On this blog, I sometimes feel led to post my direct communication with the Lord, rather than the typical blog entry types of mine. Tonight is one of those nights. I desire to be honest and confess my shortcomings.
My Dear Lord,
I am overwhelmingly convicted, heavy, and downcast.
There has been so much delayed obedience on my part, which is disobedience. And I feel and see the repercussions of it now. Things that I have been waiting so long to do, people to contact, things to start…I’ve been waiting until “later.”
And now, I feel as if something is going to happen…whether that’s me falling face down before you, confessing my sin, or also something else I do not yet know of. I feel this overwhelming sense of grief.
Lord, I confess my sin before You…in that I choose to do what I want to do or think is best in the moment, and I have been dictating our relationship so much. I seek to listen, but on my own terms. I seek to do, but on my own time. Lord, I am not Your master—You are mine.
I confess the grieving of Your Holy Spirit, particularly in drawing from it to minister to others without allowing You to minister to me through it first.
I confess the things that I have not done, though you have laid them on my heart for a long time. This, sending of my songs to someone. This, a discipline of writing to allow You to do with it what You will. This, a willingness to serve others while denying myself. This, a willingness to see this place around me with open eyes and open heart, ready and willing to engage in relationship, rather than of selfish preservation of self.
Lord, why do I guard myself? Why do I hold my best interests of myself in my heart and mind? Why do I think they are aligned with Yours, when I’m not even aligning myself to You?
Lately, there has been relationship with You. There have also been sweet times of communion and prayer. But, it has been self-serving and self-needing, rather than an act of worship to You.
I am so thankful for the words of others, of fellow saint-sinners. In recent written words of theirs, they said things mulling within myself that I have not been able to fully articulate or understand. Some of those include:
- Our chief end should be to do what You command.
- We should always see with open eyes, ready to do
- The body of Christ must not be neglected.
- There is a need to remember our sinful state, confess it before You, and receive Your grace and forgiveness, not abusing it or taking it for granted.
- We should always prepare for loss in order that it may be found fully.
Yet Lord, we are Yours, and in all things, we can trust that You allow for Your purposes.
In this sinful state I am in, I am overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed at how far I am from where I should be, face on the ground before You, and then You ask me to arise, to know that I am forgiven and healed, and then set forth in this world to be one of Your followers, one of Your ministers of grace…
And it couldn’t have been more starkly apparent than when I saw the homeless man that I see almost every day on my way to work today. I saw him from afar—he hadn’t been there this week—and I grabbed a dollar from my wallet before I approached him. There he was on the corner, standing with his hunched back, his glassy eyes turning and watching and pleading to all who walked by. If I were to speak in human terms, he is one of the more intimidating homeless people to encounter. You can tell that things have happened to him that are probably very difficult to mention.
The crowd dispersed from the corners as I approached, and his head resigned and he went back to not looking. When I got there, he wasn’t looking at me and his back was turned. I touched him on the shoulder gently to get his attention, so I could hand him a meager dollar. He spun around and I addressed him. I told him good morning, like I try to do every time I see him, and gave him the dollar in my hand while my other remained on his shoulder. I told him I hoped he could use this to get something to eat or drink. His face was covered with sores and crumbs of some kind today. But, the look in his eyes as he felt my touch was overwhelming…eyes that normally appear completely glassed over to the world, showed emotion and feeling. They showed a bewildering thankfulness that I had touched him, that I had seen him, that I had recognized his need, and moreso, recognized him as a fellow person.
It was such a small act but had such an overwhelming sense of healing. I realized…he has probably not been touched for a very long time.
And this, this one act of obedience, this that I have needed to do again for a while, has completely upended me.
It is things like this that show me what it is to be a light in this world, particularly in this city, and it overwhelms me.
I am overwhelmed by my delayed obedience, my disobedience, and how sinful I am. Yet, I am also overwhelmed at the prospect of being Your servant and what that looks like and means here.
I know I will be changed. And I know, deep down, that I want that. But, I fear. I am scared at what it looks like. And I know You are worthy of my trust, and that I want Your will for my life. I’m just balking at the cost.
All of me, is required for surrender, my dear Lord. All of me. Show me what that looks like in a world of responsibilities, and a world of needs. Show me again what it is to abide in You and bear much fruit, fruit that will bless and serve others without completely draining myself as I sinfully attempt to operate out of self-sufficiency.
I need You so, my Lord. I know this. May I act upon it and receive.
Thank You for receiving a wretched sinner like me.
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