How radically things have changed in the months past and continue to. I was thinking today about what I used to say to people and what I used to write here. I have always used both of those things in a leadership role. However, for this time, God has stripped away all leadership I have and has told me not to take initiative and lead. Simply said, it is difficult and foreign.
I find that changing even in my blogs here. I hope that the change that has come in my writing would be one that reflects the changes God is doing in my heart. It was and is never about me who writes these entries or says certain words. I am not the source of wisdom. I am so unworthy of anything given to me, even this outlet to write such words. It is my prayer that in sharing of lessons God is teaching me as of late that God will speak to you in whatever way He wishes, and that all praise and glory be given to Him. If He chooses to use me, then so be it.
This past week was one in which I experienced the most times of brokenness in a short period of time. God is teaching me what it is to go cry in His arms and let Him wash away every tear. I realized a couple of weeks ago that the brokeness would continue. My heart has been too calloused and prideful for too long, and it is only through the brokeness He brings that it can be reformed and healed. Can I say that I still am learning to be okay with these times and not hate them? I will say that I know they are necessary, and when they are brought about by Him they are even sweeter, though difficult.
Even in the humility God brings can still exist a resistance to this brokenness. I can make myself numb to what He is doing in me. Unlike never before God is bringing me to understand who I truly am. In the penetrating light that He is, I see the areas of darkness in me uncovered. Oh how filthy I am in sin and how I grieve Him in so many ways. Celebration tonight talked about the indwelling of the Holy Spirit and how it fills. I was thinking tonight about how it seemed like I once got it. It seemed there were times I got the idea of the Holy Spirit filling and also experienced glimpses of that. I know there were times in which I was led by the Holy Spirit in radical ways. Tonight I was wondering where that has gone. I still don’t really know the answer to that.
I think back to those times, however, and I look to my heart. Compared to now, I would say it was much more calloused and full of pride. I still keep coming back to the fact that I weep much more easily than ever before. I come to the fact that this heart of mine, all of its walls and self-defenses are so incredibly bare now. Yet Jesus has been restoring much. The anxiety and cares that I did have are going away in His sight. His light is penetrating. He illuminates everything.
I am in love with a man of God whom I certainly don't deserve. This is one area in which God is shaping my heart, in teaching me how to be vulnerable, submissive, and love with a love I have never experienced. When I am with him I find myself gazing upon him and being truly amazed at how evident God is in his life and heart. I find myself loving his little quirks and eccentricites about him in which God has made him unique. I remember the times in which I have failed him and am continually amazed at his endless love and grace for me. I find our relationship giving me such a necessity for God. And above all, I find myself amazed that he is before me in the way he is, and that God has blessed me with a man in whom I can continue to fall more in love with.
But how much more so should that be true for my Dear Savior?
At church today, especially today, when the invitation to receive Christ was given to the audience, at first I was thinking, “here we go again. It seems like we do this all the time.” How quickly God convicted me that my heart was so wrong in this. Have I forgotten that quickly who my Savior is, and who He was on the day I wrote my prayer to ask Him into my heart? Have I forgotten who He has been over the years, and His continued love and faithfulness since? There are times I know I do. Oh how my Dear Lord has not changed since that day. I need to remember that day and time so much more. I need to be just as eager to receive Him into my heart as I was in the beginning. I need to always be eager to know my Savior and desire Him and let His love sweep me abound like no other.
This past week God has been teaching me so much about Spiritual disciplines and discipline in general. I have seen that through His Word that the discipline He gives and the discipline we are to engage in all comes back to our heart for Him. If we truly understood who He is and allowed Him to be that person fully, there would be no hesitation in giving our all to Him. There is no reason that I should not be compelled to do so, except for the fact that I don’t worship Him in the way He deserves and I don’t give my all to Him. I still don’t know who He truly and fully is. I praise Him for being the same yesterday, today and forever. He is beyond good.
Dear Lord, it is my prayer that as Your light continues to illuminate all darkness around me and especially in me, that I would see how set apart You are and truly understand what the meaning of Your love and grace is. Dear Lord, as I continue to come to grips with the fact that I am filthy in sin, let me see and find Your character in ways I never have before. I pray that I would both see who I am apart from You and who I am because of You. I pray that I would above all, continue to see who You are. I pray that You be the Lord of my life. Dear Lord, I pray that I will not shy away from these times of brokenness. I know they are so difficult, but necessary. As Hebrews 12:11 says, our times of discipline and hardships will bring about a harvest of righteousness. Let me look to that as well. Oh Lord, my God, I praise You for being who You are. Thank You. I am so undeserving, but thank You.
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