Pursuer of my heart
Passionate You are
Love and grace fully abound
Your whispers a sweet, sweet sound
Astounded by Your mercy I finally see
This great love that has set me free
Chorus
And I weep tears of sweetness
Caressing the curves of the face You made
And I sing with joyful gladness
Praise reverberating in the voice You made
And I dance in jubilation
Standing on the feet You made
As I look into the mirror and see Your face
See the beauty in me You’ve made
I know never again will I be the same
To worship You, glory to whom is due
All I am given back to You
A ransomed heart, turned in for reward
Here am I, a servant fully Yours
Astounded by Your glory I finally see
This great power that has set me free
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Urgency
For those of you who've read Blue Like Jazz, you'll have an idea of what I'm talking about, and what you see in the above picture. Yesterday for our weekly outreach we set up two of these "confessionals" on either side of the Santa Monica Pier. This isn't your normal confessional in which we beckon people to come and confess their sins to us. Instead, it is us confessing our sins to them, apologizing for how we've misrepresented God and His love and the hurt and damage the church has caused in people's lives, etc. I went in extremely enthusiastic for this, because after reading about this in Blue Like Jazz, I really wanted to do one too. I was one of the ones that volunteered to "confess" to people. Yet as I and about seven others remained under the sign while the rest went out to the beach to talk to people about this and stir up conversation, God spoke to my heart greatly. I think in the two hours we were out there, we probably had 1000 people pass by our booth and only 5 come up out of their own interest in what was going on. As people saw the sign, they turned the other way and walked away. Either they were turned off or feared or were uncomfortable with such a sign existing. The striking thing was that people didn't seem to care. As we talked to people, it didn't matter to them that there was a confessional on the beach, it was taken with a "so what?" attitude. We did have two people come to Christ, praise God! But how many more could've come?
Oh that the world would open their eyes and hearts to the God who pursues them, that He is a loving, passionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love! O that the world would be plucked out of their complacent nature, comfortable with their status and ignorance to the truth! O that they would desire One so greater than anything they have, anything they see, and anything they are! O that they would come to know that this God, my God, is the God who created the universe and created them to know Him personally! O that they would realize their fallen nature and how they can't attain salvation on their own, that it doesn't come by good works or just pure faith in God! This is the world that God saw and sees and sent His son to die for, because so mired is this world in their ignorance and complacency, that they have turned away from their first love, the ultimate provider and source of life. O that the Cross and Resurrection and the Gospel be a laser beam to their heart, piercing through all pride and injustice suffered and wealth and poverty and all! Let them come to know Christ who for them conquered the grave so we may know the Father! And let them never turn away ever again!
O that my brothers and sisters would fully realize the God we serve and how much greater His power is than anything we can attain by our own strength! O that we would realize that He is our source, salvation, and strength, and all things come from Him! O that no longer would we allow the world and Satan to discourage us, but that we would press fully on to know the Christ who makes us like Him through the Cross and Resurrection! O that we would no longer remain complacent with where we are at, secure in our surroundings and friends and family, but that we would come to hate these things because they keep us from knowing the One who loved us first! O that out of this hate we would turn to God fully and surrender all to find His love that will overflow and be reborn in purity that we can love those around us as God intended us to! O that this body would unite, rise up as believers, take hold of power, trust in the Holy Spirit to move, and life a life of reckless abandon to see the glory of God fulfilled in ways we could never imagine!!!
And O, that I would press on, fully onward to what God has called me to and to take hold of all that He's placing within me to be solely used for His glory! O that I would continue to be so lost and captured by the One who loved me first and more than anything! O that I would truly count all things loss for knowing Him and becoming like Him! O that this faith that I have that God will move, will be used in ways to spur my brothers and sisters, and that God will place me in those positions of leadership as He wishes me to be! O that nothing, nothing, nothing, will ever hold me back from knowing Christ Jesus, my Lord!
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Murals and Musings from Malibu
I drove up to Malibu tonight on my "date with Jesus" and it was amazing. It's difficult to describe what God does within me when I get in my car, blast the worship music, and just drive to His beauty. Especially during those times He calls me to the depths and I can't help but fall in. I found this secluded ocean spot, completely natural and untainted, and I just watched and listened to the waves roll in for several minutes, and found myself welling up with praise. I opened my mouth and let those words flow out but I found I couldn't hear myself often over the roar of the 14 foot waves tonight, and how this made me praise ever more that my words are so mediocre compared to His infinite glory and love! The ocean was stirred up tonight, while still remaining peaceful. Such is what is to come, this stirring that is beginning and remaining peaceful at the same time. God is so good, so infinitely good, and all I can do is sit in His presence and praise Him evermore!
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Desire His Heart
When I am faithless, He is faithful
God has called me to a life of radical, anti-cultural, selfless service to Him!
Much to say as usual, but I will "not be quick with my mouth or hasty in my heart to utter anything before God. God is in Heaven and I am on earth, so I will let my words be few" (Ecclesiastes 5:2). Let me just say it's incredible when all I find myself depending on is God and knowing He is all I need and experiencing all He has to give and knowing He is more than enough. I'm doing so good, and it's only because of Him. "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances, for I can do everything through Him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:11, 13).
That You, O Lord, desire our hearts
Despite its unending tendency to place its trust in another
That You, O Lord, desire our hearts
Despite its corrupt habit in failing to worship You
That You, O Lord, desire our hearts
Despite its certainty to be broken by this world
That You, O Lord, desire our hearts
Despite our sinful condition and fallen nature
That You O Lord, desire our hearts
To be reborn in purity and holiness
That You, O Lord, desire our hearts
To showcase Your perfect love
That You, O Lord, desire our hearts
That we may be One with you, God of Heaven above
So we, O Lord, desire Your heart
And we fall on our knees to worship You evermore
God has called me to a life of radical, anti-cultural, selfless service to Him!
Much to say as usual, but I will "not be quick with my mouth or hasty in my heart to utter anything before God. God is in Heaven and I am on earth, so I will let my words be few" (Ecclesiastes 5:2). Let me just say it's incredible when all I find myself depending on is God and knowing He is all I need and experiencing all He has to give and knowing He is more than enough. I'm doing so good, and it's only because of Him. "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances, for I can do everything through Him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:11, 13).
That You, O Lord, desire our hearts
Despite its unending tendency to place its trust in another
That You, O Lord, desire our hearts
Despite its corrupt habit in failing to worship You
That You, O Lord, desire our hearts
Despite its certainty to be broken by this world
That You, O Lord, desire our hearts
Despite our sinful condition and fallen nature
That You O Lord, desire our hearts
To be reborn in purity and holiness
That You, O Lord, desire our hearts
To showcase Your perfect love
That You, O Lord, desire our hearts
That we may be One with you, God of Heaven above
So we, O Lord, desire Your heart
And we fall on our knees to worship You evermore
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Floods
I've been wanting to write for a couple of days now but have been unable to articulate what I want to say. It's been a whirlwind of a week, and the first week of Santa Monica is over. This week has brought so many different things and thoughts and emotions that it's been hard to sort it all out at times.
I have been seeing and experiencing God pursuing me passionately this week in an intensity I haven't experienced much before. It's a bit overwhelming, but an overwhelmed that draws me closer to Him, which is where I need to be. How He loves me and spurs me on to maturity in Him. In this week I have been able to see the leaps and bounds I made in my walk with him over the school year, but also knowing and seeing I have infinitely farther to go. It's still really sweet though; to look back on where you were and where you are now, and to see what God has done in that time, and to know that this growth is a process, each bringing trials but with that, blessing.
And with that, God's been revealing to me that this summer is, in a lot of ways, going to be a trial for me. Some ways I know and others I don't. I've had to do a heart evaluation in a sense because throughout my life, I've had so many trials but in those, I've praised God because I know it is those trials that make me stronger. Yet, this trial has been a bit harder to approach, perhaps because I know that it is to be one. It's to be an accelerated time of growth, as I am immersed in God's presence with the things I am doing and the people I am around. It's edifying beyond belief. But, because this summer is a critical time for me and others in so many ways, God is going to teach me things and stretch me in order to do so, and it is my responsibility to make sure I am willing to learn and have a teachable heart. He's reminded me of the fact that in order to have a teachable heart, we must humble ourselves before Him. Not always an easy thing to do, but always worth it.
On another note, my parents have to put my dog to sleep because he's bitten one too many people. Only one was bad, but still...it can't keep happening. It was hard for me because I am the only one who knows how to fully control him and these things don't happen when I am around. Yet, I am not around anymore, for I am in CA and at school. Though this brings sadness, I find myself receiving so much peace from God in it all. Ecclesiastes 3:1-2 states "for everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die." I find myself remembering my testimony and the years I spent with Flash, and how at times he was the only thing keeping me going. I would come home from school and just bury my face in his neck and cry, and he always knew to lick away my tears, for he could always tell when something was wrong with me. Before I came to know Christ, he was the one whom I could depend on, even when all else failed. His silence was so often what I needed, for with his gaze I knew that he loved me even when it felt like no one else did.
Flash was the dog of my childhood, of my youth. I have so many treasured memories with him and I know that those will all carry on, but as my youth is passing, so must things of my youth. There are so many seasons in which we go through, all bearing different things. When we go to another, there are things that must die and others that must be born. As I become an adult living in the "adult" world, I know I can no longer cling to my childhood. I can take the memories I have of that time, but I must run onward to maturity. And though it is bittersweet and I will miss my dog greatly, I rest contently in the fact that this time of my childhood is past.
And how interesting that is to embrace, that my childhood has passed. It's difficult to put into words, but it's as this picture I took a couple of weeks ago, of a bird spreading its wings in flight as it leaves the security of the branches it clung to. God's telling me it's time to fly. New horizons must be explored, outside of the comforts and security of my home, my parents, best friends, but solely on faith in Him, nothing else. For why do we attempt to find other things to fulfill our need for security and comfort when we know He is provider of all? Such is a lesson of mine this summer.
I'm the cook of this summer project, and my first two meals went off without much trouble at all...and then when it was time to clean up and we were doing so, the kitchen flooded, both nights. We would be washing dishes for 15 min or so, and all would be fine, and then all of a sudden, water would come flowing up from the 5 floor drains, leaving prob at least a half an inch of water on the floor. It's been puzzling me a bit, but as all things do, God will speak to you through it if you listen. And such is the case with this.
I was reading Habakkuk 2:14, and it states "the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the glory of the Lord, as the waters cover the sea." After researching and thinking about this a bit, I realize what God was teaching me through this. We can't be so consumed with our work and the things we do, in an attempt to "cleanse," that we don't notice the rising waters. I think so often people in this world, Christians included, attempt to do better, look better, and feel better, in an attempt to cleanse ourselves of our sin. It doesn't work that way. If it did, we wouldn't need a Savior and the death of Christ on the cross would've been no different than the others crucified in that time. God will wipe away our pride and make himself known, and will do so in a way that will get our attention, such as the rising waters, so that we must stop our acts of cleansing and attend to the flood, only to find out we can't do anything. His glory will be shown, and the best thing we can do is quit our acts of cleansing and allow the flood to come of His glory. We can't stop the flood of His glory! Let us not try to, and let us not try to pretend that we can do anything equivalent to it.
The question was asked of me the other day how I was doing. I responded that it was a hard question to answer, for throughout this week, there's been many different answers to that. As I reflected on it, I realized something though. No matter what my emotions have been throughout this week or anytime, and no matter what my circumstances, I am in the grip of God and that is enough. That is all I need to know. As long as I am there, I am where I need to be, and His grace is more than enough.
And lastly, a kind of random ending...I was in Culver City last night and as I was standing on the street corner, I was thinking about the places I've been in a week and the places I will go. The Dr. Seuss book came to mind, and I read through the text again. Some of it definitely applies currently. The places we'll go if we allow God to lead us...the people we will meet and the experiences we have....makes for a lifetime of adventure. Praise Him for He is good!
Oh, the Places You'll Go!
by Dr. Seuss
Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.
You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.
And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.
It's opener there
in the wide open air.
Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.
And when things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.
OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!
You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.
You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
Except when you don't
Because, sometimes, you won't.
I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.
You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.
You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.
And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?
And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.
You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...
...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.
NO!
That's not for you!
Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.
With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!
Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.
Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.
I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.
All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.
And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.
But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.
On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.
You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.
And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)
KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!
So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!
I have been seeing and experiencing God pursuing me passionately this week in an intensity I haven't experienced much before. It's a bit overwhelming, but an overwhelmed that draws me closer to Him, which is where I need to be. How He loves me and spurs me on to maturity in Him. In this week I have been able to see the leaps and bounds I made in my walk with him over the school year, but also knowing and seeing I have infinitely farther to go. It's still really sweet though; to look back on where you were and where you are now, and to see what God has done in that time, and to know that this growth is a process, each bringing trials but with that, blessing.
And with that, God's been revealing to me that this summer is, in a lot of ways, going to be a trial for me. Some ways I know and others I don't. I've had to do a heart evaluation in a sense because throughout my life, I've had so many trials but in those, I've praised God because I know it is those trials that make me stronger. Yet, this trial has been a bit harder to approach, perhaps because I know that it is to be one. It's to be an accelerated time of growth, as I am immersed in God's presence with the things I am doing and the people I am around. It's edifying beyond belief. But, because this summer is a critical time for me and others in so many ways, God is going to teach me things and stretch me in order to do so, and it is my responsibility to make sure I am willing to learn and have a teachable heart. He's reminded me of the fact that in order to have a teachable heart, we must humble ourselves before Him. Not always an easy thing to do, but always worth it.
On another note, my parents have to put my dog to sleep because he's bitten one too many people. Only one was bad, but still...it can't keep happening. It was hard for me because I am the only one who knows how to fully control him and these things don't happen when I am around. Yet, I am not around anymore, for I am in CA and at school. Though this brings sadness, I find myself receiving so much peace from God in it all. Ecclesiastes 3:1-2 states "for everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die." I find myself remembering my testimony and the years I spent with Flash, and how at times he was the only thing keeping me going. I would come home from school and just bury my face in his neck and cry, and he always knew to lick away my tears, for he could always tell when something was wrong with me. Before I came to know Christ, he was the one whom I could depend on, even when all else failed. His silence was so often what I needed, for with his gaze I knew that he loved me even when it felt like no one else did.
Flash was the dog of my childhood, of my youth. I have so many treasured memories with him and I know that those will all carry on, but as my youth is passing, so must things of my youth. There are so many seasons in which we go through, all bearing different things. When we go to another, there are things that must die and others that must be born. As I become an adult living in the "adult" world, I know I can no longer cling to my childhood. I can take the memories I have of that time, but I must run onward to maturity. And though it is bittersweet and I will miss my dog greatly, I rest contently in the fact that this time of my childhood is past.
And how interesting that is to embrace, that my childhood has passed. It's difficult to put into words, but it's as this picture I took a couple of weeks ago, of a bird spreading its wings in flight as it leaves the security of the branches it clung to. God's telling me it's time to fly. New horizons must be explored, outside of the comforts and security of my home, my parents, best friends, but solely on faith in Him, nothing else. For why do we attempt to find other things to fulfill our need for security and comfort when we know He is provider of all? Such is a lesson of mine this summer.
I'm the cook of this summer project, and my first two meals went off without much trouble at all...and then when it was time to clean up and we were doing so, the kitchen flooded, both nights. We would be washing dishes for 15 min or so, and all would be fine, and then all of a sudden, water would come flowing up from the 5 floor drains, leaving prob at least a half an inch of water on the floor. It's been puzzling me a bit, but as all things do, God will speak to you through it if you listen. And such is the case with this.
I was reading Habakkuk 2:14, and it states "the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the glory of the Lord, as the waters cover the sea." After researching and thinking about this a bit, I realize what God was teaching me through this. We can't be so consumed with our work and the things we do, in an attempt to "cleanse," that we don't notice the rising waters. I think so often people in this world, Christians included, attempt to do better, look better, and feel better, in an attempt to cleanse ourselves of our sin. It doesn't work that way. If it did, we wouldn't need a Savior and the death of Christ on the cross would've been no different than the others crucified in that time. God will wipe away our pride and make himself known, and will do so in a way that will get our attention, such as the rising waters, so that we must stop our acts of cleansing and attend to the flood, only to find out we can't do anything. His glory will be shown, and the best thing we can do is quit our acts of cleansing and allow the flood to come of His glory. We can't stop the flood of His glory! Let us not try to, and let us not try to pretend that we can do anything equivalent to it.
The question was asked of me the other day how I was doing. I responded that it was a hard question to answer, for throughout this week, there's been many different answers to that. As I reflected on it, I realized something though. No matter what my emotions have been throughout this week or anytime, and no matter what my circumstances, I am in the grip of God and that is enough. That is all I need to know. As long as I am there, I am where I need to be, and His grace is more than enough.
And lastly, a kind of random ending...I was in Culver City last night and as I was standing on the street corner, I was thinking about the places I've been in a week and the places I will go. The Dr. Seuss book came to mind, and I read through the text again. Some of it definitely applies currently. The places we'll go if we allow God to lead us...the people we will meet and the experiences we have....makes for a lifetime of adventure. Praise Him for He is good!
Oh, the Places You'll Go!
by Dr. Seuss
Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.
You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.
And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.
It's opener there
in the wide open air.
Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.
And when things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.
OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!
You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.
You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
Except when you don't
Because, sometimes, you won't.
I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.
You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.
You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.
And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?
And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.
You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...
...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.
NO!
That's not for you!
Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.
With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!
Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.
Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.
I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.
All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.
And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.
But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.
On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.
You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.
And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)
KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!
So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Everything I Need
Based off Psalm 86
Hear me O Lord and answer me, for I am poor and needy
You’re asking me to answer those questions that have riddled me still
Will I fully die to myself to find that I might truly live?
I’m on my knees, humbled before You
Knowing Your grace is everything I need
Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to You all day long
In this heart of mine love bursts at the seams
Will I allow it to be finally set free, inhibition left behind
I cry in tears and song, lowly before You
Knowing Your love is everything I need
Chorus
Hear my song to the One who delivered me
I will praise You, O Lord my God, with all my heart
For great is your love toward me
Grant Your strength to Your servant
Turn to me and have mercy on me
Give me a sign of Your goodness
O compassionate, gracious God
Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in Your truth
Give me an undivided heart so I may fear Your name
Will I allow myself to see those things of You, of perfect harmony
I pray and commune in the quiet with You
Knowing Your truth is everything I need
Bridge
Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord, no deeds can compare with yours
Hear me O Lord and answer me, for I am poor and needy
You’re asking me to answer those questions that have riddled me still
Will I fully die to myself to find that I might truly live?
I’m on my knees, humbled before You
Knowing Your grace is everything I need
Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to You all day long
In this heart of mine love bursts at the seams
Will I allow it to be finally set free, inhibition left behind
I cry in tears and song, lowly before You
Knowing Your love is everything I need
Chorus
Hear my song to the One who delivered me
I will praise You, O Lord my God, with all my heart
For great is your love toward me
Grant Your strength to Your servant
Turn to me and have mercy on me
Give me a sign of Your goodness
O compassionate, gracious God
Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in Your truth
Give me an undivided heart so I may fear Your name
Will I allow myself to see those things of You, of perfect harmony
I pray and commune in the quiet with You
Knowing Your truth is everything I need
Bridge
Among the gods there is none like you, O Lord, no deeds can compare with yours
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
My Sweet, Sweet Song
Another 48 hours and I scarce can take it in, the beauty and power and amazingness of God I have seen in such a short time...!!!
My fears are being calmed and quieted, though they are still there. I fear what God is to do through me the most, I figured out, and I'm seeing His power displayed in my life. However, the passage from Genesis 33 keeps coming back to mind, about how the shepherd knows the sheep are frail and won't push them so hard that they will die. Such is what God is doing with me, stretching me not so hard that I will fall and be unable to get up, but stretching me so I am uncomfortable and then take that step out in faith to find that I will thrive.
These first couple of days are intense in the fact that we jump right in to what the heart of this project is all about. But how good it was today, actually, how good it is all the time if I will push aside my fears, open up my eyes and see the beauty. I had my first "action group" time today, and basically it's a bible study group of 6 girls here on project, and it was incredible. We talked for about 5 hours each sharing our life stories, details and all. Not an easy thing to do, but how much grace God showed through that. And how evident it is becoming to me that honesty and openness in its purest form is necessary for growth, for intimacy with other believers and everything. We have to take that step out in faith and be willing to bare all.
In another aspect of jumping right into things, we went sharing and asking questions on the 3rd Street Promenade here in Santa Monica, which is basically three blocks of an outdoor mall where tons of people interact. Yesterday it was so good to jump right into things and start sharing. Tonight was good to jump in as well, but how I noticed a change in my heart that was revolutionary. See, at the beginning of this calendar year, I really began to have a heart for the lost on my college campus, but didn't have the world perspective. How that changed tonight. This world is so incredibly diverse and people are crying out to be known by the One who loves them, but they don't realize it. What hope we have in knowing Christ! My fears seem so irrelevant in light of what these people face in the darkness. I scarce can take it in.
We must, must take the initiative and GO to these people, where they are at, and ask them questions and spur conversation about what is going on. We can't sit back in comfort. The Holy Spirit is moving at all times if we are willing to go. It will be moving in different ways, yes, but God always shows up when His children offer all to Him! How beautiful it was to see Chase's face tonight as he walked back into our room for I knew he had seen Christ first hand. He and Emily led someone to Christ tonight. How stinking excited I am to be here with Chase this summer and see how God is and will completely transform his life. Huge plans are in store for that boy.
And I'm with the sweet thought today of how good God is with the people He has placed in our lives. There are times people will come and go and times they will remain, but we aren't supposed to forget these people. All these people and experiences with these people have made me for the better, and I carry these things with me. I don't need to forget these people by any means. I treasure them and think of them so much! And a sweet thing too is to see how these people here with me this summer will become the same way, and I will carry these people with me for the rest of my life. These people give me more reason to worship the Giver! I pray for you all and love you so much!
I scarce can take it all in, what God is doing here in such a short time. I can't imagine right now what the rest of this summer holds. My heart is ransomed for the King, to the One who caresses me with His sweet, sweet song.
The ignorance that lingers
Clouded behind all shadows of doubt
Fears riddle their hearts to face who they are
Or apathy rules them still
Won’t You bring Your people back to You, Lord?
People from every nation and tongue
From generation to generation
Some so close, others far away
The visible line of heartbreak
O Lord, Your people have strayed
A low and humble servant am I
Yet I approach Your feet
The spirit of power You have bestowed upon me
And so I take my cross and run, run, full into Your glory
So that all people may see
There is no one like my God
Come and see what He has done for me
There is no one like my God
Come and taste and drink to the full
There is no one like my God
Come and see the promises fulfilled
There is no one like my God
Come and see their lives transformed
There is no one like my God
My fears are being calmed and quieted, though they are still there. I fear what God is to do through me the most, I figured out, and I'm seeing His power displayed in my life. However, the passage from Genesis 33 keeps coming back to mind, about how the shepherd knows the sheep are frail and won't push them so hard that they will die. Such is what God is doing with me, stretching me not so hard that I will fall and be unable to get up, but stretching me so I am uncomfortable and then take that step out in faith to find that I will thrive.
These first couple of days are intense in the fact that we jump right in to what the heart of this project is all about. But how good it was today, actually, how good it is all the time if I will push aside my fears, open up my eyes and see the beauty. I had my first "action group" time today, and basically it's a bible study group of 6 girls here on project, and it was incredible. We talked for about 5 hours each sharing our life stories, details and all. Not an easy thing to do, but how much grace God showed through that. And how evident it is becoming to me that honesty and openness in its purest form is necessary for growth, for intimacy with other believers and everything. We have to take that step out in faith and be willing to bare all.
In another aspect of jumping right into things, we went sharing and asking questions on the 3rd Street Promenade here in Santa Monica, which is basically three blocks of an outdoor mall where tons of people interact. Yesterday it was so good to jump right into things and start sharing. Tonight was good to jump in as well, but how I noticed a change in my heart that was revolutionary. See, at the beginning of this calendar year, I really began to have a heart for the lost on my college campus, but didn't have the world perspective. How that changed tonight. This world is so incredibly diverse and people are crying out to be known by the One who loves them, but they don't realize it. What hope we have in knowing Christ! My fears seem so irrelevant in light of what these people face in the darkness. I scarce can take it in.
We must, must take the initiative and GO to these people, where they are at, and ask them questions and spur conversation about what is going on. We can't sit back in comfort. The Holy Spirit is moving at all times if we are willing to go. It will be moving in different ways, yes, but God always shows up when His children offer all to Him! How beautiful it was to see Chase's face tonight as he walked back into our room for I knew he had seen Christ first hand. He and Emily led someone to Christ tonight. How stinking excited I am to be here with Chase this summer and see how God is and will completely transform his life. Huge plans are in store for that boy.
And I'm with the sweet thought today of how good God is with the people He has placed in our lives. There are times people will come and go and times they will remain, but we aren't supposed to forget these people. All these people and experiences with these people have made me for the better, and I carry these things with me. I don't need to forget these people by any means. I treasure them and think of them so much! And a sweet thing too is to see how these people here with me this summer will become the same way, and I will carry these people with me for the rest of my life. These people give me more reason to worship the Giver! I pray for you all and love you so much!
I scarce can take it all in, what God is doing here in such a short time. I can't imagine right now what the rest of this summer holds. My heart is ransomed for the King, to the One who caresses me with His sweet, sweet song.
The ignorance that lingers
Clouded behind all shadows of doubt
Fears riddle their hearts to face who they are
Or apathy rules them still
Won’t You bring Your people back to You, Lord?
People from every nation and tongue
From generation to generation
Some so close, others far away
The visible line of heartbreak
O Lord, Your people have strayed
A low and humble servant am I
Yet I approach Your feet
The spirit of power You have bestowed upon me
And so I take my cross and run, run, full into Your glory
So that all people may see
There is no one like my God
Come and see what He has done for me
There is no one like my God
Come and taste and drink to the full
There is no one like my God
Come and see the promises fulfilled
There is no one like my God
Come and see their lives transformed
There is no one like my God
Sunday, June 11, 2006
48 Hours
48 hours...how much can happen in a short time.
I've left school, SLO, and the people I know there, saying temporary good-byes and remembering the blessings there.
And then I am here in Santa Monica, CA, at the Palm Motel, in a room with three other girls, attempting to get in some quiet time. This quiet time I've had is what sustains me, for it is so critical for me to write and pour out my heart to God. I'm introverted with an extroverted side, I'm finding. I can be extroverted when need be, but I'm much more introverted. This will stretch me over the next couple of days.
As I read over my journal entry, I found some common themes:
1: I am scared out of my mind to be here on Summer Project
2: I don't like the unknown and uncertainty
3: I really don't breathe much in times like this
But in spite of these things above, my mind and heart has to keep coming back to the fact that God has placed me here for so many reasons. Man, how He's stretching me just in the several hours I've been here. I'm seeing so many glimpses of why I am here this summer today and it overwhelms me greatly. I think I'm overwhelming myself in a way too by looking to too much at one time.
God spoke to me and told me to live life by the moment in light of eternity. This means that I will focus on what is solely at the present but know that it is a moment shaping eternity, and that is what I live for.
There's a quote from some book I love that talks about a girl struggling to get dressed, and when someone went to help her, she said that it was okay, for her papa usually let her struggle. Her papa realized the necessity that struggle plays in growth. Such is what my Papa is doing now...making me struggle so I will grow.
But with all this, I know so much beauty is to come...as during worship tonight, God showed up...His presence filled the room immediately. Such is the case when 45 college students decide to lay down their summers and lives for the Lord. It will be beautiful to see what happens with so many surrendered hearts....
Keep me in your prayers. Keep this project in your prayers. I know I need it greatly. You are all in my prayers as well, and keep in touch. You are all so important to me in some way.
I've left school, SLO, and the people I know there, saying temporary good-byes and remembering the blessings there.
And then I am here in Santa Monica, CA, at the Palm Motel, in a room with three other girls, attempting to get in some quiet time. This quiet time I've had is what sustains me, for it is so critical for me to write and pour out my heart to God. I'm introverted with an extroverted side, I'm finding. I can be extroverted when need be, but I'm much more introverted. This will stretch me over the next couple of days.
As I read over my journal entry, I found some common themes:
1: I am scared out of my mind to be here on Summer Project
2: I don't like the unknown and uncertainty
3: I really don't breathe much in times like this
But in spite of these things above, my mind and heart has to keep coming back to the fact that God has placed me here for so many reasons. Man, how He's stretching me just in the several hours I've been here. I'm seeing so many glimpses of why I am here this summer today and it overwhelms me greatly. I think I'm overwhelming myself in a way too by looking to too much at one time.
God spoke to me and told me to live life by the moment in light of eternity. This means that I will focus on what is solely at the present but know that it is a moment shaping eternity, and that is what I live for.
There's a quote from some book I love that talks about a girl struggling to get dressed, and when someone went to help her, she said that it was okay, for her papa usually let her struggle. Her papa realized the necessity that struggle plays in growth. Such is what my Papa is doing now...making me struggle so I will grow.
But with all this, I know so much beauty is to come...as during worship tonight, God showed up...His presence filled the room immediately. Such is the case when 45 college students decide to lay down their summers and lives for the Lord. It will be beautiful to see what happens with so many surrendered hearts....
Keep me in your prayers. Keep this project in your prayers. I know I need it greatly. You are all in my prayers as well, and keep in touch. You are all so important to me in some way.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Depths
The end of the school year is here and for once in some time, I'm really calm about it all. There have been times over the last couple weeks in which I was freaking out about change and all, for transition times are not exactly something I am fond of. Yet as I hiked up to the top of the hill with Elise last night for the sunset, God calmed me in a way that I needed so desperately. It wasn't just the calming that I've felt before of just pushing aside my fears and dealing with what is at the present, but a calm and joyful anticipation. I'm excited about this summer, I am finally getting back to that point. It won't be an easy summer, but how much God will do in this time and how much will be done for His glory! It's as when I was sitting in the basement of a church here on Sunday just needing to be with God alone in the silence. The room was dark and only 3 exit signs were illuminated, two of which were in the room I was in. The other was in the conjoining room, in which I entered. God spoke to me so much in that time, stating that yes, these exits in the room I was in would be the easy way out, but didn't I want to see what laid on that journey to the far exit? The Christian life is not an easy one by any means; many sacrifices and comforts must be given up. But as I have set my sights on that far exit, I can't let any closer "exits" deter me or distract me from where I have declared I will go. God helped me conquer so much that night that was necessary to bring me to the point of all this week will bring and has brought.
It's amazing to look back on this year...how speechless I am. There are really no words to describe and not enough to state what has happened and how frutiful it all has been. It has been a year of extreme growth and blessing, and I know so much more is to come...all I can do is let the praise roll endlessly off my tongue and let it be a sweet, pleasing sound to my Lord.
I've been really struck by the concept of depth lately. The thing about depth is it's so difficult to reach its limit. You think you're deep in something and You realize You have infinitely farther to go. Such is my walk with Christ. How deep I have gotten this year, but how much more of the depths do I need and will go to to discover His character and His plans even more! God is infinite...! Another thing is the depth of the relationships I have here. One in particular has struck me as of late, in which God has been calling me to share things that will bring more depth to it, but as we swim deeper into that depth, I know there's so, so much more that remains...and it makes me smile to think that this is only the beginning. Depth is the endless journey on which we embark, with treasures lurking around every corner and uncertainty but much to be seen and experience. Though the depth in general intimidates me a bit, I know I will be going into those depths this summer...and what it will bring!
I can't wait for this summer with the summer project I am doing to see how 50 college students who love God come together as the body of Christ in a short time. We will see God move in amazing ways, both within each individual, and with the group. How amazing that will be! And I can't wait to see at the end of this summer, in which the body we have here will come back together. This is going to be a summer in which we take what God has taught us through one another, walk in the direction He is calling us to, taking those lessons with us, grow in maturity, become individuals of Christ, and come back together able to do so much more for Him! There's going to be some good stories...!
This will probably be my last blog until some time in Santa Monica. No promises of any kind are really going to be made this summer unless the Lord has commanded me to. This summer is His and His alone; all things that come of it will be because of Him, and not because of me.
Praise the Lord who leads us to walk with him as we grow in maturity and truth! It's time to spread our wings and fly!
Sunday, June 04, 2006
As of late...
Lyrics/poems I've written in the past couple of weeks
To My Sister
In the emptiness that lays within my room
A side vacant, one left behind
The silence that remains
The silence so different than before
Memories come of my sister
The blessings You have poured forth through her, O Lord
Her gentleness and carefree nature
The laughter that rings so true through her smile
Her heart of gold that has touched more than she knows
I praise You for my Sister in You, O Lord
The one who has been so good to me
For Your deliberateness in bringing us together
In quietness we both seek
I pray to You for my sister, O Lord
That You will open her eyes to Your passionate pursuit
Enraptured in Your love will she become
While always remaining genuine and true
I pray to You for my sister, O Lord
That You will bless her beyond her dreams
In the same way You have with her for me
That in earnestness, all of her days, You she will seek
In the emptiness that lays within my room
A side vacant, one gone forth
The love that lingers
The love so different than others
Memories come of my sister
The blessings You have poured forth through her, O Lord.
Look
Lord, I look to my feet and see the way You lead me
Lord, I look to my legs and see the way You make me walk
Lord, I look to my hips and see the way You make me turn
Lord, I look to my arms and see the way You make me stretch
Lord, I look to my hands and see the way You make me serve
Lord, I look to my head and see the way You make me think
Lord, I look to my eyes and see the way You make me look
Lord, I look to my body and see a life laid down, crucified
Lord, I look to my heart and see a love beating, resonating
Lord, I look to my life and see You set apart in me
Lord, I look to You and see myself complete
Be everything to me
Be everything for me
Be everything in me
Created in Your likeness let me be.
It’s You I see
It’s You I seek
Let no fears remain.
Break the Silence Now
Here in the quiet of Your presence
A mere glimpse of who You are
I’ve stilled my soul
Found You, my Lord
Found something more
Something worth living for
In this life I find
I fall to the floor
Visions they come
Promises I see
Of the faithful One
Whom I seek
So much in store
Yet I ask You, Lord
Chorus
Break the silence now
Come and speak of the things I see
Of what is to become of me
Break the silence now
I cry out desperately
Want Your everything
No matter what the price be
Break the silence now
Come and speak to me
Revelations they come
People I see
Far from the faithful One
Whom I seek
So many cast away
Your people have strayed
I ask You, Lord
Chorus
To My Sister
In the emptiness that lays within my room
A side vacant, one left behind
The silence that remains
The silence so different than before
Memories come of my sister
The blessings You have poured forth through her, O Lord
Her gentleness and carefree nature
The laughter that rings so true through her smile
Her heart of gold that has touched more than she knows
I praise You for my Sister in You, O Lord
The one who has been so good to me
For Your deliberateness in bringing us together
In quietness we both seek
I pray to You for my sister, O Lord
That You will open her eyes to Your passionate pursuit
Enraptured in Your love will she become
While always remaining genuine and true
I pray to You for my sister, O Lord
That You will bless her beyond her dreams
In the same way You have with her for me
That in earnestness, all of her days, You she will seek
In the emptiness that lays within my room
A side vacant, one gone forth
The love that lingers
The love so different than others
Memories come of my sister
The blessings You have poured forth through her, O Lord.
Look
Lord, I look to my feet and see the way You lead me
Lord, I look to my legs and see the way You make me walk
Lord, I look to my hips and see the way You make me turn
Lord, I look to my arms and see the way You make me stretch
Lord, I look to my hands and see the way You make me serve
Lord, I look to my head and see the way You make me think
Lord, I look to my eyes and see the way You make me look
Lord, I look to my body and see a life laid down, crucified
Lord, I look to my heart and see a love beating, resonating
Lord, I look to my life and see You set apart in me
Lord, I look to You and see myself complete
Be everything to me
Be everything for me
Be everything in me
Created in Your likeness let me be.
It’s You I see
It’s You I seek
Let no fears remain.
Break the Silence Now
Here in the quiet of Your presence
A mere glimpse of who You are
I’ve stilled my soul
Found You, my Lord
Found something more
Something worth living for
In this life I find
I fall to the floor
Visions they come
Promises I see
Of the faithful One
Whom I seek
So much in store
Yet I ask You, Lord
Chorus
Break the silence now
Come and speak of the things I see
Of what is to become of me
Break the silence now
I cry out desperately
Want Your everything
No matter what the price be
Break the silence now
Come and speak to me
Revelations they come
People I see
Far from the faithful One
Whom I seek
So many cast away
Your people have strayed
I ask You, Lord
Chorus
Friday, June 02, 2006
And the clock says 2:46 AM...
Yeah...it does. I'm done with architecture for the year and still I am up. It's amazing how though I've been consumed with this seemingly 200+ hour project, God speaks to me during that time I am working.
There have been a lot of different things that have been raised in the last week but I don't have infinite time to blog. I'm going to speak about those things God is putting on my heart right now....
Over the last week I was resenting the summer coming in a lot of ways, for here I am in a routine of sorts and though God constantly brings new surprises, I have a level of comfort here...yet as soon as I develop any comfort, God rips me out of that. I used to resent it all the time, but now I am seeing how it is so necessary and good. I jump straight into summer project the day after school is out and after I say goodbye to all here and it's no transition at all. Praise God for how He's breaking me and challenging me in that way. God renewed me and brought a new passion to me last night, in that all I really live for and desire to live for is to be His ambassador, to spread His name and love to the nations, and to do whatever He wishes me to do. Why was I resenting this summer so much? It is only a huge step in where He is calling me to be and do...I get to spend an entire summer devoted to serving and growing in the Lord 24/7, and out of that I know God will further develop me to do this 24/7/365, even in the midst of 200+ hour projects. Oh how I long for the day in which God will call me out in missions...this passion is burning so strongly now. This is who I was made to be and this is who I long to be: an ambassador of Christ. During this time in which I am in school and doing other things, I need to realize that God has placed me here for a time such as this, and this is a huge thing he wants me to take part in as well as use this as a training ground for the future. There's a quote by Jim Eliot I love: "Let not our longings slay our appetite for living." Lord, let this be my creed. Though I long for the day You call me to leave these borders, let not my longing slay my appetite for living, for what You have in the present.
As a kid I hated peas. My mom and dad always told me they were good for you, and that they tasted really good (my dad). Yet, every time I saw these dented green mushy balls on my plate, I hated the fact I was expected to eat these, and I didn't care if they were good for you or tasted good; the fact was that they didn't look appetizing. My mom persisted in serving me these peas and still does to this day. There were many times they forced me to eat my portion and I did so with disgust. My mom has given up on trying to get me to eat them, but they still remain on my plate, in case I might change my mind.
How often do we as Christians try to feed these peas to people who simply don't want them, who have no appetite for them? We can't force feed people. Yes, we may want the best for them, and know that these tokens of nourishment we place before them will only bring them closer to God and help them grow stronger, but if they don't want them, we can't force them. The more we try to force God and our perceptions of things, the more we strengthen their dislike for what we feed them. If they are not ready to receive, what good do we do in making them open up and take a good bite out of what they don't desire? We do no good. Our hearts can be in the best of places, but we must understand the needs of others and respond accordingly. All we can do is give these people their peas, in hope that one day they may try a bite and develop a taste for them, leaving them hungering for more. Let us be faithful in serving those around us their peas, but love them enough to let them make their own decisions. Let us not do more harm than good.
We (people in the dorm) had our last planned prayer and worship night of the year tonight. I had been so excited for this so we could go out with a bang and fully offer ourselves to God before this summer. We needed to praise HIm in the way He deserves from all He has done this year. There was an overflow in my heart and still is, but where was the passion tonight? I still don't get why people don't understand that when you offer your time and yourself to the Lord and go and worship Him, He will totally provide. Time is not the issue, neither are projects at hand. What the issue is is where the passion lies. Are we truly seeking the Lord earnestly or are we just making that 200 yard walk, sing a couple lines, mumble a couple prayers, and check it off our list of either "things I need to do to be a good Christian" or "things I need to do so I don't feel guilty"? This may sound harsh, but I feel the need to be blunt. Have we not seen this year how much He has provided? Why turn our backs on that now? We must run after the fire that consumes us ever more every day. It can't wane. I'll be honest. I was disappointed tonight. I don't know what needs to be done, but this summer, it's largely out of my hands. Like I said earlier, I can't force feed these peas, but I pray that those Christians who have tasted these peas and know the benefits will return to consuming those. It's a long, lonely, dry life without it. I honestly don't see a whole lot in the body around me right now...I'm not seeing the passion that I have at times.
As for me, I'm running after the Lord...I want Him to be my source of passion and my only consummation....
There have been a lot of different things that have been raised in the last week but I don't have infinite time to blog. I'm going to speak about those things God is putting on my heart right now....
Over the last week I was resenting the summer coming in a lot of ways, for here I am in a routine of sorts and though God constantly brings new surprises, I have a level of comfort here...yet as soon as I develop any comfort, God rips me out of that. I used to resent it all the time, but now I am seeing how it is so necessary and good. I jump straight into summer project the day after school is out and after I say goodbye to all here and it's no transition at all. Praise God for how He's breaking me and challenging me in that way. God renewed me and brought a new passion to me last night, in that all I really live for and desire to live for is to be His ambassador, to spread His name and love to the nations, and to do whatever He wishes me to do. Why was I resenting this summer so much? It is only a huge step in where He is calling me to be and do...I get to spend an entire summer devoted to serving and growing in the Lord 24/7, and out of that I know God will further develop me to do this 24/7/365, even in the midst of 200+ hour projects. Oh how I long for the day in which God will call me out in missions...this passion is burning so strongly now. This is who I was made to be and this is who I long to be: an ambassador of Christ. During this time in which I am in school and doing other things, I need to realize that God has placed me here for a time such as this, and this is a huge thing he wants me to take part in as well as use this as a training ground for the future. There's a quote by Jim Eliot I love: "Let not our longings slay our appetite for living." Lord, let this be my creed. Though I long for the day You call me to leave these borders, let not my longing slay my appetite for living, for what You have in the present.
As a kid I hated peas. My mom and dad always told me they were good for you, and that they tasted really good (my dad). Yet, every time I saw these dented green mushy balls on my plate, I hated the fact I was expected to eat these, and I didn't care if they were good for you or tasted good; the fact was that they didn't look appetizing. My mom persisted in serving me these peas and still does to this day. There were many times they forced me to eat my portion and I did so with disgust. My mom has given up on trying to get me to eat them, but they still remain on my plate, in case I might change my mind.
How often do we as Christians try to feed these peas to people who simply don't want them, who have no appetite for them? We can't force feed people. Yes, we may want the best for them, and know that these tokens of nourishment we place before them will only bring them closer to God and help them grow stronger, but if they don't want them, we can't force them. The more we try to force God and our perceptions of things, the more we strengthen their dislike for what we feed them. If they are not ready to receive, what good do we do in making them open up and take a good bite out of what they don't desire? We do no good. Our hearts can be in the best of places, but we must understand the needs of others and respond accordingly. All we can do is give these people their peas, in hope that one day they may try a bite and develop a taste for them, leaving them hungering for more. Let us be faithful in serving those around us their peas, but love them enough to let them make their own decisions. Let us not do more harm than good.
We (people in the dorm) had our last planned prayer and worship night of the year tonight. I had been so excited for this so we could go out with a bang and fully offer ourselves to God before this summer. We needed to praise HIm in the way He deserves from all He has done this year. There was an overflow in my heart and still is, but where was the passion tonight? I still don't get why people don't understand that when you offer your time and yourself to the Lord and go and worship Him, He will totally provide. Time is not the issue, neither are projects at hand. What the issue is is where the passion lies. Are we truly seeking the Lord earnestly or are we just making that 200 yard walk, sing a couple lines, mumble a couple prayers, and check it off our list of either "things I need to do to be a good Christian" or "things I need to do so I don't feel guilty"? This may sound harsh, but I feel the need to be blunt. Have we not seen this year how much He has provided? Why turn our backs on that now? We must run after the fire that consumes us ever more every day. It can't wane. I'll be honest. I was disappointed tonight. I don't know what needs to be done, but this summer, it's largely out of my hands. Like I said earlier, I can't force feed these peas, but I pray that those Christians who have tasted these peas and know the benefits will return to consuming those. It's a long, lonely, dry life without it. I honestly don't see a whole lot in the body around me right now...I'm not seeing the passion that I have at times.
As for me, I'm running after the Lord...I want Him to be my source of passion and my only consummation....
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