Dear Lord, I have for some time had the heart to raise up women of You, passionate and confident, bold and beautiful, and not afraid to proclaim the gospel. That has been my “ministry” in a lot of forms over these past couple of years, and going into this summer I wanted to see what You would do with it. I declined being a bible study leader this year because I didn’t want to do what I have always done; rather I wished You to lead me in what it was You desired me to do. In high school I was so close with a ton of girls. I had many many more close girl friends than guy friends. These girls were awesome, because they were so open and vulnerable, and even those that weren’t, became so. I loved how almost every conversation was of the heart and meaningful, for You know that is the conversation I love. I suck at small talk, You know that full well. It was such a blessing to encourage so many in high school and have them encourage me. There was a surplus of edifying friendships You blessed me with.
Yet, coming out to California, I found the girls much different, with exceptions of course…in a way I was unable to figure out for a while. I now know that girls here are much more guarded and it’s hard for them to be real. Perhaps it’s the California culture; I am rather confident it is in a lot of cases after spending a summer in Santa Monica. Goodness how people are turned off by any attempt at being real or honest, it’s incredible! But anyways, I found it very difficult to form the meaningful friendships with girls that I was used to at home, and after a while, I stopped trying really hard. You definitely brought some key girls into my life that have been amazing, such as Elise, Amy, Shelley, Jess, Kirsten, Mina, Jess, and more. I praise You for those friendships.
Looking back at the school year and especially with being in the dorms, I think I missed a lot of opportunities to really get to know the girls. I’m not sure what those opportunities were though. Lord, I think that I neglected to seek You out with those girls and allow You to reveal the best way to get to know them. I tried to do it on my own efforts and was stumped so often, but You are the giver of knowledge. Why didn’t I go to You and ask You to reveal how to reach them and befriend them? That is what I missed last year. I should’ve been relying on Your Holy Spirit in that so much more. At the same time I do realize that I am not supposed to reach every girl; that is why we are the body of Christ. Yet I need to seek You out in who it is I am supposed to minister to and allow You to move me in that. This is yet another example of how key prayer is in everything, O Lord! I must not neglect that!
Last year You blessed me so much with deep friendships with guys that I had never really had before. Of course there was the leadership team for FCA in high school, but our friendship was mainly based on FCA. Yet living with my brothers in Christ allowed for a deeper, stronger bond. The conversations and good times I had over the year and this summer were incredible. Whether it be Colin, John, Kyle, JR, Chase, Paul, Ben, and more, You did so much through so many of these conversations and fellowship. I thoroughly enjoy talking to my brothers because of the way they think. I finally understand why though Lord. You have made me much more rational and logical than most girls tend to be. I view things objectively and I rarely allow my emotions to sway what I think, because I know feelings can be deceiving. I love to think through things and I love to think deeply and philosophically, which one doesn’t often find with girls, at least not in the same way. Girls tend to operate off the heart first and then logic second. I know I can do this so often and so that is why I am very quick to make sure I am being rational. I’ve seen so many girls get hurt because they jump into things because of their feelings instead of thinking it through first and praying about it. I hate seeing this, and I have learned from them. In addition, guys are usually so much easier to read and are much more real upfront. I hate games, Lord. Why should we deceive each other? Why can’t people be upfront with each other? This is part of the reason why I love hanging out with guys and talking with them, and there are many others. The guys are amazing, and true blessings.
But You convicted me through a letter Paul wrote me at the end of project to encourage me. Paul talked of the wisdom beyond my years You have given me, and encouraged me to pursue women more. He spoke of 2 Corinthians one in which it states those You comfort can comfort others, and he said that I have been comforted, which is so true. Lord, how this spoke to my heart! I realized that I am hesitant to dive into girls lives at times because it is harder…harder to develop and maintain that relationship. I realized the things about my brothers that I stated earlier. Yet I am realizing a lot. You didn’t create me as a woman by chance, and You didn’t just happen to give me the gifts I have. They were intentional, created for Your purposes and glory! Must I continue to neglect them? The answer is no. The things that are the hardest often bring the most reward. You gave me glimpses of that this summer and reminded me of how important it is to dive into my sisters lives, because I have been comforted. How wonderful are the works You have done in my life, O Lord, and how I can spur them on to the same thing! How my love for You can overflow to them and only bring them closer to You! I saw this with my bible study this summer and it was amazing, O Lord. It comes back to being willing to be vulnerable and to take that step. If I’ve learned one thing with women lately, it’s that I usually have to be the initiator of those friendships, and be the one asking them to talk or do things. Elise is a wonderful exception, O Lord, it’s been such a blessing to have her seek me out, thank You!
O Lord, all of this comes back to my desire to raise up passionate women of You…I see where I have neglected things and where I need to focus for the future. I am so excited to be able to pour into their lives and enrich them. Lord, if I can bless them and lead them closer to You, that would be incredible and fully to Your glory! You have created me in this way, let me fully pursue it!
In another note tied with this somewhat, You have taught me this summer how much I love to lead. I love to lead because I am operating out of the gifts You have given me. But Lord, I found another interesting twist with that this summer. I found that I love helping others to lead. I thank You so much for allowing me to help my sisters with women’s time and the banquets because I found I love being behind the scenes and using the wisdom You have given me in order to lift them up and allow them to lead. It’s so amazing to see them embrace their own gifts and use those for Your glory! I love it so much!
With all of this, I am finding within me a heart for discipleship…which is walking alongside women and leading them into a deeper, richer, fuller relationship with You, and then preparing them to be sent out, to lead and embrace the gifts You have so willingly bestowed upon them! Lord, that they would have no fear and find their identity completely in You is a cry of my heart. Lord, that they would find their full worth in You and know that they are a treasure in Your eyes! Lord that they would no longer listen to the lies of this world that bring them down, but hold fast to Your truth and Your Word, and know that it is a double-edged sword! Lord, that they would no longer attempt to find satisfaction in relationships but realize You are the only One who truly satisfies! Lord, that they would be content in what You are doing and not attempt to rush things and know that Your timing is perfect! Lord, that they would no longer worry or analyze but always come back to the fact that You are good and You are sovereign! I pray they will realize these truths, and Lord, if You are willing, use me as a messenger of these truths. Let me show them the God I know, and how You are better than life itself! I am willing, Dear Lord. Send me.
2 comments:
I don't know if you realize this or not but your words are changing, taking on a deeper oneness with He who is the only one worthy of words and your spirit is in closer communion than I have ever seen it. It is beautiful. To see all that God has done and to know this is only the begining of what His spirit will reveal to you over the upcoming days and weeks.
I long so desperatley like you to just sit in unceasing praise for what God has transformed. It is not the time yet, but I am so excited to see what God has to reveal to both of us as we continue to take each day as it comes not focusing on tommorow but praising God for who He is today. As always you are in my prayers, and I look forward to seeing what God reveals to you tommorow.
JG
I have the same heart as you do for women except for men. I love encouraging them and helping them discover their gifts and esp. that of leadership. I know that is what I am called to do and so that is why I am a bible study leader this year. Perhaps there is another place for you outside of cruade bible study leadership, but it sounds to me like you want to pursue discipleship and that is exactly what crusade groups are about! However only you know what you need to do and where you need to be.
Yup you definitely are a lot more rational than most women. I tend to have more feelings than most men, and I suppose that is how we connected in a lot of ways and blessed our friendship. God used that so much this year in my life. He showed me a lot about women through you that I would never have understood otherwise. I praise God for that, and this whole thing with Bethany is doing really well largely because of your prayers and support and spending time with you. Thank You.
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