Continued Shaping

I don't have many words to speak of what God has been and is doing in me. I honestly don't know much of anything. But I do know that He is beyond good and faithful and He who began a good work in me will complete it, and this is the road I am on. What a journey it is to find myself in Him...even with the times of brokenness I have never experienced to this extent before. He will and is doing His good work in me. He pursues me like no other. He loves me too much to leave me alone. Oh praise be to Him!!

These three poems seem to describe rather well the journey as of late. The process is incredibly remarkable to go back and read over and see how God has been shaping me and being faithful beyond compare.

1/19/07
You'd hold all the pieces
I feel I don’t bend this way
But You tell me I can
I feel I don’t turn this way
But You tell me I will
I feel I don’t sit this way
But You say it is better

O Lord the things of myself that I know so well
The things I hold fast to as to the way I am
You seem to say “it shall be no longer.”
And I know in my head Your way is so much better
What will it take to get my heart to fully agree
On this road of brokenness and pain?

To walk by faith when I cannot see
To press on though still I weep
Could it be that it is in me Your love is forming
Requiring and end of myself
Could it be that my heart will beat stronger
Though it is consumed by love as I speak?

O Lord, Your refining fire
It smarts, burns, and stings
In this You know Your purpose full well
But I struggle to see
It is difficult, uncomfortable
And at times almost too much to bear
Yet in all this Lord, I know nothing else but to cling
To hold fast that You know me better
The ways I feel, the ways I bend
And You know the frailty of my heart
If it were to break, You’d hold all the pieces
And in Your image, my heart You’d mend

1/25/07
Will I stand once again?
I have found You in the most difficult of times
When it seems like my pain is too much to bear
It makes my strength be gone
Yet my defenses remain
When You have stripped my cold heart bare
I know it’s the work of Your hand
But what will it take for me to finally fall on my knees
And then stand back up and fully praise You again?

I see You in the desolation of my despair
I find You wiping away my tears that come from the source of my sin
I feel You wrap Your presence around my being
Yet I fear You penetrating my heart

An act of desperation makes me cling to Your very presence
And at the end I find nothing of me remains
How do I pick myself up off the ground
Stand on my feet and lift up my hands
Let a song from my mouth escape
And praise You once again?


1/27/07
No Words can do You justice
If I were to speak of Your majesty
No words could fully do You justice
From the sight of the tufts of life poking through the barren ground
To Your clouds dancing across the sky bearing the work of Your hands
From the waves of the ocean crashing and washing my heart
To the half moon resting on its side smiling at me
O Lord my God, how majestic is Your name in all the earth!

If I were to speak of Your faithfulness
No words could fully do You justice
From the cries of desperation through tears You heard and answered
To moving this grieved heart to praise You again
From the promises You have spoken and never forsaken
To the sweet amazing ways of those You fulfill
O Lord my God, how much more faithful You are than anyone in all the earth!

If I were to speak of Your mercy
No words could fully do You justice
From the time You walked among me when I was a child
To the day You had my heart and took my hand
From the times I fail You and abandon who You are
To Your grace always washing me anew
O Lord my God, to no other can Your mercy compare!

If I were to speak of Your love
No words could fully do You justice
From the little moments and words shared with those dear
To the amazing gift of You fashioning me for my Beloved
From Your greatest sign of love on the cross
To Your endless pursuit of me still
O Lord my God, how Your love is better than anything I’ve ever known

O Lord my God, to You I will raise up and stand
Open my mouth and sing, to You I lift up my hands
This praise song forming in my heart renewing me again
If I were to sing forever the time would be far too short
Because You are the Lord my God and in You alone
I begin to find myself again

Continued Brokenness

How radically things have changed in the months past and continue to. I was thinking today about what I used to say to people and what I used to write here. I have always used both of those things in a leadership role. However, for this time, God has stripped away all leadership I have and has told me not to take initiative and lead. Simply said, it is difficult and foreign.

I find that changing even in my blogs here. I hope that the change that has come in my writing would be one that reflects the changes God is doing in my heart. It was and is never about me who writes these entries or says certain words. I am not the source of wisdom. I am so unworthy of anything given to me, even this outlet to write such words. It is my prayer that in sharing of lessons God is teaching me as of late that God will speak to you in whatever way He wishes, and that all praise and glory be given to Him. If He chooses to use me, then so be it.

This past week was one in which I experienced the most times of brokenness in a short period of time. God is teaching me what it is to go cry in His arms and let Him wash away every tear. I realized a couple of weeks ago that the brokeness would continue. My heart has been too calloused and prideful for too long, and it is only through the brokeness He brings that it can be reformed and healed. Can I say that I still am learning to be okay with these times and not hate them? I will say that I know they are necessary, and when they are brought about by Him they are even sweeter, though difficult.

Even in the humility God brings can still exist a resistance to this brokenness. I can make myself numb to what He is doing in me. Unlike never before God is bringing me to understand who I truly am. In the penetrating light that He is, I see the areas of darkness in me uncovered. Oh how filthy I am in sin and how I grieve Him in so many ways. Celebration tonight talked about the indwelling of the Holy Spirit and how it fills. I was thinking tonight about how it seemed like I once got it. It seemed there were times I got the idea of the Holy Spirit filling and also experienced glimpses of that. I know there were times in which I was led by the Holy Spirit in radical ways. Tonight I was wondering where that has gone. I still don’t really know the answer to that.

I think back to those times, however, and I look to my heart. Compared to now, I would say it was much more calloused and full of pride. I still keep coming back to the fact that I weep much more easily than ever before. I come to the fact that this heart of mine, all of its walls and self-defenses are so incredibly bare now. Yet Jesus has been restoring much. The anxiety and cares that I did have are going away in His sight. His light is penetrating. He illuminates everything.

I am in love with a man of God whom I certainly don't deserve. This is one area in which God is shaping my heart, in teaching me how to be vulnerable, submissive, and love with a love I have never experienced. When I am with him I find myself gazing upon him and being truly amazed at how evident God is in his life and heart. I find myself loving his little quirks and eccentricites about him in which God has made him unique. I remember the times in which I have failed him and am continually amazed at his endless love and grace for me. I find our relationship giving me such a necessity for God. And above all, I find myself amazed that he is before me in the way he is, and that God has blessed me with a man in whom I can continue to fall more in love with.

But how much more so should that be true for my Dear Savior?

At church today, especially today, when the invitation to receive Christ was given to the audience, at first I was thinking, “here we go again. It seems like we do this all the time.” How quickly God convicted me that my heart was so wrong in this. Have I forgotten that quickly who my Savior is, and who He was on the day I wrote my prayer to ask Him into my heart? Have I forgotten who He has been over the years, and His continued love and faithfulness since? There are times I know I do. Oh how my Dear Lord has not changed since that day. I need to remember that day and time so much more. I need to be just as eager to receive Him into my heart as I was in the beginning. I need to always be eager to know my Savior and desire Him and let His love sweep me abound like no other.

This past week God has been teaching me so much about Spiritual disciplines and discipline in general. I have seen that through His Word that the discipline He gives and the discipline we are to engage in all comes back to our heart for Him. If we truly understood who He is and allowed Him to be that person fully, there would be no hesitation in giving our all to Him. There is no reason that I should not be compelled to do so, except for the fact that I don’t worship Him in the way He deserves and I don’t give my all to Him. I still don’t know who He truly and fully is. I praise Him for being the same yesterday, today and forever. He is beyond good.

Dear Lord, it is my prayer that as Your light continues to illuminate all darkness around me and especially in me, that I would see how set apart You are and truly understand what the meaning of Your love and grace is. Dear Lord, as I continue to come to grips with the fact that I am filthy in sin, let me see and find Your character in ways I never have before. I pray that I would both see who I am apart from You and who I am because of You. I pray that I would above all, continue to see who You are. I pray that You be the Lord of my life. Dear Lord, I pray that I will not shy away from these times of brokenness. I know they are so difficult, but necessary. As Hebrews 12:11 says, our times of discipline and hardships will bring about a harvest of righteousness. Let me look to that as well. Oh Lord, my God, I praise You for being who You are. Thank You. I am so undeserving, but thank You.

Marvelous Light

I rearranged my room the day I got back to SLO from winter break. It is much improved than before. It just feels different, better. What does this have to do with anything, one might wonder? It is strange because I find it is a symbol for what has been happening over this last week.

This quarter is completely different than last quarter in so many ways. It would take forever to explain it in its fullness. I've been struck by a couple things, however. Part of the rearranging my room was moving my bed to a different wall. When I wake up in the morning, I am greeted with the view of the hill outside my room, illuminated in the precious morning light. I woke up on Friday in one of the most worshipful states I have woken up in and it was sweet beyond belief. The light shining in my room seemed to be warmer, richer, brighter, and the sky a deep, vivid blue in contrast with the bright tufts of green grass beginning to emerge from this hill.

The hill in its physicality has not changed, though it is becoming greener. The sky is still the same and the same sun rises every morning. Yet, I view it completely different this quarter. Last quarter this scene would've brought me probably either anxiety or dread at the prospect of getting up for another day. I so miserably failed to see the beauty in each day and realize that God is fully in it and sovereign.

I think it also comes in the wake of Christmas break and waking up to a 5 foot drift of snow next to my window every morning and being met with the harsh elements. Obviously, the weather is a little bit better here.

But it's so much more than that. If I were to leave it at that, I would do God such injustice at what He has done. He has rearranged my life in more ways than one and melted away the snow that left me unable to move. There is a newfound hope and joy He has brought, much like the green grass emerging which brings way to spring. There's been a lot of shifting in my heart, one so difficult but so good. And now the light that once brought anxiety brings hope and a rememberance of His promises. He is beyond good. He is the light, and in Him there is no darkness. The closer I get to Him as I allow Him to pursue me, the harder it is to find any darkness.

Today John and I took a little day trip to Paso and then over to Cambria and then to the shores of Cambria. Oh how evident God is in His creation! I found myself in a rekindled love for the ocean and the hills and all that surrounds me. It spoke to my heart again, and God asked me the question, "Will you always look to me?" Last quarter I didn't. I looked away from Him because I feared Him for all the wrong reasons. Now I realize that there is no way I can't look to Him, for He is my light, my strength, my salvation, the source of love! How can I not look to Him when He surrounds and He is the very breath I breathe out of my mouth, the air that fills my lungs, the joy in my heart?!?

And oh, how amazing it is to not have any anxiety about the future for the first time in a long time! I was planning the classes I need to take over the next three years and was at Spring of 2010, hopefully when I will graduate. Oh, where will I be then? I can only imagine at where God will take me in that time and what He will do! I can't wait! I was sitting with John today and thinking that the best is yet to come...that is hard to believe! Oour mini-adventure gave me a craving for more today, I crave for more of His adventure. It's a journey unlike any other, full of surprises and trials and blessings and lessons and so much more. It will not always be easy but it will always be worth it!

"My lovingkindness I will keep for him forever,
And My covenant shall be confirmed to him.
"So I will establish his descendants forever
And his throne as the days of heaven.
"If his sons forsake My law
And do not walk in My judgments,
If they violate My statutes
And do not keep My commandments,
Then I will punish their transgression with the rod
And their iniquity with stripes.
"But I will not break off My lovingkindness from him,
Nor deal falsely in My faithfulness.
"My covenant I will not violate,

Nor will I alter the utterance of My lips.
"Once I have sworn by My holiness;
I will not lie to David.
"His descendants shall endure forever
And his throne as the sun before Me.
"It shall be established forever like the moon,
And the witness in the sky is faithful."

Psalm 89:28-37

Oh Lord my God

Oh Lord my God
When I think about where I've been
Who I've been, what I've done
I come to grips with myself
As slippery clay at the bottom of a miry pit
The storms of life came but I knew
nothing else to do but to remain.
Oh how wide and deep is Your love and everlasting grace!
For You reached into the depths
of my shapeless, formless anguish
pulling me out of the hell I knew.
Oh how tender is Your care and mercy!
You shephered me into Your arms
Healed the shattered pieces of my life
which I arrogantly bore
Led me beside quiet waters and restored me still
Oh how solid is the rock that You are!
apart from You I stumble and fall
because strong and sturdy are Your foundations
They will surely last for eternity
Oh Lord my God,
when I think about where I've been,
what I've done, and who I still am
I realize my desperate need for Your grace
Your abundant love, the only that fills
the empty void in my heart apart from You
Oh Lord my God,
When I gaze on You and wrap myself in who You are
Surely I must praise, for my heart,
my every breath compels me to sing
to tell of who You are and what You've done
redeeming and restoring even me
and pursuing with a love beyond all others
Oh Lord my God,
surely the Heavens declare Your majesty
the starry host the work of Your hands
Oh Dear Lord, how I pray
that I, fashioned in Your image and bearing Your name
would glorify You and bring You endless fame
All of my days, let this be my heart's cry
for You are the Lord my God
and there is none like You
for You are the Lord my God
and Heaven and Earth shall bow down and worship You.

A Holy Necessity

Oh goodness. It’s hard to believe I am actually sitting down and writing this. I have not felt led to blog for quite some time, at least about what God is bringing me through and teaching me. I now do though.

I have been stripped. I have been emptied. I have been and am going through what has been the hardest spiritual lesson in my six year walk with Christ. I literally have nothing and am nothing. I have no control over anything anymore and very little idea of what is to happen in the future. My life’s strategy of having 5-year plans, analyzing and researching things to death, along with the whatnot is no longer. I am beginning a new major with no idea of what I am going to do with it except glorify God in some way. I am entering a new department with people that right now, I really don’t know how to relate to. I am in a relationship that stretches me in ways I never have been, in not just becoming the person God wants me to be, but the woman He has created me to be. God’s plans for missions in my life may be changing to an extent, at least for a period of time. And the promises Christ has foretold, I just wait in expectancy for Him to reveal Himself through the things He will do.

I have always been rather disciplined in my walk with Christ, and have flourished because of it. I know the necessity of these disciplines such as prayer, reading the word, fasting, solitude, silence, etc., are critical to maintain a thriving relationship with our Savior. However, for a period of time, it simply wasn’t the same. I didn’t get the same things out of it that I once did and I didn’t understand why. I became stuck to say the least. I had moved forward and got to a point where I got stuck as Christ called me deeper and further into dangerous territory I have seldom ventured.

I no longer see Christ just as the docile shepherd I have always seen Him as. I see Him as One fiery and passionate, not asking, but commanding that I give my all to him and follow, no questions asked. He is to ask the questions of me. I see the Jesus that Peter saw on his fishing boat, that after He filled up Peter’s nets, He called him to forsake it all and follow Him. Peter asked Christ to leave his presence for he is a sinful man. There’s a book I have been reading, Your God is Too Safe, and it creates the image of Jesus filled with fiery passion as He commands Peter to follow. Peter had a choice to allow Jesus to leave, or to leave everything he had to follow Jesus. That image of Jesus has scared me and made me uncomfortable. Jesus, the One who comes and fills our own nets, often does so in order that we may see He is the source, and then commands us to forsake it all. I have been blessed beyond anything I can imagine, and so my nets are full, if you will. However, Jesus has come face to face with me and has called me to leave it all for His sake. I am to truly seek out His Kingdom and His righteousness first and foremost and all things will be added to it.

And after this encounter with the true and full Christ, I became Jacob wrestling with God. God touched the socket of Jacob’s hip in order that he may understand that God has full power. The interesting thing is that Jacob was able to wrestle with God; God permitted so. One would think a God who can kill someone with a strike of lightning wouldn’t allow a mortal to wrestle with Him. However, it is through this wrestling with God that Jacob truly encounters Him and realizes that He is the source of blessing. Jacob is left with a limp in order that he may not forget, and gains the new name of Israel because he struggled with God and men and overcame (Gen 32:28). At the beginning of this summer I was fascinated with Jacob for I didn’t really understand him. The book I have been reading talks about Jacob on a couple of occasions. However, as I read it, I thought those chapters were the least convicting. Looking back I realize it was because I didn’t want to face or admit the fact that I too, like Jacob, was wrestling with God and myself.

In this season God has made me more vulnerable than ever before. I have long excelled at putting up walls in my life and not telling people my struggles. I finally realized much of why this is so today. As I was the only Christian in my family for almost 6 years, I didn’t have spiritual accountability and leadership from my parents like others may be used to. I have been the spiritual leader in my family for the majority of the time I have walked with Christ. One thing I have known is I have the tendency to feel I must be strong. Much of that has to do with what my family went through in high school, and because I had the hope of Christ, I was looked to and put in the position to hold my parents and my family together in many ways. However, after talking to my mom about a couple of things this week, I realize my parent’s resolve to fix all of my problems. They lift me up on a pedestal and validate everything I am feeling and going through, whether right or not. I couldn’t take this advice fully while walking with Christ. See, they were and still do live much more for the world than for God. I wasn’t walking in the same path. I know they have the best of intentions and they do it all out of love, but I needed more than they were able to give me. Therefore, I went to my best friend with my struggles and pretty much no one else. I wasn’t in the habit of telling people my struggles because I didn’t want them to give me a quick fix that wasn’t edifying to me. This habit is to be no longer though. God has brought the walls crumbling down time and time again over the last few months. Now He is cracking me open. He is desiring me to be vulnerable with those people in my life, but above all, to be vulnerable to Him. I need to be soft for the shaping, and if I have those walls up attempting to be strong all the time, I will never admit my abundance of weaknesses and needs for Him. I have long succeeded on doing things on my own efforts and including God in it. But that’s not what He wants. He wants to further His Kingdom and include me in it.

With that God has been working and shaping and forming my heart, sometimes in soft, gentle care, and more so with sharp, painful hammer blows. In this I have realized how much I hate being exposed. Sure, I could come out behind the walls and show myself a bit, but the hand would always be on the gate handle in order that I could go back in and hide. I actually have had a recurring dream throughout my life. It is that I am out in a public place and I need to go to the bathroom. So I go, pull down the pants, and sit on the seat to do my business. Yet as soon as I do that, the stall vanishes, and I am stark in the middle of the busiest place, such as a food court in a mall. People walk all around me and look at me wondering why the heck am I going to the bathroom in the middle of such a place, and I try to move and hide, but I am stuck, unable to move. The nightmare of being exposed continues and continues. I always wake up at this point.

I always thought that this was just one of those weird dreams that I’ve had. I’ve even told it to friends as one of those amusing dreams one has while growing up. However, I don’t view it the same anymore. Oh how much fear and anxiety I have in being exposed, and how much I have hated it. To be exposed to that degree reminds me of the ickyness of going to the bathroom in the middle of a food court while others are eating. So I have long since avoided it.

God doesn’t let these matters go. Yes, He has created us and fashioned us into the men and women we are today, but He is not content to leave us as we are. He is the ultimate refiner. It is not acceptable for me to just say that I hate being exposed and that is just how I am. God wishes to stretch me even more. What I may view as being “icky,” the act of being exposed, is the very way in which God will choose to reveal His light to the world, starting with the people around me. I am not to include God in my plans, which would probably be ones of avoiding that level of exposure, but He is including me in His, which means I will be exposed beyond anything my flesh desires.

Such is the war between flesh and spirit. Oh how I know that God knows what is best for me and following Him above all no matter what the cost is more than worth it. Yet, my flesh sees those costs and doesn’t wish to give anything up. It is far easier and more comfortable to remain in the boat and not walk on water. It is much harder to trust Jesus and begin to walk on water, but even harder still I think is walking on water and keeping our eyes on Jesus so that we don’t sink.

I have been remembering this summer when I went on project. Never before have I felt so spiritually alive and seen God move in the ways that He did. The reason for that was that I was constantly out of the boat, out of my comfort zone, walking on water with my eyes fixed solely on Him. Oh how profoundly amazing this summer was. As I left project, I was still walking on water, and I did for a short while. However, after going back to school and experiencing a culture shock of sorts, I tried to continue to keep walking on water but didn’t fix my eyes on Jesus. I began to sink.

I haven’t been trusting Jesus to be the same One who called me out of the boat and invited me to walk on water in the first place. I have never really learned how to let Him minister to me in the fullest. I would try to keep walking on water but I would look to those around me and situations around me and get distracted. That kept my eyes off Jesus and made me sink.

Now as I turn my eyes back to the Jesus whom I fixed my eyes on as I walked on water, I find a different, fuller Jesus than I had before. This began the wrestle with Him like Jacob wrestled. God is calling me to be exposed, vulnerable, have no control, become a woman, submissive, and all these things so foreign to me. I didn’t want this exposure of my heart in which I no longer had control. I wrestled with God in giving this over, in fixing my eyes upon Jesus so I could walk on water again. And in this process, I made an idol out of my relationship with John. It was easier for me to think the true issues with my vulnerability, submission, exposure, emotions, needs, etc., lay with him. I had a bit of control over this, whereas with God all I can do is fully surrender. An idol is so easy to hide behind and I understand why Jesus came into the temple courts raging with anger to wipe those away. Such disgrace they bring to Him. This struggle with God finally became clear as I realized through my actions, I screwed up the one thing in my life I never wanted to. I took it into my own hands and embraced that idol so I wouldn’t have to come before Him just as I am. Like God touching Jacob’s hip so he would know it was Him, God has touched my heart so I will know it is Him. I am left with a strong memory that brings a bitter taste to my mouth of how I took control and screwed up things, and while it might be nice if it would go away, I am thankful it remains. Like Jacob’s limp, it reminds me that God is all powerful and I am not to be in control; everything falls apart when I do so. It reminds me of my struggle with Him and how I must surrender.

It hasn’t been an easy one. Like I said earlier, I feel completely emptied and humbled. I wrote this in my journal a couple of days ago as I was at the World Prayer Center coming before God finally allowing Him to do what He wishes in me. “Dear Lord, I don’t bring things to You in the way that I need to. I have been basically mocking who You are and Your character because I don’t allow You to be who You are to me. I don’t have enough faith for you to be who You are to me. You are the God whom I proclaim to others, yet I don’t let You be that same God to me. I complain to You of the state my heart is in, when I put myself there. I have been looking to the world for its definitions of things rather than to You and to Your word, because it is in that that I think I am okay when I really am not. I wonder why am I hurt and why am I struggling, when I don’t allow You to heal. I have chosen a stagnant way because I won’t let You be who You are. Again and again, I try to carry the pieces and put them together, but over and over again I full and stumble and drop them all. Dear Lord, I claim that You are the Lord of my heart but I haven’t been living it. I have been hypocritical in how I have been living. Dear Lord, I don’t know why You have endless mercy on me, because I don’t deserve it.”

How He met me there...how He has always been there. One thing I understand fully is that it has never been His lack of coming or being there; it has been my choice not to come and let Him be who He is. I am emptied in order that He may fill. I am humbled that I may always remember the roots of who I am, a sinner and in desperate need of God. Psalm 32 has spoken to me greatly in this time. God also reminded me of how intimately personal His pursuit of me is by bringing me back to my snow covered field from a year ago, in which He spoke and showed me how my sins, scarlet blood red, are washed as white as snow, only by Him.

He is beyond faithful. I have everything I could ever need and desire in Him alone. He covers my abundance of weaknesses with His blood.

I am remembering and learning. I am finding a deeper significance than ever before in seeking God. It is not something I am simply to do, but it is a Holy necessity. I sink without it.

God is so gracious and yet so dangerous. As the Chronicles of Narnia state, “He is not safe, but he is good.” He is so good.

I can’t see much beyond the waves of my life right now. I know there are going to be times when the ocean is more still and times when it stirs like crazy. There are going to be times in which it will be easier to walk and focus, and times in which I will be stretched beyond anything, struggling to keep my balance and not stumble. I know that the Jesus who calls me to follow Him—his path is uncertain, but established. I know the risks of walking on water—it is so easy to sink, as I already have. But I have experienced what it is like to stay in the boat and know how spiritually dead it feels. I am as vulnerable as Peter, walking on the water to Jesus. The water is temperamental, fallible, unpredictable. I am exposed to the elements of the ocean and storms around.

But as long as I keep my eyes on Jesus alone…Dear, dear Jesus, with a fiery passion in His eyes and a consuming love in His heart that captures me like no other…I will not sink.

As long as I keep my eyes on Jesus alone...

I will walk on water.

My Lord Jesus

I wrote this while by the fireplace in the mountains and was completely captured by the fact that I can call Lord Jesus mine

There's a different kind of praise
that from my mouth escapes
no longer a touch of bitter but a sweet, sweet taste
My Lord Jesus is here and He has wiped away
this solemn, sullen melody my heart used to make

Rejoice in the presence of the new
The joy in my heart has been renewed
All of my days, let me worship my King
My dear Lord Jesus who came and died to save
There's a new song that I must exclaim

My Lord Jesus, He is the King of Kings
My Lord Jesus, He is the Prince of Peace
My Lord Jesus, He is exalted on high
My Lord Jesus, His name a banner across the sky
My Lord Jesus, the crown of thorns You wore
My Lord Jesus, my filthy sin You doth bore
My Lord Jesus, You came to live and die
to be resurrected and lifted on high
My Lord Jesus, the generations know Your fame
My Lord Jesus, forever will endure Your name
My Lord Jesus, You know my heart
and You love me just the same
My Lord Jesus, my love whom I can call by name

There's a new song in my heart
May it forever ring
May it forever sing
Everlasting praises to You
My Lord Jesus, my Savior and King

Show Me How to Walk

There is so much that weighs heavily on my heart...

Could it be that I am running ahead
Or could it be that I am crawling behind
When you have called me to simply walk?
I see the beginning of the path you have laid
But I don’t know how to walk this road
I look to you, my saving grace
And pray You will show me to walk in the way You desire
Lord I am fully broken and unable
These tears that roll down my face testify so
I desire Your holiness and fullness above all else
But I keep looking around
I don’t know how to count all but loss for the sake of knowing You
And not leave any severe ramifications behind
So foreign is everything You are calling me to do
Nothing is the same
You have called me to trust in You and let You ordain
And I know I have not fully surrendered
I fear You.
I fear what You will do in the full surrender
I fear the unexpected and uncertainty of walking by faith
I am not to feel the weight of the world upon my shoulders
I am not to bear the sins of others
For that is what You came to do
How do I shun this responsibility that I’ve always bore
And have no worries that You are more than sufficient for bearing it all?
Lord I am fully broken and unable
These tears that roll down my face testify so.
I am lost and fully alone without You to guide my heart
Without You to light my path
I see the beginning of this path
But I don’t know how to walk this road
I cry out to You, my everything
And pray You will show me how to walk this road

Memories, Images, and Glimpses

I know what it is to run and I know what it is to hide
I know what it is to hurt and I know how it is to cry
I know what it is to fail and I know how to retreat inside

But these are memories of a distant life

I know what it is to trip and I know how it is to fall
I know what it is to stretch and I know how to call
I know what it is to hold on and I know what it is to surrender my all

But these are memories of a passing life

I know what it is to speak and I’m learning how to be still
I know how it is to be empty and I’m learning how to be filled
I know how to trust in God and I’m learning to surrender to His sovereign will

Yet these are images of a present life

I’m learning not to be in control and I will learn to fully yield
I’m learning of His healing and I will learn that it will consume me still
I’m learning to fall in love and I will learn the deepness of His love that completely fills

Yet these are images of a future life

I will learn what it is to go and I will see His people returned
I will learn what it is to worship and I will see a love that burns
I will learn what it is to be His and I will find a passion that yearns

And these are glimpses of eternity

Won't You Give In?

You dream of things bigger than life itself
Yet come to find that life has let you down
You lift your hands in desperation
Only to find that in your misery you drown

I can see that you’re beginning to look at the light
I can see that the truth is washing you inside
I can see a man beginning to surrender
Surrender his whole life

He is beckoning, drawing you in
To a place more tempting and sweet than you’ve ever been
Light and love are coming, Christ is penetrating within
Won’t You give in?
Come to know the One who bore our sin?

Your arguments that once were aplenty now are few
The resilience in denying is beginning to fade
You are beginning to accept the cost of love itself
You’re getting a touch of endless grace

I can see that you’re no longer condemning
I can see that you know you’ve tried
I can see a fire beginning to stir so deep
So deep inside

He is beckoning, drawing you in
To a place more tempting and sweet than you’ve ever been
Light and love are coming, Christ is penetrating within
Won’t You give in?
Come to know the One who bore our sin?

Bridge: Look to His face, be washed in the marvelous light. Hold your breath, you’re going deep inside. Out you will come washed clean, and there you will see. In His face, endless grace, love such a mystery

Audience of One

You know...I was going to blog tonight. But it is not the question of whether or not to blog, I find it to be who am I writing for? Am I writing for an audience of One, or for many?

I am not supposed to answer those questions tonight. God is quiet in His love, and I will rest in Him, as I have been. It's sweet. It's simple.

Even in the midst of thoughts, that's how it should be. I will rest in Him alone, and let my quietness speak until and if He dictates otherwise.

He alone is worthy, and He deserves my audience. Praise be to Him alone.

"14 Shout for joy, O daughter of Zion! Shout in triumph, O Israel! Rejoice and exult with all your heart, O daughter of Jerusalem! 15 The LORD has taken away His judgments against you, He has cleared away your enemies. The King of Israel, the LORD, is in your midst; You will fear disaster no more. 16 In that day it will be said to Jerusalem: "Do not be afraid, O Zion; Do not let your hands fall limp. 17 "The LORD your God is in your midst, A victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy. 18 "I will gather those who grieve about the appointed feasts-- They came from you, O Zion; The reproach of exile is a burden on them. 19 "Behold, I am going to deal at that time With all your oppressors, I will save the lame And gather the outcast, And I will turn their shame into praise and renown In all the earth. 20 "At that time I will bring you in, Even at the time when I gather you together; Indeed, I will give you renown and praise Among all the peoples of the earth, When I restore your fortunes before your eyes," Says the LORD." Zephaniah 3:14-20

View from Above

Oh Lord, my God, You reign forever
In the highest of heights and depths of the sea
Your love envelopes my heart
Like a blanket of fog embracing the mighty oceans
From the peaceful hues of blues to the penetrating crimson red
Your majesty is displayed for all to see
The hills roll on while the seas roar on
While still humbled by your splendor
Oh Lord my God, You are in Heaven
And I am but a mere speck on earth
Your presence moves me beyond comprehension
Stirs up my heart into one of praise
Therefore I will bow down and worship you
And humble my heart so my words may be few
Oh Lord my God, there is none like You

Roots

"Yet suffer me to speak unto Thy mercy, me, dust, and ashes. Yet suffer me to speak, since I speak to Thy mercy, and not to scornful man. Thou too, perhaps, despisest me, yet wilt Thou return and have compassion upon me. For what would I say, O Lord my God, but that I know not whence I came into this dying life (shall I call it?) or living death. Then immediately did the comforts of Thy compassion take me up, as I heard (for I remember it not) from the parents of my flesh, out of whose substance Thou didst sometime fashion me. Thus there received me the comforts of woman's milk. For neither my mother nor my nurses stored their own breasts for me; but Thou didst bestow the food of my infancy through them, according to Thine ordinace, wherby Thou distributest Thy riches through the hidden springs of all things. Thou also gavest to me to desire no more than what Thou gavest; and to my nurses willingly to give me what Thou gavest them. For they, with a heaven taught affection, willingly gave me, what they abounded with from Thee. For this my good from them, was good for them. Nor, indeed, from them was it, but through them; for from Thee, O God, are all good things, and from God is all my health. This I since learned, Thou, through these Thy gifts, within me and without, proclaiming Thyself unto me. For then I knew but to suck; to repose in what pleased, and cry at what offended my flesh, and nothing more.

Afterwards I began to smile; first in sleep, then waking; for so it was told of me of myself, and I believed it; for we see the like in other infants, though of myself I remember it not. Thus, little by little, I became conscious where I was; and to have a wish to express my wishes to those who could content them, and I could not; for the wishes were within me, and they without; nor could they by any sense of theirs enter within my spirit. So I flung about at random limbs and voice, making the few signs I could, and such as I could, like, though in truth very little like, what I wished. And when I was not presently obeyed, (my wishes being hurtful or unintelligible,) then I was indignant with my elders for not submitting to me, with those owing me no service, for not serving me; and avenged myself on them by tears. Such have I learnt infants to be from observing them; and, that I was myself such, they, all unconscious, have shwen me better than my nurses who knew it.

And lo! My infancy died long since, and I live. But Thou, Lord, who for ever livest, and in whom nothing dies; for before the foundation of the worlds, and before all that can be called 'before,' Thou art, and art God and Lord of all which Thou has created: in Thee abide, fixed forever, the first causes of all things unabiding; and of all things changeable, the springs abide in Thee unchangeable; and in Thee live the eternal reasons of all things unreasoning and temporal. Say, Lord, to me, Thy suppliant; say, all pitying, to me, Thy pitiable one; say, did my infancy succeed another age of mine that died before it? Was it that which I spent within my mother's womb? for of that i have heard somewhat, and have myself seen women with child? And what before that life again, O God my joy, was I any where or any body? For this have I none to tell me, neither father nor mother, nor experience of others, nor mine own memory. Dost Thou mock me for asking this, and bid me praise Thee and acknowledge Thee, for that I do know?

I acknowledge Thee, Lord of heaven and earth, and praise Thee for my first rudiments of being, and my infancy, whereof I remember nothing; for Thou hast appointed that man should from others guess much as to himself; and believe much on the strength of weak females. Even then I had being and life, and (at my infancy's close) I could seek for signs, wherby to make known to others my sensations. Whence could such a being be, save from Thee, Lord? Shall any be his own artificer? Or can there elsewhere be derived any vein, which may stream essence and life into us, save from Thee, O Lord, in whom essence and life are one? For Thou thyself art supremely essence and life. For Thou art most high and art not changed, neither in Thee doth today come to a close; yet in Thee doth it come to a close; because all such things also are in Thee. For they had no way to pass away, unless Thou upheldes them. And since Thy years fail not, Thy years are one today. How many of ours and our father's years have flowed away through Thy today, and from it received the measure and the mould of such being as they had; and still others shall flow away, and so receive the mold of their degree of being. Thou art still the same, and all things of tomorrow, and all beyond, and all of yesterday, and all behind it, thou has done today. What is it to me, though any comprehend not this? Let him also rejoice and say, 'what thing is this?' Let him rejoice even thus; and be content rather by not discovering to discover thee, than by discovering not to discover thee."

St. Augustine's Confessions 7-10

Carrying in the Silence

So Won't You Let Him Carry You
I can feel the pain of your soul in anguish
Fighting so hard against the truth
And into your desolation you sink further deeper
You lie there in the shadows, covered by a robe
In the darkness you linger still

You've heard that grace is knocking at your door
You find yourself empty looking for more
You can hide inside as long as you desire
But look at yourself, see you're weary and tired
And if you won't open the door now
Would you take a look through the peephole and see who is waiting for you?

In Christ alone can all things be found
He is abundant for every want and need
In only Him can peace be found
He is more than enough if you will choose to see

So won't you let Him carry you
Carry you away from the depths of your angst
So won't you let Him carry you
Carry you from the presence of your pain
So won't you let Him carry you
Carry you away
So won't you let Him carry you
Carry you away?


I wrote these words as I was in the emergency room with one of my friends, Kalen. The Spirit poured from me as I wrote, describing everything I was feeling during that time. As I felt part of his battle as he slept while letting the pain medicine kick in, I found myself amazed at what people go and put themselves through without Christ. I have not been as exhausted as I am now in a very long time. This is what he has been going through day in and out. I pray that he will surrender and find in Christ a peace that can only be found in Him. It's so hard to watch him keep fighting and refusing grace.

And overall, I find myself so utterly thankful and in praise for what God is doing and how faithful He is in every aspect. He has answered every prayer in the best way. I look back to the past couple of months and realize I missed the ways He was faithful because I didn't choose to look. He is faithful over and over again. I am so utterly blessed. I don't have to go on this road that we call life alone; I have Him by my side!

I praise Him for this newfound simplicity in my life. My words are becoming much fewer. That is good. It is due time for me to be quiet and let Him work! All praise and glory go to Him, and it has nothing to do with myself. That is so good. After all, as my friend Paul puts it, I am a "foolish, frivolous, and forgiven failure found-in-Christ." I like it that way. God is in Heaven, I am on earth. I will let my words be few.

For Your Glory

There is a time to live, there is a time to die
there is a time to laugh, there is a time to cry
there is a time to dance, a time for joy's embrace
and in all seasons God, we humbly seek Your face
This is our offering to You
This is our offering

Chorus
Everything I am is for Your glory
Everything I am for You alone
Everything I am is for Your glory
Everything I am for You alone

There is a time to sow, there is a time to reap
A time for victory, a time to claim defeat
a time to be renewed, a time to be reborn
And in all seasons God, we bow before Your throne

Bridge
The earth stands still without You
And we could only move because You made us to
The world is nothing without You
And we could only love because You made us to

Matt Maher, 2006, Performed by Phillips, Craig and Dean

Looking for Love?

“May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Proverbs 5:18).

I would say that the last two months or so have been rather quiet in writing and thinking somewhat. God has been teaching me much about the heart—mine, His, and others’. In the quietness of late I have been learning to be still and simply be in His presence, without a multitude of thoughts running rampant through my mind. Though these can be edifying, they also have the potential to be distracting. I’ve been learning that my wisdom is not my own by any means; it is fully and completely from God. God has taken it away to an extent, and only at such times like tonight do I feel led to write. It is good to know that it is not of myself and only of Him. Because I am being led to write, I will do so. I pray these words are not of me and solely of Him.

For as long as I can remember, I have had such a desire and longing to be married to the man of my dreams. I am confident it is a God-given desire. However, for a long time also, I thought that once I was in a relationship or was married, there would be a completion to my life, to who I am. God brought John into my life last year in a complete yet utterly wonderful surprise. Our friendship grew quickly and deeply last year as well as our affection for one another. Towards the end of the school year, he voiced to me that God was leading him to pursue a relationship with me, and I echoed that sentiment. The timing of that I was blind to at the time and attempted to understand, for I was going on Summer Project with Crusade in Santa Monica for two and a half months, which meant I wouldn’t see him for that duration of time as well. Looking back I now understand that it was necessary for God to give me a glimpse of what was to come before one of the critical lessons He would teach me that summer.

That lesson is that I don’t need John. I don’t need him. What I thought would be this beautiful completion to my life actually happened apart from him. Through His beautiful ways, God showed me that He is abundantly more than I could ever want and need, and all my completion is found in Christ. The relationship with John that God was bringing is not the end of everything important in my life, because it is not the final puzzle piece put in place. Rather, it is the beginning of a life-long journey in which God chooses to provide in amazing ways through John and to mirror His own pursuit of us. If I chose or choose to look to John to provide in ways that only Christ can, he will crumble under the pressure and I will be left empty, for there are some things only Christ can do. Such is the necessity of living by the Spirit to determine these things.

After summer project and returning home, John voiced his intention to pursue me and the relationship that God was calling us to wait on until after project. And thus, “the relationship” began. Would I say that the past almost three months have been easy? I would not. God has stripped each of us bare of everything we have known individually, so we have been dealing with that and trying to build our relationship on top of that. There have been struggles, tears, and hard lessons seemingly piled on top of one another. But I look to it as the refining fire that God brings us through, in which the grass, chaff, and jewels are thrown in. The things that are temporary such as the chaff and grass burn away, but the jewels are refined and come out more beautiful than before. I’ve been seeing the beginning glances of jewels and it’s quite beautiful. And as hard as this time has been in a lot of ways, I remain in full praise for it. It is through this time that we have found Christ to be the foundation of both our individual lives and our life together.

Yet, it is still so interesting in what God chooses to teach in the midst of this. Many times before have I read Paul’s words about celibacy and have never understood them until now. Now that I am in a relationship, I do understand them.

“I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs-how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and Spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:32-35).

As followers of Christ, our only concern should ideally be how we can please Him. The last thing I would say is that I have displayed this at some point in my life, because I haven’t. As I said earlier, I have always had a longing to be married. But is it easier to be devoted to the Lord if you are single? I would say yes. In the time that I have known John, his presence in my life has increased, especially his presence in my mind and heart. I would even venture to say that that fact has been a bit scary at times. About a month ago, God strongly convicted me to be continually praying that my relationship with Him and my relationship with John would each have their proper places in my life. I am no longer single, and with that, my attention is divided between John and the Lord.

And I will be very honest here: I regret how I spent my time being single. I was consumed with the prospect of marriage long before I ever should have been. In the time in which I could’ve been solely devoted to the Lord and had an undivided interest in Him, I wasn’t. I was constantly consumed by what was to come in the future that I missed out on the level of intimacy I could’ve had with Him in the present. It also comes back to the seemingly unending struggle to embrace the current season and not to play the waiting game, looking to what is to come. I missed out. That isn’t something I can get back in the same way now.

But do I regret no longer being single? I don’t. Do I feel guilty for not being single? To that, no also. For as Paul also explains, celibacy is a spiritual gift, and few have it.

“I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: it is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am” (1 Cor 7:7-8).

Each man has his own gift from God, and sometimes celibacy is one of them, as Paul had. Yet it is not one that everyone, or even many people have. God calls few to a life of celibacy, for it requires voluntarily being single without regret and being able to serve the Lord without distraction. Paul also says that “each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him” (1 Cor 7:17). That means embracing what God has called us to do and the circumstances He has placed us in, and for me, that means a life with marriage. I praise God that I will one day be married, because I can’t imagine a life without a man, namely John, by my side. I am thankful I don’t have to go on this road alone. There is great purpose in me no longer being single. However, I am also thankful that God has allowed me to see what an unwavering devotion to Him should look like, and how there is so much truth in what Paul wrote.


In our society today, there is definitely a warped view of what relationships look like and are. So often I find myself grieving at these statements, beliefs, and actions, because what is not realized is how much is being missed out on. If God is the giver of greatest blessings, why don’t we wait on Him and allow Him to give when He sees it fit? If He knows us better than we know ourselves, why do we take the timing and people of relationships into our own hands, thinking that we can put a square peg through a round hole, and that somehow, it will work? I could go on and on about this, but I will refrain. Basically after seeing and experiencing how good a relationship is because it’s of God makes me grieve for those who don’t or aren’t willing to wait on Him. People let themselves be completely consumed by a significant other and make their entire world revolve around that person rather than Christ. So often it sets them up to fall and be scarred in the process. We are a dynamic people, called to do different things. As Christians, we must not neglect the ministry we have in our lives because we are looking to “a one” rather than “The One.” As I will explain later on, there is so much we can learn from the pursuit of one another in a romantic relationship, one leading to marriage. Yet, I would think that anyone would honestly say that they desire their relationships to be the best they can be, three-dimensional rather than two. I find that through my other relationships with people and the things I do apart from my relationship with John only teaches me more in how to love him and most importantly, point to Christ.

John and I continue to find our relationship contrary to the world, and that is what we desire.

“He who finds a wife finds what is good, and receives favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22).
This verse, along with so many others I have read, only solidifies the fact that this relationship is good. God did a major overhaul in both of us for us to accept and enter this relationship with one another. To put it simply, it is completely from and of God that we are together, and not of ourselves. It is good that we are together. I believe God is smiling upon it. When God is the consummation of our hearts, we are able to love each other more and most importantly, love Him more.

“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his flesh. This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (1 Corinthians 5:22-33).

Now here comes a verse in which I think possesses so much of God’s heart in human relationships. A male and female relationship is only to be a mirror of Christ’s relationship with His bride, the Church. As we submit to Christ, so women should submit to their husbands, for they are to be the head, just as Christ is the head of the Church. One thing I want to make clear in my study of this passage is that Christ’s relationship is not the mirror of our human relationships. He is the source, and all things come from Him and point back to Him, every aspect of our lives. One thing I know women have so much of a problem with is the aspect of being commanded to be submissive to our husbands. I think the thing that is missed so much in this passage is that we are to be submissive to them, but they are to love us as they love themselves and Christ loved the church. They are to give themselves up for us to make us holy and present us in that way. It goes both ways. I believe if we truly heed the Word and desire to do what it speaks of, we will find ourselves living the Spirit-filled life with extreme blessing. But, we must be willing. We must be willing to let the truth transform our hearts and lives, and rely not on what we see in the world and what other things we may think to be true.

And what a blessing it has been to begin to walk in this truth. For those of you who know me well, you know that I am a natural leader and am used to being strong or at least putting on the appearance of it. A huge thing I have been learning over the last few months is how to be truly vulnerable and submissive. It has been difficult to say the least, because I have been much more vulnerable to spiritual attack with that. I have been learning it in two different aspects; one with John and the other with Christ. They have been very closely parallel to one another. Yet all difficult things that are of Christ bring beauty, and I have been finding that with this lesson as well. It has been sweet to not be a leader for once and learn how to truly let Christ as well as John lead. I am a woman, and I desire that John may be won over by my “submission to him so that he may be won over without words by my behavior when he sees the purity and reverence of my life…when my beauty does not come from outward adornment but of my inner self, a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight” (1 Peter 3:1-4 paraphrase). I also pray that it is not just John who is “won” over by this in a sense, because those qualities are the ones of a Christ-filled woman. How great can her influence be to those around her, especially those hurting, perishing, or dying…and this has been a lesson of learning to not just be a Godly person, but a Godly woman... “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life” (Prov 31:10-12).

I praise God for being the consummation of my heart. His love is better than life! In the midst of this consummation I also find my love for John growing stronger. In many prayers for him and about this relationship I find myself praying that God will continue to teach me how to be submissive and how to serve John in the way that he needs. I pray that I will continue to learn and practice selfless love, and be the prayer warrior for him that he needs. One of my prayers for him has been that God would teach him what it is to be a leader in every aspect, and to take initiative in the way that Christ pursues us. Prayers for us include that we would learn so much more about Christ’s pursuit for us through our relationship, as well as every aspect of our relationship bringing others and glory to God.

See, I strongly believe the point of relationships is only to point back to the Creator. I can’t emphasize this enough. This proves the necessity of letting Christ ordain them. We are created for relationships in all aspects with other people, but most importantly, with Christ. Christ gives us a bigger picture of Himself through them, and we have the privilege of gaining an understanding of how He pursues us, if we are willing to fulfill those roles He has called us to do and created us to be. And as we embark on those relationships of all kinds, especially those leading to marriage, we must remember that we are all still human and fall short. There will be times we fail or are disappointed, and times that we cause hurt to another. Yet as Christ has covered us with His blood to cover our sin, He covers us with His love and pursuit over the wounds of the hearts. As beautiful as my relationship is and will continue to be with John, I will always remember this fact: Christ is our ultimate pursuer. In any area that we may fall, hurt, or fail one another, Christ fills. We look to Him for the ultimate pursuit, not to man. Our relationships with one another here on earth are just a fraction as good as the one with Him, our Savior and best friend.

“Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. In that day, declares the Lord, you will call me my husband, you will no longer call me my master. I will bethroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord” (Hosea 2:14-16, 19-20).

OVERwhelmed, UNDERtaking, OVERly blessed, UN[DER] deserving

Overwhelmed, Undertaking, Overly blessed, and Un(der) deserving...some key words that are writ upon my heart and mind as of late.

I'm overwhelmed...

With what God chooses to do and is doing around me. For the first time in a while I have been able to look behind me to what God did in the last six months of my life, and also have been able to look ahead to what He has in store. I'm overwhelmed at the extent in which He has and is transforming my heart and life. I'm reading over my three to four hundred pages of typed journal entries over the last eight months and am stunned by what has happened and where God has brought me. To say that His plans are beautifully orchestrated and planned is to in a sense, give God so much injustice. He is worthy of so much more praise than any words can give. I am overwhelmed at the fact that my praise will always be so inadequate to what He deserves. I look and see what He is doing in and with me personally right now and what He is preparing me for, and I am overwhelmed to know in the smallest part what the implications of what He wishes to do will be. That He would choose to do these things...it is not for me by any means. It is solely for His glory.

I'm undertaking...

So many different things at the present, yet I feel that I am being lazy. It's a weird thing. I find myself undertaking a new ministry that I haven't had before in my job at the warehouse. God has been so good in providing with that. I find myself undertaking friendships that are different than what I expect. I find myself beginning to undertake a new major and career path. I find myself undertaking the things to which God has entrusted to me to be a good steward of. I am amazed at the girls that God has placed in my life to whom He can minister to through me. I don't understand why me, but I'm not supposed to. One thing remains constant as of late though; the call by God to wait on certain aspects and be patient. I finally understood this clearly tonight. As I was having my date night with Jesus, I was printing out eight months of journal entries. I ran out of ink, and so I went to open the evil Costco packaging with an exacto knife in my room because I was too impatient to go get the scissors out in the living room. So I used my exacto knife to cut it open, and cut away from myself mind you, but my hand was still in the way. Deeply it went in and gushing out it came. My roomies came and helped patch me up. I was annoyed with myself for doing this once again, as it seems I do things like this a lot. Yet God made it clear to me tonight. So often when dealing with a present task, I am so anxious and frantic to get it done so I may move onto the next. This attitude leads me to do things in unorthodox and often, rather stupid ways, when I need to take the little more fraction of a time and do it correctly. I know I am and will continue to be radical, but I must do it in a proper way in which I don't wound myself or others. There is purpose in doing things in the correct order. There is purpose in me stepping away from things a bit this quarter. I need to learn to do things properly, and that is going to take a little bit of extra time. So I am undertaking a new way of walking with Christ than I have before...being diligent, but walking slowly and fully embracing what He has for me.

I am overly blessed...

In every way. I look at my life and it's ridiculously blessed. Even in the trials and hard times, the blessings are so present. I am blessed by being here in San Luis Obispo, going to school at the place of my dreams. I am blessed with amazing roommates, who challenge me to grow daily. I am blessed with a wonderful family, in which there is so much love despite many difficult years growing up. I am blessed with incredible friends here, one of whom has come to be so dear to me. The dates we have on Tuesday nights watching Gilmore Girls and pouring out our hearts has been a a sign of her constant encouragement and extreme blessing in my life. I am so blessed with a man who loves and accepts me unconditionally, showing Christ to me in every way. That God would choose to give me to such a man is incredible...and I can thoroughly and honestly say that there are so few blessings that compare to being in love with the love of my life...it's unbelievably good. He is incredible in every way. And today I was also more thoroughly blessed by his sister asking me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I consider that an extreme honor and amazing gift, for she has blessed me in so many ways. The list can go on and on...but I am so blessed.

Yet I am un(der)deserving...

I don't deserve any of this. I don't deserve anything. The greatest gift of all is Christ on the Cross taking my place for my sins. I am covered in filth and all sanctification is done by Him. I find this season to be a lesson in humility more than ever before, in the fact that I feel I have nothing to offer, yet Christ still works in and through me. The humility hasn't been an easy lesson and never will be, but I love the place I am in now: knowing that nothing is of me, and everything is of Him. I come to the realization that He does nothing solely for me, it is all for His glory. Oh that I may always be a temple for Him to be displayed! That what people are drawn to will always be Him and not me! Everything is of Him and nothing is of me. If any good is seen in me, it is Christ. I am a fragile jar of clay, easily pressed and broken, but He is the kiln, the refining fire who makes me firm in Him. He is my strength, He is my God, and He is my praise.

Learning to Laugh Again

Learning to laugh again...

This season has been a fight for joy and an uphill road. I have in weeks past, regained the ability to smile, but today I think was the first time I have really laughed as a result of joy in such a while.

It's quite interesting how God chose to orchestrate it as well...symbolic of course, as it seems to be with me often. Two of my roommates and I went on a shopping trip tonight, mainly to the grocery store. We were unloading, and as I was carrying bags up to the elevator, I found out the hard way that we had packed too many cans into one plastic bag, and so the handle broke and some rolled out. I left those and went and put the others in the elevator where Kirsten was holding it for me. I came back and got the last of the groceries and then collected the torn bag of cans. I was able to pick it up as its own entity without the handle and carry it to the elevator. We put the bags down once again until we got to our floor. I went to pick up the bags again, along with the other...8 I was carrying (if you don't know me, I am very stubborn with certain things, and that includes not making more trips than is literally, physically possible). I succeeded except for when I tried to walk out of the elevator with the bag of cans. It proceeded to tear more, and then I found myself straddling the entrance of the elevator, not able to move because it would have been a literal avalanche of cans. I lost it and burst out laughing as did Kirsten, something we have not been able to do together in quite some time. She helped me and we just kept laughing and Laura came to help too. Luckily we barely made it to our apartment, all cans intact.

Why did I find such a thing so amusing? Perhaps for once I was able to also laugh at myself in a more metaphorical way. I attempt to carry much more than I should only to find that it is stupid for me to do so. I do this in my own life instead of letting God carry those burdens, and only taking as many as He has called me to carry. I knew the bag would probably tear but I persisted, to the point in which it did. I had to stop dead in my tracks for these cans not to fall, straddling the line of the elevator. How often do I stop in my tracks of what I am doing in my life, knowing that my burden is too heavy, and allow Him to carry those? I wait until the last second before they fall or until after they fall, and then I have to face the consequences. I straddled a thin line tonight, as thin as the one in the elevator I was standing in. I could've chosen to be stubborn and tried to go on it on my own, unsuccessfully like I had been, or I could've relented like I did, laughing at myself and the situation. For once I saw how truly ridiculous I am and can be, for it was obvious the burden was too much for me to carry, and all I could do was laugh at myself and the situation. I found joy in the fact that I was able to give these cans to my sisters and my burdens to God, marking a significant change in the day.

I am so stubborn and stupid and silly so often...I should be laughing at myself, it's ridiculous. Yet I also laugh once again at finding a newfound joy in God who loves me, stuck in the elevator, spilling cans and all.

And as the statement in the sand in the above picture states, God is good. Though the waves may wash that away from the sand in time, that fact will never wash away from my heart.

Learning to laugh again...it feels good.

Blessings

God is so unbelievably good and faithful, no matter what the circumstances...and I am finding that when I choose to go about my day and my life focusing on that very thing, joy abounds. I am unbelievably blessed. I may not be blessed in all of the ways I would choose to be, but I am blessed by my Father in Heaven, and that is better than all. I am so unworthy of any blessings He bestows upon me, and so it is tonight and from now on that I will receive and look upon these blessings with a humble and grateful heart.

"Fear the Lord your God and serve Him. Hold fast to Him and take your oaths in His name. He is your praise, He is your God, who performed for you those good and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes." Deuteronomy 10:20-21

Beautiful Surrender

Beautiful surrender, let us fall on our knees
Beautiful surrender, all we are we yield
Beautiful surrender, in You our hearts we keep
Beautiful surrender, Your spirit let us receive
Beautiful surrender, all to You, our beautiful King

Every tear that falls down your face still
Won’t you surrender, let Him it wipe it away
Hurt lingers and is ever present I know
but His grace is more than enough to fill
Will you let go?

In the desert parched for thirst and love
Won’t you surrender, let Him lead you to the water
A longing persists and is ever present I know
But He pursues you in the way You desire
Will you let him heal?

Beautiful surrender, let us fall on our knees
Beautiful surrender, all we are we yield
Beautiful surrender, in You our hearts we keep
Beautiful surrender, Your spirit let us receive
Beautiful surrender, all to You, our beautiful King

Every prayer that is prayed reaches the heavens
Every cry that escapes touches His heart
Every love we bear comes from the source
Every note in this melodious praise of worship resounds beautifully still
Surrender to His sovereign will
Surrender and be filled

Won’t you know that you’re not on this way alone
Won’t you see that I’m here right beside you
Won’t you know that I am your colaborer
And beside you, surrender I will

Beautiful surrender, let us fall on our knees
Beautiful surrender, all we are we yield
Beautiful surrender, in You our hearts we keep
Beautiful surrender, your spirit let us receive
Beautiful surrender, all to You, our beautiful King

Fallen

The fact that we are all fallen and fall so short of the glory of God is resonating in my heart tonight...from the lowest peasant servant to those in the highest positions whom everyone is observing.

I just received the news about Ted Haggard and his fall. It disheartens me so much to hear of how a man who fought the demons for Colorado Springs and abroad has lost to his own personal battle with Satan. I am reminded of something God has been teaching me and others lately: the fact that if we are not focused with God on the vertical plane, the horizontal plane can cause us to fall. So often we get burdened with others and the people around us and situations that are happening, and we take those upon our own shoulders. We attempt to carry a burden that we can never carry; the burden of other's lives and souls. We are not meant to carry those burdens. Christ told us to give our burdens to Him because His yoke is light. He is the only one sufficient...yet we so often neglect and forget that, and by doing so, it causes us to stumble, perhaps a slight one at first, but then a great fall.

There is an ever present enemy to our souls. It lurks in the darkness and within things and has a presense we are often unaware of. If we don't realize that and are aware of it, we will continue to fall over and over again. We can't let Satan employ clever schemes, blinding us where the Spirit should be.

We can't neglect the fact that we all fall short of the glory of God. We can't forget that we are all jars of clay, fragile and easily broken. We can't forget that we are nothing apart from Him.

If we do, we are certain to fall...

And until we realize that, we will fall over and over again, into the same trap, because we are so blinded.

I think something that is disturbing me greatly about a lot of this right now is a conversation I had with my dad before coming out to school. We were talking about Ted Haggard and other previous prominent Evangelicals and pastors, and my dad made the statement, "it wouldn't be surprising if he fell just like the others." I defended Ted Haggard, saying that it wouldn't, because he was different than those.

But the fact is, he is no different than you and me. He is in just as desperate need of God and His abundant grace and mercy. He just had a much more visible fall due to his position.

I find myself coming back to that conversation over and over again with my dad thinking about how my dad will probably use this opportunity to say, "yep, there's another hypocritical Christian, living a dual life." And this breaks me because I don't want something else to deter him from coming to know Christ. Yet I must remember that God is working in spite of all of this, and perhaps this will lead to a conversation about grace and how we are all in need of it.

So I leave tonight with this prayer. To my fellow brothers and sisters, let us not neglect the fact that Satan is out there lurking and is looking for any way to get us to fall. "If we think we are standing firm, be careful that we don't fall" (1 Corinthians 10:12). Be reminded of how we are all sinners and all fall short, whether those falls are visible or hidden, they are ever present still. And come back to the One who gives us grace and mercy so endlessly. Don't take on a burden that you are not meant to carry. Leave it all in Christ's hands. He is the only one sufficient.

To those still searching...I pray that this example with Ted Haggard will not further taint your image of Christians and Christianity. I pray that we as Christians will come before you just as we are, broken and in need of God's grace. We are so far from being perfect even though we may often put on fronts that we are or attempt to be. I am sorry that we do not represent God in the way we should. I am sorry that we are hypocrites. I pray that we will be real with you, and show you the God who so graciously loves us, though we don't deserve it.