I write with a heavy heart today with reasons not exactly pinpointed or known. The dark clouds outside that are laden with rain to come seem to magnify this more. The words of Jesus and the song we sung today at church keep running through my mind… “I will trust in the Lord my God, live to sing of unfailing love, everyday my soul will sing, how great this love, how great this love…” … “Even the youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall, but those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength, they will mount up on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint.”… “The spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor, he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted...” “See that you do not refuse him who is speaking. For if they did not escape when they refused him who warned them on earth, much less will we escape him who warns from heaven….the removal of things that are shaken leaves only those things that cannot be shaken.”
And more keeps running through my mind and heart besides these things. Everyday I feel like I should be sitting down for hours and hours to write and understand because there is so much…so much that is happening and that cannot be contained. There is such a stirring in my heart and who I am that continues to consume me. I see the triumphs that God is doing in me while seeing my failings ever so. The magnitude of each overwhelms me. I think perhaps I have been learning to accept God’s strength and grace in the things that He is triumphing in, but I think still I neglect His grace in my failings. I wonder if God is removing those things that can be shaken in order that only what cannot be shaken remains. I have seen Him doing such things in my life for some time now. Yet I think in that process, the things that are unshakable appear to be shaken by Satan in an attempt to pull us down, cause us to doubt, not fully trust.
I wrote my best friend back home an email this week, explaining what God is doing and asking for her wisdom in spiritual attacks I have been severely facing. She replied saying something of the measure that Satan bitterly opposes those who are pure and righteous because our purity in the Lord is so huge and makes us more powerful in the spiritual realms. I don’t know where I stand in the pure and righteous, but I know where I stand in the measure of spiritual attack. My dreams, times in which God would so clearly speak to me and allow me to rest in him, have lately been defiled in every way by Satan. Satan is attacking me the most in the area where my defenses are the weakest. And those things affect me the most. I feel more defeated in those attacks than all the others combined. Because the others, I see where they come from and can easily rebuke them. These, I feel blindsided by.
And I think these attacks only magnify the aspect of me being an individual to its fullest. I desire so much to have someone fight for me and lead me and guide me in a way that I don’t feel so brazenly alone at times. I have learned much about the measure and importance of honesty over the last year and how that allows people to enter in and walk alongside me. In this though, I don’t know its role well. I feel like though it’s of Satan, I see its potential for harm more than I see it for good. I see the need and know the importance of clinging to Jesus and His truth more than ever in these attacks. Perhaps I’m not letting him fully come to me and receiving Him. Or perhaps I am needing someone to come alongside me and lead me in the way to His arms…because in this, I feel wounded and scarred, unable to carry myself to the
table where I don’t belong.
This is the honesty of my heavy heart.
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