Hungry

I'm not doing too well lately and it's hard to put my finger on it. Last week was a difficult one and it got better over the weekend; God was so faithful. Yet I find myself retreating back into that in a sense, but in a different way. Last week I was so discouraged and now I feel so hungry. I barely ate at all today because I didn't have time to and finally at 11 P.M., I had my first meal of the day. And through this time of very little food, it just reminded me what I feel and desire of God right now. My stomach didn't just growl, it clawed at me because it needed so much to make it content for the time being. Yet though I knew I could eat to temporarily satisfy what I needed, it still wouldn't be enough, for a time would come shortly thereafter where I would be hungry again. It's like when I was an athlete and could eat anything in sight; my metabolism would burn it up so much that in spite of how much I ate I would still lose weight. I feel like that now spiritually; in spite of what I am filled with my body just needs so much more and wants so much more. I can eat all the time and never feel full.

I find myself praising God ever so much more but as that happens I find myself less and less satisfied. He is working in every single second, I can't really put it into words, there are some things I must be silent about for now. But yet it's still not enough. I don't just want more, I NEED more. I don't quite know what it is, but I pray He will “search me, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23-24). And I know that “the lamp of the Lord searches the spirit of a man, it searches out his inmost being” (proverbs 20). As God strips me of so many different things I find He is building me up in His image, which is such an answer to prayer. Still, it brings such a paradox. because I have come so far yet have so infinitely far to go. In the midst of all of this He is revealing and giving me spiritual gifts that I don't quite understand yet, but am seeing the fruit of. It's hard for me to understand why He has put me in the position He has but I know I can't handle it by my own strength; I must handle it by His. And I know the deeper He draws me the more difficult and the more rewarding it will be.

I need God in the midst of this madness. Though I feel His breath upon my face I need Him so much more. I need Him in such a significant way that I can't even describe. I need to know and experience the things that I can't fathom at this time, but will later...