My mind has been a jumble of so many things the past couple of days. It has seemed like a lack of clarity but I now understand that it's a web that is crazily intertwined of all the things I have been learning as of late. The thing is, there is no way I can untangle this web on my own. I find myself going along this web and seeing all of these different things I have learned piece by piece and honestly, don't know where I have been learning these things. It's weird in a sense because I feel that I haven't been seeking out specific things necessarily, but have moreso been an open mind and heart for God to speak into.
I find my head filled with knowledge that would usually scare me out of my mind and my heart filled with a faith and trust that has never been there before. Over the past couple of days I have been asking the question, where did it come from? There's really only two answers to that question: of me or of God. I know it's not of me. It's like I was telling Elise the other day that I could never put myself here. No amount of seeking and climbing and striving could get me to this point of faith and trust that I am at. I am completely and utterly inadequate. It's as if God has put me and anchored me to this rock that He is, not allowing me to move. He truly is the rock on which I stand, because without Him, I would not be standing at all.
There's this anointing and preparation that God is doing that truly transcends all words. I am not yet to speak of what this preparation He is doing is. I'm amazed at what happens when we truly read the Word of God and understand its truths, God's character, and the promises made. There is a special anointing that happens when believers do that. Unfortunately, it is rare. We skim over truths that perhaps make us uncomfortable and try to form a God that serves us best, by picking and choosing which things to believe and interpreting things incorrectly. The Bible is not meant to be this way. When I opened my eyes for the first time at the book as a whole, I saw that it is a big picture with all these beautiful details. We must see it as that though, that it is completely whole; nothing may be added or taken away from it.
I find this anointing happening upon me because of choosing to believe these truths and also because of circumstances God has specifially placed me in during my life in order that He may be glorified. I see some of the things that are to happen now and I do see God protecting my heart and mind a bit in this. If I were to know, I would probably distinegrate at the knowledge of that power in those things. I have an understanding, but it is limited. I have this excitement, but it is curbed. I have this extreme fear and uncomfortableness, but it is resting in Jesus. Again, it is solely Him.
And I have been sitting here over the past couple days wondering why I am in a position such as this. It's like I understand to a point, but I don't either. Right now my world is so utterly silent and lonely as He folds me into the intracacies of His love and His plan for redemption of the sin of unbelief. It's a reality I am facing in the fact that no one, not one, fully understands. No one that I know has ever been in a position similar to the one I am in. I praise God for the people in my life that so willingly and lovingly listen and pray for me. It is indeed strange however to speak of these things and them not having much to say in response. I find myself isolated in so many aspects right now, and that is strange.
I also find myself being completely stripped of everything I am and all strength I have. I find more and more each day that I am living purely on His strength and not my own. Some days are better than others. Some days I am completely filled with energy and joy in His presence and other days I am drained by this uphill journey He has me on. I never have realized before now how much I have truly relied on myself. Elise was telling me that this book she is reading about Humility by Andrew Murray speaks that humility is not making little of yourself, it's making nothing of yourself. That's pretty intense. Again, I would never put myself here, but God is...
I find myself only able to surrender to all that He is and all that He has. I rest firmly in the fact that He has covered me with His love and presence. I know I have more and more to surrender that continues to come.
I am so utterly inadequate, but all I am able to say to what God is speaking to me of what is to come and what it is I am to do is "okay." I accept this, and will do so wholeheartedly. I am learning what it is to truly lay my life down at the cross in order that He may be glorified. I can't be selfish, this life is not my own. But in all of this, He is the giver of good gifts, and I know greater gifts and blessings are to come. I just can't fully wrap my mind around those yet.
And I leave here tonight admitting that it's not me at all. I don't come here and write this in order to glorify myself and the anointing that God is doing. For some reasons God has placed me in this position and all that I have really done is be willing to respond. He has done the rest. He always will.
It is only our unbelief and lack of surrender that holds us back from what He has. Let us be compelled by our love for Him that these things would change.
I have revealed you to those whom you gave me out of the world. They were yours; you gave them to me and they have obeyed your word. Now they know that everything you have given me comes from you. For I gave them the words you gave me and they accepted them. They knew with certainty that I came from you, and they believed that you sent me. I pray for them. I am not praying for the world, but for those you have given me, for they are yours. All I have is yours, and all you have is mine. And glory has come to me through them. I will remain in the world no longer, but they are still in the world, and I am coming to you. Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name--the name you gave me--so that they may be one as we are one. While I was with them, I protected them and kept them safe by that name you gave me. None has been lost except the one doomed to destruction so that Scripture would be fulfilled. "I am coming to you now, but I say these things while I am still in the world, so that they may have the full measure of my joy within them. I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified. John 17:6-19
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