Intricacies

These tears have wet my face and dried again
Sitting in the silence that probes my heart
Wrestling with where I am and where I should be
These things not easily changed
Oh that my heart’s desires would be of the purest nature
Seeking to glorify You in all
For nothing I deserve, but willingly You bestow
And how do I get my heart to agree that Your provision for the moment
Is more than enough?
Where is the line drawn between You and me?
What is of You and what have I taken in my hands?
My heart beats and my breaths are labored
A paradox between fear and surrender to You
How do I give my all yet hold back and wait at the same time
Wait on Your leading that only You can give
A struggle for contentment is where I am
For this heart You have created wants nothing but to love in full force
Am I quenching the fire that is meant to be kindled and burned
By wanting to go forth?
I seek You and ask You, the Creator of my inmost being
The shaper of my heart
That by Your grace You show me the way
To navigate the complex intricacies of my heart

Sign of Your Coming

We ask you for the sign of your coming
We want to know when you will be here
You answered with a sigh and refused
You knew that still we did not hear

Our hearts are hardened still
Our eyes are blind and we don’t see
That You are the Lord that fed the thousands
And You are the Lord who rules for all eternity

And why do we come to you and ask for what we already have?
And why do we seek answers that have already been given?
It’s our dull perception, our shallow hearts that rule us still
It’s our inability to stand that leaves us here to question you more
And ask for a sign of Your coming when You are already here

You know the truth but it has yet to take root
You have seen all the things that only I can do
I wonder why still don’t you see
I wonder why still don’t you believe

Your hearts are hardened still
Your eyes are blind and you don’t see
That I am the Lord that fed the thousands
And I am the Lord who will rule for all eternity

So why do you come to me and ask for what you already have?
And why do you seek answers that I have already given?
It’s your dull perception, your shallow hearts that rule you still
It’s your inability to stand on your own that makes you question me more
You ask for a sign of my coming when I am already here

Mark 8:1-21

How Sweet

How sweet is the melody of a thousand tongues singing
All in unison as the praise rises up through the room
It’s deeper than the words that are sung
It’s a thousand hearts in tune
To hear the whispers of their Creator
And walk in the way He wishes us to do

How sweet is the act of a sacrifice
Knowing there’s nothing greater but to pay the price
To die to oneself and a deeper life seek and find
To shatter false perceptions and leave them behind
It’s the love of our Creator that moves us so
To walk in the way He wishes us to go

How sweet is the harmony of all becoming one
Breaking down those walls that have been up far too long
It’s the act of being broken and willing to change
It’s the act of worship and giving Him the praise
Through Him we will find a love that surpasses all time
And beckons us to walk in the way He did so

[collections of thoughts] + [living in the spirit] = the power of Jesus' name!

I wish I had a picture of this project that was done in my class this past week. We had to take an image or idea prevalent in culture and change its meaning. One person took a painting of Jesus and put a face shot of Oprah over His head. It was one of those things that made you realize that sadly, it is true. Our culture today looks to what those in power around us do, and from that, derive moral standards and beliefs. Where Jesus should reign in all hearts of men, people such as Oprah have taken the place.

Casting Crowns even wrote about this in their song titled “What if His people prayed.” The lyrics go:
what if the life that we pursue
came from a hunger for the truth
what if the family turned to Jesus
stopped asking Oprah what to do?

This resonated throughout my mind as we discussed this project in our class. However, this thing one girl in my class has stuck with me several days later…we were talking somewhere along the lines of what justifies a person’s head to take the place of Jesus’.

“But [Oprah] is good. I mean, she helps people in Africa and builds houses and stuff. I mean, I like her.”

I was heartbroken when I heard this…for the definition of “good” in today’s culture is so skewed. But I also found tremendous hope as I realized that she has seen nothing yet. She thinks that Oprah is good? Well okay, yeah you could say that she is.

But my Lord is so much better…and how He will one day blow her away by what is truly good…that is Him alone.

This along with many other things said within our critique got me incredibly excited as I truly began to see why God has placed me in the art department. These people are passionate about what they do and what they believe and give their all to something. How amazing will it be to see God move and take place in the hearts of those around me. I am excited for the opportunity to tell of my Lord, of His amazing love, of His saving grace, and how through Him we can be reconciled to the father…that is something to be passionate about.

[transition]

I have found myself thinking and praying about the VA Tech situation. I know two girls who go there, as they were on my summer project in Santa Monica this past summer. One was in a locked down classroom at the time of the rampage. I find myself bewildered at the contrast of what I have felt…at times incredibly heartbroken at what has happened, but overall I have felt an incredible peace surrounding it all. God has given me no reason to doubt His sovereignty which I know will be revealed in this.

It is through those tears that repentance of the human condition comes.

It is through those tears that the realization that grace is needed is reached.

It is through those tears that strangers are brought together and a country united, because sadly, that’s what it seems to take now.

It is through those tears that God is able to reveal Himself to the brokenhearted.

And it’s through those tears that hearts are turned and brought to our Creator.

We talked today at church about why God lets evil happen. He is full of love but also full of justice. He is full of patience but wants his people to “call upon his name, humble themselves and pray, seek His face, and turn from their wicked ways…” it is then that He will “hear from heaven and forgive their sin and will heal their land.” (2 Chronicles 7:14)

And if that weren’t enough to comfort me, I am reminded of one of my dear sisters from project that goes to VA tech, Aicel. I didn’t get to know her very deeply this summer, but how I got to see glimpses of her heart…so incredibly beautiful. How I felt this summer God was preparing her for something so great…for she has a heart for the brokenhearted and for our Father that I have seldom seen. I feel great things are going to happen to her and especially through her. I eagerly await what happens…

[transition]

Living a life of interruption hasn’t always been easy for me. God has been breaking me in this especially this quarter as I generally have to live moment by moment, day by day. But when my schedule is so rigid, I don’t allow Him the opportunity to move... it is good being spontaneous and opening myself up to what He has for me. Yesterday was a prime example of this. Kirsten and I spontaneously decided to go get ice cream and candy to make our own blizzards late into the evening, and when we were checking out, we had a cashier that didn’t even look me in the eye. She was downcast, and so I took the opportunity to ask her how she was doing and she honestly answered me in how she was tired of working the weekend nights…partially due to the large number of somewhat disrespectful college students coming in for their party needs. No one ever asks her how she is. All she does is scan the next items coming down the conveyor belt as various people spend their money and waste their time on pursuing something temporal. It was good to speak to her and encourage her at least somewhat, I hope.

Oh if we would just open our eyes to those people around us, to the opportunities we have! The world is so much bigger than the bubble we choose to reside in. Pop it. The elements outside are guaranteed to be dangerous and uncomfortable, but who really cares? God is for us, who can be against us? Why do we hold back what He wants to do in the hearts of those around us and especially in our own cold, hard hearts? We don’t know how to fully love and love correctly because we don’t realize that God is love. We don’t look to Him to give us the source of what He wishes us to give to others. Bryan, our pastor, echoed a sentiment of culture today, in saying that when we learn to love ourselves first, then we can learn to love others. This is so wrong! God is love. God is love. GOD IS LOVE.

How can we ever expect to learn it and receive it when we are not willing to go in the way that He desires us to go, to be soft for the shaping He wishes to do? We ask why we do not understand when we don’t even try to understand. We ask questions of Him that He has already answered. We don’t walk in faith and trust the Living God that He knows us best and that He is fully sovereign, including His plan for the entire world and its redemption, and the return of our King.

It is time to change…

I praise Him for that change I have been seeing in the hearts of those around me. That we may turn from the lies that we have long believed about Him…things will change greatly! It is a beautiful redemption…simply beautiful.

[summary]

I talked to my roommate earlier this week about a few things concerning spiritual warfare and was struck by how it’s the power of Jesus’ name that changes things.

It’s Jesus.

That’s all that needs to be said.

Believe that He is who He says He is.

Proclaim the power of Jesus’ name!

Inadequacies Exposed

“I know, O Lord, that a man’s life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps.” Jeremiah 10:23

"Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God.” 2 Corinthians 3:5

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10

I come writing tonight not having it all together. I come just as I am, not having the answers but rather struggling through the journey to them. I come knowing that I am fully in God's hands but also realizing that I must continue to trust Him with myself. I come with my weaknesses and inadequacies exposed...and realizing how much I fall short of having peace in what God is doing with this, such as Paul above.

I feel as if my weak points are being exposed and magnified both in my eyes and in others. A realization of my faults for sure; that is certainly a part of it. However, there's another part I have also been struggling greatly with.

God is teaching me that I need to be dependent...and every part of my independent flesh wants to bitterly oppose it. It is easier to look out for oneself and only look to God alone, but God is showing me that is not how it is to be any longer. I've been learning that I need to be dependent on Christ, for I am nothing apart from Him, and now He is especially teaching me that there is much He is going to do in my relationships with other people-if I am willing to be vulnerable and dependent. A big part of this quarter is that God is going to teach me significantly through other people. I have already seen this greatly...amazing. Yet I find myself continuing to come back to the fact that this requires a trust in Him like no other...trusting that He has my best interests in mind by putting me in a position to be dependent, and trusting that He will overcome any shortcomings in those people around me that might occur. I see myself so nervous at the possibilities of shortcomings or disappointments that it's so easy for me to retreat back into what I have always done in the past...trust myself alone.

And for those of you who know me well, you will know how much I really hate being needy. I hate feeling needy and being a burden to others. I think I've always had a negative connotation of that word. Many pictures come to my mind when thinking about it, but if I would think of a word to describe it, helpless would be the first coming to mind. God's shattering my definitions with this...I don't know exactly all that it looks like. I've been realizing over this week in particular that I am not meant to walk this road alone...and that is what I have been doing in large part. The times of wanting to be alone are becoming fewer and shorter...a somewhat scary reality for an independent person such as me.

And how greatly I struggle and am learning to trust God with the desires of my heart...that what I want so desperately will be fulfilled in the way He thinks best...how I don't want to make His beautiful plans for me my own, as they should never be. I feel like I want and expect too much now and that I'm having to lower my expectations so that I won't get hurt or disappointed... the thought of desiring the greater gifts is daunting to me right now.

This is a hard road...with inadequacies and weaknesses exposed, I'm even more vulnerable to spiritual attack. And over and over again I come back to the fact that God is asking for my complete faith in Him...to fully trust Him. Do I really do that? No, but I pray that I am learning to. I don't know anything else to do.

Growth

I sit here this morning before my classes watching the wind blow the blades of grass that have grown rather tall on this hill outside my window. The hill is a bit paler green than it was, so at first glance it makes one think that it is beginning to die. However, this is so far from the truth. When one looks closer, it can be seen that each blade of grass has multiplied in a sense. Seeds have burst forth and has made the blade of grass fuller and able to grow more. It's so full that at times it hides the beautiful wildflowers beginning to bloom. They are not always visible because they are shadowed by the grass, but they are there in full beauty. It's been a long while since I've seen purple wildflowers...

I found myself so struck last night at the growth I have seen around me. We were in bible study for the first time in a while, and it was the same girls that I have been with since the beginning of my freshman year, and even my roommate from last year was back. I have seen growth in our bible study as a whole, but I have seen so much growth individually. These girls around me have been soft for the shaping and God is transforming them so beautifully. I looked at each one last night and found them to be doing the thing that she used to hate doing the most, whether that be vulnerability, speaking words, asking questions and probing faith, embracing and forsaking weak points, becoming a leader, a heart for ministry, and even wrestling with our Creator and the shaping being done within. It is amazing to me to look back on where they all have been and remain thankful that I have been able to see it. I find myself baffled a bit today as well at the fact that I was able to pour into these girls intentionally last year, whether that be time, prayer, or other things. It is cool to see how they have changed...

Yet I know it's not of me. I am so quick to claim credit or praise for things and I can't do that...these things only come (or should only come) as an overflow of what God is doing in my own heart. Praise should only be to Him-He is the changer and shaper of hearts alone. I sit here in a strange kind of peace this morning wondering what ways I have grown. I was wrestling with this question a couple weeks back, and honestly, I don't know. As I sat in bible study last night, I felt like there wasn't much growth on my part since last year. I have to remember that this year has not been one of outward change, but rather within, especially in the heart. I have to continue to trust that God is doing His good work in me, even if it's not always apparent. It is so beautiful to see the people around me growing like the blades of grass and know it's just beginning. Perhaps right now I'm a wildflower beginning to bloom...you just can't see it yet.

Nothing Better

There is so much I can say about what God is doing in and around me...but that is not the point. God is bigger than all things, especially my words. I was journaling tonight and recounting different things which I know God desires me to do for myself. But I'm not really supposed to say much right now. I am not the one in which God will reveal Himself through...it is Him alone, and always will be.

All I'm supposed to say right now is open your eyes and see Him moving and working. See His infallible ways, His incredible beauty, His love like no other...fall into love with Him, let His peace and presence consume You, and always desire and walk in the better way...

There is nothing better...I am convinced of that...

The Eve

It's the eve of a new quarter and I find I must dwelve into simplicity for the time being. I need to let God simply be who He is...He is always more than enough.

I don't know what is in store, and I find myself with an anticipation that is one of a bit nervous but excited kind. I feel on the brink of something yet in a waiting period still...

And with a vase breaking today and then a coffeepot breaking in the exact same spot several hours later, something is different...

I will wait to see what that is.

Until that time, let me remain in the presence of the Most High. He is altogether worthy!