5,087 Miles in 16 days...

...traveled all by car. The first bout was a drive home to Colorado with John from SLO; the second was a trip with my parents all over the west; particularly, Canada. Here is a map of the route I've traveled, with the places I particularly spent time in highlighted.

As I'm home tonight, I continue to find myself quieted. That was one of many purposes of God having me on these trips, and it is so good. Perhaps in time, I will write more about what God has been doing and teaching me, but tonight is not the night.

Until He beckons me to, I will remain quiet, and let Him speak for Himself.

Tearing the Curtain

Edmonton, Alberta, Canada at 9:15 PM

I have never experienced 17 hours of continual daylight before. But as I sit in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada on vacation with my parents, I have been experiencing that very thing. I don’t see it as mere coincidence that I am so far north when the solstice happens (tomorrow).
I find my body is governed by light. Being here has reminded me of being a kid in the summer and having to go to bed before the sun set. It seemed unnatural to do so. It was the same thing last night, as the sun didn’t set until after 10 p.m. I was (and am) energized by the daylight, and I can’t bring myself to sleep as long as the sun is still out. But my mom was tired last night and so we pulled the blackout curtains over our three large hotel windows around 9:30 p.m., well before the sun set. I couldn’t help but feel we were doing such injustice. It was hard for me to understand last night why I felt such a way, but after some time being still over the river tonight, God revealed why.

It felt like such an injustice because we were exerting our control over a situation that shouldn’t have been. So often we cover the light because it is inconvenient to our circumstances. We exert our control far too much. What we fail to remember and recognize is that beyond the closed curtain, the light keeps on shining—and we can never change that. So why do we ignore it? Why do we not allow it to teach us? We fail to recognize that there is much waiting for us behind the curtain.

It put into words what I know I so often do. God’s light penetrates and exposes my true condition, for there is nothing for me to hide behind. But so often, I too, pull back the curtain because it seems a time of brokenness or exposure is inconvenient. I would rather see the light when I choose to do so. What I fail to remember in that is that the light continues to shine behind my own curtain, and I only prolong what the exposure will bring. I realize that when the light is uncomfortable to me, it probably means I am not in it enough, that I have been in the darkness too long and I am having to adjust to the new condition. I must allow God to shine his sovereign light over me at all times and realize the exposure and brokenness is good. It always is, even if it is often difficult. It puts me in my proper position before my Creator, realizing I am mere dust and it is only through His breath I am who I am.

I was remembering the Tabernacle tonight and how there were two curtains before the inner court, where the Holies of Holies was found. Sacrifices had to be presented on the altar in the inner court, and not just once. Then I remembered when Jesus gave his Spirit up upon the cross and breathed His last breath, it was then the curtain in the temple was torn. It is a beautiful picture of how when His sacrifice was complete, the barriers “preventing” us from attaining access to the Father directly were torn down and away. We can now draw near directly to the Father through Jesus. There is no more veil preventing us from seeing Him directly.

I wonder how often I and others still live as if we are under the Old law, and in a sense, use the curtain as an excuse not to see the Holies of Holies? We do such injustice when we do such a thing, because we fail to recognize what the Father has done for us through the sacrifice of His son…we choose not to allow ourselves to be fully redeemed and continue to present sacrifices upon the altar in place of ourselves. May we be done away with the old and move to the new—the curtain torn down, exposing the light, and fall down at the altar before our Father. We have been bought at such a price to do so—let us never take it in vain.

Therefore, brethren, since we have confidence to enter the holy place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way which He inaugurated for us through the veil, that is, His flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful; and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near. Hebrews 10:19-25

Conundrum

Journal entry from tonight

Dear Lord,

The lyrics of Hosanna by Hillsong describe my heart’s cry well tonight.

I see the king of glory
Coming down the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes, the whole earth shakes
I see his love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing, the people sing

Chorus
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest

I see a generation
Rising up to take the place
With selfless faith, with selfless faith
I see a new revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees, we're on our knees

Bridge
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

I find myself in a conundrum of sorts. I find myself desperately wanting to come before You and pour out my heart because You know me better than anyone; yet at the same time I sit in Your presence and feel that there is no reason for me to do so, as I am a trifle thing compared to You. There is none like You. I sit and contemplate Your creation and I am amazed. I went to Montana de Oro today with Elise briefly, and we sat on the rocky beach as the waves crashed hard against the shore. It was a simply beautiful day. We drove back through the valley and spoke of how the world we live in is incredible, yet it is not even a fraction of all that exists. I recall the movie I saw at church this morning in which the earth from space was shown and it put me in my place. I am nothing.

I was reading the news tonight of the new tribe they found in the Amazon jungle and I was frozen in place, struck speechless and moved unlike any other. I can’t put into words exactly what I felt when I was looking at the pictures and reading the articles of it. Perhaps it was something of the nature that these are a group of people never seen before, never interacted with civilization as we know it. You could see that in the pictures of them wearing war paint shooting arrows at the plane. Perhaps it was the aspect that those people are Yours. They may be sheep not of this fold as Bryan talked about at church this morning, but You are their Shepherd. There is such a rawness about them that is incredibly compelling. In so many ways they seem undefiled by this world and what it has created, away from any form of civilization and living on their own by only all they know. With that, there is so little they know about the world which I see as both a blessing and not. These people have never heard of You, my Lord. I remember reading Jim Eliot’s writings for the first time and being left speechless. I still am to some extent. Lord, I am put in my place in that this world is so much bigger than me, from the largest of countries as a whole to the smallest of tribes that have never been reached. I can’t wrap my mind around it.

I went to Liz and Brian Crawford's house today as they gave a presentation about what they are doing next year in Israel, and even still it expanded my world view more. I’ve largely been wrapped up in the region of East Asia as Elise and others are going there next year and this summer, but even still, that’s just a fraction of the world. Who am I in the grand scheme of things? I am nothing.

Yet I am still a sheep of Your flock known and called by name; You know me full well. I’m blown away that in the magnitude of Your creation that You could know me as intimately as You do. It humbles me to know that You choose to know me, to bestow Your love upon me. There is nothing I could ever do to deserve it.

I feel selfish tonight wanting to come before You to pour out my heart to You in light of my position. Out of all of the divine mysteries in this world, what could there be to be said about my life? I don’t want to be so inwardly focused upon myself and what I am learning and going through that I miss sight of the greater picture. I know I run that danger often times. When I look at the world and see Your sovereign hand in it all, I’m amazed. When I look in the part of the world You have me in for this time and see what You are doing, I’m amazed. When I spend time with my closest friends and hear and experience what You are doing in their lives, it often moves me to tears and brings me such joy. I see my newly married friend learning about the covenant of love You have given her and her husband and bestowed upon her and You. I see my friends in Greek ministry ministering and loving those we often choose to look around or ignore because of false stereotypes or inability to relate. I see my roommates and how they are all seeking and finding You in their most unique of ways. I see my love learning what it means to allow You to move his heart and for him to respond accordingly, and it’s beautiful to see and experience. I see my best friend exemplifying what it means to die to herself daily, taking up Your cross, and following You wholeheartedly, no matter what the cost. These people inspire me greatly. I see and experience Your tangible work in their lives.

So why am I also here wanting to look at my life? I think I’ve strongly been desiring to reflect upon what You have been doing in me over this year because You have been changing and refining me tremendously. I want to sit in Your presence and see what that is. At the same time, I see how there are still and forever will be so many things I still don’t understand and have not attained. I’m reminded of this daily, praise be to You. I want to come and seek You out so I may grow in these ways and become more like You. I don’t want to miss out on what You have for me, because I know Your promise in that those who seek You with their whole heart will find You. I want to throw everything I am and have into that. Though I know the road You have us walk after You is not an easy one, I still choose it and want to follow You wholeheartedly, because unlike any other road, this one has the sweetness and security of Your presence. I want to rejoice in what You’ve been doing around me. I want to pray for what You’re doing in me. I want to ask You to search my heart for any offensive way in me, so that I may be pure in Your sight. I want to look at my life because it’s one of the most tangible ways in which I KNOW You and experience You. You speak my language, my dear Lord; You communicate to me best of anyone. You know what brings me to the highest of heights and the lowest of depths. I want to rest in Your presence because You know me full well; I don’t have to hide or try to explain things to You. There is a comfort and security found in You unlike any other. You are my Shepherd, and I know Your voice. I want to run after You.

I wish I knew how to resolve these extremes, because I feel like I can be either so inwardly focused and lose sight of who I am in relation to You and the world or so focused on the world that I lose sight of who You are to me personally. I wish I knew how to be aware of both at the same time. I realize that it is not about me; yet I also realize that You desire to know me. It’s a conundrum.

Yet in the midst of resolving this, I hold fast that You are fully sovereign and good not just in my life but in all of creation. You surely have shown Yourself to be so. I praise You, my dear Lord. I love You tremendously.