Inadequacies Exposed

“I know, O Lord, that a man’s life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps.” Jeremiah 10:23

"Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God.” 2 Corinthians 3:5

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10

I come writing tonight not having it all together. I come just as I am, not having the answers but rather struggling through the journey to them. I come knowing that I am fully in God's hands but also realizing that I must continue to trust Him with myself. I come with my weaknesses and inadequacies exposed...and realizing how much I fall short of having peace in what God is doing with this, such as Paul above.

I feel as if my weak points are being exposed and magnified both in my eyes and in others. A realization of my faults for sure; that is certainly a part of it. However, there's another part I have also been struggling greatly with.

God is teaching me that I need to be dependent...and every part of my independent flesh wants to bitterly oppose it. It is easier to look out for oneself and only look to God alone, but God is showing me that is not how it is to be any longer. I've been learning that I need to be dependent on Christ, for I am nothing apart from Him, and now He is especially teaching me that there is much He is going to do in my relationships with other people-if I am willing to be vulnerable and dependent. A big part of this quarter is that God is going to teach me significantly through other people. I have already seen this greatly...amazing. Yet I find myself continuing to come back to the fact that this requires a trust in Him like no other...trusting that He has my best interests in mind by putting me in a position to be dependent, and trusting that He will overcome any shortcomings in those people around me that might occur. I see myself so nervous at the possibilities of shortcomings or disappointments that it's so easy for me to retreat back into what I have always done in the past...trust myself alone.

And for those of you who know me well, you will know how much I really hate being needy. I hate feeling needy and being a burden to others. I think I've always had a negative connotation of that word. Many pictures come to my mind when thinking about it, but if I would think of a word to describe it, helpless would be the first coming to mind. God's shattering my definitions with this...I don't know exactly all that it looks like. I've been realizing over this week in particular that I am not meant to walk this road alone...and that is what I have been doing in large part. The times of wanting to be alone are becoming fewer and shorter...a somewhat scary reality for an independent person such as me.

And how greatly I struggle and am learning to trust God with the desires of my heart...that what I want so desperately will be fulfilled in the way He thinks best...how I don't want to make His beautiful plans for me my own, as they should never be. I feel like I want and expect too much now and that I'm having to lower my expectations so that I won't get hurt or disappointed... the thought of desiring the greater gifts is daunting to me right now.

This is a hard road...with inadequacies and weaknesses exposed, I'm even more vulnerable to spiritual attack. And over and over again I come back to the fact that God is asking for my complete faith in Him...to fully trust Him. Do I really do that? No, but I pray that I am learning to. I don't know anything else to do.