Honesty of a Heavy Heart

I write with a heavy heart today with reasons not exactly pinpointed or known. The dark clouds outside that are laden with rain to come seem to magnify this more. The words of Jesus and the song we sung today at church keep running through my mind… “I will trust in the Lord my God, live to sing of unfailing love, everyday my soul will sing, how great this love, how great this love…” … “Even the youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall, but those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength, they will mount up on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint.”… “The spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor, he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted...” “See that you do not refuse him who is speaking. For if they did not escape when they refused him who warned them on earth, much less will we escape him who warns from heaven….the removal of things that are shaken leaves only those things that cannot be shaken.”

And more keeps running through my mind and heart besides these things. Everyday I feel like I should be sitting down for hours and hours to write and understand because there is so much…so much that is happening and that cannot be contained. There is such a stirring in my heart and who I am that continues to consume me. I see the triumphs that God is doing in me while seeing my failings ever so. The magnitude of each overwhelms me. I think perhaps I have been learning to accept God’s strength and grace in the things that He is triumphing in, but I think still I neglect His grace in my failings. I wonder if God is removing those things that can be shaken in order that only what cannot be shaken remains. I have seen Him doing such things in my life for some time now. Yet I think in that process, the things that are unshakable appear to be shaken by Satan in an attempt to pull us down, cause us to doubt, not fully trust.

I wrote my best friend back home an email this week, explaining what God is doing and asking for her wisdom in spiritual attacks I have been severely facing. She replied saying something of the measure that Satan bitterly opposes those who are pure and righteous because our purity in the Lord is so huge and makes us more powerful in the spiritual realms. I don’t know where I stand in the pure and righteous, but I know where I stand in the measure of spiritual attack. My dreams, times in which God would so clearly speak to me and allow me to rest in him, have lately been defiled in every way by Satan. Satan is attacking me the most in the area where my defenses are the weakest. And those things affect me the most. I feel more defeated in those attacks than all the others combined. Because the others, I see where they come from and can easily rebuke them. These, I feel blindsided by.

And I think these attacks only magnify the aspect of me being an individual to its fullest. I desire so much to have someone fight for me and lead me and guide me in a way that I don’t feel so brazenly alone at times. I have learned much about the measure and importance of honesty over the last year and how that allows people to enter in and walk alongside me. In this though, I don’t know its role well. I feel like though it’s of Satan, I see its potential for harm more than I see it for good. I see the need and know the importance of clinging to Jesus and His truth more than ever in these attacks. Perhaps I’m not letting him fully come to me and receiving Him. Or perhaps I am needing someone to come alongside me and lead me in the way to His arms…because in this, I feel wounded and scarred, unable to carry myself to the
table where I don’t belong.

This is the honesty of my heavy heart.

On the Brink

I haven’t written anything specifically on here in a while, almost a month and a half. I haven’t been led to in this time, and am still not quite led to. There has been a necessity to allude to things that God is doing in hopes that people who read this would seek out God in the greater mystery of it all. There has been a necessity to not attempt to scientifically lay everything out like a lab report of what has been happening, but rather let choice language and words be composed with one another to allow God to sing a greater song through the words written.
There has been a movement in my heart and around me unlike any other that surpasses words. There’s been a melody shaping and taking its root deep within that comes only from God. He has been consuming me from the inside out…

And even still, tonight I am not yet to get into specifics. I strongly feel that time beginning to come to an end as God leads me into what comes next.

But what I can say tonight is that the grand scheme and scale of things is far beyond anything tangible that we can hold onto and understand. I know that at least with me, I have felt like I have been living a life that just doesn’t seem quite real. It doesn’t seem like I am actually living this, actually experiencing what is happening. The words of Isaiah ring so true in that the Lord’s thoughts and ways are so much higher than mine, and the words of David saying that such knowledge is too lofty for him to attain resonate within my heart. What keeps taking me by surprise is God continues to lead and grant knowledge as to what He is doing and how I am to respond. Yet with that, I think the proportion of how much I understand and His actual thoughts remains consistent; I still have barely scratched the surface.

I have been seeing and experiencing the spiritual realm like no other lately. God is doing a tremendous work and with that, Satan is bitterly fighting it. My best friend asked me last night “how are you doing?” and I replied that I am fine. I am fine. I am firmly planted on the rock and my feet are not shaken. What may appear to make me “not fine” is the amount of what is happening to me and through me and around me. The spiritual realm of Heaven and Hell are surely battling it out. However, in the midst of it, I am seldom fazed because it is a battle that has already been won. Jesus said he saw Satan fall from the sky like lightning. He has no authority in Heaven; he has been cast out. He still bitterly fights, but he fights a losing battle. In the midst of all of the spiritual warfare I have been experiencing, there has been such a great peace because I know my God is victorious. He has already won.

And I know that with such opposition from Satan, God is doing a tremendous work. With me personally, there is a tremendous anointing happening upon me…and again, I am not yet going to get into specifics, but I find myself floored at it and what it entails. I find myself amazed that I am not really overwhelmed by it, and it is amazing to see the work God has done in my heart. These things don’t overwhelm me because they are not in my own and are not in my hands.

You see, more now than ever God has been teaching me what a true surrender to Him truly looks like. I have been seeing the ways I so miserably fail in this but have also been seeing the triumphant areas in which Jesus has conquered. With this anointing, I know nothing better to do but be fully surrendered. It’s the deepest desire of my heart because I remain incredibly humbled that God would have me in this position. I’m incredibly humbled because I look back on my life and see different aspects of what God has done and how they all come together in its own time…the magnitude of it I can’t comprehend though. It is so far beyond me and I only know in part. But that part I know now…how incredible it is!

Because here I am, 21 years old, and I feel as if my life could be culminating with the grand things that are happening and are on the brink…yet I find myself completely dumbfounded at how this is only just a fragment of what God has yet to do. How great is our God. How GREAT is our God…

And perhaps this is where I am to leave it tonight…that no matter where you are at, God has your life ordained in such incredible ways that you may not know of now or for quite some time, or even at all. But God did not create you in vain. He created You with the greatest love of all time, and He surely has a plan and purpose for all things. He will make His glory known. And He will make his pursuit of you evident. All he requires is your heart and your surrender…
And trust me. Regardless of anything else, at His feet is the best place to be.

A Month Now...

It’s been almost a month now
Since the last form of help was left behind
I took the step off the edge
Leaped over the barrier
Only to be left to continuously find
The deeper graces of You
The deeper strengths of You
The deeper love of You
The deeper heart of You

My world has been peppered by screams
And gradually increasing noise
A world once silent is now
Becoming a world alive
Each element within it possessing its own voice
A voice of passion
A voice of apathy
A voice of stirring
A voice of vibrancy

Each day is a brand new surrender
To learn to listen and to fully trust
Sovereign ways higher than mine
Sovereign grace beyond mine
Remembering human beings came out of dust
So springs up a new thing
May I now perceive
The richness of You
The fullness of You
The splendor of You
The pursuit of me by You alone

To Fall and to Land

You hold the grains of sand in the grip of your hand
Opening Your palm You let them fall
Each takes its own course in the downward force
Though remaining part of the greater scheme of it all
They seem to fall to disorder and disarray
Landing in places where no pattern can be found
It seems contrary to the control of Your hand
For they appear terribly scattered about
Yet stepping away and looking again
One finds they are beautifully contained
Individually they may not make sense
In the greater scheme they lay not in vain
For what seldom makes sense at the present
Could be just the falling of the sand
It will take its course
And in time, it will land
For they are sands within the hourglass falling as they may
All within Your sovereign control according to Your plan
We must look beyond just the one
And see the all that lies within Your hands

Neos

I’m seeing the world with new eyes
New ears, new heart, new mind
It’s like a treasure journey that leads me deep
In order that I may seek and truly find
I don’t know what the destination is
But the journey surely is the ride of my life

I wonder if it’s a flower that has been growing
Simply waiting for its time to bloom
It needed its nurturing and seclusion still
For its proper time to leave its womb
And as it breaks it keeps showing
Beauty that hasn’t been revealed a moment too soon

I can imagine it’s like being born for the first time
New hands and feet as a newborn cries
He enters the world foreign and unknown
Only for the first time to open his eyes
He hears the voice of his mother and father
And it’s love for a lifetime

What is it like to be still
When the world keeps on passing by
One observes and absorbs a greater deal
Instead of letting a miracle simply fly
A song comes into the heart
And becomes the worshipper’s cry


New ears, new heart, new mind.



I’m not going to let a miracle simply fly




Because it’s just the beginning





Of the greatest love song of all time.