I feel led to post my journal entry from tonight...normally I don't do such things, but perhaps the honesty in which God has been dealing with me in is meant to speak to You as well. May we always look to Him to be fully who He is.
Dear Lord,
Here we are in the middle of November, just a week before Thanksgiving. It’s been so hard for me to come here and simply sit and journal, rest in You, be in the moment. Life is busy with the end of the quarter wrapping up and I have let myself get caught up in that pace in pretty much every moment of my life. I look back to freshman year in which I was journaling about an hour every day because of the fullness of life, and I also knew the necessity of it. I lived and breathed it. Life was simpler than then it is now, but it’s not to say that life isn’t or shouldn’t be simple now. Lord, all that is required of me is that I seek You out and love You. It is as simple as that if I choose to let it be. I look at the adult pressures and responsibilities that are beginning to become more of a reality as time goes by and I see how much of a burden they are. There’s so little freedom in it and so many things holding one back. Kate and I talked about this yesterday in that it is easier and more natural for younger people to go because they don’t have these ties in life holding them down. Yet Lord, it is my prayer that no matter how old I get or how much life changes, that there be only one thing I am tied to-the chains of which that bond me in serving You, my Lord. That is all that is needed and wanted. May there be nothing that holds me down. This life is but a breath in the sight of Heaven my Lord, and when it comes down to the things that really matter, the worldly “burdens” do not. Help me to always see that. Help me to be diligent with those things You have given me to do as I am in the world but not of it, and with that, may these things never become a part of me.
I look at this quarter and much of what has happened and changed and…I don’t know. It’s hard to get into it right now, and I don’t think I am supposed to fully yet. I have been convicted of the many ways in which I have fallen short of the things You have given me to do and the person I am to be. Though these things are difficult for me to swallow, I thank You that You have given me such a clear picture of how I will always fall short…in every aspect of my life; in particular, with leadership this quarter. I am in utter need of Your grace, not just now in this moment, but always. I ask that I be dependent on You in such a way that I am as a baby looking to You for my every need and desire. Surely my Lord, You will carry me and lead me ever so. I do not walk on my own. When I do so, I always stumble and fall. One cannot see without the light. Lord I pray that Your light always be upon me and shine through me in every moment. Lately I don’t see the manifestation of such…in that Your light would shine through me and penetrate others. Lord, I desire that You make Yourself known in and through me, and with that always requires an end of myself. May I die to myself in every moment. May I live in full surrender to You.
Lord, I trust that You are moving ever so, with or without me. I am not required or needed to get Your will done here on this earth. You are fully sovereign, and all of Your wills and desires come from the overflow of who You are, fully sufficient in only Yourself. We are sinful and always fall short. Praise be to You that You are not dependent on us, and knew us before we ever came to be. Praise be to You who sent Your son before creation ever began, fully sovereign in Your plan of salvation and restoration of Your people. Lord, that we would know You as the One true God, that is my prayer. Lord, that we may be made “small and wise” as Brittany has been praying. Lord, that “we may decrease and You may increase,” as John the Baptist stated. Lord, that Your truth would sanctify us in every moment, as You prayed for us. Lord, that regardless of how we feel or act, we would ever know and be fully devoted in the commitment we have in You. You give us nothing less than Your all. May we strive for such.
The literal seasons change my Lord, and so do the spiritual seasons; at least they evolve. May I never cling so tightly to a particular season that I am either not willing to let it go or move on, or that I fail to be fully in the moment. As I said earlier, this life is but a breath. How I must not concern myself or put my hopes in tomorrow because You surely lead as the wind blows. I remember writing a poem this time last year about the leaves falling and bringing a regeneration. I was reminded of this over this week walking on campus and seeing the trees that have either not changed, are changing colors, or have lost most of their leaves completely. I also remember saying something a while back about there being a beauty in death. I wish I had a picture of the pinecone I had earlier today as it reminds me of this so well. But Lord, there is such a beauty in death. When we truly die to ourselves and every aspect of it, it only allows You full room to move and restore. Surely You will bring about more beautiful things that cannot come from the flesh of ours that we so willingly abide in. I am convicted so much lately in how I do not truly crucify my flesh. How easy it is to be distracted and make excuses when we choose to be governed by that instead of by Your truths and Your word.
I seldom know what tomorrow brings, and though it is strange and unfamiliar for me, it is an altogether good place to be. Today is where I am. This is the moment You have for me to be in. I pray I be fully here, fully on my knees giving You praise in the way that You deserve. Your promises ever remain and will be fulfilled in Your timing and Your plans alone. May I never look to those in itself, but rather as an opportunity, no, beckoning call to surrender all to You. Your will be done, my Lord. You know what I ask for. You know that I know You hear me. I expect nothing less of You than to be fully Yourself in every way…
You are fully and wholly Yourself. I cannot pick just one or a couple of attributes here because it would be slighting every aspect of who You are! So Lord, I leave here tonight praising You, the God who calls Yourself, “I am who I am.” That is all that needs to be said and known. Amen.
