Understanding an Act of Three Years Ago

I look at the wall of my room right now where I placed a huge white cross on the wall covering up all of my sports photos. That came at a time my senior year of high school in which I had just quit my final sport, basketball, in final obedience to what God had been calling me to do for so long. It took me several months to finally obey God in what He had told me to do for so long, and when I did, I felt like I had lost everything. Because at that time, I had. My entire identity was found in that I was Elise, the athlete, and I seemed to live for the next game or practice or newspaper article and stats which could feed my pride in a way it didn’t need to be, as it was surely hungry enough already. I remember the night I put that cross up. I was wrestling so much with God and myself in this ‘lost’ identity I had suffered. In my heart I knew I wanted and needed Christ to reign supreme, but as I looked at all of the photos of 8 years of sports, my life, it left such a bitter taste in my mouth and I was grieving. I knew I had to do something in order to bring about change and remind me daily of why I had made that decision. So I grabbed the roll of paper that had been in my closet for several years, got my chair, and made a cross the entire height of my wall, the center covering up the first athletic letter I received playing basketball. It was a tangible way to remember every single time I looked at that wall, that though I didn’t understand why God had me make such a decision, it was purposeful and I had to learn to trust Him in it. It still remains up to this day. I have never taken it down, and have never been able to fully do so.

But as I sit in my room tonight, I am so thankful for such a reminder. That time in my life has come up so much over the past couple of months as I remember that what I thought was eventual obedience to God was really disobedience. I inflicted so much upon myself that didn’t need to be. God is not one to be bargained with as I thought at that time. He has surely far more sway than I ever will. Who was I to make my life my own when He is the source? Who was I to wrong God in that way? But through that process, I remember, and I am not so casual with my obedience to God as I was then. I am learning the importance of what it truly means to heed the Spirit the instant it changes direction. I am learning what it means to make my yes be yes and my no be no. I am learning that I must never possess anything, for nothing is mine to possess. I could so easily say I have learned these things already, as God has taught me a great deal already. Yet I won’t. For for me to say that would be saying I’ve already reached the goal and received the prize. My journey is not yet done. There are still lessons I continue to learn and will be refined in over time, and even still, new ones will always come. But I am thankful that God brings these stepping stones along the way, so I can remember what happened then so I may choose a different way now. I’m thankful that nothing is lost in His sight, but that every single incident in our life is purposeful. It’s been over 3 years since I put up that cross. In a lot of ways, it has taken 3 years to understand its purpose.

I understand it now. And for that I am eternally grateful. Praise be to my God who ordains all things…!