Open Wounds

My last blog wrote about how in my life the lack of answer wounds. Well, I'm now in this time where God has been opening my eyes to those specific wounds. Some have been closed over for a while, providing temporary relief, and it's now that God's opening them up fully in order that He may heal them properly.

Be praying for me over the next couple of days. I'm going to need it.

You know sometimes I wish
You would take the cover off my eyes
It’s been fun for a while, this follow the leader
But now it seems like we should finally be here
Be where we were always meaning to go
You know sometimes I wish
You would take Your hand off my eyes
I want to see beyond the world masked with dark
To see the destination as it is in the light
See what I was always dreaming to see

I’m trying to walk in the dark
and trust You by my side
The hazardous path makes wounds I continue to bear
But now I’m tired, weary of the consistent pain
That You told me would not be suffered in vain
I’m trying to walk in the dark
and trust You by my side
This path has been winding a long time
Seems it’s the long way we’re going
Just wanna get to where I’m supposed to be

But You open up these wounds
And make me see the light
These sources of pain that I bear
Are to be cleansed outright
But now it stings a while
and I must trust You
in this time You hold me tight

I’m trying to feel the comfort
of Your hand over my eyes
Knowing You know what I can see now
And from what I still need to hide
In Your presence tightly wrapped in Your arms
I’m trying to feel the comfort
of Your hand always in my life
Bringing to light what needs change
To one day possess a brighter light
Yet for now, it still does sting a while

The Lack of Answer

I finally sat down tonight and did something I’ve needed to do for a long while. I went through old journal entries in certain time frames God brought up: 2.5 years ago, 2 years ago, and 1.5 years ago. I’ve been avoiding reminiscing and reflecting for some time…it’s as if I was scared of the pain that may arise from doing so. In reading tonight, there was some pain brought up but greater so, a great floodlight of God’s love on these things showing me He has either redeemed or is redeeming.

So much has happened…and it’s going to take some good time to truly sit down and allow God to continue to bring His light into these areas I haven’t seen for a while. But tonight a lot of pieces came together in one fundamental aspect of my character that I haven’t been able to pinpoint. It has affected me more than I ever knew. In my life…

The lack of answer wounds.

There’s three main, big areas in my life where I see this largely in play. I don’t feel the necessity to state them outright, but there is a pattern that has happened in each one.
-I catch the vision/promise/faith/love and it becomes a fervent passion and pursuit in my life.
-There were these long periods of waiting in which I wasn’t seeing the results of the vision/promise/faith/love.
-It brings up many questions, insecurities, doubts, as I seek and await an answer or manifestation.
-The longer I am waiting, the harder it gets to retain the vision/promise/faith/love I had in the first place, what got me started on that journey
-The lack of answer wounds.

I’m amazed at what a fundamental aspect of my character this is and how it applies to so many things in my life. It’s like I seek out answers to avoid being hurt. It’s why I want to know things. It’s why I want to be reassured and reaffirmed, as if the knowledge and answer will make everything all right. When I don’t have any of those things, I feel like something is wrong.

These wounds have run deep…I was reminded of that today. It is good for me to recognize that they are there. But it was also a reminder and given insight in how God has redeemed a lot of these wounds along the way and continues to in a greater degree now.

It’s ironic that I have this time of waiting, this time of a lack of answer, in order to learn how not to let the lack of answer wound me. It’s God being very thorough in the redemptive process.

In my head, I’ve come to understand that there are often times of waiting and silence, and it does not necessarily mean things are wrong. It does not have to be fought against and be consisting of a clinging act of searching for an answer.

My heart is getting to the point of understanding that. It’s not quite there yet. There are some wounds that are still being healed and learning to trust God fully with. Remembering that He holds me, knows me, loves me.

I honestly have a really hard time retaining the same amount of vision/promise/faith/love when there is a lack of manifestation and answer.

An answer is not given to me in how that can be changed, except with the reminder that I received tonight.

God does it. Only Him. And I probably will not see it along the way, but it will be there. He is always, always faithful. I have to recall the times of old and remember His faithfulness to remember He is worthy of my trust in the present and future. I need Him to restore my hope and delight in the waiting, remain steadfast in the present, and rejoice in the answers given in the future.

“Behold, blessed is the one whom God reproves; therefore despise not the discipline of the Almighty. For he wounds, but he binds up; he shatters, but his hands heal. He will deliver you from six troubles; in seven no evil shall touch you. In famine he will redeem you from death, and in war from the power of the sword. You shall be hidden from the lash of the tongue, and shall not fear destruction when it comes. At destruction and famine you shall laugh, and shall not fear the beasts of the earth. For you shall be in league with the stones of the field, and the beasts of the field shall be at peace with you. You shall know that your tent is at peace, and you shall inspect your fold and miss nothing. You shall know also that your offspring shall be many, and your descendants as the grass of the earth. You shall come to your grave in ripe old age, like a sheaf gathered up in its season. Behold, this we have searched out; it is true. Hear, and know it for your good." Job 5:17-27

All I have is Yours and all You have is mine

John 17:10, Luke 22:39-47
In reading these passages today along with others, I was so struck by John 17:10, in which Jesus is praying and states "all I have is Yours and all You have is mine." It's a meditation of sorts for me for a while, but I wanted to spend some time in the first part of that verse. It also brought the picture of the mentioned passage in Luke to mind as well. Lately I seem to be gaining more from writing in a more abstract manner and allowing God to speak to me through that manner; hence, the poems and lyrics.

All I have is Yours and all You have is mine
The act of always giving but also to receive
Wonder what true love could really bring
Outright deny the cries deep inside
Of the flesh that wishes to fight
And not walk on, numb to it all

All I have is Yours and all You have is mine
The act of both laying down a life
I’ve fallen asleep under the tree
The one I love has been crying out for me
A cold hardened heart that has yet to see
As I walk on, numb to it all

All I have is Yours and all You have is mine
An act of redemption giving sacrifice
Yes, there’s a love that fights
One that cries deep inside
Wishing to break free of the flesh that restrains
And run the risk of a broken heart

All I have is Yours and all You have is mine
An act of giving up control and letting go
Wondering how to learn nothing is mine
Yet I find there’s a freedom in loving
Of living a life of sacrifice
I’ll run the risk of a broken heart

All I have is Yours and all You have is mine
What a precious reward for giving up a life

Chord

I don't even know how to classify this. These are words that came together when I was sitting in quiet letting God reveal my heart to me. I've been all over the place, to be honest. Yet, it is interesting to find in these words how what I have experienced in the capacity of daughter, child, lover, adult, etc. in both my relationship with God and the men in my life influence me greatly. These words cannot be interpreted to just one meaning or one type of relationship. It's a chord of sorts that comes together to reveal a whole bunch of notes that make a distinct sound. It's not as clean as just one note. Yet; hopefully the chord is playing correctly to reveal the intent of the artist, and in time the other notes and chords will come. For now, I'm learning one chord at a time. Here is one.

You say I’m your daughter
You call me to be Yours
To fill me with laughter
and a love that’s joyfully pure
With one hand You twirl me around
curls from around my face bounce
and with the other You bring me back
into Your arms

Daddy’s little girl
Still remember it just like yesterday
Daddy’s little girl
Used to hang on to every word he would say
Daddy’s little girl
He was the only man in my eyes
Daddy’s little girl
And He always says I’m His

Why does it seem now I’m walking away
Walking on, learning to walk alone
Yeah, sure I’m learning to stand on my own
Face the world with the confidence you have shown
Yet why does it seem to difficult to learn?
Maybe it’s because the best dads know
that it’s better to let her go
and let her find within her love to return

You speak Your word over me
Your wisdom always pours forth
to guide me out with truth
and the knowledge I can learn
With one hand You squeeze me tighter
like it’s the last hug for a while
and with the other You finally let go
and send me out

Daddy’s little girl
It now seems like so long ago
Daddy’s little girl
Sometimes He’s now harder to know
Daddy’s little girl
Wish He could be the only man in my eyes still
Daddy’s little girl
Because I’m always going to be his

Sometimes I wish I could return to the innocent bliss
Carefree, just a life of simplicity
Yeah, I know I’ve always wanted to grow
To go and make my own way
Yet why do I now want to return?
Maybe it’s because of the love
The kind that made her grow
And now has set her out on her own

You say I’m your lover
You beckon me to be Yours
to fill me with passion
and a love that’s joyfully pure
With one hand You take me in
My breathing slows
and with the other You bring me closer
into Your arms

Tufts of Life

I went for a drive in Perfumo Canyon today. In some ways, it was a means of escape from the seemingly insurmountable work I have to do, but in a lot of ways, it provided reminder and refreshment.

I was so invigorated on that road. It is just an entirely different world in the canyon and at the top of the ridges. It was clear, sunny, and warm. Beautiful as usual. But as I had the windows of my car down as I traveled along the road, the smell was incredible. It was this fresh green, clean, pure smell that only new life can bring. The visual sight of the new green grass sprouting forth confirmed such a scent. It was wonderful...

There are times when the road I am on seems long and makes me weary. Sometimes it's so hard to see the end or at least relief in sight. On the drive I stopped in a canyon with a canopy of trees, and there were dead leaves all over the sides of the road. As I bent down, I saw these beautiful green tufts of grass poking through the dead leaves, and they stood stronger, higher, than the death surrounding. It was subtle, but there.

Talking with some people close to me today reminded me that there is growth abounding in me, even when I do not readily see it. I am learning. I am growing. I am traveling on this road though I am not at the end of it. I look forward to the spring in which it will be in full bloom and I can rest in some way.

In the meantime, though, I am thankful for the hope God has renewed in me, that there are tufts of grass along the way, small, but in time, it will become a vast meadow. Both literally and figuratively, that's a good thing to wait for.

But it does take time. And that's where I must rest and be patient.

Always Running

Always running into what I try to make known
Somehow thinking my legs will get me there faster
And somehow believing my mind will make it come to be
But as I run into an unknown future
I look behind to see the tracks I’ve made
Yet somehow they have disappeared
And I find myself in a world I’ve created
That has distanced me from the one that exists
Because as tangible as I’d like it to be
It’s as fickle as the vanishing mist

My dreams seem to lift me to the heights
The words within me seem to create a beautiful state of being
My mind constantly paints the pictures
Of what I can envision and would like my future to be
It’s like twirling around in a fairy tale
Even with the evil the good always prevails
And the happily ever after is always there
The bliss seems incomparable
And so still I create the scenarios
Of what could best assimilate
The reality of a fairy tale state

But I always find myself waiting
Waiting to see which of the scenarios I’ve created might come to be
And I’m always waiting
Waiting for the next best thing that’s supposed to come
I’ve subjected myself to believing
that life is as predictable as the fictitious stories I’ve always heard
And I’m always believing
That there’s always something better yet to be

It’s like a line drawn in the sand
Reality on one side and dreams on the other hand
And as long as I straddle the line I will never be fully where I should
As much as my dreams pull me to its side
As long as I breathe breath of air in this life
Reality will have its hold on me
And that’s really where I should fully be
But it’s so hard to let go and let reality carry me
Maybe even surprise me
That it could be better than the pictures and dreams I create

I’m always running
Always running into what I try to make known
Somehow thinking my legs will get me there faster
And somehow believing my mind will make it come to be
Bound to be surprised when the fickle mist lifts its veil
Finding myself face to face with reality
But I’m always running
Always running ahead of where I need to be

Passions and Desires

It seems like I have been confronted a lot lately with passions and desires. In so many ways, they are these big concepts and ideas that I cannot fully pin down, grasp, or understand. But there is one aspect with it that I’ve been realizing as of late.

Passions and desires are incredibly inconvenient. They don’t fit in neatly in life at all. It seems the world requires so many ordinary and mundane things of us that we allow ourselves to be subjected to. The world's obligations seem to max out our obligations but leave us wholly unsatisfied. Passions and desires aren't able to be compartmentalized. It’s not something that simply fits in a 2-hour time slot in which we can focus on it during that, and then move on.

A lot of my life lately has been of the organizational nature. I’ve had to be incredibly wise and diligent with my time in order to fulfill the obligations and tasks I either take (like Veritas) or others I’m subjected to (like homework). I’m thankful that I am able to do a lot of things that are using my talents and gifts God’s given me, and it is good. There’s a measure of me that loves the neatness I can create, my complex to do lists in which I can map out and plan everything I need to get done and do so, and the schedule I can easily follow. But, I’m honestly kind of tired of it.

I find myself overwhelmed with my passions and desires but feel like I don’t have the time to devote to them or to allow them to be manifested unless the world stopped spinning. And it frustrates me. My mind and heart is often so consumed with these passions and desires that it can feel like I’m just biding time in the things I do now. I know that’s not true, but it is hard to see it otherwise. I feel like I’m always waiting. That someday, there will be a time, but in the meantime, time keeps on passing by.

To some degree, I do understand these passions and desires in a broad concept. I believe God is leading me slowly to more specifics. But there’s a lot of waiting in there. There’s a lot of need of patience. There’s a lot of need in trust of God’s sovereignty.

Last quarter, I was really crippled with my passions and desires. I didn’t know how in the world I could possibly retain them, hope for them, live into them, wait for them, that I believe I became crippled and shut down. It’s been a long recovery process which I am still in to some degree. Sometimes, they just seem so lofty. Sometimes, they just seem too strong. Sometimes they feel naïve. Sometimes it feels like I am hoping for things that I shouldn’t, that I will be disappointed. Sometimes it feels like I am the only dreamer in a world of convenience, a world that does not lend itself to the pursuit of said dreams and passions.

I was crippled because the passions, desires, and dreams have always been so strong and I believe many grow stronger, but in waiting, my hopes just fell. The lack of manifestation of them in the present was rendering me disappointed. It just seemed so unrealistic, that I was trying to be a naïve girl in an adult world. In an adult world that doesn’t allow them or leave room for them.

But in the recovery process God’s been bringing me through, I’ve been reassured that these passions, desires, and dreams do have purpose. That I am not wrong or naïve to hope for them. As difficult and inconvenient as they can be at times, they are at the core of my existence, and I believe, part of my “calling,” though that’s a trite word. I don’t think the problem lies with the fact that we all have dreams, passions and desires. The problem lies in that we live in a world that doesn’t give room for them to be pursued or manifested. In saying this, I feel naïve still, but maybe God wants me to embrace those passions, fight for the manifestation of them, and allow Him to use it. I think the problem also lies in that we are scared to do so. It means change. It means embracing the unexplained, the things that aren’t readily explained and don’t make sense to others. I think sometimes we fight so hard to belong in an aspect we don’t need to. We don’t need to try and fall in the area of the commonplace. Instead, perhaps we are to be the first to stand up in a crowd, and be pleasantly surprised when many many more stand up with us.

In some ways still, I am crippled by the manifestation of said passions and desires, but God is leading the way. He’s helping me to see purpose in them. I’m now learning to understand and embrace them.

And hopefully soon, I’ll begin to walk in them.

Hopefully soon, this waiting time will be over.

But for now, He says wait. And I have to trust He knows what’s best.

Theme of 2008

It's pretty amazing that there could be a passage of scripture that encompasses so much of what has fallen within a year, but there is. God is good to give and reveal. He brought me back to Hebrews 6 tonight, and I remembered that different parts have been themes throughout the year. Yet, in its entirety, it speaks volumes. Volumes more than I ever could about what 2008 has brought. He is surely faithful.

Therefore let us leave the elementary doctrine of Christ and go on to maturity, not laying again a foundation of repentance from dead works and of faith toward God, and of instruction about washings, the laying on of hands, the resurrection of the dead, and eternal judgment. And this we will do if God permits. For it is impossible to restore again to repentance those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, and have shared in the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the age to come, if they then fall away, since they are crucifying once again the Son of God to their own harm and holding him up to contempt. For land that has drunk the rain that often falls on it, and produces a crop useful to those for whose sake it is cultivated, receives a blessing from God. But if it bears thorns and thistles, it is worthless and near to being cursed, and its end is to be burned.

Though we speak in this way, yet in your case, beloved, we feel sure of better things—things that belong to salvation. For God is not so unjust as to overlook your work and the love that you showed for his sake in serving the saints, as you still do. And we desire each one of you to show the same earnestness to have the full assurance of hope until the end, so that you may not be sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises.

For when God made a promise to Abraham, since he had no one greater by whom to swear, he swore by himself, saying, “Surely I will bless you and multiply you.” And thus Abraham, having patiently waited, obtained the promise. For people swear by something greater than themselves, and in all their disputes an oath is final for confirmation. So when God desired to show more convincingly to the heirs of the promise the unchangeable character of his purpose, he guaranteed it with an oath, so that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek. Hebrews 6, ESV

Thought of Longsuffering

From my journal entry:
The hardest thing about longsuffering is the waiting on promises to be realized amidst the threatening thought that it never will be.

It is Beautiful

As I was driving today, I was thinking about the story and life of Jesus, particularly the description found in Isaiah 53. It made me ponder the reality that Jesus’ life was a difficult one, not without persecution, suffering, or difficulties. Though He was fully God, He was also fully man and in His life here on this earth, subject to the very same things I am.

Yet, in knowing His story, life, and message, it cannot be denied that it was a beautiful one. It cannot be easily ignored that with the suffering came redemption and restoration. What makes His story so beautiful could be the pairing of stark contrasts that we seldom could not see paired otherwise, such as: “The punishment that brought us peace was upon Him” (Isaiah 53:5). It goes on to say He was a lamb led to the slaughter, and it brings the picture of pure white wool stained with the blood that came.

But there was redemption. There was purpose in the very slaughter. “It was the Lord’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer, and though the Lord makes his life a guilt offering, he will see his offspring and prolong his days, and the will of the Lord will prosper in his hand. After the suffering of his soul, he will see the light of life and be satisfied; by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many, and he will bear their iniquities” (Isaiah 53:10-11). And ultimately, there was hope.

On the eve of the birth of my Savior, I find there to be a lyric sung at church this morning that captures an irony well: “why would He send a little baby…?” Looking at that statement alone, it makes no sense. Yet, in the whole picture, it is a beautiful thing and understood.

I am finding great comfort in the life of my Savior. It makes the realities of mine make more sense, as my Savior lives through me. My life is not one without difficulties, and I am subject to things of this world. In many ways, I relate to that lyric sung this morning, “why would He send a little baby?” So often I feel like a baby with such lofty purpose and plans put upon me that in that context, do not make sense. But I am reminded of the contrasts and how they are beautiful. I am reminded of looking at the whole picture and seeing it as purposeful. That is true for me. My Savior lives in me, and just as I am subject to the realities of this world, I am more so subject to the life of Him, full of redemption and purpose, full of mercy and love. Just as the life He lived was not an easy one, so too, is mine.

But it is purposeful.

And ultimately, it is beautiful.

Elise gave me this quote tonight...not sure who it is from, but something in need of remembering and putting into action in my life right now.

“Walking in the power of the Holy Spirit in ministry means peacefully, happily trusting God in the midst of leaving things undone.”

In Drink

Seems like it’s a long, dry road I’ve been walking
An exhaustion of the body and soul and spirit
Pressing on despite the difficulties that reside
Still trusting that You are good.
Still knowing that You are sovereign.
Yet wondering where it is this road leads and why
The elements haven’t helped the exhaustion
Nor the questions
Sometimes tired eyes squint so hard to see what the next step is
And that can prove to be too much.
It becomes one foot after the other
Trudging forth out of sheer will that seems deplete
derived from knowing You are still there in it all
And You will never leave.

But it’s so easy to forget in the midst of a dry road
to drink of living water
the unending fount
I forget the providence You bring
I don’t walk on my own
You are sustenance.
You always provide.
May I fall so then I can be carried
Not rely on stubborn self-will
Need I drink
Need I rest to survive
Need I find the fount of water that multiplies
Beyond my greatest need
But in drink
May I delight.
To know You are the source of life.

Getting Free from Entanglement

There are some lessons in life that one cannot venture to explain the nature of it for some time. It’s like a journey so deep into a forest, which is purposeful in itself, but there is no way to connect with those outside the forest and explain what it is like unless you are there outside or they are with you within. My nature is to explain what I am going through with people, in an attempt to understand better what I am going through (I’m a verbal processor) and also that they may share in it as well. I believe strongly in the power of community and the measure of accountability that can come from it, but that in itself I have been learning is not absolute.

There’s a lot I have been going through lately. A lot of the things in my life that were once so black and white became increasingly gray and I’ve been attempting to understand why. I’ve been trying to reason through many of these things, hoping that once it made at least some sense in my mind that things would fall into place. But what I have found is that is not really true. The mind is an amazing faculty and gift given to us by God, but I also see it as one of the easiest things for Satan to deceive. He wants us to try to wrap our minds around intangible things to make them tangible to us, to try to have an answer for those things that simply don’t have answers, and to get us so concerned with the aspect of understanding why we believe what we do with specific things that we get away from the whole point of faith. We are to walk by faith, not by sight. There’s a reason many things and aspects of God are called mysteries. There’s a reason why we don’t understand, and it is that we are finite while He is infinite. And in all our struggle to gain an infinite understanding of the reasons to have faith, whether conscious or unconscious, the process of attempting to do so proves our earthly wisdom to be more finite than ever.

We don’t live in a cookie-cutter world, though sometimes that looks appealing. Sometimes it would be nice to have set criteria for what we are to do and who we are to be. It would make things simpler. It would make the quest for the right answer an achievable task. But as tempting as that is sometimes, I do realize that it makes our lives about achieving the “right” answer, doing the “right” thing, being the “right” person, all judged by uniform criteria that realistically, cannot be applied to such a diverse world. It becomes about achievements and works rather than a journey of faith, a journey of learning and failing and learning again. It would make our character a “right” or “wrong” thing rather than one in which it needs to evolve and be refined over time. We would miss the point of our life being a journey of faith that evolves and ideally strengthens.

It’s hard to classify specifically what I’ve been wrestling with, but I think it has to do with understanding the difference between aspects of God’s sovereignty and aspects of choices on my part. The prime example I can think of a demonstration of God’s sovereignty is that He sent His son Jesus to die, a one-time act that bought the pardon of all and could not be changed, subtracted from or added to. Yet, there is a choice on the part of every human being to accept the pardon or to reject it. The act of God’s sovereignty never changes, but there is still a response and choice to be made to the sovereignty.

I can’t tell of how many examples there have been in my life of this condition in the last few months, and how many remain. I would say I am really similar to Job in that I know God, I know His truths (though I can always know more), but I have questioned His motives and ways in doing what He is doing. I have forgotten to rest in the fact that He is sovereign and who He is. It’s almost like I’ve had a cynical faith. I’ve also had this harsh dose of reality over the past couple of months in that the world is broken. It seems like the dreams that once seemed so realistically and easily dreamed when I was younger now seem too lofty, and that saddens me. It shows me where I’ve forgotten to hold onto faith and not to tangible realities.

John and I talked about Romans 8 the other night, and it spoke a lot of truth. What I took away from our conversation is that we cannot change that which is sovereign and those things that only God can do. Fighting against it proves useless. However, there are aspects of our character (mentioned in Colossians 3) that we are to take an active part in correcting, doing away with, and refining. That process helps us yield to God’s sovereignty, because we are actively seeking to be holy, seeking the higher way rather than the conditions of this world and our flesh. We are to “put on the new man” (Col 3:10), and that requires action on our part. We are called to obey His commands, and the act of doing so is an act of love on our part towards God.

I think we often forget that that very process, though usually difficult and uncomfortable, is for our benefit. It enables the freedom for things to come about that couldn’t easily before. We cannot receive unless our hands and hearts are open to do so and aren’t previously occupied. We cannot yield to God’s sovereignty if we don’t see the need to do so.

I’m sure I’m off on a tangent here, but I think our efforts need to be in understanding the big picture and abstract concept of what God requires of us instead of analyzing things to a concrete detail that we miss the point. Instead of trying to understand every single part of why God is doing a specific thing, we need to instead focus on the fact that God is doing a specific thing, and we can trust Him to be who He is in doing that very thing. We don’t ask the right questions, and we often ask too many.

I heard it said a while ago that there is a reason Jesus talked in parables instead of bullet points. It is that there is a general meaning and concept behind the message He gives, but to make everything a point-by-point map would diminish the need for faith. It would surely become about works instead. We have some very clear directions that we should take as just that: clear commands to respond to such as in Colossians 3, and concerning our salvation through Jesus alone, such as in Acts 4:11-12. We should not try to make those clear concepts ambiguous, but to respond to them accordingly. Yet at the same time, there are many things, such as the aspect of hope that we are called to, that is much more abstract. The general idea of it is consistent, and we are all called to it, but how it is applied varies. There’s not a clear-cut pattern as to how we are to do it, and we should not think it is such.

I cannot change or bring about what is sovereign, but I can yield myself to it.

The ironic thing about writing this is that in one aspect, I’m trying to explain the answer I’ve been receiving in the state I’ve been in as of late. However, the answer is that I am seeking out answers that I cannot reach or are not there. I’m asking too many questions. I need to yield myself to that which is sovereign and have faith, one that endures and bears the fruit of longsuffering. I also need to actively pursue doing the commands that have been specifically mentioned.

I’ve let too many things that were/are black and white become gray. I may not understand why such a thing is black or white, but it simply is what it is. I can’t muddle black and white together intentionally to make gray. If you’ve ever mixed paint, you will understand that black and white are pure colors, and once you start mixing them, they are forever tainted and you cannot get back to the pure white or black. It will just be varying shades of gray. Thankfully, our faith is not like that, and the muddled gray can be redeemed to its purity. Yet, I think it should be a strong example of the danger that can come in questioning the wrong things. It’s hard to recover.

I will leave it with this: God surely has used this process and overall it has been beneficial because it has shown me the extreme finite nature of my mind. Yet, I allowed Satan a foothold in asking questions I didn’t need to, and those need to be redeemed. I’m thankful that He does so. Here is a quote from The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis that concludes it well. (The enemy is God, and it is spoken from Satan’s and the devil’s perspectives.)

“My dear Wormwood, I note what you say about guiding your patient’s reading and taking care that he sees a good deal of his materialist friend. But are you not being a trifle naïve? It sounds as if you supposed argument was the way to keep him out of the enemy’s (God’s) clutches. That might have been so if he lived a few centuries earlier. At that time the humans still knew pretty well when a thing was proved and when it was not; and if it was proved, they really believed it. They still connected thinking with doing and were prepared to alter their life as the result of a chain of reasoning. But with the weekly press and other such weapons, we have largely altered that. Your man has been accustomed, ever since he was a boy, to have a dozen incompatible philosophies dancing about together in his head. He doesn’t think of doctrines as primarily ‘true’ or ‘false,’ but as ‘academic’ or ‘practical,’ ‘outworn’ or ‘contemporary,’ ‘conventional’ or ‘ruthless.’ Jargon, not argument, is your best ally in keeping him from the church.”

"I Still Believe" lyrics, by Jeremy Camp

Scattered words and empty thoughts
seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
seems I don't know where to start
but it's now that I feel Your grace falls like rain
from every fingertip, washing away my pain

[Chorus:]
I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
even when I don't see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
with promises I still seem to bear
even when answers slowly unwind
it's my heart I see You prepare
but its now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
from every finger tip, washing away my pain

[Chorus]

The only place I can go is into your arms
where I throw to you my feeble prayers
in brokenness I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know You are near

One Day At a Time

I wrote in class yesterday, "Lord, You ask of me a strength that I do not have...in order that Yours may be manifested instead." And it has been. I look back on the past couple of months and it has been a hard couple of months. But it hasn't crushed me like it would've in the past. I see more and more that the times of trials and difficulties I go through reveal the true substance of my faith in God; it asks the question 'how much He is my strength?' because He is more than substantial. His strength carries me, one day at a time. I empathize a lot with the lyrics below especially in the conditions of this world but how "I can feel [His] fullness in my life." I'm amazed at how though I still live in a largely broken world, still He can heal and redeem, especially within me. And I will continue to walk one day at a time.

One Day At A Time lyrics by Jeremy Camp

One day at a time I will walk this road I've traveled so far
One day at a time well I know I will carry on
One day at a time I can see you took my life this far
One day at a time I will take this faith along

All this hope I breathe is given by the hand that carries me
Until I'm complete and I'll take all I will
To understand this plan you have for me, for me

I've been shut up, shut down, held out, held down
In ways I never knew I would
I can feel your fullness in my life
Well I've been burned out, broken down, torn out, torn down
In ways I never knew I would
I can feel your fullness in my life

One day at a time I will take these words you've given me
One day at a time I will rest in knowing you
One day at a time I will share this gift you've given me
One day at a time I will walk these valleys through

All I know is that I see how much my heart
Is longing to be cradled by your side
And I'll give all I can to one day soon
Be held by your hand, by your hand

In all these things I will press on
I'll be with you I know it wont be long

I See These Glimpses of Glory

I was in a coffee shop this afternoon getting some work done while there was a local musician playing his songs. He was not known, but full of zeal and enthusiasm which I appreciated. I looked forward to having some music accompany my design work, but I gained something much more than I expected: the observation of a tangible, beautiful reality; and it translated into another "glimpse of glory" that I keep getting time after time again lately in the midst of this broken world. It's those moments in which you see a picture of how things were intended to be. It's something that gives hope in the midst of brokenness. It was simple, but beautiful...
_______________________________________________


In a coffee shop on a crisp fall afternoon
There was a man in a corner, guitar in hand
singing his songs to the few who had come to hear
Most tarried around him occupied with the things they had come to do
But there was a woman standing in a corner
Watching him play like she had never heard music before
In the midst of a chord, he caught her eye
Smiled through the people and just wouldn’t let her pass by

I see these glimpses of glory
little fractures of light on the edge of brokenness
The picture of beauty that I see
makes me wonder just how and when
this broken world before us
left standing in the glass that shattered
can finally allow the redemption within

He played a little longer and she kept moving a little closer
waiting for the moment the song was to end
He put the guitar down with one hand and embraced her with the other
Turns out she’s his biggest fan
They shared a moment in the midst of the little café
Delighted in one another because the beginnings of a dream had come true
This was his night and time to shine
and she only had eyes for him

I see these glimpses of glory
little fractures of light on the edge of brokenness
The picture of beauty that I see
gives me hope and makes me wonder
when this broken world that lays at my feet
and my heart that lies within
can be bound up and healed

But he only had eyes for her too
a little while later he invited her to the front of the room
He wanted her to join in his last song
She pulled up a chair next to him and together they sang along
And by the looks of them, they were the only people in the room
Here was him and here was her and that was more than enough
in the midst of a night of sparse applause it was her love that carried him through
But oh, how he loved her too
If I had the chance, I would tell her
He had only eyes for you

I see these glimpses of glory
little fractures of light on the edge of brokenness
The picture of beauty that I see
is what carries me through
in my hope in a God who redeems
Because though the world is broken and shattered
it’s not what it was intended to be
and what carries me through
is my hope in a God who redeems
The pictures of beauty that I see
little fractures of light on the edge of brokenness
I see these glimpses of glory

"What are human beings that you make so much of them, that you give them so much attention, that you examine them every morning and test them every moment? Will you never look away from me, or let me alone even for an instant?" Job 7:17-19

A true thought in the fact that we can never escape His presence or hand, and that is not always an easy reality. However, it is coupled with great hope in that we can never escape His presence or hand, and thus, always reside in His sovereign grace. May our heart's response go from the above to the below:

"When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars, which You have ordained; what is man that You take thought of him, and the son of man that You care for him? Yet You have made him a little lower than God, and You crown him with glory and majesty!" Psalm 8:3-5

Kites After 21

I tried to fly a kite alone today. It didn’t really work.

The conditions seemed to be favorable. A steady wind was blowing and I was at the top of Perfumo Canyon at sunset. I had panoramic views all around me of the hills, the ocean, and the evening fog rolling in from the bay into the valley. It was so warm that I was happy in shorts and a t-shirt, which is a rarity of Central Coast nights.

I have long wanted to fly a kite again, especially at the beach. I was at the grocery store today and they had their random clearance boxes out. In them was an assortment of cloth kites, mostly Barbie and Princess kites, marked down to $2.50. I elected for the butterfly kite instead and was excited about my purchase. I left it in my car today thinking that sometime soon I might get a good chance to fly it.

I was doing homework this afternoon when I got the inkling to go up to Perfumo Canyon. It’s been a special place for me largely because of the two different people I shared the discovery with last year, but I haven’t been back since. I waited until about 45 minutes before sunset to drive up.

It was a beautiful drive. I had my camera and bible in tow and was greatly looking forward to the opportunity to enjoy my God’s creation and His presence. I stopped at the top where one can see Morro Bay and basically have a 360-degree view. I got my camera and bible out and went to go sit on the top of my car when I saw my kite in the back, and with the wind, I got really excited. Flying a kite at the “top of the world” (at least in SLO county) seemed amazing. I crossed the road into an open field and started my many attempts.

Like I said earlier, it didn’t really work. The butterfly kite was suspended in the wind, but was tossing about and turning, usually just a couple of feet above the ground. It kept turning backwards and fighting the wind rather than having its wings open and letting the wind suspend it. I tried a couple of different ways to set it off myself, but they didn’t work.

I knew it pretty much from the beginning—that I wasn’t going to be able to fly it alone—but I tried it for a while anyway. I didn’t want to waste such a beautiful night and not try.

But there are just some things that can’t be done alone.

I was talking to Kate today and she talked about lives merging. She was saying that in coming together, things are not the same as one was as an individual. But she said that there is a different happiness found in the merging, that some things get cut out, but the end result is incredible.

It reminded me of the necessity and benefit of sacrifice in relationship, not just with people, but with my dear Lord.

After my failed attempts, I drove down the hill a little ways and watched the remainder of the sunset from the top of my car. I talked to God during it, and found myself in amazement in how so many things have changed. Life is incredibly different now. I turned 22 yesterday, which is odd for many different reasons. As I sat on my car and thought about these things and more tonight, I firmly realized I am not a kid at all anymore. In some ways, I’m really not the same person I have been in the past, as I’ve “grown up.” I find myself increasingly thankful for the unchangeable character of God in the midst of so much changing circumstance.

There is so much I don’t understand.

There is so much that I have no idea how it will come about.

But I know the hope that I cling firmly to…and that outweighs it all.

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God (Psalm 62:5-7).

(Sur[real)ity]

I’m not sure why I am writing on a night in which my brain is fried (for a multitude of reasons), but perhaps it gets it out of the way to allow my heart to do the speaking instead.

This morning I got an email from the Art Department informing me (and all the other art students) that I needed to complete my annual advising, filling out a contract for the next 5 quarters of the classes I plan on taking. I’ve done this the past 2 years, and so it’s been familiar.
However, as I opened it this morning, it took me by surprise. It listed the next 5 quarters, as always, but the last quarter listed was the Spring of 2010, which is also my time of graduation.

That occurrence brought a new, stark reality to life—that graduation is actually, for the first time, in sight. It coupled with the fact that time has been flying by in a brazen, somewhat frenzied pace lately, and time seems to continue to speed up.

I’ve had a few discussions with friends of mine about the fact that our entire lives, up to this point, have consisted of only faint views of adulthood and what it looks like. It was always the prospect of the future, but one far off, intangible, and one that seems like it will never come. Yet, now, for the first time in our lives, it is no longer a prospect, but now a reality. And it’s the reality for the rest of our lives.

The days of innocence and carefree bliss that we associate with childhood are passing. Our eyes are coming into a truer view of this broken world, and we wonder and ponder what God’s role for us in it is. The aspect of going home one day to our Father is more and more enticing—perhaps, because there, we could avoid the realities that are seeming to plummet upon us.

I’m not trying to make this out to be a bad thing. Because it’s not, really. We are to move on from the elementary ways and onto the mature, and that is good. Even though we want to be Peter Pan and never grow up, growing up is good. It means many of the long held, highly regarded dreams of our youth can come into fruition now. Just about every girl has long dreamed of her wedding day and walking down the aisle to her groom. Just about every girl “couldn’t wait” to have kids of her own, even if she was 8 at the time. I know boys have dreams of this nature, though their content I do not know. I think we are coming to understand that though life isn’t the fairy tale we always dreamed it would be, in slow motion and with beautiful panning shots and a vignette blur around the edges, we understand that God has a far better story written. We’ve been walking in it from day one of our lives, but now just seems more real and tangible, because now, these things can actually happen, and are happening to those we know.

But I’ve had a strange occurrence in the midst of this stark reality…and that’s that life seems surreal to me. It doesn’t feel like I am fully here. My appetite for things is changing to some degree. I’m longing more and more the presence of my Lord rather than the blessings He’s given on this earth. It’s surely a lot of prayer answered, as I used to struggle otherwise. But it reminds me ever so, that this life, is transitory. That though, God manifests Himself tremendously on this earth, there still must be more than this.

A passage from the book The Shack talked about Heaven, stating “our final destiny is not the picture of Heaven that we have stuck in our heads, the image of pearly gates and gold stuff; instead, it’s a new cleansing of the universe” (pg 177).

Whatever Heaven may be, I do not know, but I eagerly await. This earth that I reside on now is my lot that God has cast. I attempt to embrace it wholeheartedly, as I am coming to understand that not just this present reality and the lessons with it, but also all of the future ones as well, are just preparation for that day I return home. As for now, may I become more and more like my Savior, resemble the image of my Creator, and live by the Holy Spirit indwelling within.

Male and Female

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them" (Genesis 1:27).

I've been thinking about a book I read lately that has an important truth to be remembered. It refers to the above verse and talks about how male and female were created in God's image. With that being said, each gender bears specific attributes of God that the other does not. God is a multifaceted being and has not limited a resemblance of himself in one part of his Creation.

That being said, in seeking to know and understand not just ourselves and our own gender characteristics, but also those of the opposite gender, we should consider it a blessing to enter in and understand attributes of God that we do not possess. When we journey into understanding the opposite gender, we also journey into understanding aspects of God that we may hear of, but do not necessarily understand.

Though it's complex and difficult, it is good, because there's much more purpose than just trying to understand the opposite gender. The creation of male and female is yet another example of a providence given by God on this earth to journey to understand the divine mysteries of Him Himself. That is purposeful and good, and surely worth journeying on.