The Question

This summer has been much about redefinition in a lot of ways and seeking out my Savior first and foremost, to set a level path beneath my feet for what lies ahead of me. It's been a summer in which I haven't been seeking out friendships but seeking Him only and allowing Him to bring those friendships He wishes. He definitely has in a lot of ways.

I see all of these circumstances in which God has placed me in, with the way my day is spent. Much of my day is spent in solitude, though surrounded by people. I go to class in the morning and listen to a two-hour lecture, come back, plan meals, go get lunch, shop for food, cook, serve dinner, listen to meeting for the night, and then at this point I am exhausted from the day. Throughout the day I am surrounded by people, whether at the grocery store or in class or whatever, and God has placed me in this time of intentional conversation, so I may have no distractions whatsoever from Him. I love it. I feel this is my time to be a spiritual weed and grow exponentially, by going straight to the Source of the living water I seek. I know I have grown so much just over the last three weeks. Throughout the day I have limited but good time to spend with people here on project, but the key social time, after our meetings at night, I'm exhausted, so I am often in my room journaling and reading the word. This is what fills me up. Do I feel that I am missing out on friendships? Perhaps. But do I feel that overall, I am missing out? Not at all!...for my God is more than sufficient and I love not relying on people at all, and only on my Father; how wonderful it is that He is all we need!

I read these two passages from Tozer last night and it spoke so much to me, for this is where I am at.
“Bretheren, when we finally have our meeting with God, it has to be alone in the depths of our being. We will be alone even if we are surrounded by a crowd…I know that people do not want to be alone with God, but if your longing heart ever finds the living water, it will be alone. We humans want to help each other and that is good insofar as we can, but God wants us to press through to His presence where there is no natural or artificial help…He asks that we come with a naked intent unto God. We must want God Himself—and nothing more!”
“ In our day there are still the crowds and the meetings and opportunities to reach out to Jesus in simple faith and love. But we have meetings where people revel in the crowd—and ignore the Lord. In the midst of our assemblies, isn’t Jesus always waiting for someone to disregard the crowd and the circumstances and the traditions—and to push through in love and in faith to touch Him for His healing wholeness?”

This week is Ohana week, in which we focus on community and family. It was a hard night because I felt so conflicted--do I go with the norm, dictated by spiritual leaders and authority God has placed? Or do I go with the knowledge my Savior has graced me with, in realizing and knowing that I am to be radically different?

The question. Is there more in those friendships that I need to be pursuing? I know God has gifted me with much wisdom and grace that I can share with other women and lift them up, and I know I haven’t been doing that in the way I can. I did have the opportunity to do that with Amber tonight and it was so good, for God spoke through me to encourage her and say what needed to be said. Yet there is a time to act and a time not to. Is it time that I take the initiative or not? I know God can use me in amazing ways with these girls but do I seek that out or allow God to bring those opportunities? Am I being selfish in just desiring God and not giving of myself to these girls around me?

Yet, at the same time, I am giving a lot of myself this summer in a different way, with cooking. I know I am operating out of my gifts in a different way; I am not neglecting them by any means. I feel this summer is one of redefinition, in which I don’t do the same thing I’ve done just because it’s what I’ve done, but instead, let God define and dictate what I am to do. This is a season, and I’ve felt so clear on what has been expected of it, but now I’m questioning a bit, with this whole Ohana week. Do I do what I know I’m capable of doing?

Tonight we had these cards that we had others fill out about us stating what our strengths and obstacles were in communion. Amber filled one out for me, on obstacles, and she stated this: “I see a lot of compassion and wisdom in you. I’d like to see you share it in pursuing other women more. You also need to teach me how to pray in the Spirit like you do!" Here’s the irony here. She’s encouraging me to pursue other women to share in my wisdom, and in that, talks about having me teach her how to pray in the Spirit. The reason why I pray in the Spirit is because of the communion I have with my Lord! I’m in tune with Him and the Spirit because I am alone with Him!

So because God has gifted us with gifts to be used for His glory, do we always have the responsibility to use those, and must do so? Or is it when God calls us to use those gifts that we use it solely then? Are there times we should...hold back, in a sense? I'm so much about being Spirit-led. To be Spirit-led we must be Spirit-filled.

I keep going around in circles with this. O Lord, I pray You reveal to me what it is You wish me to do!