Somehow

I wish I could always say that You are lovely

Tantalizing and desirable to me

That You drive me to give and do
all that I can for You

But You know I am self-seeking

Self-leading and self-dreaming
wanting to do and pursue

All I can for me

Yet somehow I find that there’s grace enough

For even the wayward sinners like me

And somewhere down the line

I’ll embrace it as all I need

Because You know that I am

Trusting and surrendering

To the best of my ability

All I can to You

And I thank You

that somehow Your mercy is new every morning

I thank You

that somehow Your love envelopes me

I thank You

that somehow Your grace washes over all I see

I thank You

that somehow You love me too much

To leave me where I please to stay

And I thank You

That somehow I may know You deeper every day.

I wish I could always say that You are lovely

Tantalizing and desirable to me

That You drive me to give and do
all that I can for You

But You know I am self-seeking

Self-leading and self-dreaming
wanting to do and pursue

All I can for me

Yet somehow I find that there’s grace enough

For even the wayward sinners like me

And somewhere down the line

I’ll embrace it as all I need

So I thank You

That Your mercy is new every morning

I thank You

That Your love envelopes me

I thank You

That Your grace washes over all I see

I thank You

That You love me too much

To leave me where I please to stay

And I thank You

That I may know You deeper every day.

What does it take?

What does it take
for the building of mountains
the growth of a forest
the shining of the sun
and the crushing swells of the sea?
Is it from the brute of Your strength
The grip of Your hand
The waving of Your finger
Or simply the blink of Your eyes?

What does it take
For the birth of a child
The growth of adolescence
The shining of adulthood
And the crashing swells of death?
Is it from the brute of Your strength
The grip of Your hand
The waving of Your finger
Or simply the blink of Your eyes?

What does it take
For the beginning of covenant
The growth of a promise
The shining of persistence
and the crushing weight of sacrifice?
Is it from the brute of Your power
The grip of Your sovereignty
The shining of Your mercy
Or the gaze of Your love? 

What does it take
For the start of acceptance
The growth of affection
The shining of commitment
And the crushing swells of love?
Is it from the brute of Your strength
The grip of Your hand
The waving of Your finger
Or simply the blink of Your eyes?  

What does it take
For you to love a sinner
To give an offering of reconciliation
To shine your endless grace
And hold the promise of redemption?
Is it from the brute of Your power
The grip of Your sovereignty
The shining of Your mercy
Or the gaze of Your love?  
 

What does it take
For You to pursue my soul
To give me Your unspeakable peace
To shine the piercing light of Your hope
And to hold me fiercely in Your arms?
Is it from the way You see me through Your eyes
The grip You have on my heart
The words you desire to put forth from my mouth
Or is it within the expanse of Your everlasting love?

These things I do not know in their fullness
But the depth of Your answers seizes my heart.

Retrofitting

There’s been something happening in San Luis Obispo over the last few years, and particularly within my last year there in 2010. The city imposed retrofit deadlines for unreinforced buildings to prevent a disaster when an earthquake may come again to the area. It has involved retrofitting 126 buildings over the last 13 years, with a majority of them occurring in the last couple. As I would walk around downtown SLO in my last year, it was such a visible change than the years prior. Businesses that were in buildings needed to be retrofitted had to downsize, relocate, or not operate for the duration of the retrofit of the building. The buildings themselves were gutted to their core. They were built up again from the inside out. During the process, one was able to recognize the buildings to a degree due to its location and somewhat continuity of its outside appearance. Yet, when the retrofit was done, the changes were often quite drastic. One knew it was the same place, yes, but it had been revamped and improved, and carried the mental knowledge that it was now stronger and more fit to withstand whatever forces may come in the future.

There were multiple buildings going through this at one time during my last year. This made it hard to hold onto what had been the reality in SLO. It was such a visible metaphor for what change was going to come and how it could not be stopped. It was at times, painful, for it is hard to embrace change and believe it really will be valuable for what the future brings.

There is not a detachment from the past though. These buildings were not altogether demolished, and that was a beautiful thing. I remember one building in particular—it was a sporting goods store. It had a brick façade, and during the process, the layers of the building were peeled back. One day I walked by to see a vintage “Rexall’s Drug Store” with a year of approximately 1950 painted below it, revealed beneath the brick façade that was removed. A few weeks later, the Rexall’s layer came off, and revealed United States Post Office, with the year of approximately 1910 beneath that. I was so fascinated by this and the history of it. The building had served very different entities, and though its history was masked for a time, it can never be erased. The building is now a restoration of the Wineman Hotel, which was established there in the 1930’s. I have loved that building and its process of retrofitting for some time, but even more so now.

You see, my life this last year has been a process of retrofitting. God has taken so many things and kept its structure, but has been stripping it down to its core to make it stronger for the future.

My concept of home: I grew up in the same city in Colorado Springs for 18 years with my family. Then, I moved to SLO for college, making that my first “independent” home. Now, I am married with my husband, and we are back in Colorado, splitting time with our respective families. Home is such a medley of so many things…it is location and people, how we interact with it and connect to it. So often I feel a piece of my heart stolen and left back in SLO. Though it is a blessing to be here in Colorado, it is not the same as what it was when growing up, and it is not what SLO was. I find the Lord retrofitting what I know home to be…and that is with Him and my husband, no matter where our physical location may be.

My concept of community: The end of high school and also the end of college brought much realization that many friendships are just for a season. Then, there are a few that are blessed to carry on much longer. And in new seasons, there needs to be a willingness to develop new relationships. Community consists of two realms: what is placed around me by my circumstances, such as my coworkers at work. These may not be my chosen community, but they are part of my community and I need to choose to engage with it and develop relationships within it. Then, there is chosen community in the people we choose to pursue. I have a really hard time investing in something if I don’t think I can invest in it long-term. This has led to a lack of community here in Colorado, because John and I keep thinking that we will be moving soon. The Lord is retrofitting me by stripping the way I have been able to pursue community in the past (by living with and in the same town as everyone, going to school together, etc.), by teaching me to value community in such a way that I am willing to sacrifice for it no matter what the long-term gain may be. This means developing relationships with co-workers. It means plugging into a body of believers. It means pursuing friendships from the past and seeking out new for the future. It means finding a deeper friend in my husband and my family. It means all of the aforementioned, and it means to invest in that no matter if the time frame is one month or a lifetime.

My concept of work: Working a full-time job is very different. I’ve also been pursuing my design business on the side, and so I have been finding more than 50 hours every week gone from working and commuting. It feels as if the balance is out of whack, and I don’t know yet how to balance marriage, my relationship with the Lord, community, and responsibilities with work. Yet, I know the Lord is in the process of retrofitting that because that is likely going to continue to be reality for at least a few years, and I must learn.

My relationship with the Lord: I have been connecting with the Lord in such a different way than I ever have before. I used to primarily through writing and conversations with others. Now, it has been through my times with my husband praying and studying the word together, and particularly through my 90 minutes of commuting every day. I like to call the time that I am in the car driving to work my “throne room” before the Lord. It is there that I am with Him, still, able to pray, able to worship, able to take in the beauty of the sunrise every morning. It is so different. Sometimes I feel like I am missing what I am supposed to be doing with Him, particularly journaling, and that is true to an extent. However, I have seen the Lord work incredibly in my heart and mind through these past 8 months. There is a resolve, trust, and peace in Him in the midst of very uncertain circumstances and future that requires a day-to-day living while maintaining a vision and hope for what will be one day. This was not present in me two years ago. Therefore, I see that the Lord is retrofitting my faith in taking what has existed and is making it stronger than it has been before, even as so much of what I know and have done to connect with the Lord before hardly exists now.

“To adapt to a new purpose or need : modify,” is one definition of retrofit given by Webster’s dictionary. I find it largely appropriate. It is a time of transition and retrofitting in my life, and the Lord is using it to adapt it to a new purpose or need both for right now and the future. I know that the history and memories of my life will not be void in this process, but that they must lend room for a building strengthening for the future. It is so tempting to hold onto what has been beloved and cherished, not wishing for change, but what could stand at one time cannot necessarily do so in the future. God is good to retrofit because He alone knows the course of our lives and what will come, and what needs to be done in our lives in the present in order that we may stand firm in Him in the future. Praise be to the One who has all the plans and knows the necessary changes to bring.