Everything

On this blog as of late, there are seldom times in which I write about something not from a first-person perspective, or for the purpose of speaking to people rather than sharing with people. I was thinking about that today and wondering why such a change has occurred in me. The thing that I've been able to pull away from that thought is that when it comes down to it, I am no different than anyone else out there in the world, from those who know me the most intimately to those who will never have any idea that I exist. I, like everyone else on this earth, am a sinner that falls so incredibly short of the glory of God. I, like everyone else on this earth, am seeking to find purpose in this life and to make it meaningful, even daring to dream that perhaps, in some way, my life could make a difference.

This being said, it may sound purposeless to blog or even share what it is that I am going through, learning, or thinking about. What brings me back to it, however, is the fact that in my own search for purpose, in my search for meaning, in my lofty dreams that my life could make a difference, I am finding One who is truly set apart from all of us here on this earth. I am finding One who calls me intimately into His presence in order that He may redeem me, sanctify me, and set me apart by the mark of His blood. My search has ended with the beginning of a journey, and that is one of coming to know and understand One who is so infinitely unlike me, and unlike anyone I will ever find here on this earth. My search has culminated in the beginning of this journey, because I have come to understand that the things I have always sought after or dared to dream can only be found within this path. It brings a purpose to my life that wasn't there before. But more so, it brings reason for breathing, reason for singing, reason for living, because I am on the journey of knowing One greater than myself, greater than my life, greater than anything that could ever be imagined. It is within Him that everything can truly be found. In my seeking of Him and losing everything else, it is then I truly gain.

And perhaps that's the purpose of this blog...because though I am so like everyone else here on this earth by nature, there has been and is One who shows me what it means to be set apart. There's this journey He has me on, and while it is intimately personal and tailored to who I am and what He desires me to become; the fact is the prospect of the journey is open to everyone. It comes at a price, yes, the very blood of Jesus Christ, but He deemed us worthy of it. It comes with the aspect of learning what it means to lose our life so we can truly find it. It doesn't come with anything easy, but it is more than worth it. And that's why I share. I share my journey in hopes that others will be beckoned to the One I know, and either begin their own journey with Him or continue to follow hard after Him, renewed by the joy of His presence and an understanding of His immeasurable grace. This is the goal of my life, that those who know me would ultimately know Him, because He's far better than I ever will be.

And with that, I share what God's been doing in my heart and life as of late, giving you my journal entry from tonight. May you be blessed by His presence, and may He speak to you through the words of a sinner such as myself as He so chooses.



Dear Lord,
I haven’t journaled for a week. That keeps becoming more and more of a normal occurrence, which I never would have imagined it would, due to how much I have written in the past. However, it is perfectly in the season You have me in, as I say over and over again.

I have just found myself completely overwhelmed with who You are, my dear Lord. I was driving to meet Emily today and I was just tearing up immediately in the car as I thought of You. And Lord, it’s still so true. I find myself more in love with you than ever before. I find myself in Your presence more than ever before, and with it all comes so much peace and knowledge of who You are. I find the truths I have come to know over the 8 years I have known You really fully taking root. Your words just flood my brain as I think about such things and find myself in different situations. There’s this steadiness that only You can bring.

The book I read and have been reading, In the Meantime, has been one of the biggest blessings of this summer. You have helped me to see how there is tremendous purpose in the waiting, in the things that may seem monotonous in the present. Lord, though I can’t see it fully yet, I can understand how what You have been bringing me through especially this summer are preparing me so much.

I’ve been praying about the bible study/gig in the art department the last couple weeks. And Lord, I believe You have just now given Your answer. Lord, the fact is, I know how to do a bible study. I know how to lead a group of people. I know how to disciple. With the exception of discipling and pouring into those who You call me to pour into, I need to not focus on structured things that I can control. The fact is, I don’t know how to be mission-minded in every moment. I don’t know how to let You minister through me without me knowing it in those types of situations. I don’t know how to be intentional with the Gospel in my relationships with non-believers in a way that’s not trying to convert them or appearing to have that mindset. Lord, I know how to do ministry. And I know how to do friendship. Though there will always be more to learn on that end, I don’t know how to combine the two. And the fact is, that is what people are looking for first and foremost. Believers who will be real. People who will love and accept them. Christians who walk the walk and live in this world but not of it. Lovers of God who will enter their world and show them something greater. There is far too much structure in how we reach people and it’s turning people off more than winning. I believe there is a greater need and focus in how we allow You to move, rather than there being a systematic approach.

It’s interesting that this is coming from my hands, but I do believe it to be something You have been showing me this summer. A great picture of that is this morning. We went to church for the first time this summer. The Paauws invited us because Mr. Paauw was preaching. My dad came. You know how much I have been praying this summer for those kinds of opportunities for my parents to see You and know You more, and for my dad to turn to You. Yet Lord, still You have commanded me to wait and not take action in the ways I normally would. And Lord, today it was so clear why. What was spoken about this morning was the beauty of the gospel, why it is good news, how it has been advancing and prophesized since the beginning of all time, and how even the disciples didn’t get the full implication of what it means. In every way, it made the gospel relevant to every human being and also showed it as the incredible redeeming love and grace it possesses. I couldn’t pick anything better for my dad to hear, and I couldn’t have picked a better time, place, or person for him to hear it from. You met him where he is at, because You know where he’s at. I wasn’t to play a part in it this time. Same with my mom. She needs to take these actions on her own, and not because it’s simply something I do. She needs to seek after You because of who You are. I’m so thankful for this morning, because I truly believe it did something far greater in an hour and a half than I could’ve done on my own efforts in this entire summer.

That’s where it gets hard sometimes, because we are inclined to do the opposite of what we should actually be doing in a situation. When we are told to take action, we stand still, and when we are told to wait, we rush forward. It’s this sinful flesh that still opposes the things of You and must continue to be sanctified and redeemed. It is so much in those situations that we have to come to You and die to ourselves in order that Your will, not our own, be done. It’s in those beautiful moments such as this morning that remind us of Your sovereign control and how You know far better than we do. It’s in the moments in between that we must hold fast to the knowledge we have of You, trusting and knowing that Your ways surely are better than our own.
That’s where I’ve found myself overwhelmed. Lord, there has been nothing of me this summer because You have stripped it all away. You have been bringing me to the place where I hold fast to You alone and love You because of who You are, nothing else. Lord, You know at the beginning I felt raw and exposed, because there was no longer things that I fabricate for myself to hide behind. But as I stand still in moments You give me, I find myself tearing up in tears of praise because Lord, You are so much better. You are so much greater.

It’s like everything of You is water in a crystal clear lake. Left alone and in its purity, there is nothing else that compares. We have the blessing of observing it and letting it be what it is, and when You choose to pour it out upon us, You will. I see two ways we could interact with this situation. One being that we are in complete ignorance of how dirty we are and in an attempt to be part of your plans, we jump in without Your consent and defile the purity of what You are doing. Another being that we wait on You, knowing that we, by our own means and ways, have no right ourselves to interact with such pure things. If we are chosen by You to interact with pure things such as water, it must be in the manner of being cleansed by it, being baptized by it, being in full knowledge of our defilement and Your purity. We cannot ever think ourselves of the same nature You are. Therefore, we on our own, do not have the right to associate or immerse ourselves in things of You. We can only do so when we realize we have been bought at a price and that we are part of Your grand plan only by grace. We treat these matters with so little regard and we wonder why we continue to fall on our face, why these things seemingly of God never seem to quite work out…

And that’s where we must know that there is nothing of ourselves that can bring any more worth to who You already are. We must live our lives seeing through eyes of humility, humbly accepting who we are. It is when we realize that we are nothing, You can fully be everything. When we allow You to bring us to that place where we truly experience and taste it, we finally come to understand at least in part that You are God in Heaven and we are here on earth. We finally come to understand that there is such a deep mystery in our relation with You and how that is possible and then allow that to become even more of a mystery. It becomes a romance, in which things seem new every morning and one feels more alive than they ever have before. It becomes something that is beyond words and better manifested in tears and silence. It becomes all of these things we have never dreamed of experiencing because we have never before understood what it means to get out of the way. It becomes, for the first time, a truly unhindered communion with You, because we have begun to understand this place You have us on this earth while we dwell in Your presence, awaiting the Kingdom to come that has been advancing since the days of John the Baptist. It becomes all of these things that You have forever created it and destined it to be, because we finally understand not only what it is to be truly nothing, but to rejoice in that very fact. It has been a long time of breaking, and will continue to be a daily death to self, but is the beginning of what it means…

…to let You be everything.