After having a couple of days to think about the hike I took last week, I'm able to see it from a fresh perspective. Praise God that He opens my eyes because I wasn't.
Going into Friday's hike I was utterly exhausted in every way: physically, mentally, and emotionally. I was not prepared for the hike by any means. I was thinking about the valley metaphor, and how in the valley there are many different trails to choose from; yet there are some we are predestined to take. God strongly leads us there, and does so for our own benefit. That's how this trail and hike was for me. I didn't choose it, but I was supposed to be there for the things God would teach me in that time.
The day was very hot and we didn't have enough water. We were all sweating profusely as our bodies tried to cool themselves down. I felt sick at the beginning and my muscles didn't take long to get tired. All of these things seemed to point to this hike not being a good idea for me personally, and yeah, my attitude reflected it too. I didn't want to be there, and I didn't want to be doing that hike. I wanted to sit in a meadow with flowers and take pretty pictures and admire this face of granite we were climbing to the top of from afar. I wanted a day of rest. I got exactly the opposite of that. As we were climbing to the top, I was talking with God telling Him, "this isn't what I bargained for." He reminded me of this quote I read from Jim Eliot a couple of weeks ago: "the will of God is more than we bargain for, but we can trust that it is always good and always perfect." How true that is. I decided to at least try to push myself, and most of all, not ruin the day for the other people with me.
We stopped for lunch and Elise and I were content to stop at that point and not climb higher. We had our fill. For a little bit, we all agreed until John wanted to go to the top. Slowly, we all agreed to go with him. About 3/4s of the way up, John shot off to the top and Kyle and Elise and I died. We were out of water and cramping up. We went back and forth between going all the way to the top or waiting for John to come back down. God provided us with water refills with the people coming down and we decided to go to the top, and finally made it.
I was exhausted upon reaching the top. I spent seemingly all of my energy just to get up there and then I knew we still had four miles downhill to get back to the car. We were just halfway done. I was dehydrated as my muscles cramped up and the thought of actually jumping off the top was rational to me. I was not fully there. I tried to drink in the spectacular sights of the valley but the thoughts of how exhausted I was kept filling my mind. I was trying to mentally prepare myself for getting down because I knew it would not be an easy task.
After about a half an hour at the top, we began to venture down. It was slippery with the dirt on all of the granite and every step needed to be taken cautiously. My knee had stiffen up while at the top and wasn't wanting to cooperate with coming down. We stopped a few times and my legs were shaking. I just wanted to get down at this point so the hike would be over. We stopped at the stream we saw on the way up and decided that we didn't have much to lose in filling up our water bottles and drinking it. God provided with that immensely.
As we got to the bottom half of the hike, it got a little easier as the end was somewhat in sight. The trail wasn't as difficult, and we were walking alongside one another which helped greatly. We finally got to the bottom and walked in the valley back to our car. Looking up at what we had climbed to the top of brought me both awe and hatred at the time. It was really cool that we all got up there together and got to share in that, but at the same time, I was hating myself for agreeing to do it. I knew I wasn't up for it. It was more than I bargained for.
Since walking on that valley floor, we went back to Kyle's house and then back to SLO and I then flew home to CO. Since, I have been flooded with memories and lessons of that hike that I couldn't obtain at the time. The sore muscles and joints reminded me of what my body went through at that time. The water I drink reminds me of the dehydration and how it was the source of life, the living water. The pictures remind me of the sweet fellowship I had on the hike, both in my sister walking alongside me and my brothers leading and pushing me. And over and over again, God uses this hike as a metaphor for so many of the things I have been learning over the past couple of months...
I had to come to the end of myself. This hike forced that. Of course, I did it very begrudgingly and let my flesh overtake me and fight against the surrender. But there was a point of sheer exhaustion of fighting for my limits to be held and God breaking them down that broke me. I could fight no longer.
People have commented to me before that I know myself well. My bible study leader last summer admired that as I was able to have limits for myself, such as knowing when the time for fellowship and when the time for quiet was. This is not a bad thing. However, it's not a good thing either, because sometimes I know and hold onto these limits so tightly that I don't allow God to stretch those, to make me stronger.
This summer...?
So many of my limits have been stretched. God has been refining me and moreso, training me for what is to come. How can the fullness of God be reached when there is any part of me in the equation? God has surely been answering the prayer I prayed a while back that there would be nothing of me and everything of Him. Not an easy end to come to.
Yet, what happens when the end of self is reached? I have been finding that there's something so beautiful in the surrender. God never tires of waiting for us, and that's something I have a hard time comprehending. If I were Him watching myself in this long process eventually ending in surrender, I think I'd tell myself something such as, "it's about TIME!" Thankfully God is in no part flesh like me!
I can't begin to tell of how refreshing coming to the end of myself is. God's able to move in ways I didn't allow Him to before. What He's done in this short time is incredible, and I'm able to see Him in it all. Him, whose plans are so much bigger than my own, whose strength is so much stronger than mine, whose love is so much fuller than mine...How beautiful it is to not find self but to find God in His fullness!
And everyday, I must take up the Cross and not myself. Everyday must continue to be a surrender fully to God and a casting aside of self. What better motivation do I have than tasting and seeing of the One who is infintely good?
Yeah. It's worth it.
No comments:
Post a Comment