Forgiveness

I need to forgive myself. I think by not forgiving myself I am letting this cycle of bringing myself to the foot of His throne to surrender and then retreating at once because I'm unable to fully surrender continue. What’s my own heart condition? And how much have I held back from my Lord! How do I forgive myself? I need His grace in that desperately. I hold myself back from experiencing the freedom He fully has to give because I won’t forgive myself for things. I hold myself back from experiencing the gifts He has to give because I won’t forgive myself. I pretend these things aren't issues and try to push them aside, but sweeping it under the rug won’t do anything. How much is the hypocrisy I have shown in talking about freedom and still not experiencing it fully for myself? I think when I am able to forgive myself I will then be able to fully surrender to Him. I can't live any longer by my standards or the world’s, for those only pull me down more. And still I wonder why I’m not experiencing everything He has to give. I’m putting myself in the way. When I forgive myself I will be releasing myself from the control I have on myself, on my plans, and on my life. I will then have no choice but to walk fully in freedom, for I believe that is the only thing holding me back. I need to face up to my sins and instead of being so ashamed of them that I don't come to His throne in them, I need to realize those are already forgiven by His blood. I need to learn how to fully embrace who I am, who God has created me to be, and instead of letting it cause a downfall, be able to use it fully for His glory. I can't wallow in the fact that I don't deserve His mercy, the fact is, I don't, but humility is accepting that which we cannot earn. I struggle with this.

All of my life I have done amazing things and had many significant accomplishments, and until I came to know Christ, I didn't see that it really is Christ working through us, and He deserves all the glory. And in the last year, with a lot of significant accolades bestowed upon me, I found myself tiring of the fact that I was being glorified rather than Christ. Yet, the fact hasn't changed that I am a doer, that is how I am a leader in a lot of respects, but that is also how I get in the way of what He wishes to do. I find it incredibly ironic tonight that by being a "doer," it is an attempt on my part to make myself less vulnerable, when in actuality, it makes me the most vulnerable. I place myself and my heart in precarious positions, when it is not meant to be there. And by being a doer, I attempt to cover this up.

I also realize tonight that I struggle with fully accepting His grace, for I think myself unworthy. I can never earn His grace, it is a gift. I see how Satan has been lying to me in trying to get me to not let God's grace be sufficient for everything, not just what I wish to expose. Satan doesn't want me to fully accept His grace because when I do, when I fully forgive myself, then Christ has won the battle, for his purpose that "I have come so they may have life and have it to the full" (John 10:10) will be realized.

Somehow, the root of all my struggles seems to come back to forgiveness. I need to forgive myself...