It’s my last night at home of the two weeks I’ve been here. It has definitely flown by and so much has happened in these past two weeks. I am not to speak of some of those things yet. But something else has happened that I didn’t expect to see or realize. I come to write of it now because there is an amount of closure that needs to happen here.
I’m not really in the process of “growing up” anymore, at least in the sense we know of in being children in our parents’ household. I’ve grown up.
It was an unexpected conversation with my dad today that brought me to see this. My dad and I, especially in high school, were incredibly close. We would talk for hours about anything and everything and it was always him that I went to with a question about life. The time was so incredibly sweet because he and I weren’t that close when I was much younger. I was a mama’s girl then. My dad used to be the one that I was a bit uneasy in talking to because I didn’t know how to relate to him. He was my dad, tall, strong, big, and intimidating, though I always knew he loved me. That rift ceased to exist as I got older, and the time I spent with my dad was precious to me. It still is.
However, when I went away to school, things began to change somewhat. There was a rift there again a bit. He and I are not one to talk on the phone or email in the same way that we talk in person. We are huge on that quality time spent with one another, as we would sit on the couch right next to each other and talk for hours. I only saw him every couple of months, and though we had some time, it would never be the same again. The rift has been much more significant over the past few months. We struggle to talk to one another on the phone and it always seems to end awkwardly.
Today we made a point to spend time with one another and he brought up the question of why there was a rift between us, and our answers were very different. However, I believe each bears truth. I spoke of him distancing himself from me. I don’t see him taking the same initiative as he used to do. I was thinking about when he would come home when I was in high school, he would immediately start up a conversation and I would fall into it eagerly. Now he comes home quietly acting like he’s in his own world or he’s waiting for me to make a move. It’s awkward trying to lead your own dad, and it’s not a role I necessarily feel comfortable with. Therefore, I haven’t done a whole lot in responding. My dad spoke of how I’ve grown up and I don’t need him in the same way anymore. Many of the roles he used to play are now filled by John. In some areas where I used to look to him for leadership I now look to John. I never really had a boyfriend in high school, and so I was always his. He never had to share. He spoke of how it’s a natural thing and it’s not bad; just something we need to be aware of and not let the rift continue to grow.
I remember over Thanksgiving break when my parents came out to California to spend the week, and John came with us for a day. It was great, as time spent with all of them always is. Around sunset, I went on a walk with John. I remember watching a football game with my dad and John after that. I was pretty miserably sick that day, and found myself putting my head on John’s shoulder for comfort. That day was a marked change. That’s one example of where I used to look to my dad I now look to John.
I was at Kate’s wedding last week and I remember watching her and her dad and seeing how the bond was still there as daddy’s little girl, but it was different. Kate was no longer going to her dad’s arms but to Chris’ first. It was a beautiful thing to see and watch as her dad let her go, but still remained steadfast in love and devotion to his little girl.
Yet, it’s a weird thing, this letting go…God has spoken to me that there are some areas I need to let go with my dad in order that His good work may be done in him, and also in my life. I am never to forsake the relationship with my dad, but I am to let go quite a bit in the present because God has a lot of preparation to do in him for what is to come. God is going to rock his world, and He will see the light of Jesus. He will see, turn, and repent and be wrapped up in His arms. Through that, our relationship will be restored and be edifying in a way it has never fully been able to be before. I can’t wait to see that happen and what God will do through it.
At the same time however, I have grown up. I am not the same little girl I once was. I will not marry my dad and spend the rest of my life with him. That role is reserved for the most wonderful man I know besides him. There’s this natural order of life that when it hits you, seems hard to admit it’s happening to you, but it’s there. I will always be my dad’s daughter, but I’m no longer his little girl.
I’ve grown up. I praise the Lord that in the midst of all of this change He is the constant…how He is my life, light and salvation. All these things are momentary compared to Him.
It is there that I have closure, and it is in Him that I will rest.
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