lose it all because they had been stretched to their breaking point, and some times, past it. Because I had the hope of You, I felt the responsibility to “keep the family together.” During that time, I kept so much hidden inside because I didn’t feel I could be weak, and I have since then, had the susceptibility to continue to do so. I find it easy to talk about the things that are going well rather than the things that aren’t.

Yet Lord, You broke me of this this summer. Steadily but surely You gave me opportunities for complete honesty, in particular, with my bible study. How much of a blessing they were, Dear Lord! To tell them my full testimony from the very beginning and start off the entire project with full honesty was incredible. However, I felt my flesh so resistant to doing such. The subconscious question ran through my mind “what will happen if you tell them, if you let down your guard, if you show a sign that you are not as strong as you appear?” Looking back I now realize that it was Satan keeping me from fully giving You all the glory and relying on You alone. What lies those are, O Lord!

Vulnerability comes with a risk. It comes with a risk that others may reject or not accept me for who I am. Do I really care about that, O Lord? I find myself finally answering that question with a resounding NO! I am who I am in You, and that is more than enough. Any mark or brand this world puts on me is one that will never stick, because I am Your bondservant, all of my days. Who cares if I’m viewed as not being strong? The fact is that I am not, You are my strength alone! Praise be to You that Your strength is far, far greater than my own!

Then came some of the practical application, O Lord. In praying and listening for Your Holy Spirit to guide me, I was able to share all that You’ve done with John and me with my bible study, and that was incredible. In doing that, You called me to be extremely vulnerable about my past and all that entails, because it is the renewal and restoration of the past that makes a significant part of what You’ve done with me and John reveal Your glory. I laid it all out before them, O Lord, and how You moved…so beautifully. How Your Holy Spirit spoke through me in communicating how important it is to wait, and let things be completely of You. We must not take those matters or any matters into our own hands. The question remains with every person, in particular with my bible study, “can we trust You with every detail of our lives, even the ones that mean the most and our deepest desires, and trust that You will fulfill those in a way far better than we ever could?” Lord, through that night I believe they are much more closer to answering “yes” to that previous question. Praise be to You. That night was only the beginning of many nights and talks of vulnerability, all of which became easier because it was You working through it, not me.

With John You’ve also called me to be more vulnerable with him, which hasn’t been the easiest thing. But Lord, through that, You are revealing so much beauty and so much grace. I praise You for him and how You are revealing Yourself so much through him. I thank You for stripping away my layers with him and revealing to both him and me the beauty You have created in me, O Lord. I praise You for him accepting me just as I am, as the sinner yet the redeemed because of Your grace. I pray we will continue down that path, as hard as it may be.

There are many other examples, but those are the two key ones that stick out in my mind. Dear Lord, as I reflect upon these I realize that in not being vulnerable and honest about what You are doing and who I am in You, I am holding back glory that is due to You! May I never again grieve You in that way, my dear dear Lord! May I always be real and submissive to when Your Holy Spirit is moving me to speak and act in these acts of honesty and vulnerability, and may I never again possess any claim to myself!