No Longer Daddy's Little Girl

It’s my last night at home of the two weeks I’ve been here. It has definitely flown by and so much has happened in these past two weeks. I am not to speak of some of those things yet. But something else has happened that I didn’t expect to see or realize. I come to write of it now because there is an amount of closure that needs to happen here.

I’m not really in the process of “growing up” anymore, at least in the sense we know of in being children in our parents’ household. I’ve grown up.

It was an unexpected conversation with my dad today that brought me to see this. My dad and I, especially in high school, were incredibly close. We would talk for hours about anything and everything and it was always him that I went to with a question about life. The time was so incredibly sweet because he and I weren’t that close when I was much younger. I was a mama’s girl then. My dad used to be the one that I was a bit uneasy in talking to because I didn’t know how to relate to him. He was my dad, tall, strong, big, and intimidating, though I always knew he loved me. That rift ceased to exist as I got older, and the time I spent with my dad was precious to me. It still is.

However, when I went away to school, things began to change somewhat. There was a rift there again a bit. He and I are not one to talk on the phone or email in the same way that we talk in person. We are huge on that quality time spent with one another, as we would sit on the couch right next to each other and talk for hours. I only saw him every couple of months, and though we had some time, it would never be the same again. The rift has been much more significant over the past few months. We struggle to talk to one another on the phone and it always seems to end awkwardly.

Today we made a point to spend time with one another and he brought up the question of why there was a rift between us, and our answers were very different. However, I believe each bears truth. I spoke of him distancing himself from me. I don’t see him taking the same initiative as he used to do. I was thinking about when he would come home when I was in high school, he would immediately start up a conversation and I would fall into it eagerly. Now he comes home quietly acting like he’s in his own world or he’s waiting for me to make a move. It’s awkward trying to lead your own dad, and it’s not a role I necessarily feel comfortable with. Therefore, I haven’t done a whole lot in responding. My dad spoke of how I’ve grown up and I don’t need him in the same way anymore. Many of the roles he used to play are now filled by John. In some areas where I used to look to him for leadership I now look to John. I never really had a boyfriend in high school, and so I was always his. He never had to share. He spoke of how it’s a natural thing and it’s not bad; just something we need to be aware of and not let the rift continue to grow.

I remember over Thanksgiving break when my parents came out to California to spend the week, and John came with us for a day. It was great, as time spent with all of them always is. Around sunset, I went on a walk with John. I remember watching a football game with my dad and John after that. I was pretty miserably sick that day, and found myself putting my head on John’s shoulder for comfort. That day was a marked change. That’s one example of where I used to look to my dad I now look to John.

I was at Kate’s wedding last week and I remember watching her and her dad and seeing how the bond was still there as daddy’s little girl, but it was different. Kate was no longer going to her dad’s arms but to Chris’ first. It was a beautiful thing to see and watch as her dad let her go, but still remained steadfast in love and devotion to his little girl.

Yet, it’s a weird thing, this letting go…God has spoken to me that there are some areas I need to let go with my dad in order that His good work may be done in him, and also in my life. I am never to forsake the relationship with my dad, but I am to let go quite a bit in the present because God has a lot of preparation to do in him for what is to come. God is going to rock his world, and He will see the light of Jesus. He will see, turn, and repent and be wrapped up in His arms. Through that, our relationship will be restored and be edifying in a way it has never fully been able to be before. I can’t wait to see that happen and what God will do through it.

At the same time however, I have grown up. I am not the same little girl I once was. I will not marry my dad and spend the rest of my life with him. That role is reserved for the most wonderful man I know besides him. There’s this natural order of life that when it hits you, seems hard to admit it’s happening to you, but it’s there. I will always be my dad’s daughter, but I’m no longer his little girl.

I’ve grown up. I praise the Lord that in the midst of all of this change He is the constant…how He is my life, light and salvation. All these things are momentary compared to Him.

It is there that I have closure, and it is in Him that I will rest.

Oh

boy.

Here

we

go.

The God of Glory is in Our Midst

I don’t think there has ever been a time when I’ve come to write just like this. But I feel God moving me to. You see, I am outside on my covered deck at home in CO where I have been watching a thunderstorm for the past hour, and it continues to grow stronger and stronger….

It all began when I was eating dinner and watching a movie with my mom and I saw the watercolor wash of the sky as the sunset began. The dark clouds loomed overhead bringing the presence of an impending thunderstorm. I couldn’t not go outside. As I went, I saw lightning flashes begin as they started over the mountains, perfectly set against a bold, colorful sunset. I set out with my camera determined to get a picture or two of the lightning on the mountains. These moments seem so few in my lifetime now. It was such a challenge to get a picture when that was my goal. When I began to surrender the purpose of getting a picture and just observe God’s majesty before me, things started happening…

You see the pictures on here that I did capture. Let me tell you, that is nothing compared to what I see now. Then it was just over the mountains, here and there, a clean bolt, relatively easy to guess the timing. There was no thunder and it painted so much beauty. Since that time, however, I have ceased trying to get the perfect picture. The skies are lighting up all around and above me wherever I can see. As I set in to my covered deck, I asked God why I wasn’t hearing any thunder with this lightning.

The thing is, God has been showing me that the time is now for some specific things. Some radical, unbelievable things that will showcase God’s power for all to see. I told God that I know now is the time, for He has shown me so. I asked Him to further confirm and show that through thunder. Well, the thunder hasn’t stopped…and just now as I typed it, roared as loud as it has all night.

We have for far too long ignored God and His power or haven’t been willing or able to believe that He bears that power. The power to heal. The power to change. The power to renew and restore. The power that is so indescribable just as I can’t describe to you in words the thunder that I hear roar now.

I just had to move inside. The rain has begun to pour. Quite ironic, don’t you think, as I begin to speak of God’s power? It’s been looming above like thunderclouds waiting to be released…and now the time is here.

We have been in disbelief and ignorance for far too long. Just as God is displaying his splendor now, it has always been there. We have lacked faith grossly.

I come before you all tonight to declare that my heart has changed. This thunderstorm is a confirmation. My unbelief is no longer, for my eyes and heart have been opened by the living God who makes Himself known to all who receive. I see that Jesus is the only answer to all of life’s questions, and I set out tonight acting upon that truth. I see that doubts and insecurities are a mask of our unbelief of who God is and not believing the truths about Him. I see those masks still ever present in the people around me. The people who attempt to answer their questions and satisfy their desires with other things besides the one answer-Jesus.

Have we not seen that mediocrity doesn’t get us anywhere? We have been trudging along in it far too long, not allowing the living God to reveal Himself to us. Look at the lightning and hear the thunder-He is before us, a God in our midst!

There are many things that are coming for me to speak of soon, but for tonight, God is leaving me to say this:

Awake from your lack of faith.

See His glory and power.

Know that Jesus is the answer, the only answer!

Faith

Faith in God is not about the knowing, it’s about trusting Him in the not knowing. If we knew, we would have answers, not faith. Answers take the place of something so critical, our faith. It is our faith in who God is that holds us as we go through the process of being sanctified, refined, renewed. With full knowledge, we would miss out on so much. If we find ourselves concerned with answers, it is because we truly lack faith in who God is.

I'm Amazed...

I'm amazed at the refining that God can do in a short time.

I am also amazed at Satan's power and how he preys on us.

I'm amazed at this God of mine who pursues my heart endlessly, no matter how fickle or selfish it has been and can be.

I'm amazed at what He can do in the course of nine months, even three weeks.

I'm amazed at how wretched a sinner I am.

I'm amazed at His redemptive work within me.

I'm amazed at the level of fear that once lived within me.

I'm amazed at how He ordains things so perfectly.

I'm amazed at the blessings He gives unabashedly when we don't deserve them at all, and how he keeps on giving.

I'm amazed with the intricacies He creates our hearts with and knows what makes them beat fervently and what makes them pause.

I'm amazed that He knows every tear we've cried and is the giver of all joy that we have.

I'm amazed at this God who somehow deemed me worthy to send His son to die for me, and who has given His Holy Spirit to live within me.

I'm amazed at the fact that I can see and understand in part what the future holds, yet at the same time, have absolutely no idea.

I'm amazed at the gift of prayer in which we can deeply commune with Him.

I'm amazed by so many things...

Things I have seen...

Things I am seeing...

And the fact that I have seen nothing yet.

It's my God that leaves me

Simply amazed.

An End and a Beginning

I title this An End and a Beginning for many reasons...one being that it's the end of my second year of college and beginning of summer (duh), another being that it's the end of a certain kind of writing and beginning of another, and mostly that it's the end of a season in my life and the beginning of another.

I was in the car today with my family driving from Colorado Springs to Taos, NM for a 3 day family reunion on my dad's side. I found myself so overwhelmed at God's goodness and faithfulness as I looked back on what He's done and what He's doing and where He's leading. Driving down to Taos today , as well as in Colorado right now, everything is flourishing. I not only saw the visible flourishing but the flourishing in my heart that I haven’t seen and felt in quite a long time. I find my heart and mind overflowing with so many different things to say. To be in His presence is so good. So good. With this, I find this past winter passing and such a beautiful summer coming.

The ice of my heart has been melted, the one that dripped tears all of the time as God thawed it out over this year. Now the moisture or tears that I now cry come as a result from above. I saw this today as we drove...unspeakable majesty as the thunderclouds built up over the mountain ranges, deep blues and greys and more. The rain began to fall but it was peaceful, simply an overflow of what has been built up from above. The rain only makes things flourish more, causing the grass to remain green and wildflowers to bloom.

I think back to when I was home last, with the three blizzards and how that described my spiritual state so well at that time. There were so many storms within my own heart that I simply didn’t know how to recover from. It would die down for a period only to rage again and never fully melt in between. Like the snow physically took a long time to melt, so did the ice in my own heart. The sun shined after the storms to begin the process but it would take some time…

My dad said today that the 10 year drought we've had in Colorado is over. The reservoirs are finally full again and the rivers are flowing very highly. There are no more watering restrictions like there have been for so long. No more restrictions, an overflow...How beautiful it is to see that time of lack has passed and I have moved onto the season of growth…that the flowers are popping up, rivers are flowing, and life is flourishing, every mark of the Creator obviously shown. How I reside in a peace and overwhelming joy that used to seem like a distant memory. How I long to never cease praying to and praising my dear Lord who has fully and beautifully redeemed...

No one but Him

I've been so incredibly scattered and seemingly out of it lately. I even sit here tonight unable to fully grasp where I am and what I am doing. I am fully unable to sustain myself; instead, I am being sustained by the Sustainer of life. There's a newfound simplicity amidst newfound complexity right now...a paradox I am unable to explain at this time.

The end of the year is upon me and I sit here in my room just as I am before my Creator. I sit here and realize there is much I am not supposed to grasp just yet. I can't take it all in...

But what I can take in is that I am to be in the presence of my Father all the time...He beckons me into His arms. I come to somewhat of a harsh realization tonight in realizing that it has been no one but Him that has brought me through this year and taught me what I've learned. There is no other credit or praise due to anyone but Him. He has been the ultimate ordainer, but above all, the preserver of my heart...

No one but Him knows what I've been through. No one but Him knows fully what I've been taught. No one but Him knows fully my desires; He created me with them. No one but Him fully knows what's best for me. No one but Him fully understands what it is I am doing. No one but Him knows what refining and reworking in my heart has happened this year. No one but Him fully knows my struggles and pulls me out of them when I am unable. No one but Him knows every single tear I've cried, for He's counted them all. No one but Him knows what fully brings me joy, for He's the creator of such.

No one but Him fully knows me, fully understands me...

I say this not to minimize the people He's placed in my life, but to magnify His presence in my life. Without Him, there is nothing...I am nothing. I sometimes wonder why I try so hard to explain who I am, my struggles, my desires, my thoughts, etc., when there is no one but Him who will fully understand. I know the reason that I attempt to explain is that I desire for people to know me, to dive into who it is I am that God has created, to discover the mystery He has placed within. I know there is no one but Him who has placed the levels of depth within me as He has. Those levels within even daunt me at times. But I wonder what it will look like when/if someone attempts to discover what lies within...

There's no one but Him who has made me who I am today. There's no one but Him who will refine me into who I will be.

And I wonder if we often avoid levels of depth with people because we are afraid to get a bigger picture of our Creator's deeper workings, more intricate refinings and shapings...

But until that question is answered, I will rest in this...there is no one but Him in whose presence I can fully reside; who knows me full well, and sees me for who I am and what I will be and displays His love all the same. Simply...

There is no one but Him.

A Season of Change, Regeneration

I wrote this first poem on the first day of November. It came back to my mind this morning when thinking over this past year and what has been done. God has fulfilled what I wrote back in November in such beautiful ways, and I felt compelled to rewrite the poem in light of today. The November one is first; the June one is second.

The morn' of November

A crisp chill lingering in the stillness

Can you feel the season of change?

A regeneration

Old leaves fall and the new ones will come

Yet it's all in its own time

Ordained by the Creator of all

One must be tossed and turned about

Eager to escape its stem, root of life

But ever more, must cling stronger still

Are we so adamant to hang on to what is dying?

Or do we desire a rebirth

A regeneration

Blossoms on the brink but hearts must mend

In this season of winter to come

Finding a new joy in the creator of all

The morn' of November and season of winter very soon shall pass

On the brink of the revival of spring

Can you feel the season of change?

A regeneration?

June 9, 2007

The morning of June
A warm breeze breaking the stillness
Can you feel the season of change?
A regeneration
The leaves have come and the flowers push forth
Yet it was all in its own time
Ordained by the Creator of all
One has been tossed and turned about
No longer eager to escape its stem, root of life
For it is through that living water has been found
We are no longer so adamant to hang on to what is dying
For we have seen the rebirth
A regeneration
Blossoms in full presence and hearts mended still
After this season of winter has passed
We have found a new joy in the Creator of all
The morn’ of November and season of winter has soon passed
We have entered into the revival of spring
And we feel the season of change
A regeneration

Not to be Served, but to Serve

"He must become greater, I must become less." John 3:30

"But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first." Matthew 19:30

"Then the mother of Zebedee's sons came to Jesus with her sons and, kneeling down, asked a favor of him. "What is it you want?" he asked. She said, "Grant that one of these two sons of mine may sit at your right and the other at your left in your kingdom." You don't know what you are asking," Jesus said to them. "Can you drink the cup I am going to drink?" "We can," they answered. Jesus said to them, "You will indeed drink from my cup, but to sit at my right or left is not for me to grant. These places belong to those for whom they have been prepared by my Father." When the ten heard about this, they were indignant with the two brothers. Jesus called them together and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave-- just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." Matthew 20:20-28

I've been thinking and praying a lot regarding serving lately. It's come up countless times through conversations, scripture I've been reading, and opportunities I have. What I've been realizing is a simple truth but one so important that I neglect it at times.

It's easy for me to serve those whom I love, those closest to me in my life and most important. It is through the love I have for them that is the source of the desire to give my all for them and do what I can.

And there are others that when opportunities come to serve them, I feel more a sense of obligation to do so, rather than the same joy that I feel with those closest to me. I sometimes don't take those opportunities I have to serve them; other times I do, but with an attitude of heart that can be described as a mix between prideful and begrudging.

What is wrong in this is that Jesus must become greater and I must become less. When I truly see others and life through His eyes all the time, then my heart will be changed for those around me, reverberating with a love that is only of the Creator God. Out of that, how can I not help but be compelled to serve and give my all to those around me?

Our culture says that we should only look to other's interests when we can benefit from them in return. As Christians, we are to be radically different from the culture's crooked ideals. Jesus came not to be served, but to serve. If the One most High would humble Himself in that way, we have no reason not to do so ourselves. Why do we not see more people on their knees washing feet, taking on the lowly servant position? We do not work for a status in this world...our utmost desire should be to glorify our Savior, and we do this by denying ourselves and our own selfish nature and look around, outside of ourselves. The opportunities are countless to serve. But is our love great enough to compel us to do so?

He must become greater, I must become less. Through this...it is possible, if we turn our hearts and are willing to let His love be manifested in us in a way we could never do ourselves.

Through this simple truth I believe and pray that the eyes of the world around us will be changed when they see Christians acting in the manner of the One whose name they bear, the One whose truths they preach, and the One whose love they claim to have and share.

Are we willing?

Beauty from Ashes

It’s for your glory that the pain may linger
To show the healing power of only Your hand
When hearts are broken and fallen before You
It’s only in Your strength again they will stand
And the beauty that will come from the ashes on the ground
Transcends all doubt and pain
Because out of the dirt flowers come pushing forth
And bring them to worship You once more

May these tears that have been shed be wiped away
And joy be reborn in circumstance
It is You alone who sustains all things
And will sustain them still
The refining is painful and smarts ever so
Let them in their sufferings be closer to Your heart
And know that You are the Creator God, personal and intimate
And your plans have been there from the start
Be near to them still, in this hour of pain
That the night may end and morning bring new light

"For Your Glory"

There is a time to live, there is a time to die
There is a time to laugh, there is a time to cry
There is a time to dance, a time for joy's embrace
And in all seasons God we humbly seek Your face

This is our offering to you
This is our offering

Everything I am is for Your glory
Everything I am for You alone
Everything I am is for Your glory
Everything I am for You alone

There is a time to sow, there is a time to reap
A time for victory, a time to claim defeat
A time to be renewed, a time to be reoborn
And in all seasons God we bow before Your throne

This is our offering to you
This is our offering

The earth stands still without You
And we could only move because You made us to
The world is nothing without You
And we could only love because You made us to

Written by Matt Maher, Performed by Phillips, Craig and Dean

Winds of Change

It has been some time since I wrote last, and there is no way I will be able to capture what has happened in that time since. The picture above is a not so great picture of the baby birds (4) that we have outside of our apartment door in our light fixture. These birds have brought me great joy because one, I like birds, but moreso, they bear a symbol of sorts for me right now. They are newly emerged from the shell of growth, where they are beginning to open their eyes and see the world around them. They continue to wait on the daddy to feed them and the mom to comfort them until the time comes in a couple of weeks that they will begin to learn how to fly. It will be difficult for them at first, seeing as how they are pretty scrawny right now, but they will learn in time...

Oh much change and growth within me has occured, and I have finally reached the point where I have been able to open my eyes and understand what it is that God has been doing in me over this last year. It's been such a painful refining and reworking of my heart, something that He has never touched to this extent before. But now I see and understand, and it's such a beautiful thing. My wings have come as my Daddy has taught me and I am beginning to trust those which He has developed and begin to fly.

And I am continually struck by how much change has happened...things are so different. In the light of His wonderful power, strength, and grace, my eyes have changed. It's like how it was last year but even more so, as I have learned significant lessons on top of that since that time.

I don't really have anything profound to say lately because I believe the profound thing is God and who He is...the shaper and changer of hearts. If we look and see who He is and what He does, we will be left with nothing but the realization of how profound He is, and how He transcends all things. That's pretty amazing...

And as I was out and about exploring new places today, I watched the winds blow through the grass and felt the breeze through my hair. I couldn't help but think it was a conclusion to the change that has happened and a beginning for what is to come. Something's changing and coming, and I can feel it...I wonder what it may be. His time will reveal it if need be.

It feels good to fly again...to trust these wings of mine that God has given and created me with and wants me to use. Surely more heights and depths will be reached with this new method of discovery! Praise be to Him who is so good!

Revelation!

I come to write this tonight and I can't contain myself, more accurately, I can't contain the Spirit of the Living God who flows through and around me so! Oh goodness, my words are going to do such injustice to what has happened and what I see, but I feel so compelled to write, in greatest hopes that you get at least a glimpse of what God has done and is doing!

I see, I finally see and understand! I understand the questions that I have had for so long, and I understand why I have gone through the things I have this year, and I not only see the immediate purpose in it, but God's greater glory! And I find myself amazed that it was never about the questions, but the journey that my heart would take in the process of not knowing the answers. Would I choose to trust and obey, even when the refining was painfully difficult? Would I still choose to love and be wholly devoted to my Lord my God, every moment of every day, knowing that nothing is mine but everything fully His? And I finally came to that place over this past weekend after one of the lowest points I have ever had spiritually. Jesus said to the lame who He had healed to get up and walk, because he had been made well. I haven't been making that choice to get up and walk, because I have been healed and redeemed. But I knew that after this weekend I could remain lame no longer. I saw the depths of my soul in anguish with Satan's lies wrapped around it ever so, and never want to be back there again.

But how much greater is my God, the One who overcame and always overcomes! He is my redeemer, not just from this weekend, but always! He is so incredibly more than enough, and all that I have I do not deserve. How I have been holding Him back and been selfish by holding onto things so tightly, not being willing to surrender them to Him and see Him bestow them back in a greater way imaginable.

And as I have read over some of my journals from key time periods over this past year, I find myself utterly stunned. I don't want to give it all away yet as I want it to be mine and God's little secret for a little bit, but I understand and see so clearly now! I see what He took away and what He has brought and taught me, but now the former has returned and the two have merged. Each of the lessons in their own strength are now put together in such a beautiful piece that I can't even begin to fathom what God is going to do with it!

Oh that my Lord refines me and redeems me, not just in the past, but in the present and future! Oh goodness, how I can't even imagine what is to come....!!!!!

Giver and Satisfier of my heart

God is so good...!!!

At a loss for words, my mouth can hardly speak
That You whom I’ve doubted has come closer to me
The troubles that have weighed me down have now been set free
My Lord God, my redeemer, ever so precious to me

Have you given me any reason to doubt who You are?
Have I ever seen my heart run away so far?
But now here I am and You’ve wrapped me in Your arms
I see You as the giver and satisfier of my heart

Oh the goodness of a heart that beats, a heart that feels, a heart that thinks,
Cause through that I further identify with your suffering
I’m raised up to the heights of Your love, finding the full satisfaction of above
And Lord, I come to feel and find again that You are more than enough
You are my everything, everything to me

This surrender has set me free from the flesh that has held me down
The lies of Satan that flooded my mind and made me drown
Oh let praises ring to my rescuer who pulled me out of the depths
My Lord God, my redeemer, who has never left

Let me set my eyes on the things of You
Let my heart resonate only with what is true
Cause now here I am and You’ve wrapped me in Your arms
I see You as the giver and satisfier of my heart

"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, 'sureley the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,' even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you" (Psalm 139:7-10).

A Meaning of Guarding Your Heart

I've been thinking about something my friend Brittany and I were talking about this weekend a lot lately. She was speaking of how she is reading the book Captivating. In that book, the author speaks of how we as women are to be vulnerable yet guard our hearts at the same time. I remember the both of us half laughing at that statement because it seems so impossible at times, an apparent paradox. Yet we both know it is something we are to do.

But how?

I started putting together bits and pieces of this lesson that God has been teaching me as of late. Remembering Brittany's and my conversation seemed to put the final puzzle piece in place as to what God is teaching me. In my bible study we were talking about forgiveness, and I was thinking of different examples in my life. I know that I struggle with expecting people to bear the same traits or qualities as I do, and then when they don't, I feel like they let me down in some way. I choose to magnify my strengths and their weaknesses, rather than looking to their own unique strengths. I have to embrace individual people and what they bring, not expecting them to be like me.

Continuing on from this, I hold the people close to me to a pretty high standard. There are very few people in my life (I can count them on one hand) that I hold this standard for. It's a level of expectation and dependence on those people to fulfill the roles that God has placed them in in my life. As I know I have stated many times before, I am learning that I do need those other people in my life, because God has appointed them as such. It is not good for man to be alone. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 states this well. My life will be fuller as a result, because I have to learn to not only trust those people in my life, but also trust God that He is doing it for my own good.

But the key part of this lesson I finally understand. Being dependent is one way of showing vulnerability, but guarding your heart means knowing that Jesus is the only constant, the only one who will never disappoint. Guarding your heart means letting Jesus cover those disappointments that people cause, guaranteed to happen in our lifetimes. It means understanding that people will always disappoint us and being okay with that, because we know He is far greater.

It's a lesson in process for me. For the first time in my life, this year I have begun to truly let people in. It's so sweet to see what God is doing with that and how my relationships with people have blossomed as a result. My standards are still pretty high for those people closest to me...and perhaps that's something I need to reevaluate with God. But when I am disappointed, I am learning to run to Jesus...

Run to Jesus...

Grace for the Moment

The Lord has given me grace for each moment, for each day...I am to receive it as such. It is not about the amount of things I have to do or the amount I can get done, but about the question, "is God in this moment, am I choosing what He has?" Am I living in accordance with what God has for me to do at the present time?

It's a reminder that excellence doesn't come in the form of a test grade or teacher's approval. Even further still, it's a reminder that there's always going to be more I can do. I've been holding onto what I know I am capable of, but God is choosing to stretch me past it. I find myself humbled yet refreshed tonight that I truly am capable of so little...but through Him so much can be done.

And I must ask myself in those times when I feel conflict or stresses, "is this what God has for me in this moment? Or am I forcing something that doesn't need to be?" I am to live by the moment that God has given, not looking ahead, but seeing His glory in the present.

I won't get everything done, at least not to the level I would personally like it to be. But that's not what matters in the big picture of things. What really matters is whether or not I am seeking out God in every moment and worshipping Him accordingly. When looking back on each day, this week, this quarter, this life, it is my prayer that I can say that I allowed God to be in every moment. Life is much fuller that way.

The Lord has given me grace for each moment...and that is more than enough.

Look at His handiwork!

The One that Overcomes

This is the path less taken where the numbers are few
Like passing through the eye of a needle to get to where I need to be
You said the path would not be easy and the gate is small
Good and evil war against to become the stronger one
The one that overcomes

The words are heavy and they penetrate me still
That it is You who has come so I may live to the full
You said that I may live in You because You live
The realization of who I am comes and tries to be
The one that overcomes

Where my treasure is, it is there my heart lies
Whenever I leave You, it is then my heart sighs
You said that I may knock, seek and find
Your love that resides inside to become the force that pulls
The one that overcomes

My ransom has been paid by Your blood
Peace will come like a rushing flood
You said I would know the truth and it will set me free
I may take heart and hold to who You are
The one that overcomes

The snakes and the scorpions slither still
Wrap themselves around to try to pull me down
You say to me authority has been given
All the power of the enemy will cease as I can be
The one that overcomes

And the peace comes like a rushing flood
That all that needs to be done has been done
For now I know I have been bought by Your blood
And You are and always will be the One, the only One
The one that overcomes

Matthew 6:21, 7:7, 7:14, John 8:32, 14:19, 14:27, 16:33, Luke 10:19

I have much more to say to you, more than you can now bear. But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. He will bring glory to me by taking from what is mine and making it known to you. All that belongs to the Father is mine. That is why I said the Spirit will take from what is mine and make it known to you. "In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me." Some of his disciples said to one another, "What does he mean by saying, 'In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me,' and 'Because I am going to the Father'?" They kept asking, "What does he mean by 'a little while'? We don't understand what he is saying." Jesus saw that they wanted to ask him about this, so he said to them, "Are you asking one another what I meant when I said, 'In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me'? I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. In that day you will no longer ask me anything. I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete. "Though I have been speaking figuratively, a time is coming when I will no longer use this kind of language but will tell you plainly about my Father. In that day you will ask in my name. I am not saying that I will ask the Father on your behalf. No, the Father himself loves you because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God. I came from the Father and entered the world; now I am leaving the world and going back to the Father." Then Jesus' disciples said, "Now you are speaking clearly and without figures of speech. Now we can see that you know all things and that you do not even need to have anyone ask you questions. This makes us believe that you came from God." "You believe at last!" Jesus answered. "But a time is coming, and has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me. "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:12-33

Intricacies

These tears have wet my face and dried again
Sitting in the silence that probes my heart
Wrestling with where I am and where I should be
These things not easily changed
Oh that my heart’s desires would be of the purest nature
Seeking to glorify You in all
For nothing I deserve, but willingly You bestow
And how do I get my heart to agree that Your provision for the moment
Is more than enough?
Where is the line drawn between You and me?
What is of You and what have I taken in my hands?
My heart beats and my breaths are labored
A paradox between fear and surrender to You
How do I give my all yet hold back and wait at the same time
Wait on Your leading that only You can give
A struggle for contentment is where I am
For this heart You have created wants nothing but to love in full force
Am I quenching the fire that is meant to be kindled and burned
By wanting to go forth?
I seek You and ask You, the Creator of my inmost being
The shaper of my heart
That by Your grace You show me the way
To navigate the complex intricacies of my heart

Sign of Your Coming

We ask you for the sign of your coming
We want to know when you will be here
You answered with a sigh and refused
You knew that still we did not hear

Our hearts are hardened still
Our eyes are blind and we don’t see
That You are the Lord that fed the thousands
And You are the Lord who rules for all eternity

And why do we come to you and ask for what we already have?
And why do we seek answers that have already been given?
It’s our dull perception, our shallow hearts that rule us still
It’s our inability to stand that leaves us here to question you more
And ask for a sign of Your coming when You are already here

You know the truth but it has yet to take root
You have seen all the things that only I can do
I wonder why still don’t you see
I wonder why still don’t you believe

Your hearts are hardened still
Your eyes are blind and you don’t see
That I am the Lord that fed the thousands
And I am the Lord who will rule for all eternity

So why do you come to me and ask for what you already have?
And why do you seek answers that I have already given?
It’s your dull perception, your shallow hearts that rule you still
It’s your inability to stand on your own that makes you question me more
You ask for a sign of my coming when I am already here

Mark 8:1-21

How Sweet

How sweet is the melody of a thousand tongues singing
All in unison as the praise rises up through the room
It’s deeper than the words that are sung
It’s a thousand hearts in tune
To hear the whispers of their Creator
And walk in the way He wishes us to do

How sweet is the act of a sacrifice
Knowing there’s nothing greater but to pay the price
To die to oneself and a deeper life seek and find
To shatter false perceptions and leave them behind
It’s the love of our Creator that moves us so
To walk in the way He wishes us to go

How sweet is the harmony of all becoming one
Breaking down those walls that have been up far too long
It’s the act of being broken and willing to change
It’s the act of worship and giving Him the praise
Through Him we will find a love that surpasses all time
And beckons us to walk in the way He did so

[collections of thoughts] + [living in the spirit] = the power of Jesus' name!

I wish I had a picture of this project that was done in my class this past week. We had to take an image or idea prevalent in culture and change its meaning. One person took a painting of Jesus and put a face shot of Oprah over His head. It was one of those things that made you realize that sadly, it is true. Our culture today looks to what those in power around us do, and from that, derive moral standards and beliefs. Where Jesus should reign in all hearts of men, people such as Oprah have taken the place.

Casting Crowns even wrote about this in their song titled “What if His people prayed.” The lyrics go:
what if the life that we pursue
came from a hunger for the truth
what if the family turned to Jesus
stopped asking Oprah what to do?

This resonated throughout my mind as we discussed this project in our class. However, this thing one girl in my class has stuck with me several days later…we were talking somewhere along the lines of what justifies a person’s head to take the place of Jesus’.

“But [Oprah] is good. I mean, she helps people in Africa and builds houses and stuff. I mean, I like her.”

I was heartbroken when I heard this…for the definition of “good” in today’s culture is so skewed. But I also found tremendous hope as I realized that she has seen nothing yet. She thinks that Oprah is good? Well okay, yeah you could say that she is.

But my Lord is so much better…and how He will one day blow her away by what is truly good…that is Him alone.

This along with many other things said within our critique got me incredibly excited as I truly began to see why God has placed me in the art department. These people are passionate about what they do and what they believe and give their all to something. How amazing will it be to see God move and take place in the hearts of those around me. I am excited for the opportunity to tell of my Lord, of His amazing love, of His saving grace, and how through Him we can be reconciled to the father…that is something to be passionate about.

[transition]

I have found myself thinking and praying about the VA Tech situation. I know two girls who go there, as they were on my summer project in Santa Monica this past summer. One was in a locked down classroom at the time of the rampage. I find myself bewildered at the contrast of what I have felt…at times incredibly heartbroken at what has happened, but overall I have felt an incredible peace surrounding it all. God has given me no reason to doubt His sovereignty which I know will be revealed in this.

It is through those tears that repentance of the human condition comes.

It is through those tears that the realization that grace is needed is reached.

It is through those tears that strangers are brought together and a country united, because sadly, that’s what it seems to take now.

It is through those tears that God is able to reveal Himself to the brokenhearted.

And it’s through those tears that hearts are turned and brought to our Creator.

We talked today at church about why God lets evil happen. He is full of love but also full of justice. He is full of patience but wants his people to “call upon his name, humble themselves and pray, seek His face, and turn from their wicked ways…” it is then that He will “hear from heaven and forgive their sin and will heal their land.” (2 Chronicles 7:14)

And if that weren’t enough to comfort me, I am reminded of one of my dear sisters from project that goes to VA tech, Aicel. I didn’t get to know her very deeply this summer, but how I got to see glimpses of her heart…so incredibly beautiful. How I felt this summer God was preparing her for something so great…for she has a heart for the brokenhearted and for our Father that I have seldom seen. I feel great things are going to happen to her and especially through her. I eagerly await what happens…

[transition]

Living a life of interruption hasn’t always been easy for me. God has been breaking me in this especially this quarter as I generally have to live moment by moment, day by day. But when my schedule is so rigid, I don’t allow Him the opportunity to move... it is good being spontaneous and opening myself up to what He has for me. Yesterday was a prime example of this. Kirsten and I spontaneously decided to go get ice cream and candy to make our own blizzards late into the evening, and when we were checking out, we had a cashier that didn’t even look me in the eye. She was downcast, and so I took the opportunity to ask her how she was doing and she honestly answered me in how she was tired of working the weekend nights…partially due to the large number of somewhat disrespectful college students coming in for their party needs. No one ever asks her how she is. All she does is scan the next items coming down the conveyor belt as various people spend their money and waste their time on pursuing something temporal. It was good to speak to her and encourage her at least somewhat, I hope.

Oh if we would just open our eyes to those people around us, to the opportunities we have! The world is so much bigger than the bubble we choose to reside in. Pop it. The elements outside are guaranteed to be dangerous and uncomfortable, but who really cares? God is for us, who can be against us? Why do we hold back what He wants to do in the hearts of those around us and especially in our own cold, hard hearts? We don’t know how to fully love and love correctly because we don’t realize that God is love. We don’t look to Him to give us the source of what He wishes us to give to others. Bryan, our pastor, echoed a sentiment of culture today, in saying that when we learn to love ourselves first, then we can learn to love others. This is so wrong! God is love. God is love. GOD IS LOVE.

How can we ever expect to learn it and receive it when we are not willing to go in the way that He desires us to go, to be soft for the shaping He wishes to do? We ask why we do not understand when we don’t even try to understand. We ask questions of Him that He has already answered. We don’t walk in faith and trust the Living God that He knows us best and that He is fully sovereign, including His plan for the entire world and its redemption, and the return of our King.

It is time to change…

I praise Him for that change I have been seeing in the hearts of those around me. That we may turn from the lies that we have long believed about Him…things will change greatly! It is a beautiful redemption…simply beautiful.

[summary]

I talked to my roommate earlier this week about a few things concerning spiritual warfare and was struck by how it’s the power of Jesus’ name that changes things.

It’s Jesus.

That’s all that needs to be said.

Believe that He is who He says He is.

Proclaim the power of Jesus’ name!

Inadequacies Exposed

“I know, O Lord, that a man’s life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps.” Jeremiah 10:23

"Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God.” 2 Corinthians 3:5

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10

I come writing tonight not having it all together. I come just as I am, not having the answers but rather struggling through the journey to them. I come knowing that I am fully in God's hands but also realizing that I must continue to trust Him with myself. I come with my weaknesses and inadequacies exposed...and realizing how much I fall short of having peace in what God is doing with this, such as Paul above.

I feel as if my weak points are being exposed and magnified both in my eyes and in others. A realization of my faults for sure; that is certainly a part of it. However, there's another part I have also been struggling greatly with.

God is teaching me that I need to be dependent...and every part of my independent flesh wants to bitterly oppose it. It is easier to look out for oneself and only look to God alone, but God is showing me that is not how it is to be any longer. I've been learning that I need to be dependent on Christ, for I am nothing apart from Him, and now He is especially teaching me that there is much He is going to do in my relationships with other people-if I am willing to be vulnerable and dependent. A big part of this quarter is that God is going to teach me significantly through other people. I have already seen this greatly...amazing. Yet I find myself continuing to come back to the fact that this requires a trust in Him like no other...trusting that He has my best interests in mind by putting me in a position to be dependent, and trusting that He will overcome any shortcomings in those people around me that might occur. I see myself so nervous at the possibilities of shortcomings or disappointments that it's so easy for me to retreat back into what I have always done in the past...trust myself alone.

And for those of you who know me well, you will know how much I really hate being needy. I hate feeling needy and being a burden to others. I think I've always had a negative connotation of that word. Many pictures come to my mind when thinking about it, but if I would think of a word to describe it, helpless would be the first coming to mind. God's shattering my definitions with this...I don't know exactly all that it looks like. I've been realizing over this week in particular that I am not meant to walk this road alone...and that is what I have been doing in large part. The times of wanting to be alone are becoming fewer and shorter...a somewhat scary reality for an independent person such as me.

And how greatly I struggle and am learning to trust God with the desires of my heart...that what I want so desperately will be fulfilled in the way He thinks best...how I don't want to make His beautiful plans for me my own, as they should never be. I feel like I want and expect too much now and that I'm having to lower my expectations so that I won't get hurt or disappointed... the thought of desiring the greater gifts is daunting to me right now.

This is a hard road...with inadequacies and weaknesses exposed, I'm even more vulnerable to spiritual attack. And over and over again I come back to the fact that God is asking for my complete faith in Him...to fully trust Him. Do I really do that? No, but I pray that I am learning to. I don't know anything else to do.

Growth

I sit here this morning before my classes watching the wind blow the blades of grass that have grown rather tall on this hill outside my window. The hill is a bit paler green than it was, so at first glance it makes one think that it is beginning to die. However, this is so far from the truth. When one looks closer, it can be seen that each blade of grass has multiplied in a sense. Seeds have burst forth and has made the blade of grass fuller and able to grow more. It's so full that at times it hides the beautiful wildflowers beginning to bloom. They are not always visible because they are shadowed by the grass, but they are there in full beauty. It's been a long while since I've seen purple wildflowers...

I found myself so struck last night at the growth I have seen around me. We were in bible study for the first time in a while, and it was the same girls that I have been with since the beginning of my freshman year, and even my roommate from last year was back. I have seen growth in our bible study as a whole, but I have seen so much growth individually. These girls around me have been soft for the shaping and God is transforming them so beautifully. I looked at each one last night and found them to be doing the thing that she used to hate doing the most, whether that be vulnerability, speaking words, asking questions and probing faith, embracing and forsaking weak points, becoming a leader, a heart for ministry, and even wrestling with our Creator and the shaping being done within. It is amazing to me to look back on where they all have been and remain thankful that I have been able to see it. I find myself baffled a bit today as well at the fact that I was able to pour into these girls intentionally last year, whether that be time, prayer, or other things. It is cool to see how they have changed...

Yet I know it's not of me. I am so quick to claim credit or praise for things and I can't do that...these things only come (or should only come) as an overflow of what God is doing in my own heart. Praise should only be to Him-He is the changer and shaper of hearts alone. I sit here in a strange kind of peace this morning wondering what ways I have grown. I was wrestling with this question a couple weeks back, and honestly, I don't know. As I sat in bible study last night, I felt like there wasn't much growth on my part since last year. I have to remember that this year has not been one of outward change, but rather within, especially in the heart. I have to continue to trust that God is doing His good work in me, even if it's not always apparent. It is so beautiful to see the people around me growing like the blades of grass and know it's just beginning. Perhaps right now I'm a wildflower beginning to bloom...you just can't see it yet.

Nothing Better

There is so much I can say about what God is doing in and around me...but that is not the point. God is bigger than all things, especially my words. I was journaling tonight and recounting different things which I know God desires me to do for myself. But I'm not really supposed to say much right now. I am not the one in which God will reveal Himself through...it is Him alone, and always will be.

All I'm supposed to say right now is open your eyes and see Him moving and working. See His infallible ways, His incredible beauty, His love like no other...fall into love with Him, let His peace and presence consume You, and always desire and walk in the better way...

There is nothing better...I am convinced of that...

The Eve

It's the eve of a new quarter and I find I must dwelve into simplicity for the time being. I need to let God simply be who He is...He is always more than enough.

I don't know what is in store, and I find myself with an anticipation that is one of a bit nervous but excited kind. I feel on the brink of something yet in a waiting period still...

And with a vase breaking today and then a coffeepot breaking in the exact same spot several hours later, something is different...

I will wait to see what that is.

Until that time, let me remain in the presence of the Most High. He is altogether worthy!

Sin City

You hide behind the electrifying display of lights
Attempting to blind all who look in
That perhaps one will see a bigger and brighter future
Rather than a land riddled with sin
From the subtle “pop” on the street corners
To the billboards with women scantily clad
You lurk around and within
One of the biggest traps in existence

You lure in women young and old
paying them for their bodies that are of great worth
But that’s all you see that’s of worth.
Their bodies.
An object. A plaything.
Anything else is desecrated and dismissed
Are you happy seeing them serving the pleasures of men?
From the cocktail drink in “cute costumes” to a room with bare skin?

You torrent men’s minds with all this gratification at their fingertips
So few ways for them to remain pure
You want them to dominate.
Fulfill their fleshly desires.
Anything more noble is laughed at and scoffed
Are you happy seeing them giving in to their every whim?
From the image in hand on the corner to a room with bare skin?

You laugh with every dollar played on the casino table
For their ignorance is your bliss and fulfills your greed
That’s your appetite. That’s your goal.
To trap. To lure.
To deceive.
They know nothing else but to chase an empty dream
Are you happy seeing people empty their wallets?
An image of surrender to you and the illusion so convincing?

You lead every drunken step taken by a person trying to escape
Drowning their cares one by one
Down the pipe it goes and fades
Relief.
But only delayed reality.
Their cares are counted by the glass consumed
Are you happy seeing them swim in the sea of delusion?
From the first hard shot to the face passed out on the floor?

Your presence lurks from every light bulb bright to street corner dark
For you have this place in the grip of your writhing hands
This is your place.
A living hell.
But you have yet to see there’s One who will cause you to surrender in defeat
Your happiness will no longer be and your power will be ended
And forevermore your reign shall cease
Sin City will have no place anymore
Prepare the way for the coming of the Lord

Glory

When I look into the deep and vastness of the sea
Can I see Your glory calling out to me?
A glory that bids me come and die
and lay my life down at Your feet?

You've opened my eyes and allowed me to see
It's all for you, not all for me
And I should stand and sing your praise
Cry out at Your glorious majesty

Praise be to the One who saved my soul
though I am but a grain of sand, You made me whole
And as the waves wash away what was and is
I'm here in Your love, and there's nothing better than this

Glory, I give glory
You alone are worthy
Glory, I give glory
To Your endless majesty
Let my words come and speak
And only give praise to the One deserving

As I sit in Your presence and remain only still
Can I hear Your voice whispering until
The day comes that I may return home
And with Your spirit be completely filled

You've opened my eyes and allowed me to see
It's all for you, not all for me
And I should stand and sing your praise
Cry out at Your glorious majesty

Praise be to the One who saved my soul
though I am but a grain of sand, You made me whole
And as the waves wash away what was and is
I'm here in Your love, and there's nothing better than this

Glory, I give glory
You alone are worthy
Glory, I give glory
To Your endless majesty
Let my words come and speak
And only give praise to the One deserving

Praise be to the One who saved my soul
though I am but a grain of sand, You made me whole
And as the waves wash away what was and is
I'm here in Your love, and there's nothing better than this



















Pictures of Kristin Huisheere

Two by Two

It’s weird that it’s the end of another quarter and this one has completely flown by. Granted, I am excited to be done and to see what else lies in store, but with this, it is interesting to note what changes God is bringing and has begun this week. I will not be able to convey it to you because I haven’t been able to convey it to myself yet, but things are coming back…this time better. What that means only God can tell.

There’s been so many thoughts running through my head this week and so many things God is speaking to me about, and I haven’t had this for quite some time. I’m not going to rush what God is doing here because I often do that; however, tonight there is something pressing on my heart that I want to search out.

“The Lord appointed seventy-two others and sent them two by two ahead of him to every town and place where he was to go” Luke 10:1.

Elise brought this up tonight when we were down at farmers and it put the clincher on one of the things that has been laying on my heart as of late.

Through many different things, God has opened my eyes to what an incredible blessing I have in Elise. There is no other friendship in my life quite like ours. Every friendship I have is different because every person brings something different to the table and there is a new mix, and I am so thankful for each one of them. Yet I am profoundly struck at how enriching this friendship has been to me…

We are to give our all to each other and to God all the time. This is so rare in our society, as John and I have been talking about as well. It’s even rare in our Christian circles. I know I am guilty of it as well. I tire of pouring out into others who don’t pour back into me. It shows that I am not letting God be the source of my love. What a sin that is…

But when that sin of not giving our all and loving in the way Jesus loves us is overcome, how blissfully sweet it is! Every time I meet with Elise I can’t help but think that God is smiling and delighting in the friendship He has given us. Bounds have been overcome, walls broken down, and a blessed friendship abounds.

Oh my dear sister who laughs with me, taking delight in the things quirky about me, or the inside jokes that we share…to the times when she has watched tears of pain streaming down my face and offers such a presence of peace…to the times when we pour out our struggles and understanding that this journey God has us on isn’t easy…to the times when we simply delight in one another in the fact that we get to meet…again. and again.

And again. How God has ordained the time that we spend together…in what seems like impossible schedules to match up and meet, we see each other so often. God knows we need each other. And God intentionally puts us together. Again and again.

I have had the blessing of watching her grow in her walk with the Lord in immense ways over the last year and a half. How beautiful her heart and how tender her spirit is. I have watched her lay her life down at the Lord’s feet over and over again, desiring His best, and having one of the most beautiful spirits of repentance I have ever seen.

It’s her honesty that penetrates me. She holds nothing back and in this, makes me realize how much I do. How God is using her to make me open up in the same way.

It’s her love that captures me. She loves our Savior more than words could ever express and devotes herself to Him endlessly. She displays selfless love more so than anyone I have ever met, constantly giving her all to the people around her.

This selfless love I have never experienced quite in this way before. I have never had anyone pour into me and initiate things with me quite in the way that she has. It’s been wonderful, refreshing, much needed.

There’s so much more I could say about her and our friendship, but I’ll wrap it up with this. God has provided exactly with what we need. And as we walk on our own adventures with one another with arms around each other’s backs, we know that we’re not alone. And that is good.

Continuing on to another point with this…

About a month ago God posed me with the question and situation of being alone without my love. He separated me for a time in order that I may learn that I am capable of letting go even when it’s the last thing I want to do. He taught me so much through this, but the question is a little…discomforting. I don’t know what the future implications of what this will entail, and God is continuing to teach me to trust Him with it.

I would say that I have walked in life alone for the most part even with people surrounding me. The first 6 years of my walk with the Lord were spent in a non Christian household, so I learned much about developing my relationship with God on my own. My faith has always been my own and it has been sweet to see where He has met me with this. I had many amazing friends and influences and parents around me, but I’ve always walked solitary to some degree. My life has been solely me and God.

A huge part of what God has been teaching me over this year is vulnerability and letting people in. There’s much I could say with this and I already have before, but basically God has been changing this solitary nature of myself greatly. I still enjoy my occasional times alone and still need that greatly, but I no longer want to walk life alone. I want to share life. I want people around me.

And I was hugely struck by what Jesus did with His disciples…He sent them out two by two. Not alone. Not even in groups of three or four or five. Those groups do have their purpose, but I am thinking that life is meant to be shared intimately with one person. We are to walk journeys with one person at a time.

I see this in my friendship with Elise in a huge way. We are walking the journey of discovering the women God has us to be together. It is sweet and intimate and blessed.

I see this with John and the friendship we had/have and the beginnings of this in our relationship. As we press on to what God has for us, it will continue to develop and grow.

I no longer want to be alone. I want those friendships in my life. In particular, I want to continue to walk with Elise, and I want to be with John, the one I love.

And honestly, it’s sometimes really hard to say goodbye, even for a short time, because of how dear they are to me…I won’t get into the details here though.

Jesus sent His disciples out by the two, so they wouldn’t walk alone.

And I can honestly say now that I strongly desire someone by my side.

The Year of the New Wineskin

Below this entry is a photojournal of various birds I have taken pictures of over the last year and a half. I wanted to go back and remember those times in which I took those pictures and the various ways God has spoken to me through those. Unfortunately I do not have pictures of my famous pet goose from last week, but what I have will suffice.

In different seasons of my life God chooses to speak to me through different things. Last year it was through scenes of His creation. I was able to live in two places throughout the year, Colorado, and for the first time, California. Each has its own beauty and majesty and for the first time in my life, I came to truly appreciate it. Last year...there is not just one adjective that can capture all it entailed, but if I truly had to pick one, I would say majesty. Over and over God surrounded me with His majesty, whether it be the sunset at the beach in California, or a mountain range in Colorado, or a canyon with a waterfall in Hawaii. God blew away all of my perceptions in a huge way last year. All of my life's plans that I had coming into college pretty much completely changed. My plans were too small for my God. He has much bigger ones. He is beyond anything I can wrap my mind around, and last year I was met with that for the first time. Last year was one of taking pictures and embarking on this new hobby of photography, one in which I could capture and remember these great scenes God created for me. Last year was one in which words poured forth from my fingertips and mouth, in which I found God in so many ways. I would say that last year was a banner year in a lot of ways in my adventure with God.

And as the years go on, the change continues. As I said before, each season brings different things and different lessons. This year is my quiet year, in which God has chosen to rework and mold my heart in ways never before. This year is when I'm discovering what the sacrifice of true love really is. This year is one in which I find it difficult to do external things like last year because it's not the season God has me in. This season has me retreating from my position I've always entailed as a leader and entering into my Savior's arms and surrendering. This season is one in which God is creating me as a new wineskin in order that He may pour forth new wine into it and have it ferment into something better and sweeter. My words have been so few as of late, a strange thing for a writer such as me. But again and again, I find my words so inadequate for this time. I can't put into words what God is doing in my heart and I can't give Him justice through my words. I can't pour forth effort into something that doesn't require my all, and that's how writing has been as of late. My God, my Savior demands my all and that is where I need to be. For the first time in my life, I need to let my quietness speak instead of any words I can pour forth. I need to hear His whisper to my heart and let Him speak to those around me far better than I ever can.

As for what God has chosen to speak through to me this season, it has been through birds. How captivated I have been with them...a kindred spirit of sorts I have found. Growing up, if I was asked the question what animal would I want to be, it was always a bird. I am beginning to understand why...

The birds that I am surrounded with here in SLO, especially on the hills outside my apartments, possess a majesty like few I have encountered. They soar effortlessly through the air, letting the wind caress their wings and direct their paths. They are not ones to make obnoxious noise but they rather embrace the silence that lies all around them. How sweet is it to let one's words be few...to feel the wind beneath one's wings, knowing all one has to do is incline them in order to soar...

It's such a simple life that the birds have. As I was walking to work today, I saw these two ducks swimming in this ditch full of water by the path. They frolicked about among the moss and then decided to pick up and leave, flying right over my head dropping water on me as I walked underneath. They don't have any cares or worries.

They see the most majestic of sights. They bask in every sunrise and sunset. As the clouds change form above them, they are able to seek the light, for they see it and can obtain its grasp. If only I were able to see the light that clearly and strive for it every moment I live and breathe...if I could fly and somehow reach it, how sweet that would be.

I was watching hummingbirds in the courtyard of my apartments yesterday and for the first time actually saw a hummingbird not flap his wings but rest on a tree branch. The frenzied pace that was so normal to him he forsaked for a while. Sounds pretty familiar to me.

And so few are attached to one place, for they know that being attached to one place means it can be uprooted at any time. Instead, they fly around not having roots. How true does this ring in that this is not my true home. I have one waiting for me that is far better. I shouldn't get attached.

There's even a companionship that I have found in these birds that I long for. Last Saturday I went to the lake in town to sit in God's presence and somehow found myself in the company of a big fat goose for an hour. God had much to teach me through this goose. I was scared of this goose for quite a while because I didn't know what the heck he wanted and why he was right by my side. I wasn't sure if he was going to bite me or what. I had to learn to trust him that he wasn't going to hurt me and so the goose also had to learn I wasn't going to hurt him. It took some time but how sweet the results were...I was able to caress its soft neck and stroke its feathers and watch him fall asleep at my side...such a strange encounter with a goose. This goose also pursued me in a concrete way I hadn't experienced before. He swam out of nowhere in the water and walked out of it right up to my feet. He looked at me and honked at me for a bit waiting for me to get up and follow him. I followed him shortly from my bench and sat with him as he ate the grass surrounding me. I started singing some worship songs quietly to myself and he began honking so loudly! After a while I went back to my bench and he ran after me until he was right back at my side. We spent some more time together until I decided to make my way back to my car. He continued to run after me, and then just walked me to my car almost all the way. Three remarkable things happened in this. I was petting him on the back of his head as we walked and he was nuzzling into my leg because he enjoyed it so much. The second was that three other adults saw the experience I was having with the goose and decided to try and pet him too. He, well, viciously attacked them only to return right back to my side. As I was almost back to my car, he decided to stop going. I stopped for a second and looked at him and he looked at me, and then with a grand finale, he stood up as tall as he could and began to flap his huge majestic wings all while remaining on the ground. An incredible sight. This goose longed for my company and would stick by my side, not letting me go. This goose who was vicious to others learned to trust me and fell asleep in my presence. This goose showed me that he wasn't going to hurt me and I just needed to be in his presence. He delighted in me, longed for me, wanted to teach me. This is my God, the One who pursues me...how sweet it was in a rather amusing occurence of a goose.

And today I have found myself realizing there is still a bit more to be learned from these birds...there is still a bit more to this season I am in. For the first time in my life, I am not going to rush the time I am in. It is far too critical for what God has in store. For if my heart is not molded and shaped by my Savior now, how will I be able to rest secure in His love for me and be able to sacrifice all at the same time for what He has for me to do? I won't be able to. It will be like pouring new wine into an old wineskin and having it burst because it wasn't able to stretch any more. It would be lost.

I could look to future things and lessons that God has in store, but why would I want to miss this time now? It has been one of the most difficult seasons of my life, but one of the most rewarding. God is showing me who He is and wrapping me up in His presence. Why would I ever want to escape?

A Photojournal Through Birds