I am swirling about, tossed around
spit up upon this ground
You are.
I am crying out, looking around
desperate to be found
You are.
I am questioning, always seeking
analyzing every meaning
You are.
I am restless, selfish
clenched up in a fit
You are.
I am aching, constantly breaking
striving to be making
You are.
I am asking, lacking
Always reacting
You are.
I am nothing, never be
No good has ever come of me
You are.
I am sin, naught within
arrived at an end
You are.
I am bought at a price, far too high
One never could I buy
You are.
I am ransomed, redeemed
once again free to dream
You are.
I am always looking for an answer
One in everything
You are.
I am always wondering what could be
One in everything
You are.
I am always clinging, overreaching for
One in everything
You are.
I am constantly changing, always in need of
One in everything
You are.
I am always looking for an answer
One for everything
It comes simply.
You are.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Personal Typhoons
This is from my journal entry tonight. I include it here because I believe it important for people who know me to know this-it will make more sense at the end of reading this. Please see this as an asking of you to help me with this if you can. It would be greatly appreciated.
Tonight I am reminded of the blessing and need for people in my life. Recent events that have brought that to light have been my date with John last night, church today, our Crusade BBQ, and ice cream with Colin tonight. Each of those times were incredibly full and blessed.
Yet while remaining thankful for these people and this time, I find myself sitting here tonight lonely. I’m only a couple of hours removed from being with people, but it feels much longer. I find the fullness I had while being with these people has been replaced with a yearning. A yearning for companionship, and a desire to not feel alone.
Being self-sufficient in the ways I am by nature is certainly easier. It allows me to derive all I need from You and myself, dear Lord. You know I can easily immerse myself in my own world, whether it be the things I do, what I create, and what I dream. It’s almost this aspect of creating my own world that appears and functions the way I want it to. The problem with that though, is that it’s just a temporary though often long-standing illusion. Self-sufficiency only supplies for a time.
My instinct would be to say that being self-sufficient renders less heartache. It has felt that way with me. However, what I believe creates that is my walling myself up in my own world so that I am left generally unaffected. It leaves me steady because it protects myself from the elements.
Yet, I think I’ve come to believe that even the strongest walls are not meant to always stand. Somehow, through one force or another, they are overcome. With me, I’d probably say it is a typhoon that does it. A typhoon builds up over time with the forces around it to eventually unleash a powerful force. And when it finally starts, it does. It usually lasts a few days until it exhausts all of the energy and force it had built up and no longer has any reserves to keep going. It then dissipates. My life, particularly the emotional side, can often resemble a typhoon. They don’t come many in number and often come in certain seasons and times, but when they come, they make quite a presence. In the majority of the rest of the time in between, things are calm.
These typhoons of mine overcome my walls. They immerse the interior of it with every ounce of it-leaving me drenched, saturated, unable to run or hide. Instead, I am stuck in the middle of it trying to cope and escape but hopeless in doing so. I usually just have to wait out the storm and not let it “destroy” me. And when the storm is over-I’m exhausted. It’s like there’s this period of drying out, warming up, and recovering in which I’m just numb to everything emotional. When that’s over, then I can function again. I think that should be the last storm, that surely I’ve made it through this one and there need be no more.
I then try to live my life outside the walls. I remember how being in the inside of those walls in the storm left me trapped. So, I try to allow myself to be exposed, functioning in community and connecting myself with others. Praise be to You that You help me do it. I know sometimes I retreat back to my walls of self-sufficiency because I’m either tired of being outside or I simply want to be comfortable. But Lord, I’m trying to live outside those walls. To know what it is to be truly vulnerable and live life with others and not just on occasions. There is progress made; You encourage me with showing me that.
But the storm I thought was the last wasn’t. Another comes. The typhoon builds up its strength and makes its way again. Now I am trying not to run back to my shelter of walls but rather leave myself exposed so I don’t become trapped. That somehow, in being outside with others, they will know and recognize that I am in the middle of a storm rather than being in a solitary force unable to cry or articulate a need for help. And also, that they would know that things just aren’t easy going for me all the time. That they would know that I am subject to the building up of many different isolated forces, all combining to produce huge storms of passion and emotion that render me helpless. That even if I am not able to cry out for help, that they would see and come. That’s where being exposed is necessary.
Lord, I know I must be realistic and realize these patterns of storms may not cease altogether with one, as this has been so much the norm for me for so long. But I know I need to seek You and allow You to teach me how to let those storms subside in both number and strength until they are one day eliminated outright. You have been good in revealing what this is in my life and what it does.
I was reading about typhoons and there is this section that talks about how during the 1960’s and 70’s the United States Government sought to artificially dissipate typhoons by a variety of methods. The most tangible one was by towing icebergs into the tropical oceans to cool the water, thus inhibiting its development. Though the theory was correct, it was not an effective solution because the storms were far too large for it to have an effect.
I feel like the United States Government then, now. I feel like I’m learning about these storms and how they function and what they do. I feel like a boat towing an iceberg to the center to hopefully nip the storm in the bud, or at least lessen its effects. It just doesn’t quite work.
But I know the solution does not lie in what I can do or figure out, ultimately. Those things may help or perhaps point me in the right direction, but the storms are so large that they need a larger God to control and sway them. I know You are that God, my Lord. You know how I often feel spit up and tossed out by the typhoon that I’m left exhausted and numb to everything, even anything in trying to deal with these storms before the next one comes. You know the little energy I can have left. But Lord, I come to You now offering all I can with this and asking You to take the rest. I ask You that You allow the storms to subside and one day cease. I ask that I can learn to function on a normal human level with passions and emotions consistently-one that ebbs like an ocean, not a storm system derived from it.
Because where I am tonight is on the end tails of one of these storms. I’m in the midst of severe emotion and passion while dealing with its counterpart-numb to everything as a result of exhaustion. I’m feeling this yearning for companionship-one severe, and part of me wants to go back to the walls of self-sufficiency to be exempt from it. Yet, praise be to You, I am growing somewhat tired of those walls and becoming more ready to stand outside of it. I need not be so strong all the time, deriving from the strength that comes from residing in the walls I’ve built protecting myself from being affected. That only leaves me isolated. Being outside those walls is vulnerable and exposed, and I pray that with it doesn’t come a storm of its own due to the ills of my passion and emotion. But Lord, moreso I pray that it becomes a place where I can stay. That it becomes a place where I can heal from this last storm, and simply be where I am rather than having to cry out for help. And when the next storm comes, I’ll already be where I need to be-in the midst of companionship that will see the storm I am in and come to me.
Tonight I am reminded of the blessing and need for people in my life. Recent events that have brought that to light have been my date with John last night, church today, our Crusade BBQ, and ice cream with Colin tonight. Each of those times were incredibly full and blessed.
Yet while remaining thankful for these people and this time, I find myself sitting here tonight lonely. I’m only a couple of hours removed from being with people, but it feels much longer. I find the fullness I had while being with these people has been replaced with a yearning. A yearning for companionship, and a desire to not feel alone.
Being self-sufficient in the ways I am by nature is certainly easier. It allows me to derive all I need from You and myself, dear Lord. You know I can easily immerse myself in my own world, whether it be the things I do, what I create, and what I dream. It’s almost this aspect of creating my own world that appears and functions the way I want it to. The problem with that though, is that it’s just a temporary though often long-standing illusion. Self-sufficiency only supplies for a time.
My instinct would be to say that being self-sufficient renders less heartache. It has felt that way with me. However, what I believe creates that is my walling myself up in my own world so that I am left generally unaffected. It leaves me steady because it protects myself from the elements.
Yet, I think I’ve come to believe that even the strongest walls are not meant to always stand. Somehow, through one force or another, they are overcome. With me, I’d probably say it is a typhoon that does it. A typhoon builds up over time with the forces around it to eventually unleash a powerful force. And when it finally starts, it does. It usually lasts a few days until it exhausts all of the energy and force it had built up and no longer has any reserves to keep going. It then dissipates. My life, particularly the emotional side, can often resemble a typhoon. They don’t come many in number and often come in certain seasons and times, but when they come, they make quite a presence. In the majority of the rest of the time in between, things are calm.
These typhoons of mine overcome my walls. They immerse the interior of it with every ounce of it-leaving me drenched, saturated, unable to run or hide. Instead, I am stuck in the middle of it trying to cope and escape but hopeless in doing so. I usually just have to wait out the storm and not let it “destroy” me. And when the storm is over-I’m exhausted. It’s like there’s this period of drying out, warming up, and recovering in which I’m just numb to everything emotional. When that’s over, then I can function again. I think that should be the last storm, that surely I’ve made it through this one and there need be no more.
I then try to live my life outside the walls. I remember how being in the inside of those walls in the storm left me trapped. So, I try to allow myself to be exposed, functioning in community and connecting myself with others. Praise be to You that You help me do it. I know sometimes I retreat back to my walls of self-sufficiency because I’m either tired of being outside or I simply want to be comfortable. But Lord, I’m trying to live outside those walls. To know what it is to be truly vulnerable and live life with others and not just on occasions. There is progress made; You encourage me with showing me that.
But the storm I thought was the last wasn’t. Another comes. The typhoon builds up its strength and makes its way again. Now I am trying not to run back to my shelter of walls but rather leave myself exposed so I don’t become trapped. That somehow, in being outside with others, they will know and recognize that I am in the middle of a storm rather than being in a solitary force unable to cry or articulate a need for help. And also, that they would know that things just aren’t easy going for me all the time. That they would know that I am subject to the building up of many different isolated forces, all combining to produce huge storms of passion and emotion that render me helpless. That even if I am not able to cry out for help, that they would see and come. That’s where being exposed is necessary.
Lord, I know I must be realistic and realize these patterns of storms may not cease altogether with one, as this has been so much the norm for me for so long. But I know I need to seek You and allow You to teach me how to let those storms subside in both number and strength until they are one day eliminated outright. You have been good in revealing what this is in my life and what it does.
I was reading about typhoons and there is this section that talks about how during the 1960’s and 70’s the United States Government sought to artificially dissipate typhoons by a variety of methods. The most tangible one was by towing icebergs into the tropical oceans to cool the water, thus inhibiting its development. Though the theory was correct, it was not an effective solution because the storms were far too large for it to have an effect.
I feel like the United States Government then, now. I feel like I’m learning about these storms and how they function and what they do. I feel like a boat towing an iceberg to the center to hopefully nip the storm in the bud, or at least lessen its effects. It just doesn’t quite work.
But I know the solution does not lie in what I can do or figure out, ultimately. Those things may help or perhaps point me in the right direction, but the storms are so large that they need a larger God to control and sway them. I know You are that God, my Lord. You know how I often feel spit up and tossed out by the typhoon that I’m left exhausted and numb to everything, even anything in trying to deal with these storms before the next one comes. You know the little energy I can have left. But Lord, I come to You now offering all I can with this and asking You to take the rest. I ask You that You allow the storms to subside and one day cease. I ask that I can learn to function on a normal human level with passions and emotions consistently-one that ebbs like an ocean, not a storm system derived from it.
Because where I am tonight is on the end tails of one of these storms. I’m in the midst of severe emotion and passion while dealing with its counterpart-numb to everything as a result of exhaustion. I’m feeling this yearning for companionship-one severe, and part of me wants to go back to the walls of self-sufficiency to be exempt from it. Yet, praise be to You, I am growing somewhat tired of those walls and becoming more ready to stand outside of it. I need not be so strong all the time, deriving from the strength that comes from residing in the walls I’ve built protecting myself from being affected. That only leaves me isolated. Being outside those walls is vulnerable and exposed, and I pray that with it doesn’t come a storm of its own due to the ills of my passion and emotion. But Lord, moreso I pray that it becomes a place where I can stay. That it becomes a place where I can heal from this last storm, and simply be where I am rather than having to cry out for help. And when the next storm comes, I’ll already be where I need to be-in the midst of companionship that will see the storm I am in and come to me.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Breaking of Steadfastness
I don’t understand why people have such a high view of me. Kirsten today told me how Professor Harlan (a teacher from 2 quarters ago that she now has) told her I was such a sweetheart. I've gotten a lot of various encouragement from people I hold dear as of late. I get this stuff over and over again from many different people. I don’t know. It’s not that I have a poor view of myself and that I don’t have any self-esteem, but it’s just not that. I don’t understand why people think so much of me.
It ties into the fact that John and I were talking about this weekend. I try too hard. When I was talking to Kyle last night, I realized a root source of that was being a Christian in a non-Christian family for several years, even a bit to this day. When I came to know the Lord, I had to seek Him out fully. I had to seek out fellowship, had to read the Word, had to develop all of these things largely on my own. I didn’t have my parents telling or encouraging me to do anything. It was upon my shoulders. In addition to that, my hearing loss has always been a source of me working harder. That’s a long story in itself left for later.
...
I want to lay again in a field of poppies, drinking in Your abundance and presence. I want to relive that drive-how it cleared my mind and took me to another place. Relaxed. Uninhibited to You.
Lord, I don’t know how to let that be my life in this time-that the variety the poppies and wildflowers brought also consists in my everyday-if I open my eyes to it. Life is surely a journey with many twists and turns, even the everyday.
Lord, there has been such a resolve in me to remain steadfast, and You are breaking it. You are teaching me what it means to ebb in the gentle waves of this life You have before me.
But it seems all I’ve known is what it is to be steadfast. So strong in resolve of knowing You, trusting You, seeking after You. And that steadfastness is a character in my everyday life as well-people know me as that. In many ways, it could be the foundation of which they base their other opinions of me on. Somehow, I’m a “sweetheart,” and being known as that largely comes from a steadfast character displayed by me as being a “sweetheart.” It doesn't come from me being a sweetheart some of the time and a jerk the others.
The interesting thing with this that I see now is that my own steadfastness has become a comfort. It has meant that I’m generally not subject to the changes of life, particularly the everyday, to affect me much. I think a reason why I am such a hard worker has been because the character trait of steadfastness has allowed for that-I generally don’t have the same day-to-day “life” distractions that most people feel. I am able to focus and get a tremendous amount of things done.
It seems like that is to start breaking now. That I need to learn to be a sailboat floating in the waves, bobbing up and down with it, rather than a powerboat cutting right through it unaffectedly. To recognize that there are times of change much more than just from season to season.
To somehow, become more human, whatever that means.
So often, I don’t truly recognize my weakness before You. And because of that, it limits Your divine intervention in my life as I don’t leave room for it. If I don’t allow there to be a need, then how can I accept Your provision for that need?
John says I try harder than anyone he knows. I never would’ve assumed that myself. Yet, that’s a strong statement, especially coming from him.
Why do I try so hard? And how do I stop trying so hard, when it’s so ingrained in me that I don’t even know what that means? Because, if you were to ask me, my first response would be that I’m not trying hard enough.
I want more of Your Holiness in my life. I want more of my character to display the heart You have given me. I want less of myself in the things I do and who I serve. I want less of me and more of You.
I see these things within me that need to be changed in order to reach these dreams.
But I cannot do it alone.
And though I want to, I can’t do it by trying, or even by remaining steadfast.
It seems like instead, I need to ride the waves in a sailboat, letting God steer the path. I need to feel every up and down and actually be a part of it. I need to let God show me and do those very things I desire on the course. As much as I tend to envision it to be, those things I desire are not an eventual destination. It is something that happens in the day-after-day, the continued reliance and trust upon Him.
Not by works, not by striving.
But by surrender.
By the breaking of steadfastness.
Friday, April 03, 2009
"You Make Everything Glorious"
It's been a stretching week in so many ways. I've continually had to come back to the truths I know as Satan has been throwing in every lie and scheme he can to distort what is good and pure in the refining process. I am reminded greatly this week that I am not saved by works or by any striving for perfection. My efforts are best spent accepting my humble state and allowing God to do what He will in it.
An excerpt from my journal entry this morning...
But Lord, I best bow down, accept my humble state, and allow You to do what You will with it. It is not by works that I am saved. It is not by striving for perfection that I am saved. It is by recognizing my need of You and remaining perpetually broken before You. Only in the brokenness can You truly make what You wish of me. May I be humble enough to remain there, but also confident enough in You to do what is best in Your sight, not in mine. May I direct my eyes to You, hold open my hands out before, and not look to anything else. It is in great weakness that I see great need. It is in great weakness that Your strength may be manifested and remain. May I find no pride in myself but only in Your glory shown through me. May You do as You wish.
Lord, this life is not an easy one as I am often reminded. But it is glorious. Beauty often comes from trials and pain. We often cannot truly understand what something is unless we have experienced the opposite. But may we recognize things and situations for what they are and what they can bring-often a truer light and greater picture than we have previously attained.
“My eyes are small, but they have seen
The beauty of enormous things
which leads me to believe
there’s light enough to see that
You make everything glorious,
You make everything glorious,
You make everything glorious,
And I am Yours.”
-David Crowder Band
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