For some reason I feel compelled to share my heart on what God is “sifting” through me right now. I’ve spent the past two days in a lot of silent prayer and reflection, but I really feel the call to write about it and share it…Bear with me in this, I don’t know how fluent or how much sense this will all make. I’m just going to allow God to go through this.
A large part of being in Santa Monica means being surrounded by the temporal things that consume our society, and I see just about every form here. Yesterday I wanted to scream. I felt so confined by this world that has been fabricated around me, a world that is toiling after nothing in an effort to fulfill their deepest desire only Christ can. Yet at the same time I’m still in the midst of this city, in the midst of all of these people, and my heart breaks for them because they don’t know the reality of knowing Christ and how He fulfills every need. However, the God of this world has blinded the unbelievers to such an extent that they are apathetic or angry or defensive or many other things, so that they don’t want to hear of a Savior; the “Savior(s)” they have “created” or “formulated” for themselves is sufficient. Anyways that’s a whole other tangent for another time, but basically it’s a world full of idols and sin...and I am no longer bound to this world or desire any of this! Praise the Lord for doing this revolution in my heart!
Over this summer Matthew 24:14 has been referred to quite a bit. “And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all the nations, and then the end will come.” This has been such an exciting verse to me, and has been one that God has used in part to strengthen my heart and call to missions…that I can take an active part in this!? How sweet is that!?! I desire that, to make an impact on this world for Christ in ways I can only dream of now. This verse came to mind in our bible study on Tuesday, for what reason I don’t remember right now, but I read the context surrounding it. All of Matthew 24 is part of this, but the selected part is:
4Jesus answered: "Watch out that no one deceives you. 5For many will come in my name, claiming, 'I am the Christ,F104 ' and will deceive many. 6You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. 7Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. 8All these are the beginning of birth pains. 9"Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me. 10At that time many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other, 11and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people. 12Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, 13but he who stands firm to the end will be saved. 14And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.
I see signs of this. Prophecies and the whole starting to be fulfilled. On the surface…it’s exciting, amazing, wonderful…deep within…it’s uncomfortable, terrifying perhaps.
God has been asking me, “what do you truly desire?” and “what are you really waiting for?” After doing a hard heart evaluation, I found my answer to be that I no longer desire the temporal things of this world, man, I am ready to be out of America. But in this I asked myself, if I don’t desire the temporal, do I truly desire the eternal, above all else? Do I truly desire to see all of these things fulfilled in my lifetime?
It’s been a hard answer. I think that to some extent I do desire these things because I know eternity is lasting and is far far better than the temporal, but I also think that I desire the eternal on a condition: that it won’t affect the “blessings” God has for me here on earth.
See, I want to passionately pursue Him and live my life completely soled out for Him; He’s only strengthened that this summer. With this, I know God will bring blessings for that’s the kind of God He is! He blesses those who choose Him and choose His ways—not because He has to but because He desires to!
But I think so often I live for those blessings He has more than the eternal.
I have never been fully comfortable or willing to accept the fact that Christ could return in my lifetime. I’ve wanted life to the full here, as He promises it when we seek Him (John 10:10), but have I truly set eternity in my heart, knowing it is infinitely better than anything He has to offer on earth?
Yet, as Matthew 24:14 continues to resonate throughout project, I find more and more that this is what God is calling me for: that I will participate in preaching the gospel to all the nations, and then the end will come.
Notice that last part? It’s contingent on the first. If I’m to be participating in preaching the gospel to all the nations, shouldn’t I be more than willing to accept its result? Shouldn’t that be what I desire above all else, to see all that has been talked and preached about forever fulfilled? To see the end come, Christ in full power?
I don’t know why it scares me so much. In my head I know that eternity and Heaven and the returning of Christ is infinitely better than anything on earth…but I’ve never gotten that into my heart. I think it’s been one of those situations in which I’ve been using the art of ignorance in an effort to push the issue aside in an attempt to deal with it later.
God says the time to deal with it is now.
So many of my desires are good, God-given desires…this I know. I just can’t let these desires for blessings overtake the desire to see and embrace eternity, to fully live for it alone! There needs to be a certain order there. For so long God has been teaching me to seek Him first and then the rest will flow.
I need to desire eternity above all else…to live that life knowing I am taking an active part in the end coming, and let that be the source of my flame. And I need to do it with a smile on my face, peace in my heart, feet ready to move, and hands willing to serve. I need to leave my fears and ignorance behind.
Steadily God is changing this and will continue to do so, this I know and hold fast to. It’s not a change I can do on my own. It’s not an easy one either, but I praise the Lord that He is so faithful and willing to ceaselessly shape me so I can be the woman He desires me to be, one that will be ready to participate in the fulfilling of Matthew 24:14.
Um yeah…I just feel the need to be honest before you all about this. I trust that God is using this in some way, I know He is at least for me.
John, perhaps this helps shed some light about what is going on…I think that I can talk with you more in detail about it when God so ordains it. There’s a lot to say right now that God’s laying on my heart, but I’ll wait on His timing.
I’m in His grip no matter where I am, I’m in His arms and that’s where I will remain.
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