Imagine

Fickle is the illusion appearing before me
That who I am will never receive
The anointing of the grace given for free
Out of his presence I must flee

So who am I to come to Your feet?
Who am I to offer all of me?
This beauty You have restored is ever so baffling
And still You pour…

Chorus
What would it be like if those You love loved You fully in return?
What would we see if for only You our hearts burn?
I imagine it would be light shining so bright it penetrates everything
Exposing the darkness of the night in which we remain
What would we do if we truly saw Your face, with our eyes unveiled
Is this what we long to see, who we long to be?
Imagine…

All consuming fire blaze uninhibited
Move like lyrical healing to the soul
These hearts that are the treasure of Your Kingdom
Still fight to restore

Stubborn Steel

Basically I don't know why God speaks to me through so many metaphorical ways. I know that's how my mind works and how He has created me, so I'll go with it. Calculus, a walk to class...now steel.

I've been so convicted as I work on this architecture project of mine. It's a group project and basically we're making this ridiculously crazy amazing metal spike that will suspend into the air and also rest on the ground as a bench. It's hard to explain; it's pretty abstract.

We take this raw material, steel, and attempt to make it into something beautiful. Yet for that to happen, it must relinquish its strength to its maker and allow him/her to form it into what it needs to be. Some are more stubborn than others and don't quite go the way we wish. We take so many pieces and intertwine them in order to build something that is solid and firm, all these pieces come together as one, meet at one point higher and farther than we can reach from the ledge we will eventually stretch over.

I find myself frustrated with myself tonight for I find I resemble this structure in so many ways. I bend so easily in lots of ways and allow God to shape me and make me beautiful in that way, yet there are a few stubborn areas and pieces that unconsciously I fight Him on. And when you try to put all these pieces together in a sculpture and place the exterior on in order that it may be finished, it proves to be much more difficult than anticipated. It's usually just those few pieces that didn't go quite the way they were supposed to. Why am I so persistent on having my way and my plans and ideas in certain things? I don't relinquish control in the way I should in certain areas. These pieces that are to come together and meet at a point higher and farther than myself proves to be a struggle because of these few pieces. And still the pieces can't come all together, though I know they won't until I see Him face to face, but still it must continue to take shape and give the clear impression that it is pointing to something higher than myself, my Father.

So You are my Creator, my Maker, Dear Lord. Take these stubborn steel, pieces and ideas of mine and bend them, shape them, in order that they may fit into this sculpture and creation You have made of me. I desire to be complete. I know it will be a difficult process but all the more neccessary. I'm tired of not giving, here I am, here I bend underneath the care of Your hands. Do as You wish, refine Your work in me. May all these pieces come together and be complete.

Light

The bright late afternoon sun shines ever so brightly into the eyes as the descent down the hill begins. It is a walk that one picks up momentum due to the steep incline. People pass by and there's pandemonium all around as the frantic rush begins to get to class on time, caught up in the details of everyday life. They fight the hill as they strain and push to reach the top; yet with many things to weigh them down, it does not prove to be an easy task. I look around myself and wonder why I seem to be the only one going downhill while everyone else seems to go up, and still I wonder why I can't see people clearly at all, for the sun blinds me so severely. The details on their faces are softened from far away, yet as they near, the harshness becomes more rigid. Lines of life are engraven upon their face and it becomes ever so severe and harsh, you can see the struggles, fears, disappointments that have riddled their story. Why are their backs turned on such magnificent light that illuminates all it faces? Still I press on down the hill, picking up ever more momentum as the light blazes.

"Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord shines upon you. See, darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples, but the Lord rises upon you and his glory appears over you. Nations will come to your light and kings to the brightness of your dawn" (Isaiah 60:1-3).
"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor (Isaiah 61:1-3).

The Second Time Around...

A quote from my Math teacher regarding answers on our first midterm:
"We have to know perfectly the reason for why our answer is correct--we must be able to defend it and state it clearly. Otherwise, what is the point of doing the work and not knowing why it is correct?"

I'm taking Calculus again this quarter because I didn't do so well last quarter and felt that I could improve by taking it again. Yet as I understand the material so much better than I did, my scores are still not significantly improving. It's been interesting because the professor I have this quarter is the exact opposite from the one I had last quarter, and God has made it clear from the very beginning of this quarter that there are going to be significant things He was going to teach me through my math professor--not about math though. Glimpses have been shown but one came so clearly today...I don't quite know why God has chosen my math professor as a person to speak to me through, but sure...He knows what is best.

As we go on pursuits of knowledge and understanding, there will often be times we are confused and for a long time it doesn't matter how hard we attempt to understand something it won't be clear. But still we push on and don't give up because we seek out the day that things become clear, that things begin to make sense. It is then that our eyes are lifted from the fog that we are in and we begin to say, "yes, it is becoming clear." Such has been calculus for me. Such has been my walk with Christ as well. Yet, it doesn't seem to matter how clear calculus becomes in my mind, if I can't execute it and show it on the test, then my grades reflect that and it comes back to the point of do I really understand, though I claim to? Is it really about the grades? Is it really about what kind of "mark" we get, that shows our status in relation to others? I think not.

Looking within myself and around the classroom today as midterms were handed back, I saw many downcast faces, faces engraven with disappointment as the studying they did didn't seem to produce any results. I saw one boy almost begin to cry. And we try and we try and we do all we can in order to achieve this "status" that says, "yes, you are good. You understand this, it is clear." But how often do we really understand things though we claim to? We claim to understand our faith and who God is in our lives, yet the mark still is low. As sinners we always will fall below the mark, for in comparison to God we are nothing. It's times like this that logic will reason, "well, what's the point then? If we can't ever do well and achieve the high mark, then what's the point?" But it is there that is the point that we miss all the time! The point is that we will never be enough, but still we try and strive and climb in order that we may gain that understanding and knowledge though the mark will always be cast low. It's not about the mark we receive, it's not about how good we are in comparison with others because we are nothing! Yet we have to press on every single moment because it is through that pressing on that our faith is developed and honed , and as that happens, we become more and more sure of it.

I think this is such a big reason why there aren't more Christians today or so many lukewarm. Either pride gets in the way, or then when the Gospel is presented, all they hear is that "I am a sinner, I can't get to Heaven by myself, Jesus died for me....so what's the point?" The point is the cross covered our blood and sin and allows us this blessing of a pursuit after Him! Yes we will never be enough but it is through His grace we are saved; we must never lose sight of this fact. So why keep trying when you don't see the mark improved? Because He is faithful and He rewards those who pursue Him. You seek answers? He has them. You seek love? He is love. You seek confidence? Then approach His throne with confidence and ask what you wish. You seek forgiveness? It is there, it is done, it is finished. You must receive it and not resign yourself to mediocrity.

So lift up your eyes, all you who are downcast and see what has been done for you on the cross! See that it is done and finished and it's there for you to receive. Continue to press on, press on towards attaining knowledge and wisdom and understanding because these hone our faith, though we will never be the righteous ones like we should be, the ones with high marks. And through this you will see and learn that we must "always be prepared to give an answer for the hope we have" (1 Peter 3:15).

"We need to know perfectly the reason for why our answer is correct. We must be able to defend it and state it clearly. Otherwise, what is the point of doing the work and not knowing why it is correct?"
We need to know the reason for why we choose Christ. We must be able to defend it and state clearly why He is the Lord of our lives, why we choose Him above all. Otherwise, what is the point of being a Christian and bearing the name when we don't even know why we do? Why should others receive Him? Forget about marks, seek out wisdom and understanding that will give you these answers. When you seek these out, seek GOD! He alone is the source and the center. The second time around...don't let it pass you by.

Silence in the Midst of a Story

Silence in the presence of God is an amazing thing. Not really talking to people for almost an entire day can do wonders for the clarity of mind and the ability to hear God clearly. It was such a blessing because today was supposed to be so busy, and it wasn't, though I still got things done. There were things I was supposed to do, but I felt God calling me to push those aside for today and allow myself to decompress in a sense, and He totally blessed it. For the first time in a long time, I felt able to breathe. Able to sit still, drink in the plentiful sunshine and warmth, and sharpen my focus on Him, knowing that just as the oxygen around me is essential for me to breathe, His presence is essential to my life. It's not as if I don't know these things all the time, but I feel that in the midst of such craziness with school and all the other things we do, it's easy for it to become somewhat foggy and not so clear and because of that lack of clarity, it's not the first thing that jumps out at us. It's interesting as I write this because I look back on this past week and I see some days that were so amazingly clear as I communed with God the entire day, and others that weren't. I also got to read through my journal entries since the beginning of the school year--let's just say that took a while, I write a LOT--and it was amazing to see the different themes that lingered throughout this entire time. One of the prevalent things I noticed was how so often I cried out for God to give me so much more, how I needed Him in such a bigger way than I had at that present time. And so reading through those, I saw how God answered those prayers and how still it remained and remains a prayer of mine. It's such a mystery to me in some ways...how we can be so blessed and moved and lifted up by Him and because of that, it leaves us craving more. It's a pretty sweet paradox in my opinion, yet at times I have to keep it in check. I know that there are times I become down because I don't see Him clearly in the present because I want so much more than what is given at that time. There's this quote by Jim Eliot I love. It states, "Let not our longings slay our appetite for living." I have to keep coming back to this principle, because though there is much, much more in store for me and for others and this world in the future, we are in the present for a reason and called to such a time as this. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a fast forward and rewind button on our lives. We could fast forward to the future, see what happens, and then rewind back and see how prayers were answered and all that jazz. Well in this I forget about an important thing. Yeah we can fast forward and see amazing things happen, but then when we rewind...we rewind back to a present time that we previously skipped because we fast forwarded instead. And then it's not the same, because in that present time, you miss those opportunties to pray and receive what God has for you at that moment, and that makes the future so much less sweet. It's one thing to say in my mind and another to convince my heart. Still God remains faithful beyond belief and it is in that I place my hope.

As I was out downtown today, I was able to be silent and watch the people and events around me. This came as a result.
"What is this great story before us; this great story at hand? This story that You have placed me a part of, this role You have set before me? For all around characters are present to play a dynamic role in this story. The characters and setting are in place, we have yet to see the complete plot unfold. We are but mere tokens of Your grace, yet You move us still. How can one not smile at Your creation? And how can one not cry at the downfall of it all? How can one not find joy in the smile of a child? And how can one not see the pain in a homeless war veteran's heart? How can one not see the hopes and dreams of those so innocent and not desire to feel that same way? And how can one not see the shattered lives of those broken and downcast, their hopes and dreams gone? How can one not desire the pureness of a first love? And how can one not look at a failed marriage and not see how we can very well be in that state as well? How can one walk moment by moment and not see You? And how can one live day by day and not be moved by You? Here we are and here we stand. Your plot, climax, and resolution are at hand. Move in spirit, move in power throughout this land. Let Your story unfold, Dear Lord."

I pray that in the craziness of everyday life You will take the time and allow Yourself to be moved by God. And I pray that He will grant You the time to be still and rest, even just for a short time, as He has allowed me today. And I pray that as You continue to walk on His paths, seek first His righteousness, that all His blessings will be given to You as well.

Heart

Heart...oh heart. How I need my Lord to be the keeper of my heart!

I often wonder why exactly God created me with the heart I have. I know that it is in His perfect plan and I trust in that fact, but still I wonder...
I am probably one of the most sensitive persons one would meet, but I think very few know that. I don't show it easily or openly. It's been trampled on too many times that I am reluctant to show it or put it out in the open. Since I became a Christian 5 years ago, God has restored my heart in ways I still can't fathom. He's taken what has been broken and made it full again. Through His grace He has shown me what it is like to love purely, innocently, fully...He has given me a sliver of what we all should live and feel like every moment of every day. To feel things so intensely that literally you are paralyzed with emotion, because we as mere humans can't grasp it. To love those around us in ways they have never experienced before because it's Christ's love and then in turn, it changes us in profound ways as well.

I get scared at times at the intensity at which I feel, in which the heart that God has given me speaks to me so strongly. It seems like when I break down the walls and expose its beauty, I am rewarded by and see God in such profound ways, but as soon as that happens, the bitter enemy of my heart jumps in and gets his foothold in me in the things I hold so dear. I recognize this and know this, yet it's such an intense battle because it's that which is so precious to me, the heart my Father has given me. It's intense because it's such a pure and perfect thing of Him--our hearts are where He dwells--that Satan opposes it so severely. I really hate Satan because of this because I am so tired of him trying to take all that is good and twist it and distort it in his obvious attempt to get me to fall.

On a really good side of this, it's been amazing to see how God is using all of this in order that I may understand the girls on my floor, the ones so on my heart, better. I can remember where I once was and see how far I've come and know where they are coming from and in turn see where they can be. The heart is so central.

Why do I long for so much when it seems like I have so little? And why do I long for so much when I can't even handle what He does give me? Why has He created me with the intensity of heart that I have...the intensity in every aspect? Why are these walls still up; the ones that prevent me from showing my full character? And when these walls are down, why is it too much for me to bear? As God created me in His image, and it's too much for me to bear, for if my heart is created such as His, then how much more does His heart resonante and feel and break for us! It is all these questions that keeps me coming back to the fact that the Lord must always be and remain the keeper of my heart.

Glory of God is Man Fully Alive

Some encouraging passages from John Eldredge's Waking the Dead.

"We don't see clearly because we don't see with the eyes of our heart."

"I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full' John 10:10...When we hear the words eternal life, most of us tend to interpret that as a life that waits for us in eternity. But eternal means unending, not later. The scriptures use the term to mean we can never lose it. It's a life that can't be taken from us. The offer is life and that life starts now."

"The glory of God is man fully alive" (Saint Irenaeus). His happiness and my happiness are tied together? My coming alive is what he's committed to? That's the offer of Christianity? Wow! I mean, it would make no small difference if we knew--and I mean, really knew--that down-deep-in-your-toes kind of knowing that no one and nothing can talk you out of--if we knew that our lives and God's glory are bound together. Things would start looking up...The offer is life. Make no mistake about that. So then...where is that life? Why is it so rare?...By all means, God intends life for you, but right now that life is opposed....we are at war...The world in which we live in is a combat zone, a violent clash of kigdoms, a bitter struggle unto the death. Earlier in the Story, back in the beginning of our time on earth, a great glory was bestowed upon us. We all--men and women--were created in the image of God...We were crowned with glory and honor. WHy does a woman long to be beautiful? Why does a man hope to be found brave? Because we remember, if only faintly, that we were once more than we are now. The reason you doubt that there could be a glory in your life is because that glory has beeen the object of a long and brutal war. War is not just one among many themes in the Bible, it is the backdrop for the whole Story, the context for everything else. God is at war. And what is He fighting for? Our freedom and restoration. The glory of God is man fully alive."

Overcome

I don't know if I have ever quite seen Satan personified as I did tonight or in the way I did tonight. I don't think I've ever seen Satan so visibly among people here as I did tonight. I'm not going to get into the details but basically he was walking and working in so many of the hearts and minds of the girls around me in my dorm and in my classes. Whether it be immorality, lust, rebellion, pride, suggestiveness, and more, I could see it and feel it and at first it left me disgusted and sad for the girls. But in the midst of this I know my God is stronger than Satan and in that I trust. In His name I pray that somehow all this will be eventually used for good. I am reminded of a friend of mine who I stayed up with while she recovered from a pretty heavy night of drinking and I remember the grace of God through the situation and our hearts. He overcame. And still He will overcome. Satan can do all he wants but he will not take over the lives of these girls I am surrounded by. By prayer, I won't let it happen. And I will do all I can to allow the grace of God to move through me once again. My God will overcome.

Caught up

Caught up in the sweetness of You
Giving my praise for it is ever so due
Caught up in the beauty of You
Giving my praise for it is ever so due

Flower blossoming, it opens its petals to reveal its beauty to the world
Sweeps the passer-by off its feet because of sheer luminance
Ever so shy but bold at the same time
Reflecting the work of the Creator and the splendor He’s shown

Caught up in the sweetness of You
Giving my praise for it is ever so due
Caught up in the beauty of You
Giving my praise for it is ever so due

In my heart a blossom are You O Lord
And a flower blooming You are making me
Let me be one to reveal the beauty You’ve set in me
Let me be one to sweep people off their feet because of Your light through me
Possessing an ever so quiet and gentle spirit yet the boldness to bring glory to Your name
Above all, as I am a work of Your hand, let me be one to portray Your splendor
I long to bring due praise to Your name

Caught up in the sweetness of You
Giving my praise for it is ever so due
Caught up in the beauty of You
Giving my praise for it is ever so due

Grain of Sand

I am but a grain of sand washed by the water and waves
A speck in the grand scheme of things
It's easy to despair surrounded by so many unknowns
So I cast my cares upon the one who calls me as His own

An ocean so deep signifies His love for me
The waves beckon me to return home
A breathtaking composition is His creation
One that I, as a grain of sand, can belong

Chorus
I was meant to live for moments such as this
When I look into His infinite Holiness
Leaving me in a state of worship
Praising the Father for the good He's done
My cares are washed away by the swell of the waves
Bringing me home...there I belong

I wasn't meant to understand all He brings
For my lack of understanding leaves me on my knees
All of my days, there I must remain
Knowing He called me, a mere grain of sand, by name

Ever So Clearly Now

My adoration be to the One I’m blessed to call my Father
The father who loves me, I am His own
And I see and feel just a sliver of His holiness
The veil upon my eyes is gone, cast aside
And I see things ever so clearly now

Chorus
So I Fall
And praise
And worship
I long to bring glory to His holy name

The allure of my Father beckons me into His arms
How can I hold back any exultation He deserves?
And I know and hold dear the promises He’s made
My heart swells with the fervor of the love He’s shown
And I feel things ever so clearly now

Chorus

Bridge
Beauty and splendor, justice and peace
Anger and righteousness, love that doesn’t cease
Holiness above all, glory be to His name

Disturbing Beauty

Disturbing Beauty
Eyes unveiled
Beholding mystery
An enigma unraveled
Masquerades crumbling
Wallowing sorrow
Miry pit: source of beauty to come
Disturbing Beauty
Heart swells
Feelings of brokenness
Father’s anguish
Loving anger
Forceful rebuttal
Tender sweetness: sign of beauty to come
Offering one’s life to the cause
Only to be showered with blessings to come
Much reward but much loss
Knowing the heart of my Father, the One
Disturbing Beauty…

Godly Sorrow that Lingers in Expectation

For once out of few times I am at a loss for words to fully describe why I am and have been so downcast today and all that is going on. Talking to my best friend, I think she put it best: God has given me His heart for His people; I do not feel things the same way as I used to nor do I see things the way I used to. He continues to take over in every way imaginable...that's really all I can elaborate on now. So I am going to let the word portray some important truths in my heart right now. 2 Corinithians comes to life tonight.

Chapter 1: 3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 5For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 6If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer...20For no matter how many promises God has made, they are "Yes" in Christ. And so through him the "Amen" is spoken by us to the glory of God. 21Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, 22set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

Chapter 2: 14But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him. 15For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. 16To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life. And who is equal to such a task? 17Unlike so many, we do not peddle the word of God for profit. On the contrary, in Christ we speak before God with sincerity, like men sent from God.

Chapter 3:10For what was glorious has no glory now in comparison with the surpassing glory. 11And if what was fading away came with glory, how much greater is the glory of that which lasts! 12Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. 13We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to keep the Israelites from gazing at it while the radiance was fading away. 14But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away. 15Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. 16But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. 17Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. 18And we, who with unveiled faces all reflectF3 the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

Chapter 4: 7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. 12So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. 13It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken." With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, 14because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. 15All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. 16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Chapter 5: 7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. 12So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. 13It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken."F5 With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, 14because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. 15All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. 16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

And finally: a cry of my heart as of late:
Chapter 7: 10Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. 11See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done.

Hungry

I'm not doing too well lately and it's hard to put my finger on it. Last week was a difficult one and it got better over the weekend; God was so faithful. Yet I find myself retreating back into that in a sense, but in a different way. Last week I was so discouraged and now I feel so hungry. I barely ate at all today because I didn't have time to and finally at 11 P.M., I had my first meal of the day. And through this time of very little food, it just reminded me what I feel and desire of God right now. My stomach didn't just growl, it clawed at me because it needed so much to make it content for the time being. Yet though I knew I could eat to temporarily satisfy what I needed, it still wouldn't be enough, for a time would come shortly thereafter where I would be hungry again. It's like when I was an athlete and could eat anything in sight; my metabolism would burn it up so much that in spite of how much I ate I would still lose weight. I feel like that now spiritually; in spite of what I am filled with my body just needs so much more and wants so much more. I can eat all the time and never feel full.

I find myself praising God ever so much more but as that happens I find myself less and less satisfied. He is working in every single second, I can't really put it into words, there are some things I must be silent about for now. But yet it's still not enough. I don't just want more, I NEED more. I don't quite know what it is, but I pray He will “search me, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23-24). And I know that “the lamp of the Lord searches the spirit of a man, it searches out his inmost being” (proverbs 20). As God strips me of so many different things I find He is building me up in His image, which is such an answer to prayer. Still, it brings such a paradox. because I have come so far yet have so infinitely far to go. In the midst of all of this He is revealing and giving me spiritual gifts that I don't quite understand yet, but am seeing the fruit of. It's hard for me to understand why He has put me in the position He has but I know I can't handle it by my own strength; I must handle it by His. And I know the deeper He draws me the more difficult and the more rewarding it will be.

I need God in the midst of this madness. Though I feel His breath upon my face I need Him so much more. I need Him in such a significant way that I can't even describe. I need to know and experience the things that I can't fathom at this time, but will later...

Cardboard and Glue

Cardboard and glue...related back to God...hmm too much time spent doing architecture projects. But as I work on this model I find a lot of parallelisms to different things...

These models call for precision, and that means cutting, measuring, drawing, doing everything to the exact specifications it calls for. The glue must not be showing but rather be holding everything together being apparently invisible. And it all calls to fit within a shadow.

Lately I have been reminded of and am learning the fact that God creates us in precision. He doesn't just slap together a couple of pieces and say, "yeah, this looks good enough." Rather He labored over every detail to make sure we were created in His image, that his work reflects the Creator. But because of our sinful flesh, we don't bear His image in the way that we should. In His faithfulness He continues to create us and perfect us into His likeness, so that we can represent our Creator.
And He is the glue that holds us together. I break without Him to sustain me and it baffles me how people live without Him. He is the one who keeps me together; He is the source of life.
And I dwell in the Shadow of the Almighty...I fit within His presence, though I don't understand why I am worthy. I praise Him for loving me ever the same, and praise Him for allowing me to be in the place that sustains me, in His presence.
So architecture models can still teach us about God...just have to be looking for it. I love how God speaks to me even through trivial things such as cardboard and glue...:-)

Scars and Strangers

There are many scars that occur in and as a result of a battle. Some appear to be surface wounds while others appear much deeper and life threatening. We look at those with the deep wounds and wonder how they are surviving and wonder how they still live with such a deep affliction. We wonder how these deep scars occurred and how they are affecting the person today, though they may have occurred long ago. Some wear their scars with pride, saying, “look at who I am and what I have been through. I am right to feel and act the way I do because I bear the mark of hurt.” And there are others who wear their scars in shame, saying, “I am ashamed to have been what I have, and I bear the mark of hurt and this will always be branded on me, why should I change? Obviously I deserved to have this happen to me so I might as well live the life of shame.” There are others who ignore it still, and say, “What? This scar you ask? I don’t remember it, don’t ask about it” when really they remember it so vividly and how it occurred and the pain it brought. In doing this they prevent themselves from ever receiving healing.

And there are the ones who have the surface wounds that don’t appear to be much. I remember as a kid that often the tiniest little cuts, the ones that you wouldn’t think hurt much, often bled the most. You couldn’t get it to stop bleeding though the source of hurt was so small. Though the wound and scar appears small the impact was long lasting. There are many people who have these surface wounds, these little scars all over themselves rather than just one severe wound. These are the times they have been hurt over and over again in different ways, and though it may have not been as severe as one life-threatening wound, it still had a long impact and is memorable. Think about all these little scars and the blood that poured out of them. That’s a significant loss. It is these people who remember lots of the little things that hurt and bear little scars from all of the different events, but lumped together they are often as significant or more so than one severe wound.

You walk around today and see these scars that people bear. Often times they tell a life story. Look into the eyes of people around you; I mean, REALLY look into the eyes of those people. You won’t see someone who has it all together, but I can almost guarantee that almost every single person you come across you will see as broken in some way. You will be able to see their scars, whether one deep wound or several little ones. I know that the ones with the deep wounds are easier to recognize because they wear it out more openly than others do; they aren’t able to hide it as well. But we must not forget those ones who seem to be okay, the ones with the little wounds all over because they will be hurting just as much if not more so. It is easier for them to put on a façade that things are really okay when they are not.

These people are in a battle. We all are. And through this battle people suffer wounds and bear the scars as a result. It is only through the power of Christ that we will find healing. It is only when the Holy Spirit moves that we will be restored. It is only when we seek Him out completely broken that He can redeem His people. And though it’s extremely difficult to feel other people’s burdens and pains, I pray that you will. I pray that you will see other people through His eyes and see the scars they bear. I pray that you will allow yourself to be a vessel for the Holy Spirit to show the love of God and the healing He can bring through you. And I pray that though we are in this battle, you can look ahead and see the beauty He will bring as a result.

Isaiah 8:11-14: “The Lord spoke to me with his strong hand upon me, warning me not to follow the way of this people. He said: ‘Do not call conspiracy everything these people call conspiracy; do not fear what they fear, and do not dread it. The Lord Almighty is the one you are to regard as holy, he is the one you are to fear, he is the one you are to dread, and he will be a sanctuary.”


Hebrews 11:8-10: "By faith-Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, though he did not know where he was going. By faith he made his home in the Promised Land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God."

A stranger in the land that’s yet to be the promised one
Place my tent upon the rock
For He is surely to be higher than I
Cast away the comforts I hold so tightly in my hands

In a land unbeknownst to where I am
The call to go resonated deep within the soul
As to where and when, I count these things but loss
For my inheritance rests solely in the Lord

Chorus
You have called me to go so here I am
No matter what the cost, here I stand
For I know I am a stranger of this world

A heir to the promise so everlasting
I long for the heavenly kingdom to come
You are my God, this I hold dear to my heart
Prepare the way to the city of You

Expectation

I find myself wanting so much more in everything. In everything. In my life, other peoples, this campus, this world, I want Christ to fill it to the fullest so it is brimming over with Him. I am not satisfied; I know there is so much more to Him. And I pray He will pour out both the good and the bad, because I know from personal experience, my entire life in so many ways, how so much good can come from the bad. But we must go through the bad first, because it is there we are humbled and stripped away of the things we hold so dear, in order to develop the kind of faith without reward. And through those times we persist and don’t see the light, we trust in knowing that the light exists. It’s like the earth at night, we don’t see the light for it is night, but we know it exists on the other side and is soon to come. I see this right now in so many things. I see this with my family and with my friends and this campus and so many other things. We aren’t seeing the light because He is on the other side, and so we wait in the darkness anticipating the light. So often have I been in that darkness, in that time of waiting and anticipating, knowing He is to come. And while the darkness brings much unexpected and often difficult, the dawn arises and light pours forth exposing everything, and often exposes much beauty; think of sunrises that create skies of splendor and purple mountain majesties. I feel as if we are in the night. Christ's light is on the other side, but it exists. We must go through the night of unexpectedness in order to see the beauty of the morning. I really experienced this last night as I came back to campus. It was a route I had been on several times before yet I didn’t recognize anything and found myself intimidated and unsure, yet as this morning came, I know the light washed away those things. Though pain is radiating in many ways, I still find myself with much joy and reverence. Such is the road He is bringing me on that I must trust Him in, and I know that through this many blessings will be bestowed. It takes the acts of God in order to advance the Kingdom, and that will come, I am sure of it. And that is the road I want to be on.

Paralyzed

I don't know what to say. I don't know what to think. I don't know how to handle what I feel. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to respond. I don't know how to move. I stand here paralyzed as I am so gripped by my Heavenly Father. Being in the secret place overwhelms me beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I can't handle it...I am moved beyond comprehension and I can't speak. He is so great and I am so small; yet His love grips me in a way I don't deserve and don't understand. I don't know what to do except stand still before Him and offer everything I am, everything I have, and everything I will be. And still it won't be enough to worship Him in accordance with what He deserves...I am paralyzed before my Lord for never have I been in this place before. I gasp for the living breath of life for I know He is the only thing I need, and oh, how I need and want so much of Him!

And I...

There's a ticking clock showing a measurement of time
Ever so surely it persists in the back of my mind
For I find myself watching, waiting, anticipating more
Not yet fully realizing You've called me to get up off the floor
It's time to proclaim the day of vengeance, the year of favor of Our Lord

There's a steady beating in my heart showing a measurement of love
Ever so surely it presists deep within my soul
For I find myself on my knees, listening, praying ever more
Not even close to praising You in accordance to what I feel
It's time to proclaim the goodness of His love, His presence ever so real

Chorus
And I kneel... to give You the praise You deserve
And I weep... at the beauty of You, Lord
And I sing... consuming love songs reigning in my heart
And I stand... to proclaim the glory of You, Lord
And I live... to worship, worship You alone

There's a river flowing showing the movement of You
Ever so surely it flows over the bumps and bends
For we find ourselves coming together as one
Not able to comprehend all You are yet to do
It's time to proclaim the fullness of You, the Gospel ever so true

I Stand Amazed

Exultation, Adoration, Holy Father You are
Admiration, Devotion, Our Savior You are
Honor and Praise, endless glorification
Our lives pay tribute to Your praise
I stand amazed
Holy Spirit, as You move in this place
I stand amazed

Caution

Jeremiah 23:9-40

9 Concerning the prophets: My heart is broken within me; all my bones tremble. I am like a drunken man, like a man overcome by wine, because of the LORD and his holy words. 10 The land is full of adulterers; because of the curse the land lies parched and the pastures in the desert are withered. The prophets follow an evil course and use their power unjustly. 11 "Both prophet and priest are godless; even in my temple I find their wickedness," declares the LORD . 12 "Therefore their path will become slippery; they will be banished to darkness and there they will fall. I will bring disaster on them in the year they are punished," declares the LORD . 13 "Among the prophets of Samaria I saw this repulsive thing: They prophesied by Baal and led my people Israel astray. 14 And among the prophets of Jerusalem I have seen something horrible: They commit adultery and live a lie. They strengthen the hands of evildoers, so that no one turns from his wickedness. They are all like Sodom to me; the people of Jerusalem are like Gomorrah." 15 Therefore, this is what the LORD Almighty says concerning the prophets: "I will make them eat bitter food and drink poisoned water, because from the prophets of Jerusalem ungodliness has spread throughout the land." 16 This is what the LORD Almighty says: "Do not listen to what the prophets are prophesying to you; they fill you with false hopes. They speak visions from their own minds, not from the mouth of the LORD . 17 They keep saying to those who despise me, 'The LORD says: You will have peace.' And to all who follow the stubbornness of their hearts they say, 'No harm will come to you.' 18 But which of them has stood in the council of the LORD to see or to hear his word? Who has listened and heard his word? 19 See, the storm of the LORD will burst out in wrath, a whirlwind swirling down on the heads of the wicked. 20 The anger of the LORD will not turn back until he fully accomplishes the purposes of his heart. In days to come you will understand it clearly. 21 I did not send these prophets, yet they have run with their message; I did not speak to them, yet they have prophesied. 22 But if they had stood in my council, they would have proclaimed my words to my people and would have turned them from their evil ways and from their evil deeds. 23 "Am I only a God nearby," declares the LORD , "and not a God far away? 24 Can anyone hide in secret places so that I cannot see him?" declares the LORD . "Do not I fill heaven and earth?" declares the LORD . 25 "I have heard what the prophets say who prophesy lies in my name. They say, 'I had a dream! I had a dream!' 26 How long will this continue in the hearts of these lying prophets, who prophesy the delusions of their own minds? 27 They think the dreams they tell one another will make my people forget my name, just as their fathers forgot my name through Baal worship. 28 Let the prophet who has a dream tell his dream, but let the one who has my word speak it faithfully. For what has straw to do with grain?" declares the LORD . 29 "Is not my word like fire," declares the LORD , "and like a hammer that breaks a rock in pieces? 30 "Therefore," declares the LORD , "I am against the prophets who steal from one another words supposedly from me. 31 Yes," declares the LORD , "I am against the prophets who wag their own tongues and yet declare, 'The LORD declares.' 32 Indeed, I am against those who prophesy false dreams," declares the LORD . "They tell them and lead my people astray with their reckless lies, yet I did not send or appoint them. They do not benefit these people in the least," declares the LORD . False Oracles and False Prophets 33 "When these people, or a prophet or a priest, ask you, 'What is the oracle F46 of the LORD ?' say to them, 'What oracle? F47 I will forsake you, declares the LORD .' 34 If a prophet or a priest or anyone else claims, 'This is the oracle of the LORD ,' I will punish that man and his household. 35 This is what each of you keeps on saying to his friend or relative: 'What is the LORD's answer?' or 'What has the LORD spoken?' 36 But you must not mention 'the oracle of the LORD ' again, because every man's own word becomes his oracle and so you distort the words of the living God, the LORD Almighty, our God. 37 This is what you keep saying to a prophet: 'What is the LORD's answer to you?' or 'What has the LORD spoken?' 38 Although you claim, 'This is the oracle of the LORD ,' this is what the LORD says: You used the words, 'This is the oracle of the LORD ,' even though I told you that you must not claim, 'This is the oracle of the LORD .' 39 Therefore, I will surely forget you and cast you out of my presence along with the city I gave to you and your fathers. 40 I will bring upon you everlasting disgrace-everlasting shame that will not be forgotten."

False prophets tell lies because they haven’t heard the word of God though they claim to and speak anyways. God didn’t send the prophets yet they still prophesied about him, they ran with a false message. God states “His anger will not turn back until he fully accomplishes the purposes of his heart” (vs 20). Yet, if these same prophets had stood in the council of God, they would’ve been able to do something good and turned the people away from evil. God fills Heaven and earth so we have no excuse not to turn to Him and hear. “Let the prophet who has a dream tell his dream but let the one who has my word speak it faithfully” (vs 28). Visions, prophesy, all things of the similar nature, are nothing unless rooted in the word of God. We have full freedom to speak the Word, but only the word, for the word is like fire. When we talk and proclaim the things of God that are not rooted in the word we are leading people with reckless lies and it becomes more dangerous to the people rather than help to them. God casts those who profess lies out of His presence and puts everlasting shame upon them. So it is CRITICAL that we must stay in the word of God, and stay in prayer. We must not speak unless it is God, the Holy Spirit, and founded in the word. It is better to say nothing than to say something false, for false words are more dangerous than silence.

We have so much power in the Holy Spirit and like any power, it can be used for good or evil, though I know that the Holy Spirit won’t move us to do evil. Basically because we know this power it is easy to think that we’re doing fine all the time and continue to talk and talk as if the power is moving through us, but it’s possible to think that it is when it really isn’t, and so we profess as if the Holy Spirit was moving within us and we instead say false things. We can do so much damage and we must be extremely careful as to what we say. For example, I shouldn’t make something spiritual just to make it spiritual; I need to be honest with myself and others for out of God's grace and truth the most will be done for His kingdom. And also, the prophesy and visions aren’t bad; You spoke to some of the greatest leaders in the Bible through such things, BUT it MUST be rooted in the word, if it’s not of the word, it’s crafted of us and is not of You, thus if we proclaim those visions and prophesy without any solid ground in the word confirming those things, we can bring so much harm.

It’s kind of like God is the premium bottle of wine…His taste and abundance lives up to the label, and that’s why no other wines can truly be of the same wine as Him. Yet there will be some who try to claim they do and produce a similar wine, saying that it is as fruitful and as abundant as this premium wine, and they will probably jack up the price similar but slightly less expensive than the premium because if it’s expensive, it must be good, right? So people buy the slightly less expensive one because it’s supposed to be as good as the expensive one, yet it’s cheaper, it won’t cost as much. And when they try it, they think it is wonderful because it was expensive and is supposed to be as good as the other one, but how do they know, because they haven’t tried the premium wine? So they fool themselves into thinking they had this premium wine for it cost so much yet they really had a knockoff and completely missed out on the experience of the premium. And they won’t know this until they try the premium, but after having the “supposedly premium,” why would they have any reason to try the more expensive stuff if it’s exactly the same? Following Christ costs so much because He has called us to lay our lives down for Him. But as we pay that price, we experience the fruit of Him and His abundance and know that it was worth it to pay that price. Nothing else is close to the same level as Him. Yet often times we try the cheaper brand that claims to be of the same quality and if we don’t experience the high quality, we never know what we’re missing out on. And so as messengers of the Word, with the power we have in the Holy Spirit, it is very possible for us to present the “comparable quality” God instead of the real thing. This is what we do when we speak and act without it being rooted in the word of God. We have authority as Christians, authority God given, and people look to that and see it. They will take what we say to be the real thing because how do they know otherwise? And so when we speak and act without it being rooted in the word of God, we are in a sense presenting them with the cheaper brand of God that is supposedly comparable and because they don’t know any better, they take it to be the premium and don’t see reason to seek more or don’t even know that there is so much better. We don’t want them to experience the knockoff, we want them to experience Him to the fullest.

So we must make sure that we are rooted in the word in everything we say and do. We don’t want to lead people astray because we lack the Word when it’s right there in front of us. We need to present the gospel to the fullest, and not water it down and say that it’s all going to be easy and life will be perfect and everything, because that’s presenting them with a lesser God. We need to be true to the word, and one of the most critical things about the Gospel I believe is in Matthew 16:24-25: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.” We must die to our lives in order to come after Christ and that’s not going to be easy. It’s a road that few fully go on, but one that reaps rewards beyond anything we can comprehend. So in presenting the Gospel out of truth and in the word, we are showing them how though it will be difficult, it will be more than worth it. This is just one example of how we talk to people and can use it for either harm or good. We must be extremely careful as to what we say and profess and make sure it is of Him. It is better to be silent than to say false words that will lead people astray.

Less than a Drop in the Bucket yet Known by Name

Could it really be?
That the Lord of all the earth has my name engraved on His palms?
That within all of his infinite Holiness He knows me by name?
Could it really be?
That the Creator of the universe--His image I bear?
That despite my sinful flesh He’ll mold my heart to His?

To my knees I fall as You move me to tears in this place so intimate
Beyond words and comprehension, Your love never will I understand
My hands and heart lifted in worship, sheer worship that will last all of my days
Groanings I cannot express, I cry out endless praise
You surpass anything I can comprehend
I worship You

I am less than a drop in the bucket yet You know that drop by name
You are holy beyond belief yet You love me the same
Hold me close to Your heart like the lambs You gather in Your arms
So perfect is Your adoration of Your creation Holy Father are You


I'm so incredibly amazed at my Heavenly Father, my Savior, my everything. I will never be able to get my mind around the perfect love He shows and the infinitude of Him, and that is why I worship...I'm blown away because He doesn't need us yet we are still here; He created us out of love and we are called to worship Him, for every good and perfect gift is from Him. The nations, all the nations in the entire world are a drop in the bucket compared to Him (Isaiah 40:15)and all that we see done in this world, whether it be for good or for bad, those are all a drop in the bucket compared to God and what He can do. Out of this I find myself in extreme reverence and extreme fear, for all of the good we have seen of this world, He is far, far above that, and then all of the bad we have seen of this world, such as the most horrible wars and diseases, He can bring much, much more than that. And what a tender, passionate lover He is…He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart…could it really be? Could it really be that He has called me by name and has my name engraven on His palms? I don’t understand how such a good and perfect Lord could love me as much as He does… and I’m moved to tears. He is such an intimate, personal God and it blows me away how much He moves me and speaks to me. It blows me away how I can never get enough of His love and I keep running into His arms for it. It amazes me how much He has thoroughly blessed me and how I’ve only received a taste of what He has to bring. It amazes me that He still calls me by name and is raising me up to do things beyond my comprehension and understanding. And because He is good and perfect, He created us all with free will. Yet as Tozer said, giving up our lives to Him is not giving up our free will, it is exercising it by giving our lives to Him, to one who understands us far better than we understand ourselves. And so I am exercising my free will and giving my life to Him, for He understands me far better than I know myself. All of these things deep within my heart that I cannot express He knows full well, for He is the bearer of those things. I am less than a drop in the bucket yet He knows that drop by name, and He loves that drop far beyond any understanding. I worship You, Lord. I worship You.

Tears

Tears of brokenness
Tears of redemption
Tears of praise
Tears of humility
Tears of awe
Tears of fear
Tears of wonder
Tears of anger
Tears of love
Tears of sin
Tears of purity
Tears of desolation
Tears of joy
Tears of pain
Tears of healing
Tears of exhaustion
Tears of rest
Tears of meekness
Tears of confidence
Tears of adoration
Tears of beauty
Tears of peace
Tears in reverence
Tears in worship
Tears freely fall
My tears on Your heart, O Lord

Merry CHRISTmas

A Welcome Invasion

To put it in my friend Colin's words, my life has been invaded. I found myself astounded yet again this morning when I woke up, because somehow, through the Holy Spirit, I am even praying while I am sleeping...and I'm somewhat conscious of that and then I wake up and see how these prayers are being answered...It's really difficult to explain because it's still so new to me, but it's incredible. Even in my time of slumber, God has invaded my life. It's like in Romans 8:22-27: “We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves who have the first fruits of the Spirit groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For it is in this hope we were saved…In the same way the Spirit helps us with our weakness. We do not what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit intercedes for us with groans our words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.”
Reading that blows me away because I am seeing this being fulfilled in my life....the Holy Spirit intercedes for me in such ways I can't explain.

Every single moment of every day is accounted for by Him. I can’t help but dwell on His goodness and His promises and what He is doing in and through me and others. I find myself living in the fruit of His spirit, His word on my tongue, my mind focused on His blessings and challenges. And being in this position He is pouring out abundantly His wisdom, knowledge, and grace; I find myself completely overwhelmed and there is no way I can take it all in. I praise Him for these precious gifts He is giving me and fulfilling His purpose for me in spite of who I am, in spite of my weaknesses and sinful flesh. He has overcome the world and He has consumed me. I find myself humbled before Him that He would call me to so much. But as He consumes me second by second, I see that it is no longer me but Him taking over. 1 Cor 6:19-20 states, “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own, you were bought at a price.” I feel as if I am not my own because it’s Him completely. It’s a surreal place to be in so many ways. Even now as I type this, it’s surreal…

Last night as God continued to speak to me both in Spirit and through the word, He really spoke through a chapter of Tozer. He explained what and why what happened in the last year before college did. I know this will be a long chapter, but I must share it with you.
“The Ministry of the Night,” That Incredible Christian, Tozer
“If God has singled you out to be a special object of His grace you may expect Him to honor you with stricter discipline and greater suffering than less favored ones are called upon to endure. And right here let me anticipate the objection someone is sure to raise, that God has no “specials” among His children. The Holy Scriptures and Christian history agree to show that He has. Star differs from star in glory among the saints on earth as well as among the glorified in heaven. Without question the differences exist, but whether they are by the decree of God or by His foreknowledge of the degree of receptivity He will find among His children, I am not prepared to say with certainty, though I would lean strongly to the latter view.
If God sets out to make you an unusual Christian He is not likely to be as gentle as He is usually pictured by the popular teachers. A sculptor does not use a manicure set to reduce the rude, unshapely marble to a thing of beauty. The saw, the hammer, and the chisel are cruel tools, but without them the rough stone must remain forever formless and unbeautiful. To do His supreme work of grace within you He will take from your heart everything you love most. Everything you trust in will go from you. Piles of ashes will lie where your most precious treasures used to be.
This is not to teach the sanctifying power of poverty. If to be poor made man holy every tramp on a park bench would be a saint. But God knows the secret of removing things from our hearts while they still remain to us. What He does is restrain us from enjoying them. He lets us have them but makes us psychologically unable to let our hearts go out to them. Thus they are useful without being harmful. All this God will accomplish at the expense of the common pleasures that have up to that time supported your life and made it zestful. Now under the careful treatment of the Holy Spirit your life may become dry, tasteless and to some degree a burden to you.
While in this state you will exist by a kind of blind will to live; you will find none of the inward sweetness you had enjoyed before. The smile of God will be for the time withdrawn, or at least hidden from your eyes. Then you will learn what faith is; you will find out the hard way, but in the only way open to you, that true faith lies in the will, that the joy unspeakable of which the apostle speaks is not itself faith but a slow ripening fruit of faith; and you will learn that present spiritual joys may come and go as they will without altering you spiritual status or in any way affecting your position as a true child of the heavenly Father. And you will also learn, probably to your astonishment, that is possible to live in all good conscience before God and men and still feel nothing of the peace and joy you hear talked about so much by immature Christians.
How long you continue in this night of the soul will depend upon a number of factors, some of which you may be able to later to identify, while others will remain with God, completely hidden from you. The words ‘the day is thine, the night is also thine’ will now be interpreted for you by the best of all teachers, the Holy Spirit; and you will know by personal experience what a blessed thing is the ministry of the night.
But there is a limit to man’s ability to live without joy. Even Christ could endure the cross only because of the joy set before Him. The strongest steel breaks if kept too long under unrelieved tension. God knows exactly how much pressure each one of us can take. He knows how long we can endure the night, so He gives the soul relief, first by welcome glimpses of the morning star and then by the fuller light that harbingers the morning. Slowly you will discover God’s love in your suffering. Your heart will begin to approve the whole thing. You will learn from yourself what all the schools in the world could not teach you—the healing action of faith without supporting pleasure. You will feel and understand the ministry of the night; its power to purify, to detach to humble, to destroy the fear of death, and what is more important to you at the moment, the fear of life. And you will learn that sometimes pain can do what even joy cannot, such as exposing the vanity of earth’s trifles and filling your heart with longing for the peace of heaven.
What I write here is in no way original. This has been discovered anew by each generation of Christian seekers and is almost a cliché of the deeper life. Yet it needs to be said to this generation of believers often and with emphasis, for the type of Christianity now in vogue does not include anything as serious and as difficult as this. The quest of the modern Christian is likely to be for peace of mind and spiritual joy, with a good degree of material prosperity thrown in as an external proof of the divine favor. Some will understand this, however, if the number is relatively small, and they will constitute the hard core of practicing saints so badly needed at this serious hour if New Testament Christianity is to survive to the next generation.”

I am an unusual Christian. Amazing grace. A welcome invasion.

Isaiah 46:8-13: “Remember this, fix it in mind, take it to heart, you rebels. Remember the former things, those of long ago; I am God and there is no other, I am God and there is none like me. I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come. I say: My purpose will stand, and I will do all I please. From the east I summon a bird of prey; from a far off land, a man to fulfill my purpose. What I have said, that I will bring about; what I have planned, that I will do. Listen to me, you stubborn-hearted, you who are far from my righteousness. I am bringing my righteousness near, it is not far away; and my salvation will not be delayed. I will grant salvation to Zion, my splendor to Israel.”

Enter this Place

Isaiah 61:3, Matthew 5:45

A wildfire blazing through the parched land
The land that needed water so desperately but failed to drink
And so ablaze, the flames burn
Scorch the grains that ceased to grow
Only ashes remain

Holy Spirit burn, be an all consuming fire
Smolder the things not of You, let it fall into ashes,
fall into ashes, so a crown of beauty can be bestowed

Chorus
Holy Spirit, come, come, come, enter this place

A downpour of rain drenches the weary land
The land swallows it whole, still unsatisfied, looks the other way
And so damp, the rain falls
Floods the desolation and rejection
Washes away the sin

Holy Spirit, rain, pour out Your grace
Wash away the things not of You, let it flood this place,
Flood this place, so righteousness can be restored

Chorus
Holy Spirit, come, come, come, enter this place

From the broken ground seed be brought forth
The land produces fruit made in the likeness of good
And so thriving, oaks grow
Display of splendor and majesty
Planting of the Lord

Chorus
Holy Spirit, come, come, come, enter this place

Grip of Eternity

This is a long one...beware.

Opposition has been such a central theme of late. Never before have I faced so much opposition personally and have heard of fierce opposition going on in my brother and sister’s lives as well. God is moving with us and showing us each so much and Satan is so unhappy with that. With me, there were so many different things that happened. Basically praying with power for my family started so much opposition because I know how God is going to use them in HUGE ways when they turn to Him and Satan opposes that bitterly. I know how much God can use me through that and I’m seeing that…never before have I seen my mom seeking what I have so earnestly; God is beckoning her and it’s coming soon, I know this. Then God has really been leading me to change my major and it’s been a long process, but I finally figured out what I am supposed to be doing (which still has to happen, but I know God will work it out), and basically it’s going to be a bachelor in fine arts with a concentration in graphic design and then a minor in graphic communication. It’s kind of hard to explain exactly how this all will work and apply to my life with what God wants me to do…this I can’t completely divulge right now, but as soon as this was decided, the attack started on me like I have never experienced before and from that I know God has some absolutely amazing plans in this that Satan is so unhappy with that he had to bring me down as hard as he could. I was sick and I couldn’t move or get out of bed, every time I stood up I almost passed out and it was such a battle…my mind was sharp because I knew that this was his attempt to bring me down and after the very beginning I wouldn’t let him have control of my mind so he had to try to bring me down with my body. My flesh is so weak, I hate it, but my God is stronger still, and fought for me He did and is. As I was laying in bed and couldn’t move, God brought me to Isaiah and spoke to me in such sweet, amazing ways…God’s given me two very specific visions with the Cal Poly campus and the last one showed how what happens at Cal Poly will spread out to the world, that last part I’m not exactly sure of how yet, but God confirmed those visions with His word. It was Isaiah 59:19: -“From the west, men will fear the name of the Lord, and from the rising of the sun, they will revere his glory. For he will come like a pent-up flood that the breath of the Lord drives along.” Over this entire break I have been praying that while Cal Poly is slumbering, God will enter it in a way He never has before and completely consume it. As a result of these prayers God gave me two visions of what will happen, and it’s so intense yet so beautiful…I came face to face with my Lord as a result and was sobbing in sheer emotion, every kind of emotion you can imagine. So that was amazing to see how God fought for me and showed me so much even in the midst of so much opposition. And God brought me out of it, my Lord fought for me like He promises He will, and He is always faithful. I am still experiencing the warfare in some dimension rather constantly because God is calling me and showing me so much that Satan will always be opposing that. Tozer states that “The Spirit-filled life, as many might suppose, is not a life of peace and quiet pleasure. It is likely to be viewed as something quite opposite,” and this is so true. But never will I trade it. Never will I give it up, and I pray you won’t either. We have tasted and seen what is good, and why should we ever return back to what isn’t, no matter what the sacrifice we must make shall be? And there were other passages in Isaiah that uplifted and encouraged me, along with one specific passage stating God’s purpose for me in so many ways…but that is something I must let Him continue to cultivate within me.

It’s weird because this is my first time being home in 3 months, this is where I was born and raised, yet I haven’t liked being home, and I couldn’t figure out why for the longest time. But it’s clear now. Basically the last 9 or so months I was here was an extremely dry period for me and though God still prepared me and was faithful, I hated being in that position and don’t ever want to go back. Going to SLO I have experienced the abundant river of life in every way, fashion and form, and so coming back here reminds me of that stagnation I had in so many ways and it just kind of left a bad taste in my mouth. God brought me to SLO for so many reasons, reasons I know now and many I have yet to see. But that doesn’t mean that when I am home that I must return to that stagnation. I was really convicted last night talking with a good friend of mine from high school. Looking back I really see now how God was able to use me in many ways with people in high school, for God allowed me to love them and be there for them in ways other people weren’t. And I saw this last night with my friend. It’s a really really long story about who she is and what she’s been through, but basically she’s been raised Mormon, so she has some good beliefs and some off the wall beliefs. She was engaged and now is not though plans remain to be married to this guy in Iraq. He just left a couple of weeks ago for his second tour, and God has been breaking Dani and convicting her how she hasn’t been living the life she should be and how she wandered so far from God. It was amazing to see how God placed me before her in this exact time, for I was able to speak to her about brokenness and the beauty of our Lord in healing that, and also speak of my own experiences in that very thing. She knows she needs to be right with God before anything with her “fiancée” can happen. We talked some about Mormon doctrine, and though I disagreed with so much of it, more so last night than ever I realized how the gospel MUST be a gospel of love. I know that is why my parents aren’t Christians today, because the gospel was never spoken to them out of love, but rather out of fear and anger. And though there were things I strongly disagreed with in the doctrine, that wasn’t what was important. What was important was showing her God’s love and being honest with her that things aren’t always going to be easy, and especially this time of brokenness and conviction won’t be, but how God is always faithful to it. It was amazing to see the Holy Spirit at work in this two and a half hour conversation because we were both near tears and she almost broke because God was using me in so many ways to convict her and show her hope and love, and it was an amazing place to be. We are called to speak the truth out of love, and if we don’t do this, then all we do is push people away. I am experiencing this more than ever, because God are placing so much love for others within me, and I’m able to speak the gospel to them so much more because of the love being shown, and they are so much more receptive to it. We must be messengers of love. And it might seem like I’m saying that out of this presenting the gospel of love, we’re watering it down so that it’s not the full gospel being presented. But it’s so far from the truth. Look at how God has completely captured us with His love and peace and everything, and how our lives drip with that. Though we face so much opposition, our lives drip with those fruits of the spirit, and that’s what we are presenting the Gospel out of. We let those things overflow into other people’s lives so that through us, they can experience what knowing You is all about because they see who You are in our lives. And because of seeing that and seeing how we are genuine, which is so critical, they want that for themselves too and it challenges them and makes them think and seriously ponder what it is all about.

I just got done watching this ABC news special about different views of Heaven, from different perspectives and religions. New Life, a church 5 min from my house, was on there, with Ted Haggard and the Furnace and then Joel Osteen’s church and then the Dali Lama and an Islam head and then other various people as well. I got so frustrated as I watched this because I’m so tired of seeing truth being so distorted and it really saddens me to see that God is being reduced to so little, such as scientists claiming that our spirituality is due to a gene mutation within us. Why do we, the world, accept such fiction as fact, when Our God is an ever-present God and He is the very source of life? Even in Islam, their view of heaven is paradise, which is the most worldly thing I’ve heard of. If you are a martyr, then you receive 72 virgins when you go to paradise to enjoy, and there are streams of milk and honey and everything so you can fulfill your desires of the flesh. What kind of heaven is this? What is the point of heaven if it’s that worldly? My heart breaks for the people who believe this because they are missing out on so much. There were atheists talking about how we didn’t exist before we were born and we won’t exist after we die, this life is all that we have and we might as well make the most of it. But in that, all they receive is the satisfaction of fulfilling the desires of the flesh and pursuing a world that is wandering so aimlessly and we know that never will they be satisfied. The Dali Lama talked about how we must be good. The purpose of life is to be good, so you will be reborn and reach Nirvana eventually. I don’t know about you but I want more than good. I want more than a worldly heaven. I want more than just spiritual experiences that are contributed to a supposedly “mutant” gene within me. I know my God and I know who He is and I know He can be that and so much more to everyone, and it breaks my heart that they don’t know that. I get this sick feeling because so much of the world is so blind to who He is and it’s so sad to see how He is going to have to break them in order for them to acknowledge that yes, He is God and He possesses all wisdom and power and glory. And it’s weird that I’ve been exposed to so much doctrine and religion over the past two days, starting with a Mormon friend last night and continuing on to tonight. It’s saddening and sickening to see the focus of this world so distorted to what it should be. God has created us in His image yet we are so far from that. People are uncomfortable with the truth because it requires humility and brokenness and fear and because they don’t want to face that, they are creating their own versions of truth or following one that makes them comfortable. And I don’t know about everyone else but I am so tired of being comfortable. I want to be face to face with my God and His Glory and power and if it strikes me dead because it’s too much to handle, so be it. But there is nothing else I want and I don’t want a watered-down God, I want God in the fullest way, in His full presence and glory. I want all of the power he has to bestow upon us. And I want this world to wake up and see God for who He is, and I don’t care how uncomfortable it makes people. It’s time to be uncomfortable. It’s time to fear, it’s time to be broken, because no longer can we go on in the ways we are. There’s so much more I can say that God has risen up in me, but that’s sufficient for now. So I pray in Christ’s name that He will arise the nations, cast them down to a point of brokenness so they see Him and then have them fear Him and turn to Him. I’m crying as I write this because it saddens me so much that we are at this point as a world, and that people are going to have to go through this, but I know my God is greater and that His purpose is eternal. Therefore, I pray He will do whatever it takes to restore these people back to Him.

God is amazingly beautiful at what He does with everything. I am seeing this in my life especially as He’s clarifying so many things in my life and really cultivating what my testimony is. I am seeing how He plucked me from the miry pit, from the depths of near hell, and has been unbelievable in bringing me to where I am today. Though I have so far to go and still hate my flesh, I know God will complete His good work in me. And I pray He will capture you all in the same way and take you deeper and higher and farther than you’ve ever been before, even in the midst of opposition, because there’s no better place to be.

Grip of Eternity
Here I am in the grip of eternity
No longer in the grip of the one who tries to pull me down
Never again blind to his foolish schemes
You have called me by name and that’s who I’m going to be

In Your arms will I stay
In Your arms will I be
Knowing Your touch tangibly
Will I go? Will I stray?
No, never, because I know that’s a price too heavy to pay
So forever here will I be, in the grip of eternity
Nowhere else I’d rather be

The power You have given I receive
The power You’ve given isn’t fully for free
There’s a price to pay and myself I lay
For your fire to consume me
Every sacrifice to make, there I will be
In the grip of eternity

Amazing Grace

God told me to take a drive last night and so I obeyed and let His Holy Spirit lead me. How abundant were His rewards! I'm beyond words so this is an attempt to show how simple obedience is and the power of His rewards.

Go. Keys. Drive. East. North. Praise. North. Pray. North. Still. Stop. Enter. Drink. Gaze. Stars. Think. Listen. See. Hear. Breathe. Moon. Ablaze. Stunned. Heard. Turn. Look. Gasp. Whispers. Love. LOVE. LOVE. Radiant. Tears. Stream. Flow. Unceasingly. Worship. Sacrifice. Road. Broken. Glory. Revealed. Simple. Faith. Amazing. Grace. Amazing. Grace.

May You?

May the price of following You cost so much?
May the sacrifices we give be reaped?
May the choices we make not hurt?
May the ideals we hold be rewarded?
May the longings of our hearts be fulfilled?
May the gift of Heaven surpass this temporary world?
May the fear of You let us revere You still?
May the grace of knowing You set us free?
Yes.
Abba Father.
I BELIEVE.

Fear

I’m gripped with fear before You for I see the things You must do
To return these people so blind to who You are
No longer will You allow them to think themselves higher than You, our Creator
And so humbled and broken they must be
Your justice be poured out accordingly
Return this world back to the Only One we should obey
Put us, make us fall on our knees and grasp the lowly position, let us be meek
Let us be restored to Your Glory
I fear You because I know that sometimes so much beauty can only come from so much pain
But it’s necessary, this I understand and leave in Your hands
Because my cry and my prayer is that no longer will this world deny Your existence
The existence that is the very reason that I live
No longer will they be blind to who You are
Though I fear, may Your wrath be poured out accordingly
And purify a people that are Your very own

Strip Away

Strip away the things I hold so dear
I come before You seeking Your answer to this prayer of mine
Letting go of everything
I know my life can’t and never should be in my hands

Nothing am I O Lord, except in You I pray I find my worth
Cast away my flesh that keeps holding me down
In Your likeness, in Your presence You have called me
Dear Lord, let that be where I am found

Chorus
I want everything You have to give and nothing more of me
For it is through Your grace I am finally free
There…let me be

Fulfill these plans You have in store, Your treasure may You pour forth
Upon me, I’m willing to receive
The blessing and burden of knowing You Lord, for You are everything
Everything to me

Infinite

God moves in so many ways beyond our understanding....

Down I look at my hand, seeing one not of my own
between the fingers is One so intertwined
that in every movement of His I correspond

And as I look into His holiness, wonderfulness, radiant majesty
I see One so infinite beyond belief
Never will I fully understand

A surrendered heart uninhibited, not mine but fully His
Responds to the movement of the spirit by power and grace
An offering at the altar, for all of me shall be given to Him

And as I look into His holiness, wonderfulness, radiant majesty
I see One so infinite beyond belief
Never will I fully understand

As if looking in a mirror, He's shining back at me
Brimming with the spirit, His temple may I always be
In every act of life may I be poured out for His glory

Stranger of this World

Psalm 119:17-20: "Do good to Your servant, and I will live; I will obey Your word. Open my eyes that I may see wonderful things in Your law. I am a stranger here on earth; do not hide Your commands from me. My soul is consumed with longings for Your laws at all times."

It was really interesting today because as I watched this unbelievable sunset on campus, one of the best I have seen in a long time, I found myself feeling such loneliness and longing within my heart. I feel as I'm the author of the above Psalm in so many ways. As I've just started to feel comfortable here in SLO and at Cal Poly, God chose to rip me away from that, and it's been good as I've been reminded that I am a stranger of this world; my citizenship isn't of here but of Heaven, I am called Heavenward in Christ Jesus. And through this, He's making it more clear than ever why He's calling me to the ends of the earth, because it is only when I'm out of my comfort zone in ways more than I could possibly reason or bear, He is able to work through me to the fullest because I'm solely relying on His strength. In our most vulnerable places, God's able to show His glory and beauty in ways beyond comprehension because it is there that we do not rely on ourselves but cry out for the living God instead.

It is only God who satisfies, but yet, as He satisfies, I only find myself longing for more because I know there's no limit to our God and who He is and what He has in store. I continue to pray that God will not hide His commands from me, because I am a slave bonded to Christ Jesus and there's no other person I'd rather be. And in the Tozer book I'm reading right now, he wrote, "in God's presence [the Christian] feels overwhelmed and undone, yet there is nowhere else he would rather be than in that presence." Though I feel overwhelmed and undone, there is no place I'd rather be.

It’s been interesting walking around campus with a heightened sense of awareness, in a sense, seeing things as if by the eyes of our Father. He's been doing that so much since I got here, and I find myself at such unrest because there’s an outward appearance of peace and calm on the campus, people content and happy, while it’s so far from the actual reality. And so often I find myself praying to Him to wake up this generation and have them fall on their knees and revere Him, for Him to open their eyes and capture their hearts like never before. I’m sick of watching people satisfy the flesh and following the aimless ways of this world, even Christians on campus do this too. How long are we going to be blind to His presence and His glory and purpose? How can we be blind to it? I continue to pray He will wake them up and arouse their spirits to see that this world has nothing to offer them, but He has everything to offer them, and they must turn to Him to receive that.

It’s also been interesting to see how instead of being on the inside with ministry here on campus, such as being more intimate with people and friendships, so often I find myself on the outside because God has placed me there. Even the people he's placed before me, though I still play a role, it’s a different role than I expected. I’m still praying He will reveal that to me, because it’s not very clear right now. Right now I’ve really seen how He's put the passion within me to discipleship and raise up leaders, and I wonder if that might be part of His purpose for me on the outside, to see the situation as a whole and do what needs to be done accordingly to His will. But God is faithful, this I know full well, and He will reveal it to me as He wishes.

I urge you though, don't sit back any longer. Take hold of our God, strong and mighty in power yet a tender lover at the same time. See and understand the abundant life He's called you to. Because I promise you, once you've experienced it, you too will find there's no other place you'd rather be.