A Failing Attempt

The beginning of this week brought a lot of time to be still. God used the circumstances of me having a sinus infection that wiped me out to put me in such a place where I would seek Him. It was three days of prayer in a way I don’t think I’ve ever experienced before. The urgency was written upon my heart to do accordingly. What I found in that time has been a greater and deeper understanding of God that I have never had before. The statement I just wrote frustrates me to no end because it sounds so cliché. It is a statement largely based off of common sense of any believer. But what I cannot convey in words is the infinite level of depth found in our Lord that we have the opportunity to venture into. It never ends. And so what comes with this venture of seeking Him out not on our own terms but on His is really beyond description. It amazes me how seldom I truly sit at His feet and listen, but what amazes me more is what happens as a result of actually performing that action. I have found God to be taking off the things that have blinded and hindered me for so long, and I am now seeing and walking in a completely different light. When I truly start getting out of the way, God is able to have His way in me.

I would say as a result of that I have felt over stimulated. There has been such new insight, truth, and love poured forth as I’ve been at His feet. There’s an onslaught that I’ve never experienced before. And over this week, I have felt God calling me largely to be quiet. Not in every circumstance, but in most. I understand that a bit better now…

I think as a writer my mind deals with the double-edged sword that these words often bring. My heart desires so much to convey what God is doing through words, and so I strive towards that end. Yet at the same time, I know my words are continually a failing attempt to do such a thing. And as I wrote in a different place last night, I found yet another aspect of control that was surrendered.

I will no longer keep these written words for the goal of being able to capture what God is doing and the movement outward and within. Instead, this will be a striving towards a failing attempt. These written accounts will not cease, but the striving towards this aspect of “perfection” in being able to tell of all and everything God is doing will cease.
God is so infinitely beyond my words.

And I wonder what my praise offering to Him is to look like. I’ve been finding such a peace in old hymns and the words written there. There’s such a beauty in knowing that those aren’t my words. I find myself singing these words throughout the day and feeling a renewal in ways I cannot describe. Oh, how I love to sing! Oh how I can pour forth emotion and not let this love I have for my Savor be contained!

What I keep coming back to is this: even in the midst of gaining insight and wisdom from the Holy Spirit, the love of God draws me deeper within. The truth of His ways and thoughts being higher than mine rings very true right now. But in that, the greater discovery is that we may know His heart. It is beyond description and cannot be conveyed. The love that breathes death into life, despair into hope, ashes into beauty, is so much more than a beautiful, poetic love. It is beyond all thought, all description, all devices which humans attempt to use to convey it. It is more real than anything we will ever find, because it is not confined to human limitations and measures. How can I convey what the love of God is doing within? I cannot.

I cannot.

The love of God is greater far
Than tongue or pen can ever tell;
It goes beyond the highest star,
And reaches to the lowest hell;
The guilty pair, bowed down with care,
God gave His Son to win;
His erring child He reconciled,
And pardoned from his sin.

Refrain

O love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure
The saints’ and angels’ song.

When years of time shall pass away,
And earthly thrones and kingdoms fall,
When men, who here refuse to pray,
On rocks and hills and mountains call,
God’s love so sure, shall still endure,
All measureless and strong;
Redeeming grace to Adam’s race—
The saints’ and angels’ song.

Refrain

Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above,
Would drain the ocean dry.
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.

Refrain
Frederick Lehman