Down this Road

There’s no greater pain I’ve known
a wrenching of the heart and a crippling of the throat
as I lie here in wait of Your deliverance
and Your promise be all I can hold
if I were to bottle it up for all time
it would surely explode
Yet in wait I continue to find
the journey of knowing You down this road

They spat on You, tore you down
cross on Your back, made thorns Your crown
Still they jeered as the nails went into Your feet
and celebrated when Your head finally went down
the love you gave they did not receive
eyes so blinded by the world of deceit
they turned their back on what You came to give
And caused You a greater pain than they would ever know

In this road, in this pain
I come to find You in wait
Showing me the love You give
And Your life You gave
In carrying my own cross I find the weight of yours
I feel the pain You own
With what it’s like to love
and have them never know

I lay in wait of Your deliverance
Yet in the pain I bear I’ve come to know
the life You gave in the love You’ve shown
and how we fail to make that our own
We can never be justified
in rejecting the One we know
because the greatest love You’ve given
is through the promise of knowing You down this road

A Needed Message

A message much needed tonight, from The Letters of Samuel Rutherford

Madam, when you are come to the other side of the water and have set down your foot on the shore of glorious eternity, and look back again to the waters and to your wearisome journey, and shall see in that clear glass of endless glory nearer to the bottom of God’s wisdom, you shall then be forced to say, “if God had done otherwise with me than he hath done, I had never come to the enjoying of this crown of glory.” It is your part now to believe, and suffer, and hope, and wait on: for I protest in the presence of that all-discerning eye who knoweth what I write and what I think, that I would not want the sweet experience of the consolations of God for all the bitterness of affliction; nay, whether God come to his children with a rod or a crown, if he come himself with it, it is well. Welcome, welcome Jesus, whatever way soever thou shall come, if we can get a sight of thee.

Pause

Main Entry:
pause
Function:
verb
Inflected Form(s):
paused; paus·ing
Date:
15th century
intransitive verb 1 : to stop temporarily 2 : to linger for a time

Though I know words can never fully define the movements and workings of God, if I were forced to pick a word that describes what He has me doing this summer, it would be the word Pause. I find it amazing that something I have so often prayed and hoped for, yet thought was unrealistic to do so, has actually come into fruition this summer. In so many ways, my life has paused while time keeps on playing simultaneously. It is a bizarre experience.

Yet there is so much purpose in it. God has physically put me in a place where I can rest fully, in the physical and spiritual terms of the word. I have needed it tremendously. I see it clearly now as I’ve been able to look back on the lessons He has taught me in the last couple of years, this last one in particular. A steep learning curve would be an understatement. The usage of the word lessons is really an understatement as well. It implies an act in which one obtains knowledge. I don’t underestimate the value of lessons, and I know God doesn’t either. But if we were to focus purely on the lessons we learn, we would only be focusing on one aspect the way we were created to live and act-coming to know and love God through our mind. In some ways I wonder if that is why I have craved time to reflect on said lessons in the past, because through that time I was able to tangibly grasp it through the processing of my mind. God has been doing something far greater over the last year-and that is through the “lessons” He has brought, He has been bringing me to love Him fully; with every aspect of my being. We were created with so many facilities to experience Him and the life He has given us; to limit the things He brings to just one aspect seems to belittle creation.

Obviously, the greatest commandment is “to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength.” I find it interesting just now as I look it up in my bible and when the command mind comes in, it comes in the Gospels when the Pharisees asked Jesus what the greatest commandment is. He replied “to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength.” However, mind is never mentioned in the cross references to that very passage in my bible. It comes from the Lord speaking to Moses to Israel, and all that is mentioned throughout the old testament is to “love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and strength.” Mind isn’t mentioned there. I’m not going to get into a theological exposition here and now, but it does strike my curiosity greatly.

Lately I have been finding myself overwhelmed at His character in every way. For the first time in my life one day last week, I wrote a one-sentence journal entry. It read, “Dear Lord, You are overwhelmingly beautiful…” That was all I could bring myself to say, all that my words could utter though my heart was overwhelmed with His presence. That has been one of the tremendous blessings of time pausing. For once I’m not so blinded by the burdens and responsibilities of everyday life that I so often let hinder me from the presence of God. With this pause, He is teaching me what it is to find Him, and find Him fully. I’m allowing Him to take my breath away because for once I am stopped from hindering the presence of God. The responsibility is not His to bring us into His presence; He is omnipresent. The responsibility is ours to strip away or push aside what hinders or holds us back from it. So often we are childlike not in our faith, but in how we handle what has been given to us. We are desperate to make excuses, to do anything that would keep the burden of responsibility on someone or something else. We also make blessings burdens. May we never do this injustice.

Time has paused in the place of my childhood and youth. I knew very clearly that I was to be home this summer several months ago, and one of those reasons is clear. I’m in this time in my life in between childhood/youth and the beginnings of adult life beckoning. In this pause, I have been able to see clearly what has laid behind me. Being back in the same environment in which I grew up in causes me to fall into old habits and ways of doing things. The main thing is my lack of vulnerability with my parents. There was a lot of stuff that happened in my childhood with my older brother, a long story in itself. My way of handling it or my response to it was to not let anything affect me. It was to force myself to be a steady, unwavering presence in my family, learning to work through things on my own or with my closest friend(s). My parents had so much on their plate already and the house was usually in more than enough turmoil that there simply wasn’t any room for me to be anything but steady. This way of being became so ingrained in my character over my childhood and youth, and God has had to largely break it over the past couple of years in college. Praise be to Him that He has. Yet, there has been more breaking, in a lot of ways, the final breaking, to happen here. I am to break this way of being in the very place it began. It is a tangible aspect of breaking one of the bondages of childhood and moving onto adulthood. I have been praying for opportunities for this to happen this summer. It came out of the blue last night. In a conversation with my parents about a lot of things to come, God broke me and helped me to be fully vulnerable with my parents. I can’t tell you what happened in it. It blessed all of us in so many unexpected ways. Fully beautiful, fully Him. I am home this summer to bring a closure to this aspect of my life, childhood, that hasn’t had a chance to be yet. More than that, I’m home to let God redeem these things of my childhood in order that I may move forward in what He has next.

It is good…but it is strange too. A perfect example is seeing a good friend of mine from high school get married yesterday. I have known her for seven years, since freshman year of high school. We wrote notes incessantly that first year we knew each other, and I read through the ones I have before her wedding. I found myself amazed at how much has changed since then. In reading those notes, it was like going back into time and fully understanding what life was like then for the first time. It made me appreciate all the more where we stand today, especially seeing her yesterday ready in every way to be married, to be a wife. God has shaped her in beautiful ways, many of which were unexpected to me. I am blessed to call her my friend, and I love that in many ways, we grew up together. Yet it is strange that I am at this age in my life where these things are happening, where people I know right around my age are getting engaged, married, even some having babies. In so many ways, that is the epitome of adult life to me. It encompasses all the challenges and blessings of that time. It has been so weird to have my life in pause while time has been playing around me. I see these people I have known since my youth entering full-fledged adulthood, ready to take on full responsibility, but more than that, ultimately, the fullest form of love shown on this earth, and that is to become one flesh with another. That is to enter a covenant of laying down your rights, entitlements, desires, wants, etc., for the better of another person. It is the ultimate form of love, and I find myself in this amazed wonder at how God has chosen this very love to show a picture of the love He has for us. It is so utterly profound. It is a mystery that we learn and walk in for the rest of our lives on this earth. It is no coincidence or mistake that God has designed this covenant between man and woman to be one of forever, through trials, blessings, pain, joy, all the things that life can bring-because that is the covenant we have with Him.

In this pause I am finding a contentment and joy that is contradictory. It is found equally in the past, present, and future. I see the foundation of the past, the joy of the present, and the promise of the future. It is all perfectly intertwined together, meant to be experienced as a unit rather than separate entities. It all perfectly bears the work and mark of our dear Creator, loving Father, precious Lord. It is strange, and it is foreign, because it is not of this world. But it’s where I’m supposed to be, and I rejoice in that. This overflow of my heart in this pause leaves me in no place to doubt, but to fully love, and that is the greatest commandment-to love. “To LOVE the Lord Your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.” We love Him in many different ways and should love Him in all ways, but we must remember our acts of doing are for the purpose to love…and that is the greatest of all.

What Have We to Say?

Blessings upon blessings
Trials of drought and fire
Heights of mountains to valleys deep
Knowledge given and knowledge stripped away
In the storm to the light of day
And one may wonder what have we to say?

When the words are all stripped away and I simply remain
When all knowledge and circumstance fade away
May I come to find You alone and long to bring You praise
Love’s breath has been spoken upon me
That You alone are all I need
For who You are is the greatest thing
And may love be the song I sing

Delight in wonder
Stand in awe
Look up and listen to the thunder
And hear the voice of His call
Can we hear Him speaking in it all?

When He strips the words away and we simply remain
When all knowledge and circumstance fade away
May we come to find Him alone and long to bring Him praise
His love’s breath has been spoken upon us
He alone is all we need
For who He be is the greatest thing
May love be the song we sing

A Summer's Eve

John said something a couple weeks ago about how blessed we are in SLO with the fellowship we have there. Though at the time he said it, I knew it was true, the meaning hasn't really sunk in fully until the past few days. I am incredibly blessed with the people in my life, though I often take their presence for granted.

And though this past almost month has been a blessing to be still and quiet before God with very few people around me (basically my family and John's family), I am missing people very much. I miss people in SLO quite a bit, but I realize the thing I am missing the most is the aspect of fellowship as a whole.

I am here in Colorado this summer, which is exactly where God has me. I see that clearly each day. Yet tonight, I see the necessity for being intentional in seeking out fellowship here, even with people I haven't seen in a long while.

There is a need to have multiple people in one's life, both for the pouring out and receiving. I realize I am much better for the people in my life if I have this.

I talked to my mom for a good while tonight, letting her in on my life, something I don't usually do. In the missing of fellowship, however, God still uses situations for His best--because I need to open up to my mom more. Through His grace, I was able to do so tonight.

There lies responsibility on my part to maintain and be a good steward of what God has given me, and I know I often fail at doing so. That is why I am so thankful to have a gracious, sovereign God who knows me full well and is in control of every situation and my entire life. I am nothing without Him.

A Greater Mystery Still...

Taken from my journal entry from tonight

But in this all, there is a greater mystery still. It is that of learning what it means to crucify myself to the fullest, and not with sorrow, but abounding joy. It is learning to praise You because You alone are worthy, not because of anything I have or will receive. It is learning to say, “Yes Lord,” in every circumstance regardless of trial, difficulty, or pain, because I choose to have the knowledge of who You are first and foremost. It is learning not to be swept up in the moments and situations of this world, but instead, swept up by who You are. It is about You and me in its own entity. It’s about not just knowing that You are more than enough, but letting You be more than enough. It’s about running to You in every circumstance, not just when I find myself in need. It’s about being put in my right position before You, Creator of earth, but also receiving the grace You have given to know You intimately. It’s about all of these things and so much more, because there is a greater mystery still. It’s a mystery that I cannot come to know in its fullest in this lifetime, but one I shall strive to seek evermore. There is an endless mystery that lies deep within You, the triune Godhead, and it is within that mystery I pray I always find myself.

Unconditional

There’s really no good place to begin, except with that God is more than enough. In all honesty, that should be the preface of my life and my first thought in everything I face and do. And praise be to Him who is teaching me this very thing.

I was driving home tonight down CO Highway 83 and was conversing with God about the multitude of things that lay on my heart, driving through tears. And there are still no words for the tenderness of His presence…that if one draws near, he/she will truly find Him. Throughout today I have found Him speaking to my heart with His truth and love, making difficult situations purposeful, in order that I may seek and find Him.

God has been laying the story of Abraham on my heart the past couple of days, especially in that He waited so many years for the promise of a son. I went and read Hebrews 11 last night, and God has since been opening my eyes to something deeper there…you can read the chapter here.

I have read the following part before but have never quite understood what was meant by it: 13 These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. 14 For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. 15 If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. 16 But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city.

As I read this over and over again last night along with some commentaries and cross references, I finally understood what was meant by them not receiving what was promised. The reference is to the promise of the Promised Land and also for a Messiah, and neither of them came in the aforementioned lifetimes. I’ve been letting that truth along with the other verses sink in over today, and with it, God has answered a lot of my prayers.

What hits me is that though none of those people received what was promised, their hope was not in vain. Their love for God was not conditional. Though these promises were made, they were not basing their faith on what they received, but rather, trust, hope, love. Would anyone of us look back on their stories and call them fools for waiting for something they never received in their lifetimes? I highly doubt it. I think so often we read this chapter from Hebrews and are moved by what God did in their lives by their measure of faith, but I think in that, we miss something more beautiful still—and that is what God didn’t do in their lives but how their faith remained.

I found this on one of my friend’s Facebook pages last night in how she described herself, and it spoke to me much along the same lines:
I'm striving for a goal that I will never reach during my life here. This may make me sound pessimistic, but it is the most encouraging truth to me. Striving after this ambition isn't always easy, but it always proves to be beautiful. Because I stand for something bigger than myself. And there is joy in the fact that letting go of everything else is enough.

Looking back on my life, I have always based my faith on promises received and the manifestation of such. I have looked to situations and blessings and challenges all as reasons to worship God; in other words, tangible things. I haven’t known what it means to worship God only because He is God, and let that be more than enough. He is making that distinction in my life, and bringing me ever more into His presence and grip. It’s now hard not to praise Him for who He is. But still, the lesson remains as my flesh is fickle and wants to look to these tangible things first as reason to draw near to Him. In this, God has been asking me the question of “what would you do and your response be if nothing and no one else in this world remained but Me?” And if I can’t answer that question being fully found in peace, then I deem I am not dwelling in the truths and presence of God…

Because He is always more than enough.

And today, I have found Him speaking both in general and in a couple of specific situations, that my hope is not in vain. There are promises upon which I continue to wait, and at times, do not see the manifestation of the fulfilling of; yet because I place my trust in the Most High and dwell in the truths and promises of His word, I know my hope is not in vain. But in the hoping, there is waiting. In the waiting, there is trust. And in the trust, there better be God, because anything else will fall away.

In the waiting, there comes this need to place my full faith in One alone, even if I may never see or receive promises made in this lifetime. Just like the people mentioned in Hebrews 11, there were promises God fulfilled in their lifetimes and others He did not. I’ve been praying and asking God how I am to love selflessly, and His answer was clear tonight. It is in the waiting. It is in the placing my trust in One greater that He is more than enough regardless if I receive anything tangible in my lifetime. The waiting strips away myself and my desires, because I can’t seek out what I want or hope for. And my love must be great enough to continue and persevere even if I never receive anything I hope for or that is promised.

Because that’s unconditional love.

Because that’s unconditional faith.

Because He is always more than enough.

And He is always more than worthy of all my praise.