The Lack of Answer

I finally sat down tonight and did something I’ve needed to do for a long while. I went through old journal entries in certain time frames God brought up: 2.5 years ago, 2 years ago, and 1.5 years ago. I’ve been avoiding reminiscing and reflecting for some time…it’s as if I was scared of the pain that may arise from doing so. In reading tonight, there was some pain brought up but greater so, a great floodlight of God’s love on these things showing me He has either redeemed or is redeeming.

So much has happened…and it’s going to take some good time to truly sit down and allow God to continue to bring His light into these areas I haven’t seen for a while. But tonight a lot of pieces came together in one fundamental aspect of my character that I haven’t been able to pinpoint. It has affected me more than I ever knew. In my life…

The lack of answer wounds.

There’s three main, big areas in my life where I see this largely in play. I don’t feel the necessity to state them outright, but there is a pattern that has happened in each one.
-I catch the vision/promise/faith/love and it becomes a fervent passion and pursuit in my life.
-There were these long periods of waiting in which I wasn’t seeing the results of the vision/promise/faith/love.
-It brings up many questions, insecurities, doubts, as I seek and await an answer or manifestation.
-The longer I am waiting, the harder it gets to retain the vision/promise/faith/love I had in the first place, what got me started on that journey
-The lack of answer wounds.

I’m amazed at what a fundamental aspect of my character this is and how it applies to so many things in my life. It’s like I seek out answers to avoid being hurt. It’s why I want to know things. It’s why I want to be reassured and reaffirmed, as if the knowledge and answer will make everything all right. When I don’t have any of those things, I feel like something is wrong.

These wounds have run deep…I was reminded of that today. It is good for me to recognize that they are there. But it was also a reminder and given insight in how God has redeemed a lot of these wounds along the way and continues to in a greater degree now.

It’s ironic that I have this time of waiting, this time of a lack of answer, in order to learn how not to let the lack of answer wound me. It’s God being very thorough in the redemptive process.

In my head, I’ve come to understand that there are often times of waiting and silence, and it does not necessarily mean things are wrong. It does not have to be fought against and be consisting of a clinging act of searching for an answer.

My heart is getting to the point of understanding that. It’s not quite there yet. There are some wounds that are still being healed and learning to trust God fully with. Remembering that He holds me, knows me, loves me.

I honestly have a really hard time retaining the same amount of vision/promise/faith/love when there is a lack of manifestation and answer.

An answer is not given to me in how that can be changed, except with the reminder that I received tonight.

God does it. Only Him. And I probably will not see it along the way, but it will be there. He is always, always faithful. I have to recall the times of old and remember His faithfulness to remember He is worthy of my trust in the present and future. I need Him to restore my hope and delight in the waiting, remain steadfast in the present, and rejoice in the answers given in the future.

“Behold, blessed is the one whom God reproves; therefore despise not the discipline of the Almighty. For he wounds, but he binds up; he shatters, but his hands heal. He will deliver you from six troubles; in seven no evil shall touch you. In famine he will redeem you from death, and in war from the power of the sword. You shall be hidden from the lash of the tongue, and shall not fear destruction when it comes. At destruction and famine you shall laugh, and shall not fear the beasts of the earth. For you shall be in league with the stones of the field, and the beasts of the field shall be at peace with you. You shall know that your tent is at peace, and you shall inspect your fold and miss nothing. You shall know also that your offspring shall be many, and your descendants as the grass of the earth. You shall come to your grave in ripe old age, like a sheaf gathered up in its season. Behold, this we have searched out; it is true. Hear, and know it for your good." Job 5:17-27