But First...

I'm taking in the immensity of the moment

“But first…”
These are two words I will probably remember forever. They are associated with two pretty special things that happened last Tuesday. John and I celebrated our three-year anniversary and at the end of that day, he decided to propose to me. “But first” came right after the ring box came out, and before I opened it, John said it because he gave me my (and our) first kiss. He had promised long ago that he would kiss me before we were engaged, and he made good on that promise. The whole day and especially that evening was glorious, and I will remember it forever. However, I write now because I am coming to see just how significant the statement “but first” is and has been in our relationship and lives.

I wrote about two months ago about the season of “but not yet” which came at the end of waiting. I find it interesting this season begins with the statement of “but first,” symbolizing the end of waiting in so many ways. And as the end of waiting has come, I’ve seen God reveal so many beautiful things that only the waiting season could’ve brought…

I wrote a year ago this time:
Hebrews 6 talks about the progress of moving from an elementary to mature faith. We are to remember the doctrine we have been taught, and the goodness of God which we have tasted thus far, and yet still press on. It refers to promises such as those that God promised to Abraham, and what it means to inherit those. We are to be sure of better things (vs 9) and be earnest in holding fast and fully to the hope we have until the end (vs 11), because then we are imitators of those who have come before and inherited the promises God has spoken. We are to be like Abraham and patiently wait for said promises. We are to have faith, not in something as finite as ourselves and the works of our feeble hands, but in Someone infinite. Someone greater than ourselves (vs 16). We so often want confirmation for what we hope for. Often times we wait and hope without seeing tangible fruit of said thing, but in His own promises, God gives us an oath sworn by his unchangeable self, that we may hold fast to the hope we have before us (vs 17-18). The oath that God has sworn by Himself is the surest and most steadfast anchor, as Jesus is the One binding the Covenant between ourselves and God. He is the forerunner on our behalf, our priest in the inner courts (vs 19-20), and through salvation in Him, we are able to receive all the Father has promised.

Two days before we were engaged, I was reflecting on this verse in Ecclesiastes. It is amazing in how appropriate it was, though at the time it frustrated me a bit. God is so thorough in all his reminders:
“Whoever obeys his command will come to no harm, and the wise heart will know the proper time and procedure. For there is a proper time and procedure for every matter, though a man’s misery weighs heavily upon him. Since no man knows the future, who can tell him what is to come? No man has power over the wind to contain it; so no one has power over the day of his death. As no one is discharged in time of war, so wickedness will not release those who practice it” (Ecc 8:5-8).

Two days before we were engaged, in trying to remain content in the waiting especially with having John back, God brought me to this prayer:
Lord, the peace that was so abounding in the time John and I were apart…I ask that I find it even more abounding now. I need that incredibly so. That I may rest in You until our time comes, finding joy and peace in the meantime, and rejoicing when the waiting does come to an end. You will sustain, my Lord. You have and continue to, and will continue to carry me through now.

It has been a long time of resting in the Lord and His timing, learning to grow content in waiting. In that time, God has taught me and I have slowly learned what it is to find joy and peace in the meantime. And as a result, now I rejoice and am humbly thankful that waiting, at least in one degree, has come to an end.

God has revealed beautiful things and truth. He has shown Himself incredibly faithful and good in the waiting…a waiting that seems to have the theme of “but first.”

“But first…” learn patience. John and I started dating three years ago, and have known each other very well for four. We knew from the beginning that we had to wait until we graduated to get married due to our parent’s wishes. At the beginning, four years of waiting appeared very daunting. In the process, it has seemed incredibly long at times. Due to the necessity of pacing things, things have moved very slowly in many ways. It has been a process I have wrestled with tremendously at times because I tend to be a person concerned with forward-moving progress in life. It hasn’t been just in my relationship with John but also in other areas where the necessity of learning patience has been key. I needed to embrace the heart of Abraham, patiently waiting for said promises, and have the faith that God would fulfill in His own timing. Yet, “better is the end of a thing than its beginning, and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit” (Ecc. 7:8). Better is the waiting for it develops character in which fruit of the spirit is displayed; one of which being patience.

“But first…” choose holiness. “ For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor... For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness” (1 Thess 4:3-4, 7). God has put it on our hearts since the beginning of dating the priority of holiness. It has been a difficult path to constantly choose God’s ways and not the world’s example in our relationship, seeking out first Him and the priority of holiness in all that we did and do. In the areas where we have failed in that, God has carried and sustained. I know for me personally, there were so many times where I wanted more from our relationship than what was being manifested at the time, whether that be in the time we spent together, the type of time, physical touch, promises for the future, etc. There were a lot of choices made and lots of circumstances dictated by God to prevent that. In many ways over the last four years, we led very individual lives, each doing our own thing in school, ministry, friends, etc. It was hard to “date” and not do it by the world’s standards, which typically involves exclusivity in many different ways. Yet, the time was used by God to refine us individually for Him and for one another, that we may bear more fruit together than apart. There were different things God had in our lives for each of us to do and especially to learn, and God cares far more about our holiness and relationship with Him above all else. By the blessing of God, John and I dated over these last three years to constantly spur and push one another on towards Christ, while growing in our understanding and love for one another. John, by the grace and power of God, has been an incredibly faithful leader in seeking out the priority of holiness, and I am so thankful for it. It has been an incredible blessing now to see the foundation that the priority of holiness has laid for the beginning of the rest of our lives together: God has done things in this pursuit that we never could’ve done ourselves. It is a blessing to now run forward together, with no baggage of the past as redeemed by the Lord, and trusting in His promise for the present and future.

“But first…” walk blindly by faith. Over the course of our relationship, there have been many times of fog on both of our parts. This fog changed our perception of the way things truly were/are, causing disorientation and making it difficult to press onward. There have been times when each of us has been stripped of joy, battling to gain hope while the other was left somewhat in the “wake” of it, the only thing he/she could do was to pray. There have been times where our communication broke down and we were missing each other’s meanings and hearts left and right, whether it be by difficulty of listening or by speaking. There was a time where we were brought to the breaking point of our relationship. There have been times over and over again where we didn’t have the answers that we hoped we could have. In all of these times, God had us to walk blindly by faith. John and I had to hold fast to the fact that He had given us the blessing of the relationship and desired it in both of our lives, even when it was incredibly difficult. In these times, we had to press onward in the fog that disoriented our perception and trust that it would one day lift. Now, the fog that has existed in the past has cleared fully, and it is breathtakingly beautiful…it is incredibly humbling to see what has always been growing and developing behind the veil of the past. It is incredibly humbling to see God to be who He says He is: the same in the past (yesterday), present (today), and future (Hebrews 13:8).

“But first…” Steadfastly trust. In any aspect of life, there is a necessity to steadfastly trust the Lord’s will, character, and dealings in all things. A relationship involving two people magnifies this fact. There is the aspect of trusting that being patient is worth it, choosing holiness is of utmost importance, and that walking blindly by faith will carry one through. Yet, there is another aspect altogether of what it is to steadfastly trust the Lord with one’s own heart…so often we as human beings give our hearts prematurely to someone or something that is unable to carry it, when in that time it needs to reside fully in the Lord. I am guilty of this. When I first started dating John, I really gave him my whole heart and emotional self in many ways, and it led to difficulty down the road. Emotion, pain, and difficulty was attributed to him or to our relationship rather than to the fact my heart was not where it should’ve been residing. I did not “guard my heart above all else” and “treat it as the wellspring of life.” I gave my heart fully and fast. I expected things of John long before they ever had the potential of coming to be, and my heart suffered as a result. There has been a healing process on my part in the last year of our relationship to learn to put my heart in the Lord first and foremost. This allows John to pursue it, the Lord to care for and nurture it. Part of the healing process has been learning to one, steadfastly trust the Lord in that He knows what is best for my heart, and two, trusting John as he pursues my heart, understanding that the Lord is equipping him to do so. I have taken an attitude of skepticism in the past with John in an effort to guard my heart. That is something that is just very recently beginning to be remedied. In all of the questions I have asked of John and of God in the course of our relationship, it has come back to a lack of trusting so many times. Two nights before John and I got engaged, I finally did not ask the same questions for the first time. Our engagement has brought much light on these questions, and I have been incredibly humbled to see the Lord’s hand in each and every one of those. There was no need for me to fear or worry; just a need for me to steadfastly trust.

“But first…” Contentedly wait. This in many ways is a combination of all of the things described above. The verse of Habakkuk 2:3 describes it well: “For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.” In retrospect after three years of dating waiting on engagement, the times that seemed so long then do not now. It has had its appointed time. Just having 9 months until we get married seems pretty fast compared to the rest of it. God has brought it about faithfully. In all things difficult to wait on, when we are stuck in the meantime, it is good for the flesh to surrender to the Spirit and learn how to contentedly wait.

“But now…” Delightfully rejoice. What I rejoice in the most right now, at this time of engagement and looking back at our relationship, is that God has revealed Himself in such great and amazing ways. I delightfully rejoice that the Lord of my heart, found it good to give it to another in John. I delightfully rejoice that we may be one under His covenant of marriage. I delightfully rejoice in what this beginning will bring in teaching us of the beautiful picture of Christ and His bride. I delightfully rejoice in knowing that as we have seen God’s faithfulness, provision, and hand in the past, so we will in the present and future.

With the ring I have received from John as a symbol and God’s giving of me to a man surrendered to and following after Him, I pray that may it remain His alone to use, have, and hold. And with this, I desire to offer the blessing I have received back to the Giver of it. I am greatly humbled.

Patient in Spirit

“Better is the end of a thing than its beginning, and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit” (Ecclesiastes 7:8)

It is amazing how “difficult” seeing the simple things can be.

It requires effort on our part to get to a place where we can see things in their true light. Yet, it also requires us being still in order that we may see things as they are.

Elise T. and I had a roommate date day today. I have a bucket list that I made in the spring of things I want to do before I graduate and leave SLO. One of those was kayaking. I had thought about ocean kayaking, but we decided to rent our equipment from the shop on campus and go to a lake instead. So, we shelled out a whopping $15 to rent a double kayak, life vests, and paddles, and proceeded to carry our equipment and massive kayak to my car in the parking lot a few hundred yards away.

We got it to my car and then had to proceed to figure out how we were going to attach it. I brought along my car top bag that has a foam side to it to protect the surface of my roof. Then, my antenna was sticking up the back. We flipped over the kayak over the antenna. I bought ratchet tie-downs at Home Depot before we left. Slowly but surely, we figured out how to work them and then fastened three of them, one on the back, and two across the middle diagonally. After stopping by John’s briefly, we set off to drive up the grade (a 1,000+ feet hill between SLO and Atascadero). In the first couple of minutes of driving around 60 mph, Elise and I had doubts about how well the kayak would hold, as the wind was lifting it up pretty well in the front and it was making its way backwards on my car. We made the good judgment to pull off on a side road to assess the situation. We ended up adding a last ratchet tie down on the front of my car with the front of the kayak and the tow hook under the bumper. Turns out, that part is kind of key to keeping a kayak on a car, who would’ve thought? We then proceeded up the grade much more successfully than we would’ve a couple minutes prior. I had visions of texts in my head stating, “John, can you help us? Our kayak flew off on the 101 and it kinda caused an accident…and now we can’t find it…” Thankfully, there were no texts needed of that nature!

We arrived at Santa Margarita Lake after a short but beautiful drive through the countryside with its golden blades of grass. We stopped to pay our park fee, talking to the ranger about kayaking as well. We acted like we knew what we were doing though we didn’t really. He extended us grace and gave us directions to the launching dock. We got there and unloaded the kayak, all of the equipment, and our packed lunch for the afternoon. Hardly anyone was in sight on the lake. After tying down our equipment, we started off in paddling to the cove on the far west side, stroking in-line with each other and making our way quickly. The water was perfect, the clouds were puffy and happy, and egrets abounded in number, stroking gracefully across the water and soaring through the air. Elise and I decided quickly that this was bliss.

After about 30 minutes of paddling, we arrived on the far shore, breaking up a duck party, and pulled our kayak on shore. We laid a towel down and proceeded to eat lunch and talking in the meantime. There is such a joy found in conversation that is free, unhindered, and edifying. We sat on the shore for over an hour talking and enjoying the absolutely perfect ~80 degree sunny day. The self-timer needed to make its appearance, so it did before we made our way back.

On our way to lunch we paddled against the current so we were with the current on the way back. As being on the water is blissful, Elise and I decided to alternate floating and paddling. Here and there, we directed ourselves towards our destination, avoiding the sweeping currents where we did not want to go. After a while we finally reached a point in the water where we could allow the current to float us back to the dock. It was still quite a ways away, however.

There were times in that floating where it was tempting to pick up the paddles again and paddle a little bit more, rather than being still and trusting the current to carry us. Yet, we refrained, and we found in time, we were being carried further than we imagined. I noticed that our observation of our moving depends on our reference point. If we looked at something further away from us, it didn’t seem like we were moving at all. However, if we looked at what was right in front of us, we then could see movement, slowly but surely, as our reference point would continue to shift. We watched the birds soar, others swim along the surface and plummet underneath in a search for fish; we saw a group of deer on a meadow bank enjoying the pickings of grass they were finding, oblivious to us existing. It was a calm seldom reached. It was a place in which we were fully still and the world thrived around us; it did not deter due to our actions and interrupting of its environment. It was breathtakingly beautiful.

I do not know how long we floated, but the current was faithful to carry us back to the dock rather quickly. We dismounted, dried off for a bit, then reloaded the equipment once again. The tying down of the kayak this time around went without a hitch from our trial and error the first time. The drive down was beautiful, and we proceeded to enjoy a great evening together.

It’s times like today where I hear and see clearly God speaking to my heart and soul. It was such a beautiful reminder of how my perception of time is flawed. God’s been teaching me a lot about seeing what is in front of me and enjoying the blessing of the moment. Today was a reminder of how when I look to what is far out, I may get an idea of the destination, but I lose conception of the progress in the current; I must look to what is in front of me to understand that. It was a reminder of how when I am still, God is faithful to carry and lead me, and it is much more fruitful than when I do the paddling. When I am still, I see things in the right light; I see things for how they are, and I am then struck by their true condition. Today was beautiful.

Today was a lesson in co-laboring. Elise and I went much further together than we would’ve separately, and we were able to pick up the slack for each other as needed. Even more so, it was a lesson in co-laboring with God. He puts things in our path for us to do and experience in order that we may come to know Him more. Elise and I had to paddle to the far shore, against the current, in order to have the blessing of floating with it in stillness on the way back, drinking in the revelation that existed around us if we were still enough to see it. There is such a joy in co-laboring.

I write this tonight with tired eyes, very sore arms, but a revived and renewed spirit. The practicalities of today required a lot of “difficult” things, a lot of doing and learning things ourselves by the grace of God. We could’ve gone to Morro Bay or Avila and had a kayak company put us in the water for an hour. Yet, there, we would’ve missed out on the full experience. There is sacrifice required on our parts to experience the fullness of God. It is not always easy, often not easy, but it is duly rewarded. Often times what we are looking for is already there…God just ordains our circumstances to help us to see it. We look so long and hard and far for His presence when we forget the fact that He is forever omnipresent. We blind ourselves by how we choose to see and deal with our own circumstances. We don’t want to fight against the current for a later reward; and we also think we should paddle when we probably should float and be still. We slough off the key characteristics of a Spirit-filled life and wonder why still we don’t receive. We ask the same kind of questions, subconsciously making God our master, rather than being of a humble heart submissively ready to receive whatever He may bestow. We forget the beauty of our Sovereign God…immutable in every way, even in what we perceive to be constantly changing circumstances. He is our provider of peace.

Seeing the simple things can be “difficult” because we are not doing our part to get to a place where we can see things in their true light. We may not also not be still in the way that we may see things as they are…

“With patient mind thy course of duty run; God nothing does, nor suffers to be done,But thou wouldst do thyself, couldst thou but see The end of all events, as well as He.” –Dr. Byron, commentary on Ecclesiastes 7:8

Turn

The corners of my lips turn
a blessedly contentment occurs
I look to the sun and find
a path that intertwines
with what has been
and what is now
a stillness of the soul
only waves can bring about
I close my eyes and
happily sigh

The corners of my heart turn
a desire to praise occurs
I look to the Son and find
a path that intertwines
with who He’s been
and who He remains now
A bedrock anchor
waves can’t turn about
I lift my hands and
raise to stand

The corners of my life turn
A walking onward occurs
I look to the Father and find
a path that intertwines
with His mercy then
and His love now
A pursuit of my heart
waves could dance around
I pick up my feet and
walk to meet

Always
onward
to the One who loves me

Flies of the Mind

“Strange place, this soul of mine…and I think, it is more place than person. It rings with whatever enters, be it high thoughts of the seated Christ or idle rhymes from any poet. The soul does not seem to mind what it is occupied with, but only cares that it be kept occupied. It is passive as to choice. I choose, my soul responds, with ringing laughter, emotional incitement, or pure worship. It is a tool, not a craftsman, and must be controlled. It is as amoral as a bed, yet beds can become instruments of illegitimate activity. Son of God, purger of the inner parts, discerner of my sittings down, my risings, wilt Though Hallow this soul of mine? The choice is mine, You say? Ah, yes, the choice is mine.” -Jim Elliot, April 14, 1948

This was the last passage I read before going to sleep last night, and it resounded deeply within me. In a week of moving into a new apartment, there have been all kinds of things peppering about my head and therefore my heart too; many of them practical but worldly things. I have noticed my mind swirling with these thoughts and have been fighting rather unsuccessfully to get them back to an eternal perspective.

This week exemplifies a key character trait I have, and that is that I can be very task oriented and efficient. I am of the mind that I like to have things completed so I can be done move onto something else. However, that is growing more and more impractical the older I get. Once something gets done, it’s as if three more things take its place. There will always be things to do and things to think about. The real discipline lies in being able to train the mind to be efficient and to think in an eternal perspective constantly. There are certain “obligations” and “responsibilities” of this world, but I need not be governed by them-only by Christ alone. As He is my source, He will give me the means to complete what lies before me, but only by His means and His time. I need look to Him.

As we are having the annual beginning of September heat wave this week, I decided to go to the beach this morning to get away from “responsibilities” and focus before the Lord. It was a beautiful day at the beach-perfect tanning weather while reading. However, after about 5 minutes of being there, I forgot what I always seem to forget: when the beach is hot, the flies are out in massive numbers, and they just love to land on people, at least me apparently. As I was trying to relax and focus, I was immensely distracted by every tactile sensation by every fly landing and going in various places all over my body. It started really frustrating me. But then, I decided to pray and see what the Lord might have to teach me in it.

It seems my thoughts have resembled these flies lately: abounding in number, little in substance, and uncommitted ponderings. This is what I have subjected myself to lately. I’ve gone away with the flies in my thinking. What I needed to learn to do today was to be so focused in just one thing-reading and journaling, that the flies wouldn’t even phase me.

As I was journaling some of these thoughts, a man and woman walked by and the woman picked up something by my chair and gave it to me. It was a whole sand dollar. I was struck by it because I have never found a whole sand dollar on the SLO coast before. It seems they always break. As the picture above shows, this sand dollar is beautiful; whole and durable. It is unlike any other fragments I’ve ever found, but in reality, the fragments cannot be compared to a whole. This sand dollar made such an impression upon me because of its wholeness and its purity. It hadn’t been broken down and scattered about. It provided a beautiful picture to me as to what my mind should look like. My mind needs to be whole and not fragmented. It needs to be rare, a treasure that is ruled and governed by the Lord so that people who come into contact with it see the Lord fully in it. It needs to be the Lord’s tool, not my own.

My mind has such potential to be used for great things-but there is a discipline on my part to allow it to be so. I need not fill it up with things that hardly matter, and I need to be discerning in what I allow to reside within. As Jim Elliot says, “the choice is mine.”

There is such a necessity to learn this here and now as I grow up more. Life will continue to be and get busier with more and more possible thoughts and obligations. It is now that it must be refined to a tool that can serve a good purpose. My first practical step was buying a little moleskin like notebook today. My hope is that when I do have thoughts, particularly of things to remember, I will have the notebook with me and write them down as soon as I can. Then, once they are on paper, I can purge them from my thoughts until I need it again. I try to remember too much in my head. I want to think about other things. I’m weary of thinking about things that will eventually fade, and fade sooner rather than later. I want to spend my days thinking and concerning myself chiefly with my sole delight, my Dear Lord, from which all good things flow. What I fill myself up with will overflow, and it is my desire that I not be known by my tasks or what I do, but by a life surrendered and governed by the Lord Himself.

Your Love is More than Enough

Nothing can be something
and something everything with You
for You take this heart of mine
and possessions so few
Multiply it with Your love
and cleanse it all the way through
Would You take these hands of mine
and glorify You fully true

Your love is a song where I want to sing along
dance to the beat and move my feet to Your melody
Your love causes me to sit in peace at Your speech
awed to be still and desire the will of my King
Your love cannot stay in only one way
everywhere I bound it heavenly surrounds and fills me

Lord, Your love is better than life
this I know, yes I do
Honey on my tongue
sweetness to speak back to You
Where my heart once ran dry
Living waters have come through
I awake in the morning
to be refreshed by Your morning dew

Your love is a song where I want to sing along
dance to the beat and move my feet to Your melody
Your love causes me to sit in peace at Your speech
awed to be still and desire the will of my King
Your love cannot stay in only one way
everywhere I bound it heavenly surrounds and fills me

Your love...
Your love...
my dear Jesus.
You are more than enough.

Releasing Grasp

“Father, let me be weak that I might lose my clutch on everything temporal. My life, my reputation, my possessions. Lord, let me loose the tension of a grasping hand. Even, Father, would I lose the love of fondling—how oft I have released grasp only to retain what I prized by ‘harmless longing,’ the fondling touch. Rather, open my hand to receive the nail of Calvary—as Christ’s was opened—that I, releasing all, might be released, unleashed from all that binds me here. He thought heaven—yea, equality with God—not a thing to be clutched at…so let me release my grasp.” –Jim Elliot, July 11, 1948.

In the late night of my last day in Colorado Springs before heading back to SLO, I find myself caught up in the midst of change…yet again. In looking over recent times, it is interesting to note how there has always been change in some way or measure. It may not have been in every area of my life (most often not), but it is there in some way or another. One example of this would be that I have moved so ridiculously much in the last four years:

September 2005: Colorado Springs to SLO-Sequoia Dorms.
June 2006: SLO to Santa Monica, CA
September 2006: Basically Santa Monica to SLO-Cerro Vista, with a 2 week hiatus in Hollywood and a 3 week hiatus in Colorado Springs
June 2007: SLO-Cerro Vista to 1st house
June 2008: 1st house to Colorado Springs
September 2008: Colorado Springs to SLO-2nd house
June 2009: 2nd house to Colorado Springs
August 2009: Colorado Springs to 2nd house temporarily before 1st apartment

I give this example because it’s the most concrete out of all of the other changes. This comes from a girl who lived in the same five-mile radius in Colorado Springs her entire life, in 2 houses she remembers. And now…it’s a whole new story.

I didn’t use to like change very much. That is because it shatters any possession or perception of control. Yet, my college years have been full of change, and a LOT of it. Little by little, situation by situation, trait by trait, God’s been teaching me over the years to relinquish my control, and where I would put my trust in myself, to place it in Him instead.

It is funny to me now how easily people can fight for control in areas where they really have none. I can see this of myself too. There have been times this summer where I try to take control in areas where I shouldn’t, but I have been thankful to see progress on the long road of sanctification in this. God has been thorough in it, that’s for sure.

So, what are my thoughts as I head back to SLO once again, and to move yet again? They echo what Jim states in the passage above. It is so easy to cling to what is temporal, but in this change I need something, Someone more than that. Someone who is the same yesterday, today, and forever in the midst of a constantly changing reality. My life is temporal. Oh Lord, that I might cling to Thee and thee alone. And in this change, let me grow in not fondling-in not still remaining connected to things through a touch. There is no good in indulgence when things must be abstained from completely. Lord, that my heart and focus may be on You and You alone, experiencing the blessing that only comes from relationship with You.

They say the heart is the wellspring of life, and from a spring waters overflow. I pray that I be filled with Thee in order that You and all that is good and worthy of praise be manifested through me. As Jim also says, “out of a heart that is full of either sweet water or bitter springs, the fountain at my tongue and who or what I really am is at my heart. Clear out the source and fill it with Thy love that my speech may be sound and uncondemned—today!” –February 21, 1948

My life is not my own, and I must lay no claim to it. All that is good within it must spring forth a response of praise on my part to the Giver of it all. And all that is hard or difficult must also spring forth a response of praise and a choice for joy because in it, I know that through it, I may become closer to Him. Through the pain and difficulty, I may understand what it means to count all as loss for the sake of knowing Him-even all ideal circumstances in this temporal life on earth. If I am called to eternity, then my life be best to start living through His eternal perspective today…in the midst of change yet again that releases my grasp.

Would You?

There seems to be the promise of it one day changing
And one day changing sometime soon
You see, it’s been a long road getting to here
holding onto hope that things will be fulfilled
Lord, You tell me to hold on, wait and believe
Disregard what everyone else seems to see

Do You really think I am that strong?
Do You really think I can last that long?
Is there really something beyond what I can see?
I’m walking blind, trying to trust Your sight
and not be alone with these tears tonight
Would You be merciful to me?

There seems to be a cry for freedom within me
and within me in great need
You see, it’s been a long road getting to here
waiting for the things I desire to receive
Lord, You tell me to hold on, wait and believe
Downplay what I want to go and seek

Why do You think I am that strong?
Why do you ask me to last so long?
Is there something vain in what I seek?
I’m walking alone, trying to let You be known
and not doubt Your grace that has been shown
Would You be tender to me?

There seems to be an impulse to shut down
Shut down what brings me here again
You see, it’s been a long road getting to here
being vulnerable and transparent under my skin
Lord, You tell me to hold on, wait and believe
Desire to see the better things

Would You not ask me to be so strong?
Would You not ask me to last so long?
Is that something You could grant to me?
I’m walking weary, needing You to be near
and release me from unending heartache I fear
Would You be gracious to me?

Nine

Today is my ninth birthday in the Lord. God was good to remind me of the day last night, as last year it passed me by rather quickly with me not remembering. I don’t have a lot of profound thoughts tonight, but I did want to write…

I spent the last two days with my mom up in the mountains. It was a mini-vacation for us. Over the last couple of weeks particularly, I’ve been thinking about the relationship I have with my parents and how ridiculously blessed I am by them. They may not understand who I am perfectly, but they understand me pretty darn well for parents. I’ve been thinking as to why that is. I think part of it is attributed to how intentional and well my family communicates. It’s part of the reason I talk and process a lot! But with that, they also listen incredibly well. Even if they do not understand, they make the effort to try to understand where I am coming from and why.

It is incredible the impact that our relationships with our parents have on us. I won’t go into all the different ways why here. On my end, though the Lord was so gracious to pursue me to bring me to be the first in my family that came to know Him, the Lord was also gracious in providing me with the parents He has. In part, I believe that my relationship with the Lord is what it is because of the parental influence I've had. Even in the midst of so many times of brokenness in our family, love, grace, and forgiveness have always prevailed. They modeled so many facets of my Heavenly Father and Savior without fully knowing Him--I still don’t understand it. God’s grace in them has been tremendous.

I realize I am in the minority. I don’t think there’s a lot of people out there that have what they would call great and fulfilling relationships with their parents. Yet, over the years, my parents have remained steadfast in so many of the things they did well in my childhood-supporting me, believing in me, caring for me, being a constant presence, etc. And more so, they’ve grown into some of my greatest friends. I am deeply humbled and thankful for them.

In my high school years particularly, I was incredibly blessed with a “second family,” Christine’s family. Her parents really became my spiritual parents in rearing me up in the Lord. I developed a very close relationship with her mom during that time because she is so full of God’s wisdom, grace, and humility. She was able to be there in a way my parents weren’t able to at the time. There was a lot going on with my brother that my parents were more occupied with. God provided for my greatest need at the time with her. I know that relationship with her was hard for my mom at times, because while she was thankful for that relationship, she wondered why I couldn’t have that same relationship with her.

Three years ago, my mom came to know the Lord. It was a huge answer to prayer and praise. Over that time, I’ve been cautious in how I pursue the spiritual relationship with her because I want her to be fully in love with Jesus first and foremost. I didn’t want her to seek a relationship with the Lord in an attempt to gain a closer relationship with me. I want her to be able to stand upon Him now and forever because I am not a constant. There has been a lot of prayer over the last three years. In ways where I’ve wanted to pursue, or thought I should pursue, God’s held me back. That was hard sometimes.

But over the past two days, I realize there is a shift that has happened…a beautiful, subtle, but profound one. I found my mom and I conversing so freely about so many things, and I saw and felt the connection and mutual understanding in her fellowship. The same spirit that has dwelled in me the last nine years dwells in her now too, and the Holy Spirit forms bonds that cannot be broken. What a blessing fellowship in the Lord is. What a blessing to have a dear God who pursues the hearts of men and changes them from the inside out. And what a blessing it is to receive this blessing as no result of myself. I am deeply humbled and grateful for His work and answered prayers in my mom and her life. What a gift on the day of the ninth year.

The Gray Scale

“Lord, thou hast said that the believer should enter a land where he would be as a fountain flowing, a land which is crossed on a narrow way. Lead me on in it I ask, for Jesus’ sake.” –Jim Elliot

I’ve been reading a lot of different things lately. I’ve been watching a lot of different things too. In the last couple days, I realized the need to step back to objectively assess what it is I am taking in, how it is influencing me, and why.

My parents were joking last night that my generation is going to develop some kind of thumb disorder due to the amount we use them-in texting, video games, computer, and more. It was a different angle of an observation made by the older generation upon my own—we are inundated with media and technology, and it raises the question of how beneficial or detrimental it all is. I understand my place well in this-I’m on my computer a heck of a lot, doing everything from working, communicating, life’s chores, and more. I would say about 3/4s of the day yesterday was devoted to my computer. Everything I had to do I had to do on that. And of course I’m in the texting generation—more out of need than want, I think. Being home in the summertime with the parents lends itself to more TV than desired…and makes me thankful I don’t have cable at school.

My mom had taped a Bachelorette “After the Final Rose” special. I’ve never really been much to watch that show, but I know how popular it is among non-believers and believers alike. As I watched it with my mom, I can’t tell you how many problems I saw with it. The girl was to pick the person she wanted to marry, and then once she did, then he would get down on one knee and propose. Wow. Talk about putting the man in a passive and submissive position. On either the Bachelor or Bachelorette, they go on all kinds of dates with all the potential suitors. The Bachelorette last night stated that because of these circumstances, she feels like she has already been through life with her now fiancé. Really? It’s a “reality” TV show, and reality TV shows these days are pretty far from reality. Last major observation-there was a question from the audience asking the now engaged Bachelorette and her fiancé how things were going in the bedroom and if there were any complications. Um, strike three. A relationship based on that…?

Perhaps I sound cynical, but I would rather run that line than be one to blindly accept these views as okay. This is just one example of countless things surrounding us that we allow to influence us in a detrimental way. The more we expose ourselves to these things without a sound and objective mind, the more we begin to settle and lose sight of what is truly holy and pure.

To be perfectly honest, I think there has been some frustration in me this summer with the culture I live in, as I know and truly desire to be counter-cultural, but in being inundated in it have felt myself confused as to what is good and what is not. I’ve been confused with myself, my decisions, who I am, what I should be doing. It has led to a time of ridiculous indecisiveness. I realize that as I get older, the world seems a bit more gray. However, what is easy to forget is that gray (in its pure form) is the product of black and white mixed. And that means that those two extremes must exist for gray to be possible. I think the problem lies in that it is easier and more palatable to accept a world that is gray, because we too, can “mix” our own destiny, decide what shade of gray to be, and satisfy our desire to be at least a “little bit distinct” when in reality, we barely differ from the norm.

I can remember my color theory project in which we had to reproduce a gray scale. To get a very light gray, you had to use a TON of white and a teeny tiny bit of black. To get gradually grayer, continue increasing the black. In doing this, I can say from experience that black is a heck of a lot more potent than white. Continuing with the earlier analogy, as Christians we are called to be pure (white). But, it is easy to dabble in sin (black), whether that be in the mind, soul, body, or spirit. It makes the white gray. And once that gray starts, it’s easy to continue adding a teeny bit of black at a time, because it seems like it won’t make that big a difference. But after a while, you’re at the complete dark gray near black. The reality is that once that black gets in, you can never get it fully white again. The only way to do that is to scrap the paint and start over with a new batch of white. Thankfully, we have that promise of redemption through Christ in which He promises to make our sins as white as snow. Yet, we should never take grace as an excuse to keep on sinning.

But we do. And our culture deems it acceptable. We, as believers, have allowed ourselves to buy into the philosophy that we choose our own standards and way. We start to settle for the fact that being radical (white) is hard, and we don’t really have to shoot that high.

I’ve been wrestling with the gray for a while, in wondering how can the extreme of white and black be possible and visible in our culture. We do not want to call sin “sin,” and we set the bar lower for purity than what it actually calls for and requires. I’ve been wondering how in the world I am to be and model these extremes, and in a world of gray, I was honestly wondering if it is really possible…

Yet I’ve also been reading some books. One is The Journals of Jim Elliot, another is Finding God at Harvard, and I recently finished Crazy Love. Ecclesiastes has been a solid comfort to me. In reading things that nourish my spirit and soul, I am reminded again of one of the greatest challenges to me as a believer, and that is what it is to live a radical, counter-cultural life while still engaging the culture around me fully. To do that involves testing our minds and hearts of everything we allow to come in. In a media-inundated culture, it proves a challenge, but not an impossible one…and I think one of the important steps is testing what we see and read against what we know to be true, good, and holy.

I’ve also received letters and emails from friends by whom I am greatly encouraged. One, upon finishing a year of ministry abroad, stated that her hardest lesson this year was learning that God often cares more about our holiness than using our gifts. I cried upon reading that statement because it was nourishment to my thirsty spirit. There was so much truth in that statement and also, what I felt like for the first time in a while, a shared understanding and fellowship in striving after what the Lord asks and requires.

I still have so many thoughts to process through…but in the meantime, what I am coming to remember and understand are these things: our world and culture is so much further gone and in need of redemption than it could ever possibly realize on its own; there is a necessity to objectively test and observe what it is we read, see, and think about against what we know to be true, good and holy; that we are called to be white in a world of gray and we have no excuses not to be; and most of all…

I am not alone in this quest and thirst for God’s holiness not just in my life, but in this world. There are countless others who share the same passion, and thankfully, others who have gone before and led a life in such a way that God has used them tremendously. I am not alone or naïve in hoping for such things, because He who is holy is with me and desires it more than I do. And lastly, all my striving, questioning, seeking, and doing is nothing if not fully surrendered to Him and Him as the source and driver of it all. It is not up to me to do or to be; it is up to me to seek, and let all these things be added as well. He must become greater and I less.

When words fail, use pictures

Well... words fail me tonight to describe how I'm feeling. I'm wrestling with what is called and asked of us as believers-ultimately my heart's desire- and what that looks like in a broken world. So, I turn to a picture instead. I would say I feel a lot like that flower right now. And that's all I have to say tonight.

Searching for Nuggets of Wisdom

I wrote last about the period of time I am currently in: ‘But Not Yet.’ Around and since then, I have been desperately craving wisdom as to what to do, think, and feel. There are times I feel utterly lost in it, and all I can do is press on, trusting my Lord in the steps He has or doesn’t have me take yet.

My nature tends to be a very practical one. I am logical, like to solve problems, have a plan, think of all the alternatives, etc. That is what I tend to revert to in most situations, because logic, rather than emotion, has a better history of handling things. Yet, over the last couple of months, God’s been helping me learn what it means to ebb, meaning going along with the “waves of life,” as they can be up and down. It’s been an interesting process for me, as I’ve been learning that the ups and downs are normal, and that emotion outright is not necessarily a bad thing.

Because, as practical and logical as I am, there is a side of me coupled with intense passion and dreams. They are incredibly strong; yet because of the degree of them, I seldom know what to do with them. There’s currently a disconnect between the logic and passion, but as I’ve been praying, I hope the rift between the two is growing smaller.

You can imagine how I am in this season. I’m wanting to revert to my practical and logical nature. Out of that, I’ve been searching for nuggets of wisdom from people who have been through this same season of life I am currently in. I finally got the questions out to my parents last night. My parents, usually one with lots of advice, didn’t have much to say, other than that it is a strange transition time and I will get through it. That answer drew an internal “figures” response, because of course I’m still not getting an answer. I want to be wise and handle things the best I can…but sometimes logic fails.

Now, often times, emotion is overtaking me. I find myself welling up with tears at so many different things or thoughts, sometimes even crying before I sleep. Some of it is a sad crying, but a lot of it is just emotion. A lot of it is the response derived from me in that things are changing, and will continue to drastically. I wept severely the other night at the realization that my relationship with my parents will never be the same again. That will continue to grow and change, but the days of childhood are past, even in their eyes. Other times, I don’t even know so much of why I am crying. Yet, it seems to be part of this rite of passage I am going through this summer, and I am attempting to embrace it, especially because logic does not seem to be winning lately.

I read through Ecclesiastes, the book of the search of wisdom, last night after John and I talked about a passage from it the other night. I can’t tell you what a comfort I found in it. I found a kindred soul in Solomon, as he examined the world and how we fit within it through many different acts and searches of wisdom. He endeavored to find the meaning of life in so many different ways, but comes back to the fact that God is in the center, and when we look to Him, then and there we are satisfied and fulfilled, and there we find meaning. It doesn’t come from searching around us, as all of those end up being “meaningless!”

I read through Kate’s blogs today from my current season in her life, and there too, I was comforted. This season is one that just “is.” It is one that is filled with varying emotion and one we get through somehow…but I was greatly encouraged by the fact that in waiting, beautiful things do come. The waiting is fruitful if we allow it to be, and the waiting isn’t forever. We walk through this unfamiliar season in trusting and holding fast to the One who is familiar and constant. And, a fact I realized in reading her blogs that I need to become better with is that for the next several years, there’s going to be an infinite amount of change. That’s reality…and my logic will only be able to carry me so far in it. It’s going to be laced with a lot of emotion. Instead of striving to figure it out as much as I can and leaning on the Lord for the rest, I pray that I will develop the habit of leaning on Him wholly and ultimately.

This has long been a favorite verse of mine from Ecclesiastes, and I will state it again here: “I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him” (vs 3:14). It is always relevant to whatever season of life I am in, and always a comfort. In this season, it is a reminder that no matter where I am, how much I have figured out, or rather, how little I can, these things are not dependent upon me. What God chooses to do in this season and with me is up to Him. All that He does, is, and forever will be is so I can respond and worship Him. This season, the one that makes little sense to me, is purposeful, and may I continue to draw nearer to Him with a thankful and worshipful heart. I don’t need a specific reason or thing in my life to draw near to Him. The fact that He IS is more than enough. And there, I pray that emotion would overtake me as well…

"But Not Yet"

“But not yet.”

I’ve been pretty frustrated the past couple of days. It’s been more of an internal frustration coming from finally having the chance to be still, being somewhat frustrated with that itself, and fighting against what the stillness can bring. I’m again amazed at what stillness can reveal. There were/are some pretty pertinent things I need to work out with the Lord and lies I need to dispel. Yet, tonight, the Lord is good to reveal where my primary frustration lies.

“But not yet.”

To retrace my steps a bit, God’s had me in this season of waiting for a long time. It’s been probably over a year now. It’s been an incredibly valuable and fruitful time to teach me of what it means to be in the present moment and allow Him to move and work in it. That’s a really broad statement for all this has contained, but it’ll suffice for now.

And now, this season of waiting is changing and on the brink of ending. Some of these timetables I know; others I don’t. Elise has been gone for close to a year now. I’ll get to see her and live with her in about a month and a half. I’ve been largely content in where each one of us has been in this year, but now that the time is closer “but not yet” here, it brings about an impatience that wasn’t previously there. I’ve finished four years of college, and feel ready to move on, “but not yet.” I still have a year to finish. John and I are closer to the future and all it brings than we ever have been, “but not yet,” we are not yet there either. There’s a lot of things coming up in the near future to either start or complete; those too, “but not yet.”

I realize now that waiting is a pretty constant reality. John can testify to this. The “but not yet” is a changing reality. It implies that something is coming, but is not yet here. It’s being stuck in the middle of the transition. I find it interesting that this frustrates me more.

I’m remembering who I am at nature, specifically in my childhood. I can’t think of certain examples, but I remember being told “not yet” would just make me want to start or do it even more. “Not yet” is like a challenge to me, one of which my stubbornness wants to fight against. It’s like I take that “not yet” and try to turn it into “well why not now? Let me try.” I am a person that very rarely responds with passivity; I respond with passion instead, and whether that passion is constructive or not depends on the situation.

My flesh so desperately wants to do, wants the change to “just happen already,” but the Lord is reminding me, “but not yet.” In searching for that phrase within the bible, I see how there were so many times in Jesus’ ministry and life the times of “not yet” were still purposeful. It’s in the times of “not yet” that it’s really hard to see the purpose because it’s easy to gravitate towards what is to come or what is to happen, but in retrospect, the “not yet” times are necessary.

Tonight, as I feel so stuck in the transition, I need remember that the Lord will and is using this time of “but not yet.” I may not see it now because the sight of what is to come often overshadows it, but I can trust Him to be purposeful in it. And, I can pray that He soften my heart to learn to embrace these times of “but not yet,” just as He did so in my long season of waiting.

Friend Forever

In my first entry in a long while involving written thoughts and words not in a poem form, I realize why I have gravitated towards writing poems over the last couple of months. It is largely because there is such an infinite amount to write about, it seems. A poem, with carefully selected words and structure, can convey so many different things all in one. Writing like this, however, requires more clarity of thought and communication for me to effectively communicate to the reader.

When you’ve been in a time where the words, thoughts, lessons, tasks, and emotions just come and ebb at a frenzied pace, it is difficult to sort through what to focus on for the present, let alone write about it so that others may understand as well. I can’t even begin to state how many things have crossed my mind and heart over the past couple of months that I wanted to write more on, but the time was not given. I pray that time is returning a bit now with summer being here, God willing.

This last week condensed so many experiences, lessons, thoughts, emotions, and tasks all into such a short time. Looking back on the week, I find myself amazed at how one week seemed to perfectly show so much of what my life consists of lately. I’m still in the middle of processing and praying through that, and hope to blog on it soon.

In the meantime though, I wanted to share something on my heart.

Tonight I was driving home with my mom from a wedding in Estes Park. It was the sixth consecutive day of driving over 3 hours. I left that wedding tonight completely over simulated and overwhelmed due to the amount of things that has happened over this week, and the things that remain to do and be seen. I was overwhelmed, yet again, with the need and desire for Jesus. I looked forward to finally getting home again so I could have some down time. Yet, on that drive, I remembered I have the blessing of Him in the present, and I needed not wait…

Once again, His arms were open wide awaiting me to come and rest. It needed not matter the situation or where I was; driving home on I-25 was as good a place as any. There, He calmed me, quieted me, restored my soul…and I found this song running through my heart.

“What a friend I've found…Closer than a brother…I have felt your touch…More intimate than lovers…”

In the time of quiet I remembered the blessing of His presence that never escapes me, never leaves me, is always faithful. I remembered this last week and how, in every circumstance He was there, teaching me, refining me, loving me, carrying me. He was by my side as I slept alone in a casino in Nevada for the night. He was giving me strength to enjoy the creation of His hand in Utah during the midst of stomach trouble. He guarded my heart while allowing it to grow in love and submission for and to John. He was walking alongside me as I walked down a freeway ramp to go to the bathroom, and moreso, calm down and gain perspective while awaiting AAA to come tow my car that broke down on the highway and finally died. He gave me patience in spending time with a family member that is not always easy to spend time with. He loosened my hands to help me to surrender to not being in control, but simply go with the flow and let Him provide. And oh, His provisions…I can’t even list them as they are too numerous…I feel incredibly humbled by how He looks out for His children. He provided time for me to serve and bless a few. He was opening my heart to be vulnerable to hear His voice speaking, or to simply come and rest in His arms.

At the end of this week, I stand in recognition of the fact that God works with those who desire to be worked with. There are so many new things and situations in my life now that leave me overwhelmed, but deep down, I know without a doubt that God has placed me in these situations because He knows I can trust Him with it all, and He surely is enough for it.

And “what a friend I've found…Closer than a brother…I have felt your touch…More intimate than lovers…”

Jesus, Jesus

Jesus, friend forever.

Afflicted City

One of these days I'll write something that is not a song or poem, but for now, that's what God's granting to me. He comforted me greatly tonight with Isaiah 54, showing me his love for Jerusalem and how He desired to restore and comfort and bring beauty. In my own "affliction" and difficulty, it is a great comfort to be reminded of his purpose and his unfailing love and covenant of peace. It will never be removed.



Oh afflicted city, once again I find you wandering
far from the love you once knew
if you were to stop and look inside
You would find you know you still do
Love me more than yourself and your drowning pride
as you fall to your master and know the sin must die
Yet in your wandering, to my own heart I must be true

I will build you with stones of turquoise
that will match the glimmer I’ve created in your eyes
I will make your foundations of sapphires
to match the range of passions I’ve given you inside
Your battlements will be made of rubies
to remember the blood I shed so you may not die
Your gates will be made of precious jewels
to venture into your worth it’s Me you’ll find
And all your walls made of precious stones
within you can run but from me never hide
You are my labor of my compassionate love
Remember it’s me that brings you light

Oh afflicted city, you’re lashed by storms once again
in the midst of torrential rain
that you pray will one day end
you will find my promise spoken for you
Love me more than yourself and your selfish fiend
as you fall to your master and let me be your friend
Yet in your storms, to my own heart I must be true

I will build you with stones of turquoise
that will match the glimmer I’ve created in your eyes
I will make your foundations of sapphires
to match the range of passions I’ve given you inside
Your battlements will be made of rubies
to remember the blood I shed so you may not die
Your gates will be made of precious jewels
to venture into your worth it’s Me you’ll find
And all your walls made of precious stones
within you can run but from me never hide
You are my labor of my compassionate love
Remember it’s me that brings you light

Oh afflicted city, comfort you do not easily find
far from the hope you know to be true
Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed
Love me more than yourself and your hopeless rest
as you fall to your master who surely knows best
It’s for your comfort, to my own heart I must be true

I will build you with stones of turquoise
that will match the glimmer I’ve created in your eyes
I will make your foundations of sapphires
to match the range of passions I’ve given you inside
Your battlements will be made of rubies
to remember the blood I shed so you may not die
Your gates will be made of precious jewels
to venture into your worth it’s Me you’ll find
And all your walls made of precious stones
within you can run but from me never hide
You are my labor of my compassionate love
Remember it’s me that brings you light

My love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed.
You must know that it’s for you
that to my own heart I must be true.

In the Night

Can’t you see the morning in the night
Stillfull, soulful silence in the lack of light
Where has the time gone
when we used to sleep and dream?
Childlike innocent bliss has escaped me
Yet I'm carried, cradled, held upright
The look of love is in Your eyes
And sometimes it’s easier to see in the night…

Won’t you walk the line and stand up tall
Without looking down and doubting it all
You don’t see it now
but you’re closer than you were
A mirror reflects the lessons you’ve learned
You're growing, going, lasting in the fight
The look of pride is in His eyes
And sometimes it’s easier to see in the night…

Will you count to three and open your eyes
Ready to see, believe and recognize
Who you are and once were
and one day will become
Fly and cry in the memories alight
The look of all you need is in His eyes
And sometimes it’s easier to see in the night…

Temporal Burdens

A reflection on a difficult week where I've been exhausted from the burdens of this world and desperately desiring refuge...

Evasive world this is
slithering and slipping out of my sight
yet it maintains its grasp
The whole world’s on my shoulders
and it’s tied upon my back
I can’t see it now
For all I can see is what I lack

Like a hole created
absence that makes the heart fonder
Emptiness that finds me, finds me now

Put two bricks in my pockets
add another on my head
sooner than later
My feet will be bound by chains
and I’ll try to walk away
I can’t see it now
For all I can see is where I lay

Like a jailbreak needed
Strength that releases these bounds
Freedom that finds me, finds me now

More power in my hands
Satan busy trying to make me lose my way
make me look inside
Hoping I would forget what I always realize
That You are who You say
I can’t see it now
For all I can see is why I pray

Like a child found
Love that wraps me still, wraps around
won’t You carry me home, me home now?

You Are.

I am swirling about, tossed around
spit up upon this ground
You are.
I am crying out, looking around
desperate to be found
You are.
I am questioning, always seeking
analyzing every meaning
You are.
I am restless, selfish
clenched up in a fit
You are.
I am aching, constantly breaking
striving to be making
You are.
I am asking, lacking
Always reacting
You are.
I am nothing, never be
No good has ever come of me
You are.
I am sin, naught within
arrived at an end
You are.
I am bought at a price, far too high
One never could I buy
You are.
I am ransomed, redeemed
once again free to dream
You are.

I am always looking for an answer
One in everything
You are.
I am always wondering what could be
One in everything
You are.
I am always clinging, overreaching for
One in everything
You are.
I am constantly changing, always in need of
One in everything
You are.
I am always looking for an answer
One for everything

It comes simply.
You are.

Personal Typhoons

This is from my journal entry tonight. I include it here because I believe it important for people who know me to know this-it will make more sense at the end of reading this. Please see this as an asking of you to help me with this if you can. It would be greatly appreciated.

Tonight I am reminded of the blessing and need for people in my life. Recent events that have brought that to light have been my date with John last night, church today, our Crusade BBQ, and ice cream with Colin tonight. Each of those times were incredibly full and blessed.

Yet while remaining thankful for these people and this time, I find myself sitting here tonight lonely. I’m only a couple of hours removed from being with people, but it feels much longer. I find the fullness I had while being with these people has been replaced with a yearning. A yearning for companionship, and a desire to not feel alone.

Being self-sufficient in the ways I am by nature is certainly easier. It allows me to derive all I need from You and myself, dear Lord. You know I can easily immerse myself in my own world, whether it be the things I do, what I create, and what I dream. It’s almost this aspect of creating my own world that appears and functions the way I want it to. The problem with that though, is that it’s just a temporary though often long-standing illusion. Self-sufficiency only supplies for a time.

My instinct would be to say that being self-sufficient renders less heartache. It has felt that way with me. However, what I believe creates that is my walling myself up in my own world so that I am left generally unaffected. It leaves me steady because it protects myself from the elements.

Yet, I think I’ve come to believe that even the strongest walls are not meant to always stand. Somehow, through one force or another, they are overcome. With me, I’d probably say it is a typhoon that does it. A typhoon builds up over time with the forces around it to eventually unleash a powerful force. And when it finally starts, it does. It usually lasts a few days until it exhausts all of the energy and force it had built up and no longer has any reserves to keep going. It then dissipates. My life, particularly the emotional side, can often resemble a typhoon. They don’t come many in number and often come in certain seasons and times, but when they come, they make quite a presence. In the majority of the rest of the time in between, things are calm.

These typhoons of mine overcome my walls. They immerse the interior of it with every ounce of it-leaving me drenched, saturated, unable to run or hide. Instead, I am stuck in the middle of it trying to cope and escape but hopeless in doing so. I usually just have to wait out the storm and not let it “destroy” me. And when the storm is over-I’m exhausted. It’s like there’s this period of drying out, warming up, and recovering in which I’m just numb to everything emotional. When that’s over, then I can function again. I think that should be the last storm, that surely I’ve made it through this one and there need be no more.

I then try to live my life outside the walls. I remember how being in the inside of those walls in the storm left me trapped. So, I try to allow myself to be exposed, functioning in community and connecting myself with others. Praise be to You that You help me do it. I know sometimes I retreat back to my walls of self-sufficiency because I’m either tired of being outside or I simply want to be comfortable. But Lord, I’m trying to live outside those walls. To know what it is to be truly vulnerable and live life with others and not just on occasions. There is progress made; You encourage me with showing me that.

But the storm I thought was the last wasn’t. Another comes. The typhoon builds up its strength and makes its way again. Now I am trying not to run back to my shelter of walls but rather leave myself exposed so I don’t become trapped. That somehow, in being outside with others, they will know and recognize that I am in the middle of a storm rather than being in a solitary force unable to cry or articulate a need for help. And also, that they would know that things just aren’t easy going for me all the time. That they would know that I am subject to the building up of many different isolated forces, all combining to produce huge storms of passion and emotion that render me helpless. That even if I am not able to cry out for help, that they would see and come. That’s where being exposed is necessary.

Lord, I know I must be realistic and realize these patterns of storms may not cease altogether with one, as this has been so much the norm for me for so long. But I know I need to seek You and allow You to teach me how to let those storms subside in both number and strength until they are one day eliminated outright. You have been good in revealing what this is in my life and what it does.

I was reading about typhoons and there is this section that talks about how during the 1960’s and 70’s the United States Government sought to artificially dissipate typhoons by a variety of methods. The most tangible one was by towing icebergs into the tropical oceans to cool the water, thus inhibiting its development. Though the theory was correct, it was not an effective solution because the storms were far too large for it to have an effect.

I feel like the United States Government then, now. I feel like I’m learning about these storms and how they function and what they do. I feel like a boat towing an iceberg to the center to hopefully nip the storm in the bud, or at least lessen its effects. It just doesn’t quite work.

But I know the solution does not lie in what I can do or figure out, ultimately. Those things may help or perhaps point me in the right direction, but the storms are so large that they need a larger God to control and sway them. I know You are that God, my Lord. You know how I often feel spit up and tossed out by the typhoon that I’m left exhausted and numb to everything, even anything in trying to deal with these storms before the next one comes. You know the little energy I can have left. But Lord, I come to You now offering all I can with this and asking You to take the rest. I ask You that You allow the storms to subside and one day cease. I ask that I can learn to function on a normal human level with passions and emotions consistently-one that ebbs like an ocean, not a storm system derived from it.

Because where I am tonight is on the end tails of one of these storms. I’m in the midst of severe emotion and passion while dealing with its counterpart-numb to everything as a result of exhaustion. I’m feeling this yearning for companionship-one severe, and part of me wants to go back to the walls of self-sufficiency to be exempt from it. Yet, praise be to You, I am growing somewhat tired of those walls and becoming more ready to stand outside of it. I need not be so strong all the time, deriving from the strength that comes from residing in the walls I’ve built protecting myself from being affected. That only leaves me isolated. Being outside those walls is vulnerable and exposed, and I pray that with it doesn’t come a storm of its own due to the ills of my passion and emotion. But Lord, moreso I pray that it becomes a place where I can stay. That it becomes a place where I can heal from this last storm, and simply be where I am rather than having to cry out for help. And when the next storm comes, I’ll already be where I need to be-in the midst of companionship that will see the storm I am in and come to me.

Breaking of Steadfastness

I don’t understand why people have such a high view of me. Kirsten today told me how Professor Harlan (a teacher from 2 quarters ago that she now has) told her I was such a sweetheart. I've gotten a lot of various encouragement from people I hold dear as of late. I get this stuff over and over again from many different people. I don’t know. It’s not that I have a poor view of myself and that I don’t have any self-esteem, but it’s just not that. I don’t understand why people think so much of me.

It ties into the fact that John and I were talking about this weekend. I try too hard. When I was talking to Kyle last night, I realized a root source of that was being a Christian in a non-Christian family for several years, even a bit to this day. When I came to know the Lord, I had to seek Him out fully. I had to seek out fellowship, had to read the Word, had to develop all of these things largely on my own. I didn’t have my parents telling or encouraging me to do anything. It was upon my shoulders. In addition to that, my hearing loss has always been a source of me working harder. That’s a long story in itself left for later.

...

I want to lay again in a field of poppies, drinking in Your abundance and presence. I want to relive that drive-how it cleared my mind and took me to another place. Relaxed. Uninhibited to You.

Lord, I don’t know how to let that be my life in this time-that the variety the poppies and wildflowers brought also consists in my everyday-if I open my eyes to it. Life is surely a journey with many twists and turns, even the everyday.

Lord, there has been such a resolve in me to remain steadfast, and You are breaking it. You are teaching me what it means to ebb in the gentle waves of this life You have before me.

But it seems all I’ve known is what it is to be steadfast. So strong in resolve of knowing You, trusting You, seeking after You. And that steadfastness is a character in my everyday life as well-people know me as that. In many ways, it could be the foundation of which they base their other opinions of me on. Somehow, I’m a “sweetheart,” and being known as that largely comes from a steadfast character displayed by me as being a “sweetheart.” It doesn't come from me being a sweetheart some of the time and a jerk the others.

The interesting thing with this that I see now is that my own steadfastness has become a comfort. It has meant that I’m generally not subject to the changes of life, particularly the everyday, to affect me much. I think a reason why I am such a hard worker has been because the character trait of steadfastness has allowed for that-I generally don’t have the same day-to-day “life” distractions that most people feel. I am able to focus and get a tremendous amount of things done.

It seems like that is to start breaking now. That I need to learn to be a sailboat floating in the waves, bobbing up and down with it, rather than a powerboat cutting right through it unaffectedly. To recognize that there are times of change much more than just from season to season.

To somehow, become more human, whatever that means.

So often, I don’t truly recognize my weakness before You. And because of that, it limits Your divine intervention in my life as I don’t leave room for it. If I don’t allow there to be a need, then how can I accept Your provision for that need?

John says I try harder than anyone he knows. I never would’ve assumed that myself. Yet, that’s a strong statement, especially coming from him.

Why do I try so hard? And how do I stop trying so hard, when it’s so ingrained in me that I don’t even know what that means? Because, if you were to ask me, my first response would be that I’m not trying hard enough.

I want more of Your Holiness in my life. I want more of my character to display the heart You have given me. I want less of myself in the things I do and who I serve. I want less of me and more of You.

I see these things within me that need to be changed in order to reach these dreams.

But I cannot do it alone.

And though I want to, I can’t do it by trying, or even by remaining steadfast.

It seems like instead, I need to ride the waves in a sailboat, letting God steer the path. I need to feel every up and down and actually be a part of it. I need to let God show me and do those very things I desire on the course. As much as I tend to envision it to be, those things I desire are not an eventual destination. It is something that happens in the day-after-day, the continued reliance and trust upon Him.

Not by works, not by striving.

But by surrender.

By the breaking of steadfastness.

"You Make Everything Glorious"

It's been a stretching week in so many ways. I've continually had to come back to the truths I know as Satan has been throwing in every lie and scheme he can to distort what is good and pure in the refining process. I am reminded greatly this week that I am not saved by works or by any striving for perfection. My efforts are best spent accepting my humble state and allowing God to do what He will in it.

An excerpt from my journal entry this morning...

But Lord, I best bow down, accept my humble state, and allow You to do what You will with it. It is not by works that I am saved. It is not by striving for perfection that I am saved. It is by recognizing my need of You and remaining perpetually broken before You. Only in the brokenness can You truly make what You wish of me. May I be humble enough to remain there, but also confident enough in You to do what is best in Your sight, not in mine. May I direct my eyes to You, hold open my hands out before, and not look to anything else. It is in great weakness that I see great need. It is in great weakness that Your strength may be manifested and remain. May I find no pride in myself but only in Your glory shown through me. May You do as You wish.

Lord, this life is not an easy one as I am often reminded. But it is glorious. Beauty often comes from trials and pain. We often cannot truly understand what something is unless we have experienced the opposite. But may we recognize things and situations for what they are and what they can bring-often a truer light and greater picture than we have previously attained.

“My eyes are small, but they have seen
The beauty of enormous things
which leads me to believe
there’s light enough to see that

You make everything glorious,
You make everything glorious,
You make everything glorious,
And I am Yours.”
-David Crowder Band