Tufts of Life

I went for a drive in Perfumo Canyon today. In some ways, it was a means of escape from the seemingly insurmountable work I have to do, but in a lot of ways, it provided reminder and refreshment.

I was so invigorated on that road. It is just an entirely different world in the canyon and at the top of the ridges. It was clear, sunny, and warm. Beautiful as usual. But as I had the windows of my car down as I traveled along the road, the smell was incredible. It was this fresh green, clean, pure smell that only new life can bring. The visual sight of the new green grass sprouting forth confirmed such a scent. It was wonderful...

There are times when the road I am on seems long and makes me weary. Sometimes it's so hard to see the end or at least relief in sight. On the drive I stopped in a canyon with a canopy of trees, and there were dead leaves all over the sides of the road. As I bent down, I saw these beautiful green tufts of grass poking through the dead leaves, and they stood stronger, higher, than the death surrounding. It was subtle, but there.

Talking with some people close to me today reminded me that there is growth abounding in me, even when I do not readily see it. I am learning. I am growing. I am traveling on this road though I am not at the end of it. I look forward to the spring in which it will be in full bloom and I can rest in some way.

In the meantime, though, I am thankful for the hope God has renewed in me, that there are tufts of grass along the way, small, but in time, it will become a vast meadow. Both literally and figuratively, that's a good thing to wait for.

But it does take time. And that's where I must rest and be patient.

Always Running

Always running into what I try to make known
Somehow thinking my legs will get me there faster
And somehow believing my mind will make it come to be
But as I run into an unknown future
I look behind to see the tracks I’ve made
Yet somehow they have disappeared
And I find myself in a world I’ve created
That has distanced me from the one that exists
Because as tangible as I’d like it to be
It’s as fickle as the vanishing mist

My dreams seem to lift me to the heights
The words within me seem to create a beautiful state of being
My mind constantly paints the pictures
Of what I can envision and would like my future to be
It’s like twirling around in a fairy tale
Even with the evil the good always prevails
And the happily ever after is always there
The bliss seems incomparable
And so still I create the scenarios
Of what could best assimilate
The reality of a fairy tale state

But I always find myself waiting
Waiting to see which of the scenarios I’ve created might come to be
And I’m always waiting
Waiting for the next best thing that’s supposed to come
I’ve subjected myself to believing
that life is as predictable as the fictitious stories I’ve always heard
And I’m always believing
That there’s always something better yet to be

It’s like a line drawn in the sand
Reality on one side and dreams on the other hand
And as long as I straddle the line I will never be fully where I should
As much as my dreams pull me to its side
As long as I breathe breath of air in this life
Reality will have its hold on me
And that’s really where I should fully be
But it’s so hard to let go and let reality carry me
Maybe even surprise me
That it could be better than the pictures and dreams I create

I’m always running
Always running into what I try to make known
Somehow thinking my legs will get me there faster
And somehow believing my mind will make it come to be
Bound to be surprised when the fickle mist lifts its veil
Finding myself face to face with reality
But I’m always running
Always running ahead of where I need to be

Passions and Desires

It seems like I have been confronted a lot lately with passions and desires. In so many ways, they are these big concepts and ideas that I cannot fully pin down, grasp, or understand. But there is one aspect with it that I’ve been realizing as of late.

Passions and desires are incredibly inconvenient. They don’t fit in neatly in life at all. It seems the world requires so many ordinary and mundane things of us that we allow ourselves to be subjected to. The world's obligations seem to max out our obligations but leave us wholly unsatisfied. Passions and desires aren't able to be compartmentalized. It’s not something that simply fits in a 2-hour time slot in which we can focus on it during that, and then move on.

A lot of my life lately has been of the organizational nature. I’ve had to be incredibly wise and diligent with my time in order to fulfill the obligations and tasks I either take (like Veritas) or others I’m subjected to (like homework). I’m thankful that I am able to do a lot of things that are using my talents and gifts God’s given me, and it is good. There’s a measure of me that loves the neatness I can create, my complex to do lists in which I can map out and plan everything I need to get done and do so, and the schedule I can easily follow. But, I’m honestly kind of tired of it.

I find myself overwhelmed with my passions and desires but feel like I don’t have the time to devote to them or to allow them to be manifested unless the world stopped spinning. And it frustrates me. My mind and heart is often so consumed with these passions and desires that it can feel like I’m just biding time in the things I do now. I know that’s not true, but it is hard to see it otherwise. I feel like I’m always waiting. That someday, there will be a time, but in the meantime, time keeps on passing by.

To some degree, I do understand these passions and desires in a broad concept. I believe God is leading me slowly to more specifics. But there’s a lot of waiting in there. There’s a lot of need of patience. There’s a lot of need in trust of God’s sovereignty.

Last quarter, I was really crippled with my passions and desires. I didn’t know how in the world I could possibly retain them, hope for them, live into them, wait for them, that I believe I became crippled and shut down. It’s been a long recovery process which I am still in to some degree. Sometimes, they just seem so lofty. Sometimes, they just seem too strong. Sometimes they feel naïve. Sometimes it feels like I am hoping for things that I shouldn’t, that I will be disappointed. Sometimes it feels like I am the only dreamer in a world of convenience, a world that does not lend itself to the pursuit of said dreams and passions.

I was crippled because the passions, desires, and dreams have always been so strong and I believe many grow stronger, but in waiting, my hopes just fell. The lack of manifestation of them in the present was rendering me disappointed. It just seemed so unrealistic, that I was trying to be a naïve girl in an adult world. In an adult world that doesn’t allow them or leave room for them.

But in the recovery process God’s been bringing me through, I’ve been reassured that these passions, desires, and dreams do have purpose. That I am not wrong or naïve to hope for them. As difficult and inconvenient as they can be at times, they are at the core of my existence, and I believe, part of my “calling,” though that’s a trite word. I don’t think the problem lies with the fact that we all have dreams, passions and desires. The problem lies in that we live in a world that doesn’t give room for them to be pursued or manifested. In saying this, I feel naïve still, but maybe God wants me to embrace those passions, fight for the manifestation of them, and allow Him to use it. I think the problem also lies in that we are scared to do so. It means change. It means embracing the unexplained, the things that aren’t readily explained and don’t make sense to others. I think sometimes we fight so hard to belong in an aspect we don’t need to. We don’t need to try and fall in the area of the commonplace. Instead, perhaps we are to be the first to stand up in a crowd, and be pleasantly surprised when many many more stand up with us.

In some ways still, I am crippled by the manifestation of said passions and desires, but God is leading the way. He’s helping me to see purpose in them. I’m now learning to understand and embrace them.

And hopefully soon, I’ll begin to walk in them.

Hopefully soon, this waiting time will be over.

But for now, He says wait. And I have to trust He knows what’s best.

Theme of 2008

It's pretty amazing that there could be a passage of scripture that encompasses so much of what has fallen within a year, but there is. God is good to give and reveal. He brought me back to Hebrews 6 tonight, and I remembered that different parts have been themes throughout the year. Yet, in its entirety, it speaks volumes. Volumes more than I ever could about what 2008 has brought. He is surely faithful.

Therefore let us leave the elementary doctrine of Christ and go on to maturity, not laying again a foundation of repentance from dead works and of faith toward God, and of instruction about washings, the laying on of hands, the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgment. And this we will do if God permits. For it is impossible to restore again to repentance those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, and have shared in the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the age to come, if they then fall away, since they are crucifying once again the Son of God to their own harm and holding him up to contempt. For land that has drunk the rain that often falls on it, and produces a crop useful to those for whose sake it is cultivated, receives a blessing from God. But if it bears thorns and thistles, it is worthless and near to being cursed, and its end is to be burned.

Though we speak in this way, yet in your case, beloved, we feel sure of better things—things that belong to salvation. For God is not so unjust as to overlook your work and the love that you showed for his sake in serving the saints, as you still do. And we desire each one of you to show the same earnestness to have the full assurance of hope until the end, so that you may not be sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises.

For when God made a promise to Abraham, since he had no one greater by whom to swear, he swore by himself, saying, “Surely I will bless you and multiply you.” And thus Abraham, having patiently waited, obtained the promise. For people swear by something greater than themselves, and in all their disputes an oath is final for confirmation. So when God desired to show more convincingly to the heirs of the promise the unchangeable character of his purpose, he guaranteed it with an oath, so that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek. Hebrews 6, ESV