Heart

Heart...oh heart. How I need my Lord to be the keeper of my heart!

I often wonder why exactly God created me with the heart I have. I know that it is in His perfect plan and I trust in that fact, but still I wonder...
I am probably one of the most sensitive persons one would meet, but I think very few know that. I don't show it easily or openly. It's been trampled on too many times that I am reluctant to show it or put it out in the open. Since I became a Christian 5 years ago, God has restored my heart in ways I still can't fathom. He's taken what has been broken and made it full again. Through His grace He has shown me what it is like to love purely, innocently, fully...He has given me a sliver of what we all should live and feel like every moment of every day. To feel things so intensely that literally you are paralyzed with emotion, because we as mere humans can't grasp it. To love those around us in ways they have never experienced before because it's Christ's love and then in turn, it changes us in profound ways as well.

I get scared at times at the intensity at which I feel, in which the heart that God has given me speaks to me so strongly. It seems like when I break down the walls and expose its beauty, I am rewarded by and see God in such profound ways, but as soon as that happens, the bitter enemy of my heart jumps in and gets his foothold in me in the things I hold so dear. I recognize this and know this, yet it's such an intense battle because it's that which is so precious to me, the heart my Father has given me. It's intense because it's such a pure and perfect thing of Him--our hearts are where He dwells--that Satan opposes it so severely. I really hate Satan because of this because I am so tired of him trying to take all that is good and twist it and distort it in his obvious attempt to get me to fall.

On a really good side of this, it's been amazing to see how God is using all of this in order that I may understand the girls on my floor, the ones so on my heart, better. I can remember where I once was and see how far I've come and know where they are coming from and in turn see where they can be. The heart is so central.

Why do I long for so much when it seems like I have so little? And why do I long for so much when I can't even handle what He does give me? Why has He created me with the intensity of heart that I have...the intensity in every aspect? Why are these walls still up; the ones that prevent me from showing my full character? And when these walls are down, why is it too much for me to bear? As God created me in His image, and it's too much for me to bear, for if my heart is created such as His, then how much more does His heart resonante and feel and break for us! It is all these questions that keeps me coming back to the fact that the Lord must always be and remain the keeper of my heart.